Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪

♪

NARRATOR: Now, I'm not here to tell you about some magical story

with dungeons and dragons and shit.

♪

I'm here to tell you about the story of two brothers.

Two big-ass brothers, to say the least.

But I'll warn you, this ain't your average tale.

It revolves around a lot of weird-ass characters.

I don't want to give away all the specifics or anything,

but trust me... it's real all right.

Let's take it from the beginning, shall we?

♪

MAN: I received a new order, sir.

This time, from out of the country.

Where?!

America!

Ooh! Inform them of our near fashion breakthrough!

It is inevitable for rest of world,

want to look like us.

You are quite right about that.

First, the compass.

Then, gunpowder.

Chopsticks! Mathematics!

Now, this!

[Laughing]

It's complete!

It's complete!

What shall we name the new design?

Well...

in dedication to white culture in America,

we shall name it "White T."

[Laughing]

White T?

Yes. I believe that will translate just fine.

It's so beautiful.Shut up.

♪ Always keep a fresh white T on me ♪

♪ White T, white T

♪ You know that I'm fly

♪ You know that I'm fresh

♪ In my new white T

♪ I know I'm rockin' with the best ♪

♪ You know that I'm fly

♪ You know that I'm fresh

♪ In my new white T

♪ I know I'm steppin' on the rest ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm in a brand new white T ♪

♪ Every day I'm in a brand new white T ♪

♪ White T, white T

♪ Roll hard in my white T

♪ Yeah, keep a G on

♪ White T, white T

♪ Yeah, keep a G

♪ White T, white T, white T

White Ts, well, they're usually just undershirts...

before the most legendary rapper in the game,

Real Deal, ever wore one.

Since Real Deal lent his name to the fashion game,

the white T has never-- I mean, never, been the same.

[Speaking Chinese]

RADIO HOST: 93.7, your #1 station for hip-hop and R&B.

Fatman and Scoophead. Hey, people, don't forget,

Real Deal has put a golden tag

inside of one of the signature Big Deal T-shirts,

from his new clothing line.

Now, if you get the golden tag,

you get to perform with Real Deal at the Roxy.

You wanna be in the mix?

You gotta buy the Real Deal T-shirts,

find the golden tag, and you...

[Sleepy muttering]

Extra bitches....

Make some money on 'em...

[Rumbling]

What?

Shit, I know that's not what I think it is.

Oh!

Yo, Herb! Yo, Herb! Earthquake, man!

[Pop music playing]

Ya fat bitch.

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about.

Man, what the hell you in here doing,

sweating like a piece of meatloaf?

Man, shut up, fool. I'm getting ready for the day, baby.

What you think? Man, come on.

I think head's hurting. You got the whole damn house rumbling.

Got me thinking about an earthquake.

You in here making a Herb-quake.

Man, shut up, man. Look, I know you know what today is, man.

Hey, it might not hurt for you to get in a few reps, you know?

I already put up 15 of 'em.

15? Sound to me like you miscalculating this situation.

See, you breakin' into my beauty sleep.

Beauty sleep? Man, sleep that long, it's called diabetic coma.

Hey, but look. Check this out.

You know I stopped by Pressy Press Perm

on the way home last night, right?

Okay, okay.

Feel that right there?

I see you got it all dry-cleaned. Looking fresh.

Hey, that's the cholo press right there. And I used starch.

Oh, I like that.

Hey, stepping into the game, bro.

What you need to do is one-step it to the tub,

'cause you over here, smelling burnt biscuit.

Hey, man, you know I ain't had no breakfast yet, bro.

Hey, I'm just telling you, dog. I'm just keeping it real.

But, hey, I know one thing, though.

We better win this 1500 today,

or else we're gonna be out on the street, biscuit boy.

NARRATOR: K-Dawg.

K-Dizzle.

Those are the stage names

of the meanest wannabe rapper in all of LA.

And this is the very place in which he lives.

Dawson's Condo. This is Habu. How may I help you?

Any mail, Ragu?

I want to speak to K-Dawg, calling from China.

Very important.

There you are, Mr. Cocksworth.

Thank you, Ragu.

Ragu, it's "Bodsworth."

Mr. Bodsworth.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Cocksworth.

Have a blessed day, Ragu.

Fucking scrape the dry shit from your fucking ass

before I call you Bodsworth. Fuck, I'll put my car radio

up your stinky fucking wrinkled asshole, okay?

Oh, hi-- Hello. How can I help?

K-Dawg. K-- Kevin.

Oh, my god, give me a big, black cock,

and I'll be a happy puppy. You can piss in my--

Hello?

Oh!

Sorry. I'm gonna connect you right now.

Hey! Noodle-ass! It's "Hello"! Go back to China

and suck your wife's stinky fucking slime pussy, okay,

until you learn your fucking language.

This is fucking America!

My god, look what the fuck I'm dealing with.

Stay in your fucking country

until you learn to speak like me, okay?

Fuck you people, man.

Oh, boy, I have--

Now I wish I was a fucking terrorist.

[Phone ringing]

K-DAWG: Answer the damn phone, Tonesha.

Why you lookin' at me like that?

I got some homies from the East Coast

calling about some important thread.

K-Dawg Enterprises. This Tonesha.

[Speaking foreign language]

Yo, Kevin! It's some foreigner on the phone.

Puerto Rican or Jewish?

Jewish?

You wanna take the call or what?

K-Dawg.

Ah, Kevin

Your package will be delivered tomorrow Inglewood Mall.

Mall.

At 10:00 a.m.

Numbers.

UPC 00678942.

Size 7X. 7X.

As you requested.

That's right.

Very good.

Cool. Damn!

I mean, if I ain't famous enough already,

I'm about to be

the most famous thug, K-Dizzle!

HENRY: Hey, I don't know, Dawg. That's a lot of competition here.

You see that dude's face up there?

Man, forget him. Hey, you know what?

Damn, dog, I think I left my inhaler, man.

Got you right here. Don't even trip, bro.

Man, good luck.

You know what happened last time I forgot my inhaler.

I was looking like Superman after he fell off that horse.

Hey, all I know is we gotta fly high today,

so make sure you hit that shit, Clark Kent.

Fo' sho'. Fo' sho'.

Man, there's a bunch of people up there.

Yeah, it is, man.

Hold on! Isn't that Raekwon up there?

Hey! Hey, Raekwon!

Man, don't wave at him. Put your hands down, man!

What's up, baby?

What up, boy?

Come on up here, man. I got you.

Come on, skip that line. I got you, though.

What up, dog?

What he do? What he do, man? You know.

Good to see you, big homes. What's up, man?

Nah, bro.

Oh, that's how it is?Yeah.

I don't know what y'all are doing here,

but I figured I'd give this thing a go.

Got a little time, waiting for the old lady, you dig?

Been giving you grief, huh?

Well, you know, she is a handful.

But you should know that, right, Herbert?

[Laughing]

That shit ain't even funny, bro.

That's right... you dating Herbert's ex.

Man, what is her name?

BOTH: Sheheda.

That's a fine piece of woman you done turned down there, boy.

She do this thing with her tongue, man, just--

Ahh, like a salamander.

Crazy, man. For real?

Oh, man, girl got ass for days, brother. All day!

Dog, hold on, you act like I'm not right here, homie.

It doesn't matter. She had to come see a real man.

Real man? You got on a real little suit.

What is that, the first zoot suit, man?

What? Man, you don't see these shoes right here?

Shoes match with the suit, match with the vest.

I got real silver on there. Real nickel-plated silver.

That ain't nothing but some damn polished chrome.

I know you not talking.

You got a grown man airbrushed across your titties, man.

Whatever, Terrence J.

I don't even watch that show,

and if I do, it's for the Spanish girl.

Get out of here! I'm next in line!

Back up! Excuse me! I've been waiting here all day!

Yo, look at this dude.

♪ That's why this stuff never gets crackin' ♪

♪ Got two fat girls in the back of my Chevy, snackin' ♪

The hell are you talking 'bout?

♪ I love them girls that's full of cream ♪

♪ I can't do nothing, livin' American dream ♪

♪ Without cheese, in the water, fishing for the hook ♪

Stop!

Please!

That's good.

Hey, I gotta get me a curl like that.

That was horrible.

Wow, terrible.

That's the Hollywood talk? That's just good? Okay, cool.

Yeah. Yeah, keep on talking.

Don't follow your dreams.

As a matter of fact, just give up now.

Bring it.

You may be able to, one day,

enrol in a local ITT Tech school,

get yourself a fat, white wife, a two-bedroom apartment

where you can raise your six children together.

Is that-- I always wanted a fat, white bitch.

Next.

Is that some more?

You got something to say, little black boy?

Let it be known, I need a motor home, a private jet--

Come on... Security!

Let me talk to my friends.

You gonna go to work?

Gah!

Fine, I'll just handle this myself.

All right, listen here...

get off my stage!

Get off of what?

Just a minute, big, freakin' gorilla!

That fool slapped me.

Now I better win this contest, or everybody's gonna die! Argh!

[Yelling]

Put them down...

Tiny!

Don't call-- Don't call-- Wait!

You know why they call him Tiny?

Don't tell nobody that, baby! That's between me and you!

'Cause he has a one-inch little rapper in his pants.

What are you talking 'bout?

Don't-- That's our secret.

You remember these?

Ha! She got the tweezers.

Get your punk-ass out of here.

Oh, he got a wig! A wig!

Get off my stage.

This is not "Compton's Got Talent."

I'm looking for some real performances.

Please.

Who's next?

Oh, that'll be us right here. Come on, baby. Let's do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gimme that. Gimme that.

Yo, DJ...

Let me guess, you must be the two fat girls

in the back of the Chevy, snackin'?

What?

Ha!

♪ Woke up, quick, at around 1:00 ♪

♪ Got clean got fresh, then my day begun ♪

♪ Fresh white T, and it came with a deal tag ♪

♪ Put my money on the counter

♪ Threw the shirts up in a bag

♪ Yeah, threw the shirts up in a bag ♪

♪ Fresh white T, and it came with a deal tag ♪

♪ Yeah, threw the shirts up in a bag ♪

♪ Fresh white T, oh

♪ Thousand dollar G

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Gotta get it in, clean in my white T ♪

♪ Ill, clean in my white T

♪ Gotta get it in, clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my-- clean in my white T-- white T ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my-- clean in my white T-- white T ♪

♪ I'm RD

♪ You know the name

♪ Real Deal for you sucka, that's lame ♪

♪ I'm on the mike, and I'm about to change the game ♪

♪ I'm getting blow, riding high in my plane ♪

♪ I gotta show, though

♪ But I don't know, dough

♪ It's ain't poppin' if I don't get my dough, bro ♪

♪ Yeah, RD in this bitch

♪ Real Deal closin' and it's fresher than the mint ♪

♪ Yeah, and that's real money spent ♪

♪ Put a stamp on that shit, like the US Mint ♪

♪ $2 chains, I'm the freshest in the game ♪

♪ You know the deal

♪ All the girls know my name

♪ Hundred thousand dollar cars, never spend a dollar more ♪

♪ You see the smoke

♪ You know exactly who the hell we are ♪

♪ You see the smoke

♪ You know exactly who the hell we are ♪

♪ You see the smoke

♪ You know exactly who the hell we are ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Gotta get it in, clean in my white T ♪

♪ Ill, clean in my white T

♪ Gotta get it in

♪ White T, white T

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my-- clean in my white T-- white T ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my-- clean in my white T-- white T ♪

All right, yes!

[Clapping]

[Panting]Whew!

Uh, should I call an ambulance,

or just order a pizza?

[Laughing] Pepperoni.

Yeah, a pizza.

Uh, so, listen, do you guys have any original material?

Yeah.

I'd love to hear it, but I'm afraid it may kill you.

So, look, you're in, but for god's sakes,

get some new clothes for tonight, huh?

I can smell the meatloaf musk up those things from here?

Damn, man, that's what I was saying.

So we made it?

Well, as long as you don't die from diabetes

between now and then, yes, you made it.

[Cheering]

Who's next?

Thank you!

See you guys in Hollywood. Love y'all.

HERBERT: Told you we was gonna kill it.

HENRY: Hey, you already know how we do, baby. Herbert and Henry.

Fo' sho', fo' sho'.

You ready?

Let's go, man!

[Engine struggling]

Damn, you know my battery be dying. Hold on.

K-DAWG: I want to be in an out of this mall quick, sugar muffin.

And what the hell were you just saying?

MEGAN: So, anyway, this chick comes walking up on me, frontin',

and I'm like, "Yo, it as about to go down at The Maury Show."

So after I tap that ass,

Maury tells me I'm never allowed back on the show,

and so I say, "Fuck you, Maury. Fuck you and your show,

because your ratings are weak this year anyway."

He didn't like that much.

No. Damn.

Would you get a look at these two dudes?

Them boys must be representing the suffering

from gout campaign.

[Speaking foreign language]

What? I said "suffering from gout."

Baby, I don't know what that means.

Gout?

Let's go. Figure it out.

Hoo-ey! Damn!

Man, how she fit all that in them little panties?

She making me foam at the mouth, dog.

Man, I know that's right, man.

See, that's what I'm talking about, dog.

We get this concert gig tonight, dog,

we gonna get the goods just like that, bro.

What?

Man, I ain't trying to wear no panties.

I'm talking 'bout the girl, fool.

Oh! Right, right!

Hey, so we getting them Ts or what?

That's what we here for.

You know that.

Man, where you wanna go first?

BOTH: Ray-Ray's.

MAN: My friend, no! DVD, this is going to go away tomorrow.

Blu-Ray, who wants this?

It's the VHS, my friend. This is why--

♪

Inglewood Volcano in the facilities!

Look at this guy!

Come on, bud.

That's worth money. That's worth money.

HERBERT AND HENRY: Andy! Andy!

What are you doing back here?

Hey, yo, Andy!

Hey, Andy!

Hey, yo, Andy, where you at, man? Come on!

Hey, I'm about to steal something!

Better bring your "Ja-fake-can" ass out here!

[Coughing]

Sup, man?

Hey, man.

There you go right there.

It's my two favourite regulars right there. How you guys doing?

What up, killa?

What up, big boy?

Just kickin' it, you know.

Okay, okay.

Getting ready for my break.

You smokin' that skunk, huh?

Stoners are boners, bro.

Shit, girl. What's up, blood?

What's up, player? Damn, you want an autograph?

WOMAN:Hey!

The kid wants an autograph.

[Shouting]

Shit, don't you know who I am?

I do not care who you are.

We're sorry, ma'am.

We're trying to complement our good looks

with some of that Robert De Niro shit, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you know, but without the arrogance, of course.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

You want something that says, "I'm rich, but I'm cool enough

to still kick it with the common folk."

Exactly, bro. You know what I'm saying?

But more something like-- Let's say, like--

If I spend six bucks, I want people to think that I spend,

like, 80 dollars on that shit, you know what I'm saying?

Man, I don't think we actually

have your size in stock right now, man.

Come on!

Oh! Andy!

It's not on me!

There's a delivery guy that's gotta come by with a box.

Killing us right now.

Well, there's a box on the truck,

and it's gotta drive here, and then it's gotta park--

MAN: ...if you think I get what I'm saying. Come on, bro.

You know I have the best video equipment in all of Glendale.

Sign.

Please, sign, hurry.

Y'ello, bye.

You gonna let this dude talk to you like that, man?

He already did, man.

Come on, Andy.

So what's up, man? Is those the shirts or what?

What?

Man, the boxes behind you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Damn!

HERBERT: Know your memory ain't that bad.

HENRY: I know you been smoking on that skizz-unk.

Killing us right now, man. Jesus!

Come on, Andy.

Got two 7Xs right here for you guys.

Hey, we gonna be real fresh

at Yachts and Yatties tonight, baby.

You guys got a show tonight?

Yeah, man!

So we owe you, man. How much?

Uh, 12 bucks.

BOTH: $12?!

[Whispering]

I don't know what you got...

Man, I got like four dimes.

Okay, well, don't worry about it.

No more beef jerkies.

All right, all right.

Throw in a little something extra too.

Get you some more of that sticky-icky, please.

Yeah, I know how you like to do, Andy.

Get you some of that skunk.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

All right, man.

ANDY: All right, thanks, man.

Fo' sho', fo' sho'.

Man, I'm going hunting tonight, boy.

That shit making me hungry.

I just wanna put my belly on your back.

Hey, you ever smash my rhino?

♪ Oh, whee, big and hot. Oh, whee, big and hot ♪

Megan! What the hell?

I know I'm a big dude, but I'm just trying to ease on in there.

Bounce, player.

Come on, let's go.

Mm! That's just special. That's special.

'Sup, homie?

Oh, hey, what's up?

What up, playa? I don't know.

We looking for the newest Real Deal white T-shirt, man.

Oh, yeah, we didn't have those for a while,

and then they came in later today.

Yeah, yeah. Where they at?

We looking for the 7Xs in the box with that code.

Now, find it, squeak.

That's a lot of numbers.

We don't got all day, white boy. Come on.

Come on, baby.

Anything?

No, man, there's nothing. We're fresh out.

What? Who bought 'em?

Two black guys.

What'd they look like?

Two black guys.

Where did they go?

A show for boats... and yachting...

Oh, Yachts and Yatties?

Yachts and Yatties.

Damn, my contest is tonight.

Good job.

So dark up in here, dog. Why is the lights off?

[Snap]

Good afternoon, muchachos.

Senoritas. How you doing?

Buenos dias.

What you doing here, Anthony?

Yeah, and how the hell you turn the lights on

with that big ass tub of cheese puffs in your hand.

Hey! When I talk, you no talk.

Here are the rules. I... run this place here.

I'm what they call the "mahenyer."

The what?

"Ma-hen-yer."

The-- oh! The manager!

Si.

I didn't know what the hell he was saying.

I talking!

Let's get the rules together, okay?

When I talk, you no talk.

Okay. No talk!

Como--

Aye! But--

I talk. Si.

No talk. Okay.

But you stopped talking.

You! But--

Aye! But--

The, um... rent?

Cinco days late.

Oh, that! Yeah, man, we mailed that the other day!

Yeah, we sent it in, bro.

No. How you send it? By, uh... pollo?

No, we sent it by el burro.

Yeah, man, don't even trip.

That burro gonna get it to you next week. Don't even worry.

You gonna be good.

You know what my father told me long time ago?

HERBERT: That your shirt was too tight.

Do it again.

Don't worry. You're gonna get your rent in a couple of days.

Everything gonna be all right.

'Cause we got this big show tonight.

We about to make a gag of money, dude.

We can pay this month, and next month at the same time.

Get you your Fast Ex early.

You can go to the strip club, hit the market... buy beans.

You know what I'm saying? Get some hot sauce.

Some motor oil.

You can go to Tijuana.

You can see mama, papa.

Little hats, some boots, some belt buckles.

You gonna be straight, man.

Here's the problem with that, okay?

All the black guys are gonna be rappers, and go,

"I shoot the guy, bang-bang! I shoot the guy five times!"

Why you hatin' on us, dog? We about to be huge, homie!

You already fuckin' huge.

You the same size as me!

[Yelling]

Down to business, okay?

Tomorrow, I will come here, and collect rent.

Okay.

Tomorrow means mañana.

You have 11 hours.

Or 22...

Something like that. You know. I just need it tomorrow, okay?

And when I come here, I want my money.

No excuses.

HERBERT: I don't even think you Mexican anyway.

HENRY: You ain't jumped over no fences in your life.

Been across no freeways--

I get the money for the rent.

You just gonna walk out of here with our cheese puffs?

How you just gonna leave our apartment with our cheese puffs?

I told you, you gotta rub that stuff with some Bactine.

Look, I gotta go. Duty calls, honey-bunny.

What you got for me?

You're looking at the Real Deal T-shirt contest winners there.

Jesus H. Christ.

Store clerk was supposed to gather together the signatures,

but he was stoned.

Fucking hippies.

I got this.

Ain't your test next Tuesday?

Yeah. Time for me to leave the old commission behind.

Take my ranks with the LAPD.

Ain't it the fifth time you took this thing?

I like to think this one is the actual real test,

which I plan on wiping my ass with.

Finally start carrying a gun!

Rodomski, you gotta be as worthless

as an asshole on my forehead, I'll tell ya.

Yeah, uh, Mel, by the way...

Nice shirt.

You let me know when Hot Topic is having another sale.

You know what these four symbols stand for?

"Black man from the waist down."

I'm out of here, pucker-butt.

Have fun with the wife and retarded kid.

♪ Tight jeans, gotta come to the show, yeah ♪

♪ G-strings, make a nigga wanna go, yeah ♪

♪ You came on me, self-broke, no frills ♪

♪ What you hesitate for, let's go ♪

♪ Now let me hear you holler

♪ Be my daddy

♪ I wanna hear it, now

♪ Be my daddy

♪

♪ You let me hear you holler

♪ Be my daddy

♪ You know I really wanna

♪ Be my daddy

♪ Bring it back

♪ Bring it back

♪ To the left

♪ To the right, now slide

Fake-ass drinks.

KEVIN: I know them fatties are around here somewhere.

You see them dudes anywhere?

We're looking out the same windshield, no?

This is Yachts and Yatties, right?

MEGAN: That's what it says on the sign.

Man, good thing we got here early, homie.

This place is poppin'!

I wasn't expecting this.

Yeah, short playa.

Go on, get up in there!

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Hey, man, what's this right here?

Oh, you like that, huh?

Left that on before we left the house

That's that Real Deal right there.

Boy, Real Deal be going all out with the branding.

That's what I'm talking about.

Jesus! I can't ask you a simple question

without you just yap-yap-yapping away.

Man, you trippin', girl.

Well, maybe if you hadn't messed up at the mall,

we wouldn't be scouting at a club at 10:00 at night.

Oh! Sorry to inconvenience you with the time schedule.

You're at a bangin' ass club tonight, girl!

In a car.

Yeah? So?

I like the size difference. You know what I'm saying?

One big one, one little one. I'll take one medium one.

One medium more, you know?

I feel you, I feel you.

So you definitely a chicken tender man.

You know it!

I'm a chicken nugget man.

Right there.

[Laughing]

We should just go up there, get the Ts, before they show up.

Oh, so we're actually gonna go inside the club.

I thought you were just gonna bang 'em upside the head

before they walked in.

Nah, I got a better plan.

Bam!

You gonna give 'em coke?

No, my hood kitten.

Did you just call me "hood kitten"?

That right there's the anti-coke.

That shit'll knock 'em on their ass, faster than Muhammad Ali.

You just call me "hood kitten"?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's get out this car, and into that club,

before I break a nail on your fat head.

I got 12,000 rhymes in this fat head.

Damn!

Wait up!

Come on, hurry up.

I'm telling you, boy, there's nothing like that fresh meat.

Yeah, well, all I know is it's 10:10.

We gotta get our big asses in there, so hurry up, bro.

Man, where you going?

I'm about to go eat these chicken tenders in a dog house.

It's crackin' like the Source Awards in this bitch.

Hell, yeah! Make sure I got my bulletproof vest on.

Hey, mama, where you going? Over here.

Hey, let put my reel in, and just reel that ass in.

Let me get down on that sushi roll.

[Glass shattering]

Oh, look at you, fucking up!

You fired. Spicy tuna roll.

I love 'em!

Ah, damn. What the heck, bro?

[Sobbing]

My crotch!

Let me get two Long Islands.

I'll get those! And a codswallop for me.

I didn't mean to spill that drink on you.

You know what? It don't even look that bad.

For real?

For real, man. You looking like Fabio right now, bro.

No. You're not just saying that, are you?

No, man.

I'm telling you, you gonna be beating the ladies off

with that look, man. You good.

[Laughing]

It's not the ladies I would like to be beating off.

Get your hands off my brother.

I'm just being friendly. Just being friendly.

Hey, cheers.

You gorgeous fellows, here we go.

Salud!

Ha ha, well, well, well...

Look who decided to show up.

I was right, as always.

Damn, why don't you go take care of that.

I got this. I know the deal.

Salud. BOTH:Salud.

I said salud! BOTH:Salud.

I said salud! BOTH:Salud!

I said salud! BOTH:Salud!

Drink up!

You know what, man? You a cool dude, man.

Hey, big boys.

Ooh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Damn!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Hey, you that girl from the mall.

Exactly.

I saw you boys here, and I wanted to come and say hi,

because I was a little rude, earlier.

Ah, baby, don't even trip. Man, I can forgive and forget.

No one told me it was two for the price of one today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Hold on!

Who's selling two for one?

I ain't seen no buffet in this motherfucker.

I need some brisket.

I'm talking about you two.

BOTH: Oh!

She talking about us, son!

Two mysterious men in a place like this makes a girl wonder.

I don't know, but I do have to say, I really like your gear.

Thank you.

This is very sexy on you. Can I see the size you're wearing?

Real size. You know we be buying them $80 tees, though.

This that freshness, right here.

So fresh, couldn't take the tag out. Check it out!

You like that, huh?

I like a man with money.

Especially one that likes to spend it.

Tippers. Big tippers.

So how about you guys let me buy you a drink?

Hell, yeah.

Hey, get that chick--

Three Georgia peaches, please?

Where you from?

One second.

Put it on my tab.

Ooh, now that's a Georgia peach.

I wonder if it's pink all the way through.

Okay, let's make a toast.

A toast.

To successful careers. Okay.

Good looks, and long-lasting relationships.

BOTH: Already got that.

Salud.

That tastes like Sheheda.

All right, settle down. Settle down.

Welcome to the eighth annual

Yachts and Yatties Rap Battle!

[Cheering]

The winner of tonight's contest is gonna take home $1500.

[Cheering]

Yeah, yeah.

So you contestants head on back to the green room.

We'll go over the rules. The rest of you, drink up.

Got a lot of bills.

Well, I guess that's us, so... don't move,

'cause I'm gonna holler at you after I get back offstage.

I'll be right here.

If you move, I'm gonna tackle you.

I'll be right here.

All right.

Thanks for the drink.

Easy, Sandusky!

♪ Hear her say my name

♪ It's permission

♪ I told her switch the game

♪ The position

♪ I'm cutting down like trees up in the rainforest ♪

Excuse me, those big round guys.

Exquisite, aren't they?

Extraordinary.

Extraordinary. Big word for a pretty girl.

Oh, great. Here you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

Man, we've been right here all the time.

You are to be onstage in five. Makeup with powder you down.

Powder me down? Homie, I don't need no powder.

Yeah, we threw on some of the Gold Bond before we left.

Got some of that triple-action relief. We ready.

Fo' sho'. What you think this is? Our first concert?

You got my inhaler, right?

Bam!

Gotta keep that heart charged up.

Ugh, all right, listen, I'm calling after you

to keep this thing moving, moving, moving, okay?

Yeah.

Well?

I took care of it. It's done.

Good. You don't wanna go back to shopping at TJ Ross.

What a bunch of suckers these guys are.

Did you fellas bring anything to wear for the performance?

HERBERT: Man, what you mean, what we brung?

We got the Ts on right now, baby.

These the freshest thing out at Ray-Ray's right now.

[Speaking foreign language]

Are you kidding?

They look like Plain Jane $6 T-shirts.

$6 Ts? Homie, we spent $80 on these, brah.

♪ The love we shared

♪ Will never fade

♪ If you don't love with all your heart ♪

♪ It slips away

Where in the hell are these jackasses?

I ain't feeling too good, right about now.

Man, you gotta go take a shit too?

Damn...

We gotta go perform, man.

I know!

Better clinch, dog. Just clinch. Okay.

All looks good.

I believe I have earned a little me-time.

Oh, yeah, you dirty little thing.

Are you ready?!

[Cheering]

Okay, put your hands together for our first two contestants:

Herbert and Henry!

[Cheering]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Man, just kick that shit.

[Beat playing]

Hear me... yeah...

Hear me...

I get plenty...

Ribs and red beans.

Ribs and red beans.

[Laughing]

♪ Jingling, langa-ling, linga-lang ♪

[Audience laughing, gasping]

[Laughing]

Shit. They both had heart attacks.

Oddly enough, this is the same position Lady Kim used

to make it to the top.

Is this a Lady Kim convention?

Get 'em off.

Let's hear it up, for the comic stylings of Henry and Herbert.

[Cheering]

[Laughing]

I love America.

Let's get some fresh air.

Our next performer needs no introduction.

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

Hey!

What are you doing?

You don't think you could loan me a hooker's hand, do you?

[Cheering]

We're not interested in any prostitution services, you know?

I'm just trying to get them home.

[Electric buzzing]

Bam!

Perfect.

Straight, sugar dumplings?

I'm good.

All right, let's bounce. Pick 'em up.

Hey, excuse me, did I hear you say something

about some prostitution services?

Get out of here!

All right, baby, be cool, be cool, baby.

♪

[Flatulence]

RADIO: 93.7, Fatman and Scoop.

You gotta love that joint right there.

I hope you're having a real good morning, LA.

We been getting all kinds of news about the concert tonight.

Now, you know it's gonna be off the chain.

The real question is:

where is that white T with the golden tag?

Man, get your big ass up off me!

Whoever finds that golden tag

gets to perform with my man, Real Deal, tonight!

Golden tag!?

BOTH: Oh, shit!

You hear that?

Hell yeah, dog! We about to be famous!

Dog, man, what the hell happened to you clothes, brah?

You know what? That's a damn good question.

Dog, you need to get up and put some clothes on, man. ASAP, bro.

It's happy! Look at it!

I can make it smile. What you talking about?

No, you looking like a sack of potatoes, homie.

What you talking about me?

Get your big ass up and get dressed too! Shit.

Hey, boys! It's the "mahenyer."

I'm coming to collect the rent.

Man, I can't find that shirt nowhere, brah.

Well, I don't know what the hell could've happened to it.

We was at the club...

We met that dude on his period...

No back-up. Just how I like it.

Now I can't remember much past that. What about you?

I remember Megan.

What?

Dog, remember Megan? She was looking good too, boy.

Oh, that little light-skinned chick with all that ass.

Yeah!

[Laughing]

Hey, wait a minute!

You cannot change the locks on the "mahenyer!"

BOTH: Shit!

LANDLORD: Guys, guys, I know you're in there. I can smell you eating.

What the hell we gonna do?

Man, I don't know, man. Just... if you be quiet,

maybe he'll think we're gone or something.

I'm about to go hide in my room.

Okay, guys. Stopping playing. Stopping playing.

Step on down from that ledge, suspect.

Hey, my friend...

My friend, I think you have the wrong guy.

Hey, man, who's that white dude?

I don't know. You don't think it's our neighbour, do you?

Hell, no, man. That fool white.

The black guys.

Yes, the black guys.

What the hell are you? Nigerian-Mexican?

I am from San Diego.

Part of them Tijuana gangs. I heard about you!

No, no, no, no.

Identify yourself, suspect.

I think he INS, man. Look at his badge.

I am the "mahenyer."

The "manaher"?

I am the "mahenyer."

On your knees!

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

Hands behind your head!

I hope you're ready for some ass-pounding action!

What the hell's going on?

I don't know. Hey, you wanna go check it out?

Yeah, Rodomski gets another one.

You got the wrong guys!

My eyes are stingy.

It's sticky... What is this?

Don't tamper with that stuff. It's state's evidence.

I feel so sticky back here.

Hey, you black guys! You owe me rent!

Man, we must've did some real crazy shit last night, dude.

Man, did you fart?

You must've did some real crazy shit in your pants! Damn!

Hell no! Man, what the hell?

Dog, what the hell is that?

Man, what the hell is that?

I think it's a wolf!

Man, how the hell a wolf get in our house?

I don't know, man, but this is some crazy shit, dude!

He got horns, man, and everything.

Ain't they supposed to be dangerous, though?

I don't know!

You gotta come over here and pet this thing, man.

Man, I ain't trying to pet that thing! It probably got scabies!

Man, this thing ain't got no rabies, man.

It ain't foaming at the mouth or nothing. What you talking about?

Regardless of what it got, man, we gotta steppin'.

All right, you bet. Come on, let's roll, then, man.

Bye, buddy.

Hold up, though, man.

What we gonna do about this fur ball right here?

Man, I don't know. I think he good.

Just leave him some of them cheese puffs or something, man.

Let's go!

All right, but his wolf-ass better not piss on my floor.

Where's the car, dog?

I don't know, man.

You don't think we walked home last night, did we?

BOTH: Shit!

Yeah, right.

My calves hurt walking down those steps right now, man.

"Walk home." Man, you crazy.

Dog, now we gotta go get on this bus, bro.

You know they don't want no fat people

sitting next to 'em on the bus.

I don't care. I'm sitting next to 'em.

I can't remember shit. I just woke up with a sore ass.

You always on the gay shit.

Man...

Always on the fruity shit.

I'm saying dog, whatever I was doing,

I must've been sitting down for a long time.

Yeah, okay.

Kind of suspect to me, if you ask me personally.

Whatever.

Hey, yo, bus driver, man, how long we got?

♪

What's wrong with your brakes?

Hope Damien got that T-shirt, man.

Damien.

Hey, yo, Damien!

Damien, what up, playa?

You're alive.

Hell, yeah, we're alive. What happened last night anyway?

Yeah, man, did we win, or what? What's up with them pesos?

Did you win? Oh, god, no.

Did we lose it to, like, some groupies or something?

You don't remember a thing, do you?

That's why we asking you, playboy!

You two truly are losers.

You know what? Get out.

I can't stand to be this close to failure.

You had the world in your-- Stop eating my balls.

You had the world in your hand,

and you botched it because you can't handle your apple-tinis.

A simple "no" would've worked fine. Fucking dick.

I'm taking your balls with me.

Cleaning da windows.

To the windows, to the wall!

Hey, aren't you the two rappers from last night?

Hell, yeah! Gangsta shit, home-boy!

Oh, man! You two were funny!

Oh, can I have an autograph for my kids?

They love your shit!

Thank you.And how your little fence border jumpers

hear about us on our first night, brah?

YouTube! That shit was funny, home!

You can see the stage starting to break, when you two pass out.

Man... okay.

Man, here.

Eh, all I know is you'd better tell your kids

they'd better watch out for us, because we about to blow up,

after we perform with Real Deal tonight.

You know what I'm saying?

You two are going to perform with Real Deal tonight?

Yeah.

[Laughing]

What's so funny? Yeah.

Is there a hot dog eating contest

before the show or something?

Nah, it's a rice and bean eating contest.

[Laughing] Okay, okay.

Come on, man.Come on, dude.

Old fake-ass, Puerto Rican Jerry Lewis.

Performing with Real Deal?

I can't believe it! That's a trip!

[Laughing, muttering in Spanish]

That's my stage.

[Mumbling on video]

Sweet Christ, they're stars.

♪ Jingling, langa-ling, linga-lang ♪

HERBERT: Come on, man.

Shit!

♪

♪ Jingling, langa-ling, linga-lang ♪

♪ Jinga--

[Music slowing down]

Nah...

What the hell we gonna do, dog?

We got to find this shirt, man.

I don't know, man.

But I can't think on an empty stomach like this, man.

I feel you, dog.

I'm over here rumbling too, man. Shit.

Oh, snap.

Hey, man, go hit that pizza place right there.

♪

[Phone ringing]

Hey, it's Ricardo. Can you do me a favour?

I'm going to send you a link

and need you to ID the two guys onstage. Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

[Inhaling deeply, chuckling]

Ah...

[Sighing]

[Sniffing]

Ai, yah, yah, yah.

Hurry up, man. Shit.

♪

[Humming]

[Laughing]

Ladies.

HERBERT: Hey, ladies. Hey.

Oh, shit.

It's that cop, dude.

The what?

Man, the dude who busted Anthony, man.

How'd he track us down?

Man, we must have done some real gangster shit last night.

Got the law on us.

Man, we got to lose this dude, man.

What you thinking, Kojak?

Just follow my lead, fat man. Come on.

Let's go hide, jumbo.

Oh, shit!

Man, he's still on us, man.

All right, look, dog.

When I say run, man, we gonna break that way, man.

Run? What the hell you talking 'bout, run?

Run!

♪ Yeah, we gotta get it, bound to make it happen ♪

We got a pursuit! Officer in pursuit!

[Yelling]

♪ We get to the show, two big ass bros, kickin' in the door ♪

♪ So, you already know, you'd better hit the floor ♪

♪ Me and my bro 'bout to blow ♪

♪ You already know what the hell 'bout to happen ♪

♪ Once we get this gold tag shit, get to crackin' ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

HENRY: In here!

♪ Hey, hey, hey

Help!

Rodomski, California Gaming!

I was expecting you.

Please, come. Sit down.

Phew!

Oh, I can't-- I guess I could--

I guess I could use a seat right about now, damn!

I second that.

My arrhythmia about to take me to Jesus, right now.

[Inhaling deeply]

Where'd they go?! [Panting, coughing]

Two 600 pound, African-American gentleman

just happen to disappear?

Come on! I need some answers, boys.

Huh?! Ya'll better speak up,

before I bust you for truancy.

Fuck you!

Shit! Yeah, you like that?!

[Yelling]

What is that, pastrami?

That's fucking good.

Get on the ground, you fucking pieces of shit!

[Screaming]

All we want to know is, what happened to our t-shirt,

so we can get this tag out of it,

so we can get to this concert tonight.

Get to the concert.

Damn, you are good.

Huh?! How do you like that, Bieber?!

You're all dead, you stupid fuckers.

Yeah, you little fuckers better start crying.

This is what happens when you don't tell the law,

what he needs to know.

Stay in school and stay off drugs.

Stop fighting. You boys have a wonderful day.

Hey, man, give me back my board.

Let's take a look.

HERBERT: Boy, I hope she ain't reading my mind right now.

Ooh, tight...

I see a club.

You two are performing.

[Gasping] But you do not make it,

because you pass out on the stage.

How the hell you know that?!

YouTube, because my son, he send it to me this morning.

[Laughing]Oh, shit.

I knew we was about to pop, homie, I'm telling you.

[Laughing]

Please, stay seated.

I see a club.

You are getting ready to perform.

[Gasping]

This cannot be.

There is a man fatter than you.

This is impossible. [Groaning]

[Gasping]

Okay, I see a man

and he's with a beautiful woman.

And...

[Gasping]

She's putting something in your drink

They want something from you.

HENRY: Gonna take the tag out. Check it out.

I see a sign.

What does it say?

Yeah! What happened to the t-shirt?

It says, "pay me money to know the rest."

I think maybe twenty dollars

and maybe I see past the sign,

I tell you what you need to know.

Dog, you heard her. Man, pay the woman.

Pay the woman? You know I ain't got no bread right now.

I'm trying to get the rims for that roller.

Man, I swear, dog,

you always cutting into my snack money, man,

every time, dog.

Damn, what are you, five? You can't get a wallet?

Shut up. Look, this is all I got, okay?

This will do just fine.

Oh, so that's where it go.

You must got a lot of money up in there.

You must go forth

and be one with your spirit guide.

What do you mean, "one with our spirit guide?"

Uh, I mean, you must figure this out for yourself.

Here.

Right. Hold on, hold on. We don't do no coke.

Take this.

When you find your spirit guide,

he will tell you what to do.

Oh, hell no. I gave you $17!

I mean, you got to tell us where these t-shirts is at.

Our rap career is on the line here, Miss Cleo!

[Animal grunting]

And remember,

to find your spirit guide,

you must look deep inside your soul.

Okay.

♪

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Chief Hutt, California Gaming Commission.

Is Mel there?

Hold on.[Animal lowing]

Way to go, dipshit.

It's your fucking boss.

I thought you weren't going to be doing any fucking work

on this dumbass vacation.

This is Mel.

Hey, Mel. Actually it's Rodomski.

I had to pretend to be the chief, to make sure your ass

answered the phone.

Had a problem, uh, ascertaining those signatures.

But, I promise you, the chief will get them soon.

What do you mean, those papers ain't got delivered?

EDDIE: Oh, Mel, now calm down.

I do have a lead.

A woman by the name of Tonesha.

Meeting up with her at Dawson Condos.

Seeing her in a few hours.

Oh and by the way, Mel, I know you had said

"enough with the pepper spray,"

but I did have a run in with some children gang members,

a little bit earlier.

I left them your name on the incident report.

You know, I got that big test with the LAPD coming up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway, Mel.

I-- Gotta go. All right, buddy.

Childrens...

That son of a bitch, Rodomski!

Mel, get that fucking banana out of your drawers.

Busted!

There are children around. You are not fucking right.

[Laughing]

Hey, don't touch the tickets on the table before the penis.

You're about to watch my big show tonight.

♪ And I ain't gonna stop 'till I get it ♪

♪ Excuse me gorgeous, we flawless ♪

Are you blind?

Oh, mirror, mirror, on the wall,

who's the freshest rapper of them all?

You are really getting a big head, ain't you?

Hurry up! We're going to be late for my pedicure.

Yeah...

Ain't no party, like a iceman party.

♪ What you need?

♪ Have a drink on my hood ♪

Damn, this damn door.

Get your shirt off me, man.

Well, help me get out the car then.

Mm-mmm-mmm... [Mumbling]

♪ I'ma put you first, it ain't a thing ♪

♪ Like them first two lines of sixteen bars ♪

Hey, yo, Herb. Where you at, dude?

Man, we can't be wasting all this time,

while you're taking a shit. The show starts in a few hours!

Man, I can't find that damn wolf nowhere, man!

What?

Hey, look, man,

just be glad for small favours, dogs.

Small favours? Dog, I mean,

you don't see what I see, do you?

I see your big ass wasting time.

Come on, man! Let's roll, dude!

Nah, man. That's not it, man.

A deaf animal, man, that's our spirit guide, dude.

Man, how the hell is an animal going to be our spirit guide?

You trippin', dog. You delusional, man!

Man, just help me find the damn thing! Man!

Hey, yo, Herb!What?

He in here, man. Say, what?

I think he mad as hell, though, boy.

Man, what you mean "mad," dog?

He probably just ain't used to you, man.

Hey, I'm his master. Let your boy holler at him.

He gonna be all right. Let me show you how I do.

Get out the way. I show you how I get down.

Check this out. Let me see...

[Laughing] Damn!

[Laughing] I told you he was pissed!

You know what? One second.

I got something for your ass right now.

We gonna go like this. This goes here.

Man, what you gonna do with that? Dog, look.

The damn psychic said

we've need to split it with our spirit guide, right?

So, that's what I'm doing.

I don't know, man.

You gonna take something the gypsy gave you?

Shit, not me. You.

Shit... Yeah, okay.

Look. It's all mixed up.

Just slide this in there and close the door.

Everything's gonna work out fine, bro. I'm telling you.

I don't know, man.

You trying to get me to taste some gypsy juice

and go on a damn spirit walk with a wolf.

Look, you trying to perform with Real Deal tonight, or what?

All right, man, look. On three.

You ready? Yeah.

One... "Duosci"...

Two... Stop being a bitch.

[Groaning]

Now what we supposed to do?

How the hell should I know? What do I look like,

some damn wolf whisperer or something?

It was your idea!Well, that's all I got!

[Tongue lapping]Hey, you hear that though?

Hey... Hey I think he drinking it right now.

Hey, I'ma talk to him.

Holla at him.

[Bleating]

Hey, sir. How you doing?

What are you talking about?

How's it going for you?

Look, here. Hey, drink this.

[Bleating]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. That Gypsy said

it was both of our spirit guide.

Look, man, you already know, man.

My "choleskerol" level is too damn high, dog.

What my doctor always saying?

If you don't know how much "choleskerol" is in it,

don't drink it. Exactly.

So, chug.

Drink it.

You know what? It's not bad.

It's the bomb, right?

Hell, yeah.Drink all that shit down.

Chug, chug, chug. That's a baby boo-boo.

I'ma go in there.

All right, for sure. I'll be right here.

Hey, buddy.

Man, get your big ass in there, man!

VOICE: Hey, wake up, bro.

Oh, shit.Wake up.

What happened?

You just passed out, man.

No big deal. The name is Jerry,

but you can call me Jerry.

For sure, man. Henry.

Hey, man,

why your wolf-looking ass be talking anyway?

Okay, nigga, let's get one thing straight

real quick up in this motherfucker.

I'm a goat and you're a moron for thinking anything else.

Ain't you ever been to the zoo before?

You know, this is some bullshit, dude.

I knew your ass was a goat.

My brother, Herbert, thought you were a wolf,

but he trippin' man.

Hey, bro, you smoke?

Nah, man, cigarettes kill you.

I wasn't talking about cigarettes,

you know what I'm saying?

I was talking 'bout dope, grass,

ganja, giggle-weed,

hot Mary,

hippie lettuce, coco puff,

Colorado cocktail,

kryptonite,doob,

earth, indo, roll you up a fatty,

food, gimmie, goody goody goo.

bud, red rover, hocus-pocus,

the chronic...

♪ Light it up

♪ Keeping it party, let's party ♪

♪ So, baby, light it up, light it up ♪

♪ Smokin' the fire, smokin' the high ♪

♪ Light it up, white widow was a whole 'nother phase ♪

♪ AK-47, Cali going super haze ♪

♪ I'm hot boxing and just smoking in the Regal ♪

♪ Lower than nostalgia, or New York diesel ♪

♪ I get so high, man you'd think weed was legal ♪

♪ From my lungs to my throat and then I choke ♪

♪ I pass it to Uncle Snoop, watching Up in Smoke ♪

♪ Roll blunt after blunt, even while I drive ♪

♪ Light it up

♪ Keeping it party, let's party ♪

♪ So, baby, light it up

♪ Smokin' the fire, smokin' the high ♪

♪ Light it up

♪ Keeping it party, let's party ♪

♪ So, baby, light it up

Hoo-hoo, God damn!

Man, this some bomb-ass shit, right here.

Hell, yeah. Only the best for us connoisseurs.

God damn!

So, uh, you want to find out what happened to your t-shirt?

Hell, yeah.

And right quick too. We gotta be at the show before eight.

Time is irrelevant up in here.

How much is that in dollars?

Irrelevant means, it doesn't matter.

[Laughing] It don't.

You got me tripping.

Phew... you know what?

You're a cool motherfucker.

You're looking for something.

Just because it takes the form

of a white t-shirt, or a gold tag,

that doesn't tell me what you really want.

Go deeper.

It's just...

Man, pass the mic.

Well, if you really want to know,

I guess we're looking to perform with Real Deal tonight.

You still must go deeper than that, Henry.

It's just... I want to be the man for once.

I want to be the one who's everybody's eyes on

and they try to emulate my formulations

to they own shit. You know what I'm saying?

Ah, so you just want what everyone wants.

Acceptance.

Now, what do you need from me?

I gotta find that damn t-shirt.

Breathe deep and the answer shall come to you.

Yo, Kevin. They are breathing hard.

I'm getting worried.

Man, stop worrying about them two.

We got the shirt and the ticket.

Now, let's dump these douches off

and get back to Dawson Condos.

[Voice echoing]

Did you find the answer?

For sure!

Dawson Condos.

Good lookin', my hoof brother.

Hey man, when can we kick it like this again?

We can't hang, you big motherfucker. I'm a goat.

HERBERT: Harry?

Harry? Harry?!

Man, get up, fool! What is wrong, man? Get up!

Dog, you've been kissing rocks and a wolf

for about an hour, dude!

First of all, it ain't no wolf. It's a goat

and his name is Jerry.

A goat? He ain't look like no goat.

Well, he is and he smoked me out with that bomb-ass kush, kid!

So, it worked then?

Hell, yeah, it worked.

And I'm telling you, man, dog,

we was in space and Egypt,

all kind of crazy shit.

So, what he say?

Dawson Condos, some dude named Kevin. That's all I got.

Don't be threatening me.

I'm not going to sit here and take that kind of tone.

You got three minutes. Hurry up, Megan.

This limo ain't waiting.

It's my time to shine, sugar dumplings

Two minutes and 45 seconds.

Eh, Haru, is that my limo?

HABU: Yes, sir.

All right, you see this whip?

Yes, sir. Wax it.

Yes, sir.

All right, Haru.

Suck my cock!

This fucking Megan bitch better get down here soon,

before I punch her in the face with mace.

That didn't make any sense, K-dog.

Bust your rhymes.

Steal, yes they do. But they steal good stuff.

They never steal second-hand stuff.

I don't know what, Senor. Maybe a fucking bomb.

Don't call me again. Don't call me.

Don't fuck him. He has a rotten cock and AIDS.

He needs a GPS to find his pencil dick.

Can I help you?

Yeah, man. Where Kevin live at?

Yeah, we're supposed to get in the place for him.

Oh, are you the maids?

Yeah, that's us.

You are Lupita?

Yeah, yeah. See, I'm Lou and that's Pita.

Man, we're the best in the biz, man!

Si, si, si.

Are you-- are you lesbians?

Man, you dirty, little sand monkey.

What you talking to?Who gets on top?

You know what, Prince of Persia?

I'ma fuck you up.

Okay, 3502.

Make sure and clean the place. It smells like shit.

I think the guy fucks his girlfriend in the ass

and wipes his cock on the sheets.

♪

Man, go.

Oh, here we go, right here.

[Knocking]

Damn! Man, what we gonna do?

Concert starts in thirty minutes.

I don't know, man.

Look, look. Back up, back up, back up.

What you gonna do, tubby?

Man, just move, man.

[Rumbling]

[Laughing]

Damn!

Watch this.

[Laughing]

If you knew it was open,

what you gonna let me do that then?

Man, shut up, man.Hurry up, man, go!

Get up, man!

Damn!

We're supposed to be looking for them shirts.

Come on!Dog...

What are you doing?

I'm getting my G.I. Joe on. What you think I'm doing?

You're getting your "G.I. Slow" on, man.

Kevin?!

Oh, Kevin?

Damn! Hey, dog, you see anything, yet?

Just a mannequin.

A sexy looking mannequin.

♪ I was gettin' some head, I was gettin' some head ♪

They gotta be in here somewhere.

Kevin!

Hey, yo, Herb!Huh?

What's up?Look what I found.

Man, come on, man.

We ain't go time to be playing around, dog.

You're staring at some damn cheese puffs.

Man, what you talking 'bout?

Man, we gotta find this shirt, man.

Come on, man. Damn...

[Sighing]

I can't believe this, man.

Your damn spirit guide was on some bullshit.

We ain't never going to be famous, dog.

Nah, I'm tellin' you, man.

That goat has mad knowledge.

It's got to be somewhere here.

Man, I mean, don't be a fool, man.

It was just a goat

and all you did was just get high with it.

It ain't no way for us to get to the concert.

I mean, just face it, dog.

We're gonna be losers forever, man.

Don't say that, man.

Look, I know we've been trying real hard to make this happen,

but we just gotta stick together and make this show pop, man.

I'm telling you, Herb.

But if it don't work, at the end of the day

I'm still happy to call you my brother, dog.

That's what's up, man.

You know? Love you, bro.

Love you too, man.

Oh, shit!

Look, the tickets!

We still got a chance.

Aw, yeah! Here, take that.

Hey, look at this and his keys.

I'm taking this.

Damn...I'ma take this one.

You take that one. I got this one.

Oh, this must be that Chris Capre shit.

This shit blingin'!

Oh, let me see that. Oh, hell, yeah.

Let's roll.

[Chattering]

Oh, you already know that.

Man, we gotta find something

better to wear than this though, dog.

I see something in his room on the bed.

Go get it then. Hurry up.

We ain't got all day.

Oh...

Oh, yeah.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Hey, man, what you doing?

[Yelling]

Oh, shit!

[Yelling]

♪

♪ Yo

♪ Bad girls wanna hang where the stars be ♪

♪ Because everyday's a money day and every night's a party ♪

♪ Smoking on the best shit, 'cause I'm connected ♪

♪ I never wait in line ♪

♪ My name in bold on the guest list ♪

♪ Yeah, takin' shots, getting wasted ♪

♪ Gettin' fresh and stayin' paid ♪

♪ Baby, those the basics

Hola, policia?

I was just raped by two black men.

♪ I'm trying to find out which one of y'all like me ♪

♪ And unlike them other guys, I keep 'em quiet, G ♪

♪ My life is like a movie, more than Spike Lee ♪

♪ Thousands in my pockets ♪

♪ Swaggin' hard in this white tee ♪

What's going on, bro?

Get yourself some Rogaine, buddy.

How you doin' player? Lookin' like the shit.

Hey, Bootleg, what's up?

Are you freakin' kidding me?

I wanna get a lick on those, damn!

Are you kiddin' me? Hey, honey. How you doin' baby?

What's up, man? Fuck off. Hey, how 'bout VIP lounge?

VIP right here. Right here, right here. All right.

♪ Real Deal, roll it down and heat it up ♪

♪ 'Bout to hit the club, spend about a thousand bills ♪

Let me get on that. Let me get on that.

♪ Real Deal, what? I'm so ill, boy ♪

♪ You know I got money, 'bout to spend a mill ♪

♪ I'm so fresh, boy, I'm so clean ♪

♪ Every time I rhyme, people know what I mean ♪

[Laughing]

Hey, dog, man, why don't you do me a favour, man

and pull over right quick, man?

Man, you must be out your mind, man.

You know what time it is, man?

We in a hurry, bro.

Dog, all I'm asking you to do is pull over, man.

Just give me five minutes, bro. That's all I'm asking, man.

Just pull over. Five minutes?

Five minutes. All right, dog.

[Yelling]It's okay, relax.

Just relax.[Crying]

[Speaking Spanish]

It's okay. Relax.

Just relax. Here, here.

Hey, Megan, back up a little bit.

You're cramping my style.

You know a big celebrity's

got to be single in the public's eyes, right?

Single?

What the fuck are you talking about, single?

That's that shit right there.

What the hell, Megan?

You want me to act the fool up in here?

Because I can.Damn!

That's you making me, gonna mess with the P.

Now, you'd better act right,

before you end up in a fistfight.

Come on, my buddy! Come on, Jerry!

Get up out of there, man. Come on!

Man, watch out, man. I got him, man.

You got him? Yeah, I got him.

Man, give him here, man. That's my goat, man.

Here, take him then.Come on.

Come on, man. Come here, buddy.

Jerry... Jerry, come here.

Come here, Jerry.

I'm just gonna let you know, man.

You know, you done right by me and my brother, you know?

Yes, you did.You was our spirit guide.

Yeah. You got us to the Dawson Condos.

You got us this bling.

We about to go kill it with Real Deal.

It wouldn't have been without for you, man, you know?

So...

I'm gonna miss you, you little, pissing, shitting rodent.

Oh, man. That's my buddy right there.

[Both crying]

I'm gonna miss him, man, you know?

I miss him already.

You know, I miss the little hoof and it hit you.

Yeah, that was funny.

We smoked that bomb. We ain't got no more weed.

[Both crying]

You ready?Let's do it.

Okay, let's go.

Getting ready to hit the stage.

No computer shit tonight!

Yeah, Eddie Rodomski, California Gaming Commission.

No, no...I need to get inside.

That's a fake badge. That's a fake badge.

Fake badge? It's a drug deal.

Drug dealing.Chinaman, get out of my way.

Get out of my way!I'm not Chinaman!

Chinaman, beaner, whatever.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Just relax, ma'am.

Just relax. It's okay.

I'm here, guys.

Can we go ahead and get a sitrep up on this scene?

And let's make sure you're getting some good photos.

What?

We got any leads, officer?

I'm sorry. Who are you and what are you doing here?

Can someone please tell me that they've got some info--

Oh, hell no!

He ain't here either!

[Groaning]

That damn Kevin was supposed to take me to that concert!

Uh, we got a problem, ma'am?

Hell yeah, we got a problem.

Kevin was talking about that gold tag shirt.

He fucking stood my ass up again.

Uh, ma'am, Eddie Rodomski, California Gaming.

You say something about gold tag?

Yeah, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.

Who he with?!

Who he with?!

I know he ain't by himself!

Hold on right there.

Hey, boys, I want you to lock it up, Starsky and Hutch!

You too, ma'am.

Lock it up!

♪ Put it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Put it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Put it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

Hold up. Hold up. You guys cannot park here.

Well, impound it then.

Yeah, you fake-ass, action-Jackson.

Go 'head.

Yeah, yeah. What's up?

Hey, what up? What up, baby? Yeah.

Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Bam, bam, right here. Check it out.

Nobody told me the Nell Carter Twins were on the list tonight.

Shut your fake UFC looking ass up.

You and Al Jarreau.

Look here, Grape-aid, two gallon of milk,

unless ya'll on the list, you ain't getting in.

Man, if you don't take that tight-ass suit

down the street somewhere... What the hell's wrong with you?

HERBERT: We got tick--hey!

Oh, shit!

Hey, what's up, baby?

Hey, if it ain't the leader of the gnomes.

Yeah. I'm sorry, the pie eating contest is not tonight.

Man, what you got on, a Baby Gap suit or something like that?

No, that's a KB Toys store special.

God damn, all the soul food is in this motherfucker.

HENRY: Oh, you got jokes, huh? You know what?

You're the first black porcelain doll I have seen.

Oh shit, it's a life in that motherfucker.

All right, if I pull the string, you gonna talk for me?

Hey, look, man. I never seen a G.I. Joe figure talk.

Where your kung fu grip at?

Here it is, right here.

[Grunting]

All right. I told you about fucking with me. Shit...

BOUNCER: Yo, yo, yo, dibs, dibs, dibs.

Those are the cats from the YouTube video I showed you.

Oh, ya'll from YouTube.

I didn't recognize.

Well you'd better recognize.

I'ma let y'all up in here, yeah.

I would have stepped over you, but...

Y'all still some big motherfuckers.

You still a little ass motherfucker.

Fuck you!

Hold up, Herbert, is that you?

Jada?What you doing here?

I thought your ass was broke.

Now, I know you can't be affording no tickets to this.

Broke? Don't you see all this shit I got on?

We about to perform with Real Deal tonight.

What's wrong with you? You're letting him in and not us?

Eye level!Let us in now.

You want to get in?

[Screaming]

You got that, you fucking loser?

Yeah!

Now, you know you should let me in.

Baby, you know you coming in.

Mm-mmm-mmm.Thank you.

Damn and you need to let me in.

Holy shit!

♪ Puttin' it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Puttin' it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Puttin' it on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Puttin' it on the hood, I'm good ♪

♪ I'm so straight, the cops so crooked ♪

♪ Clique full of soldiers, just like No limit ♪

♪ YG, what you doing? Bitch, gimmie four minutes ♪

♪ All in a nigga's grill, like four dentists ♪

Ooh-wee!

Boy, this shit barking, man.

I didn't even know YG was performing tonight.

♪ Got ya girl bouncing on my what? Like a low low ♪

♪ Mustard on the beat, mustard get a fucking cheque ♪

I heard of bobble head, but that's some bobble booty.

Damn!

Hey, but on some realness though, dog,

keep an eye out for Kevin, homie,

because I know them shirts up in here. Hell yeah.

Think Real Deal's up in here?

I don't know and I don't give a fuck.

HERBERT: Ooh, that shit bouncin'.

Okay, come on, come on.

♪ Hey, first off, this beat bangin' ♪

Excuse me, excuse me.

I got this. Let me go first.

You like those?

Yeah, great.

MEGAN: You're looking at that cheese.

You should be looking at that celery.

♪ I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Put that on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

♪ Put that on the hood, I'm good, I'm good ♪

Hello?

Ooh, hoo-hoo!

I want to put your toes in some tacos!

She already got corns on them twinkies already.

Oh, my God. It's those--

Fat, freakin' bastards.

What are you doing?

♪ Bitch in the whip looking hot like a Cheeto! ♪

♪

Hey, hey! You can't park here!

Officer, we've got a 10-45 in progress.

Fucking dopeheads, get a job!

Why are you holding me so hard?

KEVIN: I don't want them fools to see me.

Too late for that.

Hey, yo, you give up the shirt

and don't make us rough you up, playboy.

HERBERT: Hell, yeah!

You give up, Kevin.

You're busted, kind of like your rhymes.

♪ So captivating

Shut up, bitch.

Hey, don't hurt my ebony angel. What's wrong with you?

Man.

Extraordinary!

What the hell?

Oh, it's Period man.

What's going on? Why is a prostitute here?

Not this shit again.

Ricardo--! Nice suit.

Look, I am representing the twins.

And I know you've been trying to find them,

but they've already been signed with me.

[Laughing]

Why are we laughing?

I don't want to sign them.

No, I'm a lover of rare and exotic things,

foods, animals.

I mean, have you ever seen anything

more exotic than this, huh, huh, huh?

Thanks, I think.

Enough!

I'm sick of hearing this shit!

Fact is I've got this shirt. I'm going on.

Man, you know that's our shirt.

You took it from us. You might as well just give it up.

What are you talking about?

I got this shirt at Ray-Ray's, bitch!

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ricardo, Ricardo, Ricardo.

Real Deal.

I'm not paying my manager to sit up here and start fights, man.

What's wrong with you?

RICARDO: Very true. Now I must go prepare the stage.

Listen to the man.

Get out, people. Excuse me, everybody!

California Gaming! See the badge?

So who's the winner?

I am! We are!

Hold on, players. There's only one tag.

Come on, Deal.

These guys will say anything to get onstage with you.

Man, you're a living legend. I got the shirt, look.

Well, you're right about that. The Deal is a living legend.

And one thing about a living legend like this,

I ain't never late. Let's do this thing.

He took that shirt from us.

Liar! That shirt does not belong to you. I was there!

You know I got this from Ray-Ray's!

That's the motherfucker right there

was talking about how he stole some shirt

and was going to take me to the show tonight.

Now here with some ho!

EDDIE: What? Tonesha!

Look, I can prove that these two bought that shirt.

Eddie Rodomski, California Gaming.

Hey, that's right. You already know what's up.

Please examine this, Mr. Deal.

I work for California Gaming,

and we're in charge of the verification of this contest.

I've been tracking these two meatballs for days now.

That's verifiable evidence.

Right there.

Big as day.

Look here. You ain't going onstage with Deal.

[Laughing]

'Cause one thing about Deal, Deal don't do losers.

No! T-dog gonna have his day!

EDDIE: Look out! He's got a weapon!

Yo, Kevin, don't do nothing stupid now. Take it easy.

Shut up, bitch. I've been playing you this whole time.

Fuck you. It's over.

We are over too.

I ain't going to be with no man

that talked to a woman like that.

Hold on a second.

No reason to bring Real Deal in on this.

And by the way, Real Deal,

if I was your manager, none of this would have happened.

[Screaming]

EDDIE: Hands behind your back!

Come on!

Easy there, boy. Easy!

Give me that!

Boys, let me grab a pen for you. Sign that. Make this official.

Sho' fo' sho'. Done.

And done.

That legitimizes it.

Deal! Boss. Come on!

I'll kick you in the junk.

Peace out!Peace!

Bye-bye! Giddy up, big boy!

See what you did!

HENRY: See you later!

I don't know what just went down,

but I'm about to go tie the stage up.

You all rolling? Literally.

[Laughing]

Sounds of pressure.

♪

You two are going to perform with Real Deal tonight!

Three Georgia peaches, please.

[Screaming]

Go!

Get your big ass in there, man.

At the end of the day,

I'm still happy to call you my brother, dog.

That's what's up, bro.You know?

You all ready to do this?

Oh, yes, you already know, man. I was born ready.

Herbert, I just want to say thank you

for sticking up for me.

Man, don't even trip, man.

That shit was nothing, man.

That was very brave.

Cool, cool, cool.

All right.

I'm going to watch it from back here, all right?

All right!

Hey, check your brother, man.

We about to do this thing.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's do this thing. Let's do it.

EMCEE: Tonight at the Roxy, the one and only Real Deal!

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, pride,

Real Deal brought a couple of friends for you,

Herbert and Henry.

We gonna do this thing. Are y'all ready?

Fellas, y'all ready?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on

Let's go get 'em. Go get 'em.

♪ Yeah, come on, come on

♪ Everybody, where you at?

♪ Put your hands in the air like this, come on ♪

♪ Thousand dollar jeans cleaned and my white T ♪

♪ Got to get it in

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T Clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my, clean in my white T ♪

♪ It's those things

♪ Watch us as we get keys to the Escalade ♪

♪ You know that money ain't a thang ♪

♪ Imagine what we been through ♪

♪ Your boys going mental

♪ On to the next scene

♪ Something to get into

♪ I've got it

♪ Yeah, we got to get it

♪ We got to make it happen

♪ Get into this white T Get shit crackin' ♪

♪ Any means necessary Get to the show ♪

♪ Two big-ass brothers kickin' in the dough ♪

♪ So you already know

♪ You better hit the floor

♪ Me and my brother about to blow ♪

♪ You already know what the hell about to happen ♪

♪ Once we get this gold-tag shit ♪

♪ Get to crackin'

♪ I got big dreams I got big schemes ♪

♪ Me and Real Deal about to be real clean ♪

♪ Fresh little chain cost about a quarter mil ♪

♪ That's what I'm-a do when I get my deal ♪

♪ Thousand dollar jeans clean in my white T ♪

♪ Got to get it in

♪ Clean in my white T, ill

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Got to get it ill Clean in my white T ♪

♪ White T, clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my, clean in my white T ♪

♪ White T, clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my, clean in my white T ♪

♪ I save white Ts for days

♪ Real Deal on your playlist

♪ Big boys literally tearing down yours stages ♪

♪ Got the landlord that's confused with his races ♪

♪ And a bad bitch that I'm about to change the game with ♪

♪ No time for haters trying to steal shine ♪

♪ 'Cause I got the golden ticket ♪

♪ And I got the rhymes ♪

♪ I smoke I got a zone ♪

♪ When you smoke, you got it done ♪

♪ You find me in a Caddie rolling nothing but the finest ♪

♪ That means if I'm on it shit is gonna smoke ♪

♪ And everything is say is deep ♪♪ Like a trombone

♪ I'm getting money with the homies ♪

♪ While you're going broke

♪ On the big screen Shit is funny but it's no joke ♪

♪ Thousand dollar jeans clean in my white T ♪

♪ Got to get it ill Clean in my white T, ill ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Got to get it ill Clean in my white T ♪

♪ White T, clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my white T Clean in my white T ♪

♪ White T, clean in my white T ♪

♪ Clean in my white T

♪ Clean in my, clean in my white T ♪

♪ White T, white T

♪ Fresh white T, fresh white T

♪ Fresh white T

♪ Fresh white T, fresh white T

♪ Fresh white T, fresh white T ♪ White T, T

♪ White T

NARRATOR: Hey, all right, well, there you have it.

I didn't say it was gonna be pretty or anything,

but that's the story.

Well, well, well!

Larceny, assault with a deadly weapon, obstruction.

The list goes on and on and on.

[Clearing throat]

I like to tell you a little story.

[Sighing]

There was a little boy.

They called the Wolf Caller,

because he would cry wolf every night, every night.

[Howling]

"The wolf is coming!"

And one night a wolf came.

And the wolf sat by his door.

So one night...

the wolf come down from Mount Escejalajolinos.

It's a place where a lot of wolves are at.

Everybody said, "Oh, the fucking wolf is here!

"The wolf, the wolf!"

Everybody was frightened!

But the wolf only stayed by the boy's door.

Huh?

It was a long day. Adios.

So am I the wolf?

Well, no, no.

You are the little boy.

I am the wolf.

[Laughing]

You are crazier than shit!

Can't wait till dinner.

I saw a barbecue place around the corner.

[Howling]

♪

♪ We in the club just trying to have fun ♪

♪ Why you got to make it so... ♪ Complicated

♪ We in the club trying to have fun ♪

♪ Why you got to make it so... ♪ Complicated

♪ Aren't you single?

♪ It's complicated

♪ See the bright lights flashing ♪

♪ Like we in Vegas

♪ Girl, please don't don't blow my eye ♪

♪ I'm faded

♪ Stop, stop what you're saying ♪

♪ You're, oh, so complicated ♪

♪ All about my money, Pink Floyd ♪

♪ Big cash money like Lloyd ♪

♪ I throw it to the ladies ♪

♪ Get it, shorty

♪ I'm gonna get it if gonna take me all morning ♪

♪ I'm single for the night

♪ Got to make the mood just right ♪

♪ The life of the party

♪ Set the tone

♪ Bust a move I'm-a love light tone ♪

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, I provide what you like ♪

♪ What you fantasize are my realities ♪

♪ Why you mad at me?

♪ Quit asking me

♪ Aren't you single?

♪ It's complicated

♪ See the bright lights flashing ♪

♪ Like we in Vegas

♪ Girl, please, don't blow my eye ♪

♪ I'm faded

♪ Stop, stop what you're saying ♪

♪ You're oh, so complicated ♪

♪ Relationship? Girl, stop ♪

♪ You're either interested or you're not ♪

♪ You know what time it is

♪ Look at my watch

♪ Rodney King, baby Beat it like a cop ♪

♪ She hot I need a shot ♪

♪ I'm a give her all I got ♪

♪ Let's have drinks and mingle ♪

♪ Party with the DJ He playing our single ♪

♪ Hang with my people and get drunk ♪

♪ And we can get nutty Professor Klump ♪

♪ I'm-a do me You do what you want ♪

♪ All these questions need to stop like... ♪

♪ Aren't you single?

♪ It's complicated

♪ See the bright lights flashing ♪

♪ Like we in Vegas

♪ Girl, please don't blow my eye I'm faded ♪

♪ Stop, stop what you're saying ♪

♪ You're, oh, so complicated ♪

♪ Let's fly away

♪ If you're single let me hear you say ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ We came to play

♪ If you're single even for today ♪

♪ Say hey, hey, hey

♪ Aren't you single?

♪ It's complicated

♪ See the bright lights flashing ♪

♪ Like we in Vegas

♪ Girl, please don't blow my eye ♪

♪ I'm faded

♪ Stop, stop what you're saying ♪

♪ You're oh, so complicated ♪

♪

[Music ends]