Original subtitles

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- Ian, please! Could you just calm down?

- He did not know I took the car.

He will be absolutely fucking furious.

- Your dad doesn't have to find out.

We can come back and get it tomorrow

when we have the keys!

- Fuck!

Don't even think for half a second

you're going to break open that car, mate.

So get out of my face.

What are you fucking looking at?

Stop looking at my girlfriend, midget!

- Ian, please!

- You want to fucky-fucky her?

No way in hell, 'cause let me tell you,

there's only one guy who fucks her,

and I fuck her real good,

so go home and fuck mom now, you demented dwarf!

No, please!

Please, no!

No, please!

Please, plea...

Don't!

Ian!

- Hey, I hope you're not time-wasting, you.

I've got a dozen people waiting to look at this place,

most of them paying cash as well.

You got cash?

Right, the light switch is somewhere here I think.

- Hey, come on, let's get this fucking lease signed, hey?

- Hi, this is Marc from USA Actors Management

regarding your audition request for our clients

Miss Williams and Mr. Kitamura

from Human Centipede.

Neither is available for the auditions in London right now

because they're shooting a movie,

but thank you for the interest.

Maybe We can do something in the future.

Good-bye.

- Stop them tears.

You're just making Daddy's Willy harder.

Oh, my God.

Have you shit yourself again?

You swine.

I've called Dr. Sebring, and he's waiting.

Get up!

Hello, Martin.

Mmm.

Martin...

come and join us.

Well..

Martin, I have your Ventolin.

Martin, I'm here today

because your mother is very worried about you.

- He keeps on talking about a centipede

with 12 people.

What does that mean?

- Now, let's see.

A centipede can be considered a phallic symbol.

Centipedes are very aggressive creatures.

Their bite can be very painful.

Maybe he is connecting the pain that a centipede inflicts

with the pain inflicted on him

through years of psychological and sexual abuse by his father.

- I miss my husband.

And it's your fault that he's in prison!

- Sometimes people that are mentally challenged

and have a history of sexual abuse...

mutilate their own sexual organs.

I'm sorry. I going to have to go.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm sure it's just a passing phase.

Hmm?

Martin.

Ah. You're a good boy.

Mrs. Lomax.

- I've decided to kill us both.

♫

This music is driving me crazy!

I can't stand this any more!

He can't stand it any more!

Come on, tell him.

Be a man like your father.

- Stop fucking bothering me, you retard.

I play my fucking music as loud as I fucking want, okay?

- Kill us both. I'm begging you.

- Shut your fucking mouth, you old cunt.

What the fuck?

- I will play my music so fucking loud,

it's going to make your fucking ears bleed

you cock-sucking dwarf.

Next time, you batter that fucking ceiling,

I'm gonna come down and break your fucking neck,

Fuck!

Fucking little cocksucker.

Don't fucking bang that fucking ceiling

any-fucking-more, okay?

You cock-sucking retard!

- The lips from B and C

and the anus of A and B are out circular

along the border between skin and mucosa,

the mucus cutaneous zone...

the circular mucosa and skin parts

of anus and mouth from A to B and B to C.

Connecting the pedicellated grafts

to the chin-cheek incisions from A to B, connected...

Ingestion by A

passing through B

to the excretion of C.

A human centipede...

first sequence.

♫

- Will you give me a high five when we get there?

- Hey.

- Shh, shh.

My lead.

My lead.

Hey, man.

- Hey, man.

- Ja, komm.

Yeah! Yeah, come up here.

Come up, oh, yeah!

Yeah. Yeah!

Very good!

Yeah!

I did ff!'

- Whoo-hoo!

- Why do these stupid things never work?

- Oh, Valerie!

It's that guy from the club!

- Shh! There's...

Babe, there's a midget wanking in there.

- You are drunk, love.

- No, seriously!

- Hi, this is Arianne

from Creative Acting Talent Management.

You called us with an audition request

for our client actress Miss Yennie

from The Human Centipede.

I just spoke to Miss Yennie,

and she is very, very excited and available

to fly to London to audition for the new Tarantino film.

Could you please contact me ASAP on my cell phone,

713-499-0913.

Thanks. B ye-bye.

- You can't do this.

It's a film.

The Human Centipede is a fucking film.

He is going to stitch us up.

He is going to stitch us up ass to mouth.

Help!

Help!

- Stop them tears.

You're just making Daddy's Willy harder.

- What is this?

100% medically accurate?

Mouth to anus?

One digestive system?

Is this a perverted film you've been talking about?

- I want all this filth out of my house!

♫

- Fuck!

Doh! Fuckin' hell!

Ahhhhh!

Gahhh!

Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

♫

- Swallow it, bitch.

Swallow up.

- Feed her.

Feed her!

Ahhh!

- That was fucking sensational.

And you know what?

Yeah.

How you doing, doc?

Oh, I rather fuck that retarded boy,

but...this'll do.

- I know a place in Thailand

where they specialize in that sort of thing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, she's a good one.

- How much to fuck you up the arse, darling?

- For you, darling, 50.

- Jesus.

Who the fuck are you?

What the fuck have you done to yourself?

That's right. Have a good stare.

Have a good fucking stare, you little fucking pervert!

Fuck off now

before I get out of this car and smash your fucking face in!

Don't!

- No, please. Please!

- Martin?

Martin, it's me, Dr. Sebring.

So...

this is where you work.

This isn't right, Martin.

What you're doing,

it's wrong.

Martin, I can help you,

but you have to put the gun down.

Imagine what your father would say if...

Martin, Martin, no, Martin!

Please.

I'll do anything you want.

Please!

I won't tell- I won't tell no one nothing.

You fucking...

Someone help me!

- Hi, Martin, this is Arianne, Miss Yennie's manager.

I Wanted to confirm that Miss Yennie is not delayed

and will be landing this morning

on London's Heathrow Airport at 6:00 am. your time.

I understand your driver will be picking her up.

I hope she does a great audition.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye!

- God, I cannot believe I am here

auditioning for a Quentin Tarantino film.

My agents are so excited about this.

I should probably call them,

tell them I landed and, you know, I'm on my way.

- Have you seen The Human Centipede?

- I was really drawn to the film

because of the medical aspect of it.

If you were a surgeon,

you could actually perform that surgery.

It's just so scary.

It was so grueling being on all fours,

so I demanded in my contract that I had to have

an hour-long massage every night.

I mean, why would I not demand that in my contract?

Oh, and the rest of the cast,

we all took showers before we shot the centipede stuff,

because I mean, you're close to someone's butt,

and you don't want to smell anything and...

or, you know, whatever.

I'm kind of a germaphobe.

Um...

Oh, that must be Quentin's car.

Do you have an umbrella?

Because this rain will ruin my hair.

Okay.

Oh!

♫

♫

♫

- Please, please.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

I'll do everything.

- Hello, this Marc from USA Actors Management again.

Please disregard my earlier message.

Fortunately, Miss Williams and Mr. Kitamura

were able to reschedule,

and they're really, really excited to come to London

for Mr. Tarantino's auditions.

I hope it's still possible.

I'm totally confident

that they're gonna do very Well on this,

so please call me back as soon as possible

at this number to confirm.

Thanks very, very much.

Talk to you soon. Good-bye.

- Ah!

♫