Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(instrumental rock music)

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♫ All my life I've been a logical man

♫ But I've seen things I just don't understand

♫ Feeling the feelings I never thought I would

♫ I don't understand it but it sure feels good

♫ If you were to smell it

♫ Or see with my eyes

♫ But there's a truth I've gotta realize

♫ I've always been blind

♫ But now I can see

♫ It almost makes me believe in a miracle

♫ Yes a miracle

♫ Whoa

♫ Dreamin' and steamin' however I could

♫ Not really doin' the things that I should

- [Man] Repent for the kingdom of God is nigh!

Thank you brother!

♫ Couldn't find my way no matter how hard I've tried

♫ Didn't know I was lost

♫ Didn't know I was blind

♫ Til you opened my eyes with the light you shine

♫ When I found your love it made everything new

♫ It almost makes me believe in a miracle

♫ Yeah yeah

♫ Come on

- [Sam] Frankie, you know the rules.

No eating in in the car.

Lose it.

- [Man] Ya jerk!

- [Jamal] We really need to consider getting some real jobs

so we can make some real money.

I mean, come on.

- Real job?

Are you out of your mind?

Gentlemen, we are livin' the dream, man!

We got no responsibilities, travelin' the country.

This is the first day of the rest of our lives.

- Uh oh, here he come.

- [Frankie] Yeah I think I've heard

this song and dance before.

- Okay, alright, I understand.

The singing concierge's gig didn't work out exactly.

- I like being called a singing concierge.

- Frankie, you don't sing!

- That's true.

- You know isn't it illegal for them to just

fire us just like that anyway?

- It should be.

Which just proves you should never put your faith and trust

in the powers that be.

- It's Frankie's fault.

- Hey, you know what?

The big girl was wearing a shirt that said guess?

So I said, 350 pounds.

- She's the boss's daughter, Frankie!

- That don't make her thin.

- Guys, forget it!

This next gig is the one

that's gonna make us a lot of money.

- Look Sam, since we were kids every time

you had a good idea, something really bad happened.

- Look I'm telling you guys, they haven't all been bad.

- [Jamal] Not buyin' it.

- We're just ahead of our time.

Stick with me here 'cause I feel it.

There is something big on the horizon for us.

Big.

- Hey, hold on a sec.

Look at that right there, right there, right, right, right.

I got a coupon right here.

It says free reading by Big Ursula.

- Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, Frankie,

don't you know that's all just a bunch of hocus pocus?

- Yes, exactly.

- What is?

What's a bunch of hocus pocus?

- That, all of it.

Fortune tellers, ghosts, goblins, vampires,

meditation, God himself, I mean I'm tellin' ya

it's all illogical and unscientific.

- [Jamal] That's right.

- Unless you can touch it, feel it, or smell it,

my friend, it's all ancient superstition.

- Frankie, Sam's right.

It's an abomination.

- Sam, let's go, come on.

- It's a sin, man.

- How would you know?

You don't go to church.

- My great grandmama Lula Pearl, God rest her soul,

precious, love you, grandma,

she taught me everything I need to know about sin.

- Come on, Sam, let's go!

- Alright fine, five minutes tops.

- Yes!

- We'll stop, pull over, see Ursula.

We'll get a bite to eat.

We'll be outta there!

- [Jamal] See why do you get to decide where we go

and what we do?

- [Sam] Study your history, Jamal.

The man with the car has always historically

been the boss of said passengers.

(rock music)

♫ It's not in my head but it's deep in my heart

♫ It almost makes me believe

♫ In a miracle

(brakes squealing)

- [Jamal] Man, where'd you learn how to brake?

- [Frankie] Comin' in, Sam?

- [Sam] No!

- [Jamal] Abomination!

- [Frankie] I'll be right back with some good news!

- [Sam] Rusty's Sports Bar, huh?

Maybe that's where we'll go for lunch.

- Man, I got a bad, bad feeling about this, Sam.

A bad feeling about this.

- Seriously, you're overreacting.

It's like we're in Mayberry, USA here.

We're fine.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Hi.

- You boys aren't from around here, are you?

- Oh, no, Officer.

No we are not.

- Whatcha doin' here?

- Well, as you can see, Mr. Officer of the law,

we are patrons of one of your fine local establishments.

- That's right.

You know Mr. Officer, I'm sure you heard of us.

We're the famous singing concierge.

(sings) La!

- (sings) La!

- (sings) Ah! Hey.

- You know you're double parked?

- No, sir.

But if you hum a few bars, I'd try to fake it.

Hey!

- That's not what he meant.

- Maybe I should check your plates.

Just in case y'all are dangerous fugitives

runnin' from the law.

- That's not necessary.

- Hey Frankie!

- Alright I'm gonna let you go.

But you boys watch yourselves, you hear?

- Oh that we will do, Mr. Officer of the law.

- I am grateful from the bottom of my heart.

- Sam, she read my palm and she said son,

this is your lucky day.

Then she gave me a free bottle of glory be!

- Frankie, I don't care and get rid of that.

You can't drink in the car.

Now!

Get rid of it!

- Fine!

(bottle breaking)

- Really Frankie?

- Outta the car!

Get over on that curb!

Come on, all of you!

All three of you!

Sit over there on that curb.

- [Sam] Officer, I can explain.

- Shut up!

Over there!

Let's go!

Sit!

I knew the three of you were up to no good

the minute I saw you roll into town.

- Good thing he didn't see the tickets

in the glove compartment.

- What's that?

Speeding tickets?

Tickets, tickets, tickets!

Just as I thought.

A bunch of law breakers.

(cell door closing)

- Some lucky day.

- Day ain't over yet.

- Ah look at the bright side, boys.

Tomorrow we'll go before some small town

chucklehead judge who's probably a deacon

at the corner church.

Play our cards right, we can get him to forgive us,

as every good Christian should,

and we will be on our way.

- Say, say I got an idea on how to get us outta here!

- Whatcha thinkin' Jamal?

- Everybody who goes to jail gets saved.

Ain't that right, Frankie?

- I pretty much got saved every time I was in jail

and baptized too if there were any water in the toilet.

(laughs)

- Saved?

You know somebody who can bust us outta here?

- I'm not talking about that kinda saved, Sam.

I'm talking about the get religion kinda saved.

- Wait a minute.

You expect me to go before a judge

and convince him that I suddenly found religion?

You know I don't believe any of this stuff.

- You don't have to believe it.

You just gotta make sure that the judge believes it, Sam!

Gentlemen, we are all gonna get saved!

(church organ music)

- [Rusty] Looks like our Reverend Freeman's a no show.

- It's probably a good thing.

I think our good friend here, Judge Cartwright

was gonna put him away for a pretty long time.

- It's kind of a shame really.

He's not a bad fella.

- Problem is, where are we gonna find a reverend

dumb enough to fall for your plan?

- Just remember there's a sucker born every minute.

- All rise.

The Honorable Judge Calden Cartwright.

- You can go ahead and sit down.

- City of Rocky Road calls the Reverend Freeman

on the charge of stealing an exhaustion

from a community church.

- Your Honor?

- [Judge] Yes, Mr. Pickens.

- It seems that Reverend Freeman's a no show.

We've got Officer Marrow out looking for him right now.

- Very well, then.

Next case.

- City calls the strangers from out of town.

What are you stooges looking at?

Is that your dumb face or you always look like that?

Get on over there, you nitwit!

- There's some very serious charges against you here.

- Mr. Honorable Judge of the local law of Rocky Road,

I believe I can explain.

There were a plethora of unfortunate circumstances

that betwixt us in front

of the one local business establishment.

- Yes, Your Honor.

We, the accused of certain crimes against

our fellow humanity, we stand before you as changed men.

- That's right, Your Honor.

You see, last night, we all got saved

and have turned from our wicked ways.

- So you spent a night in the clink and then you met Jesus?

- Yes, we found Jesus!

- Exactly, Your Honor!

- We were heathens out in the wilderness, Your Honor,

and we were lost and have come to our senses!

- Like the prayers of Rocky Road Community Church

have been answered.

- Looks like we could get three for the price of one.

- Three blind saints leading the blind (laughs).

- How about you?

Are you saved too?

- Tell him how you got saved, Sam.

Tell him.

- Yes, absolutely.

I went to the lost and found

and in God now I trust.

All dogs go to heaven.

- Come on now, son, testify!

Tell 'em how you saw that bright light, Sam!

- Oh yes, right, the light.

- Yeah, the light!

- Of course how could I forget the bright light?

Boom!

Right in the noodle.

And it was so intense that

I fell to the ground!

- [Jamal] Booya, smack, wow!

- And then I heard angels singing.

- (singing) Freedom.

- No, no, no, no, they had much higher voices.

They were much more girly.

- (singing) Freedom.

- A little higher.

A little higher.

(Frankie and Jamal's voices raising in pitch)

That's the stuff.

And then I heard the voice.

Sounded just like Mr. Charlton Heston.

And it said let the prisoners go.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- You don't wanna pull my leg, son.

I got a bad hip.

- Judge, Your Honor, may I have the privilege

of addressing the court?

- The Court recognizes Mr. Rusty Pickens.

- How ya doin' Calvin?

- Pretty good, Rusty.

How's yourself?

- [Rusty] Oh just fine.

- What can the court do for you this fine day?

- Because of the misdeeds of one man

the Rocky Road Community Church

is in dire peril and I request that you release

these three fine men to my custody

to do little community service

if it please the court.

- Well, it does please the court.

So I am going to sentence you three gentlemen

to custody of one of our leading citizens

and businessmen Mr. Rusty Pickens

to be reviewed again in three weeks.

It's not nice to fool Judge Cartwright.

Court is adjourned.

(gavel pounds)

- [Sam] Okay what just happened?

- Congratulations, boys.

You are now a part of team Rusty,

bringing pride and honor to the community of Rocky Road.

Now your assignment is to get the Rocky Road Church

up and running and prospering once again.

- What?

You're yankin' our chain.

- No, no, now hold on, Sam.

Now let's hear the man out.

- You boys are from big town.

I know you don't know who I am.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Rusty Pickens, proprietor of Rusty's Sports Bar.

I also run the town, the court, the jail, church.

Tell 'em how it is, Beverly.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Pickens.

Alright boys, here's how it's gonna go.

You, you're gonna work with the kids.

And you, you're gonna handle the music.

And you, you're gonna be our preacher.

- Would you give us just one quick second?

- Take all the time you need.

- Thank you.

These people have lost their marbles.

- They're crazy loco patho.

- There's no time here.

No.

- Excuse me, Mr. Pickens.

We don't wanna appear to be ungrateful

for your inexhaustible benevolence

portrayed to us strangers

while we're in this terrible fix in your fair city.

- What's your point?

- We don't have a doggone clue on how to run a church, sir.

- We have no idea.

- What he said.

- Boys, boys, boys.

What is there to know?

All you've gotta do is do one one-hour service a week.

- One hour a week?

That's not that bad.

When we were in there in front of the judge

we were pretending!

- You just preach peace and love.

You do have some peace and love in you, don't you?

- Yeah.

- Well sure ya do!

- Yeah, sure.

- Then you collect the money.

- Money?

Did you say money?

- He said cash money.

- I heard money.

- All your parking tickets will disappear.

- Oh really?

- And you can live for free in the parsonage

next to the church.

- And you said money, right?

- Plus you get a thousand dollars a piece.

- Would you hold that thought

while I check in with my constituents?

- You bet.

- Three weeks!

- Of loving kindness.

- A dozen bucks.

How hard could this be?

- [All] We'll do it!

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Here we are, boys.

Home sweet home.

- Man I don't even remember the last time I was in church.

Fellas, what did we get ourselves into?

- Oh my gentlemen, gird up thy loins

for the promised land awaits us.

- Yeah.

- Here they are, ladies and gentlemen, your new ministers.

Formerly of the local jail outreach program,

now called to serve us here.

I know you'll all wanna make 'em welcome.

If you'll excuse me now I've got

some business to take care of.

Good luck boys.

- Welcome, welcome, gentlemen.

We're privileged to have three men of God

such as yourselves here.

I'm Sister Louise.

And if you need anything, just let me know, okay?

Now men you go and make yourselves known.

- Okay, music man.

We need to get something straight from the very beginning.

- We don't want any hippie music up in here.

- [Jamal] Hippie music?

- That's right.

No rock and roll either.

- We ain't no charismatic church, either.

So don't start any of that layin' on of hands, right?

- You need to tell those teenage kids

that we do not allow tattoos

and we do not allow any piercings.

Tongue piercings, lip piercings, nose piercings,

or any other kind of piercings

which I am too much of a Christian lady to mention.

- Or any of that speakin' in tongues.

We don't want any wildfire.

- Wildfire.

- Now I only have one word for you.

12 o'clock.

- That's actually two words.

- Well, it may be two words

but 12 o'clock only comes once a day

and on Sunday at 12 o'clock we need to be

walking out that door.

Now do we have an understanding?

Yeah I think we do.

- You please tell them that.

I'm glad we understand each other.

- I definitely will.

- I don't think we'll have a chance

of any wildfire around here.

- As long as we've got that clear.

You have a nice day and we'll see ya in church.

- I can't get along with those people.

- Well, well, well.

Mickey and Minnie and Dopey.

- Hey, Geppetto, how ya doing, from court?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, didn't recognize you without the...

- Yeah, and I'm the guard down at the bank, too.

- And you go to church here.

- For 64 years.

I've seen 'em come, I've seen 'em go.

Not much happens around here that I don't know about.

So, old Rusty Pickens has got hold of you guys, has he?

Remember, not all are saints who go to church.

- Ooh.

- Well I know you young men are probably tired by now.

I guess you better be getting on over to where you staying.

It's right next door.

And there's a wonderful godly named Tiffany

and she'll have a key, let you in.

Oh, and I can't wait to hear your sermon tomorrow.

(laughs)

I'm sure we'll all be very surprised.

- Well, ah, Sister, if he can make it through his sermon,

it'll be a miracle.

(Sister laughs)

- Amen, thank you very much, Sister.

Gentlemen, come on!

Let's go check out our five star accommodations

at the Rocky Road Church parsonage.

Here's where all the holy men are hanging out this year.

- Let's hope they have three different bedrooms.

- Hey man, how long we gonna have to wait?

- I could break in using a hair pin.

- Yeah, great idea Frank,

except ain't nobody here got a hairpin!

- Ah no, no, we don't wanna break in.

What would the godly woman Tiffany say?

Lordy, Lordy, Lord!

You boys broke into the church parsonage!

My godliness is aghast!

This will surely be the power of Satan!

- Can you help me, good sister?

- Oh Lordy!

- Free you now from the power of Satan!

You're saved brother!

- Stop, Sam.

- Start saying with me now.

Godly Tiffany says...

- Sam.

- Ah, your name wouldn't happen to be Tiffany, would it?

- Yeah, actually, godly Tiffany, to you.

- Of course you are.

Um, we were expecting somebody older.

- Yep.

- Much older.

- You're young.

- [Jamal] Much younger.

- And young.

- Well I am here by the power of Tiffany

to let you boys in the house.

- Listen, we were just making...

- Fun of me?

Or you have a problem with old people?

- No we love 'em.

The oldest people we know are elderly.

- Well the place could definitely use a little work.

But for some reason,

we can't seem to keep preachers around here long.

So I don't think that you'll be here either.

Do you really think you have the strength,

integrity, and honor to lead a congregation?

- Would you believe those were my best

subjects in Sunday school?

- Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?

- I guess we will.

- So I will leave you men of God here

to do whatever men of God do on a Saturday afternoon.

- Oh yes, we've got a very busy day, don't we boys?

- Oh very busy, busy, like...

- Saying our prayers.

- Saying our prayers.

- And feeding the poor.

- Oh we feed the poor.

- And kissing.

- What?

- Babies.

- [Jamal] Kissing them pretty little babies.

- [Frankie] And meeting with Rusty.

- Rusty Pickens?

Why would you meet with?

- It's a different Rusty.

- His dog Rusty.

- Oh you have a dog?

You can't have a dog here.

- No, but I had a dog.

But he died and so now

we gotta go pick out a little Rusty the dog casket.

- Okay.

- Poor old Rusty.

Sweetest most lovable, loyal dog you ever wanna know.

I can't believe he's gone.

- Okay.

- A bit much.

So anyway.

So listen, after I'm done burying the pooch,

I was wondering if maybe

you and I could ah...

- Just forget whatever you were thinking.

Guys, godly Tiffany is outta here.

See you at church.

(playful instrumental music)

(church bells ringing)

- Let's make this real easy.

- Easy?

There's nothing easy about these people.

- There's no way in heaven we can make these people happy.

- Will you listen to me?

I'm gonna tell you how the system works.

All you do is tell 'em their blessings

are right around the corner.

Smile at the kiddos.

Sing a few old songs.

Tell 'em what they wanna hear

and then you collect the money

and give it straight to Beverly.

Got it?

Good.

Let's go.

Oh, wait.

It might help if you put a duh or an ah into some words,

you know, like God-duh!

Church-ah!

Makes it sound more spiritual.

Alright go get 'em.

(energetic rock music)

- Amen.

- Amen!

- Amen.

Well glory child it's time for the hymn.

Please open your books to number 342.

We gonna sing that old great song.

I surrender all.

Amen?

Choir!

Rise.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(singing) I surrender all.

Yes!

- [All] (singing) I surrender all.

- (singing) All to Thee my blessed Savior

I...

(vocalizing) I...

Where's the love?

Sit down, choir.

Amen.

Sam, come on up here.

It's show time.

- Morning.

(mic feeds back)

Ooh.

This is your captain speaking.

Thanks for flying Sam Airlines.

My name is Sam and I'm your new pastor.

So you can call me Pastor Sam.

I'm here to preach my first sermon.

The first part of my sermon

which is about God.

Because that seems to be the cat you guys are into

so I'm gonna focus on him.

You know, according to Jamal's grandmother,

God is everywhere

which is just really, really creepy

if you think about it.

I mean

no me time?

Really?

I guess that's the point of the whole thing, so here we are.

If God is everywhere then I guess he's here

and that's a good thing!

- I don't know what he's talking about.

- If that's true, I got a lot of explaining to do.

And-duh, God-duh said-duh

let-ah there be light-ah.

And there was light!

Ah.

And the lighteth was brighteth

and Godeth said not my eyes!

Don't shine it on me.

And in the words of the prophet

(speaking in foreign language)

may the force be with you.

Floss daily.

Call your mother and don't be a jerk.

Amen.

- [Jamal] Amen!

(some audience applauding)

Amen!

- [Sam] Amen!

- The offering.

- [Sam] What?

- Offering.

- Hold up.

Show's not over.

Time to pay the piper.

Gotta get out the wallets and open them up.

We're gonna take the offering

because it all goes to a good cause.

So cough it up.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- The more you give, the more you shall receive!

Go ahead put that in.

You know God don't like folk to be cheap!

Amen?

(laughs) That's a good and faithful servant right there.

Hey, thank you very much all you congregants for your...

- Good job, good job.

That was absolutely perfect.

You boys have a good week now, ya hear?

- [Jamal] Well we will.

- Alright you can all pile in my car.

We're goin' over to Tiffany's for some home-cooked meals.

- Don't have to tell me twice!

- I'm there!

- Daddy, why don't you just sit right there?

You can see everybody.

Sister Louise, right next to daddy.

- Ooh I like that.

I'm gonna keep my bad eye on all this food.

But I'm gonna keep my good eye on this pretty little lady.

(Sister laughs)

- Okay, daddy, that's enough for poor Sister Louise.

You're embarrassing me.

- Well I just want you to know, Miss Tiffany,

that you're safe next to me.

I won't do anything to embarrass you.

- I know you won't 'cause you'll be sitting over there.

This is my son's spot.

- Of course it is.

- [Tiffany] Did you want a roll, Sister?

- You have a son?

- Yes I do.

- Wonderful.

That's cool.

- [Daddy] Hey, Johnny boy.

Johnny, come on in and sit down.

- Hi.

- Brother Sam, would you do us the honor

of saying the blessing over this food?

- I would be honored.

- Hey Sam, sure you cool with that?

I mean I know you probably tired from

got the glory on you from praying all day,

preaching, you know, let me go ahead and...

- I got it.

Oh dear God,

we come salivating to thy table

fired up to chow down on the fish of the sea

and the birds of the air.

Technically, chickens can't fly.

So I'm not exactly sure where they fit

into thy holy food chain.

Yeah, though, the word on the street

is that you're a kind and loving God.

We know that, ah,

(fly buzzing)

we, ah, know,

you would never actually

(swats table)

that you wouldn't hurt a fly

unless it was molesting the food on your banquet table.

Amen.

- Amen.

- And that was a very interesting sermon

you preached today, Reverend.

Short, too.

Just the way I like it.

- Well I feel like all preachers everywhere

should heed to the historical tradition

of being irrelevant yet modern by doing it in less time.

- You know this here preacher's a very wise man.

- Thank you.

- He is not wise, daddy.

He is a sarcastic man and he makes fun of old people.

- [Sam] I, it was...

- No offense, Sister.

- I, it was a joke.

She's kidding.

- Well God's power has a way of changing a man

until he don't hardly recognize himself anymore.

- So Johnny, that's a strong name.

You know, a lot of prolific men were named Johnny.

Johnny Carson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Unitas.

- Johnny on the spot.

- Well he was named after his daddy, you know.

- Really?

So not the toilet?

So, what do you wanna be when you grow up, Johnny?

You aspire to be a lawyer, fireman?

Hey, maybe even a preacher like me, huh?

- Yeah, that's right.

I wanna grow up to be a preacher full of hot air.

Just like you.

- Ooh.

- Or maybe I could be just like my daddy.

A good for nothin' free-loadin' deserter.

At least that's what my mom calls him.

- And I agree with that 100%.

- Johnny, sometimes people hurt us but they don't mean to.

When life gives us lemons, we gotta take 'em

like a bowl of cherries.

We gotta play the cards we're dealt.

But we gotta know when to hold 'em,

know when to fold 'em.

- [Johnny] I don't understand.

- Well said.

Let's eat.

- Don't you think it's a little strange, Sister,

how we can't seem to keep a preacher in this town?

I mean, Reverend Freeman disappears

and the same day the three stooges arrive

and they all know Rusty Pickens.

- Oh honey I learned a long time ago

not to judge a book by its cover.

The Lord has a mighty funny way of getting his will done

through some very unlikely people.

Besides, that preacher fella's kinda cute.

- He's cute if you think arrogance is cute

and 10 dollar words.

- Now I said it before and I say it now.

He's cute.

- Ladies, that was amazing.

- Thank you.

- Hey mom!

The guys wanna know if I can play football out in the lawn!

- No, honey.

We've been over this like 100 times.

I'm sorry.

- Oh mom.

- Sorry guy.

Wow, kinda overprotective, don't you think?

Kid's gotta get out there and toss around the old pigskin.

Roll around in the dirt, you know?

Have some fun.

- That's easy for you to say

'cause you have not spent nights and nights with him

in the hospital with a broken inhaler

gasping for breath due to an asthma attack.

- True, but what are you gonna do?

Coddle him his whole life?

Gotta give the boy some space!

Otherwise he'll end up with no friends, no girlfriends.

He'll have to find other ways to look and sound successful.

He'll grow up without a real life.

- Right.

Kind of like yours.

Just three middle-aged guys hangin' around.

- I'm not middle-aged.

And anyway, to really be middle-aged

you'd have to know exactly when you're gonna die

which, of course, nobody knows,

then divide it in half to find the middle.

So if you live to be 200, you wouldn't be middle-aged

until you were 100.

- Sam, everything that you just said

is compensating for something.

- Oh, okay, like you're not compensating for something?

Like, oh, I don't know,

husband who walked out on you

and now you don't wanna let your son play football

because you're afraid of losing him too?

- Right.

You have me completely figured out.

I'm compensating every day because I'm terrified

that my son has something in his lungs

that killed my mom when I was 10.

Do you feel better now, Mr. Perfect?

- I'm not Mr. Perfect.

- Right.

Mr. Pastor, Perfect.

- I'm not Mr. Perfect.

I'm not Pastor Perfect or otherwise.

I lost somebody I love, too.

I don't know why she decided to marry that other jerk

but there you go.

There.

You happy?

- No.

Are you happy?

- No.

(slow instrumental music)

I'm gonna go not throw football

with my middle-aged buddies.

- Okay.

- Thanks for the meal.

- You're welcome.

- See ya in church.

- Lord, you're doing an awesome, awesome job

of working those two over.

I can't wait to see what's gonna happen next.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Hello, boys.

Jamal, everyone's waiting for you in the choir room

right down that hall and Frankie,

kid's are right down there waitin' for ya.

Yeah, Sam, don't forget to check your appointments.

- Appointments?

- Yeah.

Have fun with that.

- Sweet digs.

- That's your office.

- Ha.

Sweet.

What exactly do I do?

- How do I know?

Just be pastoralish.

- Pastoral.

That needs an apostrophe.

Nice.

(singing out of rhythm)

How may I help?

How may I help you?

May I be of service?

- (singing) Are you ready my brother?

- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.

- (singing) Are you ready for the journey?

- [Choir] (sings) Oh yeah.

- (singing out of tune) Do you wanna see Jesus?

(stamping paper)

- I just don't feel in touch with my inner, you know, self.

What you're missing son, is the light-ah.

I cast thee out (snorts).

Get outta that girl, be gone!

I tell ya, be gone!

- The Pastor will see you now.

- You gotsta help me, Pastor Sam.

I gots the food demon.

All I wanna do is eat!

- The schools don't want our kids.

She says it's cause they didn't get enough oxygen

in the womb but I say it's 'cause of all that dope

she smoked while she was pregnant.

- How many wives did King David have?

'Cause I was thinkin' of gettin' me a couple of more.

- Now I'm not one to gossip or anything like that.

- If you knew what I knew.

- But of course, you couldn't.

- I had a medical condition.

- What medical condition?

- Por-no-gra-phy.

- Landry, dishes.

- I was pregnant.

Duh!

- And when you're sittin' in front of a handsome...

- Young (rolls tongue) Reverend...

- Such as...

- Yourself.

- So, what can I do for ya?

- [Both] God told me that you're supposed to marry me.

Now.

Are you gonna obey God or not?

(dark organ music)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- What are we doin' here, man?

This could be like our day off.

- I don't think we get to take days off

now that we're professional ministers.

It's just a picnic.

- Wait a minute.

I know why we're here.

She's here, ain't she?

- [Frankie] Who's here?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

Hello congregation!

Just thought I'd swing by and see how my flock is doing.

- [Johnny] Hey mom, the guys are here!

- Hey, um, I think today you could throw a few passes.

- Really?

- [Tiffany] Yeah.

- I thought you didn't want him to...

- Pass it to me!

Pass it to me!

Right here!

Right here!

- Yeah, you're probably right.

I'm a little overprotective.

- Nice catch!

- He probably needs a little time with the guys.

- I think that is surprisingly cool.

Go deep!

Go deep!

- Good to see you.

Oh, thank you.

(kids yelling)

- So the other day we kinda got off on the wrong foot.

I really didn't give you much of a chance.

Probably wasn't very godly or Christiany of me

for that matter but...

- Jamal, put down the hot dog, man.

I, I'm glad you're giving us another crack at it.

- Yeah, me too.

- Hey Johnny, go for the long one!

(Johnny coughing)

- Hey, Johnny!

You okay Pal?

- It's okay, Sam.

Sam, I gotcha.

Here baby, come here.

Ready, breathe in.

Breathe in.

Three, two, one, okay?

Good.

Breathe, good job, good.

- Good one, Johnny.

(church bell rings)

(all singing out of tune)

- Hey shut it down!

Shut it off!

(phone rings)

Hey, Cousin Mal!

Ya, you here?

I'm comin' out.

- What is he doing?

- I'll be right back.

I gotta little quick engagement.

I gotta handle a little business outside.

In the meantime, I'm gonna bring up my faithful

brother in the Lord.

Frankie, come on up here!

C'mon Frankie, come on up here.

Hurry up Frank!

Do something.

- But I don't know.

- Hey.

- Where are you going?

- [Jamal] Hey Cousin Ma!

What's up, cuz?

How you doin' man?

- [Cousin] Jamal, my man, came as soon as I got your call.

- [Jamal] Hey man look, I need you to help me

put some life in this old church!

- [Cousin] No problem Jamal,

my girls'll get 'em crackin' for real!

(singing out of tune)

- Brothers and sisters!

Woo!

It's praise time!

It's time

for us to have some

good God, church!

(upbeat Gospel music)

♫ Without faith

♫ It's impossible to please him

♫ Without faith

♫ So impossible to reach him

♫ Without faith

♫ You never know how much you need him

♫ Everyone who comes to God

♫ Must believe he is

♫ Without faith

♫ It's impossible to please him

♫ Without faith

♫ So impossible to reach him

♫ Without faith

♫ You never know how much you need him

♫ Everyone who comes to God

♫ Must believe he is and he rewards

♫ Still and receive him

♫ Faith

♫ It's the only way to please him

♫ Faith

♫ If you wanna please God

♫ Come to him in faith

♫ 'Cause he's real

♫ 'Cause he's real

♫ He really cares

♫ He really cares

♫ He really loves you

♫ He really cares

♫ 'Cause he's real

♫ My God, he's real

♫ He really cares

♫ He really loves you

♫ He really cares

♫ 'Cause he's real

♫ He really cares

♫ He really loves you

♫ He really cares

♫ 'Cause he's real

♫ He's really there

♫ He really loves you

♫ He really cares

♫ 'Cause he's real

- What did I tell you, Jamal?

Paycheck!

We're in a real bank about to cash in on some legit money!

- [Jamal] 'Cause you know a brother got to get paid!

- Yeah, that's how that works.

(coins spilling on floor)

- [Jamal] Oh that's Tiffany!

- Oh, hey Tiffany!

Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow.

What happened to you?

Hit a big casino?

- No, I work at the senior center

and Miss Thompson insists that I personally deposit

her bingo change every week.

- Well look at you.

You're a church-going supermom

who works with old people.

You're really giving Jesus a run for his money.

- Bingo.

Hi, I just need to deposit this.

- Cash that.

So this preaching gig's pretty light midweek.

How about I take you for a ride

in a classic convertible?

You can show the new guy around town.

- That actually would be really fun

but I have to pick up Johnny from school.

We have homework and it's corn dog night.

- Of course, corn dog night.

How can I compete with that?

Another time, maybe?

- Maybe, yeah, another time.

- Alright.

Bye.

- Bye.

(slow instrumental music)

- [Kids] Hi, Frankie!

- Hi!

- Frankie, Frankie, I made this for ya!

- Thank you.

- Pizza time!

I am so fired up.

One more week and we outta here.

We done done our time.

Fellas, we done paid for our crime.

- What are we gonna go back to though, fellas?

We got nothing to go back to.

I mean I'm serious.

I like it here.

This is the best I've ever dressed.

I like getting dressed up for church.

We're gettin' paid.

- Frankie, are you okay?

- You know, honestly,

I don't think it would be so bad to settle down here.

- And what you gonna be, the fake pastor?

- The money's not bad and the people are pretty good, too.

- Fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas,

I mean come on.

You guys aren't makin' any sense.

Before you wanna settle down here

with your little Miss Sunshine and all of that good stuff,

pastor a church, you might wanna consider believing in God!

- I'm working on it.

(phone rings)

- [Jamal] Oh he's working on it, okay.

We hope.

- Pastor Sam, how can I save you?

- How may I save you?

- Shh, he's on the phone, man.

- What?

Yeah, no, slow down, Tiffany.

(dramatic instrumental music)

No absolutely, right now.

Johnny's in the hospital.

He's not breathing.

(instrumental rock music)

- [Sam] Hey.

- Hi.

Thanks for coming.

- Of course.

I jumped in the car as soon as you called.

How is he?

- Not good.

But I'm hoping you can get in there.

- Yeah, we'll go in there and see if we can't

cheer the little guy up.

- Will you pray for him?

- Pray for him?

- Yeah.

Pray for my son's healing

so that he can get better.

Come on, the doctors are leaving.

- Tiffany, Tiffany, I can't.

- No, yeah, it's okay.

- No, no, I mean, I really, I can't.

I mean, making up a blessing before we have lunch

is one thing but I can't go pray to heal a sick kid.

- Why?

- 'Cause I don't believe it.

(slow instrumental music)

Tiffany I'm not a real preacher.

We ran into trouble and Rusty Pickens bailed us out

and offered us these jobs pretending to be ministers.

But we're faking it.

I can't pray for a miracle or a blessing.

I can't pray to heal a common cold.

- Just leave, Sam.

(door closes)

(slow instrumental music)

(instrumental rock music)

- Hey oh no, excuse me guys.

No, no, I gotta get through there.

I really need to see Rusty.

See?

He's waving me in.

- What can I do for you, Reverend?

- It's over.

I'm done.

I can't do it anymore!

- Whoa now, hold your horses.

Boys, get the Reverend a drink.

- I don't drink.

And stop callin' me that!

- Look, would you relax?

It's only gonna be a couple more days

and you go before Judge Cartwright

and he throws out the case and you're free to go.

- I'm not doing a couple more days.

- Is it the money?

You need a raise?

- No, it's not the money!

- Then what is it?

- What we're doing, Rusty!

It's not right!

- (laughs) Before you go Mr. Moral on me,

I've got something I wanna show you.

Might change your mind.

Now then, Sam, church, as we know it, is in the past.

I mean people want progress.

They want big and I intend to give it to 'em.

I'm gonna tear down that little chapel

and I'm gonna replace it with this.

(Sam whistles)

I call it my spiritual shopping complex.

A mega mall church, if you will.

We'll have a sushi bar.

We'll have a cineplex.

We'll have clothing boutiques for the ladies, of course,

and right smack dab in the middle is Rusty's Sports Bar.

- It's impressive but

don't people usually go to church to find God?

- Find God?

No!

They go to church to find themselves!

But I'll tell you the most impressive thing about this

is it is paid for by tax-free donations

and contributions from the fine citizens of Rocky Road.

- So you and Beverly have been stealing money

from the church so you can build this.

- I'm doing the town a favor!

I'm investing in the future.

God is a hot commodity, Sam,

and I want you to be my number one salesman.

Imagine this.

Every shop in the mall,

in every corner there's a flat screen television

with you preaching on it

telling people how to achieve love and success.

What'd you think?

- Ah, I think,

I think,

I think,

I think it's flippin' brilliant!

I mean it offers the superfluous lifestyle

that Americans know and love

while still painting it in the whitewash of religion!

- [Rusty] Yeah, and you can be famous!

- Rich and famous!

- Oh it's the chance of a lifetime!

I'm telling you.

- I've spent my entire life chasing

the chance of a lifetime but I'm always too late!

Right now, spot on time!

- Amen brother!

So you're with me?

- Ah Rusty, I wanna be with you.

I want to be with you!

But if I do this,

I'm gonna be late for something more important.

- What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

- Rusty, there's a sick kid and a scared mom who need me.

Only I got nothing to give 'em.

I can't give 'em faith 'cause I don't have any.

I can't pray for 'em 'cause I don't have it in me.

I can't sell religion, Rusty.

I thought I could.

But...

It got to me.

They got to me.

I quit.

- You can't quit!

You know too much!

If you walk out that door

I'm gonna make you regret ever comin' to this town!

(heavy rock music)

Officer Marrow, I've got a job for you.

(car engine not turning over)

(Sam exclaims)

(slow instrumental music)

- [Man 1] Come on.

- [Man 2] It's locked.

- [Man 1] I got a key.

- [Man 2] How'd you get a key?

- [Man 1] Rusty's got a key to everything.

Frankie, hey Frankie.

- Hello Frankie.

- Officer Marrow?

- [Officer] Come on, let's get out of here.

(dramatic rock music)

(phone rings)

- Hey, what's up Jamal?

- Oh hey man, we got trouble, Sam!

- Is it Johnny?

- Hey no, no, not Johnny.

Frankie!

- Frankie?

What's wrong with Frankie?

- I don't know man, I must have fell asleep, man,

'cause all I know I heard some commotion

in the living room

and somebody was yelling, something like that man

and I saw Frankie in the back seat of a car, man!

They were driving him down the street!

- Oh no.

- [Jamal] Oh man, what we gonna do, Sam?

We gotta come up with a plan!

- I don't know!

- What do you mean you don't know?

I'm a black man in the boondocks

and you know they coming after me next!

- Alright look, just calm down!

Get outta there!

Meet me at the church.

- Go to the church?

I ain't got no car.

- That's why God gave us faith!

(slams phone down)

- (sings) Jesus loves me this I know.

- Oh boy.

This isn't good.

Oh, perfect.

What else?

Ah!

- Gimme your wallet.

- Seriously?

- No I'm being facetious.

Wallet!

- The leather's fake!

(slow instrumental music)

(thunder clashing)

(rain falling)

(thunder clashing)

(slow instrumental music)

Jamal?

Jamal?

Alright.

(Sam exhales)

Hello?

Anybody up there?

Knock, knock.

Great, I'm playing knock, knock jokes.

Knock, knock?

Who's there?

God.

God who?

Well that's just it, isn't it?

- Oh, hey Reverend.

I didn't see you come in.

- Do I know you?

- Nah, you don't know me.

But I do know you.

Just call me Mr. Patterson, the maintenance man.

Now you wouldn't mind if I just continued

to work here quietly now, would you?

- Go ahead.

I don't know what I'm doing here anyway.

Don't believe in any of this religious mumbo jumbo.

- Mumbo jumbo?

Is that what you think all this is?

(laughs) Mumbo jumbo seems to me describes

more the way your life's been goin'.

Now we got a sick boy in the hospital

and you can't get your mumbo nor your jumbo

to work for you.

Ain't that right?

- Yeah, I guess.

- I was wondering if maybe you could

just do me a little favor.

You know maintenance man can always use

another pair of hands.

You think you could come and help me?

- Sure.

Why not?

(slow instrumental music)

- Now here's all you gotta do.

You just take this screwdriver right here

and just put it, and put it right...

- Right there?

- Right there.

(electricity jolting)

(heavy rock music)

- Hello?

Ah, Mr. Patterson?

Something's wrong with my eyes!

Hello?

Somebody, anybody, help me!

I can't see!

(heavy rock music)

- [God] Funny thing being around me.

Those who say they're blind can see.

And those who think they can see become blind.

(laughs) Guess we know what kind of person you are.

- Mr. Patterson?

- [God] Ah, but don't worry.

It eventually wears off.

- What does?

The blindness?

- [God] Look on the bright side, Sam.

I could have had you

drivin' your classic car when this happened.

- Who are you?

(knocking)

- Knock, knock.

Who's there?

God!

God who?

(people laughing)

- Okay you know what?

Not funny!

It's not a joke!

I'm really starting to freak out here!

- [God] Freaking out?

Isn't that being illogical and unscientific?

After all, if you can't see it, feel it, or smell it,

then it's all just ancient superstition, isn't that right?

- How did you know I said that?

- [God] I've always been a know-it-all.

(people laughing)

(thunder clashing)

- Am I dead?

Or am I going crazy?

- [God] Maybe you're dead.

Maybe you're crazy.

Maybe you're both (laughs).

Okay, Reverend Sam.

Let us reason together.

You want Johnny to live.

- Of course.

- [God] So do I.

- Well then why don't you do something?

- [God] Why don't you do something?

- I can't.

- [God] The miracle is in your hands.

- My hands?

I can't heal anybody.

- [God] How do you know you can't?

Maybe you're just trying to heal the wrong person.

Son, you're making the same mistake

that everybody makes.

You want to take my power to change the world

but you won't let my power change you.

- Well, what am I supposed to do?

- [God] Wrong question.

It's not what you're supposed to do.

It's who you're supposed to be.

- Alright, well, who am I supposed to be?

- [God] Sam, that's one question only you can answer.

Become who you're supposed to be

and what you're supposed to do

will take care of itself.

Well I better get you back.

You got a busy night ahead of you.

- Wait!

Am I ever gonna meet you again?

- [God] Will you ever meet me?

Sam, you have been meeting me.

So keep looking!

(instrumental rock music)

- Sam, Sam!

Wake up, wake up!

- [Sister] What in the name

of holy creation happened to him?

- Ah!

- Ah!

- Hold on!

Give me another chance!

- Sam, honey!

- Unhand me!

- It's just your friend Jamal!

- What happened?

- I was working with Mr. Patterson, the maintenance man,

and I had the screwdriver and I was working and zap!

Electricity shot out and jumped all over me!

- Oh honey, there is no electricity.

The electricity been out all evening

and there's no Mr. Patterson either.

- Oh no, no, he was here and we were working

and I was blind!

Couldn't see a thing!

And then there was thunder and there was lightning!

- Well did the lightning hit you upside the head

'cause you look crazy, man!

- We need some lights in here.

- Jamal, help me up.

I'm sorry, I thought you were Satan.

Hey Jamal, listen.

- Look man, you are out of your mind!

- Stop it!

Something's out there.

- What?

What's out there?

Oh the cops, they out there, oh!

Oh Rusty, Rusty, Rusty's out there!

- Well he's out there but that's not what I'm talking about.

- Oh those cops they got Frankie!

The cops that got Frankie?

- No, no, no, no!

It's not out there, out there.

Out there, up there!

- What?

- The whole God thing, man.

It's real!

All that God stuff that we've been trying

to fake our wake our way through?

It's real!

- I know that's real!

God is real, brother.

I believe in God!

You don't believe in God!

- I do now!

- What?

- Ha!

I found the real thing tonight, Jamal!

Or it found me or something, man,

but all I know is I finally feel like I know

what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be!

- Oh man would you please hook a brother up, man,

'cause you got me so daggone confused!

- Okay, follow this.

Rusty and Beverly have been using us as decoys.

They've been stealing money from this church

and they're gonna tear the thing down.

- What?

- So they can build like this

jumbo mega mall sports church thing!

- What?

- And you and me and Frankie, we're gonna stop 'em.

- And me and you and Frankie, me, you, and Frankie?

Where is Frankie, man?

We don't even know where Frankie is anymore!

- We're gonna find him too!

Because Rusty's got him.

I know it!

- Rusty?

- Rusty's after us, man.

We gotta figure out a way to get to Rusty.

What we need is a plan.

- We get a plan!

- We get a plan.

That's what we gotta do.

Let's think.

- Let's think, let's think.

- Hey, y'all talking about no good Rusty Pickens?

- Every man's got a weakness.

- Well I know what his weakness is.

As long as I've known him

his weakness has been pretty girls and skirts.

- Well that makes me

(drum hit)

- What's wrong?

- I'm listening.

- What's he doing?

- Finish!

Alright, I'll do it.

I'm not gonna like it.

But I'll do it.

- Whatcha gonna do?

- I believe God just gave us a plan.

(instrumental country music)

What a rustic establishment.

- We're closed.

- Ah, fiddlesticks.

- Hello, ladies.

What can we do for you?

Come on in.

- Don't mind if we do.

Excuse me young man.

Well I would love a tall glass of water.

- What about you, little lady?

- Oh let me get a little chocolate milk.

- Milk?

- Yeah, make it dirty, baby.

- Oh, tough girl, huh?

I like that.

I was about to close up here.

- Oh.

- How would you girls like to stick around

for a little private party?

(slaps Sam)

- Oh!

That was rude.

- Heard that.

Can't believe you got me into this.

- This was his idea, remember?

- You want us to stick around with you?

- Oh no, you boys lock up and go on home.

- Well would it have killed you to shave the beard?

- Yes!

- I can take care of these little ladies by myself.

- Okay.

- Come on, ladies.

Let's get this party started.

- Well who put a nickel in you?

Come on brown sugar!

- I like the sound of that.

Woo hoo!

- You don't mind if I set my purse down.

- He's out shaking it.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Rusty] Ooh ee, I can't wait to see what comes next.

- Oh it's a surprise.

- [Rusty] Oh I love surprises.

- Really?

Well what do you think about this surprise?

Boom.

- Bam!

How you like us now?

(all laughing)

- Oh gentlemen, I knew it was you all along.

- Oh yeah.

- That's a very funny joke and you can untie me now.

- Oh no, after what you did to Frankie?

You about to see what the five fingers said to the face!

- That's not necessary!

I didn't mean any harm.

I just asked Officer Marrow to detain him a little bit.

- Detain him?

- [Jamal] Detain him?

- So our little Frankie is rotting away

right now as we speak in some miserable jail cell?

- You got any twos?

- Any twos?

Nope, go fish!

- You better not be messin' with him!

- I just need to make one phone call to get him released!

- Hmm.

- My phone is in my pocket.

- Get that phone, Sam, get the phone.

- This better be real.

- Now punch one.

- I punched it.

- That's good.

(phone rings)

- Yeah.

- Please hold for Rusty Pickens.

- Hello Officer Marrow.

Listen, would you release that little pipsqueak.

- Free?

- I said release him, yes, and send him this way.

- Alright.

Whatever you say, boss.

- Well partner, looks like this is your lucky day.

- These are hard to open with these nails

and I'm not sure purple's the right color.

- No?

- Because now in hindsight, lime green purple,

I think it might have sent the wrong signal.

Hey Frankie!

- Hey Frankie!

- There he is!

- [Jamal] Frankie baby!

- Sam?

Jamal?

You would not believe where I've just been.

- Man, we know man.

We made the call to get you out.

- Why you guys wearing dresses?

Why is he tied to a chair?

Why do I all of a sudden feel incredibly uncomfortable?

- All very solid questions

that I can't answer right now.

Frankie, we're on a tight schedule.

We are men on a mission.

We spent our entire lives on the take.

Right now we gotta do something for somebody else.

- Sam, we've been over this 100 times, man!

How are we gonna do that when the church's money's

probably still locked up in the bank?

- I have no idea what you two birds are going on about

but we do know Hugo who works over at the bank.

- Good thinkin', Frankie.

- And the bank opens in a few hours.

Gentlemen,

- Right.

- It's illogical,

it's unscientific, but it might just be

the miracle we need.

- There he is!

He's right there.

- Mr. Hugo, we were wondering if we

could take a moment of your time.

- Take my time?

- You got to help, you got to help

'cause they'll tear down the cathedral, the church,

and they wanna put a mall there.

Stores...

- What are you talking about, you nitwit?

- Listen, what Frankie means is that Rusty and Beverly

have been stealing from the church for years

and we're pretty sure the money's right here in this bank.

- We gotta get the money outta here before they do!

Can you help us?

- Can I help?

What do you think I do?

Stand here all day and hope that my Depends hold out?

Follow me.

You say old Beverly's been stealing money

and stashing it away, hey?

- [All] Mmm hmm.

- [Hugo] There she is alright.

- I knew it.

- Except for one problem.

- [Jamal] What's that?

- There ain't no money in there.

- What?

There has to be.

- There was some money.

A lot of money.

But it seems like old Beverly

took out every penny yesterday.

- What?

You mean to tell me she done robbed a church,

now she gonna rob old Mr. Pickens too?

- That coot is gonna go ballistic when he hears this

and I can't wait to tell him!

- Sorry, Lord, I'm not really a bad man.

My mother never loved me.

My father wore a tutu and founded

The Pickens' Pirouette Institute Exotic Dance.

It's not my fault!

- Hey Rusty.

- What, what?

- We just got back from the bank

and Beverly swindled you and ran off

with all your money.

- Aww.

- Get my phone!

- What's the magic word?

- Please!

Punch one.

Put it in my ear.

- [Sam] Right.

- Officer Marrow, Beverly just ran off

with all the money.

Find her!

Now hang it up.

- What's the magic word?

- Please!

Now we gotta get you guys in court

and we gotta get Beverly behind bars

for a long, long, time.

- Court.

- Court.

Guys, we got a date with the judge.

- Wait a sec, what are we gonna do with him?

(instrumental rock music)

- Oh Lord, please.

Nobody told me the circus was in town.

Order!

Order in the court!

What is happening here?

Excuse me.

Does somebody have an explanation for this?

(all shouting)

Order!

I said order.

Now, how were you three involved in all of this?

- Yes, well, Your Honor, my compatriots and I

are victims of inexplicable circumstances.

With all good intentions, we were drawn

into a web of preposterous irregularities.

- Uh huh.

- [Officer] I got her everybody!

- Oh please.

- I got her and I got your money!

- What kind of a world?

There are days I think that I'm just losing control.

- She stole the money!

- Bad Beverly!

- She's the one that's got the money.

(all shouting)

- Settle, please, settle!

- [Hugo] I got something I wanna say.

- The Court recognizes Hugo.

How you doing, dad?

Go ahead.

- That's your dad?

- Hey, it's a small town.

Now these three, I would call them dumb

except that would be an insult

to the rest of all you dumb people here.

But they did ask me to help them.

Now we foiled the plot of evil Beverly.

Sam, Jamal, and Frankie,

thank you for believing in me.

I love you guys.

- Boys, you done good.

Case dismissed.

(gavel pounds)

- Oh Sam!

- As for Miss Beverly, would you lock her up, dad,

until the hearing tomorrow at 10 o'clock?

- Okay, son.

- And now we get to Mr. Rusty Pickens.

Mr. Pickens, you have stolen, lied,

deceived, have you got anything to say for yourself?

(Rusty murmurs)

Ah, beg your pardon?

- Oh.

- Your Honor, last night in my darkest hour

I was saved!

I came to my senses and realized my evil ways

and repented of while I was tied to this chair

as I am now,

I saw

the light!

- A bright, shiny light?

- Yeah, yeah, that's it.

A bright, shiny light.

- Let me guess.

It knocked you to the ground?

- Yeah, yeah.

It knocked me to the ground.

- Lord, Lord, come help us now

because it's starting all over again.

(upbeat rock music)

(knocks on door)

- I really don't think you should be here.

- I know.

I just need one minute.

Okay, how about 30 seconds?

- It's okay.

- Johnny looks good.

How's he doing?

- Much better, no thanks to you.

- Yeah, Tiffany, look, I owe you a big apology, okay?

A really big one.

I lied to you and I hurt you

but I didn't do it on purpose.

Well, okay, obviously I lied to you on purpose.

But the hurting you part, that I didn't see coming.

I've done a lot of dumb things in my day

and I never cared who I stepped on in the process.

But I also never met anybody like you.

- Am I supposed to be flattered by that?

I can see right through you, Sam,

and all this is just a big game to you.

Apparently, I'm the prize.

So, guess what?

You lose.

Why don't you just get your friends and leave.

- Yeah I would.

But I don't think I can.

- Why?

- I think I'm supposed to stay here

and believe it or not,

I even think I'm supposed to be the pastor of this church.

- Yeah, that would be an odd career choice

for somebody who doesn't even believe in God.

- Actually now I do.

- Oh just like that.

- Yeah, I know, kinda crazy right?

But the big guy's pretty convincing.

- Well, I'm happy for you, Sam.

But what makes you think that this church

is gonna want you?

You didn't just lie to me.

You lied to a whole town.

- I guess I got a lot of people to apologize to.

Do you have a phone book?

- Sam, my family needs me and I'm not gonna do this.

- Tiffany, I don't expect you to do this.

I don't expect you to let me back in.

I just hope you won't completely shut me out.

- I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.

- I'm gonna come with you, dad.

Your 30 seconds is over, Sam.

- See ya in church?

(slow instrumental music)

Here goes nothing.

(slow rock music)

Good morning.

As you probably heard,

or at least figured out,

we're not who we said we were.

We didn't really come here to work for your church.

We were working to stay out of jail

and make some easy cash.

Which quite frankly, we were more than happy to do

because we figured all of you

would end up being a bunch of judgmental,

hypocritical, self-centered religious kooks.

You know what?

You kind of are.

But we're not any better.

What we did was really low.

We should probably be packing up and driving out of here.

Frankie, Jamal,

you're the only family I've ever had.

(slow instrumental music)

Until now.

This town and this church,

is starting to feel like home.

We wanna stay.

Whether or not you'll let us,

well I guess that's just up to you.

- Well now you all know I've been coming to this church

since I was a baby.

And I can spot a phony.

And I've seen them come and I've seen them go.

But these three are the biggest phonies I've ever seen.

Oh, I knew they weren't preachers

but I also knew that God could take a old pair of shoes

and with a little polish and spit shine

have those things looking like they was new!

I know they helped steal our money.

They did that.

But they got it back.

I think we oughta keep these old shoes.

They just might turn out to be the best thing

to happen in this church.

(all applauding)

(fast gospel music)

- Church!

♫ Without faith

♫ It's impossible to please him

♫ Without faith

♫ So impossible to reach him

♫ Without faith

♫ You'll never know how much you need him

♫ Everyone who comes to God must believe his is

♫ Without faith

♫ It's impossible to please him

♫ Without faith

♫ So impossible to reach him

♫ Without faith

♫ You'll never know how much you need him

♫ Everyone who comes to God must believe he is

♫ And he rewards

♫ Faith

(all applauding)

- You know, I think you and I

can make some great music together.

- You can't sing!

(laughs) That's okay baby, I do like your style.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord.

- So what do you think?

Maybe one of these days you'll let me

take you for a ride in my classy convertible?

Show the new and improved me the hotspots around town?

- Maybe.

- Good enough.

- Hey what did you expect?

You knew it was gonna have a happy ending.

You moron.

(energetic gospel music)

(energetic rock music)

- There were a plethora of unfortunate circumstances

that betwicked us - that betwicked us?

We got twicked and we're tworry.

(instrumental rock music)

- Sam, don't we go in?

- I think so but Jamal stopped!

- I don't know what happened.

- To have three men of God here such as yourselves.

I'm Sister Elizabeth.

- [Sam] You are?

We're in the wrong room.

(all laughing)

I'm on the wrong set.

- I don't know who that is.

- Him preach?

Him?

This white guy?

Him preach?

(laughing)

If he makes it through the sermon it'd be a miracle.

- Amen.

If you can make it through that line, it'd be a miracle.

- Him preach?

(singing)

- Hello?

Sorry God, I'm in the middle of a thing

can I get back to you?

Eager to eat the birds of the air

and the beasts of the field.

Which leads me to ask what's wrong with horse meat?

They live in the field.

Because they're prettier than cattle?

I suppose that's why only aliens take our fat women.

For probing.

But what I can say with some sincerity

I apologize for them, Lord.

They know not what they do.

- Oh, you about to find out!

What?

What?

(instrumental rock music)

- [Sam] Yeah, we should wait.

Cut.

I don't hear it now.

Good, we're good?

- [Director] Quiet please.

- [Sam] Oh, sorry.

- Sam!

We've been through this 100 times!

Sam, we've been through this 100 times!

How we gonna do that, man?

We know that the money is probably still

locked up in the bank.

Sam!

We've been through this 100 times!

We know!

Sam, we've been through this 100 times!

We know that the church's money

is probably still locked up in the bank.

Sam, we've been through this 100 times!

We know that the church's money

is probably still locked up in the bank.

Sam!

We've been through this 100 times!

(laughs)

- Yes we have!

We have been through this 100 times.

Frankie, Jamal, let's get a small apartment in the city

and start our own family.

Are we good?

- [Director] Cut.

- I like you (coughs).

Sorry I had a cigarette on my way over here.

Nerves.

(Tiffany laughing)

(Jamal screaming)

- Excuse me.

- [Sam] Don't leave me!

(both laughing)

(instrumental rock music)

- [Sam] Cut.