Original subtitles

MALE NARRATOR: We are often told

that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales

and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents.

And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon,

a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend,

proving two things.

Happy endings can come true for anyone.

And America doesn't give a shit about anything.

Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

SAM: And do you, Ted,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Fuckin' A right, I do!

(GIGGLES)

Then, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bear.

(ALL CHEERING)

WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Teddy, this is the best day of my life!

I just love you so much.

I love you, too, baby.

I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight.

Let's go get shit-faced!

Okay!

Thank you.

Hey, congrats, you mofos.

Oh, hey, Guy.

Beautiful ceremony.

Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it.

Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.

How you doing?

Good, good.

He's a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.

Oh, you guys are getting married?

No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.

Ha! Fuck you. Fuck you.

Deal.

TED: Hey, buddy. You okay, there?

You look a little down.

Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?

Oh! That's nice.

Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!

(LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there.

Look at her. She wants it bad!

JOHN: Oh, yeah. She wants more

than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? (MEN LAUGHING)

TED: That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you.

JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!

MAN: Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on!

I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori.

Oh, Johnny, come on, man.

It's been six months since you guys got divorced.

I know, I know. It's just that...

Being back in that church again.

I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.

Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy

to marry the wrong girl.

Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud?

You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm?

Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn would kill me

if I did drugs on our wedding day.

Ah, she won't notice.

I just did a line with a dude in the men's room

and I bet you can't even spot him.

(GLASS BREAKS)

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) I'm steppin' out with my honey

Can't be bad to feel so good

Never felt quite so sunny

So I keep on knockin' wood

Yeah, steppin' out with my baby

Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right

Ask me when will the day be

The big day may be tonight

TED: This is the best day of my life!

(TEMPO INCREASES)

(MUSIC ENDS)

I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?

I'm curing cancer.

I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?

What do I think you're doing?

I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing.

Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement.

What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?

I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?

What do you mean? You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.

Yeah? So are you!

Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs.

You should fucking talk!

I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.

Well, I have to interrupt you or else

I never get to fucking say anything!

Are you gonna let me finish talking?

You're always cutting me off!

Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Are you gonna let me finish talking?

It's important to look good at work.

I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here!

Nobody's in there to look at your ass!

You're acting like an asshole!

Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?

You're acting like a fucking asshole!

Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!

You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

I am the face of the business! Okay?

The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case!

Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!

I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.

Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!

He treated me good!

And (GASPS) he had a dick! He had an awesome dick!

Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.

What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?

What did you fucking say?

Jesus! What the fuck?

You wanna call me a whore?

You wanna throw shit?

Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!

I'll fucking throw shit! (GRUNTS)

Oh. Wow. There, see! How do you like that?

I'm scared, Teddy!

I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!

NEIGHBOR: Shut the fuck up!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Hey, you shut the fuck up!

Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?

Yeah, why don't you come up here

and make me come down there, tough guy?

I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole?

Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!

Hey, shut up, lady!

Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!

Get the fuck out of here!

People are trying to sleep!

God damn it!

Shut the fuck up!

Hey, I'm really sorry! Yeah, me, too.

She's worse than us.

Yeah, she's our enemy now.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster.

$250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

$250? Dude, that's ridiculous!

I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

but I came back five minutes later,

she was looking at black cocks.

It seems like every time you go online,

you're two clicks away from black cocks.

Look.

See, I'll google "Grand Canyon."

Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?"

I don't know, man. I got to do something

or my marriage is gonna collapse. (SIGHS)

Here you go, guys.

We're gonna be closing in a few,

but I'm going to this after-hours thing

at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join.

Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an early day tomorrow.

Oh, okay.

Well, if you change your mind, here's the address.

I put my cell number on there, too.

Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me?

What?

What do you mean, "What?" After hours?

Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you.

I'm not into it.

John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half

about every chick that throws herself at you.

You got to get back in the game, man!

No, don't start this shit, all right?

Look, I wasted six years of my life

with the wrong girl and I got burned.

I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.

Jesus, Johnny, you don't got to marry Allison.

You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

What?

It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

Yeah, I got to take a leak.

(EXHALES)

Sorry, Allison. I tried.

(SIGHS) It's okay. I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.

Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's

with just a splash of Grey Goose?

Wish I could help you, but we're closing.

Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody

that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex.

JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off of me!

Sorry, my mistake.

(STRAINING) There we go. Thanks a lot, come again.

Hey.

Hello.

I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

That's right.

I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children.

Is that correct?

I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And is that enforced by law?

Uh, not to my knowledge, no.

So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

No. No, you... You should be fine.

You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.

Uh, yeah, yeah. You'll... You'll be okay.

And, uh, I won't be followed?

Uh, no, that's... That's not in our budget here.

Hey.

I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

I would prefer that you do.

Jesus Christ.

(SIGHS)

You two still not talking?

No.

Honest to God, Joy, I don't know how to fix this.

I mean, how the hell do you take

a broken marriage and make it work again?

Well, I'll tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby.

A baby?

Uh-huh. Look at that.

You see them two white niggas over there?

(INDISTINCT) Yeah. What?

Look at them. They're so happy.

Because they got that little baby keeping them together.

If they didn't have that baby,

they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas

waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on.

Why, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase?

I'm telling you, Ted,

y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust.

(PRICING GUN CLICKING)

Uh, hey.

Go away, Teddy.

Tami, listen, I just wanna talk to you. Okay?

Will you just listen to me for one second?

Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes?

No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry.

I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.

You know, whatever, Teddy.

Tami, (SIGHS) listen. I love you.

Okay? And... And I don't want us

to fight like we've been doing the past few months.

I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change, you know?

Because I can't do this no more. It's too much.

I know, I know, I know. And... And that's why...

I wanna have a baby.

You do?

Yeah.

A baby? Like really?

Yeah.

See, I think, if we got a kid to love,

it'll teach us how to love each other again.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

You better not be messing with me.

I swear to God, not messing with you.

I think you'd make an awesome mom.

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?

I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'! (CHUCKLES)

So what do you say? We all good?

Yes! Oh, I love you!

I love you so much!

Oh, baby, I love you, too! (SMOOCHES)

Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby!

(EXCLAIMS) (KISSES)

(FLICKING LIGHTER)

Okay, you ready? Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it comes. Okay, okay. I'm ready.

(JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING) Let's all go to court

Let's go make some law now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Some law now

I say we go to court!

JOHN: Yes, let's go to court!

TED: We're a bunch of assholes who take up

a whole hallway with our conversation.

(SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys

You don't know me and Johnny are watching you

While we're high

That was fucking magic.

That felt smooth. That felt really smooth. Oh!

So in the pocket.

Hey, so, uh, listen, I got, uh...

I got some big news to tell ya.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby!

Holy shit! You?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today.

Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations!

Thank you!

Wait, wait, wait. How... How... How do you guys...

Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor.

And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think

Sam Jones would say if I asked him?

You want Flash Gordon to father your child?

Yeah, I mean, do you think...

Would that be weird? Would he be freaked out if I...

No, I think he'd be flattered!

And plus, your baby will be a fucking superhero!

Well, that was the logic I arrived at as well.

Yeah, I say do it!

All right. I'll shoot him an e-mail right now,

and see if I can stop by tonight.

You come with me? Sure.

All right, great.

Shit.

I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

Yeah, go ahead. Okay, thanks.

(SHOUTS) What the fuck?

Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? What happened?

What's going on?

There's so much porn!

Well, what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit?

What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open!

There are literally thousands of files here!

Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out.

Jesus Christ. Look at the organization here!

Clockwise rim job. Counterclockwise rim job!

Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way!

You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks?

Oh, my God! (SOBS) I have a disease, all right? I need help!

There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

Oh, this is such a relief!

I'm so glad I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught!

Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right?

You got to get back out there and meet somebody

because you are spiraling out of control here.

All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please!

Johnny, I mean it. All right?

The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game.

Fine, I got it. Done.

All right. Now, let's get rid of this.

What do you mean? We'll just delete the files!

No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered.

We got to smash your laptop with a hammer.

All right, there, you happy?

No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it.

We got to bury it in the harbor.

TED: So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor.

So what do ya say?

You'd really be helping me and Tami out.

No can do, my brother.

Well... Well, why not?

Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s

and my sperm count's a little low.

Oh. How low?

One.

One?

Yeah, little fella's having his own I Am Legend in my nut sack.

Oh. Can we have that one?

No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea.

Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here? I got to go.

That Sister, Sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself.

TED: Can't believe it. That son of a bitch!

That was really selfish of him.

I know. And after I watched his

piece-of-shit movie, like, a hundred times.

God damn it!

(ALARM BLARING)

Ah! Oh, shit!

Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay?

He's the only guy in the world whose sperm

is even close to Flash Gordon's.

Ted, it's insane. We could get in a lot of trouble.

But not if nobody finds out.

Look, look, John, John.

We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep

and sneak out with the sperm. It'll be easy!

And think how awesome the baby will be.

Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby.

All right, I'll help you. But we got to have a game plan.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHING)

(SOFTLY) Just calm down.

Yeah, can I help you?

Hey! Um, are you, uh, Tom Brady?

Yeah.

JOHN: Um, hey. Um...

Your neighbors called,

and your air conditioner's making a loud noise

so I'm supposed to check out the unit.

Uh, okay. Yeah, it's around back.

Okay. Um, I just may need a signature in case

I got to get some parts, for the billing.

You could just, uh, write that to John and Ted. Put number 12.

And you're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

It's around back. All right. Yeah.

(CRACKLING)

Stupid idiot.

TED: Okay. Go, go, go!

Take the damn raincoat off. It's making too much noise.

Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me!

Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings,

guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer.

Now let's give him a handjob into this red Solo cup.

(WHISPERS) All right. Go ahead.

Wait, what do you mean, "Go ahead"? You got to do it.

What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm.

Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand.

It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't. It's just friction.

Look, I've never done this before. Neither have I.

You do it to yourself. Yeah, but that's different.

You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room.

You're telling me you don't want this?

Yeah, I want it! You know I want it, but I'm nervous.

What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it? He deserves the best!

Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.

He's gonna love it. Go, go, go!

All right.

(GASPS)

Sweet God and baby Jesus.

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

And that's at rest.

(SHOUTS) What the hell?

Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time.

What are you doing here? Who are you?

Get out of my house!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

TED: Oh, God! Ahhh!

(STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady!

Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!

(TED YELLS)

Holy shit! Perfect spiral!

Come on, let's get out of here!

Shit!

What the hell do we do now?

(PANTING)

Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.

What's that?

Why didn't you just come to me?

What are you talking about?

For the sperm.

Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You were the first person I wanted to go to.

But you've just been so bummed out

over your divorce lately

that I just... You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position.

And plus, after seeing your laptop,

I didn't think you had any left.

Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it.

Really? You'd... You'd do that for me?

Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you.

Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off...

You're ready to be a parent.

God... (CHUCKLES)

I don't know what to say.

Johnny, thank you! Thank you so much!

Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?

Thunder buddies for life.

Come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up.

MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond.

What's a 3-17?

Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again.

(SIREN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH)

What is that? What?

What are you doing? I'm getting ready, dude.

What do you mean you're getting ready?

What are you doing to your hand?

I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready. I got to go in and perform.

You got your hand on your dick. What are you doing?

I'm trying to get it half hard,

so when I get in there I could just bust it out.

Sitting out here in public, jerking off?

Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? What are you doing?

What do you think I got to do in there?

Forget it. Now, look, you haven't

smoked pot for two whole days, right?

Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right? Your baby's gonna be fine.

I'm sorry, I just don't want something

I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16.

"John Bennett."

Hi.

Right this way. I'll show you where to deposit your specimen.

Hey, Johnny. Johnny.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm John Bennett.

(LAUGHS) I know, I just said your name.

Oh, right, yeah, sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

I've been out of the game for a while.

The game?

I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies.

I see.

Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink?

(STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this. I meant, like, a regular drink.

I have a boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy.

Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get

a lube or something? A magazine?

Video? I like Asian teen stuff preferably.

There's lube right there.

All right, yeah, thanks.

Uh, excuse me. Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom?

Down that hallway, to the left.

Okay, thanks.

Oh. No way! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys store all the, uh, stuff?

It's the intermediary station before insemination.

Are you submitting?

No. My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample in one of the rooms.

Oh, well, that's a good friend. Yeah.

I'm Dr. Danzer.

Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES)

(SINGING) Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer

Yeah, whatever, I don't know.

Now, wait. You look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

I am. That's me, yeah.

See, I was trying to figure out

where I'd seen you before and that's it.

Good eye, good eye.

So, how did you get into this line of work? Do you just love cum?

Uh, uh...

Not especially, but I love helping good people

fulfill their dreams of having children.

It's amazing what we can do here.

You want to have a look?

Yeah, sure.

This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.

We can eliminate hereditary diseases,

such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.

The list goes on and on, really.

Wow.

Hey, Johnny! You did it!

Right here, buddy.

Ew. I mean, awesome! (CHUCKLES)

Excuse me, Doctor, your wife's on the phone.

She said it's an emergency.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid?

I can see it from here, thanks, yeah.

Dude, take a closer look. It's your kid.

No, no, no! Come on!

You got to take a closer look. That's close enough, Johnny!

He's beautiful. Come on! I'll trade you. Catch.

Oh, shit! Oh, God!

Fuck! Dude, that's somebody's kid!

Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it!

We got to find something to scoop it up.

There's containers over there. Scoop it up with that.

Shit. All right.

TED: No, no, that's not gonna work.

You need two of them. You got to scoop one into the other.

Oh, shit! Fuck!

TED: Oh! Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!

I'm blinking it in!

(GAGGING) You got to fucking help me!

Oh, my God! It's in my fucking mouth!

Hang on. I got to post this on Facebook.

No! (CAMERA CLICKS)

Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God, it was an accident.

We're so sorry.

Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.

Ah, you hear that, Johnny?

You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm.

You look like a Kardashian.

Fuck!

No, make sure you have all the updated

information on our Comic Con placement.

This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout at the convention.

Morning, Mr. Jessup.

Good morning. Now...

My name's Donny.

(SIGHS) Hi, Donny. Hi.

Now this is a multi-platform release,

so I want a full report on all...

Fresh cakes.

What?

In the urinals, sir.

I noticed you always use urinal four,

so I put fresh cakes in there for you.

You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee.

See, most people flip the cakes.

I replace the cakes.

That's the Donny difference.

I need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise.

Contact Bob Jennings at Javits...

I'm afraid I have bad news.

I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure.

Wait, what? Why not?

Tami-Lynn, according to your test results, you're no longer fertile.

What?

Wait, Doc, are you sure about that?

I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know?

I'm quite sure.

Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use

your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised.

What are you talking about? It looks fine. Yeah.

Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.

This is Tami-Lynn's.

TED: Jesus!

Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot.

You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right?

No, not once, not ever.

When I saw this, I threw up. Almost quit medicine.

Bottom line is, insemination is not possible.

(SOBS) I don't understand, okay? None of this makes any sense.

It's okay. It's okay, honey. Come on, let's just go.

No, what does this mean, Teddy?

Does it mean we can't have a baby?

I don't know. But it's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

It really isn't.

Well, I have gone through your application

and vetted your personal histories,

and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out.

What?

Why not?

Well, first of all, there's the question

of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction.

Hey, I did my community service.

Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She's clean.

There's another issue,

and, honestly, it's the more serious one.

I was reluctant to bring it up because

it's a little awkward.

Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person.

Wait, what?

The state official I spoke to said

that technically, you are classified as property.

I'm not a person?

Not according to the government. I'm sorry.

But that is so fucked up!

"Property"?

You know what, Teddy? Let's get out of here.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Look.

You seem like good people.

Be careful.

What do you mean, "Be careful"?

The state official I spoke to

made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time.

Your adoption request may have raised some red flags.

If they choose to investigate the issue,

it may leave you quite vulnerable.

Hey. I just got off work and heard your message.

Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that?

Yeah, it's unbelievable. "Property."

They said I'm property.

What does that even mean? Like, you're a thing?

What, like garbage or a piece of shit?

I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah.

What the hell do they know?

It's just a word.

They can't change your whole life just by calling you property!

Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors.

One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes

in the river, titties out. You good.

Then all of a sudden, you somewhere

across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson.

Wow! You make history come alive.

Why the hell is this just coming up now?

I mean, I've never voted.

I don't have a driver's license, I don't pay taxes.

I mean, hell, this is the first job I ever had.

Ted, can I see you for a moment?

I'm sorry,

but I'm gonna have to let you go.

What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job for three years!

I just got a call from the Labor Department.

I can't legally keep you on as an employee

because I've been informed that you're technically...

Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry. But as of today, you're fired.

(SIGHS)

"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account

"has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship."

"Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked."

"Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member."

Fuck, that's a big one.

This poor baby bootie.

It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.

(INHALES)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Teddy!

(STUTTERS) What? What's wrong?

Look at this.

(SOBBING) "Dear Ted,

"the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you

"that due to an oversight regarding your legal status

"your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state

"and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled."

Teddy, can they do this to us?

Let me see that.

This is a nightmare.

You fucking believe that?

No. This is insane.

I mean, Tami's the woman I love.

You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog

if I had known it was gonna cause me this kind of shit storm.

This whole thing is complete bullshit.

I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it.

What do you mean? I mean, we get a lawyer.

Oh, my God. Can we do that?

Hell yeah! You know what we do?

We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue

the fucking government for your civil rights!

Johnny, that's a great idea!

Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers

who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded and nice and goes,

"What we're doing is wrong."

Yes. You know what, we get out there and we stick it to them good.

We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to.

Yeah.

But we don't know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches.

Oh, we just google "Boston lawyers." Ah.

Jesus. Look at that black cock.

Uh...

This is a very complicated case you have here.

Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles.

Well, everybody says you're the best in town.

Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap.

What is your financial situation?

Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the railroads.

Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.

We're working on Short Line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.

And I own four houses on Baltic Ave.

I was thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel.

I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there.

Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?

Tell you what, I'm gonna go drive around the block,

and I'll be back with $200.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

My niece recently passed her bar exam

and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm.

I could assign her to your case, pro bono.

And then you would get a hungry, young attorney

and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return.

So what do you say to that?

Yeah, sure, sounds great.

Um, are those hard candies, like, just to take?

Uh, those aren't supposed to be out.

Hello?

(BANGING) Oh! Fuck!

Hi.

You okay?

Yeah! I'm fine.

You must be Ted.

Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,

this is my buddy, John. Hi.

Um, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients.

Uh, it's been discussed,

but do you mind if I ask how old you are?

I'm 26.

Ah.

What, is there a problem?

Well, you know, I just don't want my lawyer singing

Frozen songs during the opening arguments.

It's just this is a really important case.

Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled.

I know. My uncle gave me all the details.

Right. You see, the thing is, we don't want to take any chances

because the stakes are so significant.

We can't just rush into anything.

We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

TED: We really appreciate your time,

but I think what we're probably gonna do is

just take a seat and get to work.

Trust you completely.

Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer.

Sorry.

You don't mind the pot, do you?

I get migraines.

Oh, absolutely, me, too. That's fine.

I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

Ted. How are ya?

Good to meet you. John. Nice to meet you.

Wait, wait, wait. What's your middle name?

Leslie.

Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson! (LAUGHS)

That's fucking great! Just like Sam L. Jackson!

Who is that?

You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

(INHALING)

That weed is really good.

It reminds me of the strain I smoked

last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called

"How Long Has That Van Been There?"

No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high.

I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting

the War on Drugs and all that shit?

Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.

It's just a way for the government

to inflate law enforcement budgets

and lock up minorities for no good legal reason.

And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.

Yeah. No shit.

They've denied you the same rights s everybody else

just because you're different,

and I say that's a violation of the Constitution.

So what do you say? Can you get me my life back?

(BUBBLING)

I'm gonna try.

JOHN: Hey, guys?

(BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having some trouble over here.

What's the matter?

Can you help me get home?

(SOBBING) I'm having a really hard time here, guys.

TED: Johnny, it's okay, buddy. It's okay.

You're doing fine. You're doing great.

No, I'm scared. All right.

I know. Come on, it's okay, though.

You just have to hang onto the wall.

(HORN HONKS) (SCREAMS)

Don't let the goose get me!

How far away does he live?

Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.

Fuck, okay.

Hey, it's okay. One foot in front of the other.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson

and Brown v. the Board of Education.

I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.

I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail

and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.

Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?

Yep, bring it on.

You're on the stand, the DA says,

"Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"

Objection! Sustained!

No, the witness can't object.

Overruled! Sidebar?

Guilty! Speculation!

Hearsay! Briefcase! Bailiff! Disregard!

In my chambers! Stop beavering the witness!

I rest. We could totally be lawyers.

Bang.

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, my God! I'm gonna fall off the building.

Your name is Toby!

You're going to learn to say your name.

Let me hear you say it.

What's your name?

(BREATHING SHAKILY) Kunta. Kunta Kinte.

That's just like me. That's exactly what I'm going through.

Well, it's a little different.

You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a last name.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, I got one.

Okay, what is it?

Clubber Lang.

Who is Clubber Lang?

Who's Clubber Lang?

Mr. T's character in Rocky Ill. Hello?

Is that the boxing movies?

(SHOUTS) The boxing...

You've never seen Rocky? She's not serious.

You've never seen Rocky?

You know...

(IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK)

You know, Rocky!

I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen

just because you're singing a song I don't know.

You don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky.

You are literally pop culture illiterate.

I have a college degree.

My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.

Ever heard of any of them?

No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass!

Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated.

Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?

Judy Blume? Hitler?

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Who's that?

The author.

Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?

What?

You just said "Eff Scott Fitzgerald."

What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you? Yeah.

No, that's his first name.

His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?

What? No.

Well, then, what's the "F" stand for?

Francis.

No. It's got to be "Fuck." It must be "Fuck."

It's got to be "Fuck." It has to be "Fuck."

Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

Well, because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck."

Come on, read between the lines, Sam. It's "Fuck."

(LAUGHS) That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yes!

Sir?

Um, one of the janitors would like to see you.

I'm busy.

Fresh cakes! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What is it, Danny?

Uh, Donny, sir.

Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con presentation...

I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro

for new toy ideas from any and all employees?

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

All right, come in.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you. I love your dress.

Mr. Jessup,

I can make this company a billion dollars.

I'm listening.

Thirty years ago,

a little boy named John Bennett made a wish

that his teddy bear would come to life.

Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...

Yes, I'm aware of the story.

Have you seen this?

(SIGHS)

So what?

Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.

If he loses, the state will officially declare him

a non-entity with no rights under the law.

That means he becomes property.

Mr. Jessup,

we could take him back, with only a trivial degree of legal consequence

if we were even caught.

And why would we do this?

Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick,

we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world.

Hasbro would double its profits overnight.

Go on.

We just have to make sure Ted loses the case.

You use every back channel, every bribe,

you call in every favor

and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense.

When Ted's rights are officially null,

we grab him.

No one's going to kick up a legal fuss over property.

You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny.

Really?

Now, what exactly do you want from this?

Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money.

I just want a Ted for my very own.

All right. I think I can handle the defense.

But let's make one thing clear.

We never had this conversation.

Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him.

Do you understand?

(WHISPERS) Yes, I do.

(EXHALES)

I need Shep Wild.

SAMANTHA: That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.

I've never had Pringles on my steak before.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's the least I can do with all you're doing for us. Really.

Oh, I haven't done anything yet.

Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner,

but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody will hire me.

Things are getting really tight, huh?

Yeah, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of.

BJs here! Get your BJs! Get your red-hot BJs!

Toothless and ready to go. Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!

Get your BJs here.

Wow.

Hey, listen, I got an idea.

Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes

and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, eh?

(LAUGHS) All right, all right.

Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch!

What do you think that was about?

Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying I should ask you out.

Ah.

Uh, yeah, look...

We should probably focus our attention on the case for now.

I completely agree.

You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you is unattached?

Well, I was married at one point, but it just didn't work out.

Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.

No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day,

but she was always just trying to change me

into someone I'm not.

And I tried, you know?

I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted.

One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn't myself anymore.

You know, as much as I love this person, we're completely wrong for each other.

At least you figured it out early.

Some people go through their whole lives

trying to make it work with the wrong person.

Yeah.

So, we're gonna win this thing?

Honestly, I don't know.

Oh, we're betting on you.

Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00. We got to get up there.

Hey, Sam, you want in on this?

What is it?

On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up and throw apples at joggers.

Oh, there's one!

(ALL LAUGH)

TED: How's your workout? JOGGER: Fuck you!

Eat my pussy! Have some apples!

Jesus, what the hell is your problem?

It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker!

Bam!

You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your... (GRUNTS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

That's the lottery! That's the lottery!

That's what you get for fucking exercising!

That is unbelievable!

Teddy.

Teddy, I'm scared.

Baby, we're gonna be fine.

I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says. You're my wife.

I love you so much.

And I swear to God, if we lose,

I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.

Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade?

Yeah.

But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it?

Oh!

Hey, Sam.

Who's that buttnut over there?

That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild.

It's our bad luck they put him on the trial.

He's never lost a case in his life.

Mr. Wild, your opening statement, if you please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury

for taking time out of their busy schedules

to be a part of these proceedings.

Now, the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one.

Is Ted a human being?

Or a piece of property?

You know, it really is a very special, very unique thing to be human.

It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species.

Us.

But if we suddenly decide to share that gift,

where does that lead us?

Does your dog deserve human rights?

Your cat?

Your toaster?

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?

I'm confident you'll make the right decision.

JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild, for your opening statement.

Ms. Jackson?

Hi.

I am Samantha Jackson.

I got to be honest with you. I'm...

I'm a little nervous. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Why am I nervous? Um...

Well, not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case.

And not because some of you might laugh

at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear.

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

No, I'm... I'm nervous because of one simple word.

"Justice."

I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed

by smooth talk and a haircut,

and forget about the most important aspect of this case.

Justice.

A hundred and fifty years ago

a slave by the name of Dred Scott

sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property.

He lost.

And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice.

In every civil rights conflict,

we are only able to recognize the just point of view

years after the fact.

And when the next conflict comes along,

we're once again blind to it as it's happening.

"Well, this is different," we say, but it isn't.

It is the same beast, just wearing a different face,

and it's happening again today.

So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

not to be a footnote on the wrong side of history.

Don't wait too long to be right.

Thank you.

Erection.

Sustained.

Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

And if I may inquire,

why did you not choose to have a child of your own?

Because Teddy ain't got no dick.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh-huh.

And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage?

Is it a freak of genetics?

No, asshole, he ain't got a dick because he's a fucking toy!

What's your excuse?

Whoa-ho! Take a burn!

Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter?

Yeah! How'd you... What?

(GAVEL BANGS) Order!

Mr. Bennett,

how would you categorize your relationship with Ted?

He's my best friend.

So you don't see him as your property.

No, he's not my property. He's a person.

He's way more of a person than lots of other people.

I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?

What the fuck is that? Some kind of

weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster?

Your Honor? I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your witness.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Bennett,

when and where did you first encounter Ted?

Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid.

A-ha. They "got him."

Where did they get him?

Child World toy store.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that. Could you repeat that, please?

Child World toy store. You fucking heard me.

There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett.

Why? Nobody here likes you!

I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser!

Your Honor? Mr. Bennett.

I hope your kids get bird flu!

Mr. Bennett!

I'm sorry.

Now, you said your parents purchased Ted,

as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel.

No, it's not like that!

Objection!

You can't do that!

You know what? This is bullshit!

This court is trying to tell me

that I'm not as good as other people,

and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags!

Ted!

Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos.

This is exactly what you've been doing

to the homos, and I say it's wrong!

Ms. Jackson, please control your client

or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court!

Oh, piss off!

I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos!

We deserve respect!

Ted, shut up!

Fine.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)

Your Honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.

Yes!

My turn, assholes!

Ted,

do you love your wife?

Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

I'll rephrase.

Do you love Tami-Lynn?

I love my wife. Okay? My wife.

More than anything in the world.

We're married. I don't care what anybody says.

So you're saying you are capable of feeling love.

Yeah.

Hey, it must be weird for you guys,

having a doll up here on the stand

with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, no, yeah, no.

Yeah, I am capable. I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Ted, do you believe you have a soul?

(SINGING) What did you think

I would do at this moment

When you're standing before me

With tears in your eyes

That answer your question?

Objection. Your Honor?

(SINGSONGY) Overruled!

A-ha! What it is, man! Dynomite.

Ted. Right, right. Sorry, sorry.

Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?

I don't know exactly what makes a person a person.

All I know is I feel stuff.

Just like all you guys.

And I don't think I ought to be treated any different.

Capable of love.

Aware of his own consciousness.

Seems pretty human to me.

No further questions.

Mr. Kidder,

you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct?

Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.

And what is that stuffing made of?

A synthetic cotton-poly blend.

Is there anything else in there?

The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest

which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases.

Hmm.

Ted,

would you please press your chest?

What?

Please follow the instruction, Mr. Clubber Lang.

TED TOY VOICE: I love you!

(CROWD MURMUR)

No further questions.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Also in the news, a pending court case

is beginning to get national attention

for its civil rights ramifications.

Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember

came to life back in the mid-'80s right here in Boston,

is suing to prove he is indeed a person.

Okay, so what are we even talking about here?

What we're talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights.

Oh, come on! He does not! He's a toy.

Then why are you calling it a "he"?

Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she, "

but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel.

Oh, good point.

Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm.

(SCOFFS) Now, come on!

Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me

that this stuffed doll is a person?

No. Not at all.

We all agree all the time.

I don't think he should want to be considered a person.

After all, you know, Ted spent many years

sleeping and cuddling with a child.

That's cute when you're a stuffed animal.

When you're a person, that's a felony.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?

I am not an animal!

(LAUGHTER)

You see, Your Honor?

He's not an animal.

(SNIFFLES)

(GROWLING)

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm on my period.

And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! (APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

What is taking them so long?

Oh, is it bad that they're taking this long?

It's not good or bad. It just means

that they're probably having a debate.

Johnny, it may be time to play the Betelgeuse card.

What do you mean?

I mean saying his name three times.

What?

Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.

Shut up!

You fucking crazy? We don't want

that guy running around in here.

No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.

He'll help us. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...

You are meddling with powers you do not understand.

Cut the shit.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Please be seated.

Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor. (CLEARS THROAT)

Um, in the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth in that Ted is not a person.

(CROWD MURMURING)

(SIGHS)

(GAVEL BANGING)

JUDGE: Very well.

The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property.

The definition entails the rights thereof

and will be recognized in the terms set

by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

The court wishes to thank the jury for its service.

Are you sure you can get him?

Remember, you're on your own out there.

Hasbro can have no connection to this.

Oh, I'll get him.

And when I have him, I'll call you with the code phrase.

Do you remember what it is?

Yes, I remember it.

Should we say it just for safety?

No, that's not necessary.

Say it. Just say it. Say it.

I don't want to. I don't have to.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

(SNIFFLING) This isn't fucking fair.

Teddy's a good man.

Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?

(SCOFFS) It's what this country does best.

Putting different people into little groups

and making them watch Tyler Perry.

It's wrong!

I'm so sorry, baby.

No, I'm sorry! I thought I'd built a better case.

It's just...

The reality is you have a really shitty lawyer.

Hey, come on.

Nobody's blaming you for this. You did everything you could.

(SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here

and I... I can't believe it's official.

Oh, so what are we gonna do now?

I mean, we can't take this lying down, right? We got to do something.

You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

Who's that?

He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

Wait. Is he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

Yeah.

Yeah, that had a sad ending though, you remember?

She was at a Veterans Day parade,

and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons

and... (WHOOSHES) Gone!

It was very sad. Very sad for the family.

You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned, it's him.

He's not cheap,

but we've become such a high profile case,

I feel like he might take it pro bono.

He's a sucker for media.

Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson.

I defended Ted Clubber Lang in Ted v. Massachusetts.

Hey!

Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you so much for taking my call.

(JOHN GRUNTING)

Oh, you've been following the case. That's great.

Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling. (BOTH GRUNTING)

Yeah, I was wondering

if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict.

Well, yeah. I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation

because we're not really working with much money.

But I think you'll be impressed with my client.

Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker!

Sure.

Yeah, great. Okay. Thank you so much!

Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.

Oh, my God!

He said he'll meet with us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.

at his office in New York.

Is he gonna take the case?

I don't want to jinx it, but I think so.

Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny? (LAUGHS)

I still get a shot! JOHN: Yes!

Oh, my God! We got to celebrate!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Let's go down to the improv and yell sad suggestions?

Fuck yeah!

So first we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

TED: 9/11.

(STUTTERS) Okay, maybe something else.

All right, let's start with a person.

JOHN: Robin Williams!

Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?

TED: Robin Williams on 9/11.

All right, we've heard from these guys.

Let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance.

How about a location? Let's go with a location.

TED: The offices of Charlie Hebdo.

Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location.

JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri.

TED: Germanwings cockpit.

Okay, I heard "Starbucks." TED: No, you didn't.

JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks."

All right, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?

TED: Bill Cosby.

You people are monsters.

JOHN: We're giving you the tools, buddy.

Come on, make some fucking comedy.

All right. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

I love you so much, Teddy.

You go kick some ass because I am not taking off this wedding ring.

I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)

(SINGING) If you wanna sit there with a pie of meat

Just fuck your own brother in the front seat

Oh, why can't you just say please?

Hey! Must be the money

Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says "Arizona State"?

Because that's where I went to school.

What, you went to Arizona State?

Yeah, why?

Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.

Hello? You're dicks.

Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a houseboat?

(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)

Oh, come on.

Did you write your dissertation

on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.

TED: So do you say "Arizona State University" or do you just say "HPVU"?

This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10:00.

Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad?

Mmm, it's actually delicious.

Everybody always says that about their salad.

They're all a bunch of fucking liars.

No, I love it. It's really good.

Have some Cookie Crisp. You need something nutritional.

Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?

Because you've been staring at it, and you want it.

Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna make out or what?

Teddy, come on, dude!

No, I'm just saying. You look like you're hitting it off, you know?

Sam, you dig him, right?

MAN: Hey!

Where the hell's my coffee? I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot. I'll get it right away.

Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets. Figure it out!

What a prick!

Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.

Wait, let me try.

I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.

Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?

Shut up.

Oh, my God! Holy shit!

Who did that?

Oh, Jesus Christ. You got to be kidding me!

Now, we're assholes. Look what you did.

I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it?

Uh, sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son.

(IN KID'S VOICE) I'm sowwy!

Sowwy, sir.

Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sowwy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay.

Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes.

Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.

You guys making trouble over here?

Uh, no, ma'am. We're just minding our business.

Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Oh.

Good.

We'll just get the check. Thanks.

Of course.

TED: Oh, my God.

John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.

No, she wasn't.

She was giving you the fuck-me eyes.

What are the fuck-me eyes?

Some women just have fuck-me eyes.

Do I have fuck-me eyes?

No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.

We better get going.

We got two hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat.

Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow.

I'll drive. You can take a nap.

You don't have a license.

Who cares? Johnny lets me drive

every once in a while when he's too hammered.

I'm a fucking pro!

Besides,

I've been kicked around a lot this week. I just...

I want to feel useful, you know?

Twenty minutes behind the wheel.

Yay!

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(TIRES SCREECHING) (HORN HONKING)

(LIP-SYNCHING TO SONG)

(SONG ENDS)

Ah! Ah! Shit, shit, shit!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

What the fuck?

Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes. You wanna take over?

(STUTTERS) Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry.

That barn just came out of nowhere.

No, no, it's my fault. I... I, uh...

I should never have let you drive.

Yeah. You were wrong.

You were wrong to do that. Yeah.

But that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up. So, uh...

I can't see shit in there.

We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out.

Uh, wait. Are we gonna spend the night here?

Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find some firewood.

What the hell?

(SNIFFS)

Holy shit! Hey, Ted!

You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze.

It's a really rare strain.

It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze.

It's totally potent.

I've only had it once in my life

and it was one of the best highs I ever had.

What the hell is a leaf of this stuff

doing out in the middle of a...

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

(SOBS) So beautiful.

It's so beautiful.

No words.

No words. (SNIFFLES)

They should've sent a poet.

They're moving in herds.

They do move in herds.

Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.

TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position, here.

I mean, we wanna get high, too.

I don't have any papers or nothing.

Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party.

(LAUGHS)

It's so stupid. Here, try it.

Uh, no.

Why?

I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.

Oh, you think this is big?

(LAUGHS)

Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

This is all I brought.

How about this? I'm gonna go check out the barn

and I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can or something

for us to make an actual bong.

Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong.

Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South Korean president. (LAUGHS)

Right?

She gets... You get it.

Right? No.

What?

Okay, I'll be back.

Sorry.

No. This is nice.

You know? I always wanted my ex-wife

to get stoned with me. She never would.

Really?

Wow. That's the cornerstone of any great marriage.

I agree. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?

I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um...

But we're going to the right place.

Listen, I just really want to thank you

for all you've done, all you're doing for us.

I know it's not making you rich.

Please.

There are more important things in life than money.

Look,

I don't know what kind of mojo was in

that wish you made when you were a child,

but this bear is alive.

And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life,

how soon before it devalues another?

Who gets subjugated after the bear?

You're really smart, you know that?

How come you don't have a guy?

Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?

I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy

with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket

and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

That's so dumb.

(GRUNTS) I couldn't find any cans,

but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.

Hey, be careful with that, huh.

No, it's okay. It's not loaded.

And my fucking nose came off.

Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to.

Maybe we should find someplace else. (PLAYS GUITAR)

We're in the middle of nowhere.

If we get out of here by dawn, we should be fine, right?

You play the guitar?

A little bit. I learned when I was a kid.

(SINGING) Mean ol' moon

It must be fun

To shine upon me as I come undone

Till I'm all alone beneath the sun

You mean ol' moon

With your beam you led the way

And found me love I thought was here to stay

Then you went and took my love away

You mean ol' moon

Oh, you mean ol' stars above

The games that you play with me

I could find some happiness

If all of my nights were cloudy

Mean ol' moon

I hope it's true

You're takin' all the light that's left in you

And saving it up for you know who

You mean ol' moon

You mean ol' moon

Yes!

You got it.

You got it!

Come on, put your legs into it.

There you go! Nice job!

Jesus.

So, listen, I got to ask.

Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff?

Man, we got a lot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it.

Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right,

but just stuff it under the seat for now.

We don't wanna go to jail.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

(LIGHTER FLICKERING)

(INHALES)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?

Hashtag "My amazing summer."

God damn it! What the hell's wrong with you?

Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.

What do you mean? I was just messing around.

Oh, shut up and suck that dick.

Oh, fuck you.

(BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING)

MEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Watch it. Jesus! Watch where you're going!

It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way! Yeah.

BOTH: Whoa!

Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed like Star Wars?

It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're going to the Javits Center.

You're the idiots, because you three guys

would never be walking together!

Yeah, you're his boss and you two guys are enemies!

Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!

Yeah, that's two different franchises.

Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn't know.

Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

All right, let's go.

Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

This Patrick Meighan's got a classy setup, huh?

Mmm.

And there is our first impression.

Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.

Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor.

Thank you so much for meeting with us.

Not at all. It's my pleasure. Please, sit down.

Oh, this office is fucking awesome.

Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.

You ever bring chicks up here?

What do you think?

I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice.

I'll get right down to it.

I don't want to waste too much of your time.

Ted, I've been reviewing your file.

And while I'm sympathetic to your cause,

I'm sorry to say I won't be taking your case.

What? Why?

Why not?

Well, it comes down to this.

You want to be human in the eyes of the law.

That's a hard sell, even for me.

See, the important thing about being human

is making a contribution to society.

Assisting in the betterment of your race.

You've done none of that.

I've read about your life.

The drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests.

Mr. Meighan, we've come a long way to meet you

because you said that you could help us.

I said I would consider it.

And I have.

Ted, you're special.

You could've been an inspiration to the world.

Could've been a leader, a role model.

Instead you're

Justin Bieber.

Fuck you!

Hey, Ted! Come on! I'm sorry.

He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me, I'm sorry.

There's just no indication

that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.

Well, that's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Would that positive effect be your joint arrest

for purchasing marijuana in 2003?

Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?

You know why you lost this case?

It can't be argued by reason.

The precedent it sets would affect the public directly.

And unfortunately, the public doesn't judge by reason.

It judges by emotion.

And you can't appeal an emotional conviction.

Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your efforts.

He needs help.

And from what I know about you,

at one point in your career that would've been enough.

I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be.

Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like, to take?

Those aren't supposed to be out.

So that's it. I'm property.

No rights, no nothing.

Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.

I feel terrible.

I let you guys down all over again.

Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best.

And, look, regardless of all this shit,

you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

Oh. Oh, that...

That's great! That's fucking great!

I'm glad you guys are so happy!

What?

What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here.

And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer,

and she's probably still fucking billing us!

Well, don't yell at us, dude! We didn't do anything!

Yeah, exactly! Exactly!

Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other,

Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing!

Like garbage or a piece of shit!

Hey, we've been fighting right alongside you the whole way.

And remember, you're the one

who's been pushing me to get back on the horse.

I finally meet someone and you're giving me shit for it?

Oh, no, you're right. No, Johnny, it's fine.

You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine.

I got no job, no marriage and no life!

But you have fun porking Gollum here, while I'm left with shit!

Ted!

Who's Gollum?

She's a model. Ted, come back!

Leave me alone!

JOHN: Ted! SAMANTHA: Ted!

(SIGHS)

Shit.

MAN: Whoa.

Sorry, bro.

GUY: Hey, Ted!

Guy?

I thought that was you. What's happening, man?

Hey, Rick! It is Ted.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, what's going on? What are you doing here?

(SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?

Well, you know, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.

Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.

Hey, spaz.

Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

(GROANS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Uh-huh. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.

Right on. You, too, man.

God damn it, that underwear had shit on it!

Hey.

Are you Ted?

Uh, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

This is so exciting!

I was such a big fan of yours in the early '90s.

Oh, thanks a lot. What's your name?

I'm Raphael.

Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you?

Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.

Great, great! Here, follow me.

Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?

Well, you're a celebrity.

I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you.

Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today.

All right, let's do this.

Holy shit! Donny!

It's so good to see you, Ted.

It's been some time, hasn't it?

What, you mean since you ripped me in half?

That wasn't supposed to happen.

That was an accident.

I have some big plans for you, Ted.

Very big plans.

I need you to come with me now.

Go to hell!

(GRUNTS)

RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.

Hey! What the hell!

He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him.

We should just wait by the car.

What do you mean? We have to find him, okay?

He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes.

(SCOFFS) (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Johnny, Johnny, it's me. You got to help me.

Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.

I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny! He's here!

He's after me. You got to get over here.

What the fuck? Did you just say "Donny"?

John, what's going on?

Yes, it's him! He's...

Oh, shit!

Ted! Ted, hello?

What's the matter? Oh, my God. Déjà vu.

We got to get to Comic Con. Come on!

Get out of the way!

You know,

I really love that Neil Diamond.

Especially that song they sing at the Red Sox games.

It's just so infectious.

You just can't help but sing along.

(SINGING) Hands touching hands

Reaching out

Touching me, touching you

Sweet Caroline

Bah, bah, bah!

Fuck!

Crazy son of a bitch!

(TED GRUNTING)

MAN: Hey!

What are you doing to that bear?

I'm sorry. I, uh...

You better be planning on buying that!

He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Yeah, that's great.

$40.

Okay.

I have $40, here.

You see him anywhere?

No. Let's try in there.

Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here?

Shh. They're about to announce the new Superman.

The new Superman is...

Jonah Hill!

Fuck!

Who's Superman? What?

I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you. Come on!

And if that is not big enough news,

Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line

of Transformers merchandise next fall.

(CHEERING)

We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons...

Hey!

...that is gonna be... Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Comic Con fans,

let's take a look at this thrilling sizzle reel

with all of our exciting new toys.

Take a look.

(CHEERING)

Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.

Is that him?

Yeah, there was an issue, so he's

unconscious now, but yeah, this is him.

Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

I've been following him around since yesterday.

This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.

Hey, Ted!

Is that you?

Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink.

He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller

so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.

Ah, rock on, Ted.

Eff yeah.

Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

Hey, Johnny.

Guy?

Man, it's a goddamn party here today.

Hey, I remember you from the wedding.

You get a nose job? No.

Yes, you did, you fucking liar.

Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.

Ted? Where is he?

He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up.

Did you see which way they went?

Yeah, yeah. Back hallway, past the photo booth.

Come on!

Thirsty, Urkel?

I fucking love this place.

(GRUNTS)

What the fuck? What the fuck's going on here?

Who the hell are you?

He really is extraordinary, isn't he?

You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping!

No, it's not.

Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you're property.

Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece.

What do you say there, happy face?

Right there. Death to Ming. Yeah! Come on. All right.

Happy guy.

Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah.

Hey, Bennett!

Oh, shit!

You messed up my car.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted.

But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.

Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

(YELLS)

(RIPS) (GASPS)

Holy shit!

Look, Donny, Donny! You don't wanna do this! Okay?

Think about what happened at Fenway.

You remember? You cut me open, that's it! I'm gone, dead!

Just a regular old teddy bear.

I won't be any fun then, will I?

This isn't about you, Ted.

You're only one bear.

We're gonna figure out what makes you real,

and then we're gonna make millions of Teds.

One for every child in the world.

One for me.

One that loves me just as much as you love John.

Look, Donny, I can never love you.

God, that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die.

Okay? So, uh...

What if I gave you a hand job outside

your pants while you ate an ice cream?

I'll give you a minute.

(SAM GRUNTING)

Come here!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

Ah!

(WHOOPING)

(SCREECHING)

Come here.

Come on.

I'll see you in heaven, Ted.

Ted! Johnny!

Who the hell are you?

Get away from him, you bastard!

Ted, you okay, buddy? Johnny, thank God!

I'm out.

Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on, we can still do this.

You're on your own, Danny. I can't be implicated in any of this.

Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?

I work for Mattel.

You piece of shit.

Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh?

What do you wanna do now?

You don't deserve him, John. You never did. You never did!

I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it!

Come on.

Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you how sorry I am.

No, forget it, buddy.

Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.

No, listen to me.

Just listen to me. You, too, Sam.

I acted like an asshole.

All right? I was just hurting because I knew I'd lost.

And that, in the eyes of the world, I'll always be property.

But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right?

It doesn't matter what the world calls me. I know who I am.

And that's all that's important.

And I know who my friends are.

And honest to God,

if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier.

Aw, buddy, I love you for that.

Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.

And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned,

you're a person.

As much as anybody I've ever known.

Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State.

Ted!

Holy shit! Johnny!

Oh, my God. John! Johnny!

John! Oh, Jesus!

Are you okay? Johnny, you all right?

Shit.

John, hey. Oh, my God.

Jesus, what happened here?

The rocket ship just hit him!

Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise... Forget it.

Somebody call 911!

Johnny? John, come on, stay with me, pal.

We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th.

How the hell did it fall?

I don't know!

TED: It was him!

The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle!

Which one?

All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit, you son of a bitch!

Sam, give me your phone.

(80s POP SONG PLAYING)

That's him.

Get off me!

Get off me!

Johnny?

Johnny, come on.

Johnny, you got to wake up, pal.

Johnny, wake up!

Wake up, Johnny.

Johnny.

Johnny, wake up!

Johnny, wake up.

Hi. How is he? Is he gonna come out of it?

I don't know, Ms. Jackson. We've done everything we can

and it's all up to him now.

John,

please wake up.

(HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING)

Somebody help!

Oh, my God, John! John? Johnny?

Hello? There's something happening.

Mr. Bennett?

Something's wrong. What's going on? What's happening to him?

Mr. Bennett? John?

We have a Code Blue in Room 134! What does that mean?

I'm sorry. You three are gonna have to wait outside.

What the hell is going on? Is he gonna be okay?

The doctors will do everything they can,

but I need youto go to the waiting area now, please.

Excuse me, excuse me.

What's the status?

He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive.

The monitor says he's in asystole. He's not breathing, no pulse.

Start compressions. Prepare to intubate.

Give him a milligram of epinephrine.

I'm sorry.

He didn't make it.

What?

Johnny.

If you'd like, you can go in

and say your goodbyes.

Johnny.

You were my thunder buddy.

You were my thunder buddy for life.

And you gave up your own life to save mine.

The only problem is

I don't know how my life works without you.

Goodbye, John.

I got you, motherfucker! (ALL SCREAMING)

Holy shit! Zombie! He's a fucking zombie!

I totally fucking got you!

Holy shit!

You should have seen your fucking face!

You son of a bitch!

That was fucking classic!

Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think that I was retarded!

You made me think you were retarded!

Oh! Well done!

Well done, man. High five. (LAUGHING)

High five.

What the fuck is going on?

What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

You are the fucking greatest, man. Holy shit!

Wait. How was the doctor in on it?

They got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine.

So I talked him into going along with the bit.

Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks.

No problem. We're a fun hospital.

You asshole! You think this shit is funny?

Do you know how devastated I was?

I put a frowny face on Facebook!

How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?

You could change your relationship status from "single"

to "it's complicated."

You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. (SNIFFLING)

How about, "in a relationship with John Bennett"?

Well, we'll have to talk about that.

Okay, well, good talk.

Hey, if you guys want to bang,

me and Teddy can totally leave the room.

No, no, honey, honey, they're classy, they're not like us.

They're good people.

I'm happy to see everyone has made a full recovery.

Mr. Meighan. What the hell?

Holy shit!

Is it all right if I come in?

Sure, yeah.

How are you feeling, John?

I'm alive.

You're very lucky.

I saw what you did on TV.

Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.

You know why? Because he's a person.

And no matter how many

of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down,

you're not gonna change that.

Not in our eyes.

Ted is real.

So you can go fuck yourself.

I will.

And as soon as I'm done fucking myself,

I'd like to take your case, Ted.

What? Seriously?

TED: Oh, my God! You heard that?

Oh, my gosh! TED: I don't believe it! (CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe we don't want you now. Shut up.

No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you.

What made you change your mind?

Well, when I saw what John did for you,

that he was willing to give his life for yours,

it gave me a kick in the ass.

Reminded me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do.

I'm sorry I turned you away.

I was wrong.

As far as I'm concerned,

anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person

deserves to be called human.

You mean it?

I certainly do.

So,

shall we get started?

What defines a person?

What defines property?

What's the difference?

The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes

argues that the standards for personhood include self-awareness,

an ability to understand complex emotions

and a capacity for empathy.

We're all in agreement that Ted is self-aware.

What is your name?

Ted Clubber Lang.

As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy,

we all saw the distressing images

of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,

John Bennett.

In those images,

Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood.

It's right there for anyone to see.

And I believe that a just court must, by definition,

grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them,

just as the Emancipation Proclamation

and the Thirteenth Amendment did so many years ago.

So, ladies and gentlemen of the court,

I invite you

to change the world.

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Well, Johnny, this is the second time you've made me real.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, you were always real to me, buddy.

Even when you weren't.

Congratulations, Ted.

Thanks, Sam.

FEMALE REPORTER: Ted!

MAN 1: Ted! MAN 2: Ted! Over here!

Ted!

This is quite a victory for you.

Is there any statement that you'd like to make

now that you're legally a person?

Yes, there is.

Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

will you marry me?

Yes.

(ALL CHEERING)

MALE NARRATOR: And so our story comes to an end.

Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again,

and soon afterward, they adopted a fine, young baby boy.

Johnny, meet your new godson,

Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.

JOHN: Oh, Teddy, he's adorable.

Oh! And we got something for him, too. John, show him.

Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.

TAMI-LYNN: He got you something.

Huh?

Oh, Johnny!

TAMI-LYNN: Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.

Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough,

maybe he'll come to life

and you guys can do all kinds of drugs together.

That's all I want for him.

Oh! It smells like somebody's got a poopy diaper.

Teddy, it's your turn to change him.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

TED: Oh! Fuck me! TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter?

TED: That can't be normal. He's got to be sick.

TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick, it's just baby doody.

JOHN: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.

TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross? JOHN: No.

TED: All right. Here, catch. (DIAPER SQUISHING)

JOHN: Oh, Teddy, what the fuck? (SCREAMING)

(TED LAUGHING) Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker!

(CAMERA CLICKING) TED: Hashtag "Shit happens."

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)