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NARRATOR: It has been said that magic vanished from our world

a long time ago,

and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires

through the power of wishes.

To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes,

submitted here is the story of a little boy

and a magical Christmas wish

that changed his life forever.

It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.

It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits.

That special time of year

when Boston children gather together

and beat up the Jewish kids.

Hey, Greenbaum!

Uh-oh.

Get him!

(KIDS YELLING)

But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits.

Little John Bennett,

that one boy in every neighborhood

who just has a tough time making friends.

Hey, GUYS, can I play?

Get out of here, Bennett.

Get lost, Bennett!

Get out of here, Bennett!

Yeah, Bennett get lost.

(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

John longed with all his heart

for that one, true friend that he could call his own.

And he knew that if he ever found that friend,

he would never let him go.

Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.

All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee.

And for little John Bennett,

Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.

Wow! (JOHN'S DAD CHUCKLES)

I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh?

Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!

He talks!

(JOHN'S DAD LAUGHS)

I'm going to name you Teddy.

NARRATOR: John became instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something about that bear

that made him feel as if he finally had a friend

with whom he could share his deepest secrets.

RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!

I love you, too, Teddy.

You know, I wish you could really talk to me.

Because then, we could be best friends forever and ever.

NARRATOR: Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,

it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.

Except an Apache helicopter.

An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.

It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry,

an absolute death machine.

Well, as it turned out,

John picked the perfect night to make a wish.

Teddy?

Teddy?

Teddy?

Hug me.

(SCREAMS)

You're my best friend, John.

Did you... Did you just talk?

Don't look so surprised.

You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?

Yeah. I did wish for it.

Well, here I am.

You mean, we get to be best friends for real?

For real.

Forever and ever?

Sounds good to me.

NARRATOR: John was just about the happiest boy in the world

and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.

Mom, Dad, guess what? My teddy bear's alive!

(CHUCKLES)

Really? Well, isn't that exciting.

No, Mom, he's really alive. Look.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

(SCREAMING) (DISHES SHATTERING)

Jesus H. Fuck!

Let's all be best friends.

Oh, my God!

John, get away from that thing. Get over here right now.

But, Dad... Get over here!

JOHN'S MOM: Listen to your father! Come here!

Helen, get my gun. Dad, no!

Is it a hugging gun?

Helen, get my gun, and call the police!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I didn't mean to scare anybody.

I just wanted John and I to be friends.

Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive

and my wish came true.

Oh, my God!

It's a miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

You're just like the Baby Jesus.

NARRATOR: Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle

was sweeping the nation.

Out of a Boston suburb

comes what is, without a doubt, the most incredible story...

A young boy's stuffed animal

has magically come to life for, as yet, unknown reasons...

Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!

NARRATOR: Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity

in his own right.

(APPLAUSE)

Hello, Teddy.

(CHUCKLING) You... you are a... You surprise me.

For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.

I thought you were going to be funnier.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: But through all the fame,

Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.

The thunder can't get us, right?

Nope, we're thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it.

We're totally safe. (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Teddy?

Yeah, John?

Do you promise we'll always be together?

I promise.

(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)

Thunder buddies for life.

Thunder buddies for life.

And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.

So, where are John and Teddy today?

Well, let me put it this way.

No matter how big a splash you make in this world,

whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,

or a talking teddy bear,

eventually, nobody gives a shit.

(WATER BUBBLING)

(COUGHS)

Do I dare look at the clock?

Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole,

a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.

No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.

They're not that bad.

See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad

means that they are that bad.

Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?

(IN BOSTON ACCENT) Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Harder! Harder!

Oh, God, that was so good!

Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm!

(COUGHS)

Jesus, this is weak.

It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.

It's working for me.

I think it sucks. I'm going to have a talk with him.

I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.

No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9/11.

You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11. I got to get high."

Is it 9:30? Yeah.

Shit, I got to get to work!

I don't know if I can drive!

It's okay, I'll drive you. I feel fine.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Fuck! Shit.

Oh, man!

TED: Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That car just came out of nowhere.

God, is it bad?

Oh, man!

John! May I speak with you, please?

Shit.

It's all right, go, go, go. I'll pull out of here.

Hi, Thomas, how are you?

(METAL SCRAPING)

MAN: asshole!

TED: That's my bad. I was sending a tweet.

John, it's almost 10:00.

I know, sir, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault.

What do you mean?

(STAMMERS)

I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.

John, all you got to do is not fuck up

and you get my job when I go to corporate next month.

You're the new branch manager.

All you've got to do is not fuck up.

I realize that. Good.

Glad to hear it.

Because in a month, my life could be your life.

A cushy, $38,000-a-year branch manager

who's personal friends with Tom Skerritt.

Not a bad life, is it?

No.

I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people

because I don't want them treating me differently.

Boom. That's me and Skerritt.

Wow.

Goddamn right, "Wow."

I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car

and for showing up late today, all right?

Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.

I will, sir, I promise.

I'm not going to let you down, Goose.

What?

Top Gun.

So?

Tom Skerritt.

I know that.

Get out of here, okay?

Thank you, sir.

All right, here's your keys, your rental agreement,

complimentary map of Boston.

Thank you for choosing Liberty. Drive safely.

Thanks. Thanks so much.

I heard you got busted.

Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man. What happened?

I don't know, I got fucking wasted last night.

My phone says I texted someone at 3:15, asking them to beat me up.

And then, at 4:30, I texted the same person saying, "Thanks."

And you don't remember it?

No, same as last time.

It just seems kind of gay, doesn't it?

I don't know. Maybe, yeah.

Well, do you think you're part of some gay beat-up underworld?

Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or something?

I don't know. I dig chicks, man.

I don't remember any of it. I was so fucked up.

I might be gay, I don't know.

Do you mind covering for me for a bit?

I might go lay down in the john.

Hey, buddies. Where is it hanging?

Hey, Alix, what's up? You get in the club last night?

I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche-face.

But I made friends in the line.

That's good, I guess.

Hey, guys, anybody know a nice restaurant,

like something where they give out

free bubblegum in the bathrooms?

For what?

Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow.

I want to take her someplace really nice.

Aw, congratulations, John.

GUY: You guys have been going out for four years?

My longest relationship was like six months

and then she farted in her sleep.

I'm like, "I'm out of here, man." I was gone before she woke up.

You're not very tolerant, huh?

Lori ever fart in front of you?

Yeah.

Really? Yeah, many times.

You Italian? No.

Why?

Never mind. Take her to Benihana.

John, look, don't you think after four years

maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?

Like what?

I don't know, but if it were me, I'd be expecting a proposal.

Come on, nobody's expecting anybody to propose.

I mean, marriage isn't...

Isn't love enough? I submit that love is enough.

You can put the ring in her ass, let her fart it out.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

So bad, but so good.

(COUGHS)

Hey, by the way, don't let me forget,

you and I got to nail down a plan

for the Bruins game tomorrow night.

No, I can't. I'm taking Lori to dinner.

For what?

Well, we've been dating four years tomorrow.

Oh, fuck me. Nice.

Let me ask you something.

You don't think she's going to be

expecting something big, do you?

What, like anal?

No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.

Oh, fuck that! It's been four years, Johnny.

You and me have been together for 27 years.

Where's my ring? Where's my ring, asshole?

Where's my ring, motherfucker? Stop it. Come on!

Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!

(LAUGHS) All right, knock it off!

All right, I'm just saying.

But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?

No, I don't think she is. And, not only that, it's the wrong time.

It's a terrible idea. I mean, you got the economy.

You got the credit bubble, the Supreme Court.

I mean, look at Haiti.

I guess I didn't think about that.

Well, that's... It's a factor.

Who are you?

Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.

This is the American fantasy, right here.

A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world.

Tom Brady could do that. Tom Brady could do that!

Hey. Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Lori-.

Hi. Hi.

What do you got there?

Turkey burgers.

Are we having homosexuals over for dinner tonight?

Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

Whoa! Whoa!

You kind of just reworded my joke, but, uh... (CHUCKLES)

How was work?

It was fine.

How's your dickhead boss?

Rex is fine.

He only hit on me once today, so, it's a good thing.

Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?

A couple of Charles Brew-kowskis?

Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

That's a good one.

You know what, I think I, too, want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

No, that doesn't work.

Don't ruin it. No.

Bullshit! That totally works.

TED: No, no.

Yeah, it does. It doesn't work.

The name has to have a "ski" at the end of it

and you just put "brewski" at the end of "Martina Navratilova," so...

I just thought we were saying funny names.

No, it has to have a "ski" at the end of it.

Otherwise, where's the challenge?

If there's no "ski" at the end of the root word

then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.

Hey.

They found the missing hikers.

They did?

Yeah. What happened?

They said they got separated

and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock

for like, five days.

Wow. Mmm.

You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock

I'd chew it off to get you free.

You would?

I sure would.

Is that cannibalism?

No, I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Oh, yeah, no!

Don't worry about that, because I don't swallow.

Really? 'Cause that's not what I heard.

Well, it's not true, okay? I'm a classy broad.

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

I can see that. (SIGHS)

Listen, speaking of classy,

Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant.

So, we can go anywhere else tomorrow.

I really don't care, as long as we're together.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no. Four years, we've been going out.

I'm taking you to the best place in town.

You know I love you.

I love you, too. (LAUGHING) And you're nasty.

Do you want to get nasty?

You're a nasty girl.

(THUNDER CRASHING) (SCREAMS)

I don't understand.

Thirty-five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder.

I am not!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny? Fucking right.

Let's sing the thundersong. All right.

BOTH: (SINGING) When you hear the sound of thunder Don't you get too scared

Just grab your thunder buddy And say these magic words

Fuck you, thunder You can suck my dick

You can't get me, thunder 'Cause you're just God's farts

(BOTH IMITATE FARTING)

Ugh!

TED: Hey, Lori, can you set the alarm for 11:00 a.m.?

I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

WOMAN: Good morning, Lori.

Good morning.

(SIGHS)

Okay. You okay there, sweetheart?

(GRUNTS) You look a little flustered.

I'm fine, I'm fine,

I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full,

oh, and that's right, my boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm

without his teddy bear.

I don't understand why you keep putting up with him.

Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's working for a rental car service.

You know, you guys, it's really not about that.

I don't care about that. I mean, I'd love him if he was a janitor.

I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot.

It's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in Boston.

I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.

Our life. And he can't.

And, I swear to God, it is because of that bear.

You should give him an ultimatum. It's you or the bear.

No, I can't do that. That would devastate him.

Besides, what if he chose Ted?

Well, hello there.

Sorry if I'm interrupting any private girl-talk

about Channing Tatum's index finger.

But, Lori, I need to see you in my office.

Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to...

Oh, this is work, I swear.

(SIGHS)

Great.

Good luck. Thank you.

He's such an asshole.

Out of control. He's such a sleaze.

A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo.

Check this out.

That's me on the high school diving team.

We dove the shit out of that pool that year.

You promised me this was about work.

Lori, why don't you like me? Ugh!

I'm rich, I'm good-looking, my dad owns the company.

I have a boyfriend. I have told you this.

Yeah, the guy with the bear.

But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori.

If we were together, our babies would be spectacular.

With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of

dark, beautiful, smoky...

Baltic? Czech?

Goodbye, Rex.

(SOFT PIANO PLAYING)

LORI: Oh!

Okay, that was perfect.

Would you like me to wrap your leftovers?

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Actually, could you wrap just this up for me?

I want to scare the shit out of somebody.

Sure.

What are you, five years old?

JOHN: Yeah.

But I read at a six-year-old level, so...

(LAUGHING)

Sir, and madam, here is your dessert

and champagne.

(GASPS) Ooh!

Cristal.

It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.

And hey, all those rich black people can't be wrong, right?

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

It doesn't feel like four years, does it?

No, it doesn't.

You know, you had no business being out on that dance floor,

but I'm really happy that you were.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

This song is so great.

Oh, yeah. Chris Brown can do no wrong.

Wow, you can really move.

You like that, huh? Check this shit out.

Oh, my God!

Are you okay? (GROANING)

Oh, God, lam so sorry.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Jesus, lam so sorry. I didn't see you. It was an accident.

Did you hurt your head?

Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.

Cw!

Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?

No. It's fine.

Okay, here's a test to see how much you actually care about me.

You remember that night, after the club

we went and had late-night eggs and waffles until about 5:00 a.m.

We watched a movie on the little TV in the diner.

Name that movie.

Octopussy.

(GASPS) Baby! Gold star.

And, by the way, my dancing was not that bad.

It was pretty bad. I have cool moves.

Yeah, so do people with Parkinson's.

That's not how I remember it.

Okay, how do you remember it?

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, whatever you say.

Hey Yes?

Here's to four more years.

Okay. You make me happy.

Now, I know we said no gifts, but...

We said no such thing.

I got you something anyway, in clear violation of the "no gift" rule.

We had no such rule.

Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.

John“.

Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall.

Yeah.

You know, Lori,

someday, there's going to be a ring in there.

But I want to wait until I get you something really special.

I just don't have the money right now.

Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.

You're not going to have any sort of career

if you keep wasting time with Ted.

Oh, jeez, here we go.

Baby, please ask Ted to move out

so we can move on with our lives.

Lori, look, he's been my best friend since I was eight.

I was not a popular child.

You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along.

He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence.

But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old.

And unless you're too blind to notice,

he's not your only friend anymore.

Can we talk about this another time,

and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

(LORI CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, shit, hang on a second.

Now my phone fell under the seat somewhere.

Can you call it?

Yeah.

(DIALING)

(OMINOUS RING-TONE PLAYING)

Is that my ringtone?

Oh, yeah.

What is it? 'Cause it sounds negative.

No, no, it's from The Notebook.

Oh.

This is going to take some doing, I think.

I'll just meet you upstairs then?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Lori, hey, you're home early.

What the hell is this?

The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill.

Adam Sandier plays a guy and his sister, and it's just awful.

It's unwatchable.

But, they're hookers, so it's fine.

This place is a wreck. Who are these girls?

Oh. Where are my manners?

Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.

I love you girls.

You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers

I wish I could thank for this great night.

What is that?

What is what?

There is...

...a shit on my floor.

In the corner, there is a shit!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were playing truth or dare

and Cherene's pretty ballsy.

There is a shit on my floor!

"Or is the floor on the shit?" is what Kierkegaard would say.

(JOHN ROARS) (LAUGHS)

JOHN: Who lives here? I'm coming to get whoever lives here.

You owe me lobster money.

(LAUGHS) That's my buddy, Johnny.

Not the lobster, the guy running it.

I found my phone.

What's going on?

Is that a shit?

God, there are some fucked-up fish out there.

Look at that one. WASP-y, white-guy fish.

"I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret."

Oh, look at this guy.

"I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe."

(SIGHS)

Ted, you gotta move out.

What?

It's got to happen.

What did I do?

My relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know.

Lori and I may just need a little space right now.

Plus, a hooker took a shit in our apartment.

Oh, God! Ah, what?

Oh, this is so gross!

Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it! Did you get it?

No, I didn't get it! Tell me when you get it!

Oh, my God, I got some on my thumb!

No! You can never cook with that hand again!

Oh, my God! You have to learn to cook left-handed.

This is the most disgusting thing ever!

Don't! Get it away from me!

Look, that was a tough night for all of us.

Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori.

I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.

(SIGHS)

She's making you do it, isn't she?

Yes.

But that doesn't mean we can't hang out. We'll hang out all the time.

Yeah, but what about "thunder buddies for life," Johnny?

I know. I just don't know what to do, here.

I know it sucks, but otherwise I'm going to lose her.

And I do love her, Ted.

I know you do, Johnny.

I'll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.

I know. And we'll hang out all the time, right?

All the time.

Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.

Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.

RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!

Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's the thing from the...

The old... Yeah, yeah.

I'm not gay. I know.

And you're not gay, so we're fine.

We gotta get you a job.

I look stupid.

No you don't. You look dapper.

I don't. I look like Snuggle's accountant.

Come on, it's not that bad.

John, I look like something you give your kid

when you tell him Grandma died.

Look, I know it sucks, okay?

But you've got to make some money

so you can pay for an apartment.

I don't want to work at a grocery store.

Yeah, but you have no skills.

I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.

You get the job, we're celebrating after, okay?

Uh-huh. And if I don't get the job,

are we still going to smoke that pot?

Probably, yes.

Uh-huh. Okay, all right. Good talk, coach, thanks.

All right, buddy, go get 'em.

And don't worry, I'll do my very best

to get this job that I so crave.

So you think you got what it takes?

I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.

Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.

That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.

You're hired.

Shit.

Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job.

This is how the cast of Diff'rent Strokes feels.

All day, every day. Just awful.

They must feel awful. The live ones must feel awful.

Come on. It's not that bad, okay?

I got a shitty job, and I assure you, lam quite content.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you

but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Yeah. I'm Donny, this is Robert.

I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy

and I remember seeing you on the Carson show.

You were just wonderful.

Oh, yeah, that was a weird interview.

Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.

He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.

Have you ever considered selling the bear?

What? Excuse me?

I want it.

I'm not an "it," pal. I'm a "he," all right?

I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale.

See, I've had him since I was about your age.

He's very, very special to me.

Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

Why the fuck would he say that?

Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

Look, we're very interested in the bear.

If you want to make some sort of arrangement

here's my address and phone number.

And you can call me any time, okay?

Will do.

Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. See you later.

Come on, Robert.

TED: Take it easy.

What the fuck?

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?

I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement

and really slowly de-limbing you

while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.

(SINGING) Oh, my little sixpence My pretty little sixpence

Stop it. Knock it off.

I love my sixpence Better than my life

Stop it! Fuck! Why you got to take it to that place?

You took it to a very... Now it's real. Now it's a real thing.

Come on. Take it easy.

All right, look, let's just find a better place to get stoned.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

I guess this is it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

First night on your own.

Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.

It'll be great when it's furnished.

Yeah, and the guy said it ain't hardly had no murders in it.

So, that's good.

Okay, so, if you need anything...

Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Johnny, I'll be fine.

I know you will.

(SIGHS) All right.

Hey there.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, I just want to say thank you.

I know what you did with Ted wasn't easy,

and I just want you to know that I love you for it,

and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship.

Hey, anything for you.

This is all part of the new, grown-up adult John Bennett,

so you better get used to him.

Really?

Well, you know,

I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.

Well, that's perfect.

Because I'm only going to need one.

(LAUGHS)

You know what my favorite thing about you is?

That, even after four years, you can still surprise me.

To step up and change such a huge part of your life

just to make your girlfriend happier...

I don't know, I guess most guys wouldn't do that.

Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them.

I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,

but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me.

How do you know?

Oh.

Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,

or are you just happy to see me?

(ZAPPING) (LAUGHING)

There we go.

Thank you very much, please come again. We have a lot more groceries.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Ellen.

Yeah?

Who's that over there?

That's the new checkout girl.

Don't know her name. Seems cute.

Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her?

Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.

Hey, how are you holding up?

Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting used to things, that's all.

It's going to be all right.

I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend.

Really? Yeah.

We were together for eight months, and I really loved him.

And then he got deported back to Iran,

so I know what you're going through.

Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy.

We sure did.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny, what are you doing?

You want to come over and catch a buzz?

Well, I could probably stop by after work.

Fuck that. I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift.

Come on, I'm bored as crap over here. Just swing by for a bit.

I cannot just ditch work, man.

Look, I'm trying to get my shit together

and be an adult here, for Lori's sake.

John, five minutes and then I'll kick you out, I promise.

Just come over. I got the Cheers DVD box set

and the guy down at the store told me

that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews.

You'll kick me out in five?

I will kick you out in five. John, I have to kick you out.

I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to, it is sick.

What do I tell Thomas?

Just tell him you don't feel well.

I gotta cut out for a bit.

Lori tried to break up a dog fight

and I guess she got hurt pretty bad.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, that's the way she is.

She sees trouble and she wants to help out,

and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm

and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up

and stuck his finger in his ass.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, she's pretty shook up.

Up the dog's ass, right?

Yeah, up the dog's, not the fireman's ass.

I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.

No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.

Go, take care of it. Let me know how she is.

Thank you. Go.

(GROANS)

Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

See, that's why I watch these things.

That's like a cool behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.

Oh, hey, listen, try this.

I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

What is it?

It's called "Mind Rape." It's actually pretty mellow.

It doesn't sound very mellow.

Well, he only had three other batches.

"Gorilla Panic,"

"They're Coming, They're Coming,"

and something called, "This is Permanent."

Go on, spark it up.

(COUGHING)

There you go. You got it.

(LAUGHS)

Nice. Good, huh? Good job.

Yeah. Take pride in that.

You know, this place looks great.

Thanks, man, it's all IKEA.

Did the whole place for $47.

Nice. Yeah.

How are the neighbors?

You know, there's an Asian family living next door

but they don't have a gong or nothing, so it's not too bad.

That's lucky. Yeah, it is.

How's work? It sucks.

You?

You know, not bad actually.

I met a girl. She's a cashier.

No way, that's awesome! Yeah.

Well, we should fucking double-date, or something.

You, me and Lori, and what's her name?

White trash name. Guess.

Mandy? No.

Marilyn? No.

Britney? Tiffany? No. No.

Candice? No.

Don't fuck with me on this. I know this shit!

Do you see me fucking with you? All right, speed round.

I'm going to rattle off some names

and when I hit it, fucking buzz it.

I will tell you. You got me?

All right, Brandi, Heather, Channing,

Breanna, Amber, Sabrina, Melody,

Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal,

Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tami,

Lauren, Charlene, Chantal, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

Mindy, Noelle, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

Fucking Becky? No.

Wait, was it any one of those names with a "Lynn" after it?

Yes.

I got you, motherfucker.

I got you. Okay.

Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing... Tami-Lynn.

Fuck!

What the hell?

Hey, man, you think you can open more than one register?

There's, like, 1,000 people here.

There's supposed to be three registers open.

For God's sakes.

(WOMAN MOANING)

(TED GRUNTING)

TED: Stick your finger in the loop of my tag.

You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker

on top of the produce that we sell to the public.

I fucked her with a parsnip last week

and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

That took guts. We need guts.

I'm promoting you.

You got a lot of problems, don't you?

All right, Kareem!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Ah! You suck, Kareem.

(BOTTLE TINKLING)

Hello?

Huh.

Hey, Ted. (EXCLAIMS)

Hey there, fella. How are you?

Are you out here all alone?

Uh, no, no, I'm not.

You know, you're never alone when you're with Christ.

So, no, I'm not alone.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know, Robert and I could give you a very, very good home.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy where I am.

I just got a shitty new apartment...

I can offer you $6,000 in rail road bonds.

Well, you know, since I just returned

from active duty in the Civil War

that actually sounds very appealing.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

That was 150 years ago and I don't give a shit.

Okay.

Teddy, come on, we're going to be late for dinner with your friends.

Okay, be there in a second, baby.

As you can see, my dance card is quite full.

So, I'm going to have to decline.

Can I just get a hug?

Oh, uh. No.

Yeah. No, no.

And it kills me to have to tell you no, because I'm a people pleaser.

Yeah.

Thank you for creeping up my night.

And Jesus be with you... Okay.

...In Christ.

TAMI-LYNN: Who was that guy?

That was Sinead O'Connor.

She don't look so good no more.

How great is this? The four of us out to dinner.

How long have we been saying we were going to...

Lori, how you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever.

I'm good. I'm good.

The company's having their 20th anniversary party next week.

So, that's something.

Lori's a senior VP at a big, huge PR firm.

It's not that big of a deal.

Company's turning 20, huh?

So you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.

(LAUGHING) Right? Yeah, she gets it.

She enjoys my humor.

Yeah, Rex is having a house party

but I'm surprised John didn't tell you, considering

you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.

You know, it's funny, because whenever Johnny and I hang out

the first item on our agenda is,

"What's going on with Lori?"

So, it's funny that that didn't come up.

That must have slipped through the cracks.

Yeah, but we do talk about you all the time.

Yeah, you remember the other day, I was saying

how great Lori's hair always looks.

Oh, my God, it always looks so great!

I always want to fucking brush it.

Right, Johnny? I say that.

So, Tami-Lynn,

why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Like, where are you from?

I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

What do you mean "girlfriends"?

Was there a lot of them or something?

No, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori?

Lori, you didn't mean that. No, no,no.

What I meant to say was Ted's very handsome

so I'm always interested in meeting

the lady that can snatch him up.

Did you just call me a whore?

What?

You just worry about your own "snatch." How about that, honey?

Whoa! Whoa! JOHN: Whoa!

What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal here.

This was a nice evening.

Don't talk shit to me.

I just asked you a question.

You know, you're a freaking snob.

You think you're cool because you work

at some fucking fancy shit place, whatever.

Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori, real nice.

Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

Oh, fuck you!

Just because you're on the business world and shit you think, what,

everybody should suck your asshole, or something?

Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey. Let's get out of here.

We'll go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

You know what? I gave birth once, bitch.

I could kick your fucking ass.

And you better never show your face around Quincy, you hear me?

Okay, come on. Ever!

I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

(SIGHS)

What a cunt.

Ow! I hate that word!

What? That word.

It's so sharp, it's like an electric sword

slashing everything in its path.

Why would you say that?

You didn't exactly stand up for me.

I'm trying to walk a line, here.

I want to be fair to you and to him, you know?

I think you're being a little more fair to him.

Oh, come on.

You know, your boss called this morning asking me how my arm was.

Huh?

Yeah, because of that dog fight that I tried to break up.

Oh.

If I had to make a guess

I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse

to get out of work to go to Ted's.

Now, am I right?

I made you out to be a hero.

You know what, John, we asked Ted to move out

so we can give ourselves a chance without him.

You're not giving anything a chance

if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear.

You're right.

I've been getting stoned too much. I know that.

I've been bumming around with Ted too much. I know that, too.

You give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it.

John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddy bear.

I know, done. Man. Right here, in front of you, all right?

Look at these pecs. These are man pecs.

Look at the hair on my upper lip. That's man hair.

I just farted. That was a man fart.

(GIGGLES)

Fine, John, but this is, I swear to God, your last chance.

Trust me. I love you.

All right, I love you.

I love you so much. You won't be sorry, I swear.

Did you really just fart?

Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand.

I wonder who it's going to hit first.

So, if I told him once, I told him a million times

these numbers do not add up. (GAGGING)

Who did this to us?

God damn it! I'm here on business!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

LORI: All right, here we go.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm really glad that you came.

Me, too. Yeah?

Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass?

That won't affect your workplace chemistry, will it?

Please play nice.

For you, I will.

Thank you. Anything.

There she is. I was worried you weren't coming.

Hey, squirt, how you doing? Where's your bunny rabbit?

He's a bear.

Got it. Oh, my God! This house is fucking huge!

I know. Try not to get lost. Come on in.

(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Wow! Here are the ladies.

Look at you guys. You guys look amazing.

A little heavy on the eye makeup, but pretty good.

Thank you, Rex. Thank you.

You guys know Lori and Jim, right?

John.

You guys remember John. WOMEN: Hi.

Listen, why don't John and I go get a drink at the bar?

Sure.

Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy.

It's an old sweater, huh?

This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat.

I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction.

Wow, cool.

Yeah, cool.

These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

This is art. Get it?

These were John Lennon's glasses.

They're worth, like, a million dollars.

That's me and Tom Skerritt.

Oh.

Check this out.

It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

I had it freeze-dried and bronzed.

Every now and then when my life's

getting me down and things are tough,

I just come up here and I look at it.

And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don't.

So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How are things with you and Lori?

Things are great, actually.

That's great. That is great.

You know, Lori would hate me for saying this,

but she told me how you are at the office.

And, as one gentleman to another, I just want to say

I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.

(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERS)

I think I need to clear the air here a little.

Yeah, I'm kind of a fun-time boss and what-not.

But, look, man, I do that with everybody at the office.

I'm a kook.

I have no designs on your girlfriend.

We work together, and that's it.

I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl.

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.

Hey, Ted.

TED: Johnny, where are you? You got to get over here, man.

Why, what's going on?

Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing

with some people at my apartment.

And, John, Sam Jones is here.

What?

Sam Jones. Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.

Holy shit! What?

You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

My buddy's in town with his cousin,

and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones.

Sam Jones is here, and, John,

(WHISPERS) his hair is parted down the middle.

Just like in the movie.

Yes. Get over here right now.

Fuck, I can%!

I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation.

I can't.

John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years.

He taught us right from wrong, good from evil.

And that the word "acting" apparently

has an extremely broad definition.

Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John.

Come share this with me.

I'm coming.

Rex, I got to go.

I'll be back in 30 minutes tops, okay?

But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.

If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.

All right, this is one man to another.

I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you, as a man.

This is serious.

Dude, one man to another. I got you on this.

Thank you. I'll be back.

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Johnny, thank Christ you made it.

Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?

Okay, get ready.

Hey, Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) Flash!

A-ah!

Savior of the universe!

Flash!

A-ah!

He'll save every one of us!

Just a man with a man's courage

He knows nothing but a man

But he can never fail

No one but the pure in heart Can find the golden grail

How you doing? Good to meet you.

I thank you for saving every one of us.

Well, you're welcome.

(SQUEALS EXCITEDLY) He acknowledged it.

Let's do some shots.

With you?

Ch, my God, yes! Ch, my God, yes!

Let's go!

Thanks, Flash.

There you go, my friend. Thank you.

Death to Ming!

Yes!

You know, you guys seem pretty cool.

You like to party?

Uh...

Cocaine, right?

Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you never done it before.

Not recently, no.

I thought that was just for people in Florida.

You better follow me.

Come on.

Johnny, I'm frightened.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

We are going to party like the '80s.

Show us how, Flash.

It's easy.

We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

God, Johnny, I got so much energy.

We better start doing stupid shit.

(SINGING)

Look, Johnny, if we're ever going to

get serious about opening a restaurant

we got to start planning it now.

Italian. Italian, yes.

What's the special on Tuesdays? Eggplant parm.

Chopped salad, half price.

And it's a non-restricted place.

Yeah. What do you mean? Anybody can come.

Of course. Jews are welcome.

Well, yeah. Why wouldn't they be?

Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

Why even bring that up?

You don't bring it up, you just let them in.

Why mention it? No one will.

Why are we talking about it?

You're talking about it. I'm just saying, let them in.

Let them in. Right. Okay. Exactly. Good.

No Mexicans, though.

(SINGING)

This is how everybody sang in the '90s.

(SINGING)

Trust me, I can do this. Shut up.

Let him try it, man.

All right, fuck it.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

ALL: Go, go, go!

(SCREAMING)

You son of a bitch!

Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.

(SINGING)

Hey, Johnny, I just had a great idea.

Let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass.

Come on, I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin.

(SINGING)

You can do any '90s song with just vowels.

(SINGING)

A-E-I-O-U

See? There, proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.

You were right.

If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

Are you going to do it?

I'm going to punch through it.

Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

(PLASTER SMASHING) Oh, my God!

Yes! He did it!

(SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)

What the hell you problem?

You break my wall! I break you wall!

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Break his arm off!

We're going to die. We're all going to die.

Break this up, break this up.

Get him!

(YELLING)

MING: You break my wall! This my home long time.

You break my wall, you bastard men.

We're sorry, it was an accident, okay?

I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere.

Chill out. Can we just talk about this? What's your name? I'm John.

My name is Wan Ming.

Ming?

You pay many dollar for wall!

This bullshit! This all bullshit!

Death to Ming!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SQUAWKING)

(SNARLS)

(SCREAMS)

Rape!

(YELLING)

Sam, let him go.

You crazy! You crazy, man!

Come on, James Franco.

You pay for wall!

Move, sucker!

Greatest night ever!

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Hey, GUY-

What's going on?

This is Jared. He's the guy who beat me up.

And we're in love.

Huh?

Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.

I had no idea.

Hey, Jared, let's go grab another one of these.

SAM: How we doing, ace?

You coming down?

Yeah, I don't feel so good.

Give it a couple of hours. You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

You want a Xanax?

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

What?

I got to go.

Lori, I...

Lori!

Lori, wait, please.

Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...

John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.

Can I... Just give me the car keys.

Can I please just explain? No.

Look, I was...

I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you.

I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then Flash Gordon...

Just give me the car keys.

Lori.

Lori, please, I love you.

Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.

That guy from your office is in there on the couch

making outwith that Van Wilder-looking guy.

You know what? Fuck you. I don't even want to talk to you.

What?

Do you know what just happened?

Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!

Come on. She'll go home,

she'll watch Bridget Jones- something-asshole.

She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow.

Come on upstairs. Are you even listening to me?

Do you give any shred of a shit?

Of course I do, Johnny.

"Thunder buddies for life," remember?

Jesus! Lori was right.

I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago.

I'm never going to have a life with you around.

I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere.

All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

Because of that, I just lost the love of my life.

Johnny, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.

John, wait. Listen.

RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!

So, word through the grapevine is that you're

newly solo.

Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.

I have tickets to Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight

and I would love it if you would go with me.

You're asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?

Look, I'm going to cut the shit, here.

Please.

This is the first time that you've been single

in all the years you've worked here.

Just go out with me one time.

And if you're miserable and you hate it

then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again.

Please.

Rex, I don't think it's smart.

I'm an asshole, I know that.

It worked for me in high school,

and it's been a reflex ever since.

Lori, the worst that can happen

is that you go on a fun, casual date

with a guy who just wants a chance

to prove that he can be something more than a jerk.

Plus, you are a huge catch.

And it's about time someone treated you that way.

(SIGHS) Fuck it. Fine.

Fine. It sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night.

And if that means getting you off my back,

well, that's just a bonus.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Johnny. It's me.

Go away.

Johnny, open the door, please, I want to talk.

(GRUNTING)

Jesus Christ! What the fuck, man?

Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right?

But just listen to me for five seconds.

I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

What?

I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her

and maybe take some of the heat off you.

And there he was, picking her up.

They were going to the Hatch Shell.

You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?

How stupid do you think I am?

If you think that by making shit like that up

you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you

over her you're out of your fucking mind.

Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.

You know what? Get out of here.

You know what? You're acting like a cock. You know that?

What? I'm acting like a cock?

Yes, you are.

So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.

Huh? Meat hole? What?

That's not right, is it? No.

"Pudding hole"? Is that what they say?

No, it can't be that either.

Because, "How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

(CHUCKLES) Right? Pink Floyd.

Look, the point is, you're blaming me

for something that you did to yourself.

Lori was right about you.

You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

Oh, and you can?

I don't have to. I'm a fucking teddy bear.

You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party.

I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.

You can't stand there and tell me

that you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship.

It works out so much better for you

when you and I are getting fucked up

on the couch at 9:00 a.m., doesn't it?

(SCOFFS) Listen to yourself.

What am I? Emperor Ming, here, controlling your mind?

That's your choice, John.

And by blaming me, you, you're just

making yourself look like a pussy.

Sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning

when I was eight years old.

I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Say that one more time.

Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

JOHN: Shit!

(GROANING)

Fuck, man!

(PANTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(COUGHS)

Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

Fucking stop! Fuck!

(GROANS)

(COUGHS)

(SOBBING) Why are you crying?

My dick is squished by the TV.

I'm so sorry, Johnny.

So am I, man.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Listen.

You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.

There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.

No, John. We can get her back.

Look,

you remember when you were 10,

and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun?

And then when we saw it fall from the tree,

we both started crying, you remember?

And then we ran up to it

and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life.

John, we could do that again.

Ted,

we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR.

It died.

Come on. We're going to the Hatch Shell.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah!

Thanks. We're going to take a short break, but we'll be back in a few.

TED: Play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut.

Teddy!

(LAUGHS)

How are you?

How are you doing, you fuzzy little asshole?

Well, I'm not a hot, half-Muslim chick

who sold 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

Half-Indian, but thanks.

Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9/11.

Listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right?

John Bennett, Norah Jones.

Hi, Norah Jones.

Hey, there, sweaty.

You ready to bring down the house?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you for the opportunity, Miss...

Ma'am Jones. Thank you.

Jesus, you look fantastic.

Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

Yeah, I know, right?

Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house

and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

You know, I have written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

NORAH: Thank you.

Now, I'm going to give my chops a rest

and bring a friend up to the stage.

He's going to sing a song to a special lady

in the audience who he loves very much.

Please give a big hand to John Bennett.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

I gotta fuck her again.

Uh...

Hi, my name is John Bennett,

and this is for Lori Collins.

Because I love you.

This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life.

The night we met.

This is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

(PLAYING THEME SONG)

(SINGING) All I wanted was a sweet distraction For an hour or two

Had no intention to do

Still better than Katy Perry.

Funny how it always goes with love

When you don't look, you find

But then we're two of a kind

(IN FALSETTO) We move as one

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

We're an all time high

You suck, get off the stage!

Come on. Give him a chance.

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES BOOING)

Doing so much more

You're an asshole!

Than falling...

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Jesus!

Someone call an ambulance!

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING)

REX: That was insane.

Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground?

He was like a ragdoll.

Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.

Do you want to go get a drink after this?

I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die.

(CLEARS THROAT) No, I think I'd rather just have you take me home.

One drink. Come on.

No, not really feeling up to it.

All right, I get it.

And, you know, I don't blame you.

I mean, when you think about it,

it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.

Just to be clear, I'm not embarrassed.

Listen, John and I may have our problems, but at least he tried.

You know what? I don't feel like talking to you about this.

Where are you going?

Taking a cab. I'm going home.

(FARTING)

Finally.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

TED: Down here.

Not looking up your towel. Swear to God.

Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.

Ted, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Listen, if you're here to fight John's battles for him...

Look, just let me talk first, all right?

And then you can say whatever you want.

(SIGHS) Look, John loves you very much,

more than anything in the world,

and he's falling to fucking pieces without you.

He knows he screwed up huge

but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault.

I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's and he said, "No."

He said "no," he was going to stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

So, if you just give him one more chance

I promise I will leave and I'll never come back.

All right? He'll be all yours.

Ted, that's a really nice offer,

but I don't want you to do that.

This is between John and me and I don't think it can be fixed.

Yeah, because of me!

Look, Lori, you want him to be a man.

But as long as he's got his teddy bear,

he's always going to be a boy.

He's waiting down at Charlie's right now.

So, if you go down there and just talk to him

I'll be gone when you get back.

Forever.

And, you'll see,

he'll never be scared of thunder again.

"Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

My God, America is imploding.

Hi, Ted.

Fuck!

Lori, what...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You can thank Ted.

Should I sit?

Yeah, if you want.

Okay.

So, work's good? Everything good, there?

Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

I guess we can't make small talk all day, huh?

If it's okay with you, I just want to say what I want to say.

I could sit here and tell you I'm sorry,

it was a huge misunderstanding,

and I'm ready to change,

but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap.

I'm not going to try to get you to take me back.

Why would you?

I've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years.

I don't deserve you.

I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but, Lori,

I do love you more than life itself.

All I want is... I just want to end on good terms.

I owe that to you.

I want you to be happy. You deserve that.

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.

Thank you for being so honest.

That's pretty much it.

Thanks for coming by.

(TED GRUNTING)

TED: Whoa!

Yeah, as you can see

you've been a part of our family for quite some time.

Welcome home.

Yeah, it's kind of funny, actually.

I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.

Is he all mine, Daddy?

Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.

Ted, you've arrived at a lucky time.

It's almost Robert's play hour.

Yeah, I'm guessing you guys don't have a PS3.

I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden horse with a wig" kind of family.

Yeah.

No. Yeah. No.

Yeah.

TED: Yeah, see, there's the guy.

Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay? You do as he says.

You think you're just going to get away with a kidnapping?

That's a nice fucking example you're setting...

(SHOUTING) Language!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, Ted, when I was a little boy,

I saw you on television.

And I thought you were the most amazing,

most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. Ever.

And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear, too.

And he said, "No."

Can you just email me the rest of this story?

And I was so heartbroken.

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son,

I would never, ever, ever say no to him.

Even

Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Yes, you are, my little chipmunk.

Happy playtime.

Jesus fucking Christ!

I said a bad word one time.

Daddy punished me for it.

That's a great story. I felt like I was there.

Daddy gave me an ouch.

Now, I have to give you an ouch.

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way.

What do you want to do? You want to play a game?

It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.

Yeah, I want to play a game.

Good, good. Let's see. How about we...

How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

I love hide and seek. I'll hide.

Now, hang on a sec, there.

Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

Okay. You hide first.

Great. Fantastic.

Okay, now you count to 100, and then you try to find me, okay?

Okay.

Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?

No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.

One, two,

three, four, five,

six, seven...

No peeking, now, or you'll get kid cancer.

...eight, nine, ten,

eleven, twelve, thirteen...

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

(STAPLING) Ah!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Hey.

Hey.

You walking home alone, huh?

Yeah.

Do you need a lift?

Oh, I'm okay.

If I get raped, it'll be my fault for what I'm wearing.

Listen, John.

There's something that I need to say to you, too.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

HEY HEY

John, I hope that...“

Listen, I don't want you to think that...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sorry.

I want us to keep talking because I think that maybe...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Go ahead.

Whoever this is, it's not a good time.

John, it's me. Can you hear me?

Ted? Listen, I got to call you back.

No, John, don't hang up! I'm in trouble.

What do you mean? What kind of trouble?

They got me. That freaky guy from the park,

and that kid who I think is his son,

but may also be his lover, I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, slow down. Where are you?

Uh...

I'm not sure, it's...

(DIAL TONE)

Hello? Hello, John?

Hello?

You're not a very polite guest, are you?

Shit!

Ted, hello? Ted?

What's the matter? Is he okay?

I don't know. Where is he?

I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.

Can you call him back?

No, it's blocked.

Wait a second.

Go. Take Columbus to Herald and get on the expressway.

Hello, 911?

I need the police right away.

This guy took my teddy bear.

Hello?

TED: Let me out of here, you crazy bastard!

I hear the fat kid running. I hear the fat kid running.

I bet it's hilarious. Let me out of here!

I am a citizen of the United States of America

and I have rights! (GRUNTS)

Robert, seatbelt.

JOHN: It should be right here, somewhere.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Johnny!

Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop! That's them, turn around!

Stay with them.

(HONKING)

Hang gm

(GASPS)

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Oh, my God! He's going to jump! Get closer.

All right, easy. Come on, Ted.

Shit! Yes!

Hey, Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?

Yes! Fucking-A right!

(LAUGHS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Oh, shit!

Go! Go!Go!

Daddy!

Let's see how well you know these streets.

Where is he?

(GRUNTING)

Jesus!

JOHN: There he is. Pull over.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Where?

ROBERT: No!

You can't have my teddy bear!

Holy shit.

Sorry.

Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid.

Come on.

Ted?

Oh, my God!

Shit!

(GASPING)

JOHN: Jesus.

Stay here. Just stay there! No, John!

You're mine, Ted!

Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.

But I can give you love, and rocking horses,

and dancing.

I think we're very far apart on this.

(RIPPING)

Ted!

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh, my God!

Ted!

John.

Lori, get the stuffing. Get it all.

Johnny.

You're going to be okay, buddy. Do you understand?

You're going to be fine.

Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.

No, look at me, buddy.

I promise, you're going to be okay.

I don't think so. I'm...

I'm in trouble.

I need.

I need to tell you something.

What is it?

Don't ever lose her again.

She's the most important...

(COUGHING)

...the most important part of your life.

Even more than me.

She's your thunder buddy now.

She's...

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I got it.

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.

Please, just try.

Come on, buddy.

(SOBBING)

I'm so sorry.

You did everything you could.

I'm so sorry.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(SIGHS)

Ted!

I'm alive, Johnny!

Oh, my God!

I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!

You're back!

Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up

you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places

so I'm a little fucked up.

But will you take care of me forever and ever?

(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny

if you thought I was fucking retarded.

You asshole!

Come here, you bastard.

(LAUGHING)

Ah!

Welcome back, Ted.

It was you.

YOU did it.

Son of a bitch!

You wished for my life back.

No. No.

I wished for my life back.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I want you to know that, after last night

I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again.

I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.

Lori,

will you marry me?

All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.

NARRATOR: And so John, Lori and Ted lived happily ever after.

Having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other.

John and Lori were married in Cambridge

by a very special Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me

by the New York Jets

and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride, Johnny.

(CHEERING)

(MOUTHING) Hi. Tom Skerritt.

(MOUTHING) Tom Skerritt! Wow!

Thanks so much for coming.

My daughter better be alive, you sick son of a bitch.

I am so fake-happy for her.

You know, Sam, there's only one way to end a perfect day.

What's that?

Flash jump.

Right.

BOTH: One, two, three!

Yeah!

NARRATOR: And that's the story of how one magical wish

forever changed the lives of three very special friends.

Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time.

One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter

eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.

He was instantly promoted to store manager.

Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood

with the goal of restarting his film career.

He currently resides in Burbank

where he shares a studio apartment

with his roommate, Brandon Routh.

Remember Brandon Routh from that God-awful Superman movie?

Jesus Christ!

Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.

Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori.

Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression

and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

Donny was arrested by Boston police

and charged with kidnapping a plush toy.

The charges were dropped when everyone realized

how completely stupid that sounded.

Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight

and went on to become

Taylor Lautner.

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