Original subtitles

ahh, sunday.

you know what i like to call it?

fun day.

that's a good one.

ok, i got a couple problems here,

but let's start with this one-

why do your socks have big 4s on the bottom?

it's my new system.

i label them so i don't mix them up

with my other sets of socks.

bam!

but arthur, all your socks are white.

you just grab any two of them.

obviously you've never heard of "toe memory."

as a sock evolves, it either becomes a left sock

or a right sock.

if you put one on the wrong foot,

you're asking for a day of discomfort,

and shame.

but how do the 4s tell you which one's a right

and which one's a left?

look, douglas, my system has its flaws,

but i've come at this from every angle,

and believe me, there is no better way.

mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

unless you just label every sock

with either an "l" or an "r."

well, there goes my fun day!

by the way, it's saturday.

today i was watching the discovery channel,

and they said because of that evolution crap,

that eventually people are gonna stop having pinkie toes.

oh, man. that blows. i know.

yeah, but that won't happen for like thousands of years.

still, that doesn't worry you?

no. i have pinkie toes.

great, why don't you tell that to your grandchildren

when they're tipping over?

hey. sorry i'm late.

hey.

what?

you, uh, you do realize you got a baby strapped to your chest?

yeah.

um, ah, dip, good.

ok, guy, what's the deal here?

it's tanya's kid.

that waitress you used to go out with?

you had a kid with her?

no, remember, she cheated on me?

do you guys listen to anything i say?

so-so what are you doing with her baby?

ah, she's got some training seminar out of town for the weekend,

so she asked me to watch the kid.

so she's got you babysitting the kid

she had with the guy she cheated on you with?

yeah.

well, you know, it's a ploy to get back with me.

i mean, that's why she borrowed my car and all that money.

obviously got a bad case of the dannys.

well, i gotta say that's a pretty cute kid,

you know, for a white one.

thanks, man. and i don't mean to brag,

but the guy that she cheated on me with,

he was an underwear model.

hey, let me check it out.

oh, maybe later.

you know, my little guy just said "dada"

for the first time?

he said it to the cable guy, but it was still a thrill.

ah, kids are great.

yeah, i'm so attached and it's not even my own kid.

i can't even imagine what that would feel like.

i gotta take a leak.

yeah, i'll take her.

ah, deac's got her.

yeah.

guy, i can hold the baby, ok?

i held his kid at his christening.

excuse me, you're the manager, right?

yes.

i'm arthur spooner.

i'd like to officially announce my candidacy

for "customer of the month."

oh, well, we'll certainly keep you in mind.

just to remind you,

i have been here every day this month.

my attendance is perfect.

yes, i know you come in here a lot.

not a lot. every day.

it's just that i've never actually seen you

buy anything.

what?

yeah, you bring a thermos of your own coffee

and use our cream and sugar.

i buy things all the time.

i purchased a rice krispie treat not 2 weeks ago.

yes, but you ate most of it

and returned the rest for a refund.

you said you found a fish hook in it.

i did.

um, it's not just about how much money people spend.

look at helen. she's 80 years old

and just walked 12 miles for muscular dystrophy.

oh, i see. so i can't be customer of the month

because i had a falling out with jerry lewis?

sir, you're missing-

for your information, i put a call into him,

the ball is in his court.

look, i gotta get back to work.

oh, by the way,

i think your razor's finished charging.

honey, what are you doing?

shh! don't be afraid.

just relax.

i gotta get up early for work tomorrow.

shh, come on.

let's make a baby.

what?

yeah. i want to make a baby. tonight.

were you at a strip club?

no, i just...

i've been thinking about, you know,

how much i love you

and how much a baby would make our lives complete.

really?

yeah. so scooch your bloomers down and count to 50.

come on.

are you serious? i've never seen you like this.

yeah. oh, and by the way, when we have our baby,

danny's not allowed to hold it.

ha ha, what are you talking about?

it's just that, you know,

he was babysitting his girlfriend's kid,

and he wouldn't let me hold it,

but the joke's on him because we're gonna make our own baby

and it's gonna blow his away, so come on.

all right, get off me.

what? what's the matter?

i can't believe you!

the reason why you want to have a baby

is so you can get even with danny?

and make our lives complete!

you are unbelievable, man!

this is why i don't want to have a baby,

because you are so irresponsible!

all right, i'm sorry, let's forget the whole danny thing.

seriously, the point is, i want to start a family.

well, good luck with that,

because this kitchen's closed.

wait a second now! come on, there's two of us here.

ok? you can't just make all of the decisions.

uh, think i can, think i did.

ok, you know what? i'm getting a little tired of you

acting like you're the boss around here.

"no, doug, you can't get that car.

no, doug, you can't do steroids."

ok, you know what? this conversation's over. i'm going to sleep.

ok, just so i'm clear on this,

you're deciding no baby, so, no baby.

yep.

oh, we'll see about that.

hey. hey.

i need to borrow your baby.

what? no.

just for a couple hours.

guy, it's a baby,

not a weed-whacker.

look, i got into this whole thing with carrie and...

look, i gotta show her who's boss of the house.

i- i can't. i-i promised tonya

that i wouldn't take my eye off the baby.

and when someone puts their faith in you like that,

you know, it means something.

although, i would love to see transporter two.

all right, there she is. you ready?

i was born ready.

oh, my god! he's choking!

uhh! uhh! uhh!

there was a fishhook in my scone.

that man saved my life.

oh, yeah. that man saved my life.

settle down, everyone.

just doing what any customer would do.

any customer?

he should be customer of the month!

we done?

shall we take my picture now?

i'm packed in a girdle so let's get this done.

do you really think i'm gonna make you

customer of the month

because of that ridiculous stunt you just pulled?

unless you want a riot on your hands?

listen, old man, and listen good.

as long as i'm manager,

you will never, ever be customer of the month.

have a nice day.

hmm...

i'm home!

hey. oh.

listen, honey, i'm sorry i came down on you last night.

it's just that sometimes

i gotta do what's best for us, you know?

i know. i know and thanks.

all right, then.

excuse me.

what the hell is going on here?

did you really think you could stop me from having a baby?

you're my baby. yes, you are.

all right, if i turn the tv on right now,

will your picture be on the news?

no.

no, it won't. no, it will not.

come here.

all right, would you stop doing that?

stop what?

all right, doug, i get it.

you're very clever. you borrowed somebody's baby.

did you actually think this was gonna make me want to have a baby?

i don't care. you do what you want.

ok, i've moved on.

all right, you know what? when you do stupid things

like this, it pushes me further away

from ever wanting to have a baby...

with you, that is.

ok, in case you haven't noticed,

don't need you to have a baby.

hey, uh, danny, it's, uh, me. could you come get the baby?

uh, yeah, it didn't really land, ok?

and, uh, i don't know what the hell to do with it.

ok. call me.

ahem. ahh.

'sup?

i'll just, uh-if you want to do that, that's right there.

ugh, are you still doing the baby thing?

uh, parenthood isn't a thing.

it's a way of life.

ok, you know what, doug,

it started out stupid but now you're just being irresponsible.

irresponsible-what?

yeah, that's right. you don't even know

what you're doing with this baby, so just give it back.

hey.

oh, man, you gotta see transporter two.

just when you think they've run out of ways of transporting things,

ha! well, i won't ruin it for you

but he gets there.

whoa, whoa, whoa.

look, i need more time here.

what?

you gotta help me out here.

carrie's copping a real attitude

and if i let her win on this baby thing-

how 'bout i go to a casino?

that was easy.

it's coming. it's coming.

ugh.

that's right, it's still here.

"it's." you don't know if it's a boy or a girl.

yeah, ok, i've been taking care of the baby all day

and i don't know if it's a boy or a girl.

whoa.

is my little girl ready for her bottle?

first, i test it on the wrist

to make sure it's the right temperature.

sh-ugh!

i'm guessing it's not?

a little heads up,

8 minutes in the micro, too long.

uh, your baby's crying.

you might want to whip up some flaming applesauce.

her papa will decide what she wants to eat, ok?

it's ok. it's ok.

it's ok. all right. ok.

all right. all right. all right. it's ok.

ok, she won't stop crying. i can't put her to sleep.

you gotta come pick her up now!

you gotta come get her now!

i- i'm on a roll here, all right?

just give me another hour.

2, tops.

i'll tell you what. i'll-i'll bring her to you!

i'll-i'll bring her to you.

i- i-just tell me where you're at.

hey, keep 'em coming, kitten, all right?

and i don't wanna see any ice.

hi, can i help you?

yeah, what do you got to make a baby sleep?

pills, drops- legal, illegal.

i got cash.

if it makes you feel any better,

you're not the first one to go through this.

yeah, it doesn't.

how about pills for me?

'cause i'm at the end of my rope.

single parent, huh?

pretty much, yeah.

well, our new moms group is starting soon.

maybe they can help.

uh, and by "help" do you mean

they have pills?

hi, welcome. come sit.

the floor's open. so, if you have

any questions or problems, we're here for you.

well, my baby hasn't been sleeping,

and i've been crying a lot.

did you try the dryer thing?

you put 'em in the dryer?

no, no. you put the baby in a car seat on top of the dryer.

puts them right out.

and let me ask you. what about food?

'cause my baby hasn't been eating her vegetables.

oh, well, you got to keep them away from fruit.

because once they taste the sweet stuff,

they are not going back.

ahh. there's just so much i don't know.

relax. everything you need to know

about taking care of that baby is right in here.

ladies, you don't want to put your babies to bed

on the same side every night.

that's how you get flathead mcgee, you know what i'm sayin'?

sarah and dylan do.

i'm kidding. i'm kidding.

i'll tell you my biggest complaint.

since i had the baby, i can't remember

the last time my husband and i had sex.

sex? that's what got us into this whole mess. am i right?

you know, i don't know what to do here.

jerry just won't latch on.

have you tried the football hold?

no, what's the football hold?

you know-hand him over to me.

ok.

you got to hold him like a football.

that's basically what you do.

you just hold him there,

and you let him land in boobyville.

let him find it.

there he goes. whoa. his bottom teeth are coming in.

wonderful, this internet.

yes.

otherwise i would never have

stumbled across your rap sheet.

what?!

i'm right. you are the gloria creswell

who was arrested in october '82

for petty theft in tonawanda, new york.

i was 19. i was alone and hungry.

save your sob story for the boys in corporate.

oh.

you wouldn't do that.

you wouldn't get me fired all just to be customer of the month.

uh, yeah, it works.

ah, hey.

hey, danny.

tanya, what's up?

wh-where's the baby?

huh?

oh, actually, she's not here.

but it's cool, you know, it's cool.

aaahhh!

ok, see now that- that's larry right there.

and that's curly.

and the one with the ice tongs, that's moe.

want to steer clear of him. ok?

hey.

whoa. here you go. got ya.

you know, uh, you're pretty good with that baby.

thanks.

she's kinda cute.

what's her name?

i have no idea.

i'm calling her mooky.

ah.

mooky sounds good.

she looks like a mooky.

yeah.

so, you...

think you'd like to have one of these one day?

i don't know. maybe.

you want to hold her?

um...

yeah. i'd like that.

come here, sweetheart.

hi.

hi, baby.

oh, yes. i know.

ok, i'm out. i'm out. please take her.

please. please.

ok. ok.

all right.

give me the baby.

what? right now?

yeah, yeah, yeah.

tanya's outside in the car with detective romero,

and i kinda need the baby right now.

all right, can you-can you give me a second?

hey.

it's been nice having you around, you know.

just want you to know that if you're-

you're ever back in the area,

just look me up, all right?

i'll see ya.

you ok, honey?

just getting a beer.

welcome to java house,

i'm arthur spooner, customer of the month.

welcome to java house.

i'm arthur spooner, customer of the month.

gloria, i'm going to need an application.