Original subtitles

oh. here's some seats right here, honey.

slow down. i see four down there.

you gonna sit in the front row?

sure. i like to stretch out my legs and unbutton a little.

you're sittin' with him?

he's got my goobers.

why didn't we send him in to chicken little

like i wanted? uh...

because cartoon chickens give my father nightmares.

where've you been?

oh, look. it's father melley.

oh, great. we haven't been to church

in a really long time, and now

he spots us at a farrelly brothers movie?

doug? carrie!

oh, hey! hey!

what a surprise! father melley!

is this seat open?

sure! yeah!

yeah. sure. absolutely.

excuse me. ok.

and that was irving berlin's white christmas,

the highest-grossing christmas song of all time.

hmm.

what?

you write one hokey holiday song,

and you're set for life.

actually, irving berlin wrote over 1,200 songs.

oh, why don't you just marry him?

what's your problem?

i got no problem.

i'm saying we should write our own song

and cash in on this christmas thing.

you're serious?

why not? i'll handle the lyrics,

and you seem like the type that can write music.

what's that supposed to mean?

i think you know what it means,

mr. i-just-haven't- found-the-right-girl.

what do you got goin' on this holiday season?

oh, well, i am up to my eyeballs in preparations.

there's a toy drive, bake sale, our outreach programs.

but the lord has blessed me with congregants

who are kind and generous enough to donate their time.

of course, with everything bein' so busy,

we could always use a little more help.

so if you guys...

oh, shhhhh.

so if you two'd be willing

to pitch in, that'd be great.

oh, hey, babe. hey.

where you goin'?

oh, father melley called.

i got manger duty.

what's that?

i gotta guard the nativity scene down at the church.

apparently last year the whole thing was vandalized,

and there was myrrh everywhere.

i think i'm gettin' sick. feel my head.

d - doug, come on. you are not sick, honey.

we got roped in. suck it up.

i have to make something for the bake sale.

you don't hear me complaining.

ok, you get to work indoors with cake batter,

so don't even. ok?

what rhymes with "poinsettia"?

ooh. that's... not an easy word to rhyme.

damn it, i just had it.

don't speak unless you're spoken to.

you did just speak to me. you asked me what rhy-

i lost it again! you are impossible!

stop yelling at me!

i can't create in a hostile environment!

well, i wouldn't be so hostile if you had one ounce of talent!

you kick me again, i'm leaving.

i'm sorry, son. it's just the choir down at the mall

is supposed to debut our song tomorrow,

and we haven't got diddly.

believe me, i want this as bad as you. ok?

i mean, i work in the subway

and share a tiny apartment with another man,

and... i really want calf implants.

i mean... this is my ticket.

your calves are spindly.

ok, you know what? let's...

back off "poinsettia," and-and let's focus

on a word that's easier to rhyme,

like, uh... "tree" or "holly."

what did you say?

um... "holly."

"holly." now...

what sounds christmassy

and rhymes with "holly"?

"jolly." you got it!

come here, you!

what's up?

yeah, laugh and walk, boys, laugh and walk.

steppin', huh?

hey, that goes for you guys, too. let's go.

keep it movin'. it's the same as last year.

keep it movin'. you saw it.

excuse me. do you have the time?

who wants to know?

oh. sorry. i'm- i'm larry kelly.

i'm around the corner guarding a christmas tree.

oh. hi.

hey. yeah. it's about, uh...

9:15. doug heffernan.

how's, uh... how's it goin' on your beat?

not bad. not bad. couple of curious dogs. yeah.

collies. yeah. they tried to give me some trouble.

i sent them packin'.

hi, sweetie. what are you doin' here?

hi. they're sayin' it might snow,

so i brought you some soup and your heavy jacket.

oh... thanks, honey. that's great. this is

doug heffernan, fellow parishioner.

doug, my wife cathy.

nice to meet you, doug. nice to meet you.

oh. if i'd known there were gonna be two of you,

i would've brought some extra minestrone and another jacket.

hmm.

that's all right. my wife's gonna be stoppin' by

any minute, i'm sure.

yeah, i'll just give her a call, see what she's doin'.

mmm.

hello.

hey. honey, it's me.

hey. how's it goin'?

oh. it's cold.

i tell you. i could really go for some soup.

oh, that's so funny. i just had some.

uh-huh.

you know, uh...

they're sayin' it's gonna snow tonight.

oh, really? well, try not to track any in the house. ok?

oh, i just messed my pinky.

i gotta go. i gotta go.

i love you, too, baby. yeah.

good golly!

not bad, huh?

are you deaf? that was a train wreck.

i thought it went ok.

it's hopelessly generic! it's pap!

yeah. we didn't blow too many people away, huh?

course not, because we're not saying anything

that hasn't been said a thousand times before

by burl ives, god rest his soul.

possibly. i have no idea if he's dead or alive.

that's great. i gotta go call dr. blaustein

and tell him to cancel my calf surgery.

wait, wait, wait. what did you just say?

um... calf surgery?

no, no, no. before that.

i have to call- in the middle.

dr. blaustein.

yes.

he a jewish fella?

yeah. why?

that's it. what the world needs

is a new hanukkah song.

aside from dreidel dreidel

and that adam sandler thing,

it's an untapped market.

oh, yeah. yeah, and, you know, i'm 1/8th jewish.

sweet. i'm gonna grab a bagel and a schmear.

settle up with the choir. go.

hey, babe. where you goin'?

hey. i'm headin' back to the manger.

oh. so you won't be home for dinner?

no. why? what are you makin'?

uh, a phone call to shanghal gardens.

hey, uh...

hope it doesn't snow tonight, but if it does,

you'll... you'll bring me my heavy coat, right?

why don't you just take it with you now, babe?

i just thought that, you know, like...

ok, yeah. that's fine.

so, how's the, uh, cake comin' along?

wha-what? you know,

the cake you told father melley

you're making for the bake sale.

oh. right. that.

uh... i actually haven't decided

what i'm gonna make yet,

but whatever i decide, it gon' be good.

seriously, you should probably settle on somethin'.

i will, honey. i have till saturday. ok?

i know. it's just that, you know, larry's wife cathy,

she's already begun the prep work on her cake.

oh. prep work.

oh, i better get out

my sugar and my butter.

i only have 3 days to make cake.

she doesn't actually sound like that, but whatever.

yeah, hello. order for delivery, please.

ok.

oy! what a schnorra!

thud.

i guess people love that dreidel song more than we thought.

this is humbling.

so, what now, boss?

i don't know. grease the choir

while i figure out our next move.

yeah!

hey.

all right!

it's 9:00.

the bake sale's tomorrow...

and i'm starin' at an empty cake plate.

i need some answers.

relax, honey.

i was gonna make one, but i had to work late and i'm exhausted,

so, thank ya... hungarian bakery.

you bought... a cake?

yeah. and once they scraped off "happy retirement, gus,"

it was good to go.

oh, the new people came. good.

nnggg...

carrie...

you can't bring a bought cake to a church bake sale.

it-it's wrong.

says who?

uh... the bible.

look, doug, just relax. ok?

i'm sure i'm not the only one

who's bringing a bought cake. ok?

well, i know larry's wife isn't.

she's makin' a volcano cake.

do you know what that is?

it erupts caramel lava

and then drowns a gingerbread village.

any chance you're gonna be in that village?

nice joke. that's real funny.

you know what's real funny, though? that fact

that i actually thought you were gonna make this cake.

what does that mean? it means you're not wife-ish!

i'm not whitefish?

wife... ish! wifely. wife-like.

you-you never bring me my slippers

or tell me i'm clever or knit me somethin'!

oh, well, i'm sorry i don't wait on you hand and foot, doug.

that's because i work for a living!

y - well, so does the woman in the commercial,

and she manages to get everything done with acid reflux!

so, why don't you marry her,

and i'll marry the guy in the pepsi commercial that i like.

oh, 'cause he'd never be with you, because you know what?

he'd have to get his own pepsi!

whatever. you know what?

you're acting like a lunatic.

this is the cake that i'm bring, so just deal with it.

you know what? you're absolutely right.

you know what? this is fine! stop! stop!

let me just cut it up for you! hyah! hyah!

stop it.

yeah. ok.

fantastic. i'll just buy another one.

you know, carrie... when i told people

you were bakin' a cake for the church...

i actually felt proud.

guess i was just bein' naive.

what are you doin'?

i'm baking your freakin' cake, so get out.

really? what... what kind?

well, it's gonna be this whole delicious fudge thing

that's gonna make cathy's volcano look like a pile of crap.

is it in the oven? can i see it?

actually, i haven't started yet.

looks like you started.

i can't do it! ok?

i tried! i mean, all these recipes

need things that i - that i don't know how to use,

like a food processor and big spoons!

and how do you fold an egg?

it's impossible! it's witchcraft!

ok. just relax. ok?

look, we'll find you somethin' here that we can make.

all right? um... hey. how 'bout this? how 'bout rum cake?

oh, i tried that. but then i got nervous, and i drank all the rum.

you're right, honey. i'm not wife-ish or whitefish,

whatever it is you called me.

all those things you said about me - it's true.

oh, just-hey, stop. stop, stop, stop, stop!

stop! ok?! look, you know what? i got an idea.

we'll-we'll just call my mom.

aw, come on! what are you doin' to me?

look...

she'll talk us through an easy recipe. ok?

oh, fine. i'm too drunk to fight.

hello?

hey, ma, it's me.

oh, my god. what's wrong?

nothing's wrong. look, i just need your help on something.

well, all right. what is it, darling?

well, uh, tomorrow is our church bake sale,

and carrie is gonna bake a cake.

oh.

anyway, um,

we were wonderin' if you had like, uh,

an easy recipe to, you know, give us.

let me think. a nice, easy cake recipe.

hey, how 'bout that, uh, chocolate crumbly thing?

no. she can't do that.

hey, well, at least i can match my pants and my shirt-

this may be our last chance.

well, just get the frickin' recipe!

all right. right. ma, you-you got anything?

how about a lemon bundt cake?

very easy. a monkey could make it.

a monkey could make it.

carrie. the cake. huh?

it's done. it's done. i'm up. i'm up. i'm up.

let's take a look at it.

ok.

i love you.

i love you.

maybe it'll look better if we put it

on the cake plate. yeah, let's do that. let's do that.

am i dreaming that we're giants?

nope.

are we giants?

i told you we needed more batter!

well, you shoulda put more baking powder in there!

you have no idea how much a pinch is!

i know what a pinch is!

ok? aah! aah!

oh, you wanna go?! no, come on!

stop! stop it! stop it! come on!

we've been up all night! i'm hung-over.

and nobody's gonna want to buy this stupid doll cake!

what are we gonna do?!

i don't know! this is my first bad experience with cake!

all right, you know what? i'm just gonna see what place is open.

we're gonna buy one. ok?

n- no! no! look, i got an idea. ok?

we'll bring the covered cake plate to the bake sale.

and i'll just say to everybody, "hey, everybody,

i'm gonna buy my wife's cake." and then we'll leave

with the same covered cake plate,

and nobody has to know that the cake...

never existed.

so you're ok with an invisible cake,

but you won't let me buy a real one.

you know what? you can judge me when you sober up.

now, grab the lid.

oh, the lid is made of glass!

everybody will know there's nothing in there!

come on. that's it. it's over. no!

wait. i j- i'll tell you what.

just grab me somethin' cake-shaped and a can of frosting.

ok.

we don't have any frosting.

in my nightstand! go! ok.

observed!

i thought that went over rather well.

are you kidding?!

the only song that bombed worse

was that's wednesday to me.

well, we gave it a whirl.

come on. let's sneak in to chicken little.

what? no. arthur.

i'm not gonna go see a movie with you. ok?

i- i've spent over $600 on this choir.

my calves are smaller than ever.

the only thing i feel like doing right now

is reaching down your throat, grabbing your heart,

and crushing it with my bare hands. do you understand me?

i understand you've written the first line

of a hit breakup song!

come here, you!

how's it goin'?

nice to see you.

oh. oh, hey.

season's greetings. season's greetings.

oh. thank you. hey.

my wife carrie. hi. larry.

hi. my wife cathy.

oh. hi. nice to meet you.

yeah. i've heard so much about you

and your famous erupting cakes.

actually, i'm a little nervous.

it's supposed to be bubbling by now.

and it's not? after all that prep work?

ok.

i'm just saying...

we'll catch you guys later. ok.

ok. bye-bye.

hey. there's father melley.

let's do this. ok.

then i went blond in the eighties. but who didn't?

anyway, try the punch. it's divine.

hello, you two.

carrie. thank you so much.

oh, no problem.

wow. look at all the great cakes here.

gosh, i wonder which one i'm gonna choose.

i don't know. well, i guess it's gonna be this one.

get the car. ok.

all right.

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

can't let you do that.

well, why not?

we don't do the traditional bake sale here.

we do something much more fun.

it's called a cake walk.

huh.

what's that?

well, uh, we put the cakes in a circle,

and the men walk around them.

and when the music stops,

if you're in front of a cake, you buy it.

if you're not, you keep goin'. it's a panic.

uh-huh.

so, do you want the lid on or off?

on. on. there's some stuff in there

that shouldn't be exposed to air.

all righty.

ok, everyone! let's gather around

for the main event!

great plan.

i didn't count on a cake walk.

sorry, man.

what happened?!

i've never seen caramel do that.

hey... this is a chocolate frosted couch pillow!

now! get the car!

dad? what's the matter?

i saw chicken little.

come on.