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NARRATOR: We will begin in
ten seconds.

Please adjust your universal
translator to the language
of your understanding.

We will begin in five seconds.

Please adjust your universal
translator to the language
of your understanding.

We will begin in zero seconds.

Of all the creatures
in the universe,

none possess the mating ritual
as complex, as perverse,

as tragically beautiful

as the Earthbound Human.

More passionate than the
Orktamus of Centali Five,

more neurotic than the
Sleekanda of Sleewa,

it is a wonder that these
furry creatures have not gone
extinct millennia ago.

But in spite of
their self-inflicted paradox,

their numbers grow
at a rapid pace,

over-consuming
their tiny planet.

For it is from these creatures
that we have acquired
the universal expression,

"Fuck like people."

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: The young male
begins his sojourn along with
others of his pack.

Their bellies are full from
a hearty meal of plant and
roasted animal flesh.

The male hides his nervousness
from the rest of the pack.

He has tried this a great many
times before,

with limited success.

His cerebral cortex
pounds with anxiety,

his loins with
hyper-active semen.

The male gives the
Great Warrior sheaths of thin
green tree bark,

hoping that the color will
satisfy the Great Warrior

and he will allow the male
to enter.

The Great Warrior is pleased.

He places a symbol of ink on
the male's hand

proof to the world that
the male is ready to mate.

His new surroundings are
pleasing to him, familiar.

He has been to sacred meeting
grounds such as this before.

He makes his way to the long,
elevated surface

where he will consume small
amounts of fermented grain,

in the hopes that it will make
him more appealing to a
potential mate.

In fact, it has the
opposite effect.

The fermented grain makes all
females more appealing to him.

Well, almost all.

This one, he feels, lacks the
correct genetic stock
for motherhood.

This one would make
a better father than mother.

The male would be redundant.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

NARRATOR: This one is clearly
reserved for wealthy
tribal chieftains.

To prepare for mating,
she sways her hips

and flings her behind in an
attempt to dislodge her
egg from her uterus.

The male exhales sadly.

He knows his place
in the pack.

The female feels the
mate's gaze upon her

and marks him as a potential
father of her future cubs.

Her ovulation complete,

the female ceases her
gyrations and returns
to her pack.

It is the male's opportunity.

Like all creatures
of the universe,

the male and female begin
by examining each other.

-(DOGS SNIFFLING)
-(PEACOCKS SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: Tentatively,

carefully,

not willing to reveal too much

or commit too far.

The female bares
her teeth to show she wants to
mate with him.

The male mimics this gesture

to show that he, too, would
like to mate right now.

Encouraged, the male attempts
the next step.

It is a long walk for him.

He must make the
perfect greeting if he
wishes to be fruitful.

If you're not a professional
dancer, you should be.

What?

If you're not a professional
dancer, you should be.

What?

I think you're a great dancer.

What?

NARRATOR: But his introduction
was flawed.

There will be no fruit for the
male this evening.

The female, for her part, uses
her time in the sacred
meeting ground

fending off the advances of
all but the right male.

Yeah, I know.

NARRATOR: This one lacks
intellect.

Bye.

NARRATOR: This one lacks a
warrior's spirit.

He would be devoured on the
first hunt, she feels,

leaving her to raise her
cubs by herself.

This one just smells funny.

But like the childhood story
of Goldilocks and the three...

-Hey. Excuse me.
-NARRATOR: This one is
just right.

Remember me?

Look, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say that
you're a good dancer.

I wasn't being crude.

I'm just a bad mime.

A guy apologizing.

Now, that's the way
to start a relationship.

-Jenny Smith.
-Hi.

The male and female
rub their paws together.

The female studies the male

as he, in turn, studies her.

-Chanel.
-Shampoo.

(CHUCKLING) Um, okay.
Well it's nice. It suits you.

-Brut.
-Chanel.

(LAUGHING)

Do you often wear
women's perfume?

Yeah, yeah. It's my way of
showing I understand women.

You know, I'm going for
that sensitive eighties
guy kind of thing.

-Does it work?
-No.

No, not since the eighties,
but, oh, man, in kindergarten,

I was hot stuff.

NARRATOR: The female exhales
rapidly to show that
her lungs are strong

and that she
can bear many children.

The male exhales
rapidly as well,

to show that he has endurance
and can impregnate her many
times over.

She lets him know that
she is pleased,

for that is what she is
looking for in a mate.

He is pleased because all his
blood has rushed to his loins

and he doesn't know
any better.

Look, I want to keep
talking to you,

but I was on my
way to use the facilities.

All right. Have a nice life.

Wait. Hold it. I'm just going
to the bathroom.

Yeah, right. Like I haven't
used that
one a gazillion times.

Come on. You think that I'm
blowing you off? Are you nuts?

That's a really nice way of
putting it, but still...

Okay. I tell you what.
I'll hold it in.

-Really?
-Yeah.

That's so sweet.

(CHUCKLING)

Um, you're screwing
with me, right?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

NARRATOR: The female is
pleased.

The young male has great
potential for
fatherhood, she feels.

He'll provide well
for her cubs,

and stick around long after
she is fat and bloated.

She consumes fermented grain
to celebrate her good fortune.

See? I came back.

Groovy. Let's dance.

I don't know if that's such a
good idea.

You don't dance?

No, I do, but like
a white guy.

I don't know if you're
impressed
enough with me yet.

Risk it.

Okay. Just remember.
I would've held it in for you.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: And so the male and
female see their way through

the intricate dance of
the mating ritual.

Both sides must play
their roles perfectly,

confronting an infinite
barrage of obstacles,

necessitating the involvement
of countless other humans

in order for the
species to reproduce.

We don't know if
they will succeed.

And if they don't we will film
another couple who does.

(CHUCKLING)

You want to get some coffee?

No, I've got to get up really
early tomorrow.

-(MAN GRUNTING)
-I'm sorry maybe we could...

-Jenny!
-There you are. We've been
looking for you.

Guys, this is Billy. Billy,
these are my
two best friends,

-Lydia and Lana.
-Hi.

Hi. Lydia, hi. Lana, right?

-It's the other way around.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

-I'm sorry. I meant it the
other way around.
-Yeah.

NARRATOR: The female shows
the male to her pack.

But the male is not interested
in the female's pack.

He wants to
be with the female alone.

There is still something he
must get from her.

Something without
which the mating ritual will
come to an end.

Panic sets in.

It is difficult
to achieve with
the female's pack present,

but he must ask for it
in order for the species
to go on.

Can I get your number?

I was wondering when you
were going to ask.

-He's cute.
-Yeah he is cute.

-Shut up. Turn around.
-Oh.

NARRATOR: The female scratches
numerical symbols onto a thin
white sheath of tree bark,

hoping the design will
please the male.

-Here.
-Great.

NARRATOR: The male is pleased
by the design.

To him, it is the prettiest of
all pictures.

I'll call you in a...

-In a while.
-In a while. Great.

I'll call you in a while.

In a while.

(CHUCKLING)

I tell you what.

-Bye. Bye.
-Bye. Nice meeting you.

-Bye.
-Yeah, you, too. So long.

NARRATOR: The male is happy
with his new mate.

It has been a good night
at the sacred meeting ground.

The Humans of this hemisphere
of the planet

spend most of their time at
play in tall, steel huts of
their own making.

The male busies himself with
numerical symbols

and electronically
enhanced intelligence

to create a picture
pleasing to those superior to
him in the pack.

This game he calls accounting.

He plays with a toy named
after one of the small rodents
of his planet.

He presses his fingers against
the rodent's buttocks,

and gently taps
upon its cheeks.

Still, he prefers the female
of his own species.

The male is not pleased
with his picture.

He finds the female's
picture much prettier.

He wants to know
how she can make
such a pretty picture.

Hi. This is Bill Waterson.

Ah, yes, Mr. Greenway.

Oh, well, we'd love to
help you, but,

gosh, tell you what,
we're really,
we're booked solid.

Let me see
if there's any openings here.

Boy, we're just
we're just swamped here.

Oh. Here's a
cancellation at...

How's Thursday at three?

Or, or, or now?

Yeah. We could do now.

Now is fine. Yeah. Great.
We'll see you.

-We got a client?
-BILLY: Looks that way.

-Torrance referred us.
-Torrance is a deadbeat.

Yeah, but he's our deadbeat.

We only got three
clients. I think we
ought to embrace him.

All right.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

-You were going to call her,
weren't you?
-No.

-Tell the truth.
-Okay.

You're developing a serious
body odor problem, but I don't
think that's relevant.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

You just met her last night.

If you call her now,
you'll scare her off.

Come on, man.
I don't play those games.

Don't do it, man.
She'll think you
want her.

-I do want her.
-I know.

But if she thinks that,
she'll find somebody else.

Someone who doesn't want her?

Someone cool.

-But I'm not cool.
-Exactly.

That's why you got to wait a
few days before you call her.

And when you do ask her out,
act like you're doing her a
favor, you know?

Like you don't give a damn if
she says yes or no

because you got
all these other
chickadees waiting for you.

And that will impress her?

Right into the sack.

NARRATOR: Please do not adjust
your universal translator.

We are not experiencing
technical difficulties.

This is a Human thing.

It makes no
sense to us, either.

Heed my words, grasshopper.

Be patient, be a champion.

You know, Jimmy,
it occurs to me that

I haven't seen you with
a woman
in about three years.

Right. That's because I always
phone them
the very next morning.

Oh.

(CAWING)

NARRATOR: The great hunting
and gathering ground.

Check this out.

NARRATOR: The female finds
an animal skin
to shelter her from the cold.

-Way too obvious.
-(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

NARRATOR: The pack feels it
will not keep her warm enough
in the harsh winters.

The female's task in
this initial part
of the mating dance

is to wait
for the male to contact her.

This causes some anxiety but
she is confident
in the wisdom of nature.

What do you see
in him, anyway?

He seems like a nice guy.

He's an accountant,
for God's sake. I mean,
yeah, he's kind of cute,

but what are you going to
do with an accountant?

I think you should
call Mike and
beg him to take you back.

Yeah, Mike was gorgeous.

There's sure no denying that.

And before him, remember Ed?

No one was cooler
than Ed.

I don't need cool.

And Robert was like the
smartest guy I ever met.

But he'd humiliate me
every chance he got.

There's got to be better.

I think it's time
for a nice guy.

NARRATOR:
The male's sleeping hut.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The male is now ready to mate.

Fuck! How could
I lose her number?

Look on the bright side, man.
I mean, if she was that fine,

she probably gave you
a bogus number, anyway.

I'll help you find it.

The need for the
female is harsh.

The male's body
tenses with anxiety.

A bodily liquid called sweat

is transferred through
his pores.

A foam called saliva dribbles
out of his mouth.

This condition will
not pass until he has mated
with his female.

The best looking girl that
ever talked to me,
and I lose her number.

I blew it. I'm an asshole.

All right. Wait. Let's just
retrace your steps.

Where's the last place
you saw it?

-At work.
-Right?

I was going to call her,
then you talked
me out of it.

I put it in my pocket.

-Did you check your suit?
-It couldn't be in my suit.

My suit's been
in the dry cleaners
this whole time.

I just picked it up
this... Oh, shit.

NARRATOR: The male searches
through his animal skins.

Perhaps the female is inside.

Blinded by his
need to procreate,

the male shows
some lint to the other member
of the pack.

Is this the female I seek,
he asks.

Yup, you're an asshole.

NARRATOR: No, it is not,
responds the other.

The male finds solace in a
bound collection of sheathes
of white tree bark.

Perhaps he will find
the female inside.

So you're going
to call every J. Smith
in the entire phone book?

It's only like four,
five pages.

Face it,
Billy. You lost her.

The male will not forgo
the mating ritual.

The species must prevail.

It will be very difficult
for him,

but he will not give up.

For the Human male is among
the horniest of creatures
in the known universe.

Hi. May I speak with
Jenny Smith?

There's no Jenny Smith here.

Is this J. Smith?

This is John Smith.

Oh. Never mind.

Yeah, this might take a while.

NARRATOR: The male uses a
rudimentary communication
device to seek his mate.

Have you seen
my female, he asks everyone.

She is mine.
You cannot have her.

Hi. May I speak
with Jenny Smith.

Yes. This is Jenny.

Oh. Jenny. Great. Okay.
Did you meet a guy named Billy
at Shay's the other night?

About five-ten, brown hair,
nice smile.

Do you like leather or jeans?

What?

I'd love to meet you.
Come on by.

Maybe another time.

Maybe another time.

Hello. Is this Jenny Smith?

Yes, this is Jenny Smith.

Hi. Are you about five-five,
a hundred and ten pounds,

brown hair, really nice boobs.

Hello?

Hello. Is Jenny Smith
home, please.

I didn't think so.

Ring.

Ring now. Okay,
in five seconds.

Four, three, two, one, ring!

Okay, that was zero.

Ring now!

Ring!

NARRATOR: The female in heat.

This is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous. I mean...
(SIGHING)

Why did you even
take my number if you're not
going to call me?

It's because I didn't
put out, isn't it?

You saw me dance,
I was looking
kind of hot.

You just figured me
for a quick, easy lay.

Well, I've
got news for you, mister.

If you just want some cheap
slut, you've come to
the wrong gal!

Ring!

I'm such a loser.

If he was going to call,
he would've called by now.

Come with us.

I just want to give him a
little bit longer.

Jen, it's been like
five days already.

He's just playing it cool.

Cool? The man is a
fucking accountant.

Could you show a
little sensitivity?
She liked the guy.

I just called him
a fucking accountant.

I didn't say he wasn't cute.

He is cute, isn't he?

Yeah, he was. I'm sorry, Jen.

NARRATOR: The female wonders

how the others in the pack
have so forgotten the
mating ritual.

Perhaps they have never felt
the thrill of mating,

and have not awoken these
maternal instincts
within themselves.

I'm just going to give him a
little bit more time.

Okay. But if you change your
mind, we'll be at the Dresden,
okay?

So meet us there.

-Okay.
-Good luck.

NARRATOR: The female grows
anxious.

The male has
not shown himself,

nor does it appear he will.

The female is ready to find a
new candidate for mating.

Hey, guys, wait up!

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hi, this is Lana.

Jenny and I
aren't here right now, so
leave a message at the beep

and we'll get back to you.

If this is a guy.

Jenny may be cuter,
but I put out.
(CHUCKLING)

(BEEPING)

BILLY: Hi. I'm calling for
Jenny Smith.

This is Billy,
we met at Cachet
a few nights ago.

You threw your drink
at me, and I gave you...

NARRATOR: The male calls out
for the female,

searching the ether
for his true mate,

but she doesn't
answer his cry.

All seems lost for
the species.

BILLY: I took my jacket to the
cleaners and it got shredded.

So anyway, I've gone through
the whole LA phone book

trying to find you, and,
well, okay,
not all of LA,

just 213
and most of 310...

And, God, I hope you don't
live in the Valley. I mean,
nothing against the Valley,

but I don't think I've got the
strength for 818.

So, if this is
you, give me a
call at 555-7754.

I'd love to have dinner with
you or something.

If it's not you,

leave me alone.

Is Jenny Smith there?

Hi. Is this Jenny Smith?

I met a girl at a club
the other night.
Thank you.

NARRATOR: It was a dreary day
for the male.

He listens to water
beating against
a ceramic wall.

It is a soothing sound for
him, with a calming effect.

ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hi, it's Jenny.
I got your message.

I knew you'd call,
I told everyone you'd call.

Yes!

I can't believe you actually
went through two whole area
codes just to find me.

I'm really, really flattered,
or very, very afraid.
(CHUCKLING)

Anyway, I'd love to have
dinner with you.

So now you have
my number,
you'd better use it.

No, no, wait.
That was a random shot.

-I'll be waiting by the phone.
-Look, leave it!

Leave it! Leave it, leave it,
leave it. Leave it.
Please leave it.

(DIAL TONE BEEPS)

(GRUNTING)

NARRATOR: The male weeps
as the female's mating
cry comes to an end.

(BEEPING)

Billy, this is your mother.
I haven't heard from you
in almost a week.

I'm wondering if you're
living or dead. Call
me either way.

-(BEEPING)
-Hi, it's Jenny again.

On the off-chance you didn't
keep track of
which number was mine,

I know no one can be
that dumb, but just in case,

it's 310-555-0181. Now use it.

NARRATOR: But it is the second
of the female's mating cries

that causes the male to go
rabid. Mating is imminent, and
he knows it.

The Female prepares carefully
for her next
encounter with the Male.

She paints her
face with berries and
chemically processed colors,

hiding from the Male
her natural state,

which she hopes to show him at
a later time.

She uses chemically altered
forms of vegetation to cover
parts of her body.

Then other forms of
vegetation over those.

She leaves much of
her body uncovered,

but is careful to cover the
first layer of vegetation.

She puts the excretions of
small, sea-dwelling

creatures through holes in
the lobes of
her hearing organs,

which she had mutilated
long ago as a symbol of her
entry into womanhood.

She pulls a bone
out of her skull.

She is ready.

The male has a much
more arduous task.

He must appear
strong to the female.

So strong that he doesn't
care how he appears.

It is this appearance
he must strive for.

He uses a hydrogen
and oxygen mixture

with some animal fat to remove
the planet's nourishment
from his body.

He debates
over removing the fur
from his face

with an artificial
tooth of steel.

He ponders this for a long
time before
deciding to keep the fur as a

display of his masculinity.

Then he changes
his mind again.

Meticulously he
combs his hair,

making certain that it
appears uncombed.

He covers his body
with the same
vegetation as the female.

Then his upper torso with
the hair of one creature.

And that with the
hide of another.

Now he is ready.

I shouldn't have shaved.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

NARRATOR: The male and the
female feed on a meal of dead
earth creature and vegetation.

Both herbivore and carnivore,

the Human is one of the few
animals in the Universe that
will eat just about anything.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I mean, come on, come on, now.
"In computers"
could mean anything.

It doesn't matter.

All right. If you won't tell
me what you do,

will you at least
tell me why you won't tell me.

You know, because guys find
it a turn-off when girls
babble on about themselves

on the first date.

Tell me about your
accounting firm.

Oh, I can't.

Government work kind of stuff?

Girls find it a turn-off when
guys babble on about
themselves on the first date.

(CHUCKLING)

We definitely have a problem.

Rules are rules. I mean, when
you think about it,

it's amazing when people
actually get together.

Is that really one
of the guys' rules?

Well, not so much a rule as
a guideline.

Good. Because you're the first
guy I ever met who follows it.

BILLY: I like coming up here.

Even on a drab, smoggy night.

It's nice. It's real quiet,
you know.
It's peaceful.

Yeah. It's a beautiful
night tonight.

I guess we got lucky.

I guess we did.

Yeah, I guess we did.

NARRATOR: The male and female
open their souls to
each other,

sharing their pain and
sadnesses, each lessening the
burden on their partner.

Many experts cite this as the
most beautiful part of the
human mating ritual.

Other than the copulation.

My little brother was
born blind.

So when I first got
into computers,

he'd come hang out with me and
ask me questions about it.

He was so into it.

It made me want to cry.

So where I work now,
we're trying to create this

special monitor
for blind people.

But, I mean,
we're years away
from getting it.

If it's even possible.

You'll get it.

I worked my butt off to get
through school.

I held every shitty
job there was.

But I knew, you know,
if you're not a professional,
then you're nothing.

So, uh...

There I was, making a decent
living at a big firm, but...

I was still getting pushed
around by assholes.

So one day, about seven,
eight months ago,

my friend Jimmy and I
decided to start our own firm.

We pooled everything we had,
we moved in together
to save on rent,

got a fancy-schmancy
office in Century City,

and Waterson-Conners
was born.

-That took a lot of guts.
-(CHUCKLING)

It's horrible.

If we don't get any
more clients soon, we're going
to have to go crawling back.

Well, that'll take a
lot of guts, too.

Whoa.

So, what are
your parents like?

My parents?

Oh, they're great.

That's one place where
I got real lucky.

You know, typical
Leave It to Beaver
kind of deal.

Just thinking about them
makes me happy.

(BOY HUMMING)

What the hell are you
doing inside?

It's a beautiful day.

BILLY: My father was a
soft-spoken man.

And look at this room.
It's spotless!

What kind of kid
are you, anyway?

BILLY: But he always had
a kind word for me.

Be a kid, goddammit!
Have some fun!

BILLY: Always urging me
to enjoy life.

Like that!

BILLY: And he taught me the
things that he knew most
about, real man's stuff.

But still, he was never afraid
to get a little mushy.

And I love you.

-BILLY: It was a magical time
for me.
-(BOY HUMMING)

BILLY: Any my mother, mom was
the queen of style
and fashion.

Was your father in here?

Oh, don't worry about it.

BILLY: But she always had that
mother smell, you know?

Chicken soup and floor wax.

You're Mama's good little boy.

Mommy loves you.

Yes, she does.

Mama loves you.

Loves you. Loves you.

Loves loves you.

Dad!

Yeah. I was real lucky.

NARRATOR: The male's task is
to determine if
the female is ready.

Moving too soon
or too late may
result in disaster.

But the human female emits no
odor to let him know.

What?

Oh, um...

What were your parents like?

They're great.

NARRATOR: The female is ready.

But she must wait
for the male
to figure this out on his own.

She can emit no odor
to help him.

In fact, to do so would
be disastrous.

They move toward
each other, slowly,

cautiously,

the future of their
species dependent on the
next few seconds.

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: The male wonders
how he can make her
think he did this on purpose.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Is it too late to point
out how romantic the stars
look at night?

(CHUCKLING)

NARRATOR: But he fails.

Come on. I'll race you
to the water fountain.

Oh, man!

NARRATOR: Like so many
creatures on so many planets,

nothing gives more pleasure
than a simple run through the
darkened vegetation

of one's habitat toward a pure
crystal spring.

-(LAUGHING) Beat you.
-Oh, would you?

NARRATOR: They move toward
each other
and they brush lips.

Ready for procreation,

the male slips his tongue
into the female's mouth.

But her egg is not in her
mouth, he discovers.

Even if it were,
his semen is not
in his tongue.

The human reproductive organs
are in the pelvic region.

Just like a human male,
not to stop and
ask for directions.

Over many encounters, spanning
an entire lunar revolution,

the male and female feed on
more dead animals and
vegetation together.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: They return to the
sacred meeting ground

and experience together the
metallic vibrations
of their first meeting.

They ride mechanical
beasts that
invoke nausea and fear.

They watch their sun
disappear in the horizon,

hopeful that it will return
and not go super-nova,

causing an instant suffocation
and death.

They watch moving shadows
in dark caves together.

(SOBBING)

NARRATOR: Human females enjoy
stories about one person
dying slowly.

The males prefer stories of
many people dying quickly.

-(GUNSHOTS)
-(SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: But they stay
through the other's shadows,

for it is not the
shadows they desire,

but the companionship.

And at the end of each night,

they brush their lips against
the other's once more,

and taste the other's tongue,

growing closer to true mating.

This time,
the female allows the male
to touch her bulbous chest

which contains
the infant's milk.

But no more.

This time, she allows him
to taste of the infant's milk,

checking for poisons
or impurities
on behalf of the child.

But no more.

The female must take
things in stages.

It is her task to test
the male to find the level of
frustration he can endure.

Male frustration being an
integral part of
the life together she calls

"Marriage."

The female is ready.

The female removes all
vegetation from
the male's body.

He, from hers.

They lay upon one
another, their bodies tense,

moistened.

Unable to stand it any longer,

the male reaches for a
thin, red square of tree bark.

He bites into it and produces
its true fruit,

a tubular form of
vulcanized vegetation.

The male places the
tubular vegetation
upon his seed shooter.

Okay.

NARRATOR: He mounts the
female.

He uses friction to
release his seed.

The mating ritual
of the Humans of Nocturis
Five would end here.

But the Earthbound Human,

like only
six other creatures in
the known universe,

uses artificial means to
delay procreation.

For the vulcanized vegetation
that the male
placed on his seed shooter

will prevent his seed
from ever reaching
the female's egg.

Like so.

(GUNSHOT)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(MOANING)

Wow! I guess it's true.

Nice guys really
do finish last.

(LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: The male arrives at
his playground, contented.

A sense of well-being
surrounds him.

(HONKING)

NARRATOR: The female is
contented as well.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Jennifer, would you
terribly mind
doing a little work today?

I'm sorry. But it's
just such a
beautiful day.

(SIGHING)

-What's going on?
-Nothing.

NARRATOR: A gift from the
male.

Oh! He didn't!

NARRATOR: Raw vegetation for
the female to eat,

so she may keep up her
strength for motherhood.

He is so sweet.

I just can't
believe how sweet he is.

(SNIFFING)

NARRATOR: The female plans to
eat the vegetation
at a later time.

You slut.

Jennifer, you've only been
seeing this man
for a month,

and you give it
up just like that?

Stay out of this.
You're embarrassing her.

I just don't want her
to develop
a bad reputation.

Who are you, her mother?
It's none of your business.

NARRATOR: The females of the
pack discuss the
mating dance.

They are happy for her,
for the propagation
of their species.

Males of the pack sense the
progression of the
mating dance as well.

-Fucked her?
-Fucked her.

Cool.

NARRATOR: The pack rejoices.

-(MOANING)
-Yes!

NARRATOR: Over time, the male
and the female

continue to practice the
physicality of mating.

-Oh!
-Yes!

(MOANING)

NARRATOR: It is difficult for
them, causing them
pain and anguish.

-God!
-Oh! God! Oh!

NARRATOR: But for the good of
their species, they endure.

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(MOANING)

NARRATOR: And endure.

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

NARRATOR: And endure.

But still they feel they have
not perfected their craft.

You get a better price if you
buy them in bulk.

(MOUTHING) Okay.

Like my cousin. She had this
big, old-fashioned wedding
with hundreds of people,

lots of bridesmaids, a band,
ushers, flowers.

I was only about ten,

but always I always dreamed
of having
a wedding like that.

Sounds great.
Hope I'm invited.

-Ha ha.
-MAN: Jenny!

Oh, God.

Hey, Jenny, wait up.

NARRATOR: Other males see the
female and want to mate with
her as well.

-JENNY: Walk away.
-Who are these guys?

Hey, Jen. Hey.

Hey, I've been meaning
to call you.

Hi, Mike. Mike,
Tony, this is Billy.

-How you doing?
-Shut up.

You dumped me for this fag?

No. I dumped you because
you're an asshole.

I found this fag on my own.

(CHUCKLING)
Don't you just love her?

Look, a lot of time
has passed.

I know I made some mistakes,
but can't we just
talk about it?

No. I found somebody else now.

Oh, come on, Jen.
Just give me a chance.

Let go.

Hey. Look, we don't
want any trouble.

-Fag.
-Just come with me. Please.

-Let go of me!
-Hey, calm down will you?

JENNY: Let go of me!

NARRATOR: The male must
protect his mate and
defend his territory.

The male is overwhelmed
with an urge to attack.

But he is frightened.

There are more of them,
and they are bigger.

JENNY: Let go of me!

-Just relax, will you?
-Let go!

NARRATOR: The male attacks.

But he is no match for them.

The mating ritual may come
to an end for him, after all.

JENNY: Hey, Tony, catch.

The female makes her choice.

(EXHALING)

He taught me a few things
when we dated.

NARRATOR: They retreat
to the tranquility
of the male's sleeping hut.

Thank you.

I don't get it.
You're beautiful.

You're smart.
You can beat the crap
out of people.

You're the perfect woman.
What do you see in me?

That you think I'm the
perfect woman.

You knew
you were going to lose,
and you defended me anyway.

You're incredible.

(GRUNTING)

I don't think I can.
It kind of hurts.

You don't have to. I will.

NARRATOR: The female attempts
to swallow the male's seed.

For only through the sense of
taste can she know that
his seed is healthy

and will produce
a strong child.

Oh! God! Oh, God.

NARRATOR: The male prays to
his deity to make his seed
strong and healthy.

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMING)

-Where's the end?
-It's a blow job again.

Oh man.

It's a blow job again.

Where are we supposed to go?

-Oh, come on.
-Where's the end?

-We have to go back.
-Come on.

-Damn.
-What a waste.

NARRATOR: His seed is strong.
He passes her test.

Thanks. You're the best.

Keep telling me that,
and one day
I might believe it.

Oh, you should believe it now.

(SIGHING)

Are you ready to take this
relationship
to the next step?

We just got to this step.

I think you'll like it.

Okay. Sure. If you think so.

Yikes! An AIDS test?
You said I'd like this.

You're the one who's
always complaining
that using a condom

is like taking a shower
in a raincoat.

This way, I'll have my
diaphragm and we won't have
to worry about anything.

I wasn't worried
until we got here.

It's just a precaution.

Besides, you said
you haven't been with
that many women.

Yeah, but they were
all sluts and
drug addicts.

Don't look at me like that.

Waterson, William.

(SCOFFING)
I don't want to be dying.

They say you start dying
the moment you're born.

Well, I want to stay dying for
another seventy or
eighty years.

NARRATOR: As true mating grows
ever nearer,

the male seeks medical advice
from the large female.

Instead,
she sticks him with needles
and sucks out his blood.

What a bitch,
thinks the male.

Not to be outdone
by her partner,

the female puts herself
through the same ordeal.

But she, too thinks
that the large female
is a big fat bitch.

The male worries.

If his blood is tainted,
he will not be able
to propagate his species.

He takes it upon
himself to contact
the large female,

making sure to keep his
concerns well hidden.

The female shares
these concerns as well.

She too decides to contact
the large female.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Hi. This is Jenny Smith.

I'm calling for the results
of my HIV test.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You're so nice. Bye.

Whoo!

Oh, I see.

Are you sure?

All right. Thank you.

NARRATOR: The male tells the
pack the horrific news.

His blood is unclean,
he has learned.
He can mate no longer.

No human cub will
ever carry his genes.

What exactly did they say?

Well, what's there to say?

They got the results.
It's negative.

-Negative?
-Negative.

My whole life is one big
fat negative.

(LAUGHING)

Jimmy, come on,
that's not funny.

You yutz. Billy,

negative means
you don't have it.

No, negative means...

But are you sure?

I'm pretty sure.

NARRATOR: The dance moves
onward.

The male sheds the
vulcanized vegetation

as nature deems it
no longer necessary
for mating.

The female prepares herself a
circular form of
vulcanized vegetation,

proportionally fitted
to her cervix.

She spreads cream on
it for added taste.

This is still not mating.

The cream in question contains
an active ingredient
known as spermicide,

which preys on the chemical
make-up of semen,

destroying it before it can
reach the Female's womb.

A microscopic view
of the inner workings of
spermicide may look like this.

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMING)

(GUN FIRING)

NARRATOR: Sperminator,
enemy to all semen.

(MOANING)

I love you.

I know what you mean.
The hits just keep on coming.

How come you can't say it?

-Say what?
-I love you.

Oh, come on.
I say it all the time.

No. We've been together for
almost a year, and you
haven't said it once.

Why not? I know you do.

And that's the
important thing.

-I love you.
-Mmm.

You're the best.

You'll say it. (CHUCKLING)

-You going to be long?
-No, just another minute
or so.

Hmm.
That could mean anything.

You know, Jen, I feel pretty
comfortable with you.

I think...are you ready to
take this relationship
to the next step?

That's funny.
I was just thinking the
same thing.

I've been wanting...

NARRATOR: The male takes
the mating dance to
a higher, richer level.

Got them.

Third row on the floor,
Lakers-Bulls,
you-me, to-night.

Sorry, man, I can't.
Me and Jenny
got a thing.

No. No, no, no, no.

You have the thing.

-Don't go get whipped on
me, buddy.
-(LAUGHING)

I'm not whipped, all right?

It's just I'm supposed
to meet her parents
tonight, you know?

Whipped.

NARRATOR: The pack prepares
themselves for the
male's departure.

He will soon leave them to
start his new life
with his mate.

Hey. I'm not whipped,
all right?

I've been stalling for three
weeks on this thing
already,

and it's important to her,
so I got to do it.

You're whipped.
Good as married.
God help you.

I'm not whipped.
I'm considerate.

I've seen it a million times.

Pussy, pussy whipped, whipped.

I'm warning you, Jimmy.
I don't want to hear you
use that word again.

Okay.
Which? Pussy or whipped,

-because I...
-Oh, we're pushing now? Huh?

NARRATOR: They embrace, sadly,
perhaps for the last time.

The male meets
the female's parents.

He is nervous.
Without parental approval,

the female
may choose another mate.

-(LAUGHING)
-It's a little early in the
relationship for this.

I told you not to worry.
Come on.

What are you so worried about?
It's no big deal.

I just don't do parents well.

Relax. They're good people.

I'm sure they'll
feel the same way about you as
I do. Come on.

Hi. We made it.

Mom, Dad, this is Billy.

Hi. Nice...

Eddie, your sister's here.

NARRATOR: Wanting everything
to go perfectly,

the female assures the male
that her family is loving
and happy and normal.

Humans call this a
"white lie."

(SNIFFING)

Why do I smell gun powder?

Oh.

You must be Jenny's boyfriend.

(CHUCKLING)

I got this in 'Nam.

Killed myself so many gooks
with it, the Captain said
I could keep it.

I bought this
at an auction in London,
England. It's an antique.

I never fired it. Not once.

I guess I'm kind of waiting
for a special occasion.

You know why
I keep this around?

It can't be traced.

NARRATOR: The breaking of
bread.

The female's family nourish
themselves in silence

and stare at the male
because it scares him.

Well,

to be honest, these days

it's you know, it's really
tough. I think we're lucky.

It's very tough to find
somebody
you can make it with.

I mean, somebody

you can have a relationship
with, and have the
relationship make it.

Mom, he has his own
accounting firm.
Isn't that great?

Tell her about it.

It's nothing.
It's really it's nothing.

It's small.

(LAUGHING)

Isn't he cute, Mom?
Look at those
little cheeks.

Stop.

-Stop. Stop.
-Okay.

NARRATOR: Another obstacle is
overcome. The mating
dance goes on.

I love you.

I love this.

Bastard.

Because it's manipulative.

Nobody says I love you
unless they want
something from you.

My parents used to pull
that crap on me all the time.

"I love you.
I didn't mean to yell at you."

"I love you.
Clean up the kitchen."

"I love you. Don't rat us
out to child services."

They never said that.

But my point still stands.

When do I get to meet them,
anyway?

Who, my parents?
I don't think that's
such a good idea, Jenny.

We've been together
for over a year.
Are you embarrassed of me?

No. Them.

Mom, Dad, this is Jenny.

It is so nice to
meet you, Jenny.

We've heard nothing but
wonderful things about you.

Thank you.
The pleasure's mine.

Can I offer you a drink?
We just opened a Chardonnay
that'll knock your bra off.

-(LAUGHING)
-Mom!

It's okay. Chardonnay sounds
wonderful, Mrs. Waterson.

Please. Margo.
And this is Tom.

Go. Help yourself.

We'd serve it ourselves

but the pouring is just
a little bit too much
temptation for us.

We're in a program.

Oh, God.

Step eleven. (LAUGHING)

-I'll get the wine.
-No, no, no. It's okay.

I'll get it.

What's wrong with you?
They're charming people.

(CLEARS THROAT)

She's so nice.

Yeah. Yeah, she is nice.

She has beautiful eyes.

-Thank you.
-So, did you fuck her?

What the hell's the
matter with you?

What? What did I say? I asked
if he fucked her.

Well, of course he fucked her.
Wouldn't you
fuck her?

Hell, I'd fuck her and
I'm not even into that.

-Mom!
-What?

I'm defending you.
Your father's the
one causing the trouble.

I just wanted to know
if those were
real hooters or not.

Well, of course they're real.
You can't buy
hooters like that.

Okay. If you two continue
to embarrass me,
we're leaving.

There's just no pleasing you.

Come on.

It's an honor to have you in
our home, Jennifer.

NARRATOR: The male's parents
take an immediate liking
to their cub's mate

and welcome her
into the pack.

For the female,
it is like gaining a new

father and mother,
in addition to her own.

How happy she is.

Her new father examines
her milky chest.

He is pleased that his
grandchildren will
be well-fed.

Another hurdle overcome.

(MOANING)

God! You are so pretty.

You're so pretty, too.

That's a horrible thing to
say to a guy.

I'm handsome, I'm maybe cute.

You're very, very pretty.

Oh, yeah?
And what if I do this?

(LAUGHING)

Yuck.

I think we know who the pretty
one is in this relationship.

Oh, yeah? What if I do this?

(LAUGHING)

Okay.
Then I would have to do this.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah?
Well, I'll have to do this.

Oh, yeah?
Then I'll have to do this.

That one's pretty good.

It better be,
because it's real.

-God! Oh, boy!
-Oh!

(GUN FIRING)

NARRATOR: Sperminator,
protector of the uterus.

CO-WORKER: Bye, Jen.
Have a nice weekend.

You, too.

Here you go.

Thanks. Jenny,
it's Mr. Hatfield,
from Entertel.

Damn.
Can you just tell him I left

and the reports were faxed
to him about
five minutes ago?

Jenny, that is dishonest.

Please.
Me and Billy are going
to Monteledo in a half hour,

and I haven't even packed yet.

What's Monteledo?

It's in Central California,
an old hippie town.

Billy's friend has a house in
the woods and he lent it to us
for the weekend.

Please.

Mr. Hatfield?
I'm sorry, she just left.

But she wanted me to tell you
that she faxed your reports.

Yep. Everybody's left.

Is your wife still there?

NARRATOR: The male and female
go to the woods,

planning to mate
in their natural habitat.

The female is anxious.

She knows the burden
motherhood will bear.

Relax.
It's not like we've got to
be there at a specific time.

We said we'd leave by eight.
It's eight-thirty.
I just hate being late.

You're always late.

That doesn't mean
I like it.

Come on, Jen, relax. I mean,
we're going up there to
have a good time.

I know that.

So, don't put
any pressure on yourself,
you know?

If we're late,
we're late. So what?

(SIGHING)

I suppose you're right.

Well, that's it. I'm ready.

Great.

I feel like
I forgot something.

Oh! Don't worry.
Everyone feels like that
when they travel.

Yeah, but I really feel like I
forgot something.

Then we'll rough it.
That's what they
woods are for.

-Don't worry. It'll be fine.
-If you say so.

Trust me.

BILLY: How could you
forget your diaphragm?

I told you I forgot something.
You said it didn't matter.
You said we'd rough it.

You can't rough that...

NARRATOR: Ready to mate, the
male and female discuss the
virtues of parenthood.

You can always pull out.

Oh, that's a little too
rough for me, thanks.

Oh, so this is all my fault?

You're not even
willing to sacrifice?

I'd love to promise to but
I wouldn't
be able to.

Look at you. You're
the most beautiful
thing in the world,

and I'm just a stupid,
horny schmuck.
Let's be realistic.

Well, I guess that's that.

You want to play cards?

You know, there are other
ways to rough it.

How?

Brace yourself.

NARRATOR: As mating grows
ever nearer,

the male uses his tongue
to explore the female's womb,

clearing the passageway
of any debris

so that the infant will
have an easy voyage
into their world.

(JENNY MOANING)

Oh, God.

NARRATOR: It is painful for
her,

but for the good of their
child, she makes the
sacrifice.

So this is nature.

Oh, nature's good.

(JENNY MOANING)

JENNY: Yeah! Mmm.

NARRATOR: Young humans often
have difficulty discussing

the mating dance with
those more elderly.

Hi. Can I help you?

NARRATOR: Here, an embarrassed
male tries to secure from

the old wise woman a slice of
vulcanized vegetation to place
on his seed shooter.

Do you do you have any, um...

You know, um, condoms?

Oh, sure.
We got ketchup, mustard.

My man Thor makes a mean
home-made marmalade.

No, no. Not condiments,
but condoms.

-Eh?
-Um.

Prophylactics.

Male birth control.

Oh, rubbers.
Why didn't you say so?

Of course we sell rubbers.
What do you think we are,
backwards?

Great.

Okay, that's three in a pack,
we're for another day.

-So, we'll take two packs.
-(CLEARS THROAT)

We'll take five packs.

Oh, I don't have
that many left.

Okay. We'll take
whatever you got.

That'd be none. Those rubbers
sell like hotcakes up here.

Do you have anything?

Diaphragm? Sponge?
The pill?

-They don't have that here.
-Well.

Funny thing about
that expression.

Hotcakes never sold near
as good as rubbers.

The expression should
be, "Sells like rubbers."

I mean,
who needs hotcakes?

Is there a store
anywhere nearby?

Nope.

Ever since the government
unleashed AIDS on
our unwitting society,

those rubbers have sold
like rubbers.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, thanks
a lot for your help,

and I guess
we'll see you soon.

Yeah. Real soon.

NARRATOR: Unbeknownst to the
male and female,

the old wise woman is really a
citizen of the planet Pierkov.

Who would've thought there's
not a store in the entire area
where you can buy a condom.

Well, this is nice, anyway.

Yeah, it is.

Kind of reminds me
of when we were first dating.

You know, just holding each
other, not really
being able to do anything.

Yeah. Only then we didn't know
what we were missing.

What are you saying?

-I can't stand it.
-Good answer.

-I should be okay.
-Yeah. I'll pull out.

It's a pretty safe time in my
cycle right now.

And I'll pull out.

Some people
never use anything at all
and nothing ever happens.

I'll pull out.

I thought you said you
couldn't do that. I thought
you said I'm too beautiful.

Yeah, but look at you. You're
not wearing any make-up.
Your hair's a mess.

You're a skank.

Oh, you sweet-talker, you.

NARRATOR: Now this is mating.

More than a year
after they have met,

a year of practice
and preparation,

countless other
humans guiding them
and keeping them on track,

reproduction is
ready to take place.

(GUNSHOT)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GIGGLING)

NARRATOR: Conception!

I think we're all right.

Absolutely.

NARRATOR: But believe it or
not, the mating dance is
still not complete.

Conception is only
an important
stage for humans.

Much can still go wrong.

-JENNY: Whoo!
-(BILLY LAUGHING)

-BILLY: I think that's the
one.
-(JENNY LAUGHING)

(TIMER CLOCK TICKING)

It's nothing. All that clean
air in the woods just threw
off my cycle, that's all.

Then the test will show
negative. At least this
way you'll know.

I already know.

Then what are you
worried about?

You just shouldn't have bought
me the test.

That's right. Billy should've
bought you the test,

but you don't have
the guts to tell him.

There's nothing to tell him.

(TIMER CLOCK RINGS)

There's something to tell him.

(SIGHING)

I'm pregnant.

I'm going to be a mother.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm going to be a mother!

* The itsy
bitsy spider went up
the water spout

* Down came the rain and
and washed the spider out *

Morning, Mom. Hey,
what smells so good?

Your lunch, son. Tuna fish
on whole
wheat and fruit

so you'll grow up
healthy and strong.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

My favorite. I love you, Mom.

I love you, Billy junior.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING)

Hi, honey. I'm off to work.

-Have a nice day, sweetheart.
-Bye, Daddy.

And who do we have here?

I'm your child.

-No, I don't have a child.
-Yes, you do.

No, I pulled out. Remember?

Sorry, little
boy, but I pulled out.

-No, you didn't.
-Did.

-Didn't.
-Did.

-Didn't.
-Did.

-Didn't.
-Did.

-Billy, what are you saying?
-Did.

Billy.

Look, I refuse to accept this.

Well, you're going
to have to accept it
because it's true.

No. I will never accept it.
Never!

(LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY)

I'm going to be a mother.

NARRATOR: The female is
thrilled by the
prospect of her motherhood.

You'll be okay.

(SIGHING)

What am I going to do?

How am I going to tell Billy?

Billy, we're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

Remember when you said
you'd pull out?

You bastard!

Listen, you're not alone.
We're totally going
to be here for you.

It's going to be fine.

NARRATOR: Nervous about
the male's reaction,

the female tries to mate
with her own pack,

but that's a whole
other movie.

The female conveys
the good news.

Their efforts have
proven fruitful.

I'm pregnant.

Whoa.

Whoa.

NARRATOR: The human male now
does a peculiar thing,

indigenous to those
of his species.

After months of mating,

he determines
that he is not interested
in the dance he has danced.

He has not mated.
He never met her.

What's her name?

Say something.

Oh. It is mine, isn't it?

Say something better!

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
That was wrong.

Of course it's mine.

Whoa.

Okay. Okay.
I got to stay strong here.

I got to do the
honorable thing.

I'm going to
do the honorable thing.

"I'm going to do the
honorable thing?"

What is that, some kind
of pity proposal?

I've waited my whole life for
a man to ask me to marry him.

But I sure as hell don't need
your pity proposal.

By "honorable thing" I means
that I was going to pay
for the abortion.

What?

But if you don't want my pity
proposal, I understand.

I don't believe you.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know. I just wanted
you to be happy about this.

I wanted you to...

Forget it.

So you do want me to propose.

Pussy, pussy, whipped,
whipped. Pussy pussy
whipped whipped.

NARRATOR: The male is trapped.

Well, you planned this thing
real well, Jen. Real well.

What? I didn't plan anything.

No? You've been calling
the shots from the beginning.

"Let's get an AIDS test."
"Let's go meet my parents."

NARRATOR: They embark upon the
uniquely human characteristic
of saying things they will

later regret, one of the more
dangerous steps of the
mating dance.

You asshole.

God, I thought you
were a nice guy.

Come on, Jen, deny it. Look me
in the eye and tell me

this wasn't some part
of a grand scheme to trap me.

-In the eye?
-In the eye.

Get out of my home.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

-(DOOR CLOSING)
-(YELLING)

BILLY: You got to be
exactly...

NARRATOR: The male retreats to
the comfort of the pack.

Only with his own kind,
he knows, can he be safe
and healthy and strong.

BILLY: It's like, I don't even
have a choice anymore.

It's got to be her way
of the highway.

Well, I don't take
to ultimatums.

Mmm-hmm. No man does.

And I'm sure as hell not ready
to get married.

-No man is.
-No man.

NARRATOR: They force him
to consume large amounts
of fermented grain

in an attempt to kill him.

Unwilling to mate, he is
no longer of any use to their
species.

BILLY: Since it ended,

I got this feeling in my
stomach like an empty pit.

Like I don't
even know I don't even know
how to live anymore.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Here, drink up.

(GAGGING)

NARRATOR: The male tries to
validate his existence

and prove he doesn't need
a female to mate.

He attempts to devolve into
a hermaphrodite

and give birth to offspring
on his own.

(GRUNTING)

NARRATOR: For the male,
this will prove
ultimately unfulfilling.

Although genetically equipped
to deliver the placenta,

he is unable
to produce the infant itself.

The female retreats
to the comfort of
her pack as well.

Now expectant mother,

it is within her power alone
to erase the past year

or allow the mating
dance to come to fruition.

I mean, there is no way I'll
bring that asshole's
baby into this world.

Listen, if you want
to do this, we'll back you up.

We'll take you
there but don't do this
because of him.

Do it because it's
what you want.

But I don't know what I want.

I definitely don't want
another one of him
running around.

So what time?

No. I've got to do
this myself.

Oh, honey.

NARRATOR: The dance ends.

It is as if the male
and the female
never crossed tracks.

Appreciating the male's futile
attempt to devolve
into a hermaphrodite,

the pack welcomes him back in
with support and sympathy
over his loss.

You did the right thing.
I mean, she...

She was playing you
for a sucker the whole time.

-I don't know.
-Come on, man.

You saw the guy
she went out with.

What would she
want with you?

Other than the fact

that you're the only one
who would stick around

after her biological alarm
clock buzzed.

Now the joke's on her.

I suppose.

I mean, I knew she
was out of my league from the
moment I first saw her.

-She's beautiful.
-Exactly.

-And smart.
-Right.

Kind, caring,

supportive, successful.

My point is made.

And I love her.

Maybe you didn't get my point
after all.

BILLY: What am I, crazy? She's
like the greatest thing that
ever happened to me.

She's the greatest
thing that ever will
happen to me.

I've got to talk to her.

I'm going to beg her
into taking me back.
Whatever it takes.

Just don't let her talk you
into getting married,
all right?

Oh, no. I'm not going to let
her talk me into
getting married.

-All right? Good.
-I'm going to talk her
into marrying me.

Don't be stupid.
You're falling for it, man.

I fell a long time ago.

I was just too
stupid to realize it.

-I'm out of here.
-Oh, now, just...

Hear me out first, all right?

Congratulations man.

The two of you
make a wonderful couple.

I thought you were against it.

No, no, no. I'm your friend.
Whatever you want, I want.

Thanks, man.

You'll make a great daddy.
Now go.

What do you want, asshole?

Where's Jenny?

Well, that's none of
your business, prick.

Look, I got to talk to her.

Well, she's not talking
to you, dickwad.

Fine. Then I'll wait here
until she gets back.

Fine.
She'll be back in a week.

Lock up at the end of the
night scumbag.

What is your problem?

I checked home, she's not
home. I check here,
she's not here.

I screwed up.
I want to fix things.

I suppose you want to marry
her now, huh?

You freakazoid!

Yes. I want you to be the
fucking maid of honor because
of your warmth and charm.

You really want to marry her?

Go away.

Really, really?

Leave me alone.

Oh, God. Oh, God, this is one
of those crisis moments.

What would Jenny
want me to do?

Okay, I'm going to tell
you where she is.

But if you go there and she
gets upset you have to tell
her you just guessed, okay?

But if you're there and she's
happy to see you, you
can tell her it was me.

Hey, I'll even tell her I like
you if you tell me
where she is.

Okay. Well,
she really hated your guts
because you were a prick...

NARRATOR: Like so many others
before her, this female joins
the mating dance

and helps the male arrive
at its completion.

Oh, my God.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Move it! Come on!
Let's go, lady, let's go. God.

What?

(HORN HONKING)

Hello. Hello.

I need to see
Jenny Smith right away.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't
go in there...

No, it doesn't matter. I...

NARRATOR: The large female
tells the Male he is too late.

The past has been erased.
The mating dance
did not take place.

There are no human sounds
to express the sadness

felt by the entire species
on the verge of extinction.

(HOWLING)

-Thank you.
-Jenny.

What are you doing here?

Never mind that.

Look, I'm sorry I forced
you here.

I'm sorry I wasn't with you.
I'm sorry about
everything that I said.

But I want you in my life,

with or without a child.
I want you in my life for
the rest of my life,

I...

I...you know. I need you,

I love you.

I love you. I love you
more than anything.

We'll make another
kid if you want.

Not that that will make up
for it, and if you don't want
to, then you don't have to.

I mean, it's up to you.
Whatever you want.

And we can start
planning that big wedding
you always wanted.

Just say that you'll marry me.

I couldn't go through with it.

But the nurse said that
you were already...

At the last minute I figured
that you'd been great
for this whole year.

You only messed up once.

I do want another one of
you in this world.

Especially if it's got
a little bit of me
mixed in it.

Still want to get married?

Okay. You?

Okay.

(BELL TOLLING)

NARRATOR: As a final symbol,

the Male and Female
cement the completion
of the mating ritual.

Gathering together
the entire pack,

the male and female
must first bore

then feed all who participated
in the great dance.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

NARRATOR: A human male speaks
of the couple's undying
for one another.

No one knows this person,
but they pay him
well for his thoughts.

The pack rejoices at
the male and female's
good fortune,

and at their own good fortune,

for the species has
been propagated.

Humanity will live on.

(CRYING)

NARRATOR: And as a testimony
of their affection for
one another,

the Male and Female make
promises they don't know
if they can keep.

-I do.
-I do.

NARRATOR: They make speeches
that sound like sweet roses
in bloom,

before they die and get all
crinkly and yucky.

I don't know why
you've chosen me.

I only know that I will spend
the remainder of my days

trying to prove my worthiness.

Even though no one
could ever be
truly worthy of you.

I will love you, cherish you,
and nurture you.

For without you,
my life is empty
and my soul is barren.

I will stay with you and keep
you with me for all eternity.

Forever and ever and...

Uh oh.

Get away from me,
you bastard!

I'll pull out, my ass!
Fuck you!

Fucking prick!

NARRATOR: And at long last,

the female experiences
the joy and pleasure of birth.

Oh, God!

It is a euphoric
experience for her.

Having had to suffer the
pain of orgasm,

she is now entitled to reap
nature's reward.

Fucking piece of shit.

NARRATOR: It is a state of
ecstasy the male will
never enjoy.

Breathe, honey, just breathe.

The female attempts to
describe her euphoria
to her true love.

No. You breathe, motherfucker!

Honey, breathe! Just keep
breathing. All you got
to do is breathe.

Fuck you.

(WAILING)

NARRATOR: The mating habits of
the earthbound human.

From meeting in a bar to
conceiving on a floor,

to proposing in
an abortion clinic,

so it goes with all
earthbound humans.

With a mating ritual so
complex and intricate

that their mere survival
defies all logic.

One can only feel for
them a sense of
respect and admiration.

So let's not blow up
their planet after all.

They don't like the looks of
the child so they beat it.

(BABY CRYING)

NARRATOR: Thank you.

Please turn off your universal
translator and mate
according to your own custom.