Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING, SIRENS WAIL The Met have been after

a London drug dealer known as The Dean for years,

yet I've just arrested him with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

I think you put the cocaine in his car.

When are we supposed to have done this?

How about a donation for my bucket?

MYRNA: How would you even go about planting drugs in a man's car?

I've been at the... ..community centre...

..all day. You never let them out of your sight?

No, ma'am.

JOHN: We're suing you for wrongful dismissal, breach of contract

and workplace bullying.

I'm middle-aged, divorced and unemployed,

but I think you're terrific

and I wondered if you'd like to grab a bite to eat sometime.

You can't park here unless you have a disability. I do.

My girlfriend's a crippling bore.

Oh, charming! Wait...

BIG BEN CHIMES

Come back to bed.

Uh, yeah, I...I'd love to, but I have to...

I have to go out.

When are you coming back? I'm not sure.

Hmm, mysterious.

Well, can I see you again? I had fun tonight.

Yeah... Yeah? Great.

Well, let me get my phone and we can swap deets.

DOOR CLOSES

Can you just...just pull over here?

VEHICLE APPROACHES

BLEATING

CLUCKING

GRUNTING

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Some people think Community Payback

is an easy option, a soft touch.

Yeah, everyone. Well, it ain't!

This lot may look innocent enough,

but never forget you are dealing with hardened criminals.

PIGS GRUNT Why do they hate me?!

It's like they know I had a bacon roll for breakfast!

Never show weakness.

These offenders will eat you alive, unless, like me, you're tough

and you've earned their respect.

You're like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

I am exactly like Michelle Pfeiffer.

But I bet you look better in a PVC catsuit.

Inappropriate, but I'll allow it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

COCKEREL CROWS

Listen up!

This is Stan.

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Stan is a trainee community service supervisor.

Stan is a homosexual...

..which does not matter.

Stan is also my protege...

..which is the French word for "minion".

Isn't minion already a French word?

Do you want cinq more hours? Non.

Now, I want you to think of Stan as an extension of me

a second head growing out of my neck.

Now, I want you to treat this second head with respect.

As much respect as the first head?

No. So, how much respect?

About half.

The second head is definitely inferior to the first head.

I want you to blow this and say, "Back to work."

What, already?

God, this job moves quick.

I only got my first pair of smart shoes on Monday.

Welcome to the jungle.

FAINT WHISTLE

You're going to need to work on that puff.

No. Can't call him a poof. That's homophobic.

No, puff. Work on that puff,

Like a whistle blowing.

Apparently, you can say...you can say queer again now.

That's come back.

I'm not risking it.

It's like in the '90s

when they said that Vietnam is now a holiday destination.

HE SCOFFS I thought, "Yeah.

"Wait and see on that one."

SHRILL WHISTLE

Back to work!

Now, you four, you are this close

to completing your hours, all right?

So, less attitude, more servitude.

Back to work!

Don't suppose you've got any blister plasters, do you?

These brogues are still pinching.

Suck it up. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

QUIETLY: Hey!

I need your help.

MYRNA GASPS

Oh!

Is he dead? Yes!

We have to hide the body.

I'm sorry? "We"?

This isn't my car. People will be looking for it.

She means, why would we help you?!

Because you're all involved!

JOHN: How?! We haven't seen you in six months!

Sorry, this might seem like an obvious question...

..but why have you got a dead body?!

In this job, you need a sixth sense

for what's happening all around you.

These criminal types are always up to something...

..and it's our responsibility to know what.

STRAINING

What've you got there?

Uh...hay.

What, it takes four of you to carry some hay?

How heavy is it?

You'd be fucking surprised.

Townies! Hurry up, then.

See, what I did there was wave my authority dick in their face.

What are you writing down? Your words of wisdom.

Oh. What have you got so far?

"Crime costs, and here's your invoice."

"Napoleon said, 'Rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove.'

"Wrong! Rule with an iron fist in an iron glove."

And, "Bring your own bog roll

"cos these bastards'll steal anything." Hmm! Good advice.

CLATTERING WOMAN: Police! Open up!

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Does this mean I have a shot at another date?

Maybe I'm just here to order some jerk chicken?

What, at eight in the morning?

Heart wants what it wants.

So...how about tonight?

Yeah, I'm going to have to check my diary.

Hmm. But...

..it's looking good.

Yes!

Looking very good!

SHE CHUCKLES

I'll see you tonight.

See you later.

No to illegal deportations!

Right, everybody off, please.

# We shall not...

PROTESTORS JOIN IN # We shall not be moved!

# We shall not We shall not be moved

# Just like a tree that's planted by the water

# We shall not be moved! #

I'm heavier than I look, aren't I?

Like a futon.

Myrna?

Sean?

You haven't changed!

You have!

You OK?

Yeah. Yeah. Last time I pay for speedy boarding!

HE LAUGHS

I thought that you and your wife lived in Toronto. We're divorced.

I'm going to be back in Bristol for a week,

doing a guest lecture at our old university shilling my new book.

Yeah. I read your last one.

I liked it.

Would you like to go for a drink before I leave?

Uh... No. No.

I'm really busy all the time.

Well, if you get a free moment,

here's my number.

So glad I ran into you.

Who says activism achieves nothing?

Here's hoping to see you soon.

The boundary wall does encroach five yards further into

Mr Cowan's property than you and your wife first in...

WOMAN: Ah, yes! ..dic...ated.

Oh, that's so good!

Um, now taking this to the courts would be time-consuming.

It's expen... WOMAN MOANS

..sive... WOMAN SHRIEKS

..but what I can recommend is contacting the Land Registry...

Can you give me one second to discuss something with my paralegal?

MOANING AND GASPING

BREATHLESS LAUGHTER Yes!

Gabby, please!

This is supposed to be a business hub, not Pornhub.

Oh!

We agreed, silent scissoring only between nine and five.

Don't worry. Greg always pops out at midday for a Boots meal deal.

Now, that is sexy talk. Do you want to hear the full order?

Mm-hm. One...large...

..steak bake...

Ooh, mama...

..a bottle of strawberry Yop.

Mmm!

Some...

..ridged McCoy's...

Mmm, ridged...

..and a KitKat.

Yeah? How many fingers?

Four.

THEY LAUGH

THEY MOAN

DOORBELL RINGS AND KNOCKING

I need legal advice. MUFFLED MOANING

Are you listening to whale music?

It's Gabby and her new lady friend.

They seem to be taking part in some kind of sex marathon.

I can't believe they haven't cramped up.

And God knows what state their nipples are in.

I'm just glad I didn't sponsor 'em.

Hey, you know that airport protest I was telling you about?

Yeah. It worked!

I got arrested! And I'm trying to resolve a particularly heated

hedge dispute, so we're all busy.

Oh, no, this is a work question, Greg.

No. It's only a work question if you pay me, Myrna.

I've ploughed all of my money into the anti-deportation campaign.

This'll have to be pro bono.

I can't afford to dole out free legal advice!

Oh, come on. Would you like to get sent to a hotel in Rwanda?

SHRIEKING Yeah. I bet it's quieter.

BUZZING, SHRIEKING INTENSIFIES

Great, they've moved from acoustic to electric.

It's like this 24/7.

BUZZING, SHRIEKING STOPS

Oh!

Did you take the batteries out of the remote?

I'll put them back when we're done.

Hi, darling. Mwah!

Mrs Cosgrove next door complained about the noise.

She was watching This Morning and couldn't hear

Alison Hammond laughing. And that's saying something.

You look flushed. What's going on?

Nothing. I'm menopausal.

No. It's something else.

SHE GASPS Oh, my God, you've met someone.

OK. That is incredible.

Oh, tell me everything!

Sean. An old flame from way back in the day.

We bumped into each other at the airport.

When are you meeting him? Oh, I'm not meeting him.

I'm just telling you cos of the mad coincidence of it all.

No, but why wouldn't you go and give yourself a chance at happiness?

Because, unlike you two, I don't believe that being

coupled up is the answer to life's problems.

My girlfriend says that as single people

we weren't human beings, we were human doings.

You're dating a fridge magnet?

You don't have to marry this guy. Why don't you

just meet him for a drink and see what happens?

I'm not going.

Myrna, I know you're scared, but... I'm not scared.

You can't jump out of a plane without jumping out of a plane.

I have...done massive cocaine deals

and been chased by gangsters with knives.

I'm not scared of anything!

So why aren't you going?

Because I'm...

..I'm busy.

Fine.

But, um...

..for the sake of argument, if I was scared...

..how would I deal with that?

Well, step one, we call him.

Come on, give me his number.

Come on, now.

I want you to act like you've

just had six glasses of Chablis in the bath.

Depressed? No. Mellow.

And no politics!

Why would I pretend to be somebody that I'm not?

When dating, we pretend because we are horny.

Hmm? Oh.

Chablis in the bath.

RINGING TONE

Hello? Hi, Sean, this is Myrna.

I just drank a bottle of Chablis in the bath,

and not because I'm suicidal.

Good to know. Um, so...

..I was thinking that, um, that drink,

I think that that would be...

..mellow...dude.

Great.

Is our old pub still there?

Yeah, but they've gentrified the shit out of it

cos the Tories gave tax breaks to the rich...

Uh...

But the point is...

..it's nice.

8pm? Great.

And, Myrna, I'm glad you called.

I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

I won't be pressured into sex!

Not #MeToo! Me too, as in, "I'm looking forward to it as well".

Oh! Me too.

I'm looking forward to it as well.

PHONE BEEPS Yay!

Now, what do we wear?

This.

Darling, you're dressing for a date, not selling kombucha at Glastonbury.

And a deep breath out.

Feel yourself shifting into a calmer energy state.

Let your breath ground you

and repeat with me,

I am blooming as a flower... HE REPEATS

..and float through stress like petals in the wind.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

..through stress like petals in the wind.

CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

Oh, right, then.

DEVICE BEEPS

Derek? Yes, mate.

Do you have a preferred route?

No. OK.

I think we'll take the, er, A432 up through Fish Ponds.

Google Maps'll tell you that's seven minutes slower,

but it'll also tell you to take the M32,

even though it's down to one lane,

so good luck getting past Frenchay Hospital

at rush hour, hey?

There's a recent copy of GQ in the back there.

Nice little interview with James McAvoy.

Got Smints if you need them, winter fresh and spearmint.

If you need a charge cable, I have lightning, micro USB

and USB-C.

Er, and there's some bottled water in the door gully.

And not the cheap bottles that you get from the corner shop.

You know, the ones that are all too thin and squishy

and it sort of squashes when you try and open it?

You end up splashing it everywhere

and now you've got water in your lap before your big presentation.

All right, message received, friend.

GABBY: Oh, yes. Oh, yes,

Now, this...

This is the look.

But I can't walk.

I need to be able to walk, don't I?

Well, you'll get a cab to the restaurant.

And, remember, keep it light, keep it frothy,

laugh at everything he says, play with your earrings a little.

And needless to say, eat nothing.

I'm starving!

Oh, darling, you eat before you go.

Restaurants are no place for eating.

CLUNKING FOOTSTEPS

Hey.

Do you want to see the menu?

SHE LAUGHS

I'm hungry.

Are you hungry?

No. I just had a baked potato.

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE CLEARS THROAT

So, this is special, innit?

It is really special. I can't tell you how I love this...

MUFFLED SHRIEKING

I must just take this off.

I've been dying to do this.

TV VOLUME INCREASES All these holes here

tell a story to do with lots of

transformations that this clock's had.

TV VOLUME INCREASES The holes say something else

was there before? Yeah, it's like a house.

You wouldn't expect a house to stay the same...

Would you like another cheese and pickle sandwich?

I would, actually. That'd be great. Thanks very much.

SHRIEKING, GROANING CONTINUES

New windows, it would have...

Oh, you know when you were swimming at the lido earlier

and I left you a few messages about being careful?

Eight messages. Eight messages, yeah.

Well, the reason is,

I realised that if you were to slip in the changing rooms

and crack your head open, I don't know your blood type.

Neither do I.

Put that knife down!

Right, I'll make the sandwiches,

you make a doctor's appointment immediately.

Oh, that was a lucky escape, love.

Ali went into psychology, like me.

Connor wants to be a drummer or a professional Hacky Sacker.

We're still negotiating.

What about you? Any kids? No.

I wanted to change the world...

Not nappies. I remember.

Do you regret it? Not having children?

I regret a lot of things.

I regret...

..being thrown out of Live Aid for protesting.

About the whole white saviour complex?

No, cos Phil Collins got way more time than Sade.

Well, to hell with regret.

To...second chances.

To second chances.

Shall we get more wine?

Well, actually, I have to get going.

I've got a tutorial tomorrow morning at 9am,

and if I don't get eight hours' sleep I have to take a week off.

Right.

OK.

Now, as you know, I don't keep secrets from you guys,

so this is just a little update on my mental and physical health.

I'm still in Alcoholics Anonymous,

Narcotics Anonymous

and anger management.

I know, I am more damaged than a Yodel parcel.

But on the physical side, I did have a little scare recently.

Couple of months ago, I was getting these really heavy periods!

And I mean loads of blood.

It was like that bit in The Shining.

And my gyno discovers these growths on my womb

called uterine polyps.

Now, nothing cancerous,

but I did have to have them removed just in case.

The operation was fine.

Worst bit...

..no sex for six weeks!

Those were the days.

Now, thankfully, that healing period has just ended

and my flatmate Greg can confirm

my sex life is back to normal. Right?

So I've heard.

I am hornier than a Viking's hat!

And you know how horny I was before!

But, guys, get yourselves checked out regularly downstairs, OK?

I don't care if you've got a fanny, balls, both, neither.

You just make sure you have a good rummage around for Auntie Gabby.

PHONE BUZZES Oh, babe, someone's calling you.

Oh.

Spare no detail.

He says he has to leave because of work.

What does that mean?!

He has to leave because of work.

He's making an excuse!

I put myself out there and now look what bloody happens.

Did you have a good time?

I thought we did. Even if it doesn't work out this time,

you are back on the horse!

I should never have agreed to this!

SHE SIGHS

Oh. Hi, Ruth.

Myrna.

This is, er, Sean, my, er...

..my friend.

John Halloran's wife.

From Community Payback.

Nice to meet you. And you.

Tell John I hope he's well.

What are you doing?

I was...

I was going to kiss you.

I thought you had to go.

I don't want to have any regrets.

Neither do I.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

It's my daughter's birthday in a few days.

What would you buy a teenage girl?

She loves, er... She loves horses.

She loves rolling her eyes.

You should get her a dad

who just shuts the fuck up and drives.

SIREN WAILS

HE MURMURS: I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind...

I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind.

I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind.

Oh, um, Gabby got him into Gwyneth Paltrow's

favourite mindfulness app.

Yeah, he's just connecting his mind to his vagina.

Now what?

Now we bury him.

On the farm?

No, I just brought him here to see the pigs.

I have a question - who exactly would we be burying?

You seem...anxious.

Oh, do I, now?

I really hope you put those

marvellous powers of perception to use in court.

Don't you, Smiler?

Of course I'm anxious!

I'm on trial in three days

and the prosecution's key witness is still breathing!

What happened, Smiler? I told you to deal with it.

They got him stashed somewhere.

I'm trying to triangulate that shit.

As your lawyer, I must advise against triangulating any shit.

And what's your plan,

aside from shafting me for 500 quid an hour?

As we agreed, I discredit him in the witness box,

along with the entire police case.

And the girl, Smiler? Did you find her?

She's been bouncing around, but I've a lead she's in London.

What do you want me to do?

As your lawyer, once again,

I must advise against violence.

I was framed

by a small-time dealer and a schoolgirl!

HE SIGHS

Either their heads roll or mine will.

If the bodies start piling up, every finger points at you.

Do what you have to do, but after the trial.

After the trial, Mr Lawyer, I'll be in fucking prison!

You're not going to prison.

That's why you pay me 500 quid an hour.

What do you want me to do, boss?

I want you to triangulate shit. That's what I want!

I want to know the whereabouts of Christian Taylor

and Rani Rekowski.

DS Selforth. You know Rhona Weaver from the CPS?

She's leading the team prosecuting The Dean.

Go ahead.

From the requests I've been getting,

I'm certain The Dean's defence will be that he was fitted up.

For God's sake. By who?

Lucy Haines.

The three Ps of police work

are persistence,

persistence and...

..persistence.

SHE LAUGHS

That's brilliant!

It's an old joke, but it's true.

Now, we arrested this man thanks to persistence

and the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act,

which means...?

Diane?

You spied on him.

We call it surveillance.

No, yeah, I know that.

I was just dumbing it down for this lot.

Over 18 months, email intercepts, undercover operatives

and bugs planted in his warehouse helped us build a watertight case.

Now, who else do we target using RIPA legislation?

Anyone other than Diane?

Sophie, we haven't heard from you today.

She don't know.

Anyone at all? DIANE CLICKS FINGERS

Come on, guys, we covered this last week.

Charles in the back?

I guess Diane, then. Who does RIPA target?

Fraudsters. Terrorists. Paedos.

Correct.

Have it!

RHONA: Do you trust her?

It's an office joke how straight Lucy is.

She made us show a receipt for her birthday cake.

And the candles.

Be that as it may, our end has to appear Daz white,

which is why I'm bringing in the Counter Corruption Unit.

Oh, can't we keep this in-house?

It won't look good enough to a jury.

Rhona, personal favour...

..just give us a few days,

just so we can see what's going on here ourselves.

48 hours.

Sergeant Haines, with the exam fast approaching, can I ask,

will there be anything on those lights

that show up fingerprints and jizz?

I can't tell you that. Can you give me a clue?

No, you can't give me a clue,

or you just gave me one but it was too subtle for me to notice?

If I want to be a police detective,

I need to be able to spot my own clues!

Roger that, ma'am.

So, wondered if you fancied going for a drink with me?

Obviously not in a lesbian way.

I'm a demon for the cock, as you know.

I have to get back to the office.

You going to crack open a bottle of whisky

and open up some cold cases? I don't drink.

No? I always had you pegged as a Cagney type.

A what? Cagney & Lacey. Police show from the '80s.

Cagney was a big drinker.

Lacey was more about family,

but still a bloody good detective, though.

We're a bit like Cagney and Lacey, aren't we?

Both great police, mutual respect for each other,

always bantering back and forth, usually while walking.

Goodnight, Diane. Night, ma'am.

Lucy is not bent.

You stood right there

while she said she wouldn't apologise for being ambitious,

that if she collared The Dean, then we'd all take a bow.

She had motive and opportunity.

Motive, maybe, but she never had opportunity.

I was with her the entire time, sir.

She never had a chance to plant a thing.

I respect your loyalty.

But I need you to double-check that Lucy is above board.

I'm not policing my partner, sir.

It's either that, or Counter Corruption march in,

and even when Lucy's found to be clean,

she has a stink on her for the rest of her career.

I'm asking you to do her a favour.

Is that an order?

If it makes you feel better.

HE SIGHS

You're a smart young woman, Rani.

So, I take it you realise

you and your friends are in a lot of trouble.

The Met have been after a London drug dealer

known as The Dean for years,

but could never pin anything on him, yet I've just arrested him

with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

How did I do that?

Knowing you, ma'am, it was by doing some bloody good police work.

Did you stop pulling over black men and start pulling over criminals?

Still using cassette tapes?

Where do you even buy them now?

I'd like my one phone call, please.

And it will be to a sex line, so I'll be needing some privacy.

You're saying, under caution, that you've had no dealings

with a drug dealer known as The Dean?

I'm saying that if I were a clever

and ambitious policewoman who'd just caught a major criminal

that the Met Police have been chasing for years...

..I wouldn't question how it happened.

I'd take the win.

I wouldn't question how it happened.

I'd take the win. DOOR OPENS

Burning the midnight oil?

Somebody's looking for a raise!

What are you listening to?

Just checking a few things before we testify.

Anything I can help with?

All set. Thanks.

So, how was tonight's lecture?

Instructive.

You should come sometime. You might learn something.

THEY CHUCKLE

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

DRAWER LOCK CLINKS

KEYPAD BEEPS

RINGING TONE

VOICEMAIL: Yo, you're calling Christian Taylor

but I can't chat, so leave your deets and I'll holla back.

PHONE BEEP

Thanks, love.

PHONE BUZZES

Hello?

Is this Rani?

PHONE BEEPS

Shit...

Stride in...to out, yeah?

In to out. Kind of push through it.

Push through what? What am I pushing through?

Push your stride! THEY LAUGH

Do you know what? I think I need a break.

That's probably a good idea. SHE LAUGHS

You did good, though. No.

I must've looked like such an idiot.

Nah, you...

You look cute. Mm.

I'd rather look...tough.

Don't think you can look tough on roller skates. Mm.

It's like being a gangster florist.

You know you've a better chance of impressing me with your cooking?

How's about I...cook you breakfast sometime?

That's very forward.

I mean, you could come over

at breakfast time sometime.

Mm-hm.

HE CHUCKLES

Do you know what?

On that note, I'm...I'm going to go.

I'm going to practise. You got this.

Yeah? Yeah.

Was that a push through? In to out.

In to out. In to out.

In to out.

Here we go. All right, I'm doing it!

PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES

Ben's phone.

RANI: Who is this?

Tori. Who's this?

Is Ben there?

Er, he'll be back in a minute.

I don't have a minute.

Can I take a message?

Tell him Rani called.

I have to deal with a loose end and I need to speak to him.

PHONE BEEPS

FUNKY MUSIC

MYRNA PANTS GENTLY

Are you OK? Yeah.

Shock to the system, that's all.

A good shock?

Happy tears.

Don't do the menopause, that's all, Sean.

I promise nothing. HE CHUCKLES

THEY CHUCKLE

So, you going to come round for breakfast sometime?

Yeah, I will.

Any allergies? Ibuprofen.

Well, I promise not to season our omelettes with Nurofen.

Much appreciated.

Goodnight.

For you. I thank you.

Hmm. We'll get you there.

Hmm. One day. SHE CHUCKLES

I'm sorry, I....

I forgot. Um, your phone rang...

..and I answered.

It was someone called Rani.

What did she want?

Something about dealing with a loose end.

She said she needed to speak to you.

Rani's my ex.

And I don't need to speak to her.

Not ever.

What was that for?

Being so honest.

Do you...

..want to come in?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, I do!

Who's Tori?

What? I called you last night and someone called Tori picked up.

She's a girl that I'm seeing.

For how long?

That's none of your business. How did you meet?

She works at a hotel across the road from my cafe.

Oh, right. OK. SHE SCOFFS

What? No, go on! Did she pass on my message? Yeah.

So why didn't you reply to me?!

Because I haven't heard from you for the past six months!

What was I supposed to do? Hmm?

Just drop everything because you ring?

You left him on a train and broke his heart! He was humiliated.

Exactly! Yeah.

Wait, what? Huh?

How do you...know?

Myrna told me. What...?

Myrna, how do you...? I heard it from John.

How do you know, John?

It's common knowledge, isn't it?

No, It's not. I haven't told anyone. Have you?

No. I heard the driver felt so sorry for you,

he let you have a go on the horn. That's not true.

I heard a little girl gave you her comfort blanket.

Well, that never happened.

I heard you were so fragile,

an old lady had to help YOU off the train.

That never happened! OK?

Look, can we just focus on the real issue here, which is...

..what happened to him last night?!

After I left Ben on the train,

I stole a car.

You stole a car?

I drove it to London, dumped it.

And with my cut of the money, I moved into a hotel.

I spent my time shopping, I got some tatts.

You said you were scared of needles.

I hit up some art galleries, went to some gigs.

Oh, did you see the virtual reality ABBA show?

No. Oh, I think you missed out there.

I hear it's like they're in the room! Greg!

Not appropriate.

I was just living my best life.

And last night, I met this guy and brought him back

to my hotel room...

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

BEN: Wait, wait...

You brought a guy that you just met

back to your hotel? Yeah. He was hot.

Oh, shit.

Can you jump to the nitty-gritty? I think she already did.

LIGHT MOANING The nitty-gritty of this!

Me and this guy worked up quite a thirst,

so I'm getting us a drink when there's a knock at the door.

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOOR LOCK RATTLES

Sh-sh-sh!

Sh. Sh-sh-sh.

Smiler says, "I know how you did it."

What? Did what?

"How you and your mates framed The Dean."

He tells me to meet him later that night, gives me an address.

And I go there early and watch him go inside.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

I follow him in and find him just lying on the floor.

I'm checking to see if he's conscious...

..and someone attacks me from behind.

YELLING

And at some point, the attacker stabs Smiler with my knife.

SLICING, GROANING

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your knife?

Yeah, a steak knife, I brought it from the hotel.

To a meeting?

Oh, yeah, I never leave for a meeting without keys, phone,

murder weapon!

It was for self-defence!

I didn't know what he was planning.

OK, so, this mystery man stabs Smiler. Then what?

Then I knock him out.

SHE YELLS

And I'm on my way out when Smiler calls out.

He's weak and he's wounded, but he manages to say...

Help me!

I get him into his car, and he's just...

..bleeding out in the back.

Like Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs?

What's that?

You've never seen Reservoir Dogs and you missed ABBA Voyage?

How are you living your best life? Greg!

Smiler is directing me to this backstreet doctor he knows.

Which way? Keep going straight. OK.

Oh, man!

And I'm just driving like a maniac.

Where am I going?

And then I look back...

..and he is gone.

DOOR RATTLES Oh!

DIANE: Why's this door locked?

BANGING ON DOOR

Open this door!

WHISTLING

What's going on?

What's going on in here?

Yeah.

We're just consolidating the...chicken feed.

But why is the door locked?

Cos pigs...they come in and...eat it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I see...

..everything.

All right?

So, less skiving in a shed,

more manure being spread.

Understand?

Good.

And get that hay put away.

MYRNA GASPS

Why did Rani have to bring the body here?

We were in the clear.

Now we're in Weekend At Bernie's!

What do you lot think of her story?

It's about as convincing as a Melania Trump orgasm.

You think she's capable of making all that up?

I think she is capable of anything.

But why would she kill Smiler?

When she called me last night,

she said she was "dealing with a loose end".

She killed Smiler because he knows what we did.

So, what are we saying? That...that Smiler's death was premeditated?

That Rani's a stone-cold psychopath now?

Maybe she always was.

What do you mean?

One minute she's a shoplifter,

next minute she's running a drug empire.

She threatened people with violence,

she walked out on her family, she walked out on you.

To me, that is pretty cold behaviour.

You know how you can tell if someone's a psychopath?

If everybody yawns, but one person doesn't, that indicates

a lack of empathy, which is the mark of a psychopath.

Who told you that? Idris Elba.

In an episode of his hit show Luther.

We're not mates. I wish.

We need to get that body back in that car.

No, we just moved it from the car!

Why did we do that? Because Rani told us to.

Yes, but why? Why?

She knows we can't keep it here.

She's trying to incriminate us.

She wants our DNA all over the body so we won't go to the police.

Come on. Come on.

Do you know what the three Ps of policing are?

I feel like I do, yes. Yeah? What are they?

Police station. No.

Police dogs. No.

Police car. No.

Persistence, persistence, persistence.

That is genius! Did you make that up? Definitely.

You should write a book.

Yeah, already have. Self-published.

It's about how I changed my life around from bad girl to badass.

What's the title? My Struggle.

Isn't that what 'Mein Kampf' means?

Yeah, but I don't speak German, so how was I supposed to know?

Diane! Oh, DS Selforth.

You've met my new gay underling, Stanley?

Stanley, Detective Sergeant Selforth. Hi.

You're the first policeman I've met who's not a stripper. Ooh!

Diane, I need to ask you a few questions.

Absolutely, sir. Just go that way.

DS Selforth works with my best friend, Sergeant Lucy Haines.

She and I are a bit like Cagney and Lacey.

He's more like the original Cagney that was fired

after season one. You know, solid, just not the same chemistry.

Who are Cagney and Lacey?

SHE SCOFFS

I've got so much to teach you.

GRUNTING

LOUD THUD

What are you doing?

We're putting the body back to the car.

No. No, no, no, no. I told you, you can't. The car is hot.

Well, he can't stay here!

DIANE: Having discovered the plastic egg, I suspected

that illicit drug activities were happening

at the community centre.

Sergeant Haines concurred with my findings and deputised me,

so that I was her eyes and ears.

She didn't have that authority.

Oh, well, it was an unauthorised deputization.

But it still counts. Slay.

During the day of the grand opening,

was there any point when your offenders went unsupervised?

No, sir.

All day I was like a hawk...

..crossed with an owl, cos my head was turning 360 degrees.

It's actually a misconception that owls' heads can turn 360 degrees.

Who are you? David Attenborough?

You told Sergeant Haines that you never

let the offenders out of your sight.

No, sir. An ant did not wipe its arse without me knowing.

Brilliant!

You never took, say, a bathroom break?

Who told you that?

Told me what?

Never mind.

Diane, it's imperative that you're totally frank with me.

Fine.

I was approached by one of the offenders,

Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe, and she...

You supervised Lady Gabby?

Oh, my God, I love her TikTok!

I mean, her tips on anal bleaching literally saved my life.

DIANE: Yeah. She and me are like that. Oh!

But I do not fraternise with criminals.

Although we are close. Ah.

Mm. Just so I can keep an eye on her.

The bathroom break?

Yeah. So, Lady Gabby approached me and informed me

that a temporary lavatory had been desecrated by vomit.

Er, but I soon discovered that it was, in fact, soup,

whereupon a malfunctioning door lock detained me inside...

..briefly.

You got trapped in a Portaloo?

Briefly.

After leaving the Portaloo,

I assume you did a head count?

Er...no. No?

Look, have you ever tried maintaining law and order

with minestrone sloshing round your gusset?

Hmm? No, I have not.

Yeah. It ain't pretty.

I need to speak to your offenders.

I need to speak to the offenders.

Er, is...is 'gusset' one S, two Ts?

Don't put that down!

STRAINING

GATE SQUEAKS

Hey, guys! Oh, Gabby!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Gather, gather, gather.

Gabby, what...what the fuck are you doing here?

Well, I need some advice from my very dear friends.

Now, I had this message from a fan on Instagram.

She's a medical student and she'd seen my post,

about, you know, the polyps I had removed from my womb. Huh...

She said it's quite likely that the polyps will return,

so I went to the doctor this morning,

and it turns out there's only a really small window

in which my uterus can grow a foetus. Like, eight weeks.

Now, my doctor didn't tell me this. So, what do I do?

What are you asking us, Gabby?

Well... Oi! Why are you here?

Diane! Oh, shit, they're onto us.

Oh, my God! I love you!

Oh, that's so sweet!

I can't believe that you're here!

I mean, this is more exciting than when I saw Keira Knightley

in a Timpson's getting a key cut.

Can I get a selfie? Er, no, Stanley. Not appropriate.

You've already finished your hours. Go!

OK. I need to talk to her.

Er, stay! All right.

When was the last time any of you saw Rani Rekowski?

Who? Rani? Wait, what's it?

Ask him. He and Rani lived together.

DS SELFORTH: Have you seen or spoken to her recently?

No, not for the past six months.

She dumped him on a train.

Is it true that the lady with the trolley

gave you a free can of Boddingtons?

No! Oh.

It was a hot chocolate and a flapjack.

GABBY: Wait, Rani dumped you on a train?

Guys, why am I always the last to hear about everything?

MYRNA: Why are you asking about Rani?

DS SELFORTH: Police business. It's very important I find her.

Gabby! Er...

Um, will you please tell us about your uterus, please?

Well, I had these polyps removed...

She mentioned this on TikTok!

And, basically, if I ever want to have a baby,

then I have to get pregnant in the next two months.

Oh, God, I knew those polyps were trouble!

I know, right? You know I thought I'd have more time, to be honest.

So...what do I do? Should I have a baby?

Yes! You think I should?

Yeah, defo have that baby.

STAN: I mean, you'd be an amazing mum, because lately

you've really turned an emotional corner.

Do you think so? Just a bit!

Oh, good, because I wasn't sure.

Because, you know, I'm only six months sober,

I'm in a brand-new relationship and what kind of mother would I be?

You know, my own mother killed herself.

Nice!

What?

Is any of this useful, sir? No.

You're dismissed. Oh, but, Diane...

Do you want five more hours? No.

Everyone else, back to work.

BEN: Good day, Diane.

Did you ever witness any private meetings

between Sergeant Haines and Rani Rekowski?

Negative, sir.

Sir, what is this about? Can't say.

You know I'm a fully qualified PCSO now. I can help.

Yes, you can, by notifying me

if you see or hear anything suspicious.

Are you unofficially deputising me, sir?

No. Oh, OK.

I'm happy to surveil the offenders, un-deputised.

Ta-ra.

Now you'll see how real police work is done.

By a real policeman. No, by me!

SHE SNIFFS I can sniff out crime like...

Like puke in a Portaloo? No. A bloodhound.

Let me tell you, the stench of crime is in the air,

and I'm like... A big Febreze? Yeah!

Hey! Make up your minds! Is that hay going in or out?

JOHN: Going in. GREG: In, I think...

Oi, go on, then!

Are you OK? They're useless, aren't they?

DISTANT STRAINING

All this moving of bodies...

I'm exhausted! HE YAWNS

SHE YAWNS Me too.

HE YAWNS I'm plum tuckered out.

HE YAWNS

Oh, yeah. Your ex is a total psycho! Mm-hm.

HE GRUNTS

HE GROANS

HE EXHALES SHARPLY

You bought a motorbike.

Yeah.

I don't like trains.

Yeah...

STRAINING

Shit.

SHOVELS STRIKE

OWL HOOTS

I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind!

GREG: This ground's rock-solid. We're never burying him here.

MYRNA: Have you got a better idea?

Could we feed him to some kind of animal?

Oh, yeah, very good. Let's just take him to the zoo, shall we,

throw him to the lions?

I'll bring my kids, make a day of it.

I can't believe we are burying a body for a murderer!

I can. Rani was right. We're all involved.

Yeah, if the police find this body,

they'll dig up everything we've done.

Wait! Aren't we supposed to cut off the hands and feet or something?

What? No. Do we?

Hey, Google, how do you dispose of a corpse?

Don't say that into your phone! No.

Yeah, come on. Let's just get this hole dug.

Yeah. Feel free to join in!

Oh, I can't dig. I did my back in.

How?

Sex.

With whom? An old flame.

Sean.

Supposed to be our second date tonight.

Oh, well, thanks for cancelling...

..so you could come down and do sod all.

Speaking of relationships...

..I ran into your wife in a pub.

I do let her out from time to time.

Yeah, but she said something really strange.

She said, "Tell John I hope he's well."

Yeah, she can be quite formal, Ruth.

Everything all right? Everything's great.

Are you sure? Never surer.

Hi, love. I haven't spoken to you since lunchtime.

Just wondering what you had for din-dins.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, all right. Call me back.

It's your boyfriend.

Greg.

Dillard.

PHONE BEEPS

What? I'm sorry, mate.

My grave digging interrupting your love life?

OWL HOOTS

STRAINING

So, where are you going to go after this?

Back to your mum and dad's?

No, I'm not going to drag them into this again.

No? OK. Er...

..hotel?

No. I can't have my credit card showing up anywhere.

All right. So...so, where?

No. No. Oh, come on, please?

No, Rani, no!

Just till I know no-one's looking for me. Please!

Fine.

I don't deserve you!

THEY GRUNT

BUBBLING

RAPID BUBBLING

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