Original subtitles

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN ON MESSAGE MACHINE)

You have reached Pope John Paul II.

I can't come to the phone right now,

but if you leave your name and a number

after the sound of the beep,

I'll get back to you as soon as heavenly possible.

(CHUCKLES)

Remember, please, wait for the beep.

Here she comes.

(BEEP)

Hello, Marcello? This is Phoebe.

I've been walking the streets trying to figure out exactly what I want to say to you,

and I finally figured out what I do want to say to you,

so I'm just going to say it the way I figured it out, okay?

I'm here in Rome.

I just spent every cent I had to get here,

so that we could spend the rest of our lives together.

Does that ring a bell, Marcello?

Boy, honest to God, I really thought you were different.

When you said you loved me, that night by the pool, I believed you.

I actually believe people when they say things like that.

Yeah, I bought it.

Old Phoebe gets burned again, but what else is new?

So, hey, I'm rambling, and...

(BEEP)

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

(SIGHS)

I'm having a bad day.

Hey!

(WHIMPERS)

That's my lunch!

(BARKS)

Oh, God! Ruined a perfectly good bun!

(BARKS)

(BARKS)

I have nothing more to give!

I'm sorry.

(BARKS)

JULIAN: I remember the day you signed me.

You said I was going to be the next Al Pacino.

But if you don't land me a job

before my next rent check is due,

I'm in serious trouble.

I think you should find another agent.

I'm sorry, Julian.

Hey, I should be the one to apologize.

You know me. I'm a chronic whiner.

I mean, it's like a hobby with me. You know that.

Goodbye, Julian. I wish you the best.

You're making a big mistake, Carla.

(DOG BARKS)

I'll tell you what, honey. I'll give you the whole weekend.

You think about it. I'll give you a call on Monday, all right?

If they haven't disconnected my phone by then.

(BARKS)

Hey, what am I sitting on a Milk-Bone now? Will you get out of here?

Does somebody own this thing, or what?

(GASPS)

Well, at least when I get back home, I can do summer stock...

A road show...

Maybe Cats again.

Ever see that? You would love that.

You know you're a very good listener?

Why can't you be a woman?

(GROWLS)

Whoa! Look at you!

Your mommy must be very loaded, huh?

Yo! Monte Carlo! Hey...

Oh, there she is. I've been looking all over for you.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

This is your dog?

Oh, you're American.

Julian Peters.

Uh, Phoebe.

Phoebe what?

Uh, Phoebe. Just Phoebe.

Just Phoebe? Like what... Like what? Just Cher?

Just Phoebe, like

"I don't want you to know the rest of my name. Just Phoebe."

Could I please have the dog?

Just Phoebe, I don't think she's your dog.

She is mine. She can't be.

Why would you say that? She's a he.

So I made a mistake.

Look...

Uh...

The dog is lost, and it's my aunt's,

and I'm returning the dog to her.

So could I please have the damn dog?

Uh-huh. Got a minute?

No.

Come on, have a seat. I'll buy you something.

You want some water? You like bubbles?

I'll get you some mineral water or something.

You know, I'm an actor.

Ah!

And I study, you know, human behavior.

And I smell money here.

Monte Carlo money.

I smell big reward.

What do you want?

50-50.

70-30, but on the condition that you don't speak to me once during the entire trip.

70-30 is hardly worth my time.

I'm in show business. I make that in an hour.

60-40, you got yourself a deal.

Now, how come your eyes are so red?

Have you been crying a little bit? A guy? You involved?

65-35, and I up my end every time you open your mouth.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yes! Red! Odd! Yes!

Marilyn, I'm hot. I'm up 16 million bucks.

Every minute we're not in Monte Carlo, we're losing a fortune.

Boy, if the casino knew that I had this system,

they'd hire hit men to stop me.

Why would someone sell you a foolproof system for $3?

$2. I talked the guy down, remember?

Well, if it's so great, why didn't he use it himself?

Marilyn, I told you, he was barred from the casino.

The man was a mathematician.

Neil, he was counting on his fingers.

That was the liquor. We caught him at a bad moment.

And don't second-guess me, Marilyn. You're way out of your league.

You know, I see an opportunity, I go for it.

And what difference does it make?

I could've bought it off a horse. The system works.

MAN: There is no system for roulette.

None. Believe me.

The only way to win in a casino is not to gamble.

Forgive me.

My name is Morosco. Augie Morosco,

and I've been a gambler my entire life.

I used to own three restaurants in New York.

I lost them all at roulette.

Then I went to Gamblers Anonymous

and discovered gambling was a disease.

Thankfully, they cured me. Yeah.

If you're not a gambler, how come you're on a train to Monte Carlo?

My wife is there on holidays.

She got me back in the business. Extremely wealthy.

Oh. So you married for money?

I did no such thing. I married for lots of money.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

Enjoy your stay in Monte Carlo.

Think about what I said.

You've got your health, a lovely woman...

Don't gamble.

(TSKING) Come.

Come.

You're a cute little guy, yes.

Up you go, there you go.

What a charming guy.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Excuse me! That's my dog!

What are you doing with my dog?

You must be mistaken. This is my dog.

No, you're mistaken. I found this dog this morning in Rome.

And I bought him an hour ago in the club car.

No, wait, wait, wait. That's impossible. Who'd you buy him from?

Some American. Now, if you'll excuse me,

we'll be arriving soon in Ventimiglia,

and I haven't completed my toilette.

So, what else, what else, what else?

Hey, you might have seen me in Godfather III.

Major motion picture.

Granted, it was a small part, but I got very good notices.

You sold the dog?

I not only sold the dog... Excuse me, darlin'.

I not only sold the dog, but I got $6,000.

That's $1,000 more than the woman who owns him would pay.

You would've done the same thing.

No, Julian, I wouldn't have.

He's not ours to sell.

We promised that woman we'd return her dog

and I don't believe in making promises I can't keep!

I don't see my name on that check.

Who was he supposed to make it out to, "Julian Peters and Phoebe"?

What are we, a trapeze act?

And I was going to share the money with you anyway.

Yeah, right.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes! This is the man.

Here's your check. Sorry for the confusion.

Oh, there's no confusion. I don't want the check. I want the dog.

You can buy 10 dogs for that price. Why this one?

Well, my wife has a female of this breed.

She was looking for a male.

Apparently, I won't do.

Mister, I need this dog. Please, take your check back.

I'm sorry. A deal is a deal.

Besides I already promised the dog he'll get laid.

Customs.

Whose dog is this?

Mine. It's ours.

As you can see, sir, the dog belongs to me.

Do you have the dog's papers?

Papers?

If you don't have papers, you must leave the train

and have the dog examined by a veterinary authority.

It's their dog. I was just letting him lick me.

(CHUCKLES) Good night.

Good night.

Get your luggage, please.

Get the bags.

PHOEBE: Yoo-hoo, signore!

I'm still interested in the dog.

Would you excuse me? I'm being kicked off this train.

I'd like to ask the conductor to slow it down.

If the owner should have a change of heart,

come to me in Monte Carlo. I'll take the dog off your hands.

Augie Morosco.

L'Hotel de Paris.

Thank you.

Madame Van Dougen? This is Julian Peters again.

(VAN DOUGEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

No, we just got held up

because, you know, we had to have a veterinarian examine him

because we didn't have his papers.

A veterinarian.

Uh, to ex...

A veterinarian. You know, a doctor de puppy,

to examine him so we can cross the border.

No, he's in perfect health, he really is.

He's there? Of course he's here.

May I speak with him? No, he's at a cafe.

Oh, I liked to speak to him, please. You want to talk to him?

All right, sure.

Hang on.

Hmm. Nice life.

(VAN DOUGEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BARKS)

Did you hear that?

Yeah, he lit up at the sound of your voice.

Now, listen, you know, we missed the last train so we have to take a bus.

A bus.

A busso. Busso?

Bustee. Bussee. Bustee?

Ah, the bus. The bus, right.

So we'll be there in a little while, about 1:00.

Come now, please. We can come over,

but isn't that a little late for...

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Madame Van Dougen?

Are... Are you sick?

Ooh!

What? Is she having sex now? Ooh! Aah!

Madame Van... Are you okay?

(SPEAKING FRENCH FRANTICLY)

Madame Van Dougen, can you just talk a little slower?

I'm having trouble understanding.

Madame Van Dougen?

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Hello?

Oh, Neil, you're missing this!

It's so beautiful!

It's so romantic.

Romantic, right.

Look, honey, you're going to take forever.

Why don't you just meet me in the casino?

I'll only be a couple of minutes.

(SIGHS) Marilyn, don't torture me.

You make me sit here while you try to figure out what you're going to wear!

Come on, I'm itching to hit the tables!

Neil, is that our trip money?

I'm not going to leave $5,000 in cash sitting in a hotel room.

We're in Europe. These people'll rob you blind.

Neil, promise me that you won't gamble with our trip money.

I promise, I promise!

Okay!

Like I'm gonna blow $5,000 gambling.

Like I'm some kind of idiot or something.

Come on.

I'm thinking about wearing the Versace sample.

The black one with the sequins?

(CHUCKLING) Dream on, Mare.

Maybe five years ago, huh?

(GARGLING)

Oh, hey, don't forget to hide...

Hide the garment bag under the bed. Right.

And don't let the hangers stick out this time, all right?

And listen, don't order any more of that bottled water at 14 bucks a pop.

You can drink out of the tap.

Neil, have I since the day you met me

ever done anything right?

Of course, doll.

You married me.

Thank you, Neil. You're always so supportive,

so giving.

Baby, wish me luck.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Merci.

700,000, please.

Monsieur.

Thank you.

Um...

Fifty francs.

Fifty? Yeah.

I'll have to get the smaller markers.

Fine.

They use them in the children's casino.

Just give me the markers!

Fifty.

Wait, you made a mistake. I said 5,000.

Francs? Dollars. U.S. dollars.

(CHUCKLES) The guy thought I said 50 francs.

Are you finish?

No. Are you Swedish?

(CHUCKLING) Am I finished?

I've just begun!

Am I finished?

No way, big boy!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Cigarette?

No, thanks, I don't smoke.

Ah, it is a weakness, I know.

For me, one of many, I'm afraid,

not the least of which is a beautiful woman such as yourself.

Thank you. I'm married.

Interesting. The married woman.

One of life's misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

Peron de la Pena at your service, madame.

I think I'd better find my husband.

You may call me Alfonso.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

The ugly American is betting on red!

Red, baby! Red, baby! Red, red, red.

Red, baby, red, baby, red, red, red.

NEIL: Come on. My system says it's red, and it's red.

Rouge! Yes! Yes, I love it! I love it! I love it!

Bring it over here, bring it over here, bring it over here.

Hey, I won it! I won it! DEALER: Sir, please! Please. Please.

Okay. Okay, I just want to make sure because I'm American.

I know you hate Americans, but just remember

if it wasn't for us, you'd be speaking German right now!

So give me my chips. Monsieur, martini?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Martini, martini, yes.

That's 100 bucks, buddy.

That's a damn good tip for a martini, huh? Thank you, monsieur.

All right, we're cooking now.

Thank you, sir. This is for you, my dear.

Get a T-shirt for those, will you?

All right, let's see, what's in my system?

Hey, keep your face out of my system.

This cost me a fortune.

Oh, boy, Marilyn, this is working like a charm.

Marilyn! Hello, Neil.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yes, yes, I'm betting. I'm going to bet on black.

Black, black. American on black.

Well, what do you think?

Well, it's not you, honey. It's not you. That's all.

But that's what I like about it.

Honey, you're hanging out all over the place!

You're going to catch something.

What? DEALER: Rouge.

Rouge?

Red.

Rats!

Honey, I knew you'd do that to me.

(STAMMERING) Don't hang around, okay? You're jinxing me.

You're jinxing me. The look is jinxing me. That thing's jinxing me.

You're jinxing me. Go. Go, will you? Go... Go play the slots.

Go get a drink or something. Have fun. This is Monte Carlo!

Come on, it's a gambling place.

Change your clothes! Put a T-shirt on for Christ's...

Did you see the way she was hanging out all over the place?

Black! Black! Black!

Ah, the married woman.

One of life's misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

Do you like to gamble? Yes.

Do you have cash?

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

It's merely a game of chance.

One gambles for the sake of gambling.

You pick a number.

Me? You.

Oh, no, but I couldn't... I don't know... I never did...

Of course, I'll lose anyway.

Really? You can do me no harm. Really.

You sure? Really, I'm sure.

Okay. 13. Okay.

13? It's no good?

Oh, no, no. 13 is fine! 13 is fine.

Lucky 13.

You are American. Yes. New Jersey.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's really not that bad.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no. I mean, I am sorry I have not introduced myself.

I am Hercules Popodopoulos.

From Athens.

Marilyn Schwary. From Newark.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Fantastic!

We win! I won! I won!

I won.

2,000 francs?

I'm sorry. Is the amount not adequate?

What, are you planning on bringing friends?

Listen, mister,

maybe this is what hookers look like in Greece,

but I'm no hooker, I'm a housewife.

We do it for free!

But, madame... Cherie... Please, please.

This is your share of the winnings.

It is customary.

I win, you benefit.

Look, you must risk this marker

on a turn of the wheel.

Please?

Please...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

13.

13?

13.

13.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

MARILYN: Oh, my gosh!

HERCULES: Extraordinary! Again! I don't believe it!

Nothing like this has ever happened to me!

Madame, cherie, you now have 70,000 francs.

In dollars.

That is 14,000 American dollars.

$14,000?

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Madame, the table awaits.

And if I bet it all on 13 again,

I'll have...

Half a million dollars.

Half a million dollars!

Or nothing.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I can't.

At the gaming table, as in life,

risking all takes great courage.

I'm going to shoot the works on 13.

(MAN GASPS)

Madame, I admire your insouciance.

Well, it's the dress. It shows everything.

Oh, I'm starving.

If I had a barbecue, I'd eat the dog.

Oh, is that supposed to be funny?

Oh! You're listening!

You know, that's the first time she actually spoke to me

since we crossed the border?

Huh?

Okay, look,

let's call a truce. What do you say?

Okay, how's this for an idea?

We get the reward money, we come back here,

I'll buy us a lovely dinner, a little champagne...

Look, Julian, don't waste my time.

There's absolutely no chance I'd get involved with you.

It's beyond out of the question.

This is a business deal.

Let's stick to business.

Who said anything about getting involved?

Sweetheart, I got news for you.

I'm hot as a pistol and the last thing I need

is to be seen with a woman wearing tights from Chernobyl.

Do you ever shut up?

Oh, what a wit.

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

What do I have to do to get a drink in this place?

Black, baby. Black, baby. It's got to be black.

Black, baby. Come on home. Black, black, black!

(DEALER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Rouge? Wait! Wait, somebody moved my bet.

I distinctly remember betting on red! Monsieur. Monsieur.

Sir, it was on red. What?

Please, lower your voice. You're in Monte Carlo.

Okay, frog nuts, I know where I am.

We're rollin', we're rollin'...

♪ Rollin' on a river

Yeah!

All right, what's happening here? Morosco.

AUGIE: Talk to me! Talk to me!

Ah, rouge! I love you. Rouge, I love you.

Hey, hi. Remember me? I'm Neil Schwary.

No!

36, 36, 3 and 4. A triangle!

Get away from me. What are you doing here?

I was on the train with you. You had the dog. I had my wife. Remember?

No! Now beat it!

Where did it land? I'll take it!

Leave it there! This is my number!

Buy a hat! There you go.

What's happening? Talk to me, folks! Talk to me. How am I doing?

Hello! Woo-hoo!

You won that? Oh, this is mine!

This is my night!

I'm rolling like a hunchback doing somersaults!

Yes! Yes! You're gambling!

Get away from me!

What about Gamblers Anonymous?

I'm in the power of a force much greater than myself!

Yes, I know that feeling.

Yes.

29! Splits.

$100,000.

$100,000... Please!

Please. I need your help. Goodbye.

Wait! Bet for me, too.

I'll play the same numbers as you.

Goodbye!

I'm desperate!

All right, I'm a man of compassion. Give me your money.

I'm broke. Bye.

Wait. Lend me enough for the first bet. Please.

I gambled away a fortune tonight.

I might have to sell my business.

You know how that is. You've been there, Morosco. Please!

All right, all right. Stop groveling.

I don't mind. Stand up.

You're a great man, Morosco.

Tonight I'm going to make you a rich man, Neil Schwary.

Yes! Yes!

But first I must find the little boys' room.

And lose precious time?

Waiter! Bring this man a cup! Oui, monsieur.

Uh-oh.

NEIL: Who's that?

AUGIE: It's my wife.

My condolences.

Oh...

Ah, Elena, darling...

Augie, what are you doing?

Oh, I just thought I'd come through the casino and say hi to the staff.

Mmm... I thought maybe I'd lay down a little bet.

7 on 27 now! Yes!

Augie, you're incorrigible.

You don't even come to the hotel.

You get off the train and come directly here?

Elena, you don't understand. I'm on a roll!

Shoot the works!

Yes! Yes! Okay, I'm putting more on 7...

Look at you, dirty, sweaty.

You probably haven't eaten.

Yes, I did! I ate a marker.

And double the bet! NEIL: Double the bet!

Double the bet! Double the bet!

Yes! These are mine.

I don't know what to say to you anymore.

I wait for you, you don't show up.

Come to me, baby!

I worry. I call the hospital, the police.

I say to myself, "He can't be at the casino.

"He promised me!"

NEIL: Come on! Come on! Come on!

7! Red! We win!

NEIL: I can't believe it!

I've had enough.

The gentleman's cup.

Get a bigger cup! Don't insult the man.

How do I compete with this addiction?

500,000 francs! 500,000 francs!

Yes!

(NEIL AND AUGIE EXCLAIMING)

500,000! 500,000 francs!

(BOTH CHEERING)

AUGIE: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Tonight we break the bank in Monte Carlo!

Yes!

Try the gate.

Maybe she left it open for us?

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, come on, she must have, like, a $50,000 security system here, huh?

I mean, she's going to leave the front gate open?

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Madame Van Dougen!

(BELL RINGING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JULIAN: Madame Van Dougen!

It's Julian Peters!

And Phoebe.

We brought your dog!

(WHIMPERS)

Madame Van Dougen!

Check out the side of the house.

What, are you on crutches?

Just check out the side of the house.

I study acting.

Ten years.

And I wind up a whipping boy for a she-demon.

Oh, this whole Europe thing is a mistake.

I could be at a Yankee game now.

Instead, I'm checking out Freddy Krueger's villa.

(BIRD SHRIEKS)

Madame Van Dougen!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

All right. Okay.

(EXCLAIMS)

PHOEBE: Oh!

Yikes.

Phoebe.

Phoebe.

Phoebe!

Phoebe! PHOEBE: Over here.

You could have at least left me a note.

There's a bracelet.

A what? A bracelet.

Yeah?

It is a bracelet. A very expensive bracelet.

Leave it.

Why?

Because it doesn't belong to us.

There could be a reward for this, too.

You know, this could be like a little cottage industry.

Okay, pull.

Oh, it's stuck.

Pull harder.

(BOTH GASP)

Is that what I think it is?

It's a hand. A hand! What kind of hand?

A hand attached to a dead body, that kind of hand.

Aah!

I've never seen a dead hand before!

Oh, get in line!

PHOEBE: Oh, God!

I broke her fingers! I broke her fingers!

Believe me, that's the least of our problems!

Come on, we got to get out of here!

Is she dead?

Come on! Now! Now! Now!

Wait. My suitcase!

Well, then get it, but hurry!

My suitcase.

Oh, I'll go because I'm a man.

(DOG BARKING)

Would you put a muzzle on that thing?

(SHUSHING)

Is this, uh, Versailles?

I, uh...

Without my glasses, I'm...

I'm as blind as a bat,

but, uh, hey, you know,

as long as you have your health.

Where is it? Where's my suitcase?

Just a couple of feet past the killer.

What do you mean? The killer's here?

His eyes and feet are. I'm assuming the rest.

(PHOEBE EXCLAIMS)

Oh, after you.

(DOG BARKS)

How much for the shoes?

I am sorry, monsieur. Casino policy.

We do not accept articles of clothing.

(EXCLAIMS) My heart!

My foot.

Sir, could you get my tip back from that waiter?

You seem like a nice guy.

I lost everything! I cashed checks!

I drained my bank accounts!

I told him the only way to win at a casino is not to gamble.

You also told me to cash my checks!

What did you listen to me for? I'm a man with an illness!

Oh, don't let him die!

I want the pleasure of killing him myself!

Is that so? Yes!

Is that so? Yes!

What do want to do, Schwary, have a fistfight?

Yeah! I want to kick your loser..., Morosco!

Come on, let's go! Your size don't scare me!

All right! But not here in the promenade.

Fine! Where, then?

You see that park over there? Where?

(GRUNTS)

(MEN SPEAKING FRENCH)

PHOEBE: I think we should call the police!

JULIAN: Absolutely not!

Come on, there... There's been a murder!

Phoebe, we could be suspects!

We're not suspects. We're witnesses!

We're foreigners.

We're dead broke, desperate for money.

We're bringing this rich woman's dog to a villa at 1:00 in the morning.

She doesn't answer.

We find a bracelet 'cause we're snooping around.

We pull on it. It leads to a hand.

Come on, who's going to believe that story?

Mother Teresa wouldn't even buy it. Forget about it.

They're going to handcuff us. They're going to fingerprint us.

Their gonna take us in for interrogation.

So, could we just move? Really.

This is crazy. We haven't done anything wrong.

Why are we running?

You have any idea what the French legal system is like, huh?

It's a nightmare.

We don't speak the language. We don't understand the rules.

They'll get us some public defender.

We'll spend years in jail before the case even goes to trial.

I'll never get an acting job.

I mean, casting directors will always think of me as the Van Dougen murderer.

I mean... We have to call the police.

If the killer's still there, we'll catch him, okay?

And then I can get my suitcase back.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

We won't identify ourselves.

Once we read they've arrested somebody, then we'll come forward, okay?

I think that's the smartest thing.

Okay.

And don't ever kiss me that way again, or any way.

Just no kissing, period!

Oh, God.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Toussaint.

JULIAN: I'd like to report a murder.

What?

(SNAPS FINGERS)

JULIAN: Hello?

Did you say murder?

(IMITATING ITALIAN ACCENT) Yes. That's right, a murder.

TOUSSAINT: You're Italian? That's correct. I'm Italiano, si.

What's your name?

My name?

Balboa. Rocky Balboa.

So listen. The body, it's at the Villa Van Dougen.

Boulevard Kandinsky, numero 17. Come on!

And if you hurry, you can catch the killer. Killer?

The killer, yes. I saw his feet.

How many? Two of them.

Two killers? No, not two killers. Two feet.

I'm talking to an idiot.

No, he isn't. They're tracing the call!

Ciao.

God! Well, excuse me. I panicked.

I'm talking to the police!

I mean, to me, every authority figure is still my vice principal.

A letter would've been faster. God!

Will you relax? I've worked in enough police films

to know that they can't trace a phone call that quickly.

(SIREN WAILING)

So they weren't French.

PHOEBE: Oh...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh, God. He's giving them a description.

That's you.

I wish.

(DOG GROWLS)

The dog.

We're dead. Let's go.

I can't believe we lied to the police.

I feel like a fugitive.

It's like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing. If we keep walking around with this dog,

we might as well be wearing T-shirts that say "Hi, we're the killers."

You're right.

I really hate to do this.

Sorry. Take care of yourself.

What did you do?

I got rid of the dog. Let's go.

(DOG BARKING)

You also got rid of our meal ticket.

I could've sold him to that guy on the train. $6,000.

My birth control pills.

I never thought I'd actually say this,

but there is a time and a place.

They're in my suitcase. So?

My name is on the prescription.

You got a problem. We have to go back.

What, are you insane? The police are probably swarming the place by now.

If the police are still there, we'll leave.

What about the killer?

You think the killer's going to hang around all night?

I don't know. I don't know what his social life is like.

(SIGHS) Look, we have no choice. We have to go back.

Let me be honest with you.

It's been a very interesting 12 hours.

I think you're a good chick down deep. Very smart.

But I wouldn't go back if my birth control pills were there.

Fine. I'll go myself.

It's nothing personal.

(STUTTERING) I just know that prison guards and me are not a good mix.

I got it.

So nice meeting you.

Yeah, you, too. Good luck.

Oh...

Oh, God.

(SIGHS)

She's going to leave me.

I know she's going to leave me.

Yeah, she's going to leave me. She'll divorce me.

She won't take me, though, because I got nothing for her to take!

(SNIFFS)

She'll get remarried.

Some handsome guy with a car and a car phone.

Suits.

(CRYING) Take her out for the anniversary of our divorce.

She'll get remarried

and be happier than she ever was with me.

And what do I become?

Me, Neil Schwary?

A flaky gambler... Loser ex-husband.

Yeah, I'll wear that the rest of my life.

(SNIFFS)

Oh...

God, it's me. Neil Schwary.

I really need your help.

I know I'm not a churchgoing man,

but if you want, I'll switch my golf games to Saturday.

No sweat.

Look, I know you don't perform a lot of miracles anymore,

but, boy, what I wouldn't give for a suitcase full of cash.

Thank you.

Hello, Neil. How'd you do?

NEIL: Me?

I, uh...

I, uh...

Well, I'd say I, uh, broke about even.

What's that?

This?

This, uh, is, uh...

Well, at one point, the casino ran out of money,

and they started giving out luggage.

(CHUCKLES)

Giving out luggage? What are you talking about?

Luggage.

Bags.

Suitcases.

I stole it, okay?

I didn't break even.

I lost. I lost big.

I lost everything. Our trip money, our savings.

Oh, Marilyn, I'm so sorry.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'll make it up to you, I swear.

I'll do anything you ask.

I'll... I'll listen to you when you talk.

I'll look at your little drawings.

I'll take you to the mall and never point to my watch again.

Anything you want. Foreplay. Anything.

Just don't leave me. I don't think I can take it.

Why, Neil, would you steal a suitcase, huh?

(WHIMPERING)

Answer, please.

I don't know.

I don't know, Marilyn.

I thought maybe there'd be something in it.

Cash.

Something we could sell.

I have some money, Neil.

Marilyn, you don't understand!

Money?

Where'd you get money?

I put it aside.

Knowing in my heart what a fool you were.

Knowing you were capable of gambling away our trip money,

knowing you had the self-destructive nature to lose our savings,

and come crawling in here with some lame-brain scheme

to save yourself.

You knew that about me?

(CHUCKLES)

Marilyn.

You're brilliant, Marilyn.

Don't ever let me tell you you're anything less.

You mean like, don't ever let you call me pygmy brain again?

Oh, Marilyn, how do you put up with me?

You are an angel, sent from heaven.

My brilliant, darling wife.

How much money did you put aside?

If you could lend it to me... Maybe just a portion of it,

I could go back to the casino...

(GRUNTS)

Stupid idea!

God, you're beautiful.

We have to return the suitcase, Neil.

Yes!

Yes. I know.

You're taking this very well, Marilyn.

(SCREAMS)

What is it? Marilyn, what is it?

(SCREAMS)

No! No!

No, no, no!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Honey, you're not going to scream, okay?

Don't scream, okay? Don't scream, okay?

(SCREAMS)

Shut up.

Shut up, Marilyn! Be quiet, please!

Oh! Oh, my...

What are you trying to do, kill me? No, ma'am!

You want two dead women on your hands?

No, definitely not!

I can't breathe. I need a glass of water.

Get me a glass of water!

Get me a glass of water! Water. Water. Water.

I married a moron! What an idiot! Water... Water.

Forget the vacation. Vacation's shot to hell!

Oh, God.

What's wrong with this glass?

We got to get out of here.

Dead body parts!

Calm down. Calm down!

Help me pack. We got to get out of here!

Right! We'll leave the body here and we'll get the hell out!

We're taking it with us. Marilyn, don't be an idiot!

You just steal a suitcase with a dead woman inside and you call me an idiot?

We can't leave the body here. We're registered in this hotel.

Right! Very smart! Good thinking!

From now on, Neil,

I call the shots. Understand? Perfectly.

I don't want to hear what you think we should do... Fine.

Or why you think we should do it. Okay.

I want you to shut up and take orders. Is that clear?

Completely!

Okay, so what do we do?

We got to ditch the body, hop a train, and blow this pop stand.

I like it! I like it a lot!

Neil! I'll shut up.

(GASPS)

Look, look. Okay, look,

I don't know why I'm here.

I... You know, I don't know why I came back.

I'm confused, but let's just get the damn suitcase and go.

Okay.

(STUTTERING) No, no, no. You better stay here, just in case.

I'll be fine.

No, no, really. You stay here.

And if anything should happen, God forbid,

run, okay?

Okay.

You know, feel free to talk me out of this if you want.

Julian...

Thanks.

BONNARD: Stop right there! Police!

Don't shoot! I'm an actor!

BONNARD: What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

BONNARD: How did you get in? Through the gate.

BONNARD: It was open? It's always open.

BONNARD: Then you've been here before?

No, no.

BONNARD: What are you trying to steal?

Steal? Nothing. I'm no thief.

I'm certainly no murderer.

Murder?

Who said anything about murder?

I don't know. Stephen King?

Where's the body?

I don't know. I only saw her hand. Whose hand?

Madame Van Dougen's.

How do you know it was Madame Van Dougen's?

I don't know. I'm just guessing. It's a common name.

Where's the body?

What am I, a mortician?

Where is the body?

In the garage.

What is this?

This? This is an ankle bracelet, actually.

I like to wear it over my pants

or thrown kind of casually in a cuff. Either way.

I mean, it may be too trendy a look for you...

And the initials on the clasp are yours?

Of course they're my initials.

I mean, they're not the initials of my name, per se,

but they're initials that have special meaning to me,

something of personal significance.

There are no initials.

But I congratulate you on being a very fine actor.

There is nothing.

I believe you will need an attorney, monsieur.

An attorney?

What I need is an agent.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, boy. Mmm.

(SIREN WAILING)

(OFFICER SPEAKING FRENCH)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

You see, Toussaint,

guilt or innocence is quite often not the issue.

Persuading the suspect to say what you want is.

How so?

Because they tend to lie anyway,

even if they are blameless.

It's human nature, the fear of self-incrimination.

Only when they have painted themselves into a corner

or when you have carefully guided them there,

do they point the finger in the proper direction.

Put it away. Put it away. Inspector?

Inspector, we have a witness.

Merci.

Monsieur, monsieur, I am Inspector Bonnard.

Tell me, please, exactly what did you see?

A man, a woman, and a dog.

They went inside the gate

and a few minutes later, they ran out,

like their britches were on fire.

I see. What time was this?

1:00, 1:30.

Look at this man's face.

(EXCLAIMS)

Is this the man you saw?

Yes, this is he.

This guy's blind.

Were you here earlier in the evening? No.

Are you traveling with a woman and a dog? No.

Would you be able to identify the dog?

Yes, of course. It was a dachshund.

Good. So, you've never been here before?

And you're traveling alone?

We must find the dog.

The dog is the key.

JULIAN: Why would I want to kill somebody?

BONNARD: Quiet.

JULIAN: You got the wrong guy.

BONNARD: Be quiet.

I heard you the first time. What are you, a parrot?

BONNARD: You talk English?

Are you Charlie Chan?

BONNARD: Take him to the car.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

Pregnant.

I, too, have a bracelet I'd like to show you.

I hope they fit,

because it is my duty, monsieur, to inform you

that you are under arrest on suspicion of murder.

Get a porter!

Porter! Porter!

(PORTER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Porter, come... Come here.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Where is it going, monsieur?

Marilyn, where is it going?

What is the longest trip they can take from this station?

Madrid. It's going to Madrid.

That's too much money! Pay him!

Oh, God, I love you. Yes!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I've married a genius.

Button your shirt. You look like your mother. I'm sorry.

We're moving, we're moving, we're moving, Marilyn.

We're moving. We're moving. You did it.

We're free!

(EXCLAIMS)

Monsieur, your suitcase was going on the wrong train.

BOTH: No, no, no!

We don't want it. Thank you very much.

No! No! Merci!

(BOTH CLAMORING)

Hi.

(SIGHS)

Neil.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTING)

Aah!

What? Oh!

(SIGHS)

Yes! Ow!

Yes, yes.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLING)

(GRUNTING)

A tunnel.

How do you say in French?

Les tunnel is la scary.

(CHUCKLES)

You're brilliant.

Anything to declare?

Just my love and respect for your fine country.

Vive la France!

Which one is your suitcase, monsieur?

It's gone!

It was right there.

You know, there's something fishy about this guy if you ask me.

This here, is my suitcase.

Open it, please.

Sure. Yeah. It's just a regular old suitcase.

I got it for Christmas one year.

I travel a lot with it.

Let's see what we have in here.

Same old things. Shirts, underwear, socks.

Oh, honey, you didn't forget your diaphragm.

Whose suitcase is this?

I have no idea. None.

I've never seen it before. Have you, darling?

Oh, the suitcase? Uh, no. Never. Never.

They're lying!

I saw the porter give it to them.

Hey, look, this guy's been asleep through six countries.

He saw nothing.

Silence.

(GRUNTING)

I wouldn't open that if I were you.

It has a very odd smell.

Peek-a-boo.

Good morning, Alfonso.

What an invigorating morning, eh?

And what an exciting woman you are.

I must say you look particularly beautiful this morning.

Even more radiant than you did last night.

Alfonso.

I can't help myself.

From the moment I first saw you,

the light shimmering off your safety deposit box...

Alfonso... My love?

The strangest thing is happening.

Yes, I know. I feel it also.

Two hearts beating as one.

Out there, Alfonso, out there.

Out there?

That woman is trying to kill a dog.

Call the police.

Call the police. You heard madame.

And a bottle of champagne.

Aah!

How long have you been the maid and butler for Madame Van Dougen?

Thirty-one years.

Thirty-two in May.

You always leave her here alone at night?

Never. We've been here every weeknight for 31 years.

Thirty-two in May.

And what about last night? You weren't here.

No. No? Why not?

We got a call earlier in the day.

About my sister.

It was a man.

He said Brenda had been in a car accident in Saint Cloud Sur Mer.

We left on the 7:50 train.

Was your sister badly injured?

No. There was no accident.

The phone call was just a stupid hoax.

Perhaps to get us out of the house.

Perhaps. Sit down.

Inspector? Of course. Sit down.

You left the villa at what time?

MAID: 6:30.

And what did you do before you departed?

We prepared Madame Van Dougen's evening meal.

A little minestrone soup, some cheese toast.

You did nothing else?

No, nothing.

Everything seemed normal to you before you left?

Completely.

Madame.

Madame Van Dougen lived with her daughter or granddaughter, correct?

Oh, no. She lived alone.

Then to whom do these belong?

To Madam Van Dougen.

(EXCLAIMS)

(WHIMPERING)

You see, she was quite petite.

That's why she liked everything around her to be so small.

Including her doggy.

Ah, yes. The dachshund.

Madame Van Dougen lost him

(TOUSSAINT MOANING) a week ago in Rome.

Two Americans found him

and they were supposed to return him yesterday evening.

(DOOR OPENING) A man and a woman?

(DOOR CLOSING) Yes.

Tell me, have you ever heard of a man named Augie Morosco?

(TOUSSAINT WHISTLING)

No, never.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Very good.

I'll be right there.

We have found the elusive dachshund.

Monsieur commissaire.

Monsieur commissaire.

She was trying to drown the dog.

That's not true! I was giving him a bath!

BONNARD: Is this your dachshund? Yes, it is.

BONNARD: He has a name?

Yes, he does. A great name, as a matter of fact.

Sparky. His name is Sparky.

I named him after a dog that I loved

that got run over by a truck. I was 11, but...

Call him. Hmm?

Call the dog.

Sparky?

(CHUCKLES)

Sparky.

Sparky.

Up, fella. Up! Come on.

Hmm?

Move, Sparky!

Deaf. Very deaf.

The dog can't hear.

Send them in.

Napoleon!

(BARKING)

Dear Lord, he can hear!

My little love.

Oh, baby.

(EXCLAIMING)

BONNARD: Thank you very much.

Please wait in the corridor.

(SIGHING)

(NAPOLEON BARKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SOBBING) It's a miracle.

What are you doing in Monte Carlo, mademoiselle?

I'm... a tourist.

I just wanted to check out Monte Carlo.

You know, I'd heard a lot about it,

but I never really understood if it was a part of France or what.

I mean, it's nice. I like it a lot.

Unbelievably clean, like Disney World.

And are you in Monte Carlo alone?

(SIGHS)

That depends. What did you have in mind?

Answer the question!

I'm sorry. I'm so nervous.

What was the question?

I want the truth.

Oh...

Okay.

The truth is, he is my dog,

but just since yesterday.

That's when I found him.

(STUTTERING) So, he was my dog, but just for a day.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GASPS)

Do you know this man?

Uh, this man?

No. No, I don't.

Do you know this woman?

Never saw her before in my life.

Then what was her picture doing in your wallet?

That picture comes with every wallet.

Be silent. If I want to play games, I'll go to the casino.

You had my picture in your wallet?

You are both suspects in a murder case.

Everything you told me is lies,

one after the other.

You are the American couple

who was returning Madame Van Dougen's dog, right?

Yes!

He said not to tell you the truth

because you wouldn't believe us.

See, Julian? It's fine.

They know who we are.

God, what a relief.

I was getting so panicked.

Well, hey, we'll get out of your hair.

You got things on your plate, you got a murder to solve...

We're not quite finished.

We found this matchbook

by Madam Van Dougen's garage.

On it is written the name Augie Morosco.

L'Hotel de Paris.

Is this your matchbook?

No. I don't even smoke.

Just now in the hall he asked for a cigarette.

All right, I smoke occasionally, like when I'm arrested.

Look, it is my matchbook, I got it from a man on a train.

Inspector... Yes.

We found their accomplices.

Take them away.

No.

Come on. Come on. Let's go. PHOEBE: Accomplices?

NEIL: I'm getting claustrophobic in here!

You got to let me out!

Let me out of here, man!

Ow!

Man! You call this a police car?

I had a boil removed bigger than this!

Put a lid on it, Neil.

You know, this is just the sort of thing

that's gonna kill your tourism industry, pal!

And once your tourism falls, your economy collapses,

and then what's the Prince going to do?

He's going to have to get a real job!

He's going to be bummed out about that!

NEIL: Get your French paws off me!

I got all your badge numbers!

You're all going to be named in a major lawsuit!

Neil, will you shut up!

I demand to see the American Consul.

I demand our legal rights.

We are citizens of the United States of America.

Think about that!

Think about this!

Think about spending the rest of your life in a cell 6 feet by 8 feet,

surrounded by the dregs of humanity.

Think about that.

You don't scare me.

You got nothing on us.

Nothing. You were stopped by customs

with a dead body chopped up in your suitcase.

And you call that nothing?

All right, I'll give you that.

But that doesn't mean we killed her.

I mean, that suitcase isn't even ours.

Sir, we have no idea who the dead woman is

or how she got into that suitcase.

I want the whole story. Leave out nothing. I want every detail.

Sit down.

Toussaint.

Okay, all right.

My name is Neil Schwary, and this is my wife, Marilyn.

Enchante.

And, uh... Well, I'm in the clothing business.

And I come to Europe twice a year.

I look at all the big labels,

the Armanis, Chanels, Versaces, and...

Well, I, uh, buy a few of 'em,

improve on 'em a little bit

and then I knock 'em off for a third of the price.

My wife usually doesn't travel with me,

but this being our 10th anniversary, I...

I thought it was a wonderful opportunity

to see your very beautiful country.

And it is very beautiful.

Oh, yeah. You French really do it up right.

Confine yourself to the facts.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Monsieur Morosco.

Your flowers. Oh, merci, Joubert.

And my wife?

She's having breakfast at the Cafe de Paris, monsieur.

Very good. What kind of mood is she in?

Mood?

Did she have weapons?

Roses won't stop a bullet.

She seemed relaxed.

Relaxed? Interesting.

Merci, Joubert.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, darling, thank you.

They're beautiful.

You're looking much better than you did last night, Augie.

(EXCLAIMING) That's because today I'm a new man.

Next time it won't be gas. It'll be the real thing.

Oh, such devotion. Ah.

(ANIMAL SQUEALING) Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, Elena, last night changed my life.

This time I'm cured.

I'll never gamble again.

Not if it means losing the woman I love.

Augie, did you know Madame Van Dougen?

That reptile? Of course I knew her.

Three months ago in baccarat she won a fortune from me.

I could have killed her.

Somebody did. Hmm?

They found her body in a suitcase, hacked to pieces.

Murder?

No, suicide.

Of course it was murder.

They arrested four Americans in the case.

They're still looking for the mastermind.

Get away from me. Inspector?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Get away from me.

Of course.

(SHUDDERING)

Don't worry, Madame Schwary.

It is now empty.

Sit down.

Don't we have rights?

Do you know these two?

Never seen them before.

Me, either.

And you? BOTH: No.

Hey, you found my suitcase!

(CLEARING THROAT) I mean, it looks like my suitcase.

I'm not exactly sure.

Thank you.

You may go now.

By the way, love the gruel.

OFFICER: Come on. Come on.

Inspector, we would've come to the police right away,

but we were just so afraid.

Madame Schwary,

you have every reason to be afraid.

Wait a minute.

I couldn't have done it.

At the time this woman was murdered,

I was with somebody else.

The guy I told you about, the gambler.

Ah, yes, the gambler.

And you have a name for this gambler?

Morosco.

Augie Morosco.

Morosco? Who is this guy?

NEIL: It's a long story.

Now it all falls into place.

Augie Morosco is our mastermind.

You're a gambler, Monsieur Morosco?

Used to be, years ago.

Did you know Madame Van Dougen?

I did. Dream of a woman.

Sent from Heaven. Too good for this world.

Three weeks ago at the casino,

you attempted to sit on her head.

She was cold and without a hat.

Come with me.

Do you know these two?

No. No?

No, I don't.

You are absolutely certain?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Come to think of it, I do know them.

I met them on the train.

I almost bought their dog.

Do you know whose dog that was?

Yours?

Madame Van Dougen's.

Another coincidence?

I guess.

Oh.

Do you know these two?

(GROANING)

No. No?

No, I don't.

They were found with Madame Van Dougen's body in a suitcase.

Well, that's illogical.

Why would anybody want to crawl inside a suitcase

with a corpse?

So, you don't know them?

No, I don't know them.

Interesting.

Thank you.

That man claims just the opposite.

He says he was with you at the time the crime was committed.

Well, I'm afraid that's impossible.

How do you know?

I haven't told you what time the crime was committed.

Point well taken.

What time was the crime committed?

Last night, between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30.

Between 1:00 and 1:30. Between 1:00...

Ah!

It just so happens at that hour,

I was in my hotel making love to my wife.

I know this for a fact,

because her screams of ecstasy woke up the entire neighborhood.

(LAUGHING) Somebody actually shouted out,

"It's between 1:00 and 1:30 in the morning!

"Give the poor woman a break!"

And so I did.

I did.

You wish to stand by that story?

(STUTTERING) Oh, yes. It's a good story.

Very well.

I plan to investigate every detail.

I will hold your passport for another 48 hours.

You can keep it. I have lots.

AUGIE: You see, he thought he was dealing with an idiot.

He thought he had me trapped.

And what did you do?

I gave myself an ironclad alibi.

I told him at the time of the murder,

I was in bed with you.

But you weren't in bed with me.

I know I wasn't in bed with you,

but you're the only one who knows I wasn't in bed with you.

And that is the beauty of my alibi.

But what if the police question me?

If they question you, you say I was in bed with you.

But if the police investigate,

they'll discover it wasn't you I was in bed with.

(TITTERING) Huh?

Oh!

Augie.

(GROANING)

Augie, how do you expect me to behave?

I was angry and hurt.

I'm sick of your gambling.

First, you ran through your father's money

till he died of a broken heart.

Broken heart? The man weighed 600 pounds and ran in a marathon.

And now you've run through half my money.

Gambling is your true love, not me.

Madame.

(AUGIE SOBBING)

Oh, darling,

I'm so ashamed.

I've done something terrible.

But, you see, the truth is...

You don't understand.

I just lost my alibi.

Is that all that's bothering you?

Don't you see? Don't you just see?

If I'm caught lying, they'll think I killed the little...

You can relax. I'll make sure your alibi's secure.

No one will know it wasn't you in my bed last night.

You'd do that for me?

Oh, Elena, I'm not worthy of you.

I'm beginning to agree.

I am famished. Let's eat.

Mmm.

(SIGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

WOMAN: Bonsoir, Alfonso.

He's the one?

Augie, please.

Oh, he's very handsome.

What is he, a bullfighter?

Augie, don't do something crazy.

You've got that backwards.

I'd be crazy not to do something.

Hey, you!

Yes, you.

You slept with my wife, didn't you?

That depends. Who's your wife?

Elena. Last night. Remember?

Ah, Elena. She's married to you?

That's right, Casanova.

We had a couple of drinks. Nothing happened.

A chat. A talk. Adios.

She told me all about it.

Okay, tan boy, you're coming with me.

Please, do not harm me, I'm begging you. My face is my fortune.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

ALFONSO: I've had 92 professional fights.

Only two have been with men. I lost both of them.

(AUGIE LAUGHING)

AUGIE: Alfonso, how do you do that voodoo that you do so well?

I have my secrets, Augusto.

I'm sure you do.

Oh, Elena, you remember Alfonso.

Hello, Alfonso.

Turns out to be a sweetheart of a guy,

and he's going to back up my alibi.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Come on.

How nice for you.

Isn't it?

Now, Al, so that we don't get our wires crossed,

what time did you say you arrived in my room?

11:30-ish.

And then what happened?

Well, Elena and I began to...

Skip the details. What time were you through?

You're demented, Augie.

I've got to get the facts straight.

So what time did you wrap things up, uh, 11:45?

12:00. Uh, 12:30.

Closer to 1:00.

An hour and a half?

How can you do it for an hour and a half?

So then what?

Then I, uh, I heard footsteps at the door.

Naturally, I assumed that it was you,

so I left immediately.

Did anyone see you?

No. I went through the window.

What about room service?

You ordered up room service?

Ah, yes. At a certain moment, a waiter brought us a bottle of cognac.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

I'm trying to recall if the waiter saw my face.

Think, man, think.

Now I remember.

When he knocked, I opened the door just a crack.

And then I put my arm out like so and I grabbed the bottle.

He could've recognized your arm, a ring, a watch, a bracelet.

No, no. I was wearing nothing.

Except for your robe.

My brocade robe?

Si. That one.

Oh, perfect!

It's perfect!

Elena.

Elena.

When this is over,

I promise to mend your broken heart.

I'll be with you night and day.

We'll go to Paris. We'll walk in the Tuileries.

We'll eat in that funny little cafe in Monmom.

Monmom.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Monmom.

Montmartre. Montmartre, of course.

Oh, God, I love it when you correct me.

Oh, darling, I know I've been a disappointment to you,

but I'll change.

Beginning now.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ah, good, the cognac.

(SIGHING)

Hey, careful! It's attached.

Oh, darling, we have guests.

Nice to see you, inspector, Detective.

Let me introduce you to my wife Madame Morosco.

How do you do?

This is your wife?

Why do people keep asking that?

Madame Morosco, forgive me,

but I must ask a potentially embarrassing question.

Who was in this room last night with you

between midnight and 1:30?

My husband.

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Hey, look who's here.

It's, uh, Antoine. Come in, my good man.

Would you mind telling the inspector

who was in this room last night between midnight and 1:30?

Monsieur Morosco.

I brought him a bottle of Gaston de Lagrange.

He was wearing this very same robe.

Oh, thank you, Antoine.

And this is for you, my good man.

Take the cognac and get out.

Merci, monsieur. Now, move, move, move.

Very nice waiter. As he was last night.

Very well. Your alibi is intact.

You doubted me, Inspector.

One thing I've learned over the years

is never lie to an officer of the law.

The policeman is always your friend.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Have a nice weekend.

Those fools.

Aah!

There is one other small detail.

Of course.

Always eager to help.

(CHUCKLING)

Come with me. Go.

Huh?

Last night at exactly 1:00 a.m.,

the mechanic in the hotel garage

saw a figure come out this window

and go down the fire escape.

I assume that was you.

But of course it was me.

(CHUCKLING) I see. Very well.

Let us re-enact your journey, shall we?

Of course I will.

(TITTERING)

No big deal.

(SQUEAKING)

(SHUDDERING)

Augie, what are you doing?

I'm making a police training film.

What do you think I'm doing?

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

(CLANGING)

Oh, pain.

(GROANING)

That's worse than a rug burn.

And where did you go from here?

I...

I...

I believe I walked across this beam.

Well, good night.

Mmm-mmm. Huh?

After you.

(TITTERS)

Sure.

(TITTERING)

Sure.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CREAKING)

(TITTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(HORN BLARING)

(WOOD CREAKING) Oh.

(CREAKING)

(CRACKING)

(CAT SCREECHING) Oh!

(CLATTERING)

(GROANING)

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, God.

BONNARD: You came into this room?

(AUGIE GROANING) Yes. Yes, I did.

How convenient.

The room where Madame Van Dougen was murdered.

Huh?

(GASPS)

MARILYN: Could you slow down?

Easy.

JULIAN: When is this thing going to end?

You!

(MEN CHATTERING IN FRENCH) You're hurting my arm.

The time now is 1:10.

MARILYN: What a nightmare!

This is the victim's watch.

As you can see,

it has stopped at the moment of the crime.

1:10.

(GASPS)

Ahh!

(SOBBING) Oh, no!

I didn't do it.

I've never been in this room before in my life!

I lied about everything.

You got to believe me!

I'm innocent! I'm innocent!

Please take a seat, Monsieur Morosco.

Okay, okay. But I'm still innocent.

I don't know why I'm here. I didn't do anything.

I'm innocent.

(GRUNTS)

(SOBBING)

Sir?

May I see that matchbook?

Thank you.

(POLICE CLAMORING)

Here's your man, Bonnard.

Look at him. He's got guilt written all over him.

Me? Yes.

You all had the motives.

This one. This one was so desperate for money,

he tried to sell me a dog he didn't own!

And you!

You were insane last night!

Inspector, the man was frothing at the mouth!

Ask anyone who saw him in the casino.

He was violent.

If anyone in this room is capable of murder, it's Schwary!

Why, I ought to... Monsieur!

Wait a minute! Let go!

My husband may be capable of a lot of low-brow moronic behavior,

but he's too much of a coward to commit murder.

Thank you, dear.

Look, Inspector, come on. What more do you want?

The man was eating the evidence, for God's sake.

I'm innocent. I didn't do it!

I've never made love for an hour and a half in my life.

Ask my wife. She'll tell you.

That's precisely what I intend to do.

Sit down.

Ah, Elena, darling.

Madame, we are now at the hour of truth.

Lives are at stake.

Pitiful lives, but lives nevertheless.

Now, who was the man

that crawled out the window of Suite 801 last night?

My husband.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Elena, the truth.

No matter how awful it may be.

Who were you in bed with last night?

Say his name.

Augie Morosco. No!

The woman is a compulsive liar.

She's only saying that to protect me.

Because, in fact, my wife, at the hour of the crime,

was in the arms of another man.

And that man, Mr. Inspector, is the real murderer of Madame Van Dougen.

Alfonso de la Pena?

Alfonso...

Monte Carlo is a small town.

Please take a seat, Madame Morosco.

You, too.

Senor de la Pena, come in, please.

Please.

I believe you owe me an explanation, Inspector.

I intend to do just that.

Tell us, if you will, Senor de la Pena,

were you in Madame Morosco's suite

at L'Hotel de Paris last evening?

Absolutely not.

Who is this gentleman, may I ask?

What is it, Monsieur Peters?

It's... It's...

It's the shoes.

From the bushes.

It's him!

(ALL GASPING) He's the murderer!

No!

No, no, it was not me!

Yes, I admit. It was I who was in the bushes last night,

but I'm certainly not guilty of the murder of Madame Van Dougen.

Please continue, Senor de la Pena.

You see...

I was to meet...

Claire at 1:00.

No one was to know of our encounters.

It was her wish.

But when I arrived in madame's bedroom,

she was not there.

What did you see in the bedroom?

Nothing unusual.

Her bed was turned down as always.

Her powder-blue negligee was carefully laid at the bottom of the bed,

but there was no sign of madame.

I left by the front door.

And immediately I heard someone coming up the drive.

It was this couple returning Napoleon.

I quickly ducked into the bushes

to honor madame's vow of secrecy.

When they left, I left.

And I have nothing left to say. I saw nothing more.

I can't believe, after an hour and a half with this guy's wife,

you and the old woman were...

It's what I do.

BONNARD: Very interesting.

Don't you agree, Madame DePaul?

Didn't you tell me the only chore you did the night of the crime

was to prepare Madame Van Dougen's evening meal?

Yes, that's correct.

Did you not also tell me you took the 7:50 train

to Saint Cloud Sur Mer?

Yes, that's also correct.

Then you were not in the house

to turn down madame's bed as always

and lay out her powder-blue negligee

as Seno de la Pena described when he was in the room

at approximately 1:15?

No. We...

Then tell me, if you would,

how the bed became remade when this photograph was taken

about 45 minutes after Alfonso de la Pena left the bedroom?

I propose you never left on the 7:50 train.

As a matter of fact,

you never left the villa at all.

I propose you were in the garage

disposing of the body

when Senor de la Pena showed up.

He saw the unmade bed

and slipped away.

You returned and remade the bed

in a desperate attempt to cover your tracks.

It wasn't my idea.

Shut up, you fool!

(GROWLS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd like to propose a toast to Napoleon.

Not only because he's the only dog I know

that has his own stock portfolio,

but because he led me to Phoebe.

And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

Cheers.

To Napoleon. To Napoleon.

Where else but Monte Carlo would a cop arrest you one day

and then buy you the finest champagne the next?

I bought the champagne.

Honey, this stuff has got to be 200 bucks a pop!

That's chicken feed.

Marilyn, what is this?

This, Neil,

is the two and a half million francs I won at roulette.

That's half a million American smackaroos,

and it's all mine.

Honey, you won!

You know, I think we need to see a kinder,

a gentler Neil Schwary in the future, don't you?

Or maybe I'll take you back.

Yes!

And give it to you the way you've been giving it to me

the past 10 years.

Yes! I deserve it, Marilyn.

Marilyn...

Take me back.

I'll think about it.

Oh! Ow.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you have learned a valuable lesson.

All your trouble came from your mistrust and fear.

In the future, try to be honest with the police.

Bonsoir.

And if you get into any further trouble, please...

Don't call.

You know, Toussaint, it's funny.

Yes, it is.

(SIGHING)

When you leave $20 million to a dog,

you're asking to be murdered.

Hmm.

So, what becomes of the $20 million?

I suppose whoever gets custody of the dog,

gets custody of the money.

Ah, the dog.

One of life's misunderstood creatures

to whom no man is truly worthy.

It's what I do.

(NAPOLEON BARKING)