Original subtitles

Your own partner found a burner phone and secret bank accounts

in your desk, Sergeant.

I have to disclose this.

The Dean's lawyer will pull you apart today.

I've been set up.

Doesn't matter.

Your credibility, your star witness - all tainted now.

How could you let this happen?

You amateur.

Amateur?

No, I don't need to take this shit.

DS Haines.

Sir, I'll go. I'll talk to her.

Good morning.

I'm DCI Monroe, and this is DS Burgess.

RUSTLING Shhh!

Today, we're launching an urgent appeal to find Rani Rakowski.

We want to speak to her on suspicion of the murder of Marshall Smiley,

who was found dead in Lee Woods with both his thumbs cut off.

The suspect was last seen in Weston-super-Mare

and has strong ties to Bristol.

Miss Rakowski is considered a dangerous individual

and should not be approached.

We're asking anyone who has any information

on this to please come forward.

"HOMES UNDER YHE HAMMER" THEME

Mum! I was watching that.

If you're helping Rakowski or you know where she is,

then you are reminded that assisting her can result in a prison sentence

of up to ten years.

We're coming for you.

DS Burgess is heading the... If that fed is dirty like you say,

I'm gonna need some extra help.

Who are you calling?

Please, if anybody has any information, call 999 immediately.

And I'll bring this woman to justice.

Thank you.

That was a live police appeal from Bristol.

Let's go to Thomas with a recap of...

TV SWITCHES OFF

Yo. It's Ben.

I'm with Rani.

Rani, Rani, Rani.

So you're a murderer now?

I thought the worst thing you could do is leave a man

crying on a train.

You were crying?

No.

I heard you were sobbing so loudly they made you leave

the quiet carriage, bruv.

That didn't happen.

Look. Christian, I'm innocent.

So says every criminal I met in prison, Rani.

No, no, no, no, The Dean set me up.

Did you know that he has a corrupt policeman working for him?

Ben and I are getting proof of it today.

I have a plan to make him confess.

Greg's helping.

Will you?

Rani, this is DS Haines.

Where are you?

I...I didn't kill anyone.

Then tell me where you are. We can talk about it.

Rani.

I said no phones.

He's in hiding because he's my key witness.

I need him in court by 2.

Can you get that right?

Let's do this.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Hello there.

Do you mind doing me a favour?

What does that sign say there?

"Loading and unloading only."

Oh, you can read. Unlike your mummy.

What?

Unloading kids doesn't count.

Move on, love.

The school is right here.

I said move on.

Oi!

No motorised vehicles in the park.

Get off! Wheel it! All right.

Give it here.

Oi!

Excuse me, where's Castle Park?

Oh, um. Well, you take the 72 bus and go west onto Queens Road,

cross over the zebra crossing, and then left onto Richmond Hill.

Amazing. Great. Thank you. Thank you. You're very welcome.

Oh, what nice boys.

Have a great day now.

Myrns.

Myrns.

Myrna? I...

Where's Myrns? Myrna.

She's just popped out to get some coriander.

I'm making shakshuka.

You are?

John.

In community service, she mentioned you.

Did she?

What'd she say - I'm the right-wing loudmouth?

That you're a good man.

I'm Sean.

Nice to meet you.

Mm.

Do you want to come in and wait?

She won't be long.

Given you've discounted surrogacy.

We should talk about a sperm donor.

Right.

Now, have you given any thought to whether or not you'll use a bank?

Yes. I want my child to have a trust fund.

No, sorry.

I mean a sperm bank.

Because you should know that in the UK there are far

more people needing sperm than there are donors.

So there is a sperm shortage.

How? This country is full of wankers. God!

First we had no flour, no tomatoes, no gas and now we've got no semen.

Bloody Brexit.

The timing of insemination is critical, and coordinating it

with your ovulation cycle is often hampered by long waiting

times, months, even years in some cases.

My doctor said I need to get pregnant as soon as possible

or it won't happen.

Then you may be better off with a donor you already know.

What you mean, like, a...?

..a friend?

Exactly.

Can you think of anyone?

IN SING-SONG VOICE: Gregory.

Cool, right?

The top of the line baby monitor.

It even records, so you don't have to miss a minute

of your kid sleeping.

Stocking up on the essentials.

How much did this set you back?

Who cares? You're winning me back my inheritance.

Greg, come sit, darling.

I do need to ask you something delicate.

It's about you. It's about masturbation.

I told you, I thought the bathroom door was locked.

And you're normally at yoga till three.

Not that. I need to get pregnant as soon as possible.

And I wouldn't be asking you if I had another option.

But you might be my one and only shot at motherhood.

So will you give me your sperm?

Sorry. Few follow-up questions.

Really?

Are you sure you want to have a child with me?

Why not?

You're smart, you're tall.

You're...you're tall.

I just never really saw myself as a dad.

Oh, but you wouldn't be the dad.

You'd be like a weird uncle.

So if I was watching him play football, I couldn't shout,

"Stick it in the goal hole, sonny."

Oh, darling, no son of yours is scoring goals.

They're not even getting picked for the team.

He's be half my splooge.

Yes, but if you lent me a bag of sugar to bake a cake,

you wouldn't say the cake was yours, would you?

I'd like to think once you've mixed it with your eggs

I was entitled to a slice.

What if he's got my eyes?

Oh, let's not catastrophise.

Greg, darling, it's important that you understand

what I'm asking here.

I want to have a baby on my own.

I just need some help doing that.

Don't you want some posh DNA? Sperm that always turns left on a plane?

No, no.

I want to introduce some sanity into my family bloodline.

That's why I need sperm that is really ordinary

and totally unremarkable.

None taken.

So I spoke to the fertility doctor.

She wants you to go in for some tests tomorrow. Gabby, I...

So I need you to take vitamin C, vitamin D, zinc, maca root.

Oh, and fenugreek to boost your sperm count.

I'm just not really sure.

And exercise is good, darling.

So I've signed you up to Pilates.

Oh, God, are the machines going to be long enough?

I'm not giving you my sperm!

But I thought... You thought that I would say yes

cos that's what I always do.

What about what I want?

What about my feelings?

I got my own shit going on. But you wouldn't know that because

you never stop thinking about yourself long enough to notice.

My body, my choice.

And I'm borrowing this.

Whoa! One dummy gun.

Why...why didn't you get rid of it after last time?

Clearly, some part of my brain thought I'd need it again.

BANGING ON DOOR

Ben, open up. It's me. Take, take, take. No!

You take it.

Ben?

Hey, babe.

Where have you been hiding?

I'm sorry, babe, I've just been snowed under.

Tax returns, stock checks, reordering.

Well...

I had a very naughty dream about you last night,

and I was thinking we go back to yours and make that dream a reality.

Of course, you will need to dress up as Where's Wally?

and halfway through, my mate's stepdad will show up.

What the...?

You have sexual fantasies about Where's Wally?

It's the thrill of the chase.

I would love to, but I gotta do my VAT.

OK.

Call me later.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Bye, babe.

You want a signed copy?

I've got an embarrassing amount.

Yeah, Myrna said you were in town to promote your book.

You're a psychologist, huh?

I am.

Have you ever had any therapy?

Doing it now.

What is your therapist practice, CBT or psychoanalysis?

No, I don't have a therapist.

I have an app. OK.

My wife said I need to work on myself.

So I am. Myself.

Without seeing a professional?

Yeah. No offence, but, uh, I think therapists are like car salesmen,

always trying to upsell.

You go in feeling a bit down in the dumps, come out with ADHD

and bipolar and heated seats you never wanted.

Sometimes seeing a professional is necessary,

particularly if there's any trauma or parental abuse.

Myrna mentioned you have a fractious relationship with your father.

No. That's fine.

That's...that's not abuse. That's, um...

You know, a lot of people have shitty dads, don't they?

Who say things like, uh, "I despise you.

"Stay in the cellar until you can do your times tables."

That kind of thing.

Abuse takes many forms.

Yeah.

Well, tomorrow I'm taking the old bastard down,

be the last therapy I ever need.

Well, if it's useful, chapter eight is about fathers and sons.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you in private.

Shall I lay an extra plate for John or...?

The Dean's lawyer wants us to testify that Rani framed

The Dean and he threatened my family.

Oh, my God!

We have to do what he says.

Yeah, but then Rani will go to jail.

We're gonna ruin that poor kid's life.

No. Do you know what will ruin my kids' lives?

It's getting murdered before they finish puberty.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Shakshuka's ready.

Be out in a minute.

WHISPERING: Look, we can't just throw Rani under the bus.

Can't we?

I mean, she did murder Smiler.

We don't know that for sure.

Myrns, the police found her DNA on the murder weapon in her bag.

She couldn't look more guilty if she wore a t-shirt that says

"I heart stabbing."

KNOCK AT DOOR Everything OK?

The shakshuka will dry out! One second!

Myrns, I have to put an end to this.

I have to! OK?

I'm taking my dad down.

It's my daughter's 13th tomorrow, and I'm going to walk

into that party and I'm going to tell Ruth I got my old job back,

and things will be the way they were.

I can start over, OK?

If I'm done with Rani and Nadine and all of it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

SHOUTING: Yes, we get it!

You made a fucking shakshuka!

We need to speak to Ben and Greg.

And if they agree, I'll do it.

We need to go out.

Oh, thanks for the, uh, thanks for the book.

Now? Where?

Would you give me some bloody space?

Why are you here all the time?

You asked me to move in.

Yeah, well, that was before I knew that you would be all up

in my business.

You're always fussing.

What kind of grown ass man chooses to descale a kettle?

Oh, and stop putting out those bowls of vegetable crisps.

That's potpourri.

I cannot breathe with you here all the time.

If you're feeling smothered, we should talk about that.

I do not have time for therapy.

Myrna, please don't shut me out.

John Halloran, Myrna Okeke.

DS Tony Burgess.

I need to talk to you about Rani Rakowski.

There's your credit card and your room key.

You're in 27.

Take the lift to the second floor.

Hello.

I was wondering if I could get a room, please,

if you have one available.

Number 28, if that's available.

That's where my wife and I honeymooned in Paris,

where she was working as a model and human rights lawyer.

She does both.

She's brains and beauty.

Picture George Clooney's wife, but way classier.

And, uh, and you've pictured Allegra.

The missus, the old missus, the old ball and chain.

These mints don't have much flavour.

They're not mints, they're decorative pebbles.

Are they?

Room 28, second floor.

Come on.

Testing, testing.

Can you hear me?

Loud and clear.

This thing definitely records, yeah?

This thing definitely records, yeah?

Yeah, it records. Yeah.

Thought it might be better than your idea of using a phone.

Yep.

OK. Here we go.

THEY EXHALE

Burgess.

This is Ben Eastfield.

Blue balls.

How are you?

Spill the goss, babes.

Rani Rakowski didn't kill Smiler.

No?

Who did?

You.

When you were at the pub, you didn't check

if the CCTV was working, did you?

Because I have you on tape doing the deed, and it's as clear as day.

Now, how much is that worth to you?

Oh, blue balls.

You really are young, dumb and full of cum.

Look, I'm not going to arrest you for wasting police time,

but don't ever, ever piss me about again. Yeah?

LINE DISCONNECTS

Well...

Well, what did he say?

He didn't buy it.

No, no, no, no, no. I guarantee right now he's tracing that call

to see where you rang from.

He'll be knocking on the door within an hour.

And then what happens?

Then you hit record, and we have a bent copper on tape

making a deal for incriminating evidence.

Boom!

And when my baby is born, she/her, he/him, they/them

is going to grow up in a totally ethical household.

The clothes will be second-hand, the cot will be upcycled.

And big thanks to all the good folk at Plastic-free Toys

for the wooden Barbie.

Also, I promise that whoever breastfeeds my child will be paid

the same as any man would be.

Now, I would love any tips that you can give, but I don't want

to appropriate anyone else's lived experience, so I will only take

advice from other Caucasian, cis, queer, metropolitan

women of privilege.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Excuse me for a second, friends.

What are these?

42 boxes of legal documents.

Where do you want them?

Uh...

Your girlfriend seems nice.

Funny too.

Yeah.

She gets that from her mum.

You've met her mum?

I've met both her parents.

That was quick.

Did you tell her about us?

She knows I've had a girlfriend before her, but that's about it.

OK.

What was I gonna say?

My ex and I ran a drug empire together, and,

oh, we framed a ruthless criminal.

Did you take her virginity, too?

Rani... No, I...

SHE TUTS Oh, so that's a no.

So she slept with people before you?

OK. We shouldn't be having this conversation.

How many was it? Two, three, 40?

Oh, you might want to get checked.

She does sound a bit chlamydia-y.

That fed's not coming, is he?

Yes, he is. Rani, please.

What? He's not coming because he's not involved.

Just be honest with me.

I am being honest with you.

You knew that I would help you because, you know,

you've still got me wrapped around your little finger.

And I'm the idiot. Because here I am.

I'm looking for this man, Benjamin Eastfield.

Which room is he in?

Room 27, second floor.

Cheers.

Would you have a hotel floor plan there?

Lovely.

And the answer's plaza - Wordle.

Got it in three this morning.

What are you up to, Blue Balls?

What are you even talking about?

When we all yawned, you didn't.

That's a tell-tale sign of a psychopath.

Maybe I wasn't tired.

You were up all night driving a corpse back from London.

How could you not be tired?

It's a good question. OK, so that means that I'm capable of murder?

No, no, that means you could be capable of anything!

GREG GASPS AND GROANS

RANI AND BEN CONTINUE TO ARGUE

Shh. Shh.

You have a nice sleep, long fella.

You dumped me through a train window. I can't!

And you just vanished into thin air.

No phone calls, no emails, text messages.

But I said I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter if you said you're sorry. I said I'm sorry!

I said I'm sorry! You still left me.

KNOCK AT DOOR Police!

Open up!

Go. Open. Hurry up!

Open up!

Yeah.

Where's this tape, Blue Balls?

Let's talk money first.

Yeah? Who do I look like to you, Sergeant Numbnuts?

Show me the tape.

Oh!

There is no tape, is there?

Absolute scenes.

Feel free to come out, Rani.

I know your partner in crime here is as thick as

a docker's sandwich, but The Dean talks about you

like you're Stephen bloody Hawkins.

You don't seem that clued up to me.

I mean, what was the plan?

I walk in here, confess everything, and you tape it

on a bloody baby monitor?

Whatever The Dean's paying you, I'll double it.

You ain't got that kind of money.

Come on, let's go.

I want to get home for The One Show.

Buble's on tonight and it's not even Christmas.

But it feels like it.

She's not going anywhere.

Oh.

Policeman gets shot by a young black man with criminal record

and blue balls.

That should go well for you.

How about corrupt copper shot by young brown girl

with an Oxford scholarship?

You ain't going to shoot me.

I'm already wanted for one murder.

Might as well go out with a bang.

Come on. Me, you and blue balls knows you never killed anyone.

And you ain't going to start now.

Try me.

Wait, why do you keep calling him blue balls?

Cos he helped you cover up a murder.

And you never even had the decency to nosh him off.

You said that?

No.

Well, a thank you would have been nice.

Rani, look, you know who I've got sitting in my car?

Your friends John and Myrna,

I'm chaperoning them to court where they're going to testify

you fitted up The Dean.

God, you underestimated the wrong people.

Right now they are racing to the real police to turn you in.

Quick, try the door. Yes, I can reach it.

OK, I'll move up. Pull... I can reach it. I can reach it.

Easy. Now hook it, hook it over the top.

Yeah. That's it. Pull!

Pulling. Ah!

The bloody child lock. It's the child lock.

Clever bastard.

Can you pull? Yeah, I can pull.

Hold my wrist.

I can't breathe. Stop, stop, stop.

And your face is all over the news.

So do you believe, in your wildest dreams,

you can outrun every copper in the country,

Professor Hawkins?

It's Hawking with no 'S', Sergeant Numbnuts.

I can see why you like boning this one.

Feisty, isn't she?

Must have really stung when she dumped you on that train.

Good luck.

Is there anyone who doesn't know how you dumped me?

Greg!

Oh, my God! Greg! Greg! Greg! GREG GROANS

Come on. SHE GRUNTS

Are you OK?

No, I've eaten 26 quid's worth of mini bar snacks.

And I don't even like spicy cashews.

I have to run an errand.

You good back there?

Fine. Oh, yeah. Never better thanks.

Cheers. Nice for you to ask.

PHONE VIBRATES

Who's Sean?

Oh.

That's my, um...

My boyfriend.

Look, he's just going to keep calling if I don't answer.

Oh, isn't he a thirsty little bitch?

Make it quick.

Hi. Myrna.

I feel like things don't seem right.

I'm just in the way here. I should move out.

No, no, no, don't do that.

It's me. I need my space.

I'm not used to having someone, like, up in my face.

I'm used to being completely free.

I hope you know you can be honest with me.

Unburden yourself.

Trust is a fragile flower that takes time to grow.

We go back a long way, Myrna.

Whatever it is, I'm here for you.

Honestly I'm fine. Thanks.

Can I be honest with you?

Sure.

I love you.

Cool.

OK, I've got to go now.

LINE DISCONNECTS

Oh, that was cold.

I get the guy's an absolute pussy

but why didn't you just say "I love you" back?

I don't know.

You need to figure that one out, love.

Ask yourself, "What am I scared of?"

Apart from me, obviously.

Stay put, yeah.

Help!

Fire! We're in the... What?

There's a fire! What are you doing?

Apparently, people do not respond to the word help,

but they do respond to the word fire.

SHOUTING: Fire!

BOTH: Fire!

Can you get your leg through there?

If we contort our bodies, we can escape.

If we could do all that, we'd be taking

this to Vegas, wouldn't we?

Can you dislocate your shoulder?

If I could, I'd be saving it for the grand finale.

Can you reach the steering wheel?

With what?

My telescopic nose?

Stretch out your foot.

What, and turn the radio on?

Look, if you can reach the steering wheel, you can beep the horn.

Ow! Hold on.

Here it come.

Oh, there it is. Yes!

Oh!

Ah!

Oh! Yes.

HORN HONKS Yes! Yes!

HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE

HORN HORKS REPEATEDLY

Yo, PC Davis, can you tie a tie?

Yo, Davis.

Taylor! Taylor, open up!

Taylor!

Open up!

Ah!

Taylor!

Shit!

Stop!

HE PANTS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Daddy!

Hello, Gabsy.

What are you doing here?

Do you recall that time when we spread blankets

on the drawing room floor and had an indoor picnic?

And you insisted we ate everything with our hands?

You remember that?

Of course I do, my dear.

It was one of my favourite afternoons.

Eating game terrine while you showed me your pirouettes.

What do you want?

My lawyers say they'll drown your man in paperwork.

And I see that's started already.

They also say it'll get rather nasty in court once

the mudslinging starts.

So I thought we ought to have a moment together before that.

Whatever happens, you're still my little girl.

I had Sebastian pop into Harvey Nicks,

pick up all your favourites.

Can I tempt you to a devilled guinea fowl egg?

I'll put the kettle on.

Oh, there's my girl.

I'll bring the Earl

And I'll bring the grey.

Ha-ha! Here we go.

How would you describe the work ethos of your colleague DS Haines?

She is thorough and won't stop till she gets what she wants.

You recall a conversation with your superior, DCI Monroe,

in which he said, "My hunch is you're ambitious

"and think if you nail somebody the Met can't,

"it's your ticket out of Bristol."

Yes.

Do you recall what Sergeant Haines said in response?

Yes, she said...

I won't apologise for being ambitious.

How did DCI Monroe respond to that?

I was tasked by DCI Monroe with investigating DS Haines.

Tell us what you found in her desk.

A mobile phone.

Only two numbers were dialled from that mobile phone in the course

of 18 months.

To whom were those calls placed?

A Christian Taylor and Rani Rakowski.

Christian Taylor is a local drug dealer, is that correct?

He was.

And Rani Rakowski is currently wanted for the murder of

Mr Matheson's associate, Marshall Smiley, known as Smiler.

Is that correct? Yes.

Why did you call Miss Rakowski just days before Marshall Smiley's death?

I didn't.

Was it to instruct her to stab Marshall Smiley to death?

No. Because he witnessed you planting drugs

in my client's car?

That didn't happen.

Were statements from a Swiss bank account registered in your name,

found by your friend and colleague, DS Selforth, in your desk?

Those statements must have been put there, like the mobile phone.

Just so the jury is clear, someone forged a Swiss bank account

in your name, infiltrated a secure police station, and hid these items

in your desk.

I...I don't know.

Is it not more plausible that your informant,

Christian Taylor, whom you always visited in prison alone,

paid you to set up my client?

No. That's absurd.

Did you meet with Rani Rakowski and other convicted felons

at a community centre?

I didn't meet with them, no. I was pursuing a lead.

And DS Selforth accompanied you?

No, I was in a sex club.

LAUGHTER

Were you now? Uh, yeah.

Pursuing a different lead.

And you uncovered what?

Nothing.

So who sent you to the sex club in pursuit of this non-existent lead?

I sent him there, yes, but only...

Did he think it was a good idea?

I thought that we should, uh, stake out the community centre.

But DS Haines overruled you?

Yes.

I put it to you that during a meeting at the community centre,

you conspired with Rani Rakowski, Christian Taylor, and other

convicted felons to lure my client, Liam Matheson, to Bristol... No.

..with the express purpose of planting drugs in his car.

No. This jury should seriously question your integrity,

should they not? No!

Shouldn't they acquit my client if there is reasonable doubt

about how those drugs ended up in Mr Matheson's car?

It doesn't matter how they got into his car,

he is a drug dealer.

I think it matters a great deal how they got there.

That's not what I meant.

No further questions, Your Honour.

It's not what I meant.

They're trying to discredit me, Your Honour.

You may step down.

They're setting me up! You may step down.

REPORTERS SHOUT

Ma'am.

Was it you who put the drugs in his car?

Ma'am. Can we have a quick comment?

Ma'am, none of what they said is true, is it? Not now, Diane.

But as your friend I'm worried. You are not my friend, Diane!

Just fuck off.

Police coming through.

Make way, make way.

I've been sober for six months, Daddy.

Good for you.

I'm proud.

What else is new?

Well...

I'm having a baby.

With whom?

With myself.

Oh, how modern!

Is this happy news?

Not according to the awful things people are saying about me online.

What are they saying?

Well, JeffF says, "Posh lezza binch shouldn't reproduce." Oh!

Trevorisclever74 writes, "You dykes want to do away with men

"but still need our baby gravy. Jog on love."

And KeithSkywalker69 is more nuanced.

He says that while he has nothing against me personally, he does think

I should be sterilised and made to live up north.

Oh, darling. Ignore them.

Social media is just for dancing teenagers, sweaty perverts

and Gary Lineker.

But the abuse will get five times worse when these lawyers

air your dirty laundry in court.

You've got more dirty laundry than a care home after curry night.

But it doesn't have to be like that, Daddy.

Absolutely right, darling.

Not if you sign this.

Well, what is it?

It's an end to all this silliness.

"I hereby renounce any right, title, interest or claim

"to the following property, land, assets or money."

This is why you're here?

No. I came to see you.

Every time! I fall for it every time.

Darling, your lawyer can't win this case.

He couldn't win the award for tallest man living

in his flat called Greg.

Just sign the paperwork.

I'm looking out for you.

Then give me my inheritance and I can afford to raise my child.

Oh, please. You can't have a baby, Gabsy.

Only thing you can nurse is a hangover.

You lecture me on parenting?

When did you ever change my nappy?

Or put a plaster on my knee?

Or read me a bedtime story?

You're an addict just like your mother was.

Don't make the same mistake she did.

Are you saying that I was a mistake?

I'm saying your mother wasn't fit to raise a child.

I don't want you ending up like she did with a gut full

of sleeping pills when the going gets tough.

Get out.

Just sign the bloody paperwork.

Get out!

Suing me, having a baby that's never going to fill

the empty space inside.

Just like the booze and the pills don't.

If I have an empty space inside, then whose fault is that?

Oh. Nice to have someone to blame, isn't it?

Much easier than admitting you screwed life up by yourself.

Baby formula?

Try your best not to snort it.

There's a good girl.

Hello, Your Lordship. Hello, you lucky halfwit.

Gabby, no!

Prick!

Steady on.

I just don't want to see you drinking again.

It's kombucha, Greg.

And my dad is the prick.

The worst thing is he's right.

I'll be a shit mum.

You said it yourself, I'm...I'm selfish.

I never put anyone else first.

And I'm an addict.

The first sign of stress, I'll be back on the vodka.

My breast milk will taste like a White Russian.

None of that's true.

It is.

It's why you won't give me your sperm.

You and the rest of the world know that I shouldn't be a mum.

You'll be an amazing mum.

You're warm and kind, smart.

You've got so much love to give.

Oh, you're only saying that because I'm crying.

No, I mean it.

And to prove it, I'm going to take this in my room,

fill it with my jizz, and you're going to whack it up your minge.

That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Mr Halloran.

We are all waiting.

I swear...

..by Almighty God, the evidence I shall give shall be the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I took part in an operation...

..that was planned and orchestrated by Rani Rakowski.

To plant drugs in the boot of that man's car.

On behalf of Christian Taylor.

Who paid Detective Sergeant Lucy Haines for her involvement.

My name is Johnny You'll deal with me now...

Move it!

Shift it! Out the way!

Keep it coming back. Plenty of space.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Could you tell me how to get to Cabot Tower?

Go left. Go right.

And go fuck yourself.

Honestly!

You're welcome.

I know you hate to feel vulnerable,

but I need you to know that I really do love you.

And so...

HE GRUNTS Mind your hip.

I'd like to say that I want to grow old with you.

But you'll just say we're already old.

But when I'm with you, I feel like

there's so much more life left to live.

And I want to spend it with you.

Myrna...

..will you marry me?

Oh, bloody hell.

I'm really sorry

for not believing you.

Hey. Hey!

It's OK.

I'm done.

I'm going to have to hand myself in. No.

No, we will figure it out.

I don't want to get you in any more trouble.

It's only a matter of time before the police find me.

CRASH

FOOTSTEPS

What do you want?

I heard the curry goat was good.

Thanks for the heads-up about the dodgy fed.

Fucking pigs, man.

Ain't no way man's testifying for them now.

All I need is a change of clothes and some Ps and I'm on my way.

You can't go.

Rani needs our help.

Mm-mm.

I never get involved with women who are into murder.

Or glamping.

But we need to keep the Dean inside.

He killed Smiler.

Yeah, once he gets out, he's going to come for all of us.

Straight. Which is why I'm leaving Bristol before that happens.

You are the reason we are in this mess.

Don't put this on me.

You stole that money.

Only because you got in bed with the devil

and dragged me in with you. Well, I've changed.

I'm out of the game.

I can start a new life.

But not if I lose it first.

You know the Dean.

How he thinks.

Come to City Farm in the morning.

OK? The others are going to be there, and we work out a plan.

Nah.

Ain't my responsibility.

Well, nothing ever is.

Is it? Ever since we were kids,

it was always you looking out for you

and screw everyone else, right?

You ain't changed a bit.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but is that all of it?

You actually don't need very much because it's very rich,

like vanilla essence.

Also, if I'm honest,

I'm not feeling at my horniest.

Oh, no. Why? It's Anne-Marie.

Oh, my God, is she OK? You know how I adore that angel.

She dumped me. Fuck that witch.

Darling, break-ups are the worst.

Usually I'd agree. Why? What else has happened?

I don't want to burden you. Not when you've got to face your dad in court

and get pregnant in under a month.

When people are in need, mothers spring into action.

Now what is going on? I demand you tell me.

Well, I realised today that I've never done anything meaningful

in my life because...

..I nearly died.

What? And you know how they say

that your life flashes before your eyes?

Well, the only thing that flashed before my eyes

was the first time I used contactless.

2010, Chieveley Services.

I bought two Creme Eggs and a Dan Brown novel.

And it wasn't even The Da Vinci Code.

So at least if I help you become a mum,

I'll have done one decent thing that can flash past next time I die.

Well, that's incredibly sweet, darling, but you have skimmed over

an important detail. What?

Why did you nearly die?

Greg!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

There we go.

Would you like me to do the itinerary today?

I don't give a hot shart what you do, mate.

You testified. What?

I had no choice!

Some bent copper named Burgess threatened my family.

That same copper confessed to killing Smiler.

Greg was there. Yeah. I almost died.

This is what we found in Smiler's lock box.

Is that real gold?

It's not yellowy enough to be 22.

Based on the weight and the...

SHE TAPS ..acoustic signature,

I'd say it's more like a...18 carat.

What?

I was a shoplifter.

I almost died.

Look, I'm worried.

It's 9.30 in the morning and you're drinking ciders

like you're on The Real Housewives of Taunton.

Who are you? My mother?

Because if you are, make me some breakfast

and stop borrowing my bras.

Ma'am, is this about Sergeant Haines?

Don't talk to me about filthy pigs.

Unless it's them. All right?

Now go and steal some petty cash and get me a sausage sandwich

from the cafe and another can of scrumpy.

Oh, yeah. There was a homeless bloke around selling crack.

See if he's got any stock left.

OK, don't say that.

It's not a homeless person selling crack,

it's an unhoused person selling crack.

Oh, right. Well, less woke correcting,

more sandwich collecting.

All right? Go.

The only thing on Smiler's phone is this.

Hey, baby.

I know you said it was a mad idea, but I can't see no future

where we ain't looking over our shoulders.

So I'm on my way to meet the Brainbox.

Now I know what you're thinking.

But if she can get us in the Dean's gaff and we boost his hard drive,

he's done. What's on this hard drive? Unclear.

But obviously Smiler thought there was enough on it

to bring the Dean down. Yeah.

If we ever get this bent copper off our backs, eh?

Nobody...

Nobody move.

Nobody mo...

Nobody...

Move? Yeah. That's right.

Now, you might just think I'm a pretty face.

Well, I'm not. Don't say that.

You just need a bit of help with your make-up.

I haven't finished. I'm not JUST a pretty face.

I am also one smart doughnut. Cookie.

They both work. And this doughnut knows exactly

what you've been up to. Because I planted a bug up there,

and I've heard every word of this conspiracy.

You, missy, are a murderer.

And you framed that drug dealer, and I am your patsy.

And you've roped in all your cronies to do it again, to keep him in jail

so you can take over his territory. Am I right?

Oh, you're so close.

We want the Dean to stay in jail, but not to steal his territory.

No, just because he's a really bad guy.

And I didn't murder anyone, OK?

I was set up by a dirty cop.

Yeah, a dirty, filthy little slag called Sergeant Lucy Haines.

What?

No, no, Haines isn't dirty.

No, we were talking about a fed from the Met.

Wait, wait.

So Sergeant Lucy Haines is as pure as the driven snow?

OK, I've got to be honest.

I've necked a few gliders for breakfast,

so I just need to check that this is real.

Hit me. What?

Hit me. Oh, my mum said never to hit a woman.

Or a man. On account of my weak wrists.

I am ordering you to hit me.

Oh!

Oh!

Thank you. Pleasure.

I never doubted Sergeant Haines.

I want to clear her name. What are we going to do?

Finish Smiler's plan.

Break into the Dean's house. Steal the hard drive.

Yeah, right.

We're not breaking into a drug lord's house. Why not?

Because! It's probably got barbed wire

and a...and a henchman with an eye patch and a metal hand.

Plus, we don't even know where he lives.

No, but I do.

And his henchman doesn't have a metal hand.

What about the eye patch?

No, bruv.

OK, so we know where he lives, but we do not know how to just go in

and take something that does not wish to be took. No...

..but we know a man who does.

LIVELY CHATTER

Just to be clear, I take all the money

if I can do between three and four hundred push-ups.

Uh, 600 says no way, Gramps.

Oh, nice. All right.

Let's see it. OK.

ALL: One. Two.

Three. Four.

Oh...

Are you not entertained?

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa.

You said you were going to do

between three and four hundred.

Right. I won the bet.

Uh, you did four push-ups, bro.

Four is between three and 400, right?

GROANING

Sorry, folks. Please take your money back.

Frank, I don't pay you to shake down customers.

I pay you to make coffee badly.

You pay me so badly I have to shake down customers.

That's not what I meant.

PHONE RINGS

Just go answer the phone.

Frank speaking.

Hi. It's Rani.

Rani.

Everyone's here, by the way.

How are you doing?

ALL REPLY

I almost died.

I miss you.

All of you.

I'm wanted for murder.

And to prove my innocence and stop the Dean from killing all of us,

we need to break into his house and steal incriminating evidence.

Gotcha.

How do we do that?

So...you got a pencil?

No, Frank, listen. Hey.

This is your mess, too, OK?

You should be here helping us.

I wish I could, but I'm stuck here.

In New York. What? You've still got 40 more hours to do.

What are you doing there?

Uh, I got some stuff...

..brewing.

Hello? Excuse me.

Uno momento, please. I'm helping some English people

burglarise a drug lord.

Rani, here's the grift.

There's this sweet number called the Mario Brothers manoeuvre.

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