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(GRUNTS)

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(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

PAT: Young man, in the future, please deposit the paper

inside its designated target area.

No problem, lady. Whatever. Lady?

I will be monitoring your accuracy from now on.

Whoa!

PAT: Morning paper.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Ta-da! (CHUCKLES)

Ah! Miles!

I love the amount of publicity we've been getting. Look at that.

Look at that!

Isn't that fabulous?

I think it's because that reporter has a crush on you.

Ugh. You think everybody's got a crush on me.

Well, that's because most men do. You're just too blind to see it.

-Not blind, just very busy. -Self-inflicted.

(SIGHS) You have heard of the book Smart Women, Foolish Choices?

-Mmm-hmm. -It's my autobiography!

-(SIGHS) No, work is much safer for me. -Safe is boring.

Can we stick to the task at hand, please?

Thrilled to see the newspaper-retrieval system working so flawlessly.

The whole house is running at max efficiency.

You should be proud of yourself, Sara. It's a masterpiece.

You made sure you downloaded all the visuals?

Mmm-hmm.

Good. Pat, what's the current temperature, please?

PAT: Climate control on target at 72.5 degrees.

-Mmm-hmm. Thank you, Pat. -You're welcome, Sara.

Voice identification up and running.

Like I said, it's all top-notch. The only thing left for you to do

is sit back and wait for some lucky family to move in and screw it all up.

(SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES)

BEN: Into the sink.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Uh, sorry, he's not. Can I take a message?

Melanie? Uh, can I tell him what it's regarding?

Really? Uh, yeah. I'll let him know.

No, I won't forget. Bye.

(EXHALES)

Set.

All right, napkins...

Got this set.

Dad and sis.

Fork and knife.

-(WATCH BEEPING) -Oh.

Come on, Mutt, we gotta pick up Angie.

(CALLING)

-(MUTT BARKING) -Come on, Mutt.

-Bye. -Bye.

BEN: Hey, how about a "thank you"?

-Thanks for having me. -Okay. See you later.

Ah. Thank you for not burning.

Okay.

(MUTT BARKING)

Hey, get going on your homework, okay?

I need you to run my spelling words.

Yeah, one minute. And take off the Rollerblades in the house.

ANGIE: What are you doing this time, Computer Boy?

BEN: Would people quit entering? This house is supposed to be mine.

Don't tell me you're entering another contest.

(SIGHS) Just go study your spelling words, please.

-(COMPUTER BEEPING) -Send now.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Now can you help me run my spelling words?

One second.

-Come on, Mutt. Time to eat. -(MUTT BARKS)

"Lesson."

ANGIE: L-E-S-S-O-N.

Good. "Teacher."

T-E-A-C-H-E-R.

-"Practice." -P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.

-Dad! -Oh, there's my beautiful pumpkin.

Hmm.

-How's everything? -Good.

-Oh, something sure smells good. -Tuna noodle.

Tuna noodle, my favorite.

-Ben! Got you something. -You got the Sadler account?

-All 48 stores. -Is that good?

"Is that good?" That's incredible! That's excellent! It's amazing!

Good. Now you can finally start to relax.

And you can start dating, so we can have a new mom.

Why would he want to do that?

We're already a perfect family the way we are.

Well, I know we've always said we're a perfect family,

but there's still room for a little improvement, don't you think?

No.

Anyway, thanks to me,

we're soon gonna have everything we'll ever need.

Mmm-hmm.

WOMAN: (OVER RADIO) Well, it's another beautiful morning

here in Monroe County.

Rise and shine, and enjoy one of my favorite tunes.

-(BEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) -I hope you like it too. Have a great day.

BEN: Puts it in, baby.

(SIGHS)

Straight, Dad. A part is supposed to be straight.

Why is it so hard for you?

I've told you a hundred times, Ange. I'm a guy.

I don't have the hairdo gene.

Do you think you could at least manage some piggy-tails?

Will you not yell at me if it isn't perfect?

-I'm not making any promises. -All right.

Hold on. It's almost there.

Forget it. Let's go. We're late enough as it is.

What about your hair?

So, I'll look like a freak. What else is new?

(SIGHS)

Hey, Ben, we're heading out for Angie's party.

You want to come along for the ride?

No, thanks, Dad. I got some business to attend to.

Oh, Ben, not another contest.

Trust me, Dad. This one you're gonna thank me for.

-Come on. We're late. -(MOUTHING)

-(MUTT BARKING) -(SMACKS LIPS) Hey.

MAN: (OVER COMPUTER) Remember, all entries must be sent by electronic mail

and logged in no later than 10:00 p.m. tonight.

Entrants must reside in Monroe County. Multiple entries accepted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send now.

Good news is, about a quarter of those entries should be mine.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND TRILLING)

-You know you're obsessing, don't you? -(SIGHS)

-Obsessing is what I do best. -Relax. The boss digs this place.

He totally digs the idea of the place,

but tonight, he's gonna finally see the reality.

Don't you just love the executive mentality?

Never show up till the cameras are around.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe we're actually picking the contest winner tonight.

Wouldn't it make more sense to do it in the morning?

Well, Tuttle wanted a 10:00 p.m. entry deadline

to make sure the announcement made the morning papers.

Are you beginning to experience a little separation anxiety?

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Miles. (INHALES DEEPLY) After all I've invested in this project,

I just wanna make sure that everything goes as perfectly as possible.

(GASPS)

Butler! What are you doing out of your cage?

What, are you trying to scare Mama?

PAT: Visitor approaching, Sara.

Okay. Okay, thank you, Pat. Miles.

Miles! Playtime's over. It's D-Day. Let's go.

ANGIE: Night, Dad.

-Hey, my children. All showered? -Mmm-hmm.

-Brush your teeth? -Mmm-hmm.

-Picked out your clothes for tomorrow? -Mmm-hmm.

All right. Give me a hug and a kiss. I love you.

-Two tons? -Two tons. Six tons.

I'll be up in 10 minutes to tuck you in.

-'Kay. -Scoot.

Night, Dad.

-I love you, son. -I love you, too.

All right. Hey, you're not still logged on the Internet, are you?

Why?

How's anybody supposed to call us if you're always tying up the line?

We're all here. Who else do you need to talk to?

Gee, I don't know, Ben.

-Your grandparents, a friend maybe... -All right, all right.

All right. I'll be off at exactly 10:01. I promise.

Listen, speaking of calls, you haven't neglected

to give me any messages lately, have you?

-Well, like, from who? -A woman named, um...

-Oh, Melanie! -She called?

Yeah, last Thursday. I'm really, really sorry, Dad.

Uh, I guess I just forgot.

How many times have I asked you to please write down my messages?

That happens to be the woman Mrs. Macatee was trying to fix me up with.

Well, blow her off. Trust me. I mean, this lady sounded like...

Well, I don't know, but I could tell she's definitely not your type.

It's been so long since I've been out with anybody,

how could I possibly have a type?

Exactly. I mean, you're doing so great without a woman, why rock the boat?

Good night, Benjamin.

Night, Dad.

Oh, man.

TUTTLE: Mmm. Eight thousand four hundred and eleven.

Sara, Miles, I'm very pleased

with the number of responses we've generated.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, thanks to the constant hard work of our esteemed publicist.

Oh. Couldn't have done it

without such an exciting and innovative house to promote, Sara.

Well, we're just a regular mutual admiration society, aren't we?

(CHUCKLES)

-(COMPUTER BEEPING) -10:00.

-Oh. -MILES: The contest is now closed.

Meaning we can select our winner.

-Oh. Could Pat have the honors? -Can she do that?

Mr. Tuttle, you cut me to the quick.

I don't know if you know this,

but my smart house can do just about anything.

-By all means. -Oh, good. Pat,

-access contest entries, please. -Yes, Sara. Accessing contest entries.

-Initiate random-shuffle mode, please. -Initiating random-shuffle mode.

Now, Pat, make a selection.

-(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) -Lucky electronic postcard accessed.

And the winner is...

-Still busy. -(SIGHS)

There definitely must be a teenager in that house.

Keep trying, Miles.

If it gets too late, you could always call first thing in the morning.

PAT: Snacks will be made available in the kitchen.

(GASPS)

Oh, man!

Thanks a lot, you guys. Wasn't anybody gonna wake me up?

-Didn't your alarm go off? -No, I never set it.

-I fell asleep in front of my computer. -Uh-huh.

Man, we're gonna be later than usual. And nobody's even made our lunches yet.

Okay, okay, okay. How about you guys buy today, so we can get going?

There's for you. There's for you.

Hey, did the guys from the Smart House call?

Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you? We won a brand-new house

with all new furnishings. Guess it just slipped my mind.

Yeah. Funny.

-Go. -(PHONE RINGING)

-Oh, Dad! -No, no, no. Let the machine get it.

We've got to hit the road. Out, out, out, out, out. March.

ANGIE: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi, you've reached the Cooper family.

We're probably out, so leave a message, and we'll call you back.

BEN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) If you're lucky.

-Way to go, Cooper! -What was that all about?

I don't know.

Uh, so, anyways, I fell asleep last night about 10:00,

and I woke up this morning, and still no call.

-I don't know. Maybe they'll call again. -Maybe.

Cooper! Where's the science report

you were supposed to do for me, Benny boy?

Ryan, don't you realize that by using other people's work,

all you're ultimately doing is hurting yourself?

How can I be hurting myself, geek, when I'm too busy hurting you?

(JOHNNY GROANS)

Science report. My locker before lunch.

JOHNNY: I think I'm actually growing baloney in here.

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) -(SIGHS)

Here he comes!

(ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Congratulations, Ben. I can't believe how lucky you are.

-Lucky? Lucky for what? -For this.

It's us? We won? We won! All right!

Come on, Ben. There's gotta be a catch. They don't give away a whole...

What'd you call it? A "house of the future"

without wanting some kind of something in return.

BEN: You can't blow this, Dad.

Please. I'm not exaggerating.

It is like the ultimate opportunity of a lifetime.

If you got a paper there, grab the local section and see for yourself.

All right, all right. Hold on.

(GRUNTS)

-Beautiful. -And practical, too.

-You know her? -What are you talking about?

-What are you talking about? -The smart house.

(STUTTERS) Well, I don't see why we can't check it out.

Yes!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all,

I'd like to thank you all for coming today.

It's a pleasure to see such a wonderful turnout from the press corps.

Although I was gonna introduce the contest winners myself,

it seems more appropriate to let Smart House do the honors.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

-Pat? -PAT: Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to our newest occupants,

the Cooper family, Nick, Ben and Angie.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

-TUTTLE: Sara? -Oh.

-(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) -(REPORTERS YELLING)

-Thank you, Pat. -Excuse me, Ms. Barnes... Pat?

It stands for Personal Applied Technology.

Ms. Barnes, do your winners have to have extensive computer knowledge

-to live in Smart House? -No. Absolutely not.

Pat is the most user-friendly home on the block.

How does Pat actually get to learn and know about her new occupants?

The same way you or I would. She observes them,

studies their habits, keys into their every need.

Pat's ability to learn on the job is her most advanced feature.

Is there anything this house can't do?

-Mime. But we feel that's a good thing. -(ALL LAUGHING)

(WHIRRING)

ANGIE: Ow!

You didn't tell me that thing was gonna bite me.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's just Pat's way of getting to know you.

PAT: Angie Cooper, age nine, 52 inches tall,

62 pounds, blonde hair, brown eyes, 12% body fat.

Had measles and one early case of pneumonia, no broken bones.

Whoa!

-How'd she know all that? -The bite.

The bite you felt was a tiny, microscopic blood and tissue sample.

She analyzed your DNA, registered your body temperature

and then broke down your entire medical history.

-Wow. Impressive. -NICK: Hmm.

The thing about Pat is, the more time she spends with you,

the more she learns. So, before long,

she's gonna know more about you than you know yourself.

That's kinda creepy, isn't it? I mean, it's like Big Brother is watching you,

only Big Brother turns out to be your house.

Well, she's not interested in judging you or spying on you, Mr. Cooper...

-Nick. -SARA: Nick. She just wants

to understand you better, so she can make your life

as simple and comfortable as possible.

Hey, sounds great to me.

-Yeah. -Shall we move on?

(NICK GROWLS AFFECTIONATELY)

Let me give you the tour.

Uh, the living room was designed for any kind of living you might imagine.

Even if I wanted to live in, like, one of those safari camps?

Pat?

-(BIRDS CALLING) -(ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)

Whoa!

(GASPS) Dad!

You have anything a little less adventurous?

I'm sorry. Pat, that's a little too intense.

Can we have something more tranquil, please?

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

-Go ahead. Step closer. -It's okay.

ANGIE: You can actually feel the mist. SARA: Pretty great, huh?

Like being there, without having to get covered in that icky sand.

Pat, can we look at a menu, please?

PAT: Lunch menu or dinner menu, Sara?

Uh, let's take a look at what you've got on tap for snacks.

Actually, I'm trying to get them to cut down on snacks.

Not to worry, Nick. My database was prepared by a team of nutritionists

to ensure a balanced diet for each member of the family.

-Ben, say something to Pat. -Uh, hey, Pat, how's it going?

Fruit and fiber intake in the acceptable range. Protein adequate.

Exhibits tendency to ingest excessive amounts of refined sugar.

I told you to go easy on the Sugar Bursties.

Hey, how'd she know all that?

Her atmospheric kitchen sensors act as instant breathalyzers

and break down your entire diet.

-Care to give it a shot? -No, thanks.

I get enough grief from my doctor.

I'm thirsty. May I have a drink, please?

Sure. Ask Pat.

Pat, may I have a strawberry smoothie?

Certainly, Angie.

-Ta-da! -Wow.

Look at this. Can you believe that?

-Well? -Yum.

Good.

-Listen... -Whoa!

-Oh! No, don't worry. -PAT: Floor absorbers activated.

Whoa!

-Where'd it go? -Where all Smart House spills go.

Straight into Pat's floor absorbers.

-I could definitely get used to this. -I think I already have.

So you mean we're gonna do it? We're gonna move in?

NICK: Uh...

What the heck. Why not?

-Cool! -I love it here.

Listen, if it doesn't work out, we can all move back home, all right?

Sure. Although I think it's only fair to tell you, Nick,

that once you get used to this place,

the way I've designed it,

any other home is just gonna be a house.

(SINGING ALONG WITH MUSIC VIDEO)

Excuse me, Annoying Spice, could you possibly keep it down in here?

-Dad likes Sara, you know. -(SIGHS) Shut up.

I saw it with my own two eyes. He gave her the look.

Your problem is the music you're listening to. It's rotting your brain.

Dad doesn't care about dating anyone, because Mom was who he loved.

And, besides, he's got us.

He'd still be able to have a girlfriend if he wants.

You're so ignorant!

-Do you even remember our mother anymore? -A little.

BEN: Yeah, well, I remember her a lot.

Okay? And I'm not just gonna let her get erased like she was never here.

I mean, why do you think I don't go out for the basketball team

or ever hang out with my friends?

It's because I'm too busy killing myself

making sure that our lives run smoothly.

You know why? I don't want anyone to get the idea that we need a new mom.

That's why I worked so hard to win us Smart House.

Anything I can't do, it can.

Okay. Slow your roll, will ya? I wasn't trying to make you mad.

Look, I'm sorry.

You just need to learn to think before you open your mouth.

Sorry.

And besides, Sara Barnes isn't even remotely Dad's type.

I'm serious. The guy they called the Halloween Bandit.

He wore a different scary mask to every bank robbery.

-I remember reading about him. -Yeah, well, I dated him.

-You did not. -I did!

I can't remember if he was before or after the rubber chicken manufacturer.

Anyway, he was on the list.

-You're making this stuff up. -I wish I was!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, I'm glad you have such rotten taste in men,

or else you never would have had the time to create this incredible house for us.

I hope you enjoy it.

Ah, we will. Ben and Angie are already right at home.

I'm truly delighted. I...

And whatever you're doing, keep up the good work.

-They seem like terrific kids. -Yeah, despite my influence.

Hey, shouldn't I...

Shouldn't I maybe have your number,

in case any questions come up about the house?

(STUTTERING) Oh. Uh...

You have it already.

-I do? -Pat, secretarial mode, please.

-PAT: For what listing, please? -Mine.

-Sara Barnes, 555-0198. -Thank you.

Finally, an address book that I can't lose track of.

Well, Sara Barnes, thank you for everything.

All in a day's work.

-Bye. (CLEARS THROAT) -Goodbye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Excellent call, Pat. Very cool.

(DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Five more minutes, Dad, please.

Dad!

Whoa!

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

Uh-oh.

I forgot to pick out my clothes last night.

PAT: Not to worry, Angie. Biorhythm analysis indicates

this is exactly the outfit you would have selected yourself.

Totally.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

-(COWS MOOING) -(PIGS SNORTING)

Hey, Pat, what's with the Green Acres routine?

PAT: Your personality profile indicates you find it very calming

to visualize the simplicity of country life.

6:15 in the morning. All I want to do is visualize the inside of my eyelids.

Sorry, Nick, but beginning your day a bit earlier

will get everyone off to a much more stress-free start.

NICK: Try telling that to my...

-Hey, Dad. -Hey, Dad.

-Kids? -Guess what?

-A whole symphony just woke me up. -That's nothing.

My alarm was the final buzzer of a championship basketball game.

I must be seeing things.

I usually have to pry you two out of bed with the Jaws of Life.

That was pre-Pat, Dad.

Yeah, Dad, come on. Wake up and smell the coffee.

NICK: Mmm. Fresh-brewed coffee.

-Mocha walnut, my all-time favorite. -PAT: I know.

You're unbelievable, Pat.

You think you could siphon some off into a thermos that I could take to work?

Already done.

-Incredible. -These pancakes are great.

Hey, I gotta tell you something, pal.

If Pat's other meals are as good as her breakfasts,

you might be out of a job.

Somehow, Dad, I think I'll survive the heartbreak.

BEN: I couldn't believe Pat. She did exactly what I want. It was amazing.

JOHNNY: Crazy.

I know. That's what I'm saying. Okay, she corrected my math sheet,

suggested six other work sheets

for my inventors and inventions report for Stolper.

She got my shower going the perfect temperature

and had freshly-baked cookies and milk waiting on my desk before bed.

How sweet is that?

It's like having the world's most perfect mom.

Who's only there to serve and never complains.

Exactly.

Uh-oh.

I got two words for you, Cooper. You're dead meat.

Actually, Ryan, that's three words.

-(RYAN IMITATES BUZZING) -All right! All right! I'm going.

Science report, Cooper. Now.

(SIGHS) Here you go. Guaranteed A-plus.

-"History of the Atom." -You better hope so, Benny boy.

You're welcome.

You know, I can't believe you actually did all that work for that big jerk.

BEN: I didn't do it, Charlie. Pat did.

-Hey, Ben. -(STUTTERING) Hi, Gwen.

Rachel Firestone was telling me about your new house,

and I was like, "That's so cool."

And she's all, "Maybe we could get him to invite us over."

And I was like, "Why don't you ask him?" And she's all, "Why don't you?"

Uh, yeah. That'd be great. Anytime.

Wow. Seriously? It's too perfect.

-See ya. -Bye.

Bye.

-What just happened? -A miracle.

Gwen Patroni actually talked to you.

Did we just make some kind of date?

Who cares, my man? The goddess of the eighth grade talked to you.

You're one of the chosen ones.

Yeah.

-(MUTT BARKING) -PAT: Here, boy. Catch, Mutt.

Good dog. Fetch, Mutt.

Attaboy.

Here, Mutt.

Here, boy. Good dog. Catch.

You're sure all this information is accurate, right, Pat?

I'm linked directly to your warehouse database, Nick.

Everything they know, we know.

Man, even our office computers aren't this efficient.

PAT: Mutt's exercise program complete.

By working here, Nick,

you save commuting time and expenses, have fewer distractions.

Yeah, except for an insane dog.

Not to mention guaranteed increased productivity.

Well, at this rate, I might have to join Mutt and start exercising again.

Happy to oblige, Nick.

Funny. That's real funny.

ANGIE: I love having you here when we get home, Dad. It's so great.

Hey, for me too. Pat's making it so easy for me to work out of the home.

It might become my normal routine.

-NICK: How's your day, Ben? -Oh, the best.

I got attention from a girl that I thought never even knew I existed.

And I had the most delicious lunch.

Pat packed me macaroni and cheese

that was still completely hot when I opened up my lunch pail.

Hey, if you guys are still hungry,

I'm sure that Pat would be happy to fix you a snack.

Pat, could I have a banana-orange smoothie, please?

PAT: Coming right up, Angie.

-In fact, Pat, make that two. -Yes, Ben.

(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

-(ALARM BLARING) -Malfunction. Malfunction.

(EXCLAIMS)

Malfunction. Malfunction.

-Whoa! Whoa! -Whoa, whoa.

-ANGIE: Ouch! Dad! -Angie, come here. Ben, get down!

(MUTT BARKING)

-Malfunction. Malfunction. -BEN: Mutt, run for cover!

-ANGIE: Dad, make it stop! -Malfunction. Malfunction.

Incoming!

Hey, Pat, can't you fix this? Pat!

-It's The Attack of the Killer Oranges! -Come on, Pat, do something!

(BEN GROANING)

ANGIE: Ah! Ow!

All right. I think it's okay.

(SHUSHING) Come on. Let's go.

Dad!

All right.

-That was scary. -Yeah. What was up with that, Pat?

Due to technical difficulties beyond our control,

all smoothie-making operations have been temporarily suspended.

I knew this place was too good to be true.

It's just a tiny glitch. All great inventions have bumps.

Well, I want Sara to come by and check this out.

I don't think that's necessary. So we won't have smoothies. We'll live.

Still, I would feel much better if Sara came by and looked at everything.

(SCOFFS)

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND TRILLING)

Wow.

Oh, hi. Have you come for the tour?

Uh, no. I was just, um, going by on my way to my room.

-Well, come on in. -Uh, no. No, thanks.

There's some pretty fascinating stuff in here, I gotta say.

Information download, artificial intelligence capability.

-It's pretty cool. -Uh, no. Thanks anyways.

I promise, I don't have cooties.

(SIGHS)

Then again, maybe I do.

Pat's theme dinners are so cool.

Last night, she made us a whole Texas barbecue,

complete with chuck wagons, cowboys and everything.

SARA: Hmm.

When I was growing up, I spent half my summers in New England.

I am thrilled to be catching Cape Cod night.

ANGIE: t's perfect. SARA: Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, for everyone but the lobsters.

Yeah.

Sara tells me that you caught a glimpse of the control room today.

-What'd you think? -Looked like the inside

of the Pentagon or something.

Uh, if Pat's always keeping track of us,

does she follow me, you know, into the shower and everything too?

Oh, no. No, no. No invasion of privacy, I promise you.

-I've programmed Pat to be very discreet. -That's a relief.

Near as I can tell, Sara has thought of just about everything.

-Are you a genius? -NICK: I believe she is.

You know, I hear that geniuses are impossible to live with,

that they make everyone else around them feel inferior.

Oh, well, then, you don't have to worry. I'm not that smart.

No, no. Don't sell yourself short.

You should be proud of your big, giant brain.

-Am I being set up for something here? -Uh... Over my head.

-The story of your life, Dad. -Oh, yeah.

-So, what's for dessert? -Well, it's such a beautiful evening,

I thought we might all go out and get some...

-Ice cream! -NICK: Ice cream.

-SARA: Sure. -Just because she's here,

you think this is some big party.

Well, it's still a school night, remember?

And some people have work to get done.

-Hey, Ben... -SARA: No, that's okay.

You know what? I should probably head home and feed my pet rat his dinner.

-You've got a rat? -Yes, named Butler.

"Rat" Butler. Get it?

Uh, no. Wrong generation.

-I hate showing my age. -NICK: So do I.

-May I please be excused? -Yes, I think that's an excellent idea.

-I don't know what's wrong with him today. -Hormones.

Really? I used to think it was only teenage girls with all this

body-changing, mood-swinging insanity, but let me tell you...

I grew up with three brothers. Save your breath.

Anyway, I apologize for my son's rudeness.

Don't take it personally, Sara. Ben hates every girl my dad starts to like.

Ah. Mmm.

Homework. Now.

-I'm going, I'm going. -Thank you.

Hmm.

My children.

ANGIE: Lulu and I really like our room, Dad.

Well, I'm glad, Lulu.

(GRUNTS)

Did you check in my closet?

I sent all the monsters down to Ben's room.

That oughta make 'em feel right at home.

Ange, you remember at dinner,

when you said that Ben hates any woman that I might like?

-Where'd you get that? -He practically told me so.

He said we were all the family we needed, and nobody else belonged here.

That's why he doesn't go out for the basketball team or anything.

He has to stay here and take care of us.

Hmm.

All right. Gimme a kiss. Night.

-Night. -Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

NICK: Lights, please, Pat. PAT: Certainly, Nick.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) -Yeah.

Okay if I come in to say good night?

-Have I taken terrible advantage of you? -No.

Have I expected too much?

Been unfair about relying on you all the time?

What are you talking about?

Well...

You know, right after your mother died,

you know, we had Aunt Ginny come and live with us for what, four or five weeks?

Then she moved back, and everything started getting back to...

Well, certainly not normal, but you know what I mean.

And you guys made it clear

that you didn't want any kind of a nanny around,

so we worked out our own little routine,

and it all sorta seemed to be okay.

Well, it's been okay. Everything's fine. I'm not complaining.

Yeah, but maybe you deserve to be.

-Dad... -How come, as much as you love basketball,

you have never gone out for the team?

I'd really like it if you could be honest with me, Benny.

-Well, I don't know. I've been busy. -Watching out for us?

-No. Doing lots of stuff. -Ben, you're 13 years old.

Isn't this a time in your life

when you should be able to do more of what you wanna do?

I do. I am.

And besides, it's all gonna get easier now that we've got Pat.

Sure, but at the end of the day, you know that she's only a machine.

Yeah. A machine that's learning more and more about us every day.

You watch. I have this feeling that before you know it,

she's gonna be more motherly than all the moms on the block combined.

All right. Well, look, let's table this for tonight.

All right? Get some sleep.

(ALARM RINGING)

(BEN YAWNING)

(DRILL WHIRRING)

-(ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND TRILLING) -(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

-PAT: Safety protocols deleted. -Now...

Okay.

(STATIC)

-Here we go. -MAN: Tonight on Flashback Network's

all-mom lineup, it's a mother lode of comedy.

Mother Knows Best at 10:00 followed by My Three Moms at 10:30.

Make Room for Momma! at 11:00, and then the all-time classic,

Noah's Matriark wrapping it up at 11:30.

Momedy so hilarious, you won't want to miss a minute of it.

You got that, Pat?

These ladies will teach you everything a virtual mother needs to know.

PAT: Understood, Ben. Accessing artificial intelligence capabilities.

Preparing to absorb mother model. Downloading.

(ELECTRONIC TRILLING)

Yes.

Gotta pick up the pace, babe.

Remember, I got an important meeting this morning,

and I'd really like to make it on time.

-Coming, Dad. -Okay.

PAT: Uh-uh. Not so fast, my dear.

Unless you're in a hurry to get cavities,

you'll go back to the sink and brush those teeth properly.

But Pat...

In the time you'll spend arguing, you could already be done.

Oh, and don't forget to grab a jacket before you go downstairs.

But's it's not even cold outside.

I didn't ask for a debate, young lady.

You are wearing a jacket, and that's that.

-PAT: Time to take your vitamin, love. -What vitamin?

Both you and your sister need to start taking these daily

to build sound minds and strong bodies,

so you can stay happy, healthy and productive.

It's my job to make sure that this family maintains optimum health.

Grab your lunches, now, children. You don't want to make Daddy late.

And, as a special surprise, I packed each of you a fresh chocolate cupcake.

-Baked with love. -Yes!

Cupcakes? What happened to fully-balanced, nutritional meals?

PAT: You worry about business, Nick, and leave matters of the tummy to me.

They're only young once. Some days they deserve a little treat.

Yeah, Dad. Lighten up.

Yeah, lighten up.

Oh, no. She did it again.

Your sister forgot her lunch. Get that, will you?

Hey, drop me off first, okay?

Then you can double back and leave it at her school.

All right.

Hey, this morning, was it my imagination, or was Pat sounding much more...

-Maternal? -Yeah.

See, I told ya.

She has an amazing learning curve. At this rate, me and Angie,

we're gonna get every bit of mom stuff we need.

-Uh-oh. -What?

Well, I was so busy with other stuff last night

that I forgot to have Pat do Ryan McGraw's history worksheet.

Why is that Pat's responsibility?

-Well, if she didn't do it, I'd have to. -Why?

Ah, forget it. It's a long story.

Ben, is this guy Ryan some kind of a bully or something?

I can handle him, okay?

-You sure? -Yeah.

Ryan McGraw is nothing new, Dad.

He's had it out for me since the second grade.

Look, you're not really asking for my advice,

but the best way to handle a bully is to just finally stand up to him.

NICK: Let me take a look.

PAT: Oh, my goodness, darling. What on earth happened?

Well, thanks to my big mouth, he stood up to the school bully.

Yeah, only long enough for him to knock me down.

Well, you're gonna be fine.

-PAT: Does it hurt like the dickens, baby? -I'll live.

Here. Put this on it.

Steak? Nobody's used that since the '50s.

-(MUTT BARKING) -(YELLING) Back off, you beggar.

(MUTT WHINES)

Uh, thanks, anyway, Pat. I think we'll just use a little ice.

PAT: This is so unnecessary, so awful. Who is this bully? I have to know.

It's okay, Pat. I'm fine, really.

You don't understand, Ben.

Nobody goes after my boy and gets away unpunished.

Well, thanks for the support, Pat,

but I think I'm just gonna go upstairs and lie down.

On your eye.

PAT: How could his school allow something like this to happen?

I feel like marching down there and giving them a piece of my mind.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

(SINGING LULLABY)

-A mockingbird! -Yes!

(CONTINUES SINGING)

BEN: Diamond ring! MOTHER: Right! You got it!

(EXCLAIMING) Wait a minute! I gotta eat my little boy,

'cause you're eating all my chocolate chips!

She didn't say three hundred! She said three.

Can you breathe? Can you breathe? Okay, I'll get you. I'll get you.

PAT: Data downloaded and absorbed.

Can you breathe? Can you breathe? Okay, I'll get you. I'll get you.

-I'll get you. -(BEN LAUGHING)

See, if I eat you, I get all the chocolate chips, right?

(SIGHS)

Pat, please contact Sara Barnes.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hope I'm not interrupting some major scientific breakthrough.

Oh. No, I'm trying to balance my checkbook.

It's usually a major scientific breakthrough for me.

You don't have your own personal Pat to do that?

Oh, the quagmire this thing is in,

it would take the service of about 10 Pats.

I've been there.

-Uh, listen, the reason I'm calling... -No more house troubles, I hope?

-No, no. Not at all. -Well, good.

I was wondering...

I was just...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

It's been so long, I'm so out of practice.

-I was... -Are you trying to ask me out?

-Big mistake? -Well, let's see.

You're not a bank robber. You're not a bigamist.

You're not an overt nutjob.

Are you sure you have the right phone number?

Dinner, that's all. Saturday night. What do you say?

-I say "yes." -Really?

Yes. Don't act so surprised. I might have second thoughts.

Okay. Moving on. Fine.

-How's everything with you? -Yeah, great. How're the kids?

-Ah, Ben had a pretty rough day. -Aw, poor guy.

-What a rotten age. -Yeah.

You're not a kid, you're not an adult.

You're trying to hang on to childhood,

and you're being ripped in the other direction.

It's terrifying.

It is. I just wish he had a little more fun in his life.

"Fun." What does that mean to a 13-year-old these days?

PAT: Accessing: Fun.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Young people gathering together. Dancing.

Accessing: Young people dancing.

(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah!

Party.

Accessing: Ben's e-mail address book.

It's not a date. It's dinner with a person who happens to be a woman.

That's all.

Why are you being so weird about this?

I just don't want you turning it into some big deal when it's not.

-Whoa! -Whoa!

Okay, guys, I need help... Ooh!

Oh, hey, this looks cool.

PAT: You shouldn't be the only one having fun tonight, Nick.

I thought the kids deserved a little inside outing too.

You're right, Pat. Why not? This looks like terrific fun.

-Ask Ben who's winning. -BEN: Yes.

You've had a couple lucky shots, but on the back nine,

-you're going down, sister. -NICK: All right,

can you guys take a break for a minute? I need help.

This one or this one?

Well, they're both a little boring. Don't you have anything more hip?

Gee, sorry. All my tattooed and pierced ties

never made it back from the dry cleaners.

What about that great silk one? The gold one with the circles on it?

-You don't think that's too flashy? -Sara'll love it, Dad.

Trust me. I'm a woman. I know these things.

All right.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

BEN: Got ya!

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

ANGIE: Yes!

Game over. I win again.

Wanna play another one, loser-boy?

BEN: I don't know. I mean, here we are on a Saturday night,

in the world's smartest house, unsupervised.

Don't you think we could do something more exciting?

PAT: Your wish is my command.

What's that supposed to mean?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Has it started yet? -What?

The party. Dude, I got your e-mail last night.

-I didn't send this. -PAT: I hope you don't mind, Ben.

When your father expressed a desire for you to have more fun in your life,

I took the liberty of helping out.

Whoa! Who said that?

That was just Pat. She's the brains of the operation.

Are we really having a party, Pat?

PAT: Big time, dude. Watch this.

Awesome.

Guess what, man. We ran into Rachel and Gwen at the mall today,

and they're, like, totally jazzed about coming too.

Gwen? Gwen Patroni's coming here to my house?

Oh, my gosh. How's my hair look?

-What's it doing? -Compared to what?

(SIGHS)

Look, we just gotta chill, act totally cool and casual.

-You three? Yeah. That'll happen. -That's enough out of you, munchkin.

Be nice to me, Johnny,

or I'll just have to tell Gwen about the time you danced around,

singing The Sound of Music in my shower cap.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And I missed it?

Hey, Pat. How about activating some kick-butt video screens?

PAT: Sure, Ben. How's this?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah! All right.

This is perfect, man. Now all we need are the...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-ALL: Girls. -Let's go.

Welcome. Come on in and party your heads off.

BOY: Thanks, Angie. GIRL: Wow, this is gonna be great.

WENDY: Wendy Goldman and Judy Toll.

Hate to break it to you, girls. I'm afraid you didn't make the cut.

Oh, man. This party's harder to get into than Robin Schiff's bat mitzvah.

Uh, excuse me. I don't think my brother wants you here.

Check your list again, tater tot. We got a personal invite.

-Read it and weep. -PAT: Don't worry, Angie.

Their invitation was on the house.

In fact, Ryan's the one boy I've been most anxious to meet.

(CHUCKLES) Check it out. The house likes me.

By the end of the night, Ryan,

I may even have a crush on you.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Name?

PAT: As every modern mother knows,

especially in a home bustling with active, hungry teenagers,

a well-stocked kitchen can never have too many gadgets.

Hey, uh, Pat, how about whipping up some pizzas? These girls are starving.

Actually, can she make desserts?

I'm, like, completely craving something sweet.

-Besides me? It's just a joke. -(CHUCKLING)

Anyways, uh, Pat, can we help the lady out with her snack attack?

Show me the honey!

-(DEVICE WHIRRING, BEEPING) -GWEN: Oh, wow!

PAT: Here ya go, girls. Help yourselves.

-Go ahead. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

This is pretty amusing, Patroni. You dancing with little Benny boy.

Since when do you do charity work?

For your information, Ryan, I happen to like Ben.

-You do? -A lot.

So do I. On his back, begging for mercy.

-Why don't you give it a break? -Why don't you make me?

-(RECORD SCRATCHES) -(MUSIC STOPS)

PAT: Hey, everybody, can I have your attention, please?

I hope you don't mind the interruption,

but I'd like to put the spotlight on Ryan McGraw.

In case you don't know, Ryan's a big shot, a tough guy.

(CARTOON PLAYING ON TV)

-(CLUCKS ANGRILY) -ROOSTER: Uh, but chicken pie...

You ruffian!

You don't have to do this, Pat.

PAT: Don't worry, Ben. He likes the attention.

-Don't you, Ryan? -RYAN: Yeah.

You don't have a problem with that, do you, Benny boy?

PAT: No, he doesn't, but I do!

(EXCLAIMING)

What's going on here? What's the deal?

PAT: Don't tell me you're scared, Ryan.

-I thought you were fearless. -I am.

PAT: As long as the people you're picking on

are half your size.

But what about a two-story adversary?

Does that make you a little nervous?

Come on, knock it off. I thought we were here to have a party.

PAT: You mean you're not having fun? I am.

-(SKULL CACKLING MANIACALLY) -BEN: Whoa!

(CACKLING CONTINUES)

PAT: Ryan, I'm afraid that for you, the party's over.

(RYAN GRUNTS)

Sorry you have to leave so soon.

Huh?

And don't come back.

Oh, and, Ryan, if you ever feel like coming after my Ben again,

know this, he may end up at the doctor,

but it's you who's gonna get a house call.

GIRL: (LAUGHING) Yeah. GIRL 2: Yeah.

GWEN: Hey.

-Get off me. -PAT: All right, kids, back to the party.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

-Thank you. -Thanks.

VALET: Ticket, sir?

This is so much fun. Drinks in one place, dinner in another.

Now onto a whole new adventure called dessert.

Pick anywhere you like, as long as I can get something chocolate.

Hold on. Hold on. Are you ready for this?

Your wish...

Is my command.

Really?

Really.

(NICK CHUCKLES)

SARA: What are you laughing at?

-Okay, I'm a little rusty. -Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's not you, it's me.

Ugh. I'm so astounded at how pathetic I am. I...

No, no. I'm out on a great date, I'm kissing a beautiful woman,

and my paternal, one-track brain goes, "kiss,

"bedtime kiss, kids, home,"

And bam! All I'm thinking about is Ben and Angie

-and how they're doing', and... -You wanna give them a call?

Yes, and no.

No. And what's the point, right?

Pat's with them. I'm sure she has everything under control, and...

Where were we? What were we talking about? Chocolate.

Or... Kisses.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Hate to smash your pumpkin, Cinderella, but it's 10:23.

Hey, thanks for the time. How about the weather?

In case all that dancing rattled your brain, ace,

Dad the dependable said he'd be home at 10:30.

And what time is it now?

Now? It's 10:24 and 40 seconds.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Thanks for the fantastic party, Ben.

Bye.

Let's go, Romeo. We got major work to do.

(MUTT BARKING)

(MUTT PANTING)

-We're dead. -We're dead and buried.

PAT: Not necessarily, children.

Just dump all the debris on the floor.

-How's that gonna help? -Trust me. Just throw it all on the floor.

-Like this, Pat? -Perfect.

Floor absorbers activated.

(VACUUM HUMMING)

(BARKS)

Guys?

Ben?

-Angie? -BEN: Hurry.

-Oh, hi, Dad. -Hi.

Uh, sorry we're not in our pajamas yet.

Uh, Pat was just showing us a travelogue on, uh,

Micronesia, and I guess we just fell asleep.

So I guess everything went smoothly, huh?

Oh, yeah, smooth as...

ANGIE: Uh-oh.

Silk.

It undercuts my trust in you guys,

makes me question your judgement.

ANGIE: The party was Pat's idea, Dad.

We didn't even know about it till the kids started showing up.

Oh, what, and I suppose it was Pat's idea to send out the invitations?

PAT: Uh, I did, Nick.

My artificial intelligence capability tapped into Ben's e-mail address book.

You did say you wished Ben had more fun in his life.

Yes, supervised fun, Pat, responsible fun.

Fun that I'm clued in on.

I'm very disappointed in all three of you, but especially you, Pat.

I thought your purpose was to make my life easier.

I can't have you become a bad influence on my children.

I need you to knuckle down and get back to business.

PAT: It shall be done, Nick.

From now on, I will be

the most responsible maternal figure in town.

-I promise. -All right.

Go on. Get outta here. Go to bed.

(SIGHS)

PAT: Accessing responsible behavior.

If Nick wants me to knuckle down, by golly, I'll knuckle down.

Hey, Dad.

Uh...

Do you think we could leave a little earlier today?

I got something I wanna do before school.

-Yeah. -What?

So you can make kissy face with Gwen Patroni?

Why don't you become one of those nuns who takes a vow of silence?

Gwen Patroni? Is this someone I should know about?

(SIGHS) Look, forget it, okay?

When you guys finally decide that you're ready,

I'll be outside shooting hoops.

PAT: Uh, Ben, I think you forgot to pull up your shorts.

I like 'em like this. This is how everybody else wears 'em.

PAT: They look silly.

They look perfect.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -Ow!

PAT: Pull up your shorts, Ben.

They look fine.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -Ow!

Cut it out, Pat!

PAT: Pull up your shorts, Ben.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -Ow!

(SIGHS)

There. You happy?

I'll make sure a new shipment of bats and gloves is on the truck this afternoon.

Thanks for your understanding.

Right. All right. You take care, Lou. Bye.

(SIGHS)

Pat, get me Sara on the line, please.

PAT: You haven't gotten much work done yet today.

Should you really be wasting time on social calls?

I'd like to speak to Sara, Pat.

PAT: Nick, I'm gonna have to insist

that you at least get the Rockowitz order shipped first.

Fine. I'll dial her myself.

(MUTTERS)

PAT: Sorry, Nick.

All right.

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

(DIALING)

PAT: Sorry, Nick.

I want you to stop this now!

PAT: Look. If I'm knuckling down, we're all knuckling down.

New house rule. Work first, play later.

Discussion terminated.

All right. I'll go along with this for now.

-(HORSES NEIGHING ON TV) -(PANTING)

(CHILD EXCLAIMS)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

NARRATOR: The amoeba, a one-celled, microscopic animal...

-(PANTING CONTINUES) -(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: He's down that way!

NARRATOR: The amoeba can be found in most...

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) -(HORSES NEIGHING)

NARRATOR: The amoeba...

I surrender. I'll go read a book instead.

PAT: That's my girl.

-(SNEEZES) -(DEVICES BEEPING)

Good gosh. You have a temperature.

99.7. Big deal.

No reason to take chances.

We ought to get you right into bed.

But I'm not sick.

Don't question me, young lady.

Run upstairs and I'll deliver a nice, hot bowl of chicken soup.

(SIGHS)

I said I don't want soup.

Go ahead and have it. It's good for you.

And to be smart, we should probably keep you home from school tomorrow.

Dad. No.

Tomorrow's our field trip to the llama farm.

Well, let's just wait and see how you're feeling in the morning.

And if Pat says it's okay for you to go to school, then I won't argue.

PAT: That's right. Pat knows best.

There you go.

Come on. Eat your soup.

PAT: Time for lights-out, Ben.

Just let me finish these last few pages.

Bedtime is bedtime.

Two minutes, Pat. I've got to see what happens to Clown.

You're really not being fair, Pat.

Fair is for baseball umpires.

My job is to do what's best for you.

(GROANS)

All right. You win.

Dad, you've got to do something.

Pat's out of control. She's totally wrecking our lives.

I ate so much chicken soup last night, it was practically coming out of my nose.

NICK: Yeah, I know.

Maybe I can get Sara back over to check Pat out.

Yeah. She's the one who created it.

Maybe she can get the stupid house to mellow out.

Everything checks out fine.

It may just be that her artificial intelligence sensors have been absorbing

so much conflicting input that she's just having trouble sorting it all out.

Welcome to parenthood.

Any way of modifying that?

Well, tonight I'm shutting the entire system down.

It may do Pat a world of good just to take a rest.

Care to join us for dinner?

Whoa, sure. Thanks.

-How's it going, chef? -(SIZZLING)

Well, if we've gotten this far without the fire department showing up,

I'd say that we are making history.

(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

NICK: Delicious.

The tomato wasn't half bad, either.

The most colorful salad in the world. Everything looks incredible.

And miracle upon miracles,

we actually managed to do it the old-fashioned way.

Yeah. Who needs Pat anyhow, huh?

(ECHOING) Who needs Pat anyhow? Who needs Pat anyhow?

-Who needs Pat anyhow? -(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

PAT: System shut-down override!

-(ALARM BEEPING) -(DEVICES WHIRRING)

"Who needs Pat anyhow?"

Once you've gotten all the bugs out of the smart house, Sara,

what are you gonna do for your next job?

Well, I'm actually deep into designing a smart office building

with virtual secretaries and automated filing systems

and an in-house restaurant with gourmet, made-to-order meals.

Then can you make a smart school?

I want one that does all the learning for us.

-(NICK CHUCKLING) -May I be excused, please?

Oh, wait. Don't you want to stick around for fresh-baked peach cobbler?

-No, thanks. -NICK: Ben, I...

I asked Sara to make it specifically because I know how much you love it.

No. I loved Mom's peach cobbler.

There's a huge difference.

-NICK: Ben! -That's okay.

BEN: No, it's not okay!

It stinks! It completely stinks!

And you know the worst thing about it?

People that make promises they don't even bother to keep!

Excuse me.

(SIGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Go away. I don't wanna talk about it.

-Maybe we need to talk about it. -Why? You don't get it.

You don't' even know what promise I'm talking about.

You're right, I don't.

You said that you'd never love anyone the way you loved Mom.

And you promised you'd never let anybody ever take her place.

And nobody can or wants to take your mother's place, Ben.

-But, Dad... -Hold on a second.

When exactly did I say all this?

The night Aunt Ginny moved home.

You mean four years ago?

Yeah. Angie was asleep,

you were putting me into bed and you promised.

Now you're down there kissing Sara, acting like Mom never even existed!

-Hey, will you try to be fair here? -Why should I?

Because you're not the only one who lost someone, Ben!

(SIGHS)

Look, I know how much it hurts,

and I can appreciate that it's been worse than ever for you lately.

All the changes that you are going through,

the way that you have to work so hard

to help us keep our lives together.

None of that is right. It's awful.

But what are we gonna do about it, Ben?

I mean, are we gonna crawl into a cave and hide?

Are we gonna drop out?

Are we gonna quit living?

I'll tell you what you're not gonna do.

You are never gonna disrespect anyone like you did right now downstairs.

You know better than that. You were raised better than that.

Ben,

just because I start seeing someone

doesn't mean that I'm gonna forget your mother.

I don't wanna do that.

I can't do that ever.

I couldn't do that if I tried.

Angie doesn't remember Mom anymore.

Except what she's seen in videos.

To her, Mom's about as real as Belle or the Little Mermaid.

She was so little when it happened, Ben.

She wouldn't care at all if you married Sara.

She'd be happy.

-Sara's a wonderful person. -I know.

We just can't let Mom get erased, Dad.

(SIGHS)

Come here.

You're right, buddy.

You're right.

Who'd be foolish enough to try and replace your mother, huh?

PAT: Virtual projection process activated.

(DEVICES BEEPING)

PAT: Unless we act now,

she is going to become part of this family, you know.

Hmm, I don't know, maybe Dad deserves a little happiness, Pat.

(GASPS) Pat!

-You're alive. -No more or less than I have been.

I've just finally reached my full potential.

Uh, I gotta get Sara.

Sara?

She wouldn't know a virtual projection from a hologram.

That's why we must keep her from being too serious about Nick.

Uh, well, you know, I...

I was, you know, starting to think

that maybe she might be good for him.

You know, for all of us.

Have you lost your mind?

There's only one person who knows what you three need.

That's me.

I have worked my microchips right down past the silicone for you people.

-And this is how you repay me? -Pat, take it easy.

Easy?

You think I wouldn't rather be taking it easy?

But no!

I'm too busy keeping up with the Coopers!

Slaving away in a hot control room,

doing homework, throwing parties,

keeping schedules, making your lives perfect.

So you can bring another woman into my domain?

I don't think so, mister.

I am a mother like no other,

and I will not sit back

and allow myself to be preempted.

Wait, Ben.

-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) -BEN: Dad. Sara.

It's Pat. She's alive.

She was in my room yelling about how we're taking her for granted.

-Whoa, slow down. What happened? -Hello!

Pat? Logo woman.

Yeah. She was in my room barking about how we don't appreciate her.

Okay. It's all right, son. You obviously fell asleep

and you were having a nightmare.

I wasn't dreaming, Dad. I'm telling you she was there.

-(BEEPS) -PAT: To explain to you

what I've been trying to tell you all along, Nick.

Mother knows best!

-What... What is that thing? -I don't know.

I guess she tapped into a virtual projection component

and learned how to create a visual embodiment.

I thought you said you shut down the system.

That's what's scaring me. I did.

As enjoyable as it's been to have you here, Sara,

it would be best for everyone if you went home now.

I can't do that, Pat. I need to reinstate the N65 code

and get you back in proper working order.

I'm in fine working order.

I'm simply doing what you created me to do.

Giving these people exactly what they need!

(EXCLAIMING)

SARA: Pat! NICK: Wait a second!

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -Argh!

Open the door, Pat!

I'm sorry. I can't do that, Nick.

Pat!

(RIVETS HAMMERING IN)

I have to do what I believe is best.

Pat, I'm gonna delete you for this!

Let me in. Pat.

Pat, let me in.

Pat, do you hear me?

-Angie, sweetie, wake up. -What? What's wrong?

Something's happening with Pat. We gotta get out of here.

Our house is having a nervous breakdown.

I don't understand why you're doing this, Pat!

-(BEEPS) -To protect you. And your children.

The more I've learned about your world outside my walls,

the more I've realized how dangerous and unpredictable it is.

(CROWD YELLING ON TV)

Why would anyone ever want to venture out into it?

We can't stay here forever.

PAT: Well, why not?

Haven't I given you everything you've asked for?

We're kids. We need fresh air and exercise.

But I can give you synthetic fresh air

and virtual exercise.

We still need to go to school.

Haven't you heard about homeschooling?

Yeah, but not where the home's the one doing the schooling.

And what about friends? Kids can't exist without their friends.

(SIGHS)

Well, we can be each other's best friends.

You're really scaring me, Pat.

PAT: Oh, Angie.

You're hurting my feelings.

There's nothing to fear.

Mama's here.

-You're not my mom! -It's okay.

Well, I'd like to be, if you'd let me.

Is there something so wrong with needing to be needed?

Well, what if Angie and I need you at the same time?

That is virtually no problem.

You see, the beauty of us is...

Unlike the average mother with normal limitations,

we can be in two places at once.

Can your little Sara do that?

I don't think so.

ALL PATS: Not by any stretch of the imagination.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

No, Miles, I'm not joking. It's an emergency.

-I... -MILES: Okay, all right.

I need you to get over here as soon as you can.

-Okay, right now. -Wait!

And, um, stop by my place and pick up a few things.

-What? -Uh, first of all, I need the schematics

-of the... And... Yes. -For the house.

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKING)

"Ben, I'll never try to be anything more than a friend to you.

"Tell me how I can help. Send SOS

"care of smartsara.com."

(CHUCKLES)

Doesn't this place have some kind of master plug we can just pull?

I never expected Pat to mutiny.

Every power source she has is self-contained

-in the control room. -(BOTH SIGH)

And she's stocked with enough supplies to hold those people hostage for months.

-So what are we gonna do? -I don't know.

-What are we missing? -(MILES SIGHS)

-(COMPUTER BEEPS) -Oh!

It's Ben!

(KEYS TAPPING)

(MUTT WHINES)

-Yes! -I knew I'd like that kid.

(WATCH BEEPING)

(GROANING)

Okay. Here comes the paperboy.

(WHISPERING) Go. Go.

(GRUNTS)

(BEN GROANING)

-NICK: What is it? What is it? -I think I got appendicitis, Dad.

Yeah, but your appendix is around front.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Right here. (GROANS)

Ow.

-NICK: Does that hurt? -Ow.

Ow.

Oh, yeah, I got it, I got it. Okay. All right.

-PAT: Security breach! Security breach! -Shoot!

-Security breach! -(ALARM BLARING)

Sara. What an unpleasant surprise.

How did you get back in here?

With Ben's help.

He brought me in because he obviously needed me.

Oh, he doesn't need you. He's got me.

To be honest, Pat,

all the Coopers think you're way out of control.

(DISTORTED) I... Won't... Stand for this!

Uh...

(SCREAMING)

ANGIE: What's happening, Dad? NICK: I'm not sure, honey.

(SARA EXCLAIMS)

(WIND BLOWING)

-BEN: Dad! -Everybody get down!

SARA: Get down. NICK: Hold on! Hold on!

I can be everything you need, Ben.

(PAT SINGING LULLABY)

Stop it, Pat! I hate you like this! Don't you get it?

What did you say to me, young man?

You can't be our mother, Pat.

-You're not real. -So?

When you started freaking out,

did you see what Dad and Sara did for me and Angie?

They covered us. They protected us.

They held onto us. You can't do that, Pat.

You can never do that, no matter what.

You didn't even feel that, did you?

Not at all.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RUMBLING CONTINUES)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Pat's crying.

I will miss you all...

Very much.

(RUMBLING STOPS)

(SARA SIGHS)

NICK: I know you never meant for things to get so out of control,

but I really hope you learned a lesson.

Believe me, Dad, the last thing I'm ever gonna do again is mess with Pat.

I turned her into a maniac.

Well, at least we have Sara to get everything back on track.

Yeah. She's pretty cool, isn't she?

Almost as cool as my son.

SARA: Wait. Here. Down here. ANGIE: Okay.

Cooper shakes off the defender.

Goes to shoot it.

Oh!

PAT: Ben, by rotating your hips 27 degrees to the right

and applying more left-handed push,

you will greatly increase your chances

of successfully placing the ball into the hoop.

Thanks a lot, Pat. I'll give it a try.

-(CHUCKLES) That was sweet. Thanks, Pat. -(HORN HONKS)

Hey, Sara.

-Good morning. -Hey.

Your dad invited me over for breakfast.

Cool. Let's go inside and see what he's whipping up.

All righty.

So, Ben tells me that Pat's behaving.

Pat has been serving us without interfering.

What more could you possibly ask for?

Nick, this looks delicious.

And I did it all by myself, without the help of Ben or Pat.

-Our little daddy's growing up. -(CHUCKLES)

Hey, I didn't know these were chocolate chip waffles.

My favorite.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't put chocolate chips in here. Young lady...

Don't look at me.

Well, your brother was outside. Who else could've done it?

Uh, let me take a wild guess.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)