Original subtitles

[Music]

our mother was my friend

what do you want from me I want to help

you

[Music]

I'll bring you the alien the creature of

the being right on your table

you really are my father yes do you

think we'll ever find my mom

we'll find her

[Music]

is this the greatest or what well look

out for the peasant dad just kidding I

had a dream last night falling leaf

scratched the hood of the car and the

owner had us arrested

oh I'll be glad when we hand this over

to him not me

I mean traveling all the way from Texas

to here and I don't have one ache on my

body

we're traveling like kings and we're

being paid for it what is scam what's a

scam

it's like when you snuck her someone

else to get something okay what a

snooker and scam sound dishonest well

strictly speaking I guess they are

that's not like that at all I agreed to

guide the man's car to Beverly Hills for

$400 yeah I know dad well where's the

snooker scanner dad it's not it's not a

scam okay I was just exaggerating well

the next time you exaggerate wiggle your

eyebrows ball no

bass come in 17 subject vehicle

proceeding north Rodale

we copy as the driver made you know sir

we've had good cover all the way watch

it mister I'm walking here

hey hey hey cut that are you gonna

scratch that oh no I didn't see you hit

a pedestrian that's just great

stay with him this is your fault you

were prostitute to me I didn't hit

anybody I'm so sorry

oh don't touch him you don't touch a

move someone who's hurt you want to

paralyze it it was my fault it was his

fault I saw the whole thing like it was

deliberate what are we gonna do get to a

phone call an ambulance no no ambulance

no hospitals my brother died in a

hospital I don't want any trouble I'm

going to be all right sir how do you

know what interview about it could be

internal and excuse me but you don't

look like no millionaire have you any

idea what medical costs today look why

don't you stay out as I think there's

enough confusion already why don't we

fall off cop and let's give it this side

don't worry mister they'll not get away

with it

oh well you got your hand nothing yeah

well I felt something like like

something warm where did you say the

pain was Oh mostly in the back along the

side I didn't feel any pain of course

not you weren't the one run over

hopefully your sake your liability

insurance is paid up liability insurance

oh good here comes a cop he can kiss his

license goodbye the big shot a run a

computer thing on this and God knows

what kind of driving record he's got

look I don't want to get in trouble for

you if I were you I would take advantage

of that and settle before a lawyer gets

a hold of this case Oh from 500 buy

himself a wheelchair I'll have enough

fat don't forgot look I uh I I feel a

little better why don't we just forget

this whole thing

no no he's right you shouldn't see a

doctor I'll Drive you

well I do have a doctor and he's not far

from here of this man would just helps

him to the car get in the car

just help Harry could make it that's a

real car yes thanks for all your help

mister no thanks necessary

first-base 17 no harm no foul sir

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what's your doctor's address

oh it's a very mirror just my black

season

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what's going on there

tighten your seatbelts

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invade us

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[Applause]

great that you bring up the air force

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any quarter I'll give up any corner

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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Scot let's cover the car

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never going to be said that Artemus

Guinness let down people in a

rolls-royce who are in trouble it's only

being human I mean what are we creatures

from another planet

[Music]

I'll get it what's Fox in that car I

didn't see him what other explanation

could there be

what are we gonna do we have no choice

I've gotta trust him Oh it's festive

it's dead a minute ago the man was dying

when I touched him I knew he wasn't hurt

ah-ha there we go what's going on here

right this way gentlemen I yep know that

this isn't what you're used to but on

the positive side hi Eddie

the only thing they asked about here is

where's the money

yeah okay I already here we are

come right in gentlemen

make yourselves at home can I see you

for a minute

if you'll excuse us we'll go on into the

room Scout up the cane they know each

other more than No

there's the unmistakable aura of

partnership

you've got to be crazy to bring them you

don't know what happened if you know

what happened I'm happy I was bringing

them here what happened Shh are being

chased by the law all over LA it was a

wild ride knocking red lights sirens all

over the place

I'm magnificent country buddy you've

lost your minds

stop and think a minute a man on the lam

it's Lam ready for facing God in his

wisdom has handed hesitated to the stars

you will be our guests of course as the

saying goes i casa is your casa

meanwhile I missed the bank so if we

could prevail upon you for the loan of a

few dollars to tip the gardener I'll

have your luggage brought right up

that's okay we'll get our own stuff

besides we only have $18 tickets to the

stars

red lights inside red lights you know

what I think I think they're a couple of

con men

Kahneman guys we'll pull scams scams

great don't look so excited you know how

I like to learn new things you smart one

you how to pick on a rolls-royce I told

you abuse

something safe a nervous doctor a scared

housewife Dalton their trouble with you

is that you've got an imagination the

size of a mosquitos kidney that's why

we're living like this we followed every

scam that you dreamed up we'd be living

in San Quentin can't afford the

cardboard to put in my shoes oh you are

a payment I don't know why I put up with

you mr. granite Paul Forrester I drove

your car up from Galveston port well

something's come up and I I got a better

idea why don't you tell me where you are

and we'll come pick up the car hello

what tipped him off what's going on he

said we we will pick up the car so maybe

he was talking about his wife or

chauffeur I don't think so there was

something in his voice I don't get it I

mean the Fox usually comes right at us

out in the open it's not like him to

stay a low profile maybe we better do

the same until we find out what's going

on yeah

why don't you put that stuff away what

for you think they don't know what we

are maybe not Midler I'm telling you

we've got gold dumped in our laps

yeah eighteen dollars worth did you

believe him I don't believe that you

believe him oh boy are you down left

mm-hmm

don't call me stupid you know I can't

take compliments look what am I gonna do

with you I don't know but whatever you

do you have to admit I still have my

touch

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it's child's play simplicity itself

but the idea is to tell you where the

pee is exactly what's the point

it's just a game you know fun hand is

quicker than the eye

- we'll get you five and that's no lie

put your money up we're on the tape your

two dollars

why should I put two dollars on the

table right it's like a bed dad I

thought you said this was a game all

right forget the two dollars watch

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what where's the pee

that's right where you put it there

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nice girl midal hold it one more time

ready Norton pain is quicker than the

eye show this man that that's no lie

[Applause]

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I think you made a mistake I think

you're stalling just pick the shallots

under it's not under a shell it's in

your hand

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I guess some eyes are quicker than some

hands

well I'm I'm ready to put my two dollars

up now this is the last civilized place

where a man has any privacy all right

then why don't I have any you're right

we'll stay here tonight but tomorrow I

don't know we've got to figure some way

to deliver that car

we need that $400 now I know I was right

look at this what tools of the trade

peg Araya Lemoine attorney-at-law

surely Rosenblum CPA maybe they're

friends no dad these guys are definitely

con artists I mean look these cards I

mean the phony accident the shell game

so it's all classic how do you know

what's classic well I saw the sting I

mean tells it all right there explain to

me what they do

you know there's something weird about

that guy he's either this - calm man in

the world well he's a sucker the size

along with me both like you don't you

feel it I mean feels like I don't know

Mike like a kid the message I'm getting

is he's spooky plain old-fashioned

spooky spooky is trouble

you're listening I think we should team

up with him listening give me a towel

and come down doors will you stop and

think for a minute that Emerson stared

he has and with a kid a kid knocking I'm

waiting for the towel you were you look

down on us huh what we do you're morally

outraged no no my dad's not like that he

takes things as they come Audie Paul my

friend everyone is a con man one way or

the other

everybody has got a hassle and grieves

at the core of it every single time

you find someone that's greedy you'll

find somebody that's right as the saying

goes you cannot cheat an honest man why

not I don't know tell him why everybody

knows why it's a saying and I believe it

I've lived my life by it only cheating

greedy people exactly and teach them a

very valuable lesson for what's really a

contemptibly small fee considering the

result

are they grateful for this lesson well

hey truth is we don't wait around to

find out

I say a lot of Paul and Scott say what

Eric how you doing

oh yeah left him the icebox Harry we

missed you this morning oh I couldn't

help but I was working a Dodge over in

Glendale with Betty uh

I just stopped by to apologize

why are they staring at me I imagine

it's because the cops are after them not

a real cop it looks real that's that's

the idea what do you do I'm a

photographer

yeah great hustle well nice to meet you

see you later Harry needs more mayo yeah

yeah next time so you're a photographer

that's right

you really must be doing okay with that

car and all oh that's not mine I just

drove it up from Texas I'm supposed to

get $400 when I deliver it the law isn't

after Russ listen we can get your car

first thing in the morning deliberate

pick up the 400 cases clothes Artie

oh I wouldn't want to get either one of

you in trouble Artie you listening

where are the keys

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I still don't think that's a very good

idea I mean they're admitted con men

like they say you can't cheat an honest

man we're honest besides we need the

money

what's the worst thing that can happen

[Music]

I read me long in the truth I may have a

touch of arthritis but I still have what

I always had spots he conned ooh he

conned me look who's sitting behind the

wheel of this baby he's out of our

league you didn't buy that story about

him being a photographer did you it

doesn't matter

oh man never got the best of Artemus

Guinness you mean the man who last week

bought a machine that turns seawater to

92 octane lead-free gasoline you mean

that autumn is Guinness then why did you

buy it for the score I'll sell it to a

mark for 50 times what I paid for it

what do you suppose this is I don't

think you should be poking around in

there things I'm just looking getting

pretty good at this three-card Monte

great great now we'll never have to

worry about where our next meal is

coming from

are you wiggling your eyebrows Auden you

know it's time we face facts

the waste of our lives scheming and

dreaming we're never gonna score a big

butt nothing but two-bit drifters not

wake up smell the leather touch the wood

what do you call this somebody else's

car we're not stealing this car were

just borrowing it for a couple of days

party what's gotten into you think of

the scams that we can pull with this you

know the way people are I will I will I

will

all right I want to tell you something I

am tired of you and you're pulling me

down all the time

but if you don't want to go along with

the ride that is okay I mean that is

very okay with me just getting greedy

you know what happens to greedy people

get out of the car go on get out with

possession I'm getting my things

together I'm moving out

knock ari I'm gonna help with you

no fool I don't believe it

[Applause]

[Music]

all right keep your hands museum

all right Forester get out of the car

[Music]

I know there's ten million dollars with

the Treasury notes here somewhere

find them I'm Special Agent Howard the

United States Treasury Department we've

got you cold for us tonight yeah

I'm not Paul Forrester I know you're

just a courier in this little operation

Forrester but if you don't cooperate

my name is Artemis Guinness I'm a nobody

I just happened to run into Forrester

yesterday afternoon on the street

actually he ran into me my card sir

dr. Morton Walker shall drop Addis sorry

my driver's license

Shirley rosenbloom this is no joking

matter Forrester you're in very deep

trouble here the computer run popped up

a very interesting red flag on your name

and I have already notified the FSA what

red flag we found it all of it yes sir

good work thank you 18 dollars the man

only had 18 dollars let's take him back

to the office and run a check on better

off without him don't need him and I

don't need this craziness where do you

think he might be I don't know and I

don't care well we care we need the

money don't hold your breath

decided to borrow the car for a couple

of days work the millionaire scam SiC

him in his dreams are the big stink good

riddance I should have walked away years

ago you don't mean that

watch me your good friends need each

other well if you think that it just

proves what good con honestly what I

think is you're conning yourself well

thank you Joyce brothers I think I

recognize closeness in people you'll

miss your friend well maybe I will

that's the way life is isn't it what the

federal agents here were kind enough to

me to let me make this call to you as my

attorney what federal agents re if this

is another one of your idiot scams the

Treasury agents they've taken the

handcuffs off Artie if this is a gag

they don't believe that I'm not Paul

Forrester you understand

there was ten million dollars what uh he

he wants to know where am i okay I've

got it

yeah thank you will you tell my client I

don't have him out on the road as soon

as I can locate a judge thank you

what was this about a federal agent who

the hell are you and don't give me any

bull about four hundred dollars to

deliver a car he's in trouble isn't he

don't act so innocent he was arrested by

Treasury agents and they found the money

you hid in the car

what money ten million dollars a lousy

ten million you let that man stick his

head in handcuffs when you said he was

arrested by Treasury agents not yet they

say that man wasn't just my partner it

was my best friend you only find they

have in this world there's never been an

argument or a harsh word between us

idiot

put those legal forms don't tell me that

we're out of habeas corpus writs how are

the burgers little ball is your gone for

the crabmeat cocktail

agent Howard

yes I'm George Fox I'm with the Federal

Security Agency excellent work my office

called I was in Phoenix where is he

you're looking at him I tried to tell

him we've been following the car not the

driver fill me in Artie usually signs

judges names I just don't have the knack

where's my blue shirt oh it's in the

camera bag what are you doing leaving

what

dad dad it wasn't even phonics was

Treasury agents they weren't after us

they we're after the car they're sure to

notify Washington if they haven't

already

you know how the agencies interlocked

well where we gonna go look dad the last

ten bucks we spend was on the pizza well

yes but we have our freedom to we'll

manage

we've managed before I wish things could

be different that's okay as long as

we're together what difference does it

make I've never seen so much money in

all my life that's what you say not even

a hello hello I've never seen so much

money in all my life they let you out

yes I thought you were leaving I am I

was writing you a note why did he let

you go

I don't know this weird little guy came

in and started asking a bunch of

questions and suddenly I was on the

street he's not a fun person either by

the way what are you some kind of a spy

or something he said he's chasing you

for 14 years what did he say when he let

you go well I don't remember good night

have a nice day I really wasn't

listening I was you know too happy at

the bricks

good night have a nice day hey wait a

minute what's their problem I got no

idea

but why are you dressed like that you

look like a lawyer

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Wow

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Oh

[Applause]

you've gotta wait reports all right I

don't think he'll go far we'll find him

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you

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I'm not gonna argue with you about it

mr. Howard I will tell you this there is

more to Paul Forrester than stolen

Treasury notes

mr. Howard I'd like to be alone with him

where's God

well don't worry I'm as interested in

finding your offspring as you are I

don't think so

really do you have that much contempt

for the people of his earth no did you

think that we wouldn't understand

the danger to our species in allowing

him to grow up he's a child

children of the hope of your species not

the danger Earth's children human

children not your alien seed how many

more of you are there out there how

deeply have you infected us how many

will have to be excised to save our

planet

after all these years is that all you

want to ask me

[Music]

look but you gotta help him

look it's your fault that he's in there

I like to do is get him something FET

that's all what this are you kidding

you want to give him a marble kid even

if you wanted to help him there's no way

one we're not sure where they have him

and to well you know they could have the

US Marines guarding him but he's my dad

he's all I've got

yeah we know no you don't know you guys

call yourselves friends but you don't

even like each other how do you know

what it's like to care about someone no

you don't know what I know there's

nothing I can do about it

what are you talking about I don't know

I mean I thought we were like brothers

do you like brothers what are you

thinking you still have that machine

your boy yeah you remember dr. Sylvester

sure I got a weird idea get up sit up

tell me about this George Fox what kind

of guy is he everything you can remember

[Music]

well we're all packed I still don't know

who you are well who the devil he is the

Washington gave you an unequivocal

priority one they told me if you need

any of my men that won't be necessary

I'm gonna take him to an FSA safehouse

mr. Fox

that guy's back outside he says he needs

to see you says he has some information

about the kid the okay all right did you

get that telegram off to general Wade

uh not yet sir what are you waiting for

the rates to go down just a minute sir

George Fox no he's busy I'm his

assistant

I'm dr. Sylvester but there's the Naval

Hospital I'm here for the preliminary

examination of the alien Paul Forrester

I didn't hear anything about an

examination of course not you're not at

our level general Wade wants to report

on his desk before you landed Dulles oh

yes I know about that Oh Bert get the

rolls ready to travel we have the IRS

confiscated it and their senator please

thank you hello I'm dr. Sylvester you

are you get those chains off doctor I'm

sorry I'm afraid I can't strict orders

I'll have to do the best that I can

highly unorthodox though I'm having

difficulty following you mr. Artemus

Guinness Guinness well look I'm doing

the best I can

you're telling me that you have

information about the boy's whereabouts

but you don't know where he is that

doesn't make sense

well let me start over again the boy

where was I

all right and I'm mr. Forester this

won't hurt all you'll feel is a little

sting now just cooperate we're all it's

made of chemicals you know chemicals and

energy loop sites triglycerides

basically poised and on the plastic IPC

enzymes now my theory is that there's a

foreign substance in yo and what I

intend to do is extract it do much

better after that we'll take a potassium

down first and then see what the

calcitonin readout is you won't get away

with this

that's not important what comes next is

what's important you see by removing the

glucose absorption it should clear your

body ximena acid I don't know but Emma

no you understand I'm not a doctor

course not am i mr. Fox I am trying to

tell you you're trying something my

friend but I don't know what it is why

don't you go peddle your paper somewhere

else

Fox dr. Sylvester of Bethesda Naval

Hospital you need to feel it if you feel

empty lighter done it isolated the alien

he's in the tank you what I can't

believe it

he's finally out of me I'm free you

should have seen it mr. Fox when the

bubbles stuck the bubbles while you got

bubbles in the brain you step away from

him you go out and see about the guy

outside I think they're partners you you

get on your feet who do you think you're

dealing with here now wait a minute on a

street corner mark

Italy I said wait a minute I believe

this is mine oh thanks for your help

doctor drive carefully

he's gone mr. Fox all right never mind

let's get him to the safe house you you

must be crazy

I think you could pull a con like that

on me and get away with it

you got about ten seconds to get your

junk out of that office before somebody

calls the police you know what I think

mr. Fox

we should probably notify the AMA a man

like that should not be allowed to

practice medicine Wiley Wiley let's go

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[Applause]

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this looks bad somebody better call the

paramedics no no hospitals my brother

died in a hospital let's see your

license well I wasn't driving he was

it's okay officer I saw the whole thing

[Music]

take me out stay here

Scott give me your spear I don't mean to

be crass but do you think we could speed

this up we're federal officers we're

transporting prisoner look first thing

get yourself a good lawyer you ought to

get a couple million dollars what are

you telling

[Applause]

[Music]

driving the bird he's privy Mexico

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FS a fire o UT

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let's go

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[Applause]

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mr. plotz it's an illusion it's an

illusion I know and

keep going

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[Applause]

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wilee the telegram to general Wade you

didn't send it did you yes yes sir I did

[Music]

you

what I'm gonna do there we go

there we go sometimes fast and sometimes

slow yeah we kidding see that the hand

is picking it up to get you that's

sports

well it has been an exciting and an

unusual few days most entertaining

goodbye and thanks for your help I

learned a lot

oh yeah you should see them flip through

three-card Monte well if you're ever in

the neighborhood like that could I see

that little silver ball again huh

oh come on you think I'm gonna steal it

like you said die he's learned a lot

well goodbye lads

so long

[Music]

you didn't tell me that you did not the

rent oh come on will you relax I got him

cheese why why'd you buy them I don't

know yet

but I will come up with something and

when I do not it'll be big it'll be very

big tell me about the rabbits Artie I

don't think that's funny not

[Music]

you know you don't really know what

you've got until it's gone hmm

rolls-royce oh what a way to travel

quiet

relax ride a rich smell of wouldn't

leather nice walk is like that quiet

relaxed I think those guys River pull

off the big scam strike it rich I think

they already have I don't get it

well they thought they were so poor

they've got more than all the Rolls

Royces and mansions in Beverly Hills

like what friend

partner they can depend on I guess

[Music]

you

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you

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