Original subtitles

[Diane] You'll repay your debt to society

by working a number of hours mandated by the court.

[Frank] We found it, we're entitled to it.

Are you citing the legal precedent, Finders Keeper, Losers Weepers?

[tyres screeching]

[sighs]

Don't worry, ma'am. I've got eyes in the back of my head.

I have this cupboard in my office.

I call it the Cupboard of Chaos.

[Spencer] I gave your cupboard a little spring clean.

You pissed my company down the drain!

I didn't piss anything, okay! I'm saving it!

I love you, Dad.

I spent 18 months in a prison cell.

I'm not spending my last few years

in another one!

[Myrna] PC Colin Denison died in that fire.

The guilt won't go away.

[tense music playing]

[gun cocks]

[The Dean] Find my money and whoever took it

because now, I have to kill either them or you.

Just to make a point.

[theme music playing]

[Rani breathes heavily]

[car revving]

[Rani breathing heavily]

[knocks on door]

[door creaks open]

I'm in trouble.

I need your help.

Please.

[Christian] Esme.

We've got something to tell you.

Oh, my God. Did you get her pregnant?

-No. -No, no.

-[Christian] We're friends. -[Rani] Yeah, pals.

Anyway, um, Rani's going to be staying with us for a bit.

Are the feds after you?

No, I...

I just got into a massive fight with my parents.

I told them I didn't want to go to Oxford and I left.

Oh. So, your first thought was to come here

because we've got so much space?

Come on, Es. We owe her.

Maybe, but she's not having my bed.

Don't worry, you can-- you can take my bed...

No, no, I-I can't throw you out of your own bed.

Or you two could share.

-[laughs] -No.

-No, I'm gonna stay in here. -No.

-Right. Uh, make yourself comfy. -[Rani] Mm-hm.

I'm making food. Do you want some?

Love some.

I see you.

Sorry, you "see me?"

[Esme] Trying to get in my brother's Ninja Turtle boxers.

[whispers] I'm not trying to get into your brother's anything!

I left home, Es.

-[Christian] Hey, Ran. -[Rani] Yep.

-Are you ready to try this, yeah? -Oh, God.

-It's my grandma's recipe. -Okay.

-Are you ready? -Yeah.

-Oh, my God, -[Rani] Oh, my God that's amazing.

-[Christian] Yeah? -Mm-mm!

-You sure? -Yeah.

God, you should open a restaurant or something.

-That is so yummy. -Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe, you should eat in one first.

I've eaten in restaurants.

Only ones with photos on the menu.

Ain't you got something else to be doing?

"Oh, that's amazing.

You should open a restaurant."

I didn't say it like that.

-You definitely said it like that. -No, I didn't.

-You did. -I didn't.

-[Esme] You did. -[Rani] No, I didn't.

-[Esme] You did. -[Rani] No.

[dramatic music playing]

[doorbell dings]

[woman] Hello, Your Ladyship.

We're here to film the commercial.

For social media.

I thought that was on Wednesday.

[woman] It is Wednesday.

Okay.

[door closes]

[man coughing]

What?

It was someone's birthday.

Steve, sorry. Um, this is Lesley.

-I know you spoke on the phone. -Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music playing]

[objects clattering]

[door clicks]

[Tom] Do you think I'm stupid enough to hide the money in my bedroom, Frank?

I mean, come on. Would you do that?

You made your point, Tommy, but let's stop playing.

What's a teenage boy going to spend all that money on?

Pornography?

Why would I pay for porn?

It's free on the internet.

It is?

You shouldn't have hidden the money back in the attic, Frank.

It was lazy.

So, to teach you a lesson,

I'm going to use it to pay off mum's mortgage.

You know, you can't just walk into your mom's bank and hand it over.

You have to wash it first.

What, like, clean off the fingerprints?

You must've heard of washing money, laundering money

to make it look like you earned it legitimately.

What do they teach you at that school?

How do you wash money?

Smurfing, offshore shell companies.

-Casinos are good. -And why?

You walk into a casino,

you buy chips with the cash,

you play for a while, you cash in the chips.

you get paid by cheque.

Now, your money looks like legitimate winnings.

-[Tom] Fine, I'll take it to a casino. -Great.

You just have to wait 'til you turn eighteen in two years' time.

Or we could split the money fairly.

Say 80-20.

You're not getting the money back.

But, uh, here's your plane ticket to Rio.

We both know you don't love mum,

you don't love me or Holly.

Your tag comes off tomorrow so...

take it and go.

[Gabby] I loved making my own fizzy drinks as a kid

and this new deluxe at-home soda maker

takes me right back to being just eight years old.

Just choose the flavour of your choice...

[soda maker hisses]

and voila.

Oh, fizzy cunt!

Stop!

Was that okay, darling?

Um, I'm not sure the client will be totally happy

with you calling their product the c-word.

Do you want to call and check?

Could we just go one more time?

Really?

[sighs]

This new deluxe at-home soda maker

takes me right back to being eight years old.

Mm, delicious!

-I think we got it. -[woman] Oh, we did,

but there was a naked man in the shot.

So, could we just go again?

-No, that was a really good one. -[woman] Yeah, it was,

but, uh, I'm not sure the client will be happy

with a commercial aimed at kids

featuring an actual man's penis.

We'll just take it out with GCI.

We don't have the budget for CGI.

This is for Instagram.

-One more time, please. -[Gabby] I mean,

who even buys these things?

Who has ever drunk a can of Coke

and thought, "Oh, yeah, I like that but,

damn I wish I was more involved in the manufacturing process."

One more time for luck?

[Gabby] I loved making my own fizzy drinks as a kid

and this new deluxe at-home soda maker

takes me right back to being six years old.

The year my mother killed herself.

Get in, you bastard!

I think you've got it in the wrong way.

-[thudding] -[Gabby grunts]

[sighs] I think we've got it.

[Lesley] From my analysis,

your production model is the weak link.

It's old fashioned.

Now, I've identified ways to ramp up profitability

but it will involve a radical overhaul

of how things are done here.

How things are done here

is how they've been done for 40 years.

[Lesley] Your son tells me he's negotiated a possible partnership

with a competitor, uh, Hilgard Auto Frictions.

My son knows I'll be six foot under

before I do any business with Graham Hilgard.

Given the state of your finances,

it's an idea that needs serious consideration.

[sighs]

Lesley, is it?

Can I speak privately with my son for a moment?

[dramatic music playing]

Trouble-shooters, huh?

Another one of your master plans.

Like taking stolen money.

She's a business enhancement specialist, dad.

And she says that a company like ours

that isn't progressing is regressing.

She's right.

There is a weak link here.

[sighs]

But it's not the production model.

[dramatic music playing]

[Gabby] They're refusing to pay me for the advert.

Oh, yes, because as Brand Ambassador, your contract states

that you will refrain from offensive remarks or conduct.

-I did. -You smashed up their soda maker

-and then called it a cunt. -[Gabby] It was faulty.

-[Anna-Marie] Hold the lift, please! -[machine beeps]

That's the lady I told you about.

-The one that you like? -Yeah, what do I do?

Be yourself.

[sighs]

-Thanks, Greg. -Oh, no problem, Anne-Marie.

Which floor?

We work on the same floor.

[both chuckles]

[Greg] Good for you for cycling to work. It's very healthy.

No, no, it's a bad idea.

I'm sweating so much, I need another shower now.

Oh. Well, yeah. You don't want to get a yeast infection.

No.

[sighs]

I just mean from wearing just the same sweaty clothes all day.

You know, can create humid crotch conditions.

Leading to a build-up of fungus

in your vaginal cavity.

[lift bell dings]

-See you later. -See you later!

Smooth.

Really smooth.

[Spencer] Ah, thanking you, Greg-a-leg-a-ding-dong.

That's so sweet.

You collect his dry cleaning for him?

Yeah, we have a little quid pro quo. He scratches my back

-and I don't send him to prison. -[Greg] He's a joker.

-Ignore him. -Come on then, Greg,

-when are you gonna ask Anne-Marie out? -Shh!

[Spencer] Anne-Marie? You absolute horn dog!

I'm not asking anybody out, all right? It's against company policy.

[Gabby] I don't care, Greg, I can smell office romance!

[Spencer] Er, no, you can smell Greg's aftershave

"Lonely" by Paco Rabanne.

[Gabby] Hey, I think it's romantic

that a woman you work with might be your next wife.

No, no, his next wife is a Latvian conman

posing as a swimwear model. [laughs]

What about the commercial, all right?

-You need a payday. -Let's sue them.

You can't afford to sue them, all right?

Your father's frozen your allowance.

What? Since when?

Since you ruined his lawn with your car.

Oh, for God's sake! It's only grass, it will grow back.

The Bank of Daddy is closed, Your Ladyship, all right?

-You need to cut down on your outgoings. -Why?

Why? 'Cos you're spending like a crazy person!

Look at this, bar bills, restaurant bills.

You've been buying clothes and bags

and a Tempur-Pedic cat bed!

A Gucci skateboard.

You've bought two wetsuits?

One of them is formal.

Six grand on Uber Eats?

For a year, that's fine.

That was August!

Five hundred and eighty pounds on tarot readings?

[Gabby] I am not cutting out Madame Orion.

She sees things.

Has she seen that you'll be bankrupt by Christmas?

No, she bloody hasn't.

All right, fine, ditch the bitch,

and I'll try and cut back on my spending.

But, meanwhile...

what's your next move?

[Spencer] To the kitchen, to make me tea and toast!

Oh, and spread the jam right to the edges this time.

[Gabby] I can't believe he does that for you.

What a sweet guy.

Isn't he.

-This is called a beep test. -[object beeps]

[Diane] It is used to test the aerobic capacity

of trainee PCSO's like myself.

What's a PCSO?

A Police Community Support Officer.

Uniformed civilians.

Like a supply teacher, but with less authority and respect.

Not true! We provide a reassuring presence on the street

and tackle the scourge of anti-social behaviour,

working alongside the police.

The real police.

-[Frank] Can you arrest someone? -No.

Can you carry handcuffs?

[Diane] No.

-Can you investigate a crime? -No.

Can you taser someone if...

Look! If you've got questions, Google 'em.

-[object beeps] -Oh, shit!

You're barely out of short trousers.

Where does a teenager hide something

they don't want a parent to find.

Well, my mum's an addict, so she was the one hiding stuff from me.

First time I stole anything,

I was so paranoid my parents would find out.

I didn't even bring it home.

So, where'd you stash it?

My locker, at school.

Oh! Hmm.

Notice how the beeps...

-are getting closer and closer together... -[object beeps]

but my pace has not slowed.

-[yelps] -[object beeps]

So do I need to be buying a hat?

Do you need a hat?

I mean, for your wedding.

[laughs nervously] What! No!

-We're just friends. -Who are living together!

[Diane] What!

-As lovers? -No.

As roommates! It's temporary.

Yeah, well my mum

moved to her boyfriend in temporarily, so she said

Trevor has been stinking out

the bathroom for months now.

-[yelps] -[object beeps]

Right.

Who wants a go at the beep test?

-No, I'm fine. -No, I'm good to beep testing, thank you.

[Diane] All right, fine.

Good luck with all your heart disease.

[blows whistle]

Okay. Back to it.

You still all have lots of hours to work off.

[sighs]

Oi, you two.

Come here.

So, as trainee PSCO,

that business with your sister

is the last time I turn any more blind eyes.

Any more trouble from the two of you,

and it's no more Mrs Nice Guy.

If you feel yourself being pulled to the dark side,

talk to me. Yeah?

Believe it or not,

I used to be a bad girl with a hot boyfriend like you.

He's not my boyfriend.

Massimo was the hottest boy in school.

Everyone was jealous.

They were like, "Diane,

how did you bag that smoking hot piece of tail?"

Three words: Charisma And Cider.

Massimo had a mantra,

"Live fast, die young,

leave a good looking corpse."

Which he did.

-Massimo died? -[Diane] Yeah.

He was driving a stolen car,

being chased by police,

crashed into a building site.

Scaffolding pole went right through his brain.

To be honest, he did not leave a good looking corpse.

But that woke me up

and I turned my life around 360 degrees.

Doesn't that leave you where you started?

[Diane] No. Not me.

I'm paying it forward,

giving you both a second chance, yeah?

So the rest of your life

starts right here...

right now.

Yeah?

Right after you pick up that dog shit.

[car revving]

[suspenseful music playing]

[mimics gunshots]

-[mimics grenade sound] -Greg, what you doing?

He's threatening to kill us.

I thought he was flirting.

Do you reckon he was after that money?

What money?

[suspenseful music playing]

[Christian] When I stole the line,

I also stole some money.

[Rani] Why didn't you tell me this?

The less you know the less you are involved.

[whispers] I was chased by men...

[normal voice] ...with machetes. I'm already involved.

Wait. You stole the money?

-I thought it was yours. -Why would I have that much money?

Because you're a drug dealer?

[Myrna] Why is he automatically a drug dealer?

-What, because he's black? -[John] Because he had...

[whispers] ...a hundreds of thousands of pounds in a bag.

Plus he threatened me, right?

With a real gun, not just with his fingers.

Look, I'm not saying he's not a criminal

but why does he have to be a drug dealer?

Why can't he be doing tax evasion or art fraud?

Hmm.

You've been painting fake Vermeers, have you?

[Rani speaking quietly] Where did you get hundreds of thousands of pounds from?

A drug dealer.

-[gasps] -You fucking fuck!

[Greg] You stole money from a drug dealer and now we're gonna wind up in the desert

-digging our own graves? -There are no deserts in England.

Well, then, Minehead Beach.

I told you it was dirty money.

You still took it though, didn't ya?

You took it?

Not just me, them too.

So, just return the money then.

-[Myrna sighs] -[Rani] What?

[whispers] We, uh-- we spent it.

[Rani] You've already spent

hundreds of thousands of pounds?

[Frank] I didn't.

Okay, at least one of us isn't a total idiot.

My grandson stole my cut.

I withdraw my last remark.

Did you spend yours, too?

They didn't give me any money.

They just blackmailed me into washing it for them.

What does that mean? Is that getting the fingerprints off?

It means you launder it,

so it looks like it was earned legally.

Don't kids in Britain learn this stuff?

I can't believe I'm the only person who didn't know about this.

You're not the only one.

Hey guys, what are we talking about?

Laundry.

Cool! So...

I don't know how familiar you guys

are of the movement of the Sun,

but tomorrow night is the Solstice!

So, I am heading to Ergo

and I want you all there.

-Okay, Diane is in. -Not to be missed, then.

Drinks are on me, no excuses! Come on!

Let's get ancient.

What are we going to do?

We could pop down for one drink.

Not the club, the drug dealer!

Have you heard of a con

called The Sasquatch Patsy?

-No. -What do they teach in your schools?

[object beeps]

[Diane panting]

[upbeat music playing]

[pounding]

[scraping]

[upbeat music playing]

My keys are gone!

[Margaret] Have you looked in your bag?

[Tom] They're not in there.

-[Frank] My man. -[Margaret] What about your pockets?

Why are things always in the last place you look?

[girl] Thank you!

Because you stop looking after you find them.

Grampa is gonna take you to school today so just give me a hug or don't.

Learn lots!

-Bye! -Bye.

Bye. Thank you.

Learn lots!

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music playing]

Lesley, did we arrange a meeting?

Please sit down, Mr Halloran.

[indistinct conversation]

Goodbye, Grandpa!

Have a wonderful day.

[upbeat music playing]

[bell rings]

[door closes]

[Lesley] Your father has decided

that Halloran and Son will sell a minority share to Hilgard Auto Friction.

[John] Well, hallelujah! You've finally seen the light, Dad.

[Lesley] Your father will remain as CEO but there will be

some workforce optimisation.

I'm here to tell you that this is your final day of employment.

What?

What did she say?

Are you firing me?

[Lesley] Your father feels it's in everyone's best interests

for you to step away from Halloran & Son.

Step away from Halloran & Son?

I'm the 'Son'!

-It's vital you don't make this personal. -[John] Is it?!

Okay!

That's fine.

Because I'm also company director, so you can't do this.

[Lesley] The power to remove a director is granted to the majority shareholders

under the company's Articles of Association.

I hired you!

I'm employed by the company.

[sharp inhale]

What's-- what are you doing?

What's goin-- this is crazy.

What are you doing? I'm your son!

You're making this personal.

-Shut up! -Don't raise your voice to a woman.

[John] I'm sorry. Sorry.

[stuttering] I... I...

Why are you doing this?

[slow inhale] I forced you into the family trade.

But you're out of your depth.

I blame myself.

Don't take it personally.

It's just business.

[keys jingling]

[bell ringing]

Sir! Hi!

Um, could I ask you a question?

Yeah?

How do you pay off a mortgage?

[hip-hop music playing]

[Malaki] You put this in the recycling bin?

-[Souljah] Yeah. -How fuckin' dumb are you!

-This can't be recycled. -Bro, it's cardboard.

[Malaki] Marked in grease and cheese.

Did you not watch the YouTube video I pinged out to you about this?

Tramps like you are the reason the planet is dying.

And why you didn't wash my car like I done told you?

Fam, I'm not your P. A.

For real!

A P.A would have initiative and at least one GCSE!

Go put this in the proper bin.

And the door opens inwards so remember to not hit yourself in the face this time.

[knocks on door]

[Malaki] The fuck are you doing 'ere?

[Christian] I'm bringing you a peace offering.

Is it that fat stack of cash you took?

No.

It's him.

Hiya!

It's nice to see ya again.

[Malaki] Why are you bringing this googly eyed plank to my house?

-Bit rude innit? -He's a lawyer.

-[Malaki] I got a lawyer. -Yes, but I suspect your lawyer

probably costs about a hundred and fifty pounds an hour

which means by the time you go to court for having sent him

to do your community service you could be looking at a ten grand bill.

Whereas his services will be free of charge,

if we stop this beef and we start working together.

-And do what? -Get the Dean off our backs.

What's stopping me from taking you to the Dean right now?

Erm, if I could take that one?

If anything happens to either of us, then my associates

will make contact with the Dean and explain to him

how you tried to, um, what was it again?

How you tried to fuck him with his own dick!

Which, uh, I don't imagine he will like. [awkward laugh]

[dramatic music playing]

Guess who's back?

Man, not again!

How do I contact the Dean?

How do I contact him?

You've got a set of balls on you mate I'll tell you that for nothing.

Yeah? Thanks.

Means a lot coming from you.

-[The Dean] Yes. -Someone wants to talk to you.

He's got a gun to my head man!

-[The Dean] Who's this? -Are you the Dean?

-[The Dean] Who wants to know? -The arsehole that stole his money.

[The Dean gently laughs]

-You've got some big balls. -[Christian] Yeah?

So I keep hearing.

[The Dean] You're the worst thing to happen to my business since COVID.

What do you want?

[Christian] I'm just telling you to call off your attack dogs.

[The Dean] Isn't he in on this with you?

Nah, nah. I work alone.

You know. I will find you.

You never heard what happened to a Brook Hill soldier called Spider?

[The Dean] I heard he got heart burn that put him in the hospital.

-Was that you? -[Christian] Amen that was me.

And the same goes for anyone you send that tries to look for me.

But as a show of good faith,

I'm gonna leave your line here.

Yeah?

For you to collect at your own convenience.

-Tell him it's there. Tell him it's there! - Yeah it's there, he's telling the truth.

You'll get no more trouble from me, if I get no more trouble from you.

Do we have a deal?

[The Dean exhales] We do.

[Christian scoffs]

Thank you.

-[Christian] Close your eyes. -What?

-Close your fuckin' eyes! -Wait.

There's no need for you to do this, I haven't done anything wrong,

they just came [indistinct] I didn't ask for it, mate,

come on, I've just got a dog.

Please, man, don't do...

[sharp exhale]

God.

[relieved sigh]

Thank you.

[Tom] You're a free man now Frank.

-[Frank] Yup. -You can leave anytime you want.

Yeah but Grampa is gonna stay right here with us, aren't you Dad?

-That's right. -Forever and ever!

[Margaret] How would you like to spend your first night of freedom, Dad?

Would you like meatloaf?

-That's your favourite, right? -Meatloaf!

That would be wonderful but.

I've been dreaming of sitting in a bar

with a cool glass of beer.

How would you feel if I stepped out and, you know, wet my tonsils?

I'd feel fine, I don't know how to make meatloaf.

-[laughs] -[Frank chuckles]

Goodbye.

[dramatic music playing]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[door opens and closes]

[knocks on door]

[Esmi] Got it!

Mum?

What you doing here.

You forgot Mr Snuggles.

You know you can't sleep without him.

Yes, I can.

So this is where you live now?

Yup.

I thought you were living with a boy.

I'm not living with a boy,

I'm just staying here until...

Until what?

Look, we all said things that we didn't mean,

but your father and I we are willing to draw a line under everything,

so why don't you just come back home,

you can finish your studies, so you can take your place at Oxford.

How many times do I have to say, I don't want to go to Oxford!

But I don't understand why not!

Because it's your dream! It's not my dream, mum.

[Shanthi] So what are you going to do with your life?

You going to go out and get some crappy job

and come home every night to this dump?

This used to be our thing.

Every Friday night, get a takeaway and watch Graham Norton.

Come home.

Thanks for bringing Mr Snuggles.

[sighs]

[door closes]

[sniffs]

[indistinct chatter]

How did it go?

Yeah.

-All good now. -Really?

-Hundred percent. -Thank God.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come in the club.

-Yeah? -Yeah!

It's a Friday night baby! What else am I gonna do?

Stay inside and watch Graham Norton?

[Gabby] Stop the press! You came! Oh hi!

Oh, come on. Let's go in.

Look after her, yeah?

It's her first time in a club.

[dramatic music playing]

[camera shutter clicks]

[upbeat music playing]

[Gabby laughs]

[Diane] You're late! I'm here at 7:00 pm!

People don't normally come to nightclubs that early.

Yeah, so I discovered.

I spent an hour watching them scrape the gum off the dance floor.

Oh, no thank you, I don't drink alcohol.

Why? Is it because you're a Muslim?

I'm not a Muslim.

No?

-Why don't you drink alcohol? -[Rani stuttering]

[Gabby] Babe, no friend of mine is going to their grave

ever not trying champagne.

Drink!

[upbeat music playing]

Mmm. It's like bubbly. [giggles]

That's its nickname.

Thanks, Gabby.

I think I like champagne.

-[Gabby] Woooo! -[laughter]

-[Gabby] G-Dog! -Hello!

-Champagne? -[Greg] Oh, cheers.

[Gabby] Woo!

-Well, cheers everyone! -[all] Cheers!

[upbeat music playing]

[woman] Place your bets.

14, 18, 11.

Hi.

Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music playing]

[Gabby sniffs]

[woman sniffs]

[Gabby] Whoa! No sweetie. Ha!

You've just had your first drink, let's not run before we can walk.

Oh, yeah just, just whatever you want, put it on my tab.

You promised you were gonna cut down on your spending.

They're my friends!

[scoffs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Gabby] Greg? Isn't that your lady from work?

It is, yeah!

-[Gabby] Oh, hello, she's coming over. -What do I do?

Be cool, and say hi.

-Hey, you! -Hi.

[grunts]

That's fine.

What are you doing here?

-Um, hen do. -[laughs] Oh, yeah.

-It's hot in here, isn't it? -It is hot, it is a bit hot, yeah.

I hope it doesn't create humid crotch conditions

that could lead to a build-up of fungus in my vaginal cavity.

Oh! [laughs awkwardly]

Right, yeah, do you remember when we were in the lift

and I was talking about her fanny, or...

Um. Can I ask you something that's, err, sort of embarrassing?

Okay, sure.

Could we get a picture with Lady Gabby?

Oh, yeah, yeah, hang on.

Is it all right if Anne Marie and her friends

have a photo with you please?

Also she probably thinks you and me are dating.

I don't think she does, sweetie.

She probably does, so can you make it clear that we're not an item.

Hi, I'm Gabby, I'm a lesbian.

-Okay. Hello again. -Hi.

So I'm happy to have a picture with you but would you do me a favour in return?

Oh! Yeah sure, w-w-what's that?

Would you go on a date with my platonic friend Greg here?

You don't need to do that, if you don't want.

-Oh. -Come on.

[excited indistinct chatter]

-[woman] Hi, Gabby! -[laughs]

All right, everyone smile!

-[door closes] -[whispered chatter]

Oh, he's here at last.

[Ruth] Where've you been? Everyone's here.

Would you excuse me for just one minute?

[Ruth] Er, I expect he's gone to wash his hands

[nervous laugh]

[door slams]

[car engine starting]

[sighs]

[keys jingling]

[Myrna sighs]

[ominous music playing]

What do I do instead of Oxford?

Like in theory, you know, I can do anything,

but, you know, man is nothing without which he makes himself.

Jean-Paul Sartre.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Spider-man.

Exactly. There's so much I haven't done,

or, experienced.

Don't tell anyone but I'm still a virgin.

Understood.

No, no, no. I don't need one of those.

Yeah, I used to have that attitude, and then I got super gonorrhoea.

Front and back.

No, I mean I'm not having sex tonight.

Oh. Why? Cause you're Muslim.

-I'm not a Muslim. -[Diane] No?

Well, what are you waiting for then?

I don't know.

[Diane] Well, a lot of guys here!

Any of them making your fanny fairies flutter?

[man laughing]

Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. -He's kinda cute.

-Yeah? -[man] Yeah, not bad. Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

[Diane whistles]

Do you like sexual intercourse with women?

[man] Yeah.

Good. I wanna notify you,

that we are both available sexually, okay!

I don't do tea bagging, golden showers, or reverse anal,

but anything else is up for grabs.

My friend here, however, is new to the market

so I want her to be treated with care and respect, all right?

And I've got the direct line to Detective Sargent Lucy Haines

of the Bristol and Avon Constabulary,

so any funny business...

any funny business,

and you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Understood?

-Understood? -[man] Yes, Ma'am.

Good. We'll be sat here if you wanna get some.

Go.

[upbeat music playing]

[Greg] Didn't picture you two as club rats.

-Just need to get out of the house. -Just needed to get out of my flat.

-Thank you. -Gabby, can throw these on your tab.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead. -Perfect.

Brilliant. Um, can we have two more of those?

[Greg] Do you know all of these people you're buying drinks for?

Greg, I've told you, they're my friends.

What's his name?

[Gabby] James. No. Jason.

Jeremy?

Definitely begins with a J. Julian! His name's Julian.

-Excuse me mate, what's your name? -Roy.

What's your point?

Is it possible that they're not your actual friends?

Why are they here then?

Because they're moochers.

Sucking on the Gabby teat.

If any of my friends are sucking on my teats,

it's you, Mr a-hundred-and-fifty-pounds-an-hour.

But I'm not your friend, I'm your lawyer. It's different.

-You're not my friend? -Oh, no.

Of course I'm your friend, it's just...

[Gabby] I was fixing you up with Anne-Marie

because I thought you were my friend.

I don't normally help my employees get laid.

Well, I didn't ask you to do that.

Well, let's make a cost-saving now shall we, you're fired!

-Gabby, come on... -[Gabby] One less mooch

sucking on my teat.

Happy now?

-You're not serious? -Deadly serious!

Go on, get out of here, mooch!

I don't need your money!

Go on, mooch, thank you and good night.

[upbeat music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

Shit!

[upbeat music playing]

How'd it go?

Yeah, I did what you said and he seemed to buy it.

Will it work?

Sasquatch Patsy never fails.

Going somewhere?

[hushed] I'm on the early flight to Rio... huh, de Janeiro.

-Oh, you're leaving? -Yup!

Got a few hours to kill,

then cabbing direct to Heathrow Airport.

Could you let me know when my ride arrives?

Ah, sure.

One more favour?

Deliver this to my daughter.

What is that?

It's a thousand pounds, eh.

Fifty for your trouble.

[sighs] I mean, you coulda given that to her yourself before you left.

I prefer what they call the Dignitas farewell.

Slip away, no fuss.

It's none of my business but, if you take off without saying goodbye,

aren't you worried your daughter's gonna hate you for it?

Yeah, you're right.

It's none of your business. [laughs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Gabby] Frank! You made it!

[Rani] Hi! Come and dance with me!

-Are you drunk? -Yeah, and I love it.

Gabs, I told you to look after her. She's wasted.

Didn't you hear her? She loves it!

I love it!

Oh.

[upbeat music playing]

Diane!

[laughs]

-Look at you, Diane! -[cheering, laughing]

[Gabby] Yeah.

[waitress] Uh, can you settle up the rest of your tab?

[Gabby] Yeah, sure, hang on.

Thank you.

[waitress] Oh, it's been declined.

[waitress] It didn't work either.

Er, guys... [nervous laugh] I think my dad has cancelled my credit cards,

has anyone got any money?

-[woman] Oh, sorry, babe. -No.

-[woman] No. -[woman] No. Sorry.

[hushed] Fuck.

Shit. My dad is such an arsehole.

Lemme get this.

-[waitress] Thank you. -Oh, Frank, you absolute angel!

Thank you.

God, I wish you were my dad,

who leaves their own daughter high and dry at 1:00 in the morning!

Come on.

Dick.

[dramatic music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Which one is ours?

-This way. Come on. -Ooh. Okay.

This way. Go on.

I'm focused on the car.

[Diane] Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's all right! No need to argue.

We're all gonna get a turn.

You can rock-paper-scissors for who goes first, all right?

And we need a safe word, yeah?

[indistinct chatter]

[cabbie] I've got you down for Heathrow Airport.

Is that right, mate?

Mate?

Where do you want to go?

Whoa.

Kind sir, all right. I really do like you.

-Relax. -[Rani] Woo! um, gosh.

[chuckles]

I think you should be going to sleep alone, Rani.

[Rani] I don't think so.

I think we should sleep together.

[inhales] Goodnight, Rani.

Look! So much room.

Come back.

[exhales]

[dramatic music playing]

[Gabby screams] Dad!

You utter scumbucket piece of shit,

wanker, bastard, arsehole! Shit!

[screams]

[dramatic music playing]

[Tom] Where's the money, Frank?

I know you found it. What have you done with it?

[tense music playing]

[sighs]

[light switch clicks]

[Margaret] Dad, are you just getting home?

Margie, I'm sorry. I lost track of time.

[Margaret] Well, I'll be honest. I did, erm,

start worrying that you'd left us again. [chuckles]

No! Margie, I'm here for the long haul.

In fact, around here it's about time I contributed.

How about I start by paying off your mortgage?

[laughs] Sorry that is-- that's really sweet

but, I mean, you can't even pay a parking ticket!

Yeah?

[dramatic music playing]

Where did you get all this money?

For once in my life, I'm gonna come clean.

I won it! At the casino.

[upbeat music playing]

Frank.

[upbeat music playing]

-You're drunk. -No, I'm not.

That's what drunk people say.

No, I'm sober.

[whispers] Promise.

[slow music playing]

Is that Raphael or Donatello?

Yeah, that's my guy Donnie.

From Ninja Turtles.

-[laughs] What? -Okay.

[laughs] What's-- what? Don't judge me!

-All right. It's all good. -You know they wavy.

Yup! Very wavy.

Wait.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yes.

[laughs] Where'd you get that?

Diane.

[scoffs] Please don't talk about Diane right now.

[man] ♪ You know I'm happy to be your friend ♪

♪ 'Til the leaves or the stars descend ♪

♪ But I'm there, I'm here ♪

♪ And I'm 16, standing holding two cans of beer... ♪

Ugh. So my dad has changed all the locks,

and I don't have anywhere to sleep tonight

and look I know you've got that spare room...

No, I did not nearly burn down the flat last time.

I lit some tea candles then went to Ibiza.

Hi, is this Izzy's phone?

Oh, my God, why is she in hospital?

Gallstones?

[laughs] So you're saying that you're not happy sharing your flat

but you are happy sharing my cocaine all night?

So, if Izzy's in hospital, does that mean her flat's empty tonight?

Hey, you. It's Gabby Penrose-Howe,

we slept together on New Year's Eve.

Listen, look I know I said I'd call and I didn't but I'm calling now.

Fancy sleeping together again tonight?

Give me a call when you get this. Ciao.

Hi, this is Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe, we met at the club earlier.

I don't suppose you've got a sofa

or anything that I can crash on tonight?

Oh, no, I got your name from the receipt,

yeah, it's just under suggested gratuity

which you may recall I did give you in full, in cash.

[sniffs]

[sighs]

[Christian] You okay?

Yeah. Now I'm a woman of the world.

[laughter]

You're wondering what all the fuss was about?

Actually, I'm thinking it was worth waiting for.

[whispers] Thank you for being so...

No, thank you.

[knocks on door]

Come on.

[Christian] Esme? What are you doing out so late?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Esme? It's 4:00...

[suspenseful music playing]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[knocks on door]

Hi.

[Gabby] You were right.

I have no real friends.

[sighs]

I don't have anywhere else to go.

You better come in then.

Thank you.

I've had a gun pointed in my face twice, yeah?

Well, not again! [sniffs]

I wanna get clean, man.

I want you to put me in rehab and witness protection.

Tell us what you know.

I ain't saying nothin' until I get full immunity, and rehoused,

and I wanna go somewhere nice, you know, in the countryside,

with fields and cows and shit.

We can't ask my boss for fields and cows and shit unless you give us something.

Like the men who were serving up from your house.

[mumbles incoherently]

[tense music playing]

[footsteps approaching]

[man] Have you heard of someone called "The Dean"?

Oh, bloody hell, I thought you was detectives.

Hey!

Tell us about The Dean.

[man] The Dean runs county lines into Bristol.

For years, he's been grooming local kids to work for him.

From what I've heard, he was savage.

And I mean proper psycho.

Tea, anyone?

You're Ben, nightclub doorman.

And you're Rani,

brainbox with a scholarship to Oxford,

I know who you are.

And where you live. I know everything about you.

Do you know who I am?

No?

I'm the person you stole an impossible amount of money from.

[laughs] And somehow you assumed I wouldn't find out!

We never stole anything.

He's right.

Well, instead of me accusing you and then you denying,

why don't I bring my star witness to the stand?

[Malaki] What you do-- you sold me out, you prick!

What did you expect?

You treat me like dirt.

You show man no respect.

Is this about the pizza box?

I told you you can't recycle them when they're dirty, bruv.

[Souljah] It's not just that, bro. You're small fry.

There's no career progression with you.

-I've hit a ceiling. -[Malaki] Yeah?

You hit a ceiling with your head

when you flew out your mum's gaping vagina!

That's why you're so fuckin' dumb!

[The Dean] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, relax.

All right?

Take a seat, sit down.

[rustling]

Put your feet up.

Biscuit?

I... hate... thieves. Do you know why?

Because they're lazy.

A businessman like myself works hard for years, building a nest egg,

and then some wanker,

who'd rather sit on his arse than do a decent days work,

thinks he can just breeze in and take it all.

Hmm?

The only thing I hate more than thieves...

are snitches.

Snitches are like whores,

they'll open their mouths to anyone for the right price.

-[crushes] -[groans, screaming]

-You broke my leg, man! -Yeah, I know.

Oh, you broke my fucking leg!

[The Dean] I know!

[Souljah] I need a hospital, man.

[The Dean] Yeah. Mile End hospital is a 20-minute walk.

[Souljah] How am I meant to walk with a broken leg?

Very slowly, I imagine.

Fuck off, snitch!

[Souljah continue screaming]

[The Dean] Now, just so there are no surprises,

let me just make myself very, very clear.

One of you is not leaving here alive.

[Malaki] Ain't no need for all that, bro.

There is a need for that, bro,

'cause I need to set a fucking example.

Stop! We'll give you the money back!

-We'll pay the money back. -Too late for that.

Please! We'll pay it back and more.

-[The Dean] More? More? -[Rani] Please. Wait.

Please, just you can't kill him. Please!

No. Not interested.

-[Rani] We'll... -[The Dean] What?

We'll wash it for you.

-Wash it! -[Rani] Wash it.

[The Dean] How are you gonna do that!

[Rani] I, erm, know someone. A dodgy lawyer.

-[The Dean] A dodgy lawyer? -[Rani] Please!

Have you soiled yourself 'cause I smell bullshit?

[crying] No, it's not bullshit. Please.

Please! Give us, er, eight weeks.

[The Dean] Eight weeks!

How are you going to make that kind of bread in eight weeks?

[calmly] Because I'm a brainbox with a scholarship to Oxford.

[suspenseful music playing]

[choking]

[gasping]

[coughing]

[The Dean] Gingernut?

[guitar music playing]

[man singing] ♪ She twines her spines up ♪

♪ Slowly towards the boiling sun ♪

♪ And when I touched her skin ♪

♪ My fingers ran with blood ♪