Original subtitles

[lively rock music playing]

♪ ♪

- Even though it didn't work out

with Ayesha's brother Ahsan,

I still had to uphold my end of the deal.

I would audition with Lady Parts for Sound Smash.

- Someone is fucking out of tune and it's throwing me off.

- You better not be talking about me, sis.

- Where you off to? - I've got labs.

Sorry.

So, so sorry.

- What's wrong with you? Where have you been?

- Just stuck in labs.

- I had to pick all the flower arrangements without you.

- Meanwhile, I was also helping Noor

plan her engagement party.

It was my sacred duty as her best friend.

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

Living two lives was no mean feat.

- Alive. [all talking over each other]

- I had newfound sympathy for spies and philanderers.

all: He's alive, he's alive.

- Navigating these choppy seas

of deception,

I was master and commander.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- All that's left to get is the rose gold fairy lights,

champagne table covers, carnation sheer drapes,

brushed gold serving spoons.

Amina? You getting this?

- Got it. Got it.

- Also, what else? We need cake, who's on the cake?

- We are.

- Off again, are we? - Yeah, labs, mad intense.

- Babe, we know what you're doing.

- You do?

- Obvi, you're going to see Ahsan.

- What?

- I really like you, but just, you know, as a friend.

- Oh, shit.

- That name,

a bullet in the heart,

a dagger in the clavicle.

Got me. [laughter]

- Well, don't overdo it.

- There is such a thing as being too keen.

- Mm-hmm. - Ladies.

You tell him we are so looking forward to meeting him.

- Yeah.

I still hadn't told my friends

that Ahsan had rejected me.

They thought I was seeing him,

when actually...

- Sup, motherfuckers!

Have I got news for you.

- So did you get us a slot?

- Saturday, 2:00 p.m.,

Sound Smash audition.

- Shit. That's soon.

- Well it's the only slot they had.

- It's fine, we're ready. - Uh...

2:00 p.m., Saturday?

[laughs nervously] Mm, I can't, mm-mm.

- Ugh, Amina. - What?

- It's Noor's engagement party. I can't miss it.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

- Wow, wow. Relax, breathe.

- [sighs]

- Just tell her you need to need to leave early.

- I can't. They don't know about the band.

They cannot know about the band.

- Nice--healthy. - [breathing nervously]

- Hey, relax.

We'll pick you up, do a quick audition, and drop you back.

- No one will even know you're gone.

- That.

- Maybe I shouldn't do the audition.

I mean, I could puke. I always puke when I perform.

What if I puke? Or worse...

what if poo comes?

- Poo is not gonna come.

- Remember, this is not a performance, it's an audition.

Big difference. No crowd.

You'll just play like you play with us in here.

- I had performance anxiety, Noor anxiety,

living a double life anxiety.

I was in over my head.

[whimpering] - Okay.

I think we need to decompress, hmm?

Get out of Dodge for a bit.

- [groans] - [sighs]

all: ♪ The toxicity of our city ♪

- Guys, where are we going?

all: ♪ You, what do you own the world? ♪

♪ How do you own disorder, disorder? ♪

♪ Now somewhere between the sacred silence ♪

♪ Sacred silence and sleep ♪

♪ Somewhere between the sacred silence ♪

[birds chirping]

- Where are we? - Countryside, baby.

Sometimes we like to kick it in The Shire.

- This is where we unwind. - Yeah, chill.

- Is it safe?

They wanted me to get out of my head

and into my body, release my demons,

unclench my sphincter, find my Zen.

[yells]

- Come on. I've got you.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

[pastoral music]

♪ ♪

- [yelling] - [yelling]

- Sorry, what's going on?

[all yelling]

[both grunting]

[cows lowing]

- Just relax and lie down, feel the earth.

Mother Nature says, "Chill."

- I had never been in the countryside before.

Anything outside London zone five

was foreign terrain to me.

It didn't feel right.

Uh... Whose land is this?

- Whose land is this? Whose land is this?

Whose land is this? - Whose land is this?

- [grunts]

- I mean, someone might own this land, I don't know.

- Just 'cause someone sticks a flag into something

doesn't make it theirs, you get me?

- This land is ours.

We are Earth's natives.

Our forefathers fought and died in the white man's wars

for the express purpose that we would be able

to sit here on this here land

and smoke this here doob.

- Great! - Mmm.

[cheering]

[exciting rock music]

♪ ♪

- And just like that, I let go.

Somehow the band had got through to me.

And in this green and pleasant land,

I lay my troubles aside.

Even Ayesha and I were bonding...

- Oi, listen yeah. - Sort of.

Yes, listening. Sorry.

- I don't mean to be so hard on you.

You're not a total loser or a totally shit guitarist.

- Thanks. - You do get on my tits though.

- Sorry. - No, it's cool.

It's band life, I guess.

Sorry it didn't work out with my brother.

- Oh. - I thought it might.

Given how wet he is. - [laughs] Yeah.

[wood crackling]

- Good chat.

You're alright.

- A toast to our newest band member,

a delightful freak show,

a humble virtue, I say.

A horny reprobate. [laughter]

And our great new friend.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

- Am I really that bad?

- That bad? You're that good.

- You gotta own your freakiness

before your freakiness owns you.

- Bring on the audition!

[all yelling]

- Hey!

This is private land!

- Sorry, sir, this land is our land.

We are Earth natives--

- Run! - Shit!

[indistinct shouting]

[cheering]

- Back in the Big Smoke, and I was feeling different.

Something in the countryside air changed me.

I figured, maybe it wasn't such a big deal

to tell Noor about Lady Parts.

- [sobbing]

- I figured wrong.

- Hon, it's fine. You made a mistake.

- I'm so sorry, Noor. I didn't mean to.

- What's going on?

- Zeyba sent the wrong playlist

to Osmond for the engagement party.

- Oh, so what's the big deal?

- [scoffs] - She sent her get-pumped

playlist instead of her get-wed playlist.

- It had some inappropriate tracks.

- Inappropriate tracks?

- "Sexual Healing." [clears throat]

"Pony."

- "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat."

- Babe, you made a mistake.

Sometimes it takes something like this to happen

for you to understand your missteps.

- Mm-hmm.

- The highs of the countryside

suddenly seemed a distant memory,

and not just for me.

Saira's natural habitat had been invaded,

and she was confronted by a new and terrifying obstacle.

- Mmm.

- A dinner date.

- Abdullah, this lamb is sick.

- Thanks. It from to Saira's butchers.

- Yeah, it was pretty much about to go off,

so I got it really cheap, so...

- [coughs] - Mm-hmm.

- Saira and Abdullah were newly official as a couple,

an item, a thing.

- So big day coming up for you guys, huh?

- What?

- The audition.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, we're finally getting somewhere.

And Taz is making waves

with the whole online thing too, so...

- That's great, baby. - Thanks.

- Saira thought she could do the whole

girlfriend-boyfriend thing,

but she was struggling with the reality.

- How's Marnie? - Good, good.

And she's killing it in school, crazy smart.

I don't know who she gets it from.

- She hardly ever puts down

that Captain America shield you got her.

- What can I say, my arrested development

means I buy good presents for kids.

- Mm.

- Hey, you'd make a great dad one day, you know?

- Um, Saira, you'd make a great mum too one day.

[chokes, coughs] This lamb is so spicy.

- Would anybody like so more lamb?

- I don't know if it's my bag, the whole family thing.

You guys are great, don't get me wrong.

And Marnie is fucking amazing. - Thank you.

- But I am not convinced it's quite for me, you know?

- Why is that?

- I'm gonna go to the toilet.

- Well, my parents were trapped in a loveless marriage

for 30 years, hated each other.

The only thing good about my family was my big sister,

but she went and died when I was ten kind of randomly,

so yeah, don't know.

Jury is still out on the whole starting a family sitch

pour moi.

- I'm just gonna... Wasim!

[utensils clattering]

- How the fuck did you not tell me you had a sister?

- I don't know, it's personal.

Plus, she's massively dead so it doesn't really count.

- Sorry, it counts. That counts.

[sighs]

Look, I'm sorry, I know it's must be horrible,

but Bisma and Wasim know.

- Bisma's my best mate.

- So what am I, then?

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, so I hadn't told my friends about the band,

or that Ahsan wasn't interested,

but I'm a highly intelligent woman.

I could figure this out.

Hey. - Sorry--oh, hey--hey!

- How's it--hey.

Oh, no.

- Listen, I'm really sorry about the other night.

I should have been way more clear after the date.

I'm sorry. Ayesha told me you were upset.

- I was fine. I mean, I am fine.

There is really no need to apologise.

- I'm not that kind of guy. - I'm sure.

Could this get any more awkward?

Uh-oh.

- Hello.

I'm Noor. - Ahsan.

- Oh, I know who you are. - You do?

- You two have literally been inseparable.

- Um... - And I cannot wait

to meet you properly on Sat.

A couple of Imran's cousins have bailed,

so there's plenty of food to go around,

in case you were worried.

Also, no dress code.

Maybe smart casual--smasual.

Sound all right?

- S-sure. Sounds good.

- Perfect.

Well, you two have fun now. Not too much fun.

- [laughs softly]

- Does she think we're-- - Yes, I know, I'm sorry.

I'm going set her straight, I just haven't yet,

'cause, I don't know if being everyone's

favourite loser is boring.

Am I right? Avoid. LOL.

But yes--no, I will tell her. I'm so sorry.

- I could come with you. - What?

- If you want.

My way of saying sorry for misleading you.

And I don't know, maybe then we can call it even.

- Oh, um...

Things I thought could never happen.

Yeah, okay.

One, Ahsan Alkaaf offering to take me

to Noor's engagement party.

And two...

me, Amina Hussein,

rehearsing for an audition

with a punk band?

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm sorry if I scare you, I scare myself too ♪

- ♪ I scare myself too ♪

- ♪ You find me terrifying, could it be you know who? ♪

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪

- ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪

both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪

- ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪

both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪

- ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪

both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪

[energetic guitar riff]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Does the other head gear scare you too? ♪

- A hat? - Helmet?

- Nah, just you.

- ♪ Does the other head gear scare you too? ♪

both: Hats? Helmets?

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

- ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪

- ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪

both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪

- ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪

all: ♪ Voldemort's alive and he's under my headscarf ♪

- ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪

both: ♪ Voldemort's alive ♪

all: ♪ And he's under my headscarf ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Are you Hufflepuff? Are you Gryffindor? ♪

- ♪ No--Slytherin! I'm fucking Voldemort ♪

all: ♪ Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Volde- Voldemort ♪

- Playing with Lady Parts was actually kind of fun.

I never thought I'd say it, but bring on the audition.

all: ♪ Voldemort ♪

[bright music]

- The day had finally arrived. - Hmm.

A light schmoozing at Noor's engagement party with my fake man,

get some kudos, why not?

Followed swiftly by an epic audition with Lady Parts.

What could possibly go awry?

[whimpers]

[retches]

- So this Ahsan is interested in you?

- Sure.

I thought it best not to divulge details to Mother.

You know how she gets.

- Are you dating? - God, no.

- You know what I mean, the halal version,

mutually interested in a more-than friendship,

but strictly nonsexual way, or whatever you kids call it.

- He's just a friend. We're going as mutual friends.

- Right.

Mini, you know you can tell me things.

- Sure.

[doorbell rings]

[humming softly]

[breathes deeply]

- Shit. Wow, okay.

- Salaam, Aunty.

- Right back at you, sweetness.

- Inappropriate. Hmm.

- Yeah, after you. - Thank you.

- [exhales]

- This is very weird. - Yeah, it is.

- Thanks for not telling your sister.

- Yeah, it's cool.

- At the event, do you mind not mentioning

the audition or the band to anyone ever?

- Yeah, sure. Sure.

- If you could maybe just say you go to Friday prayers

at your local mosque, just in case they ask.

- Sure. - Great.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've seen a rom-com

with this sort of story line.

Debra Messing hires a male escort, Dermot Mulroney,

to go with her to her half-sister's wedding

'cause she wants to get to her ex-boyfriend.

- Right, so I'm the male escort in this scenario?

- It's a rubbish film, just awful.

Like, 11% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes,

like, terrible.

- I'm just messing.

[soft laughter]

- Mutual friends.

Just two mutual friends

going to an engagement party mutually.

Not weird at all, totally normal.

[gasps]

- Hey, welcome. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, so all the men are over there.

Imran. Imran.

- Salaam, Amina. - Hi.

- Welcome. - So Imran, this is Ahsan.

- Salaam, brother. How are you both?

- Well.

- Very well. - Well.

- Well, you've been getting to know each other well.

- Yeah, very well.

Not like that.

Yeah, well. - [laughs]

Museums.

- Sorry?

- We really like going to museums.

- Oh. - Tate, National Portrait...

- Science Museum. - Very cultured.

- Mm. - And the mosque.

- Oh, which mosque do you go to?

- Just a local one.

End of the road. Ye olde local.

[laughter]

- Who is your imam? - His name is...

Imam Inunzimam. - Mm.

He's a new guy, you know, beard.

Wears a beret.

- Oh, hip.

- Very hip. So shall we?

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

- This was a favour.

He was just doing me a favour,

but I couldn't help but be a little distracted.

- She's not answering.

- They're not gonna wait for us.

- [yells]

- Guess we're waiting here, then.

[indistinct chatter]

- You reeled in a real nice catch.

Mashallah. Mubarak ho.

So come on, spill. How'd you get Al Dreamy, huh?

Do you think he had Ugly Duckling syndrome?

- What?

- You know, he was a fat kid growing up,

then lost the weight, got really buff,

ugly duckling no more, boom, swan, you know?

So he doesn't really know what league he's in.

- [laughs] - [laughs]

Excuse me one second. - Bye.

[soft ambient music playing]

♪ ♪

- Male escort reporting for duty.

- Oh, I think I saw your beret-wearing imam friend.

He just cycled past, carrying some baguettes.

- Oh, I see how it is.

[uneasy music]

- More of a sausage fest than I was expecting.

Where are the woman folk?

What the...

What are you doing? Thought you friend zoned her.

- No, no, he came with me.

- What?

Whatever, we've gotta go now.

- Uh, I'm sorry, miss, this is a private event.

You need to leave.

- Last time I checked, ma'am, this was a free country.

- No, this is Saira,

my mum's sister's sister-in-law's sister?

- Yes, a family emergency.

- Oh, no, not a family emergency.

- Oh!

- She doesn't look like your relative.

- I was adopted.

- I'll be right back.

- Amina! - Right back, promise.

[cheerful rock music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, sorry we're late, traffic was appalls.

- 20 minutes late.

You don't have time to sound check.

- No sound check, just go.

- Saira, sorry.

I can't, I can't. I've never been a pub before.

I think I'm getting drunk on the booze fumes.

- No, relax. You can do this.

- Okay.

- Trust in yourself, man. You're a great guitarist.

- This was not a gig, just an audition.

Not a gig, just an audition.

[panting nervously]

- Ready?

♪ Why won't you love me? ♪

♪ Why won't you text me back? ♪

♪ Leave me on read ♪

- ♪ Ghost me like I'm dead ♪

- ♪ Are my clothes too tight? ♪

- ♪ But ♪

- ♪ You say I'm not polite, I say fuck you very much ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪

[muffled shouting]

Amina, come on!

- [gulps]

- For fuck's sake, play something.

- Nothing would move.

It was though gravity was crushing me down into stasis.

At least I wasn't puking, right?

♪ ♪

- Sorry, we're having a bit of a technical...

- Technical? Your guitarist isn't playing.

- She's nervous. It's fine, we'll try again.

One, two--

- Yeah, that's not how it works.

Next band, please. - Wait, no, sorry, we're ready.

We've worked really hard for this.

- All the bands work hard. - Come on, please.

- Listen, we're only gonna put on

the very best unsigned bands in the country, okay?

If you have any kinks you need sorting out,

I suggest you do that before you step on my stage.

Next band, please.

- And just like that, it was all over.

What had I done?

I...

[feedback screeching]

- Nice one, mate.

[melancholy rock music]

♪ ♪