Original subtitles

[man] Comms.

[Haines] This is DS Haines from Bristol and Avon.

I'm looking for information on an alias known as "The Dean".

[man] I'll call you back.

[Malaki] What was you thinking?

She was thinking how she could save our lives.

By promising we'll pay every penny back in eight weeks,

with interest, washed and folded?

That can't be done!

But you-- you're a drug dealer.

You-- you're rich, aren't you?

Shut up! You don't know me.

Look around.

My crib is a garage at the end of my mum's garden.

You have things.

Your TV, those trainers-- you could sell your car.

Hello, Mr Dean.

Here's a second hand range, and a flat screen TV.

We good?

And I got a family to provide for.

What I earn goes to my fam.

Six is a lot of mouths to feed.

And are you forgetting, the feds nailed me for making you do my community service.

If they send me to pen, and we ain't paid,

The Dean'll have his people inside do me a ting, straight.

You didn't save our necks, you put 'em in a noose.

Maybe I can ask my parents for help.

They rockin' that kinda money?

No. But, I dunno, maybe they can raise it.

If we get them involved, we make them complicit.

Do you have a better idea then?

Yeah. We go to the feds.

Man, ain't makin' no deal with the feds!

What choice do we have?

We lay it out there.

We tell the feds, and let them protect us.

Man ain't snitching!

It's better than digging your own shallow grave.

He's right. I have the number of a policewoman we can call.

And then we can just finish this.

[tense music playing]

[line ringing]

[phone chimes]

[Haines] Haines.

Hi, this is Rani Rekowski.

Rani. How are you?

[Rani] Well...

Well, that's why I'm calling.

Okay.

[Rani] I just had something important I needed to tell you.

But I'm not sure I should be telling you on the phone.

[Haines] What's this about?

[phone vibrating]

Rani? Are you still there?

[Rani] Can you give me a second, please?

[Haines] Hello?

Rani, what did you want to tell me?

I wanted to tell you that I'm completing my payback hours,

and I'm staying out of trouble and keeping my head down.

Glad to hear it.

[Rani] Okay. Thanks. Bye.

[telephone rings]

-Rani? -[man] Comms.

You were enquiring about The Dean?

Yes. Yes, I was.

[man] That information's classified, you don't have clearance.

Clearance?

[man] Thank you for your enquiry.

[theme music playing]

[birds chirping]

Say something.

I say we don't pay.

Call his bluff. Boom.

He knows where we live,

and my family, and Ben's sister.

-Boom. -He's already threatened to hurt them.

[Rani] Same if we go to the Police.

Look, we have eight weeks.

You three have to get the money back.

I told you we've spent it!

-On what? -The Bristol Justice Collective.

Still don't understand what it is revolutionaries actually need,

by the way, apart from berets and some twat on a guitar.

A new website, new minibus, new staff, new offices.

Fifteen types of milk, probably.

[Myrna] Oh, right. And what did you spend yours on?

I put mine into my business. As you well know.

The one you just got fired from? Great save.

[Christian] What did you spend your cut on, Frank?

My daughter's mortgage. It was killing her.

I had to help.

So, you haven't helped her in 40 years,

but you couldn't wait eight more weeks to grow a conscience?!

You guys, are just gonna save yourselves and let our loved ones die?

Christian Taylor.

[Myrna] What about him?

If he has to do jail time, for making Ben do CS,

he won't be around to run his drug operation.

We are not becoming drug dealers.

Absolutely not!

I've done some grifts in my time, but not that.

Tell me it isn't a good way to make big money fast!

-Rani! -[Rani] It's eight weeks

and then it's over. Why not?

Because drugs have ruined the lives of everyone I've loved!

No one is dealing drugs.

Okay?

Jeez, I'll get another loan, somehow.

I'll have to ask Margie for the money back, somehow.

I'll see-- I'll see what I can do.

[knocks on door]

[Haines] Sir, you wanted to see us?

How many times have you called comms today?

-I haven't. -You?

About five or six times.

Well, which is it? Five or six?

-Six? -Twelve times!

-You've been red flagged. -Red flagged?

For pestering them about someone called The Dean.

Even though you've been repeatedly told to stand down.

Now, stand down!

With respect, Sir, why am I being stonewalled?

[sighs]

You are treading on Scotland Yard's size tens.

The Dean is London big time, tied to international syndicates.

For two years,

the Met have been tracking him, building a case.

So, why haven't they arrested him then?

[DCI Monroe] He's got good tradecraft.

Never handles product or money directly, impossible to pin him with anything.

We can help. He's running county lines into Bristol.

[scoffs] If that were the case, the Met would know about it.

[Haines] Would they, if The Dean's so careful?

And it's not like they share intel with us, so we wouldn't know.

[sighs] What have you got?

The Dean has a local foot-soldier called Christian Taylor.

Taylor is about to do time for violating probation.

My hunch is, if we can flip him,

he could give us The Dean.

But my hunch is that you're ambitious and think

that if you can nail someone the Met can't,

that's your ticket out of Bristol.

I won't apologise for being ambitious, Sir.

But if we do land The Dean, that's national news.

We all take a bow.

If your snooping blows London's case,

we'll spend the rest of our days shooing seagulls off Bristol docks!

Is that how you see your future?

I stand by my partner, Sir.

Just to confirm, are you telling us to stand down, Sir?

I'm telling you, tread carefully.

[dramatic music playing]

I hope you know what you're doing.

I hate seagulls.

They're like rats with wings.

[sighs]

Are you going to talk about it?

-Hmm? -Last night,

you walked out on our dinner party.

Yeah, sorry. I had to, uh, pop back to the office.

At 10:00 o'clock?

Will you-- stop doing that?

Look at me.

What is going on with you?

I, erm...

I realised, you know I've been working this job 19 years,

19 years!

I mean, Christ, when I first started,

personal assistants were still called secretaries, you know?

You could still ask 'em to make you a cup of tea

and not wind up in a tribunal.

Nineteen years.

I mean, that is-- that is a lot of dress down Fridays and signing birthday cards.

And that's why, yesterday, we decided that, er...

I need a change.

-We? -[John] Dad and I, yeah.

We, er-- we talked it through and, erm...

I'm getting a new job.

I'm gonna get a different job. A job that's for me.

-What job? -I don't know yet.

I've got feelers out and I am excited for this new chapter.

-Buzzing! -You didn't think

you ought to discuss this with me?

I am discussing it with you. I'm discussing it with you right now.

But this is going to impact us financially.

-[John] No. -School fees.

-No. -The ski trip!

No! Listen, because I am gonna take

my 19 years of management experience

and I will breeze into another job.

John...

did your father fire you?

What! No! That's ludicrous.

You can tell me if he did.

I would! He didn't. It was mutual.

And listen, I'm doing this...

I'm doing something for me, for us, okay?

I mean, I thought you'd be happy for me.

You know I'm happy if you are.

Well, I'm happy.

So...

we're both happy.

[keys jangling]

[door slams shut]

[door opens]

-[Greg] What are you doing? -[Gabby] I decided to give up booze.

But that's my booze and I haven't.

Greg, while I'm living here I can't have any temptation around me

which is why...

I need you to hide this for me.

What is it, flour? You going gluten-free as well?

-That's cocaine. -Cocaine?

What'd you buy, the family size?

Look, just hide it, okay?

Whatever I say to you, do not give it to me

no matter how much I beg you.

Don't give in, okay?

-Okay. -Did you speak to my agent?

-Yes. -And does she have a job for me?

No.

Well, nothing? No adverts or sponsorship?

Greg, I need some money! You told me that I was going bankrupt!

I know, but you're seen as unreliable since

you called that soda machine the c-word.

It was a cunt!

Other products don't wanna be associated with you.

-I'm edgy. -No, you're toxic.

Toxic's cool.

[Greg] It used to be but now celebrities need to seem nice.

You've gotta show empathy and cellulite.

And also, some people are saying...

What?

That you've got anger issues.

Who's saying that? I'll kill the fuckers!

There's also the substance abuse.

Which I am working on. Just gimme my coke back.

But you told me not to.

That was before, now I need a bump.

-Give it to me! -No, you said whatever you say to me,

-don't let you have it! -Give me the bag, you speccy twat!

Give it to me!

-[groans] -[Greg grunts]

-This is not the real you speaking! -Yes it is, you rake with a face.

[Greg] No! Not the tickling!

[Gabby] Give it to me!

Don't, and I'll get you a job.

You said no one would employ me.

Gimme 24 hours and I'll find you something.

Yeah? Come on, please, stay strong.

Sorry for calling you a bug-eyed beanpole.

Well, it was speccy twat. And rake with a face.

Either way. I'm sorry.

I need a drink.

Sorry.

[indistinct chatter]

Can I have a word?

Remember when you asked me where the cash for all of this came from?

I thought it was our mystery donor?

Yeah, well if I tell you who it is,

then, uh, you can't tell anyone.

It's Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe.

That posh woman who's always falling out of nightclubs?

All right! Keep your voice down.

Why is she interested in the BJC?

I thought her kind were only interested in bottle service and lip filler.

Well she deeply respects me and my organisation

and she wanted to make a sizeable donation to support it.

-I misjudged her. -Yes, you did.

But now she needs all the money back.

What?

You know what the landed gentry are like: fickle.

We've spent the money.

We'll have to unspend it.

We've got a year's lease on this place.

-Full-time staff on payroll. -Really.

You're saying it like it's my fault. We all voted for those things.

Because you promised you could keep us financially independent.

That's why we turned down a council grant.

Yeah, and you're gonna need to go

to the council and say that we want the grant after all.

That ship's sailed, Myrna.

Well, we can still get the money back, can't we?

We can, er...

we could sell the minibus and

those ergonomic chairs.

Can you stop bouncing, please.

And I always said, we don't need the Reiki guy full-time.

Myrna, those are just the things you can see.

We would have to liquidate the organisation to get the money back.

The BJC will cease to exist.

[dramatic music playing]

[door opens]

[Margaret] Dad, we're in here!

[Frank] Margie, we need to discuss something.

You paid off the mortgage.

-Ta-da! -As of this morning,

-and there was money left. -There was?

So I set up a college fund for the kids.

Do the kids even wanna go to college?

I do!

[Margaret] It's Johnny Walker Red. That's your tipple, isn't it?

Mum's made your favourite too, meatloaf.

Well, it's sort of shepherd's pie

that I sort of squeezed into a loaf.

It's the thought that counts.

Well it's the deed that counts too.

Thank you so much, Dad.

It's the least I can do.

What was it you wanted to discuss?

Nothing urgent.

[hold music playing on phone]

-[man] Mr Halloran? -[John] Yeah! Hello!

-Yes, I'm here. -[man] Hello.

-Hello! -[man] Er, can I confirm.

You said you're not currently employed, is that right?

I-- well, I am currently, um, in between jobs, yeah.

But, as I said, I have 19 years

of management experience, and I'm confident

that I will find fresh employment very soon.

[man] Yes, I've checked with my supervisor,

but we can't grant you a loan.

I'm sorry.

Why not?

[man] You have no employment, you're heavily mortgaged

on your assets so we just can't proceed.

I'm sorry.

Do you remember when banks like yours went tits-up in 2008,

and it was taxpayers, like me, that bailed you out?

[man] No, Sir, I was only six years old.

Well, it's absurd, you know.

It's absurd that I am standing here today and a businessman

like me can't get a loan from your bank.

But if this were 2007,

and I was an unemployed single mother

with three kids and a crack addiction,

I'd have walked out of your place with a mortgage and a fucking balloon!

[man] Is there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

[tense music playing]

[Myrna] Like she said,

we're only in it for eight weeks and then we're done.

Men like this guy from London, exploit local kids, I know that...

but I'll get to know those kids and when this is over,

I can help them.

If I don't do this, people will get hurt.

If I dissolve the BJC, the community will get hurt.

Forty years' work, wiped out like that.

And I would've killed a man...

for your whole life,

my life...

for nothing.

If...

...we did do what you suggested,

how would it work?

-What? -The plan you suggested.

I dunno. We'd meet with Taylor,

find out how he operates.

Eight weeks, right?

We just do what is necessary and then we're out.

And absolutely no violence.

Course. Thank you.

We're not doin' it.

Do you all know what drugs have done to my mum?

-I understand how you feel. -No, you don't!

You don't, or you wouldn't have suggested it in the first place.

-I wish I didn't have to. But... -You have no idea!

My whole life-- you have no idea what I've had to do to stop

-from going down the same path! -What option do we have?

We make as much money as we can in eight weeks then we walk away.

A brief, terrible episode in all of our lives.

I'd never do anything to hurt you, but The Dean will.

I'm scared.

I'm really scared.

And I don't wanna die.

All right.

So we raise the funds.

How do we launder it?

[toilet flushes]

Guess who's back?

Oh, it's not fucking Beryl, is it?

Aye.

I hate that old bitch.

[John] Greg, listen mate, we need you.

I'm not doing any more money laundering!

I got really stressed last time and my eczema broke out.

I was scratching my groin so much I got thrown out of Nandos.

[Frank] High pockets,

we're all friends here, that's why nobody wants to remind you

about a certain cupboard of chaos which, if exposed,

would leave you up shit creek

with your dick in your hand.

Well, actually, my dick's already up shit creek in someone else's hand.

-What does that mean? -It means a bloke I work with

called Spencer Fitzwilliam already found my cupboard of chaos

and has been blackmailing me with it and making my life hell.

So, join the queue. Westside!

[Myrna] Westside?

Leave it to me.

I can change his mind.

You, take over?

She serious?

We need to make money, fast.

You have a way of doing that,

but who's gonna run things for you when you're in prison.

-Not you! -Er, then who?

Because Souljah's betrayed you,

Spider's out of action,

now your whole crew's just some little boys on BMX's.

Woah, woah, wait. We don't even know I'm set for a stretch.

You said this lawyer of yours is good, right?

I didn't say he was good, I said he was free.

Nah, I ain't handing you my line.

Why not?

Because I don't trust you.

We're the only ones you can trust.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend"?

Was it the same guy who said, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck"?

I spent my whole life trying to stay out of the game.

You think I wanna be a part of anything you do?

We're all in this together whether we like it or...

Nah, G! You do you, and I'll take care of myself.

[Rani] Oh! [laughs] Really?

Because last night you're about this close to being dead

before I stepped up and if you don't start trusting me,

none of us are getting out of this shit alive!

What do you even know about running a line?

Nothing, but I'm a quick learner.

Swear down, if you fuck me on this,

and I will Shawshank my way out of the pen so fast.

A'ight.

What do you wanna know?

Everything.

Alright, listen, because I don't like repeating myself.

You know what this is?

Er, it is a mobile phone.

Wrong! It's the phone, the line.

Contains numbers for all my customers,

so, every day I ping out a message:

"Open for business all the time.

For what you need call the line."

-Now, what? -We wait.

-You making notes? -Yeah, it's just a lot to...

[thuds]

You keep everything up here.

Sorry.

[phone rings]

Yo, whatcha need?

Where you at?

What are you wearing?

A'ight, soon come.

-So you take the order, and then what? -[Malaki] Then, important...

you use a different phone to call whatever runner you think is closest.

Yo, Biggs. One bag of beans, Elswick Road.

The guy's wearing a navy blue tracksuit.

You got that?

A'ight.

And Bingo was his name, yo.

Could we meet some of the runners?

[dogs barking]

[seagulls cawing]

What's he doin' here?

This is our business advisor.

[car beeps]

[dramatic music playing]

[Malaki] There's some of my runners.

[indistinct chatter]

Jesus, they look barely out of nappies!

I recognise that blonde girl.

She goes to school with my sister!

This is so wrong man.

[Malaki] Don't judge. They're only doing it

to feed their families, same as me.

What are you doing?

Never exit the vehicle! Basics.

Basics.

Okay. So, erm, how much does a runner get paid.

About 80 quid.

Standard? For everybody?

Depends how much they sell.

Or, if they owe money, it's set against that.

[phone beeping]

[Malaki] Yo, man pulled up. Send 'em away and come here, innit.

-What are we doing? -We're doing what we have to do.

What is happening?

Oi, you lot. Piss off.

[Malaki] The boy who just left took the food.

So if the feds are watching, they can't link shit directly to me.

-What you sayin', big man? -Wagwan, you a'ight, yeah?

Cash total.

OK.

Anyone complaining about the quality of the food?

Nah, cuz.

OK, I think I can get the business side of things down,

but that dialect, it's gonna take a bit of work.

-Anyone watching you? -Nah, man.

-Anyone else selling? -[runner] Nah.

-No trouble? -Uh-uh.

-Nah? -Nah, man!

Four? There should be five.

Bruv, we sold four hundred.

Yo, big man.

You know what happens if you start lying to me, right?

Yeah, I do bro and I ain't lyin'.

Yeah?

In a bit.

What was that about?

[Malaki] Nuttin'.

You gotta make 'em sweat every now and then, innit?

And what if he had been lying?

[laughs] Trust me.

He knows better than that.

[car revving]

You've never seen Jaws?

Nope. I've never seen Jaws.

I have seen Jaws 2, 3 and 4 though!

-Oh! -Chap! Tides out!

-We take it in turns. -[telephone ringing]

[John] So how do you manage, er, staffing levels?

[Malaki] I only take on people when demand is steady,

otherwise you're just paying for employees

when you don't need them.

Oh, yeah? Good.

Yeah, I wish I'd done that.

Got quite the business brain.

-You pick it all up on the street? -Yeah.

Oxford was full, innit.

So what have your net profits been over the last three years?

I've been even at 200k.

[John] OK.

But business isn't growing though, is it?

You know they say that a business that isn't progressing is regressing.

That's the big mistake I made.

Yeah, I know that.

I need to mix it up man.

Can't you move into other markets?

I can't just pick and drop my runners off

in another part of Bristol.

That's where the problems start.

[John] Well, you're definitely a natural.

You ever think about legitimate work?

I think you'd, uh... go places.

[scoffs]

[kisses teeth]

Is it safe?

What?

Is it safe?

Is what safe?

Special Agent Robert Stack,

Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Oh, V funny chap but, er,

you're a bit old to be a strip-o-gram. [laughs]

How much are the lads paying you?

Your name is Spencer Fitzwilliam.

You're a lawyer at Northcott Marling, correct?

What's this about?

On three, leave your wrap on the bench,

stand, and follow me.

One, two, three.

[Spencer] Can I see your badge again, mate?

We need to talk about the biggest coordinated response

to international money laundering in FBI history.

[laughs] Money laundering?

Keep your goddamn voice down.

-Come on, chap! Is this a joke? -Joke?

See that guy.

That's my colleague. Agent Jack Webb.

He spent two years travelling across four continents

tracing corrupt bankers and bogus accounts

with ties to organised crime.

Agent Webb missed his own mother's funeral.

Ask Agent Webb if this is a joke.

What's this got to do with me?

Your firm has been compromised.

Are you clean?

-Am I what? -Are you clean?

Yeah, yeah, I'm clean.

Then, why are you impeding our investigation?

I-- I'm not.

We have the cooperation of an informant in your office.

He has been collating paperwork as part of our evidence.

I believe that paperwork is now in your possession.

Greg! Greg's a mole for the FBI?

Keep your goddamn voice down.

Never say that out loud again.

Who put you up to this?

Was it Grunter or Nadger? I bet it was Nadger, wasn't it?

Sometime soon,

law enforcement will be walking into your place of work

and marching people out in handcuffs.

Ask me again if I'm joking.

-Where's the paperwork? -Yes, the...

Do you speak English?

-Yes, yes. -Where's the paperwork?

It's in my car.

-Easy. Let's go. -OK.

-Rita. Knock, knock. -Greg.

I wonder if I can have a quick chat with you

about a hypothetical HR scenario?

Erm, I'm actually on my lunch hour at the moment, Greg.

I can come back.

No, it's fine.

-HR is always open. -[laughs] OK, thank you. Thank you.

-[Rita] Come on in. -Erm...

Do you mind just sitting down there, please Greg,

'cause it's a bit... loomin' over me, like a ghost.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, just wondering if hypothetically a gentleman,

you know, who works in the office has had conversations

with a woman who also works in the office.

OK. Work conversations?

Sometimes work, you know, but other just general chit chat.

-About what? -The weather, erm,

rambling in the Peak District,

Roger Federer's thighs, erm...

Where have these conversations taken place, please?

Different places. Erm, lift, kitchen,

sometimes at the woman's desk.

OK.

Has the gentleman in question

perched on the lady's desk at any point?

-Er, there might've been a perch. -[Rita] Mm-hmm.

Just hop up there for me a moment, would you, please.

Right. So you can see what's happening here?

-Hmm? -What's happening?

What's the lady's having to look at

when the gentleman sits like that on her desk.

The gentleman's groin is at the lady's eye level.

OK.

Pop yourself back down, please, Greg.

This is ringing a lot of alarm bells.

Erm, is the gentleman superior to the lady?

No, he's got very low self-esteem.

No, I mean in job title or rank.

Oh, well, he's marginally superior, I think.

Right. Yeah.

That will put him in the red zone.

And what is the red zone?

The red zone is where HR would have to consider the man's position.

-Oh, wow. Blimey. -Hmm.

Just to be totally clear, hypothetically, the man couldn't make

any kind of overture to the woman?

What, in the hope of a sexual relationship?

-Yes, please. -No, absolutely not, no.

So, he couldn't, say, erm, ask her out for a drink or anything?

-No. No, definitely not. -No.

If this guy works here, which it sounds like he does,

whoever he may be,

then he will have read our company policy

on sexual and romantic relationships.

What if he started reading it and he found it heavy going

so instead he watched some golfing bloopers on YouTube?

Well, then, he won't know that even consensual relationships

between colleagues can lead to disciplinary action or dismissal.

Dismissal?

Hi, Greg. I'm grabbing a sandwich. Do you want one?

No!

[grunts]

-This is all of it? -Yeah.

[Frank] I assume,

I don't need to tell you that everything I've said is confidential.

You don't even discuss it with Greg Dillard.

You've got them now, so you can tell me is this real or what?

Stay in Greg Dillard's good books though,

'cause when the shit hits the fan

and he starts pointing fingers,

you don't want him pointing at you.

Now, you need to call me a cab.

Yes. Yeah, of course.

Do you want, erm, an Uber XL or Lux?

Yeah, we'll go Lux. Bit nicer for you.

Seven minutes.

[Malaki] I ain't pleading guilty, bro.

Then you'll do twice the prison time.

Listen, I got too much stuff going on right now

to be sitting in a prison cell.

You violated your probation, you're going down.

There's nothing I can do about that.

What I can do is reduce the amount of time you do.

Tea?

Can I make you one in a minute? I'm just in the middle of something.

[Spencer] Sorry, I'm asking.

Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yes, please. -Pleasure, chap.

Would you like one?

You got any ginseng?

All right, so how long am I looking at if I plead not guilty?

A year, maybe two.

But plead guilty, I can get that down to a few months.

A few months? [laughs]

What kinda waste-man lawyer are you?

Bad news, no ginseng.

But I do have mint,

green, lapsang souchong, oolong,

or lemon ginger and manuka honey?

Surprise me.

Biscuit? Biscuit?

I'll have a biscuit.

-No, I'm good, bro. -One biscuit for Gregolas, my liege.

[upbeat music playing]

So what you gonna do?

High-pockets.

You were up shit creek, but I found you a paddle.

You got it back!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

-It comes with a few strings attached. -[Greg] I knew it would!

I knew it would when you presented it like a quiz show.

I'm not doing any more money laundering, I told you that already.

I can't handle another criminal conviction or another flakey crotch.

So do your worst. I'd rather take my chances.

Fine! Here, take it.

But!

Say goodbye to Rani and Ben.

Why, you leaving early? Half day?

-No, they're dead! -You just killed them.

-What are you talking about? -[Frank] This gangster up in London.

We need to repay back all his dough and wash it,

or he's gonna clip them and everybody they care about.

Clip them? Who's this gangster? Edward G Robinson?

We're behind the eight-ball here.

-We need your help. -Is he serious?

-Yeah. -I thought the money was spent?

-We're gonna earn it back. -How?

Running Christian Taylor's operation while he's inside.

-Jesus Christ! -None of us wanna be doing this.

-No. -We're in trouble, mate.

Big trouble.

[tense music playing]

[John] Good?

OK.

All right, so his customer base is loyal,

but it's small.

If we're gonna make anywhere near the money we need to make,

in the time we have, we need to find new markets,

new customers, and we need to do it quick.

-How do we do that? -Marketing.

-Marketing? -[John] Yeah.

We have to find people who would buy drugs,

and we need to let them know that we are here and we are open for business.

What, so we just put an advert in the yellow pages, yeah?

Class A drugs available.

Oh, no, I tell you what, let's put Class AAA

and we'll go straight to the front.

[Rani] Obviously, we can't run adverts.

How do companies normally reach customers?

Direct marketing.

But that involves mailing lists, names, numbers, email addresses.

-BJC must have a mailing list. -[Myrna] No.

No way are we targeting my people.

Well, you know you leftie hypocrites,

you're actually the perfect kind of customer.

You won't touch palm oil because of deforestation,

but you'll happily snort cocaine

that's been smuggled up some peasant's mimsy.

Firstly, there's no way I'm exploiting 40 years of trust in the BJC

and secondly, mimsy?

So what other choice do we have?

No one wants to be doing this.

What about Gabby?

Surely everyone in her phone is a potential customer.

[Rani] What about her music festival?

Isn't there a mailing list for that?

I'm not bringing Gabby into this.

You don't have to bring her into it,

you just have to get the details off her phone.

And you live with her, so I'm sure that should be easy enough.

Well, what about you? You work in a nightclub!

I bet their mailing list is full of drug-heads.

No, no, my manager is proper paranoid.

He keeps his office door locked, computer password protected,

-Nah, there's no way of gettin' in there. -Find a way.

You get Gabby's mailing list, you get the BJC's.

How? It's on Claire's computer.

Figure it out.

-Who put you in charge? -Yeah, what are you gonna contribute?

[Rani] Hmm.

[John] Students.

Students, they love to party, don't they?

We have a major university right here in the city.

That is twenty thousand potential buyers right there.

-But none of us are students. -No, but you look like you are.

[dramatic music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Who do I speak to about volunteering?

[Laurence] And you take every sausage

the average person would eat in their lifetime, put it together,

it would actually reach to the moon.

You need to watch a documentary called Food, Inc.,

you will never eat meat again.

I won't go near the stuff. It's the smoking of today.

Excuse me, erm, are you organising the frat party?

That was my idea. Erm, you missed the early bird wristbands.

OK? Tickets are now 35 a pop.

You get two free Jaegers and entry to the wet t-shirt competition

where, the, the contestants... all men!

Er, I was hoping I could volunteer?

Yeah? You can... man a hose?

No, no, with the, er, organisation of the party.

-Most freshers just wanna get wasted. -[Rani] Not me. [chuckles]

I enjoy planning more than... partying.

[knocks on door]

This is Greg,

he works for Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe.

She comes in here a lot.

Well, M'Lady's got great taste.

Not if she comes in here, she doesn't.

But she does have a great arse.

I'll be sure to pass that on.

I don't know if you're aware that, aside from her arse,

she's also got 1.2 million followers on social media.

I don't use the internet much,

except for sports results and wanking.

Well, it's good to have hobbies.

Can I suggest that perhaps you give Her Ladyship a quick Google?

I think you'll be quite interested in what you find.

Is Lady Gabby single? Because my wife's just left me, again

I'm on the hunt and she is right up my street, classy.

Well, Lady Gabby's actually a member of the LGBT community.

What, she's a lezza?

What a waste.

Yup, or you'd have been in with a shot.

-[chuckles] -[club owner] Not very ladylike, is she?

Her Ladyship, smashing up cars, keying cars.

What's she got against cars?

Well, she's what we call "edgy".

Well, 'round here we'd call her a bitch.

I'll be sure to pass that on.

What's your proposition?

Well, what if Lady Gabby was to tell her 1.2 million followers,

that she's gonna make a live personal appearance

in your club this evening?

To do what?

Wave and stuff?

How much?

[upbeat music playing]

[car engine revving]

[seagulls cawing]

[Malaki] Look after my Range like it's your own nutsack.

I see so much as a crisp wrapper in the cup holder, it's peak for you.

Guard that line with your life,

because it's worth way more.

You feel me?

Yeah, I feel you.

[dramatic music playing]

[Laurence] People say she destroyed the welfare state.

Public spending went up every year under Thatcher.

In '82 to '83, the government was spending 48% of the GDP.

That's more than in any year under Tony Blair or Gordon Brown.

Thanks, Tom.

Poor bloke, what's he, like 60?

If I wind up doing that when I'm his age, shoot me, yeah?

[chuckles]

-What's wrong with what he's doing? -No, nothing.

I just think that one can aspire to just a little bit

more than collecting other people's crap all your life.

-[laughs] -Why?

If all you did, every day, was mop latrines,

empty bins for minimum wage, why wouldn't you shoot yourself?

And what are you studying?

I'm doing a PhD in applied microeconomics.

And what you gonna do when you finish?

[Laurence] Write? Teach?

I'd like to be an academic, like my father.

Right, so you're gonna spend five years

studying microeconomics and write some

obscure academic textbook

that half a dozen people will read,

and then spend your life teaching microeconomics

so that other people can do the same thing, is that right?

Your saying academia is not a worthy pursuit?

I'm saying that academia is masturbation in a corduroy jacket.

[laughter]

What are you gonna do with your life then?

I dunno.

-That's not an answer. -[Rani] It's honest.

I don't know.

I just know I wanna live, like, really live.

Well, I get that.

I just got back from inter-railing.

Never felt more alive.

Laurence Chartney, by the way, Union President.

Rani Rekowski.

Is there anything else I can help with? I'm actually really good at computers.

Oh, actually, yes!

[man] One, two.

Check one, two.

Oh! Let me take that for you, your Ladyship.

Feel free to leave anything you like in here, it's very secure.

You could even get changed in here if you like, that camera don't work.

When you chatted about us on your Twitter and whatnot,

we sold over 80% of our tickets.

In one hour, this place will be chock-o-block

with over 2,000 people, all here to see you.

Two-thousand?

Yeah, all getting pissed up hopefully.

And what do I have to do?

Just walk on the stage, wave and give away some T-shirts.

On that stage?

Yeah.

Let's talk financials.

-[suspenseful music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

[keyboard clacking]

You weren't lying, nice work.

Next, could you consolidate this into one super-column for me?

Uh-huh.

You know, if there's something you need to, you know, get on with...

Hey, thanks, for really giving it to me earlier.

No-holds-barred.

You know, there's a lot of smart people in this place,

but most of them struggle to keep up with me, but not you.

-Mmm. -[Laurence] So... namaste.

[whisper] Namaste.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Shut me down immediately if this is out of order,

but I would love to converse further.

Can I get your deets?

-My deets? -It's short for details.

Not by much.

What do you say?

-Yeah, okay, sure. -[Laurence] Great.

So what are you studying here, by the way?

Um, mathematics and physics.

Yeah? I did maths as my undergrad.

Really? Did you? That's great.

-That's... -How are you finding it so far?

Professor Sturridge is a bit of a hard arse, right?

Is he? I hadn't noticed.

-Uh... -She is?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, she seems kinda blokeish to me.

[laughs]

Uh, we're gonna head to the bar for some drinks,

and I think you should join.

Yeah, I just really, you know, wanna break the back of this, uh,

but then I'll be straight down.

-That's a great work ethic. -Mmm.

Whatever it is you choose to do in life, I can tell you're gonna crush it.

I'll see you down there.

[dramatic music playing]

Mailing list. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, there isn't that much...

What is it?

John, I'm at the you-know-where,

tryna get the you-know-what off of Claire's computer.

Lovely. Why are you calling me?

[Myrna] Because I don't use computers.

I just literally spent the last 45 minutes trying to turn the damn thing on.

Where's the mailing list?

How can I possibly know that?

Well, you use computers, don't you?

Yeah, I have. Not that exact one!

-[John] What's on the screen? -[Myrna] A waterfall.

[John] Okay, are there folders with the waterfall?

-The folders? -[John] Ya!

The little icons that look like folders!

No, there are no folders!

I just told you it's just a waterfall.

-Are you looking at a screensaver? -[Myrna] A what?

[indistinct chatter]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,

Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe!

[cheers]

She's on, what's she waiting for?!

She's just getting in the zone. Give her a second.

[John] Do you know what a mouse is?

[Myrna] Yeah. Yes. Yes, I know what a mouse is.

Jiggle it!

Ooh! Right! Yes!

Now that has done something!

So now, the screen is purple and grey

and there are lots of little folders...

Now what?

Look for one that says "mailing list" or something like that.

My pork chop is getting cold, by the ways.

[humming]

Mail out! Right, there's one called "mail out".

-Could that be it? -Could be.

-Now what? -Now drag and drop it onto your USB.

[cheers and shouts]

You ready?

I can't do it.

Yeah you can! He's paying you fifteen hundred quid!

Per club. And he's got five clubs.

That's seven-and-a-half grand.

Almost pays off your bar tab.

-What does drag and drop mean? -[John] Christ!

My mother-in-law can drag and drop. She's 92 and blind.

Just put the arrow over the folder.

Put the arrow-- put the arrow...

how do I do that?

With the mouse!

Put the arrow over the folder with the mouse!

Do not fucking shout at me!

Hi Imran, hi.

This may be nothing,

but this new fresher has just volunteered

at the student union and something smells a bit off about her.

Do you mind just searching to see if she's actually a student here?

Her name is Rani Rekowski.

Oh, damn!

I left my phone in my coat in your office.

No, it's cool. I'll go.

[club owner] Oh, cheers.

The arrow is now over the folder.

Now what?

Now press and hold the button on the mouse.

Right.

[keys jingling]

B-I-G...

big jugs1.

[upbeat music playing]

[breathing heavily]

Yes.

Without releasing the button, drag it into your USB.

-What's a USB? -What is a US--

[Laurence] There's no trace of her, anywhere.

Will you come with me whilst I have a little conflab with her?

[Rani] Hey, come on!

How many eggs do you have a week?!

But first... Come on... come on!

[Laurence] You see, exactly, exactly, this is the problem...

Stay where you are. I'm coming over.

Okay. Good.

[Rani] Come on!

...and watch this documentary and you will never eat meat again.

Okay!

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Can I get a triple vodka with tonic please?

In fact just hold the tonic...

Of course, I'll just stick it on your tab.

Is that wise? No drink or drugs, remember?

-I need it. -No, you don't.

I can't go out there sober.

I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't act, I don't do anything!

-I'm like an appendix. -[Greg] It doesn't matter.

They just wanna stare at you and take pictures.

Like an accident on the motorway.

-Really? -[Greg] Yeah!

Just think of yourself as a family of four

who have had a head on collision with an 18-wheeler.

Yeah, good. This is... this is making me feel better.

Keep talking.

They've cut out mum and the kids,

but it doesn't look like dad's gonna make it...

Thank you.

-[scattered booing] -[slow, rhythmic clapping]

[clapping increases tempo]

[cheers and applauses]

[indistinct chatter]

What's up darlings?!

[cheers]

How are we all tonight?

Who wants some free shit?

You can shout a bit louder, who wants some free shit?

[cheers]

-[acoustic music playing] -[dialogue muted]

It's gonna take hours to text all the numbers we've got.

[Rani] No it won't. We can automate an SMS mail-out from this laptop.

I did a quick Google search

and found some open-source robo-text software.

What did she just say?

So, what's our message gonna be?

“Oh, hi there, we've got some lovely cocaine for sale”?

-We need code words. -What about um... "grown up sweeties"?

Well that just sounds paedo-y, doesn't it?

We need a euphemism that appeals to middle class users

who get the cocaine out at dinner parties.

Columbian After Eights.

Throw in the words “fairtrade” and “organic”.

No can do.

If you call a product organic

when it hasn't been certified by an official body,

-you're actually breaking the law. -Oh, right!

Because we don't want our cocaine breaking the law.

[Myrna] This is never gonna work.

What, we're just gonna send out spam and hope that someone replies?

Listen, flyers, cold-calling,

you're looking at a two-to-three percent success rate.

What about referrals?

40 to 50%.

Okay so we just need a few bites to get word of mouth going.

And what if we accidentally message a policeman?

Well, no policeman is making extra work for themselves

by chasing down an anonymous text.

Well, what if we accidentally message a do-gooder

who then notifies a policeman.

[John] Myrns, do you notify a policeman

every time you get spam email from some Nigerian Prince?

-Don't... -And we're using burner phones

so they won't be able to trace it back to us, but...

-Coffee. -I'd love a coffee mate. Thanks.

No. As our code words.

Flat white for coke. Espresso for crack.

Single shot, double shot... how many bags you want?

-Sounds good. -Yeah, sounds good.

That's a good idea, yeah.

[keyboard clacking]

Godspeed.

[tense music playing]

Shall we order some extra coffees?

Yeah, good shout.

[phone rings]

Oh! Shit the bed.

[phone rings]

What's your need?

[man] This message... is it what I think it is?

It is.

[man] How do I know you're not police?

Well, unless you're planning on buying a couple of kilos,

the police aren't interested in you.

[man] Fair enough.

Two flat whites and a double espresso please.

Where are you at?

[man] Makepeace Avenue.

Someone will be along shortly.

-Tell your friends. -[man] Uh, okay.

Goodbye.

Yes. [chuckles]

[dramatic music playing]

[phone ringing]

[Christian] Hello?

Yeah, what do you want?

[Rani] ...where are you at?

[Greg] What coffee's do you require?

[sighs]

[metal door bangs]

[man screaming]

[Christian] Where are you?

-[Rani] Where are you at? -[Myrna] Where are you?

[John] Where are you?

[Greg] Yeah. What are you wearing?

I don't mean that in a sexy way.

We just need, you know,

what are you wearing so we can identify you.

[John] Okay, one second, just I'll be with you in about fifteen.

Okay, great.

-[overlapping chatter] -[phones ringing]

It gets you buzzed up.

Oh, shit.

-[John] Spread the word, okay? -[Rani] Yeah.

[tense music playing]

[theme music playing]