Original subtitles

How do you feel?

Good.

Good.

Okay.

Wet your lips for me.

Say my name.

Sean.

Dian Hunter's office.

Okay, Raynelle.

Let's see Joan's layout on the chateau.

I've got it right here.

Let's deepen up this background some.

Okay, no problem.

Do we have any more copy for this?

Yes, I do have some.

Good.

How is Sean coming with the Nymph of the Year shoot?

Well, he's shooting as we speak.

He's shooting or he's playing?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Let's see what the cameras tell us.

Okay, everybody, that's a wrap. Take 10.

Okay! Ten minutes, good.

You're so gorgeous.

Dian, the advance tape of Jeanne Wolf's Sunday interview...

with Sean and Tina just arrived.

I can't wait to see that.

All right, now for the big question. Sean, Tina,

could the rumors possibly be true that the world's most elusive bachelor,

Mr. Bachelor's World himself,

is for the first time in his life thinking about matrimony?

Thinking about marrying sweet Tina,

Bachelor's World's current cover girl, is every man's dream.

Then you are thinking about it.

Sean Brantley is actually thinking about getting married?

Yes.

And when you see the next issue of Bachelor's World,

you'll see why.

That does it. Beep Sean. Get him up here and then,

put a call through to Sir Harry Matthews.

Trouble?

That's putting it mildly.

Hello, sweetheart.

Don't "sweetheart" me.

And wipe that silly, smirking little-boy grin off your face.

Hold all calls.

Yes, Miss Hunter.

You bastard!

I saw the interview that you and sweet, little Tina...

did with Jeanne Wolf.

I've had it, Sean.

You don't seriously think I'm considering marrying her, do you?

It's all just publicity,

to boost circulation for the magazine,

to feed our readers' fantasies. It's just like everything else.

The chateau, the live-in Nymphs.

That's the same excuse you've used to justify every affair you've had...

with every Nymph of the Month for the last 10 years.

But it's the truth.

You're the only one I've ever loved.

You know that. Come on.

Haven't you noticed how every Nymph of the Month resembles you in some way?

Some have your eyes, some your mouth,

some your lips, others your breasts...

Stop it, Sean!

We've been through this 100 times.

No matter how many Nymphs you've had,

I've always managed to convince myself that it was me you cared about.

But I've finally come to my senses.

I'm leaving you, Sean.

I'm leaving you...

and Bachelor's World.

I'm leaving for London tonight...

to sell my stock to Sir Harry Matthews.

Okay.

Okay.

You've made your point. I'll break it off with Tina.

– She's gone. – You don't get it, do you, Sean?

It's not about Tina.

It's about you and me.

All right.

All right, I'll get rid of them, all of them. No more live-in Nymphs.

Just you and me and the peacocks and the deer and the...

I'm serious, Sean.

All right,

you win.

It'll be just the way it was when we started the magazine.

Just the two of us. Just you and me. I swear.

I'm begging you.

Oh, don't beg, Sean.

My mind is made up.

Okay.

Okay, you're hurt and angry, and you want out.

I understand that.

But why Matthews? If you want to sell, sell to me.

And what would you use for money, Sean?

I'll pay you out of future earnings.

I'll put up my 49% of stock as security.

What earnings?

We spend every dime we take in on the chateau, the parties,

the shopping sprees, the Nymphs.

All right, sell 49% to Matthews and sell 2% to me.

That would give you control of the company.

I don't think Sir Harry would like that.

Why shouldn't I have control?

I started Bachelor's World, I am Bachelor's World.

We started Bachelor's World.

With my money.

That's why I own 51% of the stock.

I wouldn't worry too much, Sean.

Life goes on.

Of course, Sir Harry will probably close the chateau...

and he'll cut expenses to the very bone.

That seems to be all there is to talk about.

So,

as Sir Harry would say...

Ta-ta, for now, Sean.

Not "ta-ta," sweetheart.

Goodbye.

Hi!

How you doing, baby?

Thanks.

In the water, and as the lawyer, who swim safely through the sharks,

reaches the lifeboat and finds that...

Astounded, the minister turns to the doctor and the rabbi and asks,

"How come the sharks didn't eat him?"

"Professional courtesy." That was in Bachelor's World two years ago.

Hi there, ladies.

Have a safe trip.

Thank you, Cosner.

Yes, ma'am.

Night, Miss Hunter. Have a safe trip.

Cosner, don't forget my basket of goodies, please.

No, ma'am.

You have to do it quick. Two minutes. Just do it.

Cosner?

Yes, ma'am?

Please make sure the smoked salmon is Scottish, not domestic.

And...

paper thin.

Yes, ma'am.

You got Miss Hunter's basket, Louie?

Hey, all ready.

Louie, didn't that sound like a gunshot?

Sounded like a backfire to me, mate.

Them hotshot kids back there parking cars.

You hear it all the time.

If I drove like that, I'd be canned in a minute.

I believe it. That lady you work for is what we call trиs fussy.

– Thank you. – Cheers.

Paula, take my watch. Time us.

On your mark, get set, go!

Anything else, ma'am?

No.

Have a safe trip, ma'am.

Yes, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo.

Thank you, Lieutenant. All right, let him in.

Okay, clear for me, please.

Okay, sweetheart, smile for me. Nice big smile.

Slowly. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Nice big smile. That's it. Beautiful.

Throw your hair way back.

Throw your hair way, way back for me. Good.

Beautiful. You are so beautiful.

Okay, that's it.

Hold that, hold that, yeah.

Lower your hands for me. Slowly, yeah.

Lower your hands slowly. Beautiful.

Hold that for me. Okay.

Lower your hands. Beautiful.

Yeah, lower your hands, slowly, slowly.

Yeah, that's beautiful. Beautiful.

Who's that man in the raincoat?

I'm sorry, sir, forgive me.

I didn't mean to intrude like this.

Who are you, and what are you doing here?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir. You are Sean Brantley, aren't you?

Never mind who I am.

The question is, who are you? Lieutenant of what?

LAPD, sir. I have an appointment with a Sean Brantley.

Bring that over here.

I can never get anything done around here.

There's always something. What is security doing, sleeping?

Sorry, sir.

It's not a very good likeness of me, but...

I'd say it flatters you.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

What's this about you having an appointment?

I spoke to your secretary, Miss Robinson.

You spoke to Helen?

I don't know if her name was Helen, but it was for 10:00, sir.

Right. Well, maybe you do have an appointment.

I'll give him 10 minutes. Take a break, everybody. Ten minutes.

I'll give you 10 minutes. What's your name?

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

Ten minutes.

Now, before you start,

we had a party last night. It went very late.

The music was very loud.

But that's not about to change. That's our business.

Well, this has nothing to do with the party, sir.

Well, thank God for that.

Is it all right to talk in front of the young lady?

Yes, of course. But let's get on with it.

As you can see, I have better things to do.

Yes, sir, I...

I can see that, sir. So I'll get right to it.

This morning I got a call from an old friend,

Detective Chief Superintendent Durk at New Scotland Yard.

That's in London, sir.

Yes, I know. What's that to do with me?

Well, Superintendent Durk,

he's investigating the disappearance of your business partner.

A Dian Hunter.

Dian missing? Who reported her missing?

A Sir Harry Matthews.

I got the feeling from Durk he's a very important man.

Important?

He controls the most important media empire in the world.

He has magazines, newspapers, television.

Well, that would explain why Durk is so anxious to find her.

He's had two squads working around the clock the last three days.

I wonder if it occurred to your friend to check the Savoy Hotel.

That's where she always stays.

Oh, I'm sure he did that, sir. He's...

He's checked all the hotels, the airports,

railroads, car rental agencies.

They've looked everywhere.

That's why my friend Durk asked me to come and see you.

He thought maybe you might know something about what happened.

All I know is she said she was going to London.

And apparently she did, sir.

The airlines confirm that she boarded the plane here in LA,

and she got off in London.

British immigration, they confirm that she went through customs.

And this Sir Harry, he had a limousine at the airport,

and when she didn't show up, he called the police.

You haven't heard from her since she left, have you, sir?

No.

Doesn't the fact that your business partner is missing,

doesn't that worry you, sir?

You don't know Dian, Lieutenant.

She's not only my business partner, she's my best friend.

We started the magazine together, but she's the brains. She runs it.

No, thank you very much.

She turned a $10,000 investment...

into a multi-million dollar media empire,

and she did it by working 24 hours a day for 12 years.

But sometimes Dian feels as if she's burning out.

And when she does, she takes off.

She never tells anyone where she's going, she just goes.

And she goes to places you wouldn't believe.

The Mojave Desert, Shanghai,

Tibetan monastery, a convent in Lourdes.

But this time, she went to London.

And as I understand it, she went to London...

for a very important business meeting with a very important man.

Now, she gets to London, and she disappears into thin air.

Doesn't that worry you, sir?

It would, if I didn't know Dian.

But knowing her as I do, I know she'll turn up.

Let's hope you're right, sir.

If you hear from her, would you mind giving me a call?

That's Columbo, Missing Persons.

No, that's Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

But I don't want you to worry.

There's no reason to suspect foul play.

With your permission, sir,

I'll be asking questions of some of the people here on the grounds.

Just as a favor to my friend Superintendent Durk.

Now, there's no question in your mind, Mr. Cosner, that the woman...

Just Cosner, Lieutenant.

– Just Cosner? – Cosner.

All right, Cosner.

You are sure that the woman you took to the airport was Miss Hunter?

No doubt about that?

Yes, Lieutenant, I'm certain it was she.

I've driven madam for seven years.

Did Miss Hunter, on the way to the airport,

stop to visit with a friend, business associate...

No, she did not.

So you went straight to the airport?

We did make one stop, at madam's favorite restaurant,

where I picked up her imported Scottish salmon.

She hates airline food.

You went into the restaurant and she stayed in the car alone?

Correct.

And how long were you in the restaurant?

A couple of minutes.

A couple of minutes?

Right.

And when you came out, you had the salmon?

Yes.

Did you give the salmon to Miss Hunter?

No, I kept the salmon on the front seat with me.

Madam had raised the partition.

That's her way of saying no more conversation.

So you drove to the airport from the restaurant...

without talking.

Correct.

And when you got to the airport, did you talk to her then?

I did, yes, when I helped her out of the limo.

For some reason, the lady had gotten herself all bundled up.

It seemed peculiar. I couldn't imagine why, and...

I remember asking her, was there anything I could do. She said, no.

Bundled up? How was she bundled up?

She had on a hat, a scarf around her head, dark glasses...

and a fur coat with the collar turned up.

Would you put up the partition, sir?

Beg your pardon?

Would you get in the back seat, sir, and put up the partition?

Certainly.

Did you say something?

All you can see is a silhouette.

When you went into the restaurant, where did you park?

In the back alley, by the rear entrance to the kitchen.

In the back alley.

And you were in for a couple of minutes.

So there was enough time for someone to come up in another car...

and switch someone else for Miss Hunter.

Take Miss Hunter out and replace her with someone who looked like her.

No, no, no, impossible. There wasn't enough time.

You see, I was in the restaurant less than a minute...

when I heard a shot.

A shot? You heard a shot?

Well, I... I heard what I thought was a shot,

a bang from the alley,

and naturally I was concerned and ran out to make sure that...

madam was all right.

And?

And nothing. All I saw was...

the limo parked just as I left it,

the alley absolutely empty and peaceful.

Wait a minute. Are you saying, if there was a shot,

that there wasn't enough time for someone who fired that shot...

to have gotten out of the alley without you seeing them?

That's right, Lieutenant. And two minutes later,

when I got back in the car,

I could see madam's silhouette through the glass.

That's two minutes, Lieutenant.

That's hardly enough time for someone to have shot the lady,

switched clothes with her and disposed of her body.

Excuse me, sir.

That night, when you came back to the chateau,

did you clean up back here?

No, I just parked the car in the garage,

I dropped her whiskey glass off in the kitchen and I went to bed.

Good.

Keep everybody away from the car...

until the crime lab has had a chance to go over it.

Mr. Brantley's not going to like that.

No, sir. I don't think he will.

What's going on?

We're not really sure. There's a helicopter.

I'm here to pick up Lieutenant Columbo...

for Sir Harry Matthews.

Who the hell is he and what does he want?

Lieutenant Columbo!

Will Lieutenant Columbo...

please come to the front lawn as quickly as possible.

You're Lieutenant Columbo? Please hurry.

My employer does not like to be kept waiting.

Thank you very much. We'll see you again.

Thank you. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Have a safe trip. It's been a great pleasure.

Bye-bye.

Lieutenant Columbo, Sir Harry Matthews.

Ah. How do you do, Lieutenant? Please, sit down.

Do you know who I am, Lieutenant?

Oh, yes, sir.

You're a friend of Detective Chief Superintendent Durk's.

Well, he's an acquaintance, actually,

of my old friend, the home secretary.

You're the one who reported Dian Hunter missing, right?

Quite so. And what do you have to report, Lieutenant?

Not much. All the evidence so far indicate that she...

got on the plane here in LA and she arrived in London.

Which officially makes it...

Detective Chief Superintendent Durk's case.

Then I suggest you re-examine the evidence.

I can assure you, Dian Hunter was the victim of foul play...

at the hands of that scoundrel, Sean Brantley.

I'm sorry, sir,

but I'm going to need more than your assurances.

I need real evidence of foul play,

and I need a reason why Mr. Brantley would hurt her.

A motive.

I should have thought his motive was self-evident.

When he discovered that...

Dian was coming to London to sell Bachelor's World,

he had to stop her,

or kiss his life of Nymphs and riches goodbye.

He realized there was only one way to do that.

Somehow, he killed her, or had her killed.

If it was actually Dian who got off that plane in London,

he had her killed there. Or if it was someone else,

he killed her right here in Los Angeles.

Wherever it happened, Sean Brantley killed her,

and it's up to you to bring him to justice, Lieutenant.

If she's really dead, if he killed her.

Those are two big ifs, sir.

Hmm.

Are you a cigar smoker, Lieutenant?

Yes, sir.

Good.

I've always found cigar smokers to be clear thinkers.

The better the cigar, the better the thinking.

Help yourself.

Thank you, sir.

Take another.

Oh, thank you very much.

Light up. Think it all through.

Think of how that nasty little opportunist killed her.

You're going to enjoy those, Lieutenant.

They're the most expensive cigar money can buy.

Did you know they're $6 an inch?

Well, I don't need this second one, sir.

I forgot...

I already took two in the helicopter.

Oh, I see. Well, in that case,

I insist that you take a whole lot more.

Go, go on, be my guest.

Just find out what happened to Dian Hunter.

Yeah, all right. You go check the dumpster.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'll do that...

It's not a bullet. Okay.

Keep looking.

Hey, Lieutenant!

Bullet?

No, it's a shell casing.

Aha!

Looks like it's from a .25 caliber automatic.

Okay, now make sure we get prints on that.

Right.

Doesn't look like we're gonna find the bullet,

which means it's probably still in the body, Lieutenant?

That's exactly right, Mr. Wilson, exactly right.

Miss Hunter?

Miss Hunter is out of the country. I'm her secretary. Can I help you?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

You sound like the young lady I spoke to yesterday...

when I called to make an appointment with Mr. Brantley.

Oh, my. Oh, I am so sorry, Lieutenant.

I forgot to tell him. I'm a complete airhead.

You haven't heard anything from Miss Hunter...

since we talked yesterday, have you?

Yesterday, when you told me she was missing,

I...

Yes, miss?

Whenever Dian wanted to record a meeting,

she would leave the intercom on and...

my machine would automatically record it.

I've been wondering whether she'd want me to give this to you.

I've been buzzing you for five minutes.

– Get me some coffee. – Right away, Sean.

Oh, that was my fault, sir, that she didn't hear you buzzing.

I was asking her questions for my report to Superintendent Durk.

You and your friend Superintendent Durk are wasting your time.

Believe me, Columbo,

Dian will show up in a day or two. A week at the very most.

I'm not so sure about that, sir.

Since we last talked,

there have been some very puzzling developments.

Very puzzling.

You don't mind if I look around Miss Hunter's office, do you, sir?

Puzzling developments?

What kind of puzzling developments?

Lieutenant, what kind of developments?

I must say, sir, these girls have their health.

Here's your coffee, Sean.

You forgot the cream, again.

Can't you get it into your head? It's Dian who drinks her coffee black.

I use cream.

I... I'm sorry Sean. I'll get your cream right away.

I asked you a question, Columbo.

Huh? What was that, sir?

The puzzling developments you mentioned.

What puzzling developments?

Oh, just a lot of little things, sir. I gotta sort them out.

What little things?

Well, when Miss Hunter left for the airport,

she was carrying hat, gloves and a fur coat.

Well, that's not inappropriate,

considering the weather in London at this time of year.

Cream.

No sir, but it is for LA.

I don't follow you, Columbo.

Well, when she got into the limo, she was carrying all that stuff,

and when she got out of the limo, she was wearing it.

And I checked the temperature down there at LAX. 76 degrees.

And here she is, she's all bundled up like Greta Garbo.

Why would she do that?

Maybe it wasn't her.

Are you suggesting that Dian got into the limousine...

and somebody else got out of it at the airport?

Somebody that looked like her, sir.

And what you're saying is all based on the fact that...

the person who got out at the airport was all bundled up in a coat,

wearing dark glasses?

Not entirely, sir. There was the gunshot.

What gunshot?

Oh, that's right. Didn't I tell you about the gunshot?

Oh, yeah, there was a gunshot.

You know how Miss Hunter hates airline food.

Yeah, I know that. What's it got to do with a gunshot?

Well, when the chauffeur went into the restaurant to...

pick up the basket of food, he thought he heard a gunshot.

He thought he heard a gunshot?

Oh, he heard one, all right. We found a shell casing in the alley.

It was right near where the limo was parked.

Okay, there was a gunshot. You found the shell casing.

But what you're saying is, when Cosner went into the restaurant,

somebody shot Dian, put on her clothes,

disposed of the body,

and then took her place on the flight to London?

It's a possibility, sir.

You've read too many mystery stories, Columbo.

Oh, no, sir, I never read them.

I tried. Can't figure them out.

Even after the detective lays it all out in the end.

I could believe that.

It's like this case, sir.

I thought that this was a simple case of a missing person.

But that gunshot...

That's probable cause for a homicide.

Do you own a gun, sir?

It's all an act with you, isn't it?

You're not the naive, bumbling detective you pretend to be.

I'll bet you've already checked with gun registration,

and you know I own a gun.

You got me there, sir. I admit, I did check.

If I remember correctly,

it was a .25 caliber Beretta. Is that right? Oh, yeah.

Am I right in assuming that the shell casing you found in the alley...

was from a .25 automatic?

That's right, sir.

And naturally you would like to see mine.

If it's not too much trouble, sir.

No trouble at all, Lieutenant.

Come this way.

Oh, boy. Quite a collection.

Hold it, sir, don't touch it.

The lab boys will want to check it for prints.

It's a .25 caliber, all right,

and it's a Beretta.

Do you remember the last time you fired this, sir?

I've never fired it.

I've never fired a gun in my life, Columbo.

These are all just toys for boys.

Bric-a-brac for the sophisticated bachelor.

Well, somebody's fired it.

And recently. Here, smell it.

I smell it. What I don't understand is how anyone could have...

gotten into my cabinet with all the security around here.

That's what I don't understand.

But you can bet your badge I'm gonna find out about it right now.

Now, if that's all, I've got a magazine to get out.

I understand, sir.

I'm sorry, sir, I took up so much of your time.

I'll get out of your hair and let you go to work.

Hey, you know, I...

I really hate asking you this.

Could you come to the airport this afternoon?

There's something there I think you should see.

I hope this isn't gonna take too long, Columbo.

It won't, sir, I promise. LAPD.

Okay.

Have you had lunch, sir?

No, I haven't.

Gum drop?

No, thanks.

– Howdy. – Afternoon, Lieutenant.

Where are you taking me?

It's right here, sir.

You can go on through.

This is the security control center.

It's like the eyes and ears of the whole terminal.

It's amazing.

Everything that goes on, you can see it right here.

Not very many people know this,

but if anybody goes to an airport today,

they're photographed eight, 10, 12 times.

It's all part of that campaign against international terrorism.

If there are no problems,

the tapes get erased after a few days.

Like these would've been, if I didn't put a hold on them.

"Do not erase."

Tapes of Dian, I presume.

Well, that's what I was hoping you'd tell me, sir.

Is that your partner, sir?

Is that Miss Hunter?

It looks like her.

That's her coat, her hat, her scarf, that's her vanity case.

She had them all with her when she left the chateau.

But is it her? Look carefully.

Now, this one, they blew up for me.

Look very, very carefully.

It is her.

There's no question about it. It's her jewelry.

That's her ring, and that's her bracelet.

We have identical bracelets.

Right down to the little button here that...

switches off the beeper. Look closely.

That's a beeper?

Our paging beepers.

Since Dian and I are the only two who know the numbers,

when it beeps, we know who it is, and that it's important.

Well, that's very impressive, sir.

You know, it's so light and thin, you hardly know you're wearing it.

The beepers the police give you, they're so big and clunky,

they pull your clothes all out of shape.

Well, we avoided that problem.

We had these custom made as jewelry, you see?

Simple, elegant and beautiful.

Well, they certainly are beautiful.

Which is probably why Miss Hunter decided to wear it to London.

I mean, there's no way you can beep her in London, is there, sir?

No. If there was a way, I would.

I'd dial a message and have her call you.

That way, you'd know she was alive and well,

and that would put an end to all this gunshot and double nonsense.

Do you see anything wrong in that picture, sir?

No.

Nothing at all? Nothing unusual?

No.

Look closely, sir. Nothing wrong?

No. If you do, please say so,

and stop playing games with me, Columbo.

The cream.

The cream, sir.

The lady in that picture is pouring cream in her coffee.

And as you found out in my office,

Dian doesn't use cream in her coffee.

Which makes me think that the lady in that picture is...

not Miss Hunter.

That means Miss Hunter never got to London.

She never even got to the airport.

Something happened to her before she got there.

What, Columbo?

What happened to her?

A half dozen witnesses saw her walk down these stairs.

She was carrying her hat and her coat and the rest of that stuff.

Hi, ladies.

Now, she waved to a few guests, and then she saw you.

And you told her to have a safe trip.

But the guests I spoke to said that the way you looked at each other,

it was obvious that there was trouble between you.

That's absurd.

Oh, there's no point in denying that there was trouble between you.

You had words that afternoon.

You tried to persuade her not to go to London.

Not to sell the magazine.

My life appears to be an open book to you, Columbo.

Just a few hours of it, sir.

A few hours on the day that this woman vanished.

You'd be surprised how much I know about...

what happened during those few hours.

I'm beginning to get the feeling...

you think I had something to do with Dian's disappearance.

Is that what you're implying, Columbo?

I'm not implying anything. I'm asking you to help me.

Help me figure out what happened to this woman.

It's a waste of time.

She's traipsing around Europe someplace.

But I'm at your disposal, Columbo.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

Then Miss Hunter came out the front door.

There were a couple of guests here who saw her get into the limousine.

Would you mind getting in, sir?

Okay, Cosner, let's go.

Sir?

It's all right, Cosner. Do whatever the Lieutenant wants.

Yes, sir.

Now, the security guard at the front gate, sir,

he logged Miss Hunter out at 9:22.

She poured herself a drink...

and reminded Cosner to stop at the restaurant.

Is that correct, Cosner?

Yes, sir.

Then about 10 minutes later, they pulled into this alley here...

and they headed toward the rear door of the restaurant.

Correct, Cosner?

That's correct, sir.

All right, Cosner, now do just what you did.

Exactly the way you did it the other night.

Very well, sir.

Mr. Cosner goes through that door into the kitchen.

He asks about Miss Hunter's food.

There is a brief exchange with the chef,

and at that point, Cosner hears what he thinks is a gunshot.

He's worried about Miss Hunter's safety,

so he comes running out to the alley again.

He looks up, he looks down, and the alley is empty.

Apparently Miss Hunter is all right,

and he goes back into the kitchen.

He figures the bang that he just heard was just a car backfiring.

But it was a gunshot. You found the shell casing.

That is true, sir.

He thought Dian was all right, but was she?

Or was she shot while Cosner was in the kitchen?

In my judgment sir, she was shot.

No.

Oh, my God, no.

Columbo, I refuse to believe it.

I'm sorry, sir, but all the evidence indicates that she was shot.

And someone switched places with her.

But who? How?

That's an interesting puzzle, isn't it, sir?

It must have been someone who knew Dian always stopped here...

before she went to the airport.

It would have to be someone like that, yes, sir.

They waited until Cosner went into the kitchen,

and then they pulled up in another car. But...

There couldn't have been another car.

This is an alleyway. It's a dead end.

And anyway, Cosner would have seen the car.

That means the double...

The double must have been hiding someplace here in the alley,

and they waited until Dian arrived.

That thought occurred to me, too, sir. Someone, a woman...

who looked like Dian could have been behind that dumpster,

waited until Cosner went into the kitchen,

came out from behind the dumpster,

moved very quickly to the rear of the car,

opens the door, shoots Miss Hunter,

closes the door, puts up the partition.

Now when Cosner comes out to look, the alley is empty.

The partition is up.

Cosner goes back into the kitchen.

The double makes the switch.

Puts Miss Hunter's body on the floor,

puts on her hat, sunglasses...

and takes her place in the back seat.

Now Cosner comes out with the salmon.

He gets in the limo, and they're off.

And that gives the double plenty of time...

during the trip to the airport...

to change into the rest of Miss Hunter's clothes,

and to get rid of the body.

Got rid of the body on the way to the airport?

Cosner didn't see anybody in the back seat,

when he opened the door for his passenger at the airport.

And you and I agree...

that the lady pouring cream in her coffee on the videotape...

wasn't Miss Hunter.

So that means whoever she was,

she got rid of Miss Hunter's body between the alley and the airport.

But how?

One doesn't just open up a door and pitch a body onto the freeway.

No, sir. You hide it.

Hide it where?

The body was hidden right here.

Under this seat.

Right in that storage area,

along with the murder weapon.

Are you all right, sir?

I still can't believe Dian is dead.

Your logic seems irrefutable, Columbo, but...

I still can't believe she's dead.

Well, I can understand how shocking this must be to you, sir.

Maybe you better sit down.

– Cosner? – Sir?

Chateau.

What a world.

Awful, isn't it? You feeling any better, sir?

I'll be all right.

Well, you'll be home soon. You'll be able to lie down.

Sir, I wanted to ask you,

on your front lawn, was that a llama that I saw?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Yeah, I thought it was.

Now, what does a thing like that cost?

I don't know. Expensive.

Oh, expensive sure. That's what I thought.

Did I tell you, sir, that the lab matched up the gun casing...

we found in the alley with your gun?

No, you didn't, Columbo.

Along with my fingerprints, no doubt.

Yes, sir, fingerprints on the casing and on the gun.

Making me prime suspect, I suppose.

No, sir, you were swimming at the time.

We've got 20 pretty girls who'll testify to that.

Thank goodness for that.

And, of course, we know the killer had to be a woman.

Someone who could pass for Dian.

But what happened to Dian's body?

And how did the murder weapon get back inside my gun cabinet?

Well, after Cosner brought the car back to garage that night, sir,

the killer's accomplice,

and there had to be an accomplice, sir,

and whoever that person was,

they removed the body and the gun.

Then they hid the body somewhere on the grounds of the chateau,

and they returned the gun to your gun cabinet.

Oh, Cosner!

Yes, Lieutenant?

Would you stop at the garage, please?

Yes, sir.

I just don't believe it.

You have taken one or two incongruities...

and worked out an elaborate murder plot to support them.

But your plot has holes in it, too, you know.

Like what, sir?

What about blood stains?

If Dian was shot in the back of the car,

wouldn't there be blood stains? And a bullet hole?

Blood stains, bullet hole.

You know, that had me stumped, too.

Until I saw the bullets in your gun.

Glasers.

They're designed not to penetrate, but to spread out and kill quick.

If the killer pressed the gun against Miss Hunter's chest,

chances are death would have been instantaneous...

and without a lot of external bleeding.

You've got it all figured out, haven't you?

Oh, no, sir.

There's a lot of things about this case I can't figure out.

Like where's the body?

We know it's here at the chateau, but where?

How can you be so sure of that?

Well, the lab boys found these hairs...

and you know where they found them?

Let me show you where.

Here. Right here underneath this seat.

You know what that means?

That means that the killer was never in the alley.

She was never hiding behind the dumpster.

She was here under this seat the whole time.

She was under this seat...

before Miss Hunter ever got into the limousine.

And when Cosner went into the kitchen,

the killer came out of her hiding place.

Miss Hunter, she tried to get out of the car,

and it was at that point that Miss Hunter was killed.

Come on, Columbo, there's no way you can know that.

The hairs tell us that the killer was underneath the bench.

The shell casing was found outside the door.

So the door had to be open when the shot was fired.

And these hairs, these other hairs,

they match up with hairs on Miss Hunter's hairbrush.

So we know that Miss Hunter was underneath this bench...

when the limo came back to the chateau.

And if all this is right, then the accomplice,

whoever that might be,

waited until everyone was watching the movie you showed that night,

and then got rid of the body.

And it's somewhere around here. But where?

– Where? – Stop it.

Stop playing games.

Come out from behind that cigar smoke of yours.

What you're really saying is...

I conspired with someone to murder my partner,

but make it look like she vanished in London.

But actually I have her buried someplace here in the chateau.

That thought did occur to me...

Obviously!

You're not a subtle man, Columbo. You pretend to be, but you're not.

So let's drop the pretense. Let's drop it right now.

You think Dian's buried here, then you find the body.

Bring in bulldozers.

Bulldoze all five and a half acres of the place.

Why don't you tear down the main house?

You find the body, and then you find my accomplice,

then you prove me a killer, Columbo!

Prove it.

Well, well, well, ladies, let's take a look at this.

You're wasting your time, Columbo.

Come on in.

Well, what can we do for you, honey?

Oh, gee, I... I was looking for Miss Hunter's suite.

Well, she's in the north wing, this is the south.

Uh-huh. Oh, well, thank you. Sorry to have bothered you.

– Bye. – Bye.

Come back and see us.

Hand me that trowel.

Howdy.

How long has Miss Hunter been missing?

She'll love it.

Why are the police searching the chateau?

Is it true you two had a fight the day she disappeared?

Certainly not.

Are you meeting with the chief of police today?

I'll tell you what. Why don't you ask the police officer...

conducting the investigation? Lieutenant Columbo.

That's him over there, the man in the raincoat.

I can't. I can't answer any questions at this time.

Is there more than one body?

I cannot answer any questions at this time.

How did you people know about this so soon?

I notified them, Columbo.

In the hope that when Dian reads what you and your men are doing...

to the chateau, she'll come home...

and put a stop to this lunacy of yours.

I can assure you, sir, there is nothing I would like better.

Sorry.

I can't answer any questions at this time.

The mayor is concerned about this media blitz. Now, it's huge.

Well, take today, in addition to network TV, cable,

all of Europe, the Koreans have shown up.

Korean TV. Can you imagine?

Excuse me, Herb.

Let me just cut to the bottom line here.

There are 200 reporters in the hall every day.

I can't go to the bathroom.

The world is watching the LA Police Department...

to see if you're gonna find a body and arrest the murderer.

Now, here's the point. What happens if you don't find a body?

Oh, we think we will, sir.

– You think you will? – Yes, sir.

Well, let's just suppose that there was no murder.

I mean, what the hell is going on here?

Is there a body?

We think there is, sir.

– You think there is? – Yes, sir.

Well, gentlemen, I'll tell you one thing.

This is something that will not go away.

Oh, Lord, here they come.

Let's just duck in here, please.

All right, as I was saying, this story is gonna mushroom.

If you come up empty, I'm gonna look bad.

– But nothing compared to... – Excuse me.

Let him out, Herb.

I'm gonna look bad, but nothing compared to you.

The LA police will be a national joke.

Johnny Carson'll see to that.

So here's a word to the wise.

If any of you have any doubts...

about being able to successfully solve this case,

I beg you, think long and hard about the wisdom...

of dropping it right now.

Oh, we're convinced we're on the right track, Your Honor.

Isn't that right, George?

Absolutely. I'm convinced.

We have our best man on the case, and he's convinced.

Yes, sir.

Have you read the report, sir?

Well, I didn't read it, but Herb did, and he tells me...

Actually, I read a summary.

Alan, who was supposed to be here, read the whole thing,

but he's at a bar mitzvah, so he couldn't...

Tell the mayor how you discovered that the real Dian Hunter...

never got on that plane.

You tell him.

No, no, no. How did you find out?

Wait'11 you hear this.

Well, I got lucky. I overheard two people say...

Dian Hunter never takes cream in her coffee.

So?

Well, sir, are you aware that down at the airport...

they have these TV screens to monitor the people?

Yes.

But did you know that they have 40 of them?

40?

Yeah. They got them all over.

They got them in the corridors,

they got them in the waiting room areas,

they got them by the security, where the people check the baggage.

– So what? – They got them by the stairs...

Well, I went down to check the tapes.

You checked all 40?

All 40.

Did you know...

that she didn't take cream before you looked at the tapes?

No, sir, I didn't know what I was looking for.

I was just poking around.

Then you looked at 40 tapes on spec.

Yeah. That's why I said I got lucky.

I looked at the tape at night. She's pouring cream.

The very next day I happened to hear the two people closest to her say...

she never takes cream.

That's pretty good.

I told you.

A real beaver. He digs.

Fellas, before you get carried away with the cream in the coffee,

here's the bottom line.

The prime suspect, this Sean character,

was swimming in front of 30 witnesses at the time of the shot.

He couldn't have done it alone. He had to have an accomplice,

without which you have no case.

Is that true?

– Well, I'll tell you... – I got the accomplice.

You got the accomplice?

You got the accomplice?

I know who it is.

Bachelor World chateau...

There you are. Look, you're on every channel.

I see it.

You're on the news.

Mmm-hmm.

Japanese channel.

Spanish TV, too.

Oh, look, they're showing me in here.

Look at me. Did you see me in that one?

Oh, you look nice.

You look beautiful. So beautiful.

Thank you.

– So beautiful. – You do, too.

Come in.

Oh, excuse me, sir. I didn't mean to intrude.

You're not intruding, Columbo. Come in.

We're just reading about you in newspapers...

from all over the world.

You're famous. Look, you're on television.

Quite a bit of dirt has been uncovered...

Although it would have been better for your career...

if you actually found something.

Oh, I got something, here, sir. There's no question about it.

On the theory that Dian Hunter's double...

was someone who either worked or lived at the chateau,

I got pictures of every blond...

who came closest to her description from security.

There were only four of them.

This one was on a yacht in Rio de Janeiro,

and these two had alibis, leaving...

Tina?

Me?

Oh, no, Columbo.

Tina was at the party all night.

Uh, no, sir. I checked.

No one remembers seeing Tina after Dian Hunter left.

People were having a good time, Columbo.

You can't expect everyone to remember where they were.

Well, lots of people remembered where you were all night.

I got a whole book load of people who remember that.

But no one remembers seeing Tina after Dian left. In fact,

no one remembers seeing Tina for 28 hours after that.

What are you getting at, Columbo?

You didn't sleep here for two nights, ma'am.

Twenty-eight hours.

That's enough time for Tina to fly to London as Dian,

and come back as somebody else.

And that night, when the car was back in the garage,

you, Mr. Brantley, were seen leaving the movies.

And that's when you disposed of the body.

A body you haven't been able to find, Columbo.

And there's one more thing, sir.

Do you remember the blond hair I showed you...

that we found in the backseat of the limo?

The lab matched that up with hairs from her comb.

Along with hairs from most of the other Nymphs, Columbo.

Isn't that right?

Look at this child, Columbo.

Look at this face.

Is this the face of a killer?

Do you honestly believe I could...

persuade this beautiful, young creature to murder anyone?

People do all kinds of things for love, sir.

Nonsense.

We're suspects because...

someone from your ordinary middle-class background...

believes that immoral people like Tina and I are...

capable of anything, including murder.

No. You're suspects...

because all the evidence indicates you're guilty.

Then why don't you arrest us?

'Cause I can't. I know you did it,

but without a body, I can't prove it.

Then you better keep looking.

Bring in bulldozers. Level the place. Go on.

The newspapers will love it, I'll love it,

the magazine will love it.

Go on, Columbo, make me happy.

What do you want?

I just want to know where you were for that 28 hours.

– Hey! – God!

Towel, Lieutenant?

Columbo,

this just arrived from Dian.

See the postmark? Milan. Last Wednesday.

I mean, you don't believe me,

and you want proof that Dian's alive and well.

Take this to your experts,

along with these samples of Dian's handwriting.

I'll do that, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thanks a lot.

Well, we've finally seen the last of him.

Wanna bet?

Mr. Brantley, you have a minute?

Get in.

You win.

Scoot over.

I'm sorry, Columbo, some other time.

It's rather important, sir.

All right, get in. Get in.

Here. Over here, sit here.

– Hi. – Here we are.

Who is this guy?

How are you?

I didn't know he was coming.

Maybe I'll just sit on the edge here.

If you just... There we go.

There we go. Thank you.

There we are. Thank you very much.

Okay.

Where are we going, Mr. Brantley?

We're going on a shopping spree.

– All right! – Yeah.

I guess you're coming along.

Come on, my darlings, off we go. We're off to spend some money.

Come on, Columbo, you're gonna have some fun.

Follow me. Come on, girls, all stick together now.

Come on, girls.

Okay, darlings, you've got exactly two minutes.

On your marks, get set, go!

I love it. I love watching them trying to bankrupt me.

Fat chance of that,

thanks to the boost in circulation you've given the magazine.

Too bad Dian sent that postcard.

I could've milked this publicity for another week.

Funny you should say that.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

The boys in handwriting, sir,

they can't confirm that...

the writing on this postcard belongs to Miss Hunter.

They say it's inconclusive.

Well, that's wonderful news.

Attention, darlings! You've one bonus minute of shopping.

And members of the press, I've a bonus for you, too.

Lieutenant Columbo will issue a statement with new evidence...

concerning the disappearance of my of my beloved partner,

Dian Hunter.

Lieutenant, what is the new evidence?

Have you got your statement ready, Lieutenant?

Why don't you handle them? You do it better than I do.

What can you tell us that they found?

Well, I really can't discuss it,

but it does concern a postcard that Miss Hunter sent.

But I really can't say much more than that.

Listen, I hate to keep bothering you like this,

but if you'll just tell me where you were during those 28 hours...

I really hate to keep bothering you this way,

but I just gotta know where you were all that time.

You hate to keep bothering me?

If you hate bothering me so much, why don't you stop it?

I think I will.

My way isn't working.

These men are taking you in for questioning.

I think you're right, this way is better.

Come along, ma'am.

Hold her by the car, fellas. I'll be right with you.

Oh, Mr. Brantley?

I'm in here.

Come look at these headlines, Columbo,

in papers from all over the world.

The Middle East, the Far East.

Places where the magazine isn't even sold,

but soon will be. And it's all thanks to you.

They're putting her in handcuffs.

What're you doing?

She's a suspect in a homicide.

I have a warrant to that effect,

and I'm taking her in for questioning.

Columbo, what is the matter with you?

I've tried to reason with you. I've tried persuading you.

I have cooperated with you, but I've never begged.

Now I'm begging you.

Don't subject this young girl to this humiliation.

It's not fair.

I appreciate your concern, but there's nothing I can do.

Columbo, you're the most stubborn man I have ever met.

There's nothing I can do about that, sir.

What can I do to stop you from this insane behavior?

Tell the truth.

Look, look, this arrived this morning,

air carrier from Cartier in Florence.

Look at this. It's a beautiful antique clock.

And there's a card that goes with it.

Look, look at the card.

"Darling, having a shopping spree of my own. Love, Dian."

That handwriting looks just like the handwriting on the postcard.

Don't go.

Are you absolutely certain?

You are certain?

Columbo.

I tried to tell you, Lieutenant.

In conclusion, I would like to thank Lieutenant Columbo,

who managed to solve a murder that never even happened,

and left no chateau flowerbed unprobed.

In fact, it was Lieutenant Columbo's zealousness and dedication...

that made worldwide headlines of my idle wanderings.

It was those same headlines that convinced me...

to catch the next plane home.

A toast...

to Lieutenant Columbo,

my savior.

Lieutenant, I really got to hand it to you.

You are a brilliant detective. I mean that.

The way you gathered all the evidence and...

followed up with all the clues and pieced it together and...

solved the murder that never happened.

Brilliant.

Here's to brilliance.

Oh, no, sir, it was you and Miss Hunter that were brilliant.

You used me to get a lot of free publicity.

You made a fool out of me.

But I gotta hand it to you, you did it well.

Come on, Columbo, don't take it so bad.

You win some, you lose some.

Now you want to tell me where you were?

I was with a very famous producer in his place in Malibu.

The end of a perfect day.

I will admit, Dian, you had me worried.

I was sure this bastard partner of yours had done you in.

The truth is, Sir Harry,

I went away to give myself time to make sure...

I really wanted to sell Bachelor's World.

And?

I've decided not to sell.

At least not at your price.

My offer's fair. It's what the magazine's worth.

Was worth, Sir Harry.

According to this issue's circulation figures,

the magazine is worth twice what it was last week.

Due entirely to your disappearance,

rumors of foul play and Lieutenant Columbo's speculations.

And the next issue will be even bigger.

My future bride bares all.

Again.

All right, I'll up my offer by two million dollars.

Save your breath, Matthews. The magazine's not for sale.

Not dollars.

Up it by two million pounds and we may have a deal.

I'll be at your office at 10:00 tomorrow to discuss it.

There's no need to worry about your future, Sean.

I'm a generous man.

I'll give you a month to pack up your trollops...

and vacate this overpriced bordello.

Looking good.

I get to move again.

Shopping spree leaves in 10 minutes, girls.

Come in.

You're really thinking about selling, aren't you?

You know,

I've been thinking about selling for a long time.

The only reason I went along with your disappearance scheme...

was just to milk more money out of Sir Harry.

Are you so stupid...

you think I did it just to increase circulation?

You still haven't figured it out yet,

have you, sweetheart?

How long do you think I'd let you threaten me...

with selling my magazine to that swine?

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking how wonderful life would be...

if you just disappeared.

Forever.

– Good night, Miss Hunter. – Good night.

How much did it cost the tax payers to dig up the chateau?

I don't know. We haven't gotten...

Just round it off, Chief. We don't need an exact figure.

Is it true that tonight...

Johnny Carson is doing a skit on the LAPD?

What paper do you work for?

– Why, you looking for a job? – Very funny.

Is it true the mayor recommended you drop the case?

No, no, that's not true at all. No.

What do you think the chances are that Sean will sue the city?

Yes, that's a good question.

What?

She's disappeared again.

Again?

Again.

Okay.

Excuse us, folks. We've just had a little, tiny emergency.

Nothing big, nothing important. We'll be right back.

They found an abandoned car. Sir Harry Matthews called.

She missed an important meeting. The woman has disappeared.

She is gone, she is gone.

Listen, I don't want to get burned again.

Whatever happens, keep Columbo away from that chateau.

He's not to go near that place. Now, that's an order, you hear?

That's an order.

Hey.

Hey!

Slow down, man!

Morning.

Columbo,

Columbo.

In here.

Thank God you're here. Dian's missing again.

I called the police, but I was concerned...

they might send someone else.

Oh, that's nice to hear, sir.

Sir Harry Matthews also called when...

Miss Hunter didn't show up...

at his office this morning for that meeting.

Making me, once again, the prime suspect, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. I'm sure you have a perfect alibi.

Thank God. I last saw Dian...

just before I went out for a shopping spree.

Well, Dian Hunter was logged out of the main gate,

well, that would have been just about the time...

you and all the girls were on your shopping spree.

So you have a perfect alibi again, sir.

I am impressed by your quick grasp of the situation, Lieutenant.

I was worried that you might jump to the wrong conclusion again...

and accuse me of foul play.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that, sir.

Even though I know that...

the woman driving Miss Hunter's car last night...

was not Miss Hunter.

What?

It wasn't her.

This is a videotape...

of the surveillance camera at the front gate.

There is no doubt about it. That is Dian.

Don't you see something missing in that picture, sir?

What's missing?

Where's her bracelet?

Like the bracelet that matches yours, sir.

Where is it on that picture?

She forgot to wear it. She probably left it at home.

Well, why would she do that, sir?

The last time she left, she wore it all the way to Europe.

Besides, I just checked her jewelry box.

It's not there.

More importantly, where is Dian?

Oh, you got me, sir.

The only thing we have to go on is...

we found her car in a tow-away zone,

oh, maybe four blocks from where you and the girls were shopping.

So, once again, Dian's missing and I'm suspect.

The only thing I suspect, sir,

is that you and Dian are setting me up to solve...

another perfect crime that never happened.

Columbo, do you think...

Dian and I are capable of such a diabolical scheme?

Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure of it.

You two left a string of false clues that...

really had me convinced.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There was that terrific scene, that emotional argument that...

you and Miss Hunter...

played for the benefit of her secretary,

knowing that it was being recorded...

and that she would overhear it and want to tell somebody about it.

There was the shot in the alley. I got that one wrong.

I thought the double fired the shot into Miss Hunter.

But it was Miss Hunter that fired the shot into the air,

so that they would hear it in the kitchen.

And then we would find your shell casing in the alley.

And then there was that coffee and cream thing...

Miss Hunter did for the cameras down at the airport.

That was a good clue. But the real convincer...

That was those hairs that you planted in the backseat.

That proved there had to be a double...

and that the body had to be back here at the chateau.

Which, of course, it wasn't. I told you that many times.

But you knew I would have to bring in an army...

to search a place this size.

I gotta hand it to you, you did it all beautifully.

And I really believed it.

Of course, if I hadn't, neither would the press,

and then you wouldn't have gotten all those headlines,

and a few million more people to buy your magazine.

Which they did.

Which caused Sir Harry to up his price,

which is why Miss Hunter, quote "agreed to disappear."

She underestimated you, didn't she, sir?

It never occurred to her that you were setting her up...

to be an accomplice to her own murder.

I still don't know what you're talking about.

The first time she disappeared was all play-acting.

But this time, you killed her, sir.

Why? Why would I do that?

To get control of her magazine.

Your articles of incorporation provide...

that if either party is incapacitated for 30 days or longer,

the other partner has sole power of attorney.

So even if the body is never found,

you've got control of the magazine.

That's nonsense.

There's no point in denying it, sir.

You killed her, you hid the body,

you sent everybody off on a shopping spree...

so one of your Nymphs could double as Dian without being missed.

Probably that girl Tina, who thinks you're gonna marry her.

Okay, Columbo, you think I killed her,

then you find the body. Start digging.

Oh, no, sir. You know that...

with all the bad publicity the police department got,

you know I can't tear this place apart again.

You've put me in the position of the little boy who cried wolf.

I gotta hand it to you. You committed the perfect crime.

There's no way I can convince you you're wrong, is there?

You know why you can't?

No, why?

You see that?

She's wearing Miss Hunter's mink coat. Now see this.

Look at these fur coats. All in bags.

And the lady in that convertible is wearing Miss Hunter's coat.

But where's the empty storage bag?

There's one missing. Where is it?

I give up. Where is it?

You know that better than anybody, sir.

The body's in the storage bag...

to keep it from smelling when it decomposes.

Enough, Columbo.

I've had it with you, you and your fantastic accusations.

Now, get the hell out of here.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't blame you for being angry.

Before I go, sir,

do you mind if I use your phone?

Go ahead.

Don't worry, sir, it's a local call.

Thank you, sir. Sorry to bother you.

Did you hear that?

When I didn't see Miss Hunter's beeper...

on whoever it was who drove through the main gate last night,

and I couldn't find it in her jewelry box,

I figured you left it on her body.

I got the number from the mobile phone company.

And you just saw me dial in my message.