Original subtitles

Good evening, interns, patients and curiosity seekers.

One of the marvels of television is its educational value.

A few years ago, only a handful of people

could have witnessed this rare and delicate operation.

Now, because of television, millions may witness this event,

including the subject herself,

for we are going to present her with a film of tonight's proceedings

together with a projector,

to say nothing of a beautiful charm bracelet.

Each charm to represent a phase of the operation

with replicas of each organ removed.

Incidentally, we call our program

"This is your..." a sentence we don't finish

until we see how the operation turns out.

And now, gentlemen, you may make the incision.

Uh, stop. This is a dramatization.

Uh, just a moment. Uh, just a moment. We forgot the anesthetic.

However, I have something here that will put anyone to sleep

in just 60 seconds.

This is a new account, Piper.

I want you to see that it's given every courtesy.

Why certainly, sir.

Is everything all right?

All right, sir?

Oh, you mean in the office. Oh, yes, sir, perfectly.

The counter business a little slack, but then it usually is about now.

Well, that needn't affect our general morale, need it?

Oh, it certainly need not, sir.

I think everyone's working at tempo.

If not allegro, then certainly sostenuto, as we musically minded might put it.

(MILLIE LAUGHS)

(DRAWER CLOSES)

Yes.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I'm surprised at you, Miss Manners.

You're gonna get me fired.

That's the last thing I'd want.

Don't forget our luncheon date. 12:00 sharp.

Oh, but...

Mr. Piper?

Good morning, Mr. Manett.

Good morning.

The usual 50s? That's right.

Make it used ones this time, will you?

Last time you gave me new bills, they kept sticking together all night.

I found myself putting more than I wanted to into the pot.

Pot? Yeah.

You know, poker.

Oh, so you're a gambler, Mr. Manett?

Well, only technically.

Gamblers are guys who think money talks.

Poker players listen to the cards.

I make a living playing the cards against the gamblers.

Now don't tell me you're against gambling, Mr. Piper.

Oh, by no means.

As long as it's within one's means, of course.

Well, I figure it's the way you're made.

With some people it's sport, you know, like golf or anything else.

Me, I got to exercise the old cranium.

Pretty strenuous exercise it is, too.

You got to train for it like any other exercise.

See, one of the secrets of my success is training, Mr. Piper.

Is that so?

Most guys I do business with drink.

I don't.

Before I get in a game, I go home and sleep.

By the time the other guys can't tell the treys from the aces,

I'm still alive and sandbagging them.

Mr. Manett, forgive me.

I don't know if you're aware of it, but we have a new manager in the branch.

Oh.

And, well, you know the old saying about new brooms?

Oh, sure, I get you.

I suggest if you want to keep your account in this bank,

you'd better not discuss your profession quite so loudly.

Oh, I forgot.

Might get the place a bad name, huh?

Thanks, Mr. Piper.

Miss Manners.

Oh, yes, Mr. Farnsworth.

Would you file these, please, put them in the vault?

Yes, thank you.

All set? Let's go.

I can't possibly, Mr. Piper.

Mr. Farnsworth just gave me these bonds I have to file and return them to the vault.

But we'll miss our table. Can't you do it after lunch?

I daren't leave them just lying around.

Oh, is that all?

Oh, Mr. Piper.

There we are. Safe as Fort Knox.

Well?

Well, okay.

No more, Mr. Piper, really.

The name is George.

That's very nice of you, but all the same, I think if you don't mind

I'll just keep it Mr. Piper.

Tell me, my dear, what's wrong?

Wrong?

Yes, what have you got against me?

Nothing.

That is...

Nothing.

I'm too old for you, is that it?

I don't know how old you are.

Well, let's say you'd like me better if I was younger.

It's not a matter of likes or dislikes.

May I be honest?

Isn't that what I'm asking?

Well, a girl has to look out for herself, doesn't she?

And not that I listen to gossip,

but from what I hear, I'm not the first girl you've asked out from the bank.

And if what they say is true, it never comes to anything.

Not that it has to, of course,

but with younger men, there's always a chance that it may become serious,

whereas, as everyone says...

Who is this everyone you keep referring to?

Well, the girls at the bank.

I see.

Well, you can't expect them not to talk, can you?

Well, as I said, with a younger man, there's always a chance

they may be willing to take a gamble.

But when you're older... My dear,

I don't think anyone's ever been able to reproach me with being afraid of a gamble.

As a matter of fact... Well, look who's here.

George, you old so and so, what are you doing here?

This is my brother. Miss Manners, a fellow employee at the bank.

Oh, how very nice. Hello.

Must be very pleasant having someone as agreeable as you around all day, Miss Manners.

Fred.

Oh, George, I been wanting to get hold of you.

Got a proposition that might interest you.

Tell you what, I'll give you a call sometime this evening.

Nice meeting you, Miss Manners. Thank you.

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING)

Yes, then we can have dinner and take in a picture.

Oh, you can't, huh?

Well, maybe you could stop in for a drink anyway.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Just a second, Barbara.

Who is it?

It's me, Fred.

Come on in.

You'll have to excuse me, Barbara. I'll call you later.

Mmm-hmm.

Bye, my dear.

You certainly live it up.

Well, I hope you're not gonna be long. I have a date this evening.

Most every other evening, eh, Georgie Boy?

You certainly know how to pick 'em.

That was quite a doll you were having lunch with today.

May I?

What do you want to see me about?

George, have you ever thought about what's gonna happen to you in a few years' time?

You're gonna be on the shelf,

pensioned off, given the old buzaroo.

And on what? Half your basic?

Things aren't gonna get any cheaper.

You aren't gonna stop wanting what you've always had.

And what you want isn't going to get cheaper.

Food, wine, girls. Particularly girls.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Pardon my vulgarity, dear boy.

No. No, I won't pardon it. You are vulgar. Disgustingly vulgar!

Do you think I haven't faced the problem of retirement, of old age?

I'd give anything not to have to face it. But don't worry, I'll find a way.

That's my boy. That's my Georgie Boy.

I always said you had it in you.

Oh, shut up.

No, no, I mean it. You may not have been in the dough,

but you've always lived like you were.

And what you've had, they can't take away from you.

As for what's to come, well, that's what I want to talk to you about.

What you need right now is the kind of investment that'll bring you in

that extra bit of cash to make things easier for you when the...

Okay, okay, put it any way you like,

but what you need is additional income. Am I right?

Well, boy, I've got the very thing right here.

As nice a little proposition as ever I've had to deal with.

Now, really, Fred.

No, no, this is solid.

Look, I've got the figures right here to prove it.

All that's wrong is that it's been run into the ground through sheer incompetence.

Now here, look. Just take a look at that.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't believe it.

How anyone could have let a fine business like this run down.

His old man built up this business. Now all he thinks he has to do is milk it.

And, boy, has he milked it.

Not that it couldn't be put back on its feet again. And that's where we come in.

Right now, a 50-50 share would cost us only $10,000.

$10,000? He'd soon run that into the ground.

Then we'll be able to take over the whole shebang.

Just a little maneuvering.

And how much of the $10,000 are you prepared to put up?

Oh, come on, now, George. You know how I'm fixed.

But you must have a nice little nest egg stowed away.

Must I? Sure.

And if not, well, there are ways and means.

I mean, a man in your position with all that ready cash at your disposal.

Are you by any chance suggesting that I embezzle the bank's money?

Don't tell me you've never thought of it.

Of course, I've thought of it.

I'm sure a great many tellers have weighed their chances.

And not one who hasn't had the sense to realize that he hasn't got a chance.

Okay, okay.

Personally, I'd rather take a chance on a straightforward holdup

than try to bamboozle the bank examiners.

There isn't a trick those babies aren't down to.

All right, forget it.

Embezzlement.

(LAUGHING) No.

Really, my dear Freddy, why not blackmail?

As a matter of fact, blackmail is far and away the safest form of crime there is,

provided, of course, one takes reasonable precautions.

You'd make a pretty good blackmailer.

Don't be impertinent.

All the same, I fancy I have certain qualities that might have proved useful,

had I chosen to embark on a life of crime.

But blackmail... No, I don't think so. I haven't the patience.

You know, that's my greatest weakness, impatience.

Something more immediate, more dramatic.

A murder, for instance.

Yes, why not? Given the right subject.

Now, this client I was telling you about, perfect.

Mixes in questionable circles.

Known to go around at night with quite large sums of money on him.

No one likely to be seriously upset by his death.

Well, in every way a suitable victim. Now,

all that remains is to choose the time when he has the required amount on him,

and to dispose of the money in such a way that it could never be traced.

Swallow it, for instance.

You know what I would do in my position?

I'd rent a safety deposit box at a suburban bank.

Under a phony name, of course.

Good point. You're learning.

But I might not be able to put the money into the box for a few days.

So until that time...

You'd put it in a sock and hide it in your dresser?

No.

No, I'd put it where they'd never think to look,

where it would become utterly invisible.

And where would that be, Houdini?

You tell me.

Well, I will as soon as it comes off.

In the meantime, you don't mind if I look somewhere else for the money, do you?

Hmm, Georgie Boy?

There you are, sir.

Good afternoon.

Mr. Piper.

I'm afraid that'll only leave a couple of 100 or so in the account.

$246.38.

Hey, that's all right.

Have you got all your accounts figured like that?

No, no.

I'm afraid I'll have to go to the vault for this. It's quite a large amount.

The usual fifties. Hey, why don't you rub it a little for luck, huh?

Some of it may rub off on you.

I hope so, Mr. Manett. I certainly hope so.

Fred, where have you been? It's I, George.

Fred, you remember that business proposition you talked to me about?

Yes, well, is it still open?

Well, I'm expecting a little windfall, and I...

Gambling? Yes, in a sort of way.

I just wanted to know if it was still open.

Good. Good, then I'll let you know.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Good evening, Mr. Manett.

Well, good to see you, Mr. Piper.

Not so loud, please.

You know how it is with the bank. I shouldn't be here at all.

Oh, yeah, Mr. New Broom. Come on in.

Now, what's this all about?

Well, I think I overpaid you this afternoon.

I mean, I'm short on my cash tally

and the bank examiners are due first thing Monday morning.

Well, let's just count and see, huh?

Fix yourself a drink.

Thanks.

Say, you sound pretty chirpy for a Monday morning, Mr. P.

Come into a fortune or something?

Or something.

MILLIE: Good morning, Mr. Martinson.

MARTINSON: Good morning.

Good morning, my dear.

Good morning, Mr. Piper.

How about lunch today? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Now, now, I won't take no for an answer.

Millie, there's something very important that I have to ask you.

Very important.

Look, Mr...

The boss wants you. Sounds important.

What's the matter, Mr. Piper? Nothing serious, I hope.

Serious?

Well, you look so strange.

Oh, it's... It's the thought of what I have to ask you. Until lunch, then.

Or, as they say in Italy, arrivederci.

I just can't believe it. I mean that it should be one of our accounts.

Oh, come in, Piper.

Piper, this is Sergeant Henderson from the police.

How do you do?

It seems that one of our depositors has been murdered.

Yes, I read it in the paper.

The name stood out because Mr. Manett always came to my station.

I was just about to come and tell you about it when you sent for me.

Well, go on, Sergeant.

What we found was a checkbook on this bank.

The last stub in it showed a check to be cashed for $15,000.

The money wasn't in the apartment.

Yes, sir. He cashed a check for that amount Friday afternoon.

I gave it to him in 50s. There's only 100 or so left in the account.

Good. You have the serial numbers?

No, we don't usually note them.

Well, at least we can establish that he left here Friday afternoon

with $15,000 in cash on him.

As of now, you're the only one who knew he had it.

Well, I could hardly be expected not to know, could I?

I also know of several other depositors

who left the bank with large amounts of cash on them.

Okay, okay. Now, just for the record, where were you Friday night,

say between 5:00 p.m. and 10:00?

In my apartment, reading.

Piper here has been with the bank for more than 30 years.

He has an impeccable record.

Of course, he knew that this man had the money.

But if you're, with the slightest chance,

suggesting that Piper here might have done it,

would he have left his checkbook there to lead you here, Sergeant?

Don't get excited, Mr. Farnsworth.

At Manett's apartment, nobody saw anything, nobody heard anything,

nobody left any fingerprints that shouldn't be there.

Ballistics probably can't trace the weapon.

So Mr. Piper could have done it just as well as anyone else.

Only he didn't.

Nobody whose been a bank teller for 30 years

would leave himself that wide open.

So we'll just have to go about it in the usual way.

Pass the word around and wait till somebody starts flashing $50 bills.

Thanks for the information.

Don't mention it.

Sergeant, would it be possible to avoid publicity to the bank?

I'm sure there will be some way that we can show our appreciation.

There wouldn't be any way you could do that, Mr. Farnsworth.

This is bad, Piper. This is very bad.

We'll be blamed for having accepted an account from such a fellow.

But it was a good account, Mr. Farnsworth.

Not that good, Piper, not that good.

And suppose that detective reports that I tried to bribe him.

He won't. Besides, they may never catch anyone.

In that case, we just keep quiet and no one need know anything about it.

Don't be a fool, Piper.

You know perfectly that I have to report this downtown.

And then I have to try to explain

exactly why we took this account.

You may not know this, Piper,

but my name is being considered for a vice-presidency of the bank.

Now what do you think will happen?

Oh, come now, Mr. Farnsworth. I'm sure you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You think so? You think they select vice presidents

from among branch managers whose depositors get murdered?

Even the way we carried it will make it worse.

Green goods broker.

Yes, but you could hardly be expected to know

the kind of green goods, Mr. Farnsworth.

(CHUCKLING)

Look, they'll understand.

Understand nothing.

All they'll understand is that I didn't know who I was doing business with.

You said that he always came to your station.

Now, do you mean to tell me that there was nothing

to give you an inkling about Manett?

I ask you a question, I expect you to answer!

Well, perhaps Mr. Manett did say things now and then that may have made me suspicious.

But it was a good account on the books. It was helping the branch standing.

And that was good for you, Mr. Farnsworth.

If I did wrong in keeping my suspicions to myself, I did it with the best of intentions.

You know what the road to hell is paved with, don't you?

Mr. Farnsworth, I have had over 30 years service with this company.

You just stated it was an impeccable record.

I have never been reprimanded.

If a reprimand is called for in this case,

I will be ready to accept it from those who've known me much longer than you have.

What it boils down to is

that you didn't report an account about which you were suspicious.

And now you're standing on your record

and claiming the right to make one mistake, eh?

Well, I've got news for you.

I have absolutely nothing to lose and perhaps a great deal to gain

by taking decisive action.

Send in Martinson, will you, please?

You, Piper, are fired.

You can't do that. My record.

I can't do that, huh? We'll see about that. Come in here.

Yes, sir?

Martinson, as of this minute, you take over as head teller.

Very well, I'll just count up...

No!

You tally out Piper's cash.

You heard what I said.

Give him the key, Piper.

The key, Piper, the key!

I can now report that the operation was a huge success.

Our patient now has what she wanted:

perfect measurements, 36, 0, 36.

So much for Operation Operation.

Now a word from you know who,

after which I shall toddle back.

I'm sorry to say that after further consideration,

the girl on whom we operated became unhappy with the results.

She learned that two cannot live as cheaply as one.

For one thing, she had to buy a sidecar for her motorcycle.

Things like that.

So while she's pulling herself together,

I would like to say that I shall be back next week with another play.

Until then, good night.