Original subtitles

[dramatic music plays]

[bellows]

-So anyway, she blocks my number.

She got a haircut, which... okay.

I don't know. I feel like she's taking this breakup thing

a little too far.

Did I fuck up?

[coughs] Nah dude, she's crazy.

-Yeah. You're goddamn right. -Yeah.

-Let's go kill that deer. -Oh, yeah.

-That will show her. -Chicks love dead deer.

Yeah, they do, but also, like, she never showed up

to any of my water polo matches.

That's not love. That's just disrespectful.

I mean, how can she respect you if you don't...

respect yourself.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Nothing. It was stupid.

I'm awesome.

[chuckles] Oh yeah.

-I respect myself. -Yeah, um...

I'm gonna go-- I'm gonna go piss. I'll be...

[heavy breathing]

Fuck.

[unzips]

[urinates]

This is good. Nothing bad going down here.

Just a boy taking his piss.

-[growls] -Huh?

Hey, Victoria.

Oh, this? Just a deer.

I shot it.

With a gun.

[intense music plays]

[pants]

[roars]

[screams]

-Keenan?

[suspenseful music plays]

Victoria. [cocks gun] Found your deer.

[birds crow]

Hello.

Weird guy staring at me.

Yo, you good?

Are you lost old man?

You make a wrong turn on the way to Cracker Barrel?

[growls]

Yo, you good? Oh, shit.

Motherfuckin' gun!

[gun rattles]

I'm on the water polo team, motherfucker!

Keenan!

[screams]

[roars]

[spooky music plays]

NARRATOR: Charles Darwin once said,

friendships are the best measure of a man's worth.

A nice sentiment, right?

Well, maybe for a different story.

This tale, however, is far sillier than the likes

of Charles Darwin.

No, our story follows a group of rather goofy young men

on a graduation trip in the Colorado wilderness,

and how a bit of bad blood got between them.

So sit back, relax, and see just what these men

are worth.

Yeehaw!

[mellow music plays]

Ben: All right, run me through this dream again.

Dylan: So it was your run of the mill naked

in class dream.

And I'm up next to give a presentation

-On?

-The decline of the middle class,

-Paper straws and... British people?

Weird.

And you said you were pregnant? -Yeah.

Yeah. I woke up to this horrible noise--

[engine revs]

Like that?

Yeah, I think it's getting worse.

Christian: Piece of shit, dude. Yeah. Will, how are we doing?

Uh, yeah. No, man. We're good.

Christian, you're good up there, right? You're juicing it,

like I said?

You keep saying that. You keep saying

fucking juice it.

What am I juicing exactly?

-The engine. Just like bop it.

Am I juicing it or bopping it?

Those are separate things.

Dude, I think you're feeling kind of aggro right now,

and I'm not really having it.

You know, we're both doing our part here.

I'm trying my best.

This is your car, why am I? Fine.

I'll bop it, all right? I'll bop it.

[pop music plays] [clank]

Did it work? [hisses]

What do you think? -[laughs]

-Hey, yo, you're juiced.

-Uh, homies? Not to be whatever, but Max and Bryan

totally slept in.

Called them, like, six times, getting nothing.

Dylan: Ruh-roh. Did you try checking their location?

-Sure.

Love the Pig-pen cosplay. -Hilarious.

Are you gonna help or just keep writing your dream journal?

Someone woke up on the wrong side

of the middle seat.

-Bit cranky, are we? -Shut up...

Neck pillow.

-Maxi? Dude, where are you guys?

We're like two hours outside the cabin.

[on phone] Wait the cabin, wait, what time is it?

Told ya.

Oh shit, Bryan, we gotta go!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Well, they'll probably be here by the time we fix this.

-If we fix it. -Will. I mean, can't you call

Triple A?

-No, they blocked me ages ago.

-You got blocked by Triple A?

That's kind of tight.

-Oh my God.

First the car breaks down,

then Max and Bryan sleep in.

I just want to have a nice little cabin adventure

with the homies. Is that too much to ask for?

Christian? My brother in Christ.

Just trust the process. -What process?

Juicing it? [can rattles]

[engine rumbles]

Juice. The juice!

Yeee.

[slam]

All right, homies, here's the plan.

[fizz]

Bryan and Max are on their own,

but if we power on

while the car is still juiced,

we might actually make it

before lunch. What do you say?

-Right after I smoke. -Whoo!

Wait for me.

Typical.

It's a miracle they let us graduate.

Yeah, 400,000 fucking dollars later.

Yeah. Seriously.

Speaking of college, dude, I never got to say it,

but congrats on NYU.

Grad school! Are you excited?

Yeah. Thanks, man. I'm, uh, I'm stoked.

It'll be fun.

It seems like Dylan took the news well.

Yeah. No. Yeah, it's tough, but like you said,

he took it well.

Right. It's just good that you told him

before the trip.

Now we can just sit back,

relax and rage, baby. Ha ha!

Yeah. No, it'll be a nice send off.

[mellow music plays]

Shotgun.

This is gonna be the best trip ever.

Will: Oh, Christian, is it that one?

Christian: No. Matt: Guys, please.

this is important. Will: It's that one, right?

Christian: No.

-Christian, is it that one?

-No. Ben: Is it the one

made out of wood?

Matt: Guys, can I get back to what I was saying?

All: No! -But here's the magic,

is that when you get ten of your friends to buy in,

you essentially get all the supplements for free.

Dylan: That's a pyramid scheme. You're in a pyramid scheme.

-You just keep selling from the top to the bottom

like a pyramid. - No.

-Yeah. -No, no. You get--

-That's what it is. -Definitely no.

-That is the shape of a pyramid.

Actually. -It's foolproof.

-We can make so much money.

Fuck, can you pass me that water bottle?

I really gotta piss.

Christian: Matt, we are literally here.

-And?

Christian, where's the bathroom?

Down the hall, to the right. Just be careful.

-Matt, you've got to get that checked out.

I gave you my doctor's number.

Ben: Yeah, you take that many supplements,

that's that's on you.

Well, boys. Welcome to Paradise Ranch.

Christian, you were not kidding.

This is a... this is a cabin. -Right?

The craftsmanship on these timber frames

is amazing.

Christian: Anyone see a... old piece of paper anywhere

that says, house rules on it.

Yeah. Is it just one that says house rules?

What are you doing? Stop!

It's been in my family for 75 fucking years, you idiot!

God damn it!

-I just wanted to make origami. -Hey, no more rules.

Yeah, no more rules.

Don't run with that. Don't--

No, that's not what I meant. It was a joke.

That's a lost cause. -Feast your eyes.

The Tooley Valley. It's only 15 minutes away

from here. -Well. Let's go.

You think the guys will be down?

Ah, who needs them? Let's you and me go.

Let's do it.

Will: Hey, Ben.

I'm gonna go find a walking stick.

Can you grab me one? -Yeah.

Thanks. What's up?

Will?

Will?

William?

[door creaks]

-Make sure you light up.

[suspenseful drone]

[door creaks]

Huh, really thought you would have been in here.

[laughs]

You happy? -I got you.

-Yeah, you got me. -Yeah.

Happy for you, man. -[laughs]

Will's high. That's no surprise.

[door creaks]

[phone beeps]

What's up Wicker Man? There's a lot of sticks.

Yeah.

I don't know if any of these are quite right, though.

Not horrible.

-It's about the man behind the stick.

-Beautifully put.

You guys think if I, like, ironed it it would be okay?

Like it's not noticeable, right?

-If you don't mind it being singed.

What's up with the service, by the way?

Oh, yeah. That is not existent up here.

By the way, you two are going to be in the back cabin...

-Hm, not bad. -...with Matt.

Dylan: Oh, no...

You see me standing over you, do not look me in the eyes.

I will wake up. It will not be good.

Nice.

I'm gonna kill you. -I'm sorry.

Well at least he already pooped.

It's the first of many.

Matt: Sometimes they get violent too. I call them trauma dumps.

Ben: Gross.

Dylan: Oh, retro.

Oh, yeah. Kind of Lincoln Loggy.

I call big bed.

[squeaks]

Mm, it smells like Christian.

-I wanted the big bed.

-Want top bunk as consolation? -Do I?

[creepy echoed laughter]

The top bunk has natural light, but, but the spiders.

I could fall off. But--

But if I take the bottom, it might collapse on me.

And it's kind of dark at night, but, like,

it's like a little cave. It's kind of cozy. Oh, God.

Ah nah, nah, you can have it.

Okay.

Oh, what do we have here? Hello, beautiful.

Oh, shit. This is an old Remington.

This is sick.

Dude, we should ask Christian about this.

-Just don't show Matt. -Good call.

Mm, big bed.

Ben: You know, the Tooley Valley probably looks pretty

at sunrise.

Was thinking maybe we could go tomorrow morning.

Yeah I was thinking we could, like, take a picture and hang it

in the room when we move in.

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.

[somber music plays]

Dylan, I was hoping we could talk, actually.

Christian: Hey, guys.

[door creaks] Bella's here.

Oh, here's the entertainment.

Hello.

Going buckwild down here at Vinny's Venison.

We got deer so good, it'll make you go crazy.

Look, Ben, I'm a wendigo. I'm gonna eat your face.

Anyone? Wendigo?

[jolly music plays]

Christian: Will, can you turn that off, please?

Okay, guys, come over here.

Feast your eyes.

Wow.

Ben: This is-- Matt: Incredible.

-I was gonna say a lot. How much do we owe you?

Ah, it's my father's stash, so...

his family doesn't come till spring.

-Nice. -Bunch of friends drinking

in the woods? I can get behind that.

That's the spirit, homie.

-I'm way too high. -Okay.

-To a week of trees, trees and more trees.

Our first annual Colorado adventure.

And to the new house.

[vomits]

I didn't want to drink that. It was kind of gross.

-Oh, really?

I don't know why. I tasted dust in mine.

[cymbal clangs]

[dance music plays]

River feet, river feet, river feet.

River river river feet.

River feet, river feet, river river river feet.

Oh fuck that.

Fuck no.

Come on, guys, we gotta do river balls next.

[dance music continues]

[growls]

[suspenseful music plays]

[growls]

You're not gonna eat me, are you?

Oh shit, you're totally gonna eat me! Ah!

[screams]

[pages flicker]

[chilled music plays]

[hiss]

What are you looking at?

The engine.

[sizzles]

Is that good?

I don't know, man. I guess so.

Sweet.

-So you know how NYU has a really good grad program

for writers?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Didn't--

Didn't Claire Edwards go there?

She did, yeah.

Uh, I talked to her recently, actually.

-Oh. -No. No, not like that.

No, I texted her because I, I applied.

Oh, really? Oh, dude.

That's awesome. Have you heard back yet?

I have, yeah. Um...

I got in.

[somber music plays]

Oh, New York, that's pretty far.

When do you start?

Two weeks.

What?

I leave for New York in two weeks.

Oh. What about the house?

No, I mean, I am going to come and help you guys move in and...

Say goodbye.

But hey, you'll still have Matt.

I mean, dude, why didn't you tell--

[gunshot]

Boys, we're going hunting.

[bird crows] [splat]

The fuck? Y'all good or what?

[swing music plays]

Max: I spy with my little eye,

something green.

-Is it that tree? -Yep.

Yeah, it was the tree. Okay.

I spy with my little eye.

[party horn honk]

I spy something yellow.

-Lane divider? -Yes.

Um, okay.

I spy something dark green.

Okay, Max, let's play another game.

Yeah, sorry.

-How about we play 20 questions. -Oh, okay. Okay.

Um... Is it a person? -Kind of.

It's for a person. -Oh, okay.

-It's a gathering. -A gathering?

Oh, like an event? -Yes.

Just like an event. Yes.

Are there a lot of people at the event?

-Just the homies. -Oh okay.

It's an event with just the homies.

For one person.

Yes. And only that one person will be very, very happy.

Oh, we love a happy homie.

-Oh, the happiest of homies. -Okay.

[squeals]

Is it the fucking orgy, dude? Come on, we're not doing that.

It's not the orgy.

You always bring it up every time we get high

or something, like you're gonna trick us into it.

It's fucked up, honestly.

Okay, for the record, I never said I wanted

to have an orgy.

I just thought it would be interesting to see

how it changed our group dynamic.

Oh, my God, it's always some

goddamn philosophy with you.

What do you mean?

I asked you this morning

if you could drive for, like,

two hours because I'm so deadly tired.

And you said, Well, actually, I think it'd be interesting

to see how the sleep deprivation

plays out on the road.

Well does it not pique your curiosity?

I am so tired, I cannot see.

Ah! [tires squeal]

I gotta burp.

Okay.

[burps]

[swing music continues]

[birds crow]

Christian: And that's around the time my dad

started hanging out with his new family.

Ben: Dude, are you okay? Do you need to talk?

-Yeah, probably.

Will: So are your neighbors like, chillers or what?

-It's off season, so no one's around for miles.

Besides some groundskeeper my dad hired.

What about that guy?

[suspenseful drone] -Great. He's Blair Witching.

Hello? Mr. Willoughby?

Is he okay?

-Hey, sir. It's-- it's good to see you.

Did my dad say I was coming?

Definitely salvia.

Christian: What the fuck?

-Guess my dad isn't paying him either.

[growls]

[gun cocks]

Well, I guess we're turning back.

Nope. We're going hunting.

I'm in.

It says no trespassing, like, a thousand times.

This just seems a little sketchy.

I'll let you hold the gun, Matt.

I'm in.

[kisses]

Christian: Yo, less thinky, more killy.

Let's do this thing.

Uh, yeah, whatever. Let's go.

[unsettling music plays]

-Watch where you guys are walking, by the way.

Snakes, land mines.

Matt: Wait, what?

[mimics gunshot] Matt: You're dead.

Christian: Dude. What the fuck? -[laughs] Pew, you're dead.

-Jesus, Matt, stop. You're acting like a psychopath.

-Nah, I'm on that Red Dead Two shit.

Dylan: Hey, Christian. Christian: Yeah?

Did you know Ben wasn't moving in with us?

Um... is that a bird? Look at that bird over there.

That's weird. -Christian.

Yeah, we knew.

Did everyone know?

I don't know, man.

Yeah, we just...

we didn't want to tell you because, you know,

you guys are, like, best friends.

Seems like he should have told you.

Yeah.

Ben: Hey, guys.

Yo, guys! Come here.

Oh!

They're dinner.

Do we have to do this?

Matt: All right, deer, say hello to your deer god.

[suspenseful drone]

[growls]

[gunshot]

Fuck!

God damn it, Matt, you missed.

No, he didn't.

Oh.

[deer whines]

Oh my God! Oh. Matt!

Damn it, I told you east, not west.

I shot it east! -[Inaudible] fucking head, Matt!

Really Christian? You think I can't see it?

Just kill it, okay?

Kill it. Just shoot it.

[deer whines]

Ah! [gunshot]

-You missed again. -I don't know!

Give me the gun, give me the gun.

[deer squeals]

[gunshot] [pages flicker]

[mysterious music plays]

Dylan: Just give me the gun.

Will: Why?

-You're high, Will.

-Hi, Dylan.

-Why is this loaded?

Christian: Wait one second. Wait, give me a second.

Oh. Oh, God.

It's all the bugs on me. All the bugs on me.

Oh my God.

[suspenseful drone]

Matt: So you're saying he sees in the body with creel?

Will: Yeah. Cannibals, man.

Christian: Honestly, sounds tasty.

-I think I'd be the tastiest.

You are incorrect. I eat the most beets.

Therefore, I am the tastiest.

-Why would eating beets make you tasty?

I can't tell you, otherwise you'd be tasty.

When do Max and Bryan get here again?

Tomorrow morning.

Not soon enough. -Hey, homunculus.

How those steaks looking?

[chilled music plays]

[sizzles]

Pretty good. Five more minutes.

Will: So Ben, are you gonna be doing, like,

more of a roommate situation or more of, like, bridge,

tunnel, kind of, like, life?

What is a bridge tent situa--?

I'm having-- I have a roommate.

I just haven't heard back from him yet, so.

-Not a good sign, homie. -I mean. You know,

I won't be spending much time with him anyway.

I'll be going to class, hanging out, calling you guys.

Yeah, yeah, you're gonna be calling us Mr. City Boy.

You knew that, right?

Matt: Wait, what?

-Yeah. Ben is a city boy.

[chanting] Oh, city boy,

city boy, city boy, city boy, city boy, city boy,

city boy. Matt: Hey, where are you going?

Will: Oh, fuck me. I farkled.

[door slams] Ben: Dylan. Dylan.

Come on, man, can you open up?

Can we just talk, okay? I didn't plan on any of this.

I just applied on a whim, and I got in.

I didn't think I would, okay? It just happened so fast.

Dylan: Well, you already have an apartment and a roommate

set up.

Yeah, okay, I know,

and can we just move past that

and have a good time here, not let it ruin our trip?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, all right?

[door creaks]

It's not that you waited to tell me.

It's not that you're moving to New York.

It's that you told every single person in there

except for me.

I'm your fucking best friend, man. I would have supported you.

[door slams]

[leaves rustle]

[suspenseful music plays]

[leaves rustle] [growls]

-Feel that, Matt? -Yeah.

Of course. That means it was in pain when it died.

How does that make you feel? -I feel nothing.

Whatever. Where's-- where's Dylan?

He's probably not joining.

Okay, before we dig in, let's give thanks for the reason

we're able to eat tonight. -Thank you deer.

Thank you deer.

Let's dig in.

This is pretty rare, right? -Yeah. Boo style.

Right, yeah.

No, it's just it's-- it's raw.

Yeah, boo style.

[fake chuckles]

Uh... you guys enjoy.

More for the hungry homie.

Yes. I'm eating beans like rorshach.

Will: That is so obscure.

[suspenseful drone]

[squealching]

[old pop music plays]

Take it back. Freshman year.

Matt: Freshman year? -You, me, neighbors in the dorm.

You're like-- you're like shorter than me?

-Yeah. -No. You were like, here.

-I was like-- -What happened? You got tall.

I don't know, I-- I like food, I like food.

-So you're a growing boy. -Growing boy. Big boy.

Christian: No. Come on, flip it, flip it, you fuck!

Come on, do it! Yes!

Will: I wish we got the Van Nuys house for parties,

but this house rules. -I think, straight up,

[inaudible]

She's my little woo thing. -Ooh, Shorty got the fatty.

Shorty got the fatty.

Come on. Oh. They're gone.

Will: City boy is zooted.

[bellow]

Matt: Did you guys hear that?

Someone's coming, Matt.

Ben: Okay, it's definitely Max or Bryan.

Will: Hey. Nah, it's running animals.

-Okay. Would an animal make this sound? Awh!

Christian: Take the hit bro.

Will: Yeah, you sure this is it?

Wait, wait. No, I just heard it again.

That was very close. Did you guys hear that?

Christian: Will can't hang.

[camera beeps] Will: Oh, shit. You too.

Christian, are you good? [belches]

Are you good?

Yeah, you're fine. [burps]

-No one's gonna die.

[old pop music plays]

[growls]

[growling]

[echoing] B-Bryan?

Really bad fucking best friend, man.

I would have supported it.

What were you waiting for, city boy?

[snores]

[toilet seat smacks]

[growls]

Guys?

Matt? Will?

[glass smashes] Christian?

[growls]

Ah, yeah. That's you.

[vomits]

You're not still going are you?

[vomits]

No. You're puking. Okay.

That's all right, man. Just let it out.

It happens to everybody.

[door creaks]

Help me. Help me.

Yeah, um...

Just just stay here, okay man? You're gonna be all right.

I'm gonna go grab the guys, and then we'll uh...

Get you some help.

[growls] Will? Will?

Can you wake up, man? Christian's freaking out, okay?

I don't know what's happening. He's--

He's foaming at the mouth and shit.

I don't know what's going on.

Christian, just calm down man, all right?

Just calm down, man. You're okay.

Yeah, sit down. Let's just take it easy, okay?

[growls] [heavy electronic music plays]

Back up, okay? I'm gonna use this.

Okay. Hey, Christian. -[growls]

Get back! [smack]

Shit! -[growls]

Stop, stop!

Stop, stop, Christian!

Please, I don't want to do this.

Stop!

[snarls] [smack]

[clock ticks]

Will, is he...?

Ben, what the fuck did you do?

I didn't mean to. Okay?

I don't know why. He just came at me, all right?

I didn't mean to!

So what, you killed him?

No, of course not. Look at his face.

We need to get help or something.

Yeah, who are we gonna call, okay? There's no service!

What? There's no fucking service here. Look at him, man!

Maybe they can help somehow, I mean...

[breathes heavily]

I'll go to the neighbors. I'll see--

Maybe they have a phone. They could help-- something.

Okay. Yeah. Let's go to the neighbor, all right?

No, I'm not fucking going with you.

-Fuck you, I'm not staying here.

[suspenseful drone]

[pages flicker]

[phone rings]

[answering machine] Yo, it's Christian,

if I'm not answering, I'm either really drunk

or really dead.

[phone beeps]

Bryan: The store's closed.

Dude, I got no Gs out here.

I can't reach anyone.

What do you think they're doing?

What if they're setting up for the surprise party?

For my birthday! In two months. That makes sense.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna go pee.

-I'll figure out the G situation.

[car door closes]

Today was my birthday.

[Happy Birthday plays on piano] All my friends forget me.

It's fucking cold outside.

I just want to go pee.

[fly unzips]

[suspenseful drone]

[urinates]

[suspenseful music]

[branch breaks]

[goofy hip-hop music plays]

[urination continues]

[fly zips]

I'm so fucking high.

[roars]

Bryan whimpers.

Max [singing]: Happy birthday to you!

Oh my God, put your dick away! -Drive!

-Okay, okay! -Drive!

-I'm going. -It saw my peen.

[spooky music plays]

[footsteps]

You said Christian was foaming at the mouth?

You saw the body.

[Door opens and shuts]

Hello? -No one here?

Sorry to barge in so late. We just... really need help.

-There was an accident. We need to get to a phone, please.

Is anybody home?

Guess not.

Hello. Hello?

[phone slams]

Fucking dead.

[Fly buzzes] Ben, we gotta find a new phone.

Oh, shit. -Fuck.

-He's... yeah. -Uh, yeah, yeah. He's dead.

[suspenseful music builds]

Don't eat the deer. [film tape flickers]

-I don't know. It just doesn't make--

it doesn't-- it doesn't make sense, right?

I mean, Christian was a Bud Light legend.

He's not a lightweight. He shouldn't die from drinking.

Who knows?

[lighter flicks]

I-I-I don't know, something's weird.

Yo. Crazy question.

You want to go check and see if he's got a big dick?

Matt, you do realize our friend just died, right?

Yeah.

Rip.

You know, I-I don't talk about this much, but, my week

with Christian in the Black Forest, that was,

I don't know, something about it. It was really magical.

[chuckles] That was the best weekend of my life.

[romantic music plays]

[French narration]

[laughing]

What about our week at the Herpes Tree?

Was that not the most magical week of your life?

[bluegrass music plays]

Matt: Isn't this great?

Thanks for being little spoon,

by the way.

Sorry if you can feel that.

-Come on. I mean-- -That was just like, oh my God.

You know what? We had a great time at Arabis Tree.

It's just, you know-- -That experience right there.

We talked about that experience for-for-for months after that.

I dunno, it's hard to rank them. You know, it's just--

See you're being weird about it.

You're saying it's great, but is it not the best?

I don't know.

When you're going like house to house,

bed to bed with a guy

I don't know, You learn a lot about each other.

It was just, I don't know.

I told you, hey-- -You know, I'm just gonna, like,

try to chalk this all up

to the fact that maybe he's dead

right now, and you're feeling

some weird things.

But that trip to Arabis Tree was fucking amazing.

And, you know what? I-I think you're just jealous.

Maybe I am, maybe I am.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

You're jealous.

[romantic music plays]

[kissing] [stomach rumbling]

-Ow ow ow ow! -Ow ow!

-Fuck. -Okay.

I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Do we talk tomorrow?

Fucking idiot.

Grant: The deer, man. It's got to be the deer.

[mysterious music plays]

I was in the woods. I got attacked.

Wait, by the deer? -No, no, no.

By some crazy guy.

He must have eaten the deer. It's got to be tainted.

Like mad cow?

Is that the one where the cows go mad?

-Yeah. -Exactly.

But you didn't eat it though, right?

No, no.

-Crazy guy did bite me, though.

-Oh, he bit you? -Oof.

-Yeah. -Is it bad?

Um, you know, it's kind of hard to tell with the light.

It's a minor flesh wound.

Good.

Got a family reunion next week.

Did you eat the deer?

No, no, I--

Gotta look good for the pictures, you know?

Well, I didn't.

[lighter flicks]

Dylan: All right, so let me get this straight.

Matt, Will and Christian did eat the deer.

Ben: Yeah.

[pukes]

[film tape flickers]

[growls] [intense music plays]

-All right. How much did they have?

-Uh...Like, a lot.

[pukes and growls]

[roars]

Okay, great.

Yeah. That's great.

All right, so now Will and Matt

are going to get sick.

And then what?

We need to beat them to death?

No don't need that, just calm down, all right?

Fucking calm down?

How are you so calm right now, Ben?

Remember when you killed Christian?

-I had no choice, that wasn't Christian.

-That wasn't Christian?

What the fuck are you talking about?

He was sick, okay?

if it wasn't Christian, what was it?

That. -[growls]

Agh, Dylan help!

Okay, I see what you meant now.

Okay, so help me.

Uh, what do I do? What do I do?

Damn it, Dylan, you don't talk to me all day

and then shit hits the fan and you're on the side lines?

What? I didn't talk to you all day because you led me on

about the house.

Yeah, cause I knew how you were gonna react.

Well, I'm sorry that I don't want to be alone.

Alone?

[thump]

Dylan pass me the phone.

Come on, come on. [phone dings]

Thanks

You were so excited about moving in together I...

[squeals]

I didn't want to hurt you.

[gargles]

[thud] I was--

[thud] doing the--

[thud] right--

[thud] thing.

[pants]

I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry.

[distant growls]

[hits on door]

[suspenseful music plays]

[growls]

[can rattles]

[growls]

[intense music plays]

[thud]

[floor creaks] [suspenseful drone]

Shit.

[roars]

Go get to the garage, I'll hold him off. Go.

[growls]

[music intensifies]

[thump]

[snarls]

[thumps]

[pants] Oh shit.

Shit, now I killed someone.

[pages flick]

[suspenseful music plays]

[heavy breathing]

Bryan: And it had this, like, thick, nasty fur.

Max: Wow.

-Glowing red eyes. -Oh, spooky.

These big pointy teeth.

Yeah, totally sounds like a fucking deer.

Max, you don't understand. This deer is evil.

Oh, was there a big spooky thing outside in the woods?

I don't know, it's dark at night.

I-- [sighs] I think we're both just tired.

One of us more than the other. How about...

[whispers] we go to sleep?

It saw my penis.

And what a wonderful penis it is.

Also, please stop smoking this.

Revenge porn? Who is naming this?

You've clearly had a long day, bud, okay?

Why don't you just relax and chill the fuck out?

I'm going to go get my night serum.

-Okay. Bye bye.

Just gotta relax. [heavy metal plays]

Just gotta chill the fuck out.

[lighter flicks]

[suspenseful music plays]

Matt? Will?

Dylan: Maybe they're playing hide and seek?

I'm gonna go see if they're in the back.

You wanna grab Will's car keys from upstairs,

see if we can get out of here?

Sounds good.

We're probably gonna die, huh?

-Yeah. -Fair enough.

[footsteps]

[door creaks]

[door creaks]

[door creaks]

Will?

[wind howls]

Are ya in here?

Matt?

Feeling all right, man?

If you're anywhere in this room,

you can just stay wherever you are.

Ben: Please be trauma dumping. [splashing sounds]

I'm just going to get the keys, and Ben and I are going

to get the fuck out and...

keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

All right, it's got to be in here somewhere.

[sizzles]

Oh, my God, that's so much weed.

[door slams open]

[water runs]

[breathes heavily]

Oh, thank fucking God.

[growls]

Oh, hey Will.

What happened to your face, buddy?

Are you feeling--

[snarls]

Hey!

Look okay, we saw what happened with Christian.

That doesn't need to happen here.

I'm just gonna go.

I'm gonna go roll you a joint.

I'm gonna go roll you a joint.

I just need to get the rolling papers.

[growls]

So I'm gonna go do that.

But I'll be right back.

[snarls]

Agh, no! No! [intense music plays]

[door rattles]

[flesh tears]

[door slams]

[growls and bangs on door]

Shit.

[thud]

[glug]

Dylan: Ah. Ow.

I think Will had his tetanus shot.

[breathes heavily]

Well, I'm probably not going to make it to the Tooley Valley

this time, huh?

[chuckles] Yeah, probably not.

[footsteps, growls]

[suspenseful drone]

[thud]

[thud] [glass shatters]

Shit. We gotta get a move on.

Fuck.

-So Will, was he... -Foaming at the mouth?

Yeah.

-Yeah. Sounds right.

[growls continue]

Any sign of Matt back there?

No, but from the looks of it, he's probably turned, so...

One more thing to worry about.

Shh, sh.

What?

It stopped.

[glass shatters] [thud]

[snarls]

Did-did-did Will?

Yeah he just-- he just jumped off the balcony.

We should go. -Let's get the fuck out.

[creepy drone]

[spooky music plays]

[growls]

[tense music plays]

[door creaks]

[engine rumbles]

Come on, come on. No no no no.

Come on, come on, come on. [engine revs]

-Oh, my fucking God! -Fuck!

Shit. -Fucking Christ! Of course.

[thud]

Right, there's bear in the garage.

Oh, God. Okay.

And I have to go get it.

[sighs] Okay.

It's fine, it's fine. I'll just--

Can I go grab that gun?

Um... Will's still out there.

I know but you're in the car though, so you can lock it.

You're-- you're right, you're right.

I'm just going to the garage. That's the only reason I ask.

-I'm a little scared. But this is for you, this is--

You should take this.

Okay, so you can let go of the gun.

Uh, yes. Yeah. Okay.

You'll be quick.

Yeah. Yes.

Okay. You good?

Yeah. Yeah.

[door creaks] I'm gonna go.

[heavy metal music plays]

[pop music plays]

Ugh.

[bellow]

[suspenseful drone]

[growls]

[heavy footsteps]

[roars]

Not the zipper!

[intense music plays]

[zips]

[pants] [chuckles]

[unzips]

[suspenseful drone]

No, no, no.

[zips]

[unzips]

[zips]

[unzips]

[zips]

[unzips]

[zips] [unzips]

[zips] [unzips]

[zips] [unzips]

[zips]

[rips]

[growls]

[door shuts]

[heavy footsteps]

[sighs]

What are you looking at? -Ah!

[door creaks]

[suspenseful music plays]

[tv plays and fuzzes]

[buzzes]

Fun weekend at Christian's.

See the birds, look at the trees.

Fuck me.

[jolly music plays]

Stop stop stop stop. Come on, stop fish.

[suspenseful music intensifies]

Oh! What are you doing? -Shh! Max, the deer is back.

-Oh, God. You smoked. -Shh!

It tried to open the tent. -Bryan, go to sleep.

No, you don't understand.

The situation is one in which never seen before.

The situation is that you're always high.

[bandage peels slimily]

Fuck.

Come on Ben, where the fuck are you?

[growls]

[heart beats]

-No, no, he has hooves. How could it open a zipper?

-Is this about your birthday? -What?

Oh my God, Bryan! At first I was sorry.

And now I am certainly not sorry.

You were losing your mind.

[rustle]

[suspenseful drone]

[heart beat speeds up]

No you're a real sick, twisted son of a bitch.

I forgot one little birthday.

I honestly don't want to be around for any birthday.

-[growls] -Bryan, what is that?

[Snarls]

[car alarm sounds]

[growls]

[suspenseful music plays]

Shit.

[growls]

[jolly music plays]

Oh, Matt.

Hey, homie.

[roars]

No, no! -It's a deer, evil deer!

[roars]

I told you, Max!

I'm always right. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[roars]

Oh, God. Jesus fucking Christ!

[snarls]

Can you just leave me the fuck alone

for one goddamn second?

Just give me this. Just fucking have a break.

[thump]

[roars]

Oh my God, I'm sick of all this fucking zombie shit.

J-just stop, please.

I'll go get you some Tums. How about that?

Yes, it's good.

It's very good. Just stay there, please.

Just. [door clicks]

Oh my fuck! No, no!

Oh, what do you want from me?

[roars]

Oh, no! Ah!

Ahh!

Bryan!

[growls]

Gotta go, gotta--

[door slams]

Dylan! Dylan!

[roars]

Help! [thud]

Oh, you found Matt.

[intense music plays]

[growls]

Ah!

[snarling]

[thud]

[thud]

Ah!

[thud]

[growls]

Hi-ya! [thud]

Oh! Let's go!

[growls]

Dylan: Get away from me!

[growls] Get away from me! Get away!

[squish]

[snarls]

Hey, homie.

[roars]

Sorry, Matt.

[footsteps]

No wait, I'm too high. -God damn it!

[thud]

[thud]

[in Dylan's head] It's all on you.

There's no one left. What are you gonna do?

Will you fight or will you perish like a dog?

[growls]

[in Dylan's head] You hear that? It's over.

Die like you've lived. A coward.

[snarls]

[squelch]

[jolly music plays]

[thud]

[squelch]

[moans curiously]

[chews]

He's just like me. For real.

What is happening?

-Max? Don't you see?

You were right the whole time. The deer aren't evil.

They just like simple kush. Just like you and me.

-Oh, God. -[laughs]

They're not that different from us, after all.

And they're kind of cute.

[vomits]

Okay that thing is fucked up, though.

Yeah, never mind. It's incredibly ill.

[chokes]

We should probably go.

Yeah, we should go. Let's go.

[groans confusedly]

[door slams]

[sighing]

-I'm sorry. -I'm sorry.

No. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have made you drive for 19 hours straight.

Yeah, it's kind of fucked up, dude,

but I forgot your birthday.

That means a lot to you, man.

Yeah, I'm a pretty big birthday guy.

But we got this whole trip ahead of us.

Tomorrow morning we'll be at this beautiful cabin

in Colorado, with a ton of beer and our best friends

in the world.

You're right. All of our friends will be there.

We'll throw you a big birthday party, all right?

Really?

Christian'll bake you a big cake.

Matt's gonna give you a big hug.

Dylan'll sing, [shells clang]

and Ben'll light the candles. [gun cocks]

Wow.

I love the homies.

Yeah.

Feel like we're forgetting someone.

No.

[door creaks]

[suspenseful drones]

[growl]

[intense music plays]

[trigger snaps] Homie?

[gunshot]

[thud] Holy shit.

What the fuck? Is that physically possible?

I guess we better go.

-Yeah, yeah, we should go. -Fuck.

Will. Yeah.

Will.

[laughs] -Will, he's awesome.

I always forget about Will.

[happy music plays]

Ben: Holy shit, what a fucking evening.

Hey, thank God you came in with the antlers.

That was choice.

Yeah. Dude, I just saw something sharp and pointy.

-And it paid off.

But yeah, no, so we left the garage,

and then what happened?

Yeah and then a wild fucking Will appeared.

Oh my God, right. He got fucking launched.

How far was that?

You know, realistically, I would say ten feet,

but I think I'm gonna write down 100.

Hey, go for two. Why not?

You know what I totally forgot about what?

-What? -Max and Bryan.

I mean, those fucking bozos. What happened?

Oh my God. Yeah.

Wait, they-- they just never showed up, did they?

Yeah, I thought they were gonna, like, save the day or something.

Hey. You know, you could have them save us

in the screenplay.

Screenplay?

Yeah. Dude.

Got an outline right here. You gotta write this at NYU.

Yeah, maybe a lot of therapy.

Could use a co-writer in the city, though.

-Moi? -Yeah. Come on.

You wanna be a city boy?

Come on. [chants] City boy, city boy,

city boy. -Well, shit. I guess I'd better.

All my roommates are dead, right?

Yeah. [chuckles]

[spooky music plays]

No, but seriously, once this nightmare is over,

we'll get you patched up, fly you out first thing.

You can crash my couch.

My bed. I'll take the couch.

Hey, uh...

-Yeah. -Ben.

No, and I know you're probably, like, allergic to, like,

everything in the city, so like...

[piercing drone]

[growls]

And we gotta hit up this mom and pop pizza shop

Christian told me about. It's a little hole in the wall.

And some bars. -Ben!

All: Ah! [thud]

Fuck this guy.

Where did he come from, dude, I thought you pushed him

down the stairs!

[roars]

What do I do?

Quick! Use the wiper.

-What? -Use the wiper.

-Okay? -Just do it.

[wipers squeak]

[happy music plays]

Ah!

[glass cracks] Ben?

Ben?

-Dude, have you got your seatbelt on?

[seatbelt clicks] Always.

Okay great. Remember that movie I Love You, Man ,

starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel?

-Ben? -I love you, man! Ah!

[tires squeal]

[crash]

[car beeps]

[page turns]

[gasps]

[somber music plays]

[growls]

[gargle]

[gunshot]

[somber music continues]

[heavy breathing]

[car honks]

Bryan: Yo! Hey Benny boy. Max: You look like shit.

Somebody die, or? [chuckles]

Bryan: So you had to kill-- Max: Will, Matt, Christian

and the neighbor? -And the hunter.

And the hunter.

-And the hunter. -Right.

Technically Dylan killed Matt, but yeah.

Oh, okay. So it's not all on you.

And Dylan at the Tooley Valley, you...

Yeah. Max: Oh, God.

Man, this doesn't feel real. -I'm sorry, man.

-Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, how far back did Will fly again?

I don't know, it was inhuman.

And before you shot him, he said, Homie ?

Yeah, there's a good chance he was just really high, so...

How far is inhuman in feet? -Do you think Will

smoked all that weed?

Like, maybe we should go back to the cabin just to check?

Are you serious?

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

My bad.

Okay, cool. Thanks.

Should we head back to town? Maybe get some help?

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Cool. -Cool. Yeah.

[indicator clicks]

[mellow music plays]

[sniffs] Dude. -Wait, something's wrong.

Guys.

Sorry, this song is not the vibe.

Let me put it on the melancholy mix.

Ooh, or the sad boy station.

[songs cycle through]

Hey, Max. -Yeah?

You got a request?

Oh, yeah. I have a song.

Can you play Shut the Fuck Up by Bryan, featuring Earth

and its entire population?

That is so unnecessary, dude.

Come on. I'm trying to set a mood.

All of our friends just died. That's the mood.

Exactly.

More of a reason not to shit the bed on us.

Okay, that's insane.

I'm not insane. I let drama sit and stew.

I'm not an INFP or whatever Oscar Mayer wiener shit

you think I am!

-[laughs] It's Myers-Briggs. You're such an ENFP.

-Stop throwing letters at me. You know I'm dyslexic.

-Oh, I'm well aware of your condition.

-This is why. astrology is so much better.

It's signs and shapes. It's simple.

-You're simple. -You're a piece of shit.

-I'm a piece of shit? You're a piece of shit.

We need group therapy.

That's what the orgy could have been.

-So you admit it. You wanted an orgy?

-Oh, yeah. Sure. -Guys...

I mean, we're all a bit homiesexual.

-What the fuck? -Guys!

-I like-- -What?

Where'd you find this?

Oh, that's Vinny's dude. [laughs]

Yeah, I found that on Yelp. It's like a local meat spot

over here. It's organic and stuff. It's pretty good.

Did not sit well with Bryan, though.

-You said it was beyond me. I'm vegan.

Yeah, it's beyond all expectations.

That's the whole thing.

When did you eat it?

Bryan: Breakfast?

Yeah, Vinny's does breakfast now.

Oh, good for them. Well it's venison.

You ate venison.

-Oh. -Hm.

Do you know what venison is? -Meat?

-It's like Italian? -It's deer.

You ate deer? It's on the logo.

Oh.

[mellow music plays]

[growls]

[vomits]

Oh, deer.

Well, well, well.

What a tale we have unraveled here today.

One of adventure, lust and betrayal.

I do hope y'all learned something.

I know I sure didn't.

Until next time my flesh wearing friends,

always remember...

Don't eat the deer. Yee-haw!

[heavy electronic music plays]

♪ Eat the meat, eat the meat, eat the meat, eat it,

♪ Eat it, eat the deer,

♪ I shot it with a gun, venison,

♪ Bet he run, away from there, I'm not scared,

♪ I'm drinking a beer, and I'm eating this deer,

♪ I shot it with a Remington shotgun

♪ It was fun, then I eated at Vinny's Venison

♪ Yeah I'm at Vinny's Venison

♪ Did he eat the meat? Did he eat the meat?

♪ Did he eat the meat?

♪ Did he eat the meat?

♪ Did he eat the meat?

♪ And I'm not the deer, I'm not even here,

♪ I'm here de beer, Yeah, I cook it on the grill,

♪ Phil, I've had my fill, I'm chilling with Will

♪ I bet he wants to eat it boom style,

♪ That's my friend, Christian.

♪ That's my friend, Christian.

♪ Eat it. No no no.

♪ Did he eat the meat? ♪ ♪

[dramatic music plays]

Hey, folks, I'm going buck wild down here at Vinny's Venison!

We've got tasty deer, crazy deer, huge deer,

small, rare, well done, morning deer.

We should make pot legal.

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer, deer.

Vinny's Venison deer is going to make you die.

I'd like you all to meet my beautiful boy,

Vinny Venison Junior.

Here he is, folks, fresh out of Harvard University.

I love you, Pa. Somehow I love killing deer even more.

So let's get together at Vinny's Venison

at Chain Zorro. Woo-hoo! [hums tune]

I'm Vinny Venison, and you are watching Boxfort TV.

[heavy electronic music plays]

Boxfort.