Original subtitles

- Waiter! - Belinda, don't make a scene.

I ordered the fillet well done and it's practically raw. Waiter!

Don't shout.

I will not eat meat that is still moving.

You're exaggerating.

I've seen cows hurt worse than this get better!

What is that idiot waiter doing? Waiter!

What do you have to do to get some service around here?

People in restaurants always look shocked

when somebody shouts or yells.

I enjoy it. It adds a zest to living.

However, I am not enjoying the spectacle of Belinda Dean

behaving like a spoiled brat.

Because in one month's time,

she's going to marry one of my oldest friends, jack Easton.

Now, jack, he knows there is a cure for what ails Belinda.

But poor jack, he loves her too much to hit her.

- Me? I don't love her at all.

The feeling is mutual. Excuse me.

If you can't understand English, find somebody who can.

I just want a simple, properly cooked, hot, well-done fillet mignon!

Bring me some chicken salad.

Well, look who's here.

Hello, Belinda. Glad to see me?

Delighted. This is my aunt. Aunt Joan.

How do you do?

How do you do? You didn't mention the gentleman's name.

I didn't think I had to. He's Jack's best man.

Simon Templar.

Well, I'll have to hurry.

- Aunt Joan, you're not serious? - Very.

- Belinda, go and have your bath. - I didn't mean to be nasty. Honest.

You never mean to be, you just are.

Aunt Joan, you haven't been mad at me for more than two hours in your life.

My dear, you're my sister's only daughter and I love you very much.

But I think you're hopelessly spoiled and terribly immature.

That display of temper at lunch today was unforgivable.

So was the steak.

- Where are you going? - Home.

I know I promised your mother I'd stay with you until the wedding.

But it's only a week until you meet jack in Tormes,

and frankly, I don't think I can take another week like the last one.

Well, don't. I can take care of myself.

- How about jack? - jack won't complain.

You think marriage is going to be one perpetual round

of fun and dancing and parties.

It won't be, dear. No marriage ever is.

There'll be times when you'll be tested.

I hope you come through.

For heaven's sake, go. I couldn't care less.

Then go and have your bath.

Come in.

Hello, Simon. I'm sorry to bother you...

Any fiancée of jack Easton's is a pal of mine. What's wrong?

I've been robbed.

- Robbed? Of what? - Everything.

Passport, money, jewellery, the lot.

To crown it all, Aunt Joan threw a fit yesterday and went home.

She left yesterday and today you find everything stolen.

Do you suppose there's a connection?

She's my aunt. Anyhow, she's even richer than I am.

I see. So here you are in a foreign land

without a passport or visible means, at the mercy of fate.

Jack gets in to Tormes in ten days.

But it's 100 miles down the coast and I haven't even got bus fare.

Try the bank.

They won't do anything without a passport.

They wouldn't even let me phone. They must think I'm a con artist.

There's the American Consul. It's your last hope, I guess.

They may be able to give you temporary papers.

Yes, but what if they can't?

If they can't, you still have two choices.

- You can either take up residence... - Live here?

Or you can go to the station,

lie on the tracks and wait with resignation for the express.

Suppose we cut out the persiflage and get down to business?

- What did you have in mind? - (Ian you lend me $500?

- No. - Why not?

- I haven't got it. - You're a liar.

Do you always try to borrow with such a degree of charm?

Come on, Simon, $500. I'll give it you back in two weeks' time.

I honestly haven't got it.

Like all of Jack's friends, you don't want me to marry him.

- You'd do anything to stop me! - You wound me deeply.

It's my duty to see everything goes perfectly with the wedding.

After all, I am Jack's best man.

Oh, no. At my wedding, I pick the best man and you're not it.

Not he.

Psst.

- Psst. Mr Templar. - Miss West. I thought you'd gone.

I couldn't. Not until I found out how things were going.

- Did you do it? - Mm-hm.

Everything?

Money, passport, traveller's cheques, jewellery, the works.

Oh, dear. How's she taking it?

About as expected. She's off to see the American Consul.

I had a chat with him myself this morning.

I hope we're doing the right thing.

- Of course we are. - You will look after her?

I'll look after her.

I promised I'd stay with her.

Her mother would never forgive me if she knew what I was letting you do.

Still, it's really for her own good.

I think so.

You run along to Tormes and have a nice holiday in the sun.

- It's my week to suffer, not yours. - All right. Good luck.

- Thanks, bye. - Goodbye.

- Buenas dl'as. - Buenas dl'as, Sefior Templar.

I'd like to have a little chat about the young lady in room 106.

- Belinda Dean. - The rich American girl.

The fact is, she just borrowed 1,000 pesetas from me,

and said her room had been robbed.

I know. This was most unfortunate.

We are investigating thoroughly, of course.

Funny thing is, I met another fellow

who loaned her 5,000 pesetas three weeks ago in Barcelona.

He said her room was robbed there.

You don't mean that...?

Oh, no. But she's got one of our best rooms.

So she told me. Well, it was just a thought.

Hello, Simon.

I didn't even know we were speaking.

- I changed my mind. - Would you mind not sitting there?

- Unless you feel faint. - Why not?

It's the cover charge. It's double for two.

There goes the brandy.

I wouldn't be here if I wasn't desperate.

Really?

The manager moved in and confiscated my luggage until I pay the bill.

My m)'-

You've got to lend me a few dollars. I'm desperate.

I'd love to. But as I told you, I haven't got it.

But there's ten dollars' worth of food in front of you.

This is my last supper. I'm going on a walking trip.

- Walking trip? - Yes, I've sent my bags to Tormes,

packed a rucksack, paid the bill, and I've got 1,500 pesetas left.

What will I do?

You could walk to Tormes with me.

Me, walk 100 miles?

I can't think of any other way you'll get there.

- Can you? - There are men around with cars.

I'm going to find one who can give me a lift.

Nice girls rarely hitchhike in Spain.

But, Sefiorita...

And take your lousy car with you!

Aaah!

See you later, boy.

I was going to pay for it.

I can buy the factory that makes these things.

Let's not have a song and dance about my stealing it. So long.

Would you like to walk to jail, or will you ride, sefiorita?

Corporal, allow me to buy you a drink to soothe your anger.

I'll punish her for that slap later, believe me.

Si, sefior.

That was bright. That cost us lunch.

- You got a pencil and paper? - Mm-hm. What for?

Just give me a piece of paper, will you?

OK. What did it cost to bail me out?

800 pesetas and 100 for the guard.

Right. That's a signed IOU for 900 pesetas.

That's so I don't have to slobber with gratitude.

You don't have to slobber or pay me back.

- How much money have you got? - 600 pesetas.

Ten bucks. I'll give you 500 bucks for it payable in one week in Tormes.

- It's not for sale. - Come on. What's your price?

- Name it. - We need it to walk to Tormes.

I'm not walking. One thousand.

Five thousand. You may as well get compensation,

you've lost jack as a friend.

- How do you figure that? - If I don't like you, he won't.

Belinda, I'm going to Tormes.

I've been looking forward to this for two years.

100 miles of dirt tracks, pine forests and heather.

An experience all your money won't buy and my ten bucks will just cover.

If you're coming, follow me.

I'm not walking and that's final!

Don't laugh at me, you crumb.

Oh, no!

Simon, I'm sorry. Honestly, I am.

I didn't mean...

You phony.

You sneaky, contemptible...

- Ah-ah. - Let go of me!

Like most people with too much energy and not enough to do,

you've discovered losing your temper gets rid of excess steam.

It's a habit.

I've been seen by the best psychos in the business.

You'll need that.

Before this day is through, your tongue'll be hanging out.

- You'll be lucky to keep up. - I can keep up with you!

I may not have your muscles but I'm hot on a tennis court.

Ambling along a road won't strain me.

We'll see.

I got a blister. I'm not walking another step.

Please yourself. If you don't mind the lizards, snakes and scorpions.

Lizards, snakes and scorpions.

I'll have you know, I majored in zoology, buster.

Hasta la vista.

Lizards, snakes and scorpions!

Simon.

Simon!

- (Ian I give you a hand? - I'm all right.

Come on. Let's not fool around. We've got a long way to go today.

I'll kill him!

Now, watch me and you'll keep your feet dry.

There, there and there. OK?

You can't win all the time.

I'm watching you, daddy-o.

Belinda, not down there. There's...

Come on. Only another three more miles before lunch.

OK, it's the Garden of Eden. Want me to dress for the part?

Here. Try this.

I hate you. Parents, friends, relatives, I hate the lot!

Why didn't you leave me in jail?

I considered it, but you have to pay your board in Spanish jails.

How did you spring me without my passport?

I paid your fine. They were glad to get rid of you.

That is lunch?

Bread, butter, liver sausage and cheese.

All the vitamins and minerals a dietician could want.

Preserves the teeth, massages the gums, aids the digestion.

I'm not hungry. just thirsty.

There's a creek full of water over there.

You trying to poison me?

From the mountain, crystal clear and cold.

- I know about the temperature. - Good for drinking, too.

- Not bad. Thanks. - You're welcome.

Honestly, Simon, I can't walk another inch. Please.

Eat up. Another ten miles to go before dinner.

What do you think I am, a human fly?

It might help if you were.

Come on, Belinda. It's not as tough as it looks.

Oh, yeah?

Jerk

I didn't know I had to be a mountain goat.

Let's take a breather.

If you keep resting, you won't sleep tonight.

Now what's the matter?

That did it. That did it! Now my heel's broken.

Really? What's keeping your toes on?

You have another lesson to learn.

When a girl slaps a man, she's trading on a false sense of chivalry.

Do that again, I'll put you across my knee.

You wouldn't dare.

Touch me and I'll kill you!

I'm warning you. Nobody ever laid a hand on me. You're not gonna start.

I thought this would happen.

These are your size.

Put 'em on. They'll be more comfortable.

It's getting dark.

If we're gonna make the village, we'd better get moving.

I know your type!

Jails are full of them.

- Shh. - What's the matter?

When do we eat?

(Ian we have a drink?

I want a drink, not a concert!

I must apologise. My friend is an ignorant child

- and cannot appreciate an artist. - I will play no more.

So, I'm thirsty.

He's a great artist. People were listening to him.

If he's so great, what's he doing in a hole like this?

Why did he stop because I cried out?

- He's allowed a little temperament. - And I'm not?

Belinda, you only look like an angel. He plays like one.

That takes talent.

Sefior.

Some artist. He's the waiter in this dump.

Correction. I own this dump.

You're welcome to whatever I can provide for your comfort.

You order, Simon.

Apologise or I will personally throw you into the street.

I'm sorry I broke up your concert. Forgive me.

It was nothing. Your graciousness is my compensation. Sefior?

A Fundador and a cup of coffee for the sefiorita.

Would you fix us up with rooms before dinner? I'd like to clean up.

We're not having dinner and we're not staying.

I can't walk another step.

We only have a few hundred yards to go.

Hotels are the same in this kind of place.

We're not staying in an hotel.

- We're sleeping in the woods. - Where?

In the woods. You don't seem to grasp the situation.

At this rate, we'll need another five days to get to Tormes.

You've got money.

I have a newsflash - after having bailed you out of jail,

we are the proud possessors of 512 pesetas.

Staying in a place like this costs 35 to 50 a night.

- And we still have to eat. - This is madness.

Utter, utter madness. It's cold.

I asked you to get some water for the coffee.

I've a feeling you're not reading me.

I heard you, but I'm not a servant.

Neither am I. So you can do your share or go hungry.

Whichever you prefer.

When I tell jack, he's gonna punch you right on the nose.

Good night, Belinda.

Eight o'clock and a lovely morning.

What's the matter?

If jack saw me like this he'd put me in the fright jar.

The bath is on the doorstep. Breakfast in five minutes.

That water will ruin me. I always use cold cream.

Darn. You know I forgot to bring the cold cream.

Amazing how good an egg can taste in the morning.

Let's not get poetic over eggs. I'm not feeling very outdoorsy this a.m.

I'll do the bedrolls, you wash up.

How can I wash dishes without hot water?

Didn't you go to summer camp as a kid?

- Sure. Every year. - Didn't you learn to wash plates?

The camps I went to had people to do that.

I see. I'd better teach you to be one of the people, hadn't I?

Come on.

First, take a handful of dirt.

Scrub the dirt around with a handful of grass.

Rinse...

And dry. There.

You try that.

There are limits to which I will not go.

You've reached them. Anyway, that one's yours. Mine's done.

Hadn't it occurred to you that plates have to be washed?

It hadn't occurred to me

that a man could expect me to put my hands in that.

I thought you might still have some gentlemanly instincts.

- I see. - We all make mistakes.

I explained last night that camp chores have to be split.

- (Ian you make a fire? - I've never tried.

- Then you can't. Cooking? - I wasn't raised in a kitchen.

You can't make a fire and you can't cook.

You can only be useful by fetching water and washing up.

You are unskilled labour.

I didn't know I was any kind of labour.

You are. And if you like eating eggs for breakfast,

you'd better do your share of the cleaning.

Or eat bread and water which involves no washing-up.

Now you're starving me.

I am not running a conducted tour

with a team of cooks and bottle-washers.

This is a matter of a fair division of labour.

We have another five or maybe six days

so you might as well resign yourself to working your passage.

- You understand? - Keep your hands off me!

I could buy five men like you with my monthly allowance.

You tried, it didn't work.

As for working my passage, I don't have to work my passage anywhere!

What do you think I am?

A spoiled brat who could learn a little about work.

You do?

And you have ceased being ornamental.

You look like a charwoman, now start acting like one.

Do I? I've known some stupid jerks in my time,

but you're about the worst...

Let me go!

Let me...

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow. Let go of me!

Let go of me, I hate you.

Olé!

- I'll kill you! - Want some more, huh?

Don't you dare come near. I'll kill you.

Hello. Hello.

Buenas dl'as, sefiorita.

(Ian you take me to Tormes? I'll give you anything. Mucho pesetas.

- Tormes. - Tormes?

Yes, Tormes. You, me, go to Tormes. Me pay mucho pesetas.

You, me, Tormes.

Yes. That's it. We go now.

- Now! - Yes! Yes.

Go now, Tormes. Mucho pesetas.

Oh, we go Tormes in truck.

Yes!

What's so funny?

Oh, no. We go Tormes now. 5l', 5l'. OK.

What's the matter with it?

What's the matter?

Poor Belinda. Life's finally caught up with you. There's no running away.

I thought the rain in Spain stayed mostly on the plains.

- What's the matter? You wet? - I'm a sodden mess.

- Me, too. Why don't we walk on? - And just ignore it, I suppose?

- Why not? - Some day, Simon Templar,

I'll get my revenge. When I do, it'll make the tortures

of the Spanish Inquisition look like kids' stuff.

- Excuse me. - Some gentleman(!)

Got to keep the blankets dry.

If I catch pneumonia tonight...

I'll inform your mother you died bravely. Loudly, but bravely.

When it's wet, how can you sleep outside and not catch something?

You're healthy. You'll be all right.

I believe you washed the frying pan this morning.

Shall I cook your beans in dirt or will you clean it now?

- OK? - Oh, fine.

- Lend me your top. - No.

I can't dry my hair on this, it's filthy.

You should have thought of that before.

You must have taken a course in how to be nasty.

Nobody could be born like this. You must have studied.

Why don't you wash it?

Now I'm supposed to do laundry. There's just no end to this.

Once we've crossed Spain, we could take a crack at Africa.

I'll write a book - "Ten Years on the Darkest Continent with a Sadist."

First floods, then heat.

What's next? An earthquake?

Hey, Belinda! Water!

Water!

- Don't drink too quickly. - Drop dead.

Oh, it's marvellous. Like ice.

Let's drink all of it, huh?

The heck with it!

Ooh, it's delicious. Giving me goose pimples.

It's heavenly!

Cut it out, will you?

Sissy. Simon's afraid of the water.

I guess I had it coming to me.

- Good morning. - Morning.

By the look of you, I'd say you slept last night.

I managed a few minutes now and again, thanks.

We've got enough cheese and bread and eggs to make one good meal.

Shall we have breakfast now and push on or starve now and eat later?

- I caught our breakfast. - Hmm?

Shrimp. Where'd you get 'em?

I suppose you didn't notice, the Mediterranean's over the rise.

I had noticed, but you must swim like a fish.

I'm proficient. They had to teach us something at school besides swearing.

You're a very clever girl.

What was that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Why this morning do you have to work overtime

to keep the smile off your face?

I do feel good. I never felt so good in my life.

I wonder why.

Everything smells so fresh and clean this morning.

The water was like crystal.

Is it because I slept well or have you drugged me?

It's a touch of the outdoor fever. Don't worry, you'll get over it.

I don't want to! I know why you kissed me.

Why?

As a reward for finding breakfast. All men only think of their stomach.

That's a good enough reason.

It was a reward for catching breakfast.

I had to dive ten feet amongst dangerous rocks

and treacherous currents for those shrimp - some reward!

- Truce. Jack's girl. - Truce.

Now that you've done the shopping,

how about cooking breakfast, so I can go for a swim?

With pleasure.

Oh, don't burn the porridge.

Perfect timing!

One order of bread and assorted seafood coming up.

Don't think I can't use it. Smells good.

It's funny, but only the other day I was planning to kill you.

Oh? How?

With that. Short, sharp jab at the base of the scalp.

Your toes would twitch a bit, then curtains.

- Why didn't you do it? - I figured it was too quick for you.

I decided to poison you instead.

Slowly, while acting as your nurse.

Drip, drip into your coffee.

"You'll be all right, dear Simon. I'll look after you."

Drip, drip. A few drops a day.

Now, getting your breakfast gives me a curious pleasure.

- How about washing dishes? - I want to wash dishes.

I want to wash them extra well so you'll notice

- and feel proud of me. - Oh?

You know why I feel that way?

Why, you're in better shape now. You...

- No. - No?

- It wasn't sleeping well either. - No?

Well, it's a nice day.

- Because I'm in love with you. - Belinda.

You're such a man. I love you, I love you.

- Now, Belinda! - I've waited all my life for this.

- But jack... - He's just a child.

Am I the kind of woman who needs a child?

- Jack is my best friend. - And just a child.

I think you're all sorts of things, but not a child.

If we have the courage of our love,

we can face the world and hurt who we must.

- I think you may be right, darling. - Say that again.

Darling.

If you knew how that sings in my heart just to hear your lips.

Darling, darling. I'm sure my wife won't mind.

- She's terribly broadminded... - What?

My wife and the children.

- Belinda, darling... - Your wife AND kids?

Seven of them. They're farming maple syrup in Vermont at the moment.

The youngest is only six, but...

All the same, I had you fooled for a minute, didn't I?

You sure did.

I can be convincing when I'm kidding.

- What are you getting at? - I was looking in that pack

and discovered who stole my passport and jewels.

Oh. So now you know.

I don't mind. I'm flattered.

What did jack ever do to deserve a friend like you?

I was once in a pretty bad spot and he saved my neck.

And now you've saved his.

Let's say you needed a little exercise.

No. It wasn't the exercise or the licking you gave me.

That taming of the shrew stuff's off the beam. Not even the birds.

What really did it was realising you were willing to spend time on me.

I didn't want to travel alone.

Nobody I've ever known, especially my family,

ever bothered spending time on me before.

Money, yes, but...

time's worth a lot more than money, isn't it?

It's all we have.

That's why people get married, to spend time together.

I never thought of it that way before.

Time's what counts because... it's your life.

Keep that in mind.

How about finishing those shrimps before we hit the road?

OK.

And I'll do the washing-up.

The desk says jack checked into his room half an hour ago.

Good. Then we can have one last drink together.

Oh, your belongings.

Your money, passport,

traveller's cheques,

and your jewels, madam.

Thanks.

Now go and call jack on the house phone.

In a minute. I don't want it to end. Our walk, I mean.

I feel I just wasted it all. Acting so silly and stupid.

(Ian you believe how anybody could be so complaining and selfish and...

I was horrible.

You were learning something. That's often very painful.

I don't want to go and phone jack.

But I will, won't I?

Mm-hm.

Why?

Because he's your life. I'm just a walk by the shore.

Bye, Simon.

See you at the wedding.