Original subtitles

Let's crush beers!

Everybody fuckin' crushin' beers!

Let's just crush beer! Let's crush beer!

Hey! Get a fuckin' beer in ya! Let's crush beers!

- Hey! - Quoi?

We came in the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs,

and we leave...

the best team in the league, ever!

Shoresy, how do you feel when we lose?

- I wanna kill myself. - That's maybe a bit extreme.

- No, really, I wanna die. - We get it, slut.

I'm serious. I go to bed at night thinking maybe

it's better if I don't wake up, 'cause at least then

I wouldn't be a fucking loser. - That is why...

we must celebrate the win.

- Fuckin' right! - Relish the victories!

Yeah!

And commemorate the triumphs!

So...

we planned a little party for you guys

when we get back to Sudbury.

But... there is one rule.

- A rule? What? - What?

- And the rule is... - What the fuck?

You have to have fun!

Yeah!

You fuckin' got me. I was like, rules?

We hate rules. No way.

Yeah, but the rule was to have fun!

- Like, if that's the rule... - Then it's gonna be

a good party. - I totally thought you were

comin' in with some fuckin' bummer rule,

and now we're really just gonna crush beers.

Yeah! Woo!

No one will ever set this record again, sluts.

They can only tie it. Yeah!

We have the best team in the league, ever!

Yeah!

Let's celebrate appropriately!

Fuck yeah!

You guys have the bus all night to safely

take you anywhere. - No way.

So, I'll see you at home!

Well Sanger, let's go 'til we can't go no more.

24-0!

Yo, hey! Hey, hey! We should bring the cup.

- No. - Just crush beers out of it.

- That's sacrilege, Shoresy. - Who cares? We fuckin' won it.

We can do what the fuck we want with it.

- Who cares? - Bit of a limbo period here

between the regular season and the playoffs, boys.

- Let's bring the cup. - It's technically still ours!

- Let's bring it! - Bring the cup.

Just crushin' beers!

Shoresy, you fuckin' schmelt.

- What're you doin' back there? - Who?

What are you doing back there?

Blow.

Shoresy.: Just crushin' beers.

Get up, you fuckin' plug. Hammerin' beers.

Shoresy, I've got my tits out.

- Just crushin' beers. - He is fucked.

We can give him a little bit of this.

We can't put it up there for him.

Oh, I can. Shoresy, babe, you want a little nose beer?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

What it do, what it does. I go by the name JoDolo. Sudbury.

Thank you all for coming through. I'd like to get a massive round of applause

for the amazing, beautiful, and super-talented

Eva Shaw, baby. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I just wanna say a few words here.

- And now... - I just wanna say a few...

And now the captain of the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs

would like to say a few words I guess, so, Shoresy!

Can I say a few words here? I just wanna say a few words

here. Wanna say a few words here to every one of us here.

Every one of us here. So, yeah, so, you all came out

tonight, that's good. 'Cause we're doing good.

It's nice everybody came out tonight. That's good.

'Cause we're doing good. So yeah, so, where the fuck

were all of you when we were doing bad? Huh?

It's like you're here when we're good, but not when we're bad? Huh?

Didn't see any of you when Nat was gonna fold the team.

I said, "Didn't see any of you when Nat was gonna"

"fold the team." When you were gonna fold the team.

'Cause she was gonna fold team. I said, "Where the fuck"

"were you last year when we were bad?" Huh?

"Where the fuck were all you last year when we were bad?"

- Yeah. - I said, "Good to see everybody

out tonight, that's good. 'Cause we're playing good."

- We heard you, bro! - Well, that's good.

'Cause we're playing good. - Yes.

I said, "So, you're here when we're good",

but not when we're bad?" - We heard you.

I said, "You're here when we're good,

but not when we're bad?" "But not when we're bad?"

Do you wanna borrow a bit of ChapStick, Shoresy?

I said, "But oh, everybody's here tonight. That's good."

"But oh, everybody's here tonight, that's good."

"Oh, that's good, everybody's here tonight, that's good."

I said, "Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

I said, "Fuck you."

What do you think of that, Jim? - Yeah.

- Jim? - Yes.

- Jim? - I'm with you, Shoresy.

Always got your back, buddy. - Is he high?

I think he's high.

- Where have you been, lady? - Yeah, we thought you'd left.

- Just had a quick bite. - Is he high?

- He is? - I think he's high.

- So, he's high. - Confirmed, you guys,

he is definitely high. - Who was he doing that with?

- Me and Frankie. - You were with Frankie?

- Is there anymore? - He's gonna fuck this all up.

Drugs kill dreams.

He needs something else.

I don't think he needs anything else.

I mean to even him out. Do you have anything?

Just take off the edge a little bit.

Soften him up.

I do.

I feel great.

- Do you? - Huh?

- I feel great, too. - Knows, b'ys. Knows.

This might be the greatest I've ever felt after winning.

What do you think of that, Jim? - Yeah.

- Jim? - Yes.

- Jim? - Jim's arm is touching my arm

and usually I'd pull my arm away when that happens but...

Right now, it doesn't feel like the end of the world.

What did you give them?

Oh, um...

Ya just pop open one of these bad boys.

- Oh, no, no. No, I'm good. - All right.

And then you wait about half an hour.

- Hmm. - I think I'll have

what they're having. - You gave this to all of them?

Yeah, about a half hour ago.

Oh, you already had it.

- What if I did that? - That's okay.

- Hmm? - That's all right.

It's pretty good.

Thanks for asking.

What if you did that to me, Sanger?

- Right now? - Whenever you want to. It's all good.

What's goin' on with your eye there, Shoresy?

Maybe we all massage each other, I don't know.

- Massage each other? - Yeah.

So, we're all gettin' a massage and givin' a massage.

Maybe we should see if it feels just as good

if we just do it to ourselves.

No.

This is... better?

- Is it? - It is, yeah.

- What did you give them? - No! We don't wanna know.

You're right. I don't think we wanna know.

Do they have any more?

I don't think we should be seeing this.

- Why not? - Uh, I don't think

I can unsee this.: B'ys, a massage never

felt so good as what this does.

- Yeah. - It's too weird.

Yeah, it is too weird.

Just weird enough.

Nope.

I'm really hot.

Is anyone else really hot?

- Yeah. - Huh?

Take your jacket off.

I don't wanna take my jacket off.

- Why not? - I like my jacket.

What about your pants, old man?

Well, I don't like my pants as much

as I like my jacket. What's good?

- Well, take your pants off. - I don't wanna be the only

guy with my pants off. Mustn't be that hot then.

Boys, I've had my pants off for the last minute and a half.

I think that's where I feel the most hot.

'Kay, b'ys, I'm takin' off me pants.

I'm taking off my pants.

Well, should we all take our pants off?

- Yeah. - Huh?

Shoresy, if your eye didn't look so funny,

I might be worried. - What's good?

What about our shoes and socks?

B'ys, let's start with our pants

and see how we feels. - No worries,

it's just you have to take your shoes off to take your pants off,

but we can put 'em right back on. That's easy.

I feel great.

Yo!

Can we go dance?

Is anybody else really hot?

- I'm really hot. - You too?

- Yeah. - Huh?

I'm really hot.

Like, really hot or just hot?

- Really hot. - Huh?

Lard Jaysus, I'm boilin' by the Lard Jaysus.

I think we should take our jackets off.

I don't wanna take my jacket off.

B'ys I took me jacket off

and I'm still hot by the jackal or Jaysus.

I like my jacket.

I took my shirt and jacket off,

and I'm still really hot. - Did you?

- Did I what? - Oh.

Yeah, I can see you took your jacket and shirt off.

B'ys I never been so hot as this.

I think it's my hair.

Know what?: Your hair, bud?

- Uh-huh. - On your head?

I think it's the hair.

What're you gonna do about it, old man?

Cut it off! Yeah!

You're gonna cut your hair off?

- Yeah. - On your head?

Wait... Yeah.

That's what's makin' ya cook, me son.

Starting to think I'm gonna be hot for the rest of my life

at this point. - You don't want that.

- Nope. - Gotta do somethin' about that.

I think I'm gonna cut my hair.

You know what I like about you, Michaels?

No, I have no idea!

Well, the apartment's right there.

Who's gonna cut your hair?

Yeah, like it's only really hot like, right there.

- The sides are good, old man? - The sides feel fine.

- Just like your eye? - It's just the top for me.

Yeah, like I wish the top felt like the sides.

Like, if the sides felt like the top

then we wouldn't be here. - We'd be in business.

- That's the pickle. - Let's just start with the top.

Here we go, Dolo.

- To start. - We got any OJ?

Yeah, like we don't wanna cut off more hair than we have to.

Be so dumb. - Yeah, we're not idiots.

I would just love a glass of Sunny Delight.

Yeah, Dolo, start with that and we'll see if he cools down.

Feel like I feel it already.

Night and day.

B'y, he really didn't cut that much.

Well, he better keep cuttin'.

That's it. - Yes, b'y.

That's the ticket.

Well, let's go!

It's like I'm still just like a wee bit hot.

Wanna go swimming?

What time is it?

Time for a beer.

We should be just crushin' beers.

Could use a beer.

- Yeah. - Jim?

- Yes. - Jim?

Safe to say, good fun was had

by all here, but I think we could've

picked a colder pool.

Probably all hands are peeing in here too, b'y.

- Yep. - Yep.

- Yes, sir. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I did it.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Just finishing one up here, actually.

I'm so fuckin' hot, I could take a header

into Ramsey Lake. - It's all ice, big guy.

Could use some ice.

Where's Laura tonight, Shoresy?

She said I'm too old for this.

She said she's too old for this?

No, she said I'm too old for this.

What do you think of that, old man?

Go 'til ya can't go no more!

Well then... let's go.

Where there's beers and ice.

♪ Never feeling is endless ♪

♪ I'm flying, I fly with no propellers ♪

♪ Too much on the line to risk the win ♪

♪ So I won't let the doors close within ♪

♪ The morning, the morning just turned to evening ♪

♪ The mirror, the mirror can tell that I'm leaving ♪

♪ The baby's just too strong to hold in ♪

♪ I'm on my way so don't change your PIN ♪

♪ So maybe I go home ♪

♪ So maybe I go home ♪

♪ So maybe I go home ♪

So, before we wrap up, I just wanna thank

everyone for coming out to today's webinar.

I see a lot of new faces, which is exciting.

So, hopefully,

next time, we can have a real face-to-face seminar.

- It is. - Why is this a webinar?

'Cause they're in school, idiot.

Any questions?

What happened to your hair?

Well, kids, we all make bad decisions in our lives,

but when we do, it's important we hold ourselves accountable.

We all made a bad decision by cutting our hair

like f...

friggin' idiots.

So, as punishment, we're not allowed to fix it

until we win the National Senior Tournament.

What if you don't win the tournament?

We stay ugly.

But maybe your moms text me just a little bit less.

Thanks, everyone!

Thank you.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Anyone hearin' how fucking

dumb these twins from 'Berta are?

Yeah.

The Freezer Twins,

Mike and Matt.

Yes.

No, I'm Mike.

Gentlemen, tell us the keys to the game.

What game?: Okay, Mike.

- Yes. - No.

How do you win this game tonight?

Skate, shoot.

- Stick handle. - Matt.

- Yes. - You're the best hitters

in the tournament. How many guys have you hurt so far?

But you're winless through two games

and a loss tonight to the Bulldogs would leave you

officially eliminated.

You've driven all the way from Brooks, Alberta.

What is that, 30 hours? - One time I did it in a day.

Doesn't have to be an exact number.

You're no doubt disappointed with the outcome.

Matt's cat died, too.

- You can ballpark it. - Okay. Switching gears.

How do you like Sudbury? - Ontario?

Holy shit.

Okay, you've hurt a lot of guys.

They've hurt a lot of guys.

Fuck am I happy to see you. - Fer what?

I had both Friesen twins today.

I hear they're just dumber than fuck.

If they were geese, they'd fly north for the winter.

Anik Archambault for BROdude Sports

with the captain of the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.

Shoresy, you're the heavy favorite going into this one.

A win would eliminate the Brooks Barrelmen.

How do you plan to knock off the twins from Alberta?

- They as dumb as I'm hearing? - No comment.

Well, we wanna get these guys on their heels early,

and if we're gonna do that, I think we hit 'em with a little

Grade 3 math. You know, multiplication tables,

adding three-digit numbers,

maybe some decimal placements in there, stuff like that.

- Wise. - Yeah, and if that doesn't

do it, I think maybe we hit 'em with some Grade 4 astronomy,

you know, planets in our solar system,

identifying the big dipper. We'll throw the whole

playbook at 'em. - Good plan.

Yep. And if that doesn't work,

if we still need a dagger, I think most of the boys

consider sex-ed teachable.

You're all rumored to be playing hurt except Frankie.

I'm sure the Bulldogs would like a little more outta him.

- Mm-hmm. - What about you, still hurt?

Just 'cause I can't push when I shit?

I heard rumblings, and now our audience has too.

What an entertainer. So, you ready to go?

- Go 'til you can't go no more. - Good luck.

Thanks, Anik.

Hey, hey.

You're gonna get it, Friesen!

You're gonna fuckin' get it, Friesen!

Give 'em the Jims, Sanguinet. - Not until we get the lead.

- You get that, Cor? - Hard to miss, Liam.

- What're we doin', Sanguinet? - Playing disciplined hockey.

Yeah, while they're out there runnin' around?

- This is playoff hockey. - No one comes in here

and runs around like that... - Stay disciplined.

- It doesn't add up. - Shut up!

Shut up and keep walkin'.

And what the fuck are you doin'?

Quoi?! Do something!

You're the only one not fuckin' hurt.

- Stay outta the box! - No one comes in here,

runs around like that, Sanguinet. - Score a fucking goal!

What happened to setting the tone?

You wanna win? Score a goal!

That's fuckin' interference! Yeah, Shoresy!

That's fuckin' interference!

He didn't fucking touch the puck.

No one comes in here and runs around like that,

Sanguinet. No one's ever come in here

and run around like that. - You wanna fight? Get the lead.

- Someone's gonna get hurt. - Score a goal!

Just send the Jims and send a fuckin' message.

Get the fuckin' lead.

Just set the tone in the first.

- Shut the fuck up, Shoresy. - Fuck you.

Fuck you.: You on Shoresy

and Sanguinet going at each other here?

Yeah, buddy.

Put out the fucking Jims!

How 'bout you get a fucking goal?

I've never seen 'em go at each other like that.

Attaboy, Goody! There's your lead, Sanguinet.

Get control of this fucking game.

- That's the ref's job. - You wanted a lead.

- It's one fucking goal. - It's a lead!

- That's not a fucking lead! - Holy fuck, Sanguinet!

Shut the fuck up, Shoresy.

Go Fishy, bury it.

Jims, go.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

- You wanted a lead. - You don't call the lines...

That's a fucking lead, Sanguinet.

- That's the worst fucking lead. - Are you fucking serious

right now, bud? - Two-goal lead is the worst

fucking lead in hockey. - You're the worst

fucking coach in hockey right now.

- Then you go. - Yeah, I fucking will go.

You should be coaching fucking soccer. Fuck's sake.

Sit him down, Sanger. He's too hurt.

- Now you too? - Friesen! Friesen!

Ya like your fuckin' teeth?

Hey, you like your fuckin' teeth?

I'll knock every single one outta your fuckin' mouth.

I'm not kiddin'. Keep fuckin' runnin' around.

See what fuckin' happens. I'll knock every fuckin' tooth...

Shoresy's out of his fuckin' mind right now.

- Keep it up. - Playin' with fire.

Try it. Keep runnin'. Keep fuckin' runnin'.

Hey, hey, hey!

Dolo! Dolo!

- We win? - Still a period to go, old man.

Shoresy...

You ready to be on TV?

I can't go.