Original subtitles

OH, LEAVE IT.

WHAT WAS IT?

A SPECIAL ON THE AZTEC RUINS.

UNLESS IT'S BOOBS OR FOOTBALL,

I AIN'T SLOWING DOWN.

IT'S ACTUALLY VERY FASCINATING.

GIVE IT UP, SPENCE.

WE'RE NOT SPENDING OUR VACATION

ON AN ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG.

WE HAVE TO DECIDE SOMEPLACE TO GO.

HOW ABOUT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN?

LOOK, I HAVE AN AIRLINE COMPANION TICKET.

IT EXPIRES IF I DON'T USE IT IN TWO WEEKS.

WE SHOULD BE USING IT TO GO TO VEGAS.

SO I CAN WATCH YOU LOSE OUR REDECORATING MONEY?

NO, THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

IT'S GETTING LATE AND THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION

IS MAKING ME FEEL... BAD INSIDE.

SO, UH, COME ON.

YOU'RE KICKING US OUT?

NOT PHYSICALLY. THAT WOULD BE A HATE CRIME.

COME ON.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SLEEP.

OH, YEAH. I'M JUST READING.

BIOGRAPHY OF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.

WOW. YOU GOT TO FLOAT THAT BY ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SAYING MY PRAYERS.

DOUG, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ASKED YOU

NOT TO EAT IN BED?

I'M SORRY, AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU,

I TRIED TO HIDE IT.

I'M SERIOUS.

LOOK, YOU GOT POPPY SEEDS ALL OVER THE BED.

FIRST OF ALL,

THERE ARE NO POPPY SEEDS ON A DOUG HEFFERNAN SANDWICH, AND...

THOSE ARE MOVING.

OK...

WELL, I CHECKED THE BEDROOM.

GREAT NEWS.

GREAT NEWS IF YOU LOVE BEDBUGS.

'CAUSE YOU GOT A CRAPLOAD FULL OF THEM.

BEDBUGS? REALLY? IS THAT A REAL THING?

THERE'S A LOT OF MYTHS ABOUT BEDBUGS,

BUT ONE THING'S FOR CERTAIN-

THEY'RE AS DISEASE-RIDDEN AS A ONE-EYED WHORE.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT IN BED.

THAT'S ANOTHER MYTH ABOUT BEDBUGS.

THEY'RE NOT FOOD SCAVENGERS. THEY FEED OFF HUMAN BLOOD.

TAKE A LOOK AT HOW ENGORGED THAT BAD BOY IS.

OH, MY GOD.

LOOKS LIKE THE GUY THAT BIT ME LAST NIGHT.

OOH, WHERE'D HE GET YOU?

RIGHT IN THE LEG.

LET'S HAVE A LITTLE LOOK-SEE.

I'M ACTUALLY... I'M GOOD.

SCOOCH UP THOSE PANTS.

COME ON, CHOP, CHOP. THERE WE GO.

OK...

SO, HOW'S IT LOOKING DOWN THERE?

I DO NOT LIKE THE LOOK OF THAT MOLE.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOW ABOUT THE BUG BITE? WHAT ABOUT THE BITE?

WELL, IT'S ODD. IT'S ONE OF THE LARGER STRAINS,

USUALLY FOUND IN MORE HUMID CLIMATES.

HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DOWN TO THE CARIBBEAN

OR FLORIDA RECENTLY?

NO.

YOUR DAD WAS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE STAYED AT THAT MOTEL IN BOYNTON BEACH.

THINK HE GOT IT FROM THERE?

DID HE BRING ANYTHING BACK FROM THE MOTEL,

LIKE A TOWEL OR A WASHCLOTH?

NO, BUT HE DID BRING BACK A SET OF SHEETS!

YEP. AND A LAMP.

BINGO. WHERE IS HE NOW?

I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIS BODY A ONCE-OVER.

I'M GUESSING YOU WOULDN'T.

ACTUALLY, HE'S ON ANOTHER VACATION.

SO, HOW CAN WE TAKE CARE OF THIS?

WELL, YOU CALL YOUR FRIENDLY, QUALIFIED EXTERMINATOR

TO KICK SOME BEDBUG ARSE.

WHAT'S THAT GOING TO COST US?

LET'S SEE. TWO FLOORS, THE BASEMENT.

CARRY THE 2. BOOM-BOOM-DIDDY-BOP...

UH, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ABOUT 11 HUNDRED.

NO, I'M LOOKING IN THE YELLOW PAGES

UNDER "CHEAPER BUG GUY."

DOUG.

DOUG, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET RID OF THESE BUGS?

WOULD YOU LET ME HANDLE IT? I'LL HANDLE IT, OK?

YEAH. WE'RE GOOD. THANKS.

OK, WELL, GOOD LUCK, FOLKS.

SLEEP TIGHT AND...

I THINK YOU KNOW THE REST.

IF WE SHARE A HOTEL ROOM,

IT'S NOT GOING TO COST YOU A CENT.

LOOK, WE SPEND A COUPLE HOURS

ON THE DIG IN THE MORNING,

THEN AFTER THAT, IT'S A TOTAL PARTY SCENE.

WE CAN GET TOTALLY WASTED.

MOM, JUST THINK ABOUT IT, OK?

NOW CAN WE GO TO VEGAS? NO.

I WANT TO GO TO THE AZTEC RUINS.

WE GOT TO DECIDE THIS SOMEHOW.

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

NO, YOU ALWAYS THROW LATE.

THAT'S HOW WE ENDED UP WITH THOSE MAMA'S FAMILY DVDs.

HOW ABOUT WE PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT?

NO WAY. YOU KNOW TOO MANY... THINGS.

THAT'S LIKE ME SAYING, LET'S WRESTLE FOR IT.

OK.

WHAT?

LET'S WRESTLE FOR IT.

FINE.

GOOD.

I'LL GIVE YOU A COUPLE DAYS TO TRAIN.

OK, BABY, LET'S GO.

I GOT TO WAIT FOR MY HOT POCKET.

WHAT? HONEY, I JUST SET OFF THE BUG BOMB.

I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO IT.

HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?

I GOT TWO MORE MINUTES.

IN 30 SECONDS, THERE WILL BE PESTICIDE EVERYWHERE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE A HOT POCKET NOW?

I HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?

NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO REMIND ME.

JUST HURRY UP, ALL RIGHT, BABE?

COME ON!

SO, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE

WITH THE REPUBLIC MOTEL

TO COMPLAIN THAT THEY GAVE MY DAD BEDBUGS.

TO APOLOGIZE,

THEY'RE SENDING OVER VOUCHERS FOR ONE WEEK'S FREE STAY.

IDIOTS...

THAT'S LIKE WHEN I FOUND THE NASAL STRIP

IN MY CHILI AT THE DINER.

THEY GAVE ME TWO FREE BOWLS OF CHILI.

ONLY DIFFERENCE IS WE'RE NOT GOING TO THAT INFESTED MOTEL

AND YOU ATE ALL THAT CHILI.

AND MOST OF THE NASAL STRIP.

AGAIN, I THOUGHT IT WAS BACON.

GOOD NIGHT, BABY.

WHOA. AREN'T YOU, UH...

FORGETTING SOMETHING?

WHAT?

HOW ABOUT A THANK YOU

FOR SAVING US 11 HUNDRED BUCKS

WITH MY BRILLIANT BUG BOMB IDEA?

OH, YEAH. THANK YOU, BABY.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR ROCKING MY WORLD.

DOUG, I SAID NOT TONIGHT.

WHAT?

STOP TICKLING MY LEG.

I'M NOWHERE NEAR YOU.

AAAHHH... YUCK!

THEY'RE BACK!

YOU AND YOUR BRILLIANT BUG BOMB IDEA!

YOU HAD TO CHEAP-OUT, RIGHT?

IT WAS YOUR STINKING DAD WHO BROUGHT THEM HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LIKE YOUR PARENTS ARE SO CLEAN?

THEY ARE. YOU CAN EAT OFF MY PARENTS.

OH, MY GOD. ARE THEY IN MY HAIR?

BY THE WAY, YOU'VE MADE YOUR SHARE OF STUPID DECISIONS.

I CAN THINK OF ONE RIGHT NOW.

OHH...

SO, YOU WANT TO BE ALONE? WELL, YOU GOT IT, SISTER,

BECAUSE I AIN'T SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

DEACON'S. YEAH, SO SLEEP TIGHT.

AND YOU KNOW THE REST!

HEY, MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON?

CARRIE AND I ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS WHOLE THING,

SO CAN I CRASH ON YOUR COUCH?

YEAH. WELL...

TELL HIM NO.

HERE'S THE THING.

CARRIE CALLED AND TOLD US ABOUT...

YOUR PROBLEM.

DAMN IT!

LISTEN, MAN, I'M CLEAN! YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME! I'M CLEAN!

HOLD ON.

LET'S LET HIM STAY.

I DON'T WANT HIM NEAR THE KIDS.

HE CAN TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF IN THE HALLWAY.

YOU REALLY WANT HIM DOING THAT?

I CAN'T THROW HIM OUT IN THE STREET.

LOOK, HE SAYS HE'S CLEAN.

LOOK.

MORNING.

MORNING. MORNING.

OH, LISA, THOSE ARE NICE EARRINGS. ARE THEY NEW?

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

DID DOUG CALL YOU?

NO.

HE SENT A MASS E-MAIL.

NO, FREDERICK. WE'LL WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE.

WHAT'S WRONG, GRANDMA?

COME, FREDERICK. NOW.

KEEP WALKING, GRANDMAMA.

THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT BEDBUGS.

WHO WANTS SOME, HUH? WHAT'S UP?

HEY. HEY.

ALL RIGHT, HE'S HERE. NOW WE CAN GET STARTED.

GET STARTED WITH WHAT?

I TOLD YOU GUYS I'M NOT GIVING YOU A TANDEM MASSAGE.

NO, NO, NO- WE STILL CAN'T DECIDE

WHERE TO GO ON VACATION,

SO WE'RE WRESTLING FOR IT.

WE NEED YOU TO REF.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WRESTLING.

CALL "MATCH" WHEN YOU SEE

ONE OF US PIN THE OTHER.

AND MAKE SURE THERE'S NO ILLEGAL STUFF

LIKE LOW-BLOWS OR EYE-GOUGING,

ALL RIGHT?

CAN I GOUGE MY OWN EYES OUT?

ALL-RIGHTY, LET'S DO THIS!

YOU ARE IN FOR A GRECO-ROMAN POUNDING, MY FRIEND.

YOU GUYS GOT ANYTHING TO EAT?

YEAH, LEFTOVER CHINESE.

SECOND SHELF, TOWARDS THE BACK.

SODA'S IN THE DOOR.

MMM.

YOU KNOW, THIS MU SHU'S REALLY GOOD.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT FROM?

SZECHUAN VILLAGE.

MMM.

I GOT TO REMEMBER THAT.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS AT, WRESTLING-WISE?

I'M ABOUT TO MAKE MY MOVE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. THAT'S IF YOUR MOVE IS TO SUBMIT TO ME.

THAT'S IT. PIN!

IT'S MY KIDS' BEDTIME.

I'LL CHECK ON YOU GUYS TOMORROW.

COME ON, MAN. YOU CAN'T GO.

WE NEED A REF.

OTHERWISE, THIS DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I BUG-BOMBED THE WHOLE HOUSE.

BUG-BOMBED?

THAT'S LIKE THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO.

ALL THAT STUFF DOES IS MAKE THEM HORNY.

I SHOULD HAVE USED SOME OF THAT ON HER, HUH?

YOU CAN STILL GET RID OF THEM, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. DON'T WORRY.

I'VE GOT A VERY SPECIAL PESTICIDE

FOR INFESTATIONS LIKE THIS.

I CAN'T TELL YOU ITS NAME,

BUT YOU CAN ONLY GET IT IN KOREA.

SO, IT'S 11 HUNDRED, RIGHT?

OH, GOD, NO.

THAT WAS BEFORE YOU ORGANIZED THIS LITTLE LOVE-IN HERE.

NO, UH... IT'S GOING TO BE AT LEAST 25 HUNDRED.

25 HUNDRED?

I WANT YOU TO KILL THEM,

NOT SEND THEM TO PRIVATE SCHOOL.

OK, STOP.

WE WILL PAY IT, ALL RIGHT?

JUST GET RID OF THEM.

HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE?

WELL, IF I GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY

AND WORK ALL NIGHT-

UH...

I COULD PROBABLY HAVE YOU BUG FREE BY THE MORNING.

SO, WE GOT TO SLEEP DOWNSTAIRS, HUH?

NOT UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROTECTIVE BUBBLE.

AND IF YOU'RE BLINKING AT 25 HUNDRED,

I'M GUESSING YOU DON'T.

I'LL LET YOU TWO PACK.

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GO?

I GUESS WE COULD STAY AT A HOTEL.

WHAT'S $200 MORE ON YOUR BILL.

I DON'T HAVE TO STAY IN A HOTEL.

I DON'T HAVE TO STAY IN A HOTEL, EITHER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

WELL, MY DAD ALWAYS SAID,

IF I MARRIED YOU I'D WIND UP SLEEPING IN A CAR,

AND...

SO, YOU, UH...

YOU WANT TO, UH...

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN THIS JEEP'S A- ROCKIN',

DO NOT COME KNOCKIN'.

ALL RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, HON.

THERE'S A MAN STARING AT US.

OOH. GOOD CALL ON THE NOT GETTING NAKED.

HEY.

WOW. LOOKS PRETTY ROOMY.

DO I KNOW YOU?

OH, SORRY. I'M PHIL HAUSER.

I LIVE DOWN THE STREET.

ALL RIGHT.

MY DAUGHTER EMILY SOLD YOU

ALL THOSE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES LAST YEAR.

YOU BOUGHT SO MANY THIN MINTS,

TO WHOLE TROOP WAS ABLE TO GO TO BUSCH GARDENS.

THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW-

I NEVER GOT MY COCONUT CLUSTERS.

WELL, THAT'S NOT OK.

GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

YOU HAVE A PEN?

UM... NO, SORRY.

I'VE GOT ONE IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

STOP... STOP!

WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE ARE IN OUR BEDROOM RIGHT NOW, OK?

DO WE COME TO YOUR BEDROOM TALKING COOKIES?

NO, WE DON'T.

FINISH UP YOUR BUSINESS, SNOWFLAKE.

WE'RE GOING.

GREAT.

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE CHANCES

OF ME SEEING THOSE COCONUT CLUSTERS?

GOOSE EGG.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY BACK IS KILLING ME,

PEOPLE ARE STARING AT US,

WE'LL NEVER GET TO SLEEP HERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

LET'S JUST GO SOMEPLACE TO KILL SOME TIME UNTIL MORNING.

FINE... OH, BOY.

WHAT?

DON'T PANIC,

BUT I THINK PETE'S SPRAYING THE LIVING ROOM IN YOUR BRA.

LOOK AT THIS.

DRINKING, STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT-

REALLY TAKES ME BACK TO MY JUNIOR COLLEGE DAYS.

OH, YEAH? ALL 12 OF THEM?

12 MORE THAN YOU.

JUST SHUT UP. GET ME SOME MORE PEANUTS, PLEASE.

CAN WE GET SOME MORE PEANUTS?

HELLO!

CAN'T YOU SEE THE MAN IS BUSY DOING SCRATCH-OFFS?

HERE, TAKE MINE. THANK YOU.

I'M MIKE, AND THAT'S MY WIFE NANCY.

OH, HEY. DOUG AND CARRIE.

YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU'VE HAD A WILD NIGHT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US AN HOUR AGO.

WE REALLY RAISED THE ROOF AT RITE-AID, RIGHT, BABE?

I HOPE THAT BLOOD PRESSURE MACHINE WASN'T ACCURATE,

BECAUSE IF IT WAS I GOT TO MAKE A CALL.

ANYWAY, WE'RE JUST KILLING SOME TIME.

WE'RE GETTING SOME WORK DONE ON OUR HOUSE.

OH, I HEAR THAT.

WE JUST PUT A HOT TUB IN OUR BACKYARD.

TOOK FOREVER.

BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

OH, YEAH.

LAST CALL! CLOSING TIME!

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU GUYS.

LISTEN, NO REASON THE NIGHT HAS TO END HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS COME

AND HANG OUT AT OUR PLACE?

I'LL OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE, GET THE HOT TUB GOING-

I'M JUST SAYING-

I THINK THE FOUR OF US

COULD HAVE A PRETTY GOOD TIME.

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF OUR TAB.

WELL, LET'S GO, BABY. COME ON.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT? DOUG, THEY HAVE A HOUSE.

AND WHERE I COME FROM, THAT'S BETTER THAN A JEEP.

CARRIE, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WANT TO SWING WITH US.

SO WHAT? WE GET IN THE HOT TUB,

AND THEN WE GO-UGH-

WE'RE TOO TIRED TO SWING TONIGHT,

AND THEN WE'RE IN THEIR GUEST BEDROOM, NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY SHE WAS EYE-BALLING ME?

SHE WANTS THIS!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM WILLING TO ROLL THE DICE ON THAT ONE.

OK, LET'S GO.

COME ON.

GREAT. WITH ALL YOUR WHINING,

THEY CLOSED THE DEAL WITH ANOTHER COUPLE NOW!

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY? YOU'RE RIGHT.

I NEED TO SLEEP.

I'M JUST SICK OF YOU RIGHT NOW.

I'M SO SICK OF YOU, TOO.

WHY DON'T I CALL PETE,

THE BUG GUY, AND SEE IF HE'S DONE.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HEY, PETE, HI, IT'S CARRIE.

ARE YOU DONE YET?

WHAT?

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO FIND THE QUEEN?

OH, MY-OK-GOOD-BYE.

HE SAID IT'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER 3 DAYS.

3 DAYS!

NOW WE GOT TO PAY MORE MONEY FOR A HOTEL!

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE HAVE THOSE FREE VOUCHERS

FOR THE MOTEL MY DAD STAYED AT.

IF YOU WANT TO DRIVE TO FLORIDA.

I DON'T...

BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO WILL.

HOW GREAT DID THIS WORK OUT?

YOU GOT TO GAMBLE,

I GOT TO EXCAVATE A NATIVE AMERICAN CAMPGROUND.

EVERYBODY WINS.

YEAH, WE REALLY HAVE DOUG AND CARRIE TO THANK FOR THIS ONE.

WE SURE DO.

THIS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE.

YEAH.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY DO WITH THOSE MATS?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT DON'T WALK ON THEM BAREFOOT.