Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[TIRES SCREECHING] [CRASH]

- [Man] Ugh!

Holy fucking shit, this hurts!

- We’re getting closer!

- Hang in there, Danny! - Oh. Ah!

- Dan?

- Danny? - Yeah?

- I’m sorry about the time I hit you in the face

with that big rock down by the river.

- What?

- And that thing I said to you at Fernando’s wedding

and when I told your mother about...

- Careful up there!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- And I’m sorry for everything I ever said or did

that I should feel sorry for. I’m sorry!

I love you, Danny!

- Oh, this is depressing!

I’m not dying back here, okay?

It just feels like I am. (chuckles painfully)

- I didn’t say you were dying!

I just wanted to get a few things off my chest

and say I love you.

Why do you always have to question my motives?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- I think that was a stop sign.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- We are two blocks from the hospital.

- (groans)

- Just hang in there, Danny! - Aargh!

[MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

- (grunts, sniffs)

Hello?

- [Woman] My God, you sound awful!

- Hey mom.

- What’cha doin’ honey?

- I’m not, uh...

(sighs)

I’m not really doing anything.

- Oh I won’t keep you.

Sounds like I woke you up.

- (yawning) No no, no.

You didn’t wake me, it’s just, uh...

one of these new pills I’m taking.

It makes me a little groggy.

- A new pill?

What does it do?

- Uh, I don’t,

I don’t remember, exactly.

- Did you get my card?

- Last night I got it.

(sniffs) Let’s see here.

- Oh my God.

Look at that thing on TV.

- (sighs)

Thank you, mom. That’s very,

- that’s very sweet. - You’re welcome.

- Are you sure you can afford it?

- Do something fun with it.

- Oh I will.

I promise. [MUSIC]

[BEEPING]

[WHIRRING]

[COFFEE BREWING]

[WATCH BEEPING]

- [Dan] AIDS used to be a big deal in America:

Marches, red ribbons,

media coverage.

Those were the fuckin’ days.

Now it’s just another boring life threatening illness.

It’s about as exciting as having...

Hep-C.

One thing that hasn’t changed for me,

it’s still really hard to be open about it.

Even in San Francisco.

Revealing HIV status is an energy suck, so

I’ve successfully avoided the dating scene.

The problem is,

I feel this need to find someone

before I get sick.

I know that’s fucked up.

- Hey, Danny, Danny. - Hello.

- Aw, man.

- There’s coffee. It’s fresh.

- No thanks.

I want something to eat.

[DOGS BARKING]

Ew!

Ugh!

That’s really gross!

You want to go out? Get something to eat?

- I can’t eat, I just took my meds.

What, are you trying to get rid of me?

- Oh yeah.

- Besides, (sighs)

I need to get some writing done today.

- Ooh.

- I will write today. I will write today.

- You planning to eat this?

- Of course I’m gonna eat that.

(sighs)

All right, you can have the head.

[MUSIC]

[TYPEWRITER SOUNDS]

[TYPING ACCELERATES]

- [Man] Dot?

Hey, Dot?

(grumbles) Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

What are you doing?

- I’m trying to find that big jug full of that stuff.

- It’s where it always is, aisle three.

(grunts)

- You love Swiss cheese.

Hm.

We should try these!

They’re Swiss flavor.

- Yeah.

We don’t need ’em.

(sighs)

- Mr. Shwa-bell?

- Pretty close, actually.

Schauble.

- That’ll be $2,841 and 12 cents.

- (whistles)

I guess it’s a good thing I have insurance, huh?

(chuckles) [COMPUTER BLIPS]

- There appears to be a problem with your coverage.

- Really, that...

That’s very strange. I’ve never had a problem with it before.

- It would have been $5,682

but the government kicked in part...

I don’t know.

They installed a new system and

everything’s all weird.

The background’s green, the text is yellow.

This is really hard to read.

We ran it through twice

but it didn’t work.

Hold on.

[DIAL TONE]

[BEEPING]

- [Automated voice] You have reached

American Medical Advantage.

Please enter the client’s ID number.

[BEEPING]

Please hold while we access the information.

Please hold while we access the information.

Client ID is not valid.

- What? (Laughs)

- Sorry.

You might want to change plans.

Hold on.

- I...

- You’re on American Medical Advantage Plus.

You might want to try

American Medical Advantage Premium

or American Medical Advantage Premium Plus.

That one sounds good.

- What’s the difference?

- I don’t know.

- Uh, okay, thank you.

- $22.11.

[BEEPING]

[SLIDES CARD]

[BEEP]

[SLIDES CARD]

[BEEP]

Card’s been declined, sir.

- (sighs)

Well... (chuckles)

Uh, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll just, uh...

I’ll take the coffee.

I’ll pay with cash.

[MUSIC]

(belches) (sighs)

- Nice.

- (sighs)

- You won’t believe what happened to me earlier.

- Well my imagination is offended. What happened?

- I was just walking along

over by Sunny Produce.

Something went whizzing by my head

and hit the wall behind me. [BANG]

Then there was another one. [BANG]

Then I felt a sharp pain

in the center of my back.

(slow motion, guttural, deep scream) Ow!

Flying towards me were these small

metallic things.

Someone...

[BANGING]

was hurling D batteries

from a rooftop,

trying to hit me.

- Jesus.

- Some woman.

They don’t even know.

Can you believe that?

- Why would somebody do that?

- Are you okay?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Yes.

Physically, anyway.

- I hate this story.

- Remember this

the next time you want to make fun of me

for being afraid to walk by myself in this town.

[WATCH BEEPING]

(sighs)

[DOOR SLAMS]

- (groans)

Oh, hey there, Danny.

- Oh no. Bob, I’m so sorry.

Could you tell how hard I was trying

not to wake you?

- Oh you didn’t wake me.

Besides, I’m, I’m glad I’m up.

I had to make some calls

to cash in on some debts

before they cut our utilities off.

- Nobody’s going to turn off any utilities.

I just looked at the books. It’s really not that bad.

It’s by no means great, but I have an idea.

I’m gonna make some flyers

out of paper

for the poetry slams and then

I’m going to leave them

at independently owned coffee shops and then

tens of people are gonna show up.

- It’s 2015.

Nobody likes poetry slams.

- Who’s Grumps?

- Uh...

Dot left me.

- What?

Are you serious?

- She threw me out the house.

I deserve it. I’m a pain in the ass.

- You’re a huge pain in the ass

but come on, you guys,

you guys are gonna get through this,

you’ve been together forever.

What the hell happened?

[MUSIC] - I don’t know.

[INDISTINCT YELLING] Got into an argument.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

She said something about me

not knowing how to be affectionate.

Called me an asshole, a motherfucker,

and things got a little out of hand.

- I’ve got something for your ass right now.

- Oh, you got something for my ass now, okay then.

- I got something for you right here.

- Yeah I’m, I’m right here.

Get it for my ass right now.

Not, not, not my, not them...

All right then, all right then. What about my...

What, what... Oh!

- Yeah, let’s get down in it, now!

- This the one you really like, huh?

- No you are not!

- Uh oh.

Watch this, baby. Right there.

- (slow motion roar) No!

[CERAMIC BREAKING]

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

- Oh you get out of here now! - I ain’t getting out of nowhere!

- Get your ass out of here!

- I ain’t getting out of nowhere!

- Okay.

Well, it’s obviously not the first

huge fight that you’ve had, and it won’t be the last.

What are you looking for?

- I thought we had a blanket here.

It’s gonna be cold tonight.

- Stop it. You’re not staying here.

You’re gonna stay at my place

and then tomorrow you’re gonna talk to Dot

and you’re gonna work everything out.

- I’m going to sleep here.

- Hey, Bob, will you do me a personal favor

and stay with me please?

- Okay. For one night.

And then I’ll set up camp here in the morning.

- All right, you’ve got yourself a deal.

(clears throat)

- Oh, that’s a good idea.

Definitely drink.

It’s not like that’s a depressant or anything.

- Ahh.

- We have a capacity crowd here at Club Dot

for Poetry Slam Thursday.

I am your host, Dan Shauble.

And before I bring up our first contestant

I have one question:

Do we actually have any contestants?

How ’bout a,

a simple show of hands?

Is anyone here to slam?

Okay!

Apparently it’s just me.

(clears throat)

[MUSIC]

When we met,

my breath was thick.

When you smiled,

one thousand children laughed.

And when you told me that you loved me,

that’s when life made sense.

When you rolled yourself up

into that thing that you called

the human sphere.

When hawk wings

sprouted from your hunched

reptilian back.

When your body grew to five times its normal size.

When you swallowed my ten

dollars in change and sang to me

in that indistinguishable tongue of yours.

[PERCUSSION]

When you forced my legs into your giant mouth,

clamped down, with your rock-like teeth

onto my waist and twirled around

in circles, I admit

I was concerned.

But I never

ever stopped loving you.

(claps)

I win!

[BELL DINGS]

- [Paula] What are you gonna get?

- [Dan] I’m not hungry.

- Oh, I know.

I know.

[sighs]

- I had a dream about Kevin last night.

- Really? What was it about?

- It’s so weird, I spend more time with him now than I...

did when he was alive.

- What was the dream about?

- We just sat up all night talking.

(chuckles)

It was so good.

I...

felt like it went on for hours and hours

and it seemed so real

but at the same time, I was,

I was very aware that it was a dream.

And that, that made it

that made it nice because I was able to tell him,

you know,

how much I miss him.

Because, oh my God, I miss you brother

so much.

- Oh flip. (Sniffs)

[MUSIC] - But...

one of his hands, uh, was a lobster claw.

- (laughs) - And it spewed

a strange lobster ooze.

- (laughs) Shut up.

- [Dan] But in the dream it was fine.

He touched my face

with his oozy lobster claw and wiped it all over my pants

- and I was fine with it. - (Paula laughs)

I wonder what it means.

- (laughs)

- [Waitress] Do you know what you want?

- Yes. I would like

a grilled Swiss on rye,

an order of fries, and

a hot tea.

- And you?

- I’ll just have coffee please.

- Nothing else?

- Uh...

I will...

I’ll have the the golden brown waffle.

- I’ll be back with your drinks.

- (chuckles)

- God damn it, why did I just... I just ordered a waffle, Paula.

I don’t want a waffle.

[WATCH BEEPING] I’m so

terrible under pressure.

Something’s wrong with my insurance.

I couldn’t get my drugs today.

- What’s wrong with your insurance?

- Shit if I know, but,

now I get to go down there and try to figure out

what the problem is.

(sighs)

I hate that place. It’s so depressing.

- Maybe you should go to a support group.

- Because...

I just said the word "depressing"?

- It’s just that I am the only one you talk with

about this.

- Oh I see.

I see, I see where we are.

I’m a burden.

I’m a burden for you.

- I just think it, it might be healthy

to open up about this a little more.

- I got it. Open up. Sure.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate this gesture.

- I don’t mind talking about it with you.

- But I’m fine.

- Come on, let’s talk about it.

- No. - Come on.

- I don’t want to talk about it.

Or anything else with you ever again.

- Would you cut it out?

- (mumbles)

- (sighs)

- (mumbles)

- Fine.

- What are you reading?

- Thank you.

[SPOON TAPPING ON PLATE]

What are you doing?

- Well I don’t have a fork, do I?

So, this is fine.

- I’m getting you a fork, uh.

- Paula, stop it. Shh, stop.

Would you please stop?

The woman hates me. That’s clear.

I don’t need a fork.

I don’t, I don’t even,

I don’t even want this.

(sighs)

Oh Jesus,

could this coffee be any weaker?

- Maybe some people like it that way.

[DOOR CHIMES]

[MUSIC]

[DOOR CHIMES]

- I’m sorry what was I...

[HEARTBEAT] (gasps, coughs)

- You okay? [MUSIC]

- Yeah I think so.

I don’t know, I don’t know actually.

That was a really sharp shooting pain.

- Can I help?

- You know what? I gotta go. I gotta go anyway.

I forgot about Bob.

He’s closing up the club,

and I told him that I would meet him there,

and you know what, it’s fine.

- Are you sure you’re okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s probably just gas.

Or something. (sighs)

- This...?

- Um, Bob might stay with us tonight.

- What? Why?

- I’ll fill you in later.

I’m sorry for running out on you like this.

And I’m sorry for being a shit head.

Mwa. - Hey, did you take your pills?

- I did, and I feel amazing.

Watch, watch this!

[DOOR CHIMES]

Ugh fu...

Ah...

Ah fuck.

Ah fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

(sighs)

[MUSIC]

[80’s MUSIC]

This is awful, how do you watch this shit?

- Uh, huh, oh...

- What? - (sighs)

- You got any smokes?

- Yeah, you know me, man.

I’ve got, I’ve got all the smokes.

What k..., what kind do you want?

- How many kinds do you have?

- I have zero kinds, Bob, (laughs)

but I’ll go get you some, is what I’m saying.

- Ah, don’t worry about it.

- I’m going to get you some.

Because I want you to die happily.

- Okay, okay. Why does it have to be dying?

Okay, camels. Okay, unfiltered. Yeah.

You know, nobody said anything about dying.

- Do you want anything else?

- No, don’t bother, that’s all right.

- I’ll see you in a minute.

- This is the worst date I’ve ever had.

- [Bob] Ooh, you tell him, baby.

Mm-hm.

- [Man on TV] Well why don’t you have a little more fried dough?

- Can we watch something else?

- Mm-mm. This is the real deal.

These aren’t actors.

- This is real life. - Hey Karen.

Karen.

Karen. Karen.

Karen. Karen. Karen.

Karen.

Karen.

- This is depressing. - Yeah, that’s right.

- [Karen] I’m glad you make yourself laugh.

- Just pedal and be quiet.

- You’re an ass. - [Bob] Mm-hm.

Tell him how you feel.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- Oh.

Good morning, Moonshine.

- Good morning.

- That’s disgusting. You’re an animal.

- Mm-hm.

- (sighs) I know what you’re gonna say.

But you don’t have to go.

You can stay here as long as you want.

- Ah, no.

I’ll stay at the club until I

figure out what I’m gonna do.

- Did you call Dot?

- Who?

- Dot, your wife. Your wife, Dot.

Did you call her?

- Why?

- To tell her that you love her and that you want to come home.

- (sighs) Thanks for letting me spend the night.

- All right. - Okay.

- Anytime.

- (grunts)

Okay.

I, um...

I’ll see you later at the club.

- Please be careful going down those stairs.

- [Bob] All right.

Thanks, Dan.

- [Dan] All right.

[BEEP]

[VENDING MACHINE WHIRRING]

[LIQUOR POURING]

[KNOCKING]

- [Man] Come on in.

- Hi.

- Ah, sit down.

Mrs. Doris is no longer with us.

- Oh.

- I’ll be you new case worker.

My name is Gregory.

- Hello, Gregory.

- You have a social security card,

driver’s license or California ID

and a current bank statement.

- It’s all there.

- Excellent, thank you.

So, I think what’s happened here, Daniel,

is that you were bumped from the low income plan

because your bank account exceeds the maximum.

I’m sure you’re aware that you have to

stay within certain financial boundaries

to get a state subsidy for your prescriptions.

Your bank account is approximately

$70 over the maximum.

- $70.00...

- [Dan’s mom] Do something fun with it... (echoes)

- Maybe what happened is

you were moved to the default plan

and due to your high prescription costs

that plan is already maxed out.

Not sure.

I do know that your plan was switched.

Look I’m in a meeting, okay?

So, you’re going to have to pay 50%

of your drug costs until the plan renews in a few months.

And then maybe you can get

back onto the low income status

that you were on.

- Okay.

I, uh, don’t understand

most of what you’re saying.

- Yeah, nobody understands.

- Half cost meds, that’s gonna run me about, uh,

$3,000 a month.

And, um, I’m running low.

And I really

really need them.

Because I have...

[MUSIC]

So, um,

I’m not gonna

I’m not gonna be able to come up with $3,000.

I don’t have $3,000.

So what else,

what else can we do, Gregory?

What, wha...

Uh, isn’t there something else that we can do?

- Well listen,

when is the next time you get a bank statement?

- Uh,

That one was from last week, so it’ll be

three weeks.

- Well here’s what I can do for you.

I’m gonna put this on hold right now.

You’re gonna send me your bank statement when you get it,

and if everything’s in order,

you can get right back onto

the low income status that you were on

and you can use your card that very same day.

That’s the best I can do.

- Uh, I’ll be out of drugs in a week, man.

- That’s the best I can do.

I’m sorry.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Keep that card. Did I give you a card?

[MUSIC]

- You gave me a card.

- [Gregory] Great.

Have a nice day.

Thanks for coming in.

- [Dan] My grandfather used to have an old Chevy Malibu.

It had a big white stripe down the left side of it

and a big white stripe down the right side of it.

The stripes were from the car scraping against the

sides of his garage.

He wouldn’t bother flicking the ashes of his Chesterfields

when he was driving.

They would just fall off when it was their time.

I loved spending time with him.

He was a great guy.

When my grandfather died,

I was ten and no one had ever died on me before.

All of a sudden it hit me.

I’m never gonna see him again.

But, I was wrong.

Every once in a while,

I’ll get into a car that has that same stale

smokey scent.

And it all comes back to me.

I look forward to those flashbacks of him.

And I wonder what

if anything,

will remind people of me.

I once dated this guy who

instead of having a tool box,

kept all of his tools in a white wicker basket.

I’m sorry, but that’s gay.

- Hi there.

- Oh, sh... (laughs)

How you doing?

- Good, yeah.

[MUSIC]

- [Dan] Wow.

How much is this?

- Ah, Hanuman. - Hanuman.

- The great monkey warrior.

Very sacred, very noble.

Valuable.

He’s a rare one, that little monkey.

- What do you want for him.

- 25 bucks.

- (sighs) 25.

Um...

Would you take...

Less?

[DOOR BUZZER]

- Did you forget your keys?

- No, I did not.

- (screams)

Oh, Jesus! What the fuck!

- I’m sorry.

- Don’t just shove a little plush animal at somebody.

What is that?

- It’s a gift. From me to you.

- That’s nice, honey, but I, he frightens me.

- Stop it. You two are meant for each other.

Now take it. I’m gonna be late, I have to go.

Take it, take it.

And love him.

- Um, thank, thank you.

- You’re very welcome. I’ll see you later.

- Thanks for the monkey.

Um,

Okay. How about this?

Good boy.

Okay.

[MUSIC]

- (sighs)

- Old man.

You’re sad.

Aren’t you?

- Yes.

I’m sad.

- I can tell.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

- Thanks for the advice, kid.

- Fortune?

Get your fortune told?

- No, thank you.

- Learn your death time, mister?

- Jesus Christ.

- I’ve got to go.

[CROW CAWS, TREES RUSTLING]

[MUSIC]

- [Dot] Oh, that’s nice.

Mmm.

(exhales sharply)

- How is everything?

- It’s okay.

I’m okay.

- Yeah? - How’s Bob doing?

- (sighs) Not so good.

He misses you.

- Okay, enough of that.

Hey,

you got any pot?

[MUSIC]

Mm.

Be sure that Bob takes his pills.

- Um, What does he take pills for?

- Just old man stuff.

You know, Paula.

I love Bob.

I really do. I love him so much.

With all my heart.

But sometimes

I just hate him.

I hate him.

(menacingly) I hate him.

- Isn’t that normal?

- Mm-mm, I don’t think so.

- I’m pretty sure it is.

- Ah.

[MUSIC STARTS AND STOPS]

(sighs)

[RADIO MUSIC]

(grunts)

- I’m so glad that wasn’t locked.

- Hey, Danny.

- Hi, Bob.

Was, uh,

in the neighborhood so I figured I’d, you know,

swing by

see how it was going.

God knows I don’t spend enough time here as it is.

So,

(sighs)

how’s it going?

- Uh, I don’t want to talk about it.

- Okay.

Then I won’t say another word.

- Now...

[BLUES MUSIC]

I win.

Eight bottles.

You’re seven.

- Give me that.

One Daily Men’s?

This is a multivitamin.

Multivitamins don’t count.

Therefore,

tis a tie.

(both sigh)

- (grunts)

(laughs)

- [TV Narrator] Coming up on National Justice

[SLAM]

brutal beatings caught on tape.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Don’t forget to lock the door.

- I always lock the door. [LOCK CLICKS]

- Mm-mm, not always.

- Do you want some coffee?

- Oh I just made a fresh pot.

- You get me.

[MUSIC]

- Sorry about the sheet.

I’m just a little shy around new people.

I hope you will understand

and not kill me.

Um...

How about that.

Yeah.

Better?

Okay.

(clears throat)

- [Dan] Mom, you can’t pay for them.

They’re $3,000.

- [Mom] A year?

- A month.

- [Mom] That’s bullshit.

- Yeah.

Look, I don’t want you to worry about this, okay?

I never should have brought it up.

Besides, I can take a little break from the drugs

for like two weeks, and

believe me, I could, I could use a break.

- [Mom] Really?

- [Dan] People do it all the time.

It’s perfectly safe, I can assure you.

- Hi Mrs. Schauble!

- [Mom] I’ll let you go.

- Okay. - [Mom] Say hi to Paula.

- Thanks for calling, mom.

- [Mom] Bye honey. - Talk to you soon.

- That’ll be nice.

You get to take a little break from the pills.

- (sighs) Are you crazy?

(laughs)

I can’t go off meds.

I could go resistant to something.

I don’t have a lot of treatment options anymore.

It’s salvage therapy or bust.

- I can’t believe Dan Shauble lied to his mother.

- Believe me, it’s for her own good.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I guess I’ll just keep going down to the pharmacy

until someone makes a mistake.

- That doesn’t sound like a very good plan.

- It’s actually not a horrible plan.

They do make a lot of mistakes down there.

They hardly ever check my card

until recently, of course.

I’ll figure something out.

- Dan.

- Virginia says hi.

- What are you gonna do?

- Medical card please.

- Of course, yes, that’s the whole

that’s how we do it.

- Gotta run the numbers through the system.

- Here she is.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Paul?

[PHONE RINGING]

Can you get that?

Paul?

I’ll be right back. - Okay. Thanks. - (scoffs)

- Hi. (Chuckles)

I’m sorry about all this.

[MUSIC]

[SLOW MOTION GROWLING]

- May I help you? - Yes, uh, I hope so.

Uh, sh, she went to answer the phone I think.

Um, just picking up.

Dan Schauble is the name. S-C-H-A-U-B-L-E, Schauble.

- That was easy.

Dan Schauble, here you are right here.

- Ah, there it is.

- Let’s just make sure we didn’t leave anything out.

- Oh, I’m sure you didn’t.

- (humming)

Lucky number seven, all there.

Uh, make sure you take this on an empty stomach.

- Yep.

- Uh, uh, if you have to eat something

uh you can get away with uh,

a piece of fruit or uh, anything that has

very little fat in it.

Fatty foods will block it from being absorbed into your system.

- Not gonna do it, not gonna eat anything.

- (laughs)

- There you go. - Thank you so much.

- You’re welcome.

- Sir!

I’m gonna have to run those numbers through the system.

I’m going to have to have to take your order

until we get approval.

Thank you.

[DIAL TONE]

[PHONE BEEPING]

- [Automated voice] Please hold while we access the information.

[MUSIC]

Client ID is not valid.

[WATCH BEEPING]

- Excuse me, uh, do you guys have a bathroom?

Okay.

It is not a good idea to bother a dog when it’s eating.

[KNOCKING]

[DOOR HANDLE JIGGLES]

Someone is in here.

A similar rule applies when people with AIDS are

taking their pills.

[KNOCKING]

Someone is in here!

[PHONE TRILLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Medical assistance.

- [Dan] Uh, hi there.

I was supposed to send in my bank statement,

uh, for income verification

and I was just wondering if I could fax that over to you?

- Uh, no sir. I’m sorry. We must see the original.

- [Dan] Okay, thanks.

- Uh, yeah.

[MUSIC]

- Hey, you want coffee?

- No thanks.

[MUSIC]

[PENCIL TAPPING]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[KNOCKING]

- Bob.

Bob, what happened?

Did you fall? Bob, what happened? - Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.

(sighs) I got a big charlie horse here, man.

A lack of potassium.

- Charlie horse?

You scared the living shit out of me.

- [Bob] Huh?

This banana should do the trick.

- [Dan] Yeah, because that’s exactly how bananas work.

They’re like heroin, you take one bite and then

all the potassium that you need shoots directly

into your bloodstream.

- Thanks for the info, doctor.

- Why don’t you just come and stay with us?

- (sighs)

This is better for me, honestly.

And I’ve been around a long time.

I can take care of myself.

- (scoffs) Yeah, I can see that.

This is, uh,

this is self-preservation 101.

Standing offer, okay?

My door’s always open.

(sighs)

- I never thought I’d end up in my golden years like this.

- Yeah, well I never thought my golden years would be my 40s.

- Don’t be morbid.

- [Dan] It’s true.

There is a very good chance that you will outlive me.

- I don’t want to hear about it, okay?

- Okay, I’m sorry.

- You, you, you should be sorry.

This is my time to be miserable, not yours.

- I can be miserable just as good as you can.

- Yeah, in your dreams.

- Do you want me to call her?

- Don’t you dare.

- Okay. I won’t.

- Good. - (chuckles)

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]

- (sobbing)

[PRESSING BUTTON URGENTLY]

- Okay, is it buzzing right now, or is it making like

a whistling noise, like a (blows air/slight whistle)

Is it doing that?

Okay. Okay, try that. Call me back later.

Okay, bye.

Hello.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- Hi, uh

I have a, a 1:00 appointment with Dr. Denny.

- All right. Let me see.

You are Daniel...

Daniel? Dan? Okay.

Oh, Dan, it looks like you’ve got a $47 past due.

- Can I send you a check?

[MUSIC]

- Hello, Daniel.

- Hi doc, how, how are, how are you?

- Fine. Uh, any complaints?

- No, sir.

Not of the medical variety, anyway.

- And, uh, what about that skin?

- Good. Normal.

It’s good.

[PAPERS SHUFFLING]

You have a dog, huh?

- No, I don’t.

- All right.

- Everything looks okay.

Just keep doing what you’re doing and, uh,

we’ll see you in two months.

- Okay, thank you.

[OFFICE PHONE RINGING]

[MUSIC]

Excuse me.

I saw you.

Okay. (clears throat)

[MUSIC]

- [Man] Don’t fucking move. - [Dan] Okay.

- [Mugger] Give me your fucking money.

- [Dan] I’ve got a little money right here.

- [Mugger] (stuttering) I w-I will kill you. Come on! Come on!

- [Dan] Man, I’m giving you my money.

- [Mugger] Just shut the fuck up! [METALLIC THUD]

- (grunts)

Ow, fuck.

Ow!

Hey, you’re supposed to hit me first

not after I give you all my money!

You moron!

Ugh.

(sighs)

[MUSIC] And as I lay there bleeding,

looking at the vast

dark of the night sky,

I’m thinking,

I just don’t take enough time to appreciate nature.

Look at that thing.

It’s beautiful.

- So, um...

What do you do?

- I’m a ranger.

- Really?

That’s neat! What, what

what does a ranger do? (laughs)

- Well, it’s a lot of responsibility.

[MUSIC]

But it’s very fulfilling.

What I’ve always wanted to do. I love nature.

- So, um...

Do y... hm...

Ah, okay.

(laughs)

Here we go.

Spinach.

I love spinach.

- You know, so do I.

Something we have in common.

- (laughs nervously)

Very well done.

Terrific order.

Mm.

This is really good.

- And good for you.

- And good for you. (chuckles)

Most importantly.

These, um...

These olives are unusual.

- What olives?

- What kind of sick fuck puts bacon in spinach salad?

- Okay, if we could just move past

the bacon portion of the evening,

how, how was the rest of the date?

- Oh that was it.

He knew I was a strict vegetarian, I told him,

we talked about it for five minutes,

but the fucking ranger just sat there

and watched me eat little hog bits.

I mean, aren’t rangers supposed to look out for people?

Isn’t that their job?

To, to, to protect people?

I’m through, I really am,

I am so sick of it.

Ugh, I give up.

Why am I always looking for relationships?

Relationships are crap!

I don’t need a man.

- I do. I really do. I’d like that.

I really would.

- Don... hey, don’t. Leave it alone!

It’s gonna get infected.

- So weird. It’s like,

it’s like numb. Shouldn’t it hurt?

It should sting or something.

- It’s normal.

Don’t touch it.

- I feel a migraine coming on.

Do you have any coffee?

- You need to cut back.

- Oh God.

(sniffs)

You see? Caffeine.

Just immediately keeps my headaches in check.

- It’s time

for us to take control.

- Yes. (slams fist)

- (slams fist)

- What are you talking about?

- Learn how to defend ourselves! Take control!

- Oh, I don’t know.

I, I appreciate a good challenge.

And having little to no control is way more challenging,

don’t you think?

- I am not going to be unprepared

if somebody decides to mug me.

I’m gonna take control,

I’m gonna learn how to protect myself.

I’m tired of being scared.

- This is good. I like this for you.

You should learn how to protect yourself.

- Yeah.

- Meanwhile, I think maybe I’ll go to the zoo.

- (muffled) All right everybody so here’s what’s gonna happen:

I’m gonna grab you and then you hit

you hit, you hit

arms and elbows and everything that we discussed,

all right?

You’re first. Don’t hold back.

(growling)

- No, no!

No, no,

no, no!

[CLAPPING]

- (growls) - No!

No, no!

No!

[CLAPPING]

[TROLLEY HORN TOOTS]

[MUSIC]

- Hi there.

[LLAMA CALL]

All right. I give up. You win.

- We have nothing to fear

but fear itself.

- FDR.

That’s, that’s good.

- Don’t be scared.

- I’m not scared.

[LION ROARS]

Are you scared?

- Don’t be scared.

(echoing) We all die someday.

[MONKEYS SCREECH]

[MUSIC]

[WATCH BEEPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?

- [Man] Dan Schauble please?

- This is he.

- [Mark] Hello Mr. Schauble, my name is Mark

and I’m calling from the benefits of life company.

We are a company that believes

there are times when we all need help

managing our lives.

Add the complexities of living with a life-threatening illness

like yours, Mr. Schauble, and I’m sure

life can at times

seem out of control.

Uh, my job is to assist you in obtaining immediate

financial relief.

I’d like to help you reduce your stress level.

By paying the maximum

for your life insurance policy.

We are... [SNAPS]

- (sighs)

- [Automated voice] Please hold while we

access the information.

[DOOR CHIMES]

Client ID is not valid.

- There’s a new moon tonight.

- Oh boy.

- Hello. - Hi.

(laughs)

- Thanks for the paper people.

- I didn’t have scissors.

If I’d had some scissors they would’ve been way better.

- I’m Mike.

- I’m Dan. It’s nice... - Hi Dan.

- (laughs) Nice to meet you.

- What did you do to your eye?

- Oh.

Well that’s a fun story.

Uh, I was mugged a couple nights ago.

- Wow. - Not too far from here.

By a very unhappy man.

Who also had a crowbar.

- Wow. And you’ve, you’ve come back.

You’re just back here tonight.

For the second round.

Impressive.

- Well I happen to like this park very much.

And also, my

roommate/massage therapist told me that I should come here.

And that I should talk to the trees.

Because they have special powers

or something like that.

And if I talk to them I can

absorb their energy.

She says that I should be more spiritual and...

(sigh-laughs)

I’m just vomiting way too much information right now

aren’t I?

(laughs) I’m sorry.

- No, no, no it’s interesting.

That is actually, genuinely interesting.

I, I want to know more.

- Question 1: - Mhm.

- Are they listening?

- (laughs) I don’t know.

- And question 2: Do you do it out loud?

- I don’t know, I haven’t made my opening statement.

(laughs)

I don’t know if I’m supposed to pick a single tree

or address them as a group.

Um, I should’ve asked more questions.

I don’t know maybe the whole spirituality thing isn’t for me.

- No! Don’t give up!

Just start with a bush.

- (giggles-snorts)

Oh my God.

- Wow.

- That was a very strange

laugh that I just made.

That’s, that’s nothing like my real laugh.

- Give me your hand.

Give me your hand. - Okay.

- I just want to see your palm.

- Oh dear.

- Look

See that? See those spirals?

- Uh, yeah.

- Yeah? You see them?

- Uh huh.

- Those spirals show that actually

you are in very good shape.

Spiritually.

Here you go.

Look, I’ve gotta go. I have a, um

I have a dinner date.

- Of course you do.

- It’s with my sister.

She’s, uh, in town a couple days,

just wanted to see Chinatown, so...

- I love Chinese food.

- (both laugh)

Aargh. Maybe I’ll, I’ll

see you around sometime?

- Maybe you will.

I mean you can walk me home.

- Yeah, I could do that. Definitely wanna do that.

All right, your turn. What do you do?

- I am a painter...

Walls for a living, and then

not for a living, on canvas.

- Fascinating, I never would’ve guessed that.

- No? - (chuckles)

- Yeah, I’ve got bad aim.

- Well maybe I can see some of your paintings sometime.

- Yeah, maybe.

What were you doing at our doctor’s office?

- Uh, I’ve been going there

for about two years.

- Oh.

- How ’bout you?

- Oh, that was my fi-uh, that was my second time.

Uh, I like it there.

They seem to know what they’re doing.

- They have a very fine reputation.

- Mm. And considering their specialty, I’m assuming

you’re positive?

[MUSIC]

- Are you?

- I am.

- Are you sure? - I am positive. (Chuckles)

- Well you assume correctly, I, too, am positive.

- How long?

- You first.

- Uh, I think two years, I’m not sure. Might be more.

Your turn.

- To do what?

- (laughs) To tell me how long you’ve been positive.

- It’s a little personal, don’t you think?

- Fine.

Be that way.

You don’t really strike me as a bouncer.

- Well, I,

I do a lot more than just bounce there.

(clears throat) I do many things.

Um, the owner Bob, sort of, like,

family.

- You been in any big fights?

- Uh, I’ve tried to break up a few.

Uh, I’m not a confrontational person,

so it generally doesn’t go well for me.

[GLASS BREAKING] [JUKEBOX MUSIC]

(coughing)

[YELLING AND SCREAMING]

I do not... (grunts)

I’m all right!

I’m okay.

God, this is a lovely street.

- Mm, it’s nice, I like it.

Also, this is my house.

- No way! - Yeah.

- It’s beautiful. - Thank you.

Uh,

I’m gonna take you for food tomorrow night.

- Y-yes, I acc...

Okay, I acc... I accept that.

- Good.

Do you have a pen or something to write down my number?

- I have a pen.

- Wow. - Pick a pen, any pen.

- Someone’s a writer. Is it you?

- (chuckles)

Um. (Clears throat)

Confession: I’m sort of

between

cell phones at the moment

so, um,

I’m gonna give you my

home number.

The old land line.

And um, you can call that.

And if I’m not there just, just uh...

Just leave a message.

- Okay.

Well I will call you tomorrow.

And we can work out specifics.

- I love specifics.

- I love specifics, too.

(clears throat)

(whispers) All right then.

(sighs)

[MUSIC]

(sighs)

[MUSIC QUICKENS]

[DIAL TONE] YES!

Yes.

(sighs)

[MUSIC]

[KNOCKING]

Hello, Bob.

- Danny.

- Don’t get up. I just brought

you some donuts to help pass the time.

- Jelly?

- Are there any other kind?

- Ah. You sure know how to cheer up an old man, huh?

- I sure do.

And now I was thinking of making some decaf

would you like some?

- Decaf?

- I should probably get some sleep tonight,

because I

(sings) have a date tomorrow.

- (chuckles) Yeah, about time.

Bring him by. I want to meet him.

- Only if you promise to keep your hands to yourself.

It is a first date, after all.

Decaf or no?

- Eh, sure.

So, one old man to another...

How do I get her back?

- Whoa.

Did you actually...

You just asked me that?

- Yes, I’m asking you.

So, what do I do.

- Bob, this is good, we’re gonna talk about this,

this is good! Okay. Um.

Do you love her?

- Of course I love her!

What kind of question is that?

- Maybe it’s the question that she’s asking herself.

Think about how long she’s been married to you

and what an enormous pain in the ass

that must’ve been. - Whoa, whoa...

- Think about how hard it must be to be married to you-

- So what do I do?

- Well, you could start with something very simple.

You say,

’I’m sorry.’

- That’ll never work. - (laughs)

(sighs)

Try it on me. (sniffs)

- Try what?

- I want you to try apologizing.

- So I’m supposed to say...

- I want you to look me in the eyes and say,

’Dot, - Dot... ’I’m sorry.’

Or ’Dot, I love you.’

- Okay, I, okay...

- Because I think at this point either one will go a long way.

- Dot, I love you!

- I love you too, Bob.

I’ve always loved you.

Since that first night at the Filmore,

when you took me to see "Bebe."

- Way back then? - Yeah.

- Wow.

- I’m gonna come sit on your lap.

- Come on.

- I’m gonna come sit on your lap right now.

[CHAIR SCOOCHES] - Dan. Come on.

(both laugh)

[MUSIC] - [Automated voice] Please hold

while we access the information.

Client ID is not valid.

- I’m sorry.

- It’s okay.

I know it’s, I know it’s not your fault.

- He’s got a grenade! [SCREAMING]

- I, I... [SCREAM]

- [Automated voice] Client ID is not valid.

- I’m sorry.

- It’s, it’s not your fault, um...

How about my migraine pills, can I, I could just

pay with cash for those?

- Of course!

That’ll be $21 even.

- Can I get half?

- [Mugger] Don’t fuckin’ move! Give me your fuckin’ money!

- [Paula] No!

[CLATTERS] NO!

[THUD]

- (groans) Ugh.

[LOW TONE] (grunts, gasps)

- You’re lucky I’m nice.

- (heavy breathing)

[MUSIC]

So beautiful...

I’m okay, kid.

Thanks, thanks for your concern, but go on home.

Okay, you’re creeping me out now. Go away.

- Let this be a lesson to you.

Crime doesn’t pay.

- Got it.

And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

- Okay.

[SIREN]

[QUICK FOOTSTEPS]

[CATS YOWLING]

[DOGS BARKING]

- [Mike] I call this one the Grim Peeper.

- It’s horrible. I love it.

- Really? - [Dan] I do.

It’s all, it’s all great!

- Wait here.

- Sh-, should I be worried?

- (Mike laughs)

- [Dan] I guess if I’m being honest, they’re a touch darker

than I was expecting.

But uh, I really do dig them, man.

Is that a meerkat?

- [Mike] (from other room) Yep!

- I would, I would tell you that I like them

even if I didn’t because that’s a

thing that I do.

It’s a problem for me but

the truth is, I really...

I’m just really impressed.

I mean, it’s all really great.

- Well, I thought it would appeal to you.

Oh, is, is that, that’s not something

that gentlemen do here,

go through other men’s wallets?

- Sure, have at it.

I have nothing to hide.

- Good.

- (sighs)

- [Mike] Who’s this?

- That is Kevin.

- An ex?

- An ex.

We were together for years.

And then he died.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, what can you do.

(chuckles)

- Looks like a nice guy.

- Oh, he was a great guy.

- You never answered my question.

- You’ve asked me many questions.

- How long

have you been positive?

- A long time.

- How long?

- Longer than you.

- Tell me. Just tell me.

- Okay.

Twenty-two years.

- Twenty-two years. Man.

Long time.

- Yeah.

- You ever been sick?

- No.

Not really.

Okay! Um,

I know that (sighs)

I know it’s a little early

in the proceedings to be playing favorites, but

he’s my favorite.

I love trolls.

- Well thank, thank you for that but,

that’s not a troll.

That’s a mini-miser.

- There’s no such thing as a mini-miser.

- It was the number four best selling toy in the UK, all-time.

Fact.

- Liar.

- That is, that’s a mini-miser.

- Do you not know what that is?

- No. - [Dan] Oh.

- What is this. What was that?

- Ah. That is a thing

that they used to do back in the day.

First time it happened to me, I was in New York at a club.

I was talking to this guy and then another guy,

who I’d never met, came up

and drew a little cross on my back.

And then later he found me at the bar

and he was like "Yo, man. I just had to warn you."

That guy you were talking to,

"HIV pos." (chuckles)

(sighs)

- That’s insane.

- And then I was just super paranoid, you know?

I was always keeping an eye out for anyone who

was walking behind the person that I was talking to

which was a completely irrational fear

because the only one who knew I was positive was me.

Still.

- Look, let me show you something.

- (gasps)

- [Mike] Yeah.

That’s my original model.

Do you like him?

- I like him very much. - Yeah? Do you want him?

- Yes. - You can have him.

He’s yours.

(sighs)

- I shall have you. - (chuckles)

- I used to have this recurring dream

when I was a kid.

I had this old steamer trunk.

And inside the trunk, I would keep all of my magic stuff,

because I was very into magic.

- (breathes deeply)

- And in the nightmare,

this creepy little puppet man

would jump up on the steamer trunk

But he wasn’t a puppet because there were no strings.

He could move all by himself.

And he’d stare at me.

And then, his face would start bleeding.

Usually out of his nose, but sometimes

it would be an ear or one of his eye sockets.

And you could tell, like,

he liked it.

He liked bleeding from the face.

And then he would start humming.

- I...

I don’t think I want to hear this.

- And then, his face would start bleeding more,

and more, and more.

And he’s just staring me down,

blood gushing from all of his facial orifices.

Humming.

And I had this dream

every night for a solid year

when I was like, 10 or 11. (sniffs)

Do you wanna know how I beat him?

I’ll tell you.

I started thinking about

this creepy little dick

every night before I went to bed.

I would just start cycling through all of his

demonic antics in my brain

and the more and more I thought about him,

the less and less scared I was.

And then one night,

(whispers) Pow. Nightmares just

stopped.

And the young warlock had defeated

the creepy little

faux puppet fucker.

(laughs softly)

The end.

[MUSIC]

- (sighs)

- I, I don’t want to do this.

And why did you make me wear this fuckin’ suit?

- Because you look like a truck driver

who’d been living in a Mexican motel for a year.

That’s why.

Now just go ring the doorbell and give her the flowers.

It’s gonna be so easy.

- I feel like an ass, okay?

Come on, let’s go.

- Stop being such a fag.

- (gasps) - Yeah. I can say that.

Especially if the situation calls for it.

Now open your door and get out of this car.

- (sighs) - (mocking) Yeah, shit.

- Yeah, shit...

- (mocking) My legs and my ass.

- Ah, shit.

It’s a journey just getting out the f... car.

- Ooh, that’s a pretty suit, Bob!

- Suck it, Donnie!

- Oh, that hurts my feelings.

- (heavy breathing)

- Hey I’ll see you over there

at that place next week, eh, Bob?

- [Bob] Yeah, I’ll be there.

Say hi to Linda.

[MUSIC] Are you shittin’ me?

(heavy breathing)

[DOOR OPENING]

She wasn’t home. Let’s go.

- She wasn’t home, huh? That’s funny

’cause I’m pretty sure I just saw her through the window.

- (stammers) Come on, lets, let’s g...

[HORN HONKING] No no, don’t honk the horn!

You’re gonna disturb people in the neighborhood here!

- Who am I gonna disturb? It’s 3:00 in the afternoon.

- People are napping, okay? They’re napping at 3:00 here.

Let’s drive. Drive. Go.

- It’s the neighborhood nap time?

- Yes, it’s the neighborhood nap time.

[CAR ENGINE]

- Maybe you should date more often. This place is spotless.

- (giggles)

I just have this extra skip in my step.

- (blows) - Hmm.

- (sighs)

I gotta tell ya, it’s...

it’s been, it’s been surprisingly refreshing

dating someone who’s positive

again.

You know after Kevin I just,

there was no way, you know, I thought I would never

you know, want to go through...

Um... [TAPPING MUG]

But it’s just easier. In a lot of ways, it’s easier.

- Well, Snowball and I are very happy for you.

- Thank you. Both of you. And can I just say

I am delighted that you two are getting

on so well.

- (cartoon voice) Uncle Dan, I love my mom.

(normal tone) Aw, thank you, sweetheart.

I love you, too.

(cartoon voice) Yes I do! I love her.

We’re very proud of you!

You’re getting out there! Good for you! (Laughs)

- Yeah.

But let’s, let’s not give up on the

idea of a, of a real man, okay?

Let’s keep that ball in the air.

Balls! [MUSIC]

- (whispers) Don’t listen to him.

He doesn’t mean it.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?

- [Mike] Hi, uh, could I speak to Dan, please?

- Well, um...

I guess that depends. Who’s this?

- [Mike] (laughs) It’s uh, it’s Mike.

The only British person likely to be calling you.

- (chuckles) Well how’s it goin’?

- (Mike) Yeah, good. Um, good I think. I, I had a

really nice time last night.

- Ah, so did I. I can’t wait to do it again,

like, oh, I don’t know...

Tonight?

Hello?

Is this thing on? [TAPS PHONE]

- [Mike] Uh, I’m not, I’m not really very good at this,

I’m just gonna come out and say it.

- Say what?

- [Mike] I think it’s a bad idea, um,

for me to try and date right now.

Um, I mean, I, I’ve just

(clears throat) I’ve been going through a lot of stuff

and I had a great time with you

and you seem really sweet but um, I just, I can’t date

right now, it’s hard to explain.

Sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t, I don’t want to sound like a dick.

I just need to...

(sighs) It’s just, 22 years

is a long time.

And um...

- (clears throat) No, you’re right, I get it.

I understand. Completely.

Um. (Clicks tongue) I’m gonna have to go.

Because something is burning somewhere.

(laughs)

[MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

[MACHINE CLICKS]

- [On recording] Hi, this is Dan. I’m not around.

Please leave a message.

[PHONE BEEP]

- [Dan’s mom] Dan honey, are you there?

I’m feeling a little dizzy and my eye is all pink.

And there’s a strange looking guy on the porch.

Could you call me when you can?

- Mom, hello?

Mom, what’s wrong?

- [Mom] I’m sorry, honey.

I just wanted you to pick up.

- Ugh.

Jesus Christ, that’s,

(sighs) that’s diabolical.

- [Mom] Paula tells me you’re depressed.

- Well, I’m fine.

- [Mom] What is it?

- (sighs) It’s nothing.

Some guy,

okay? I, I hardly knew him.

I got rejected. (Chuckles)

So...

(sighs) So that’s it.

Okay? It’s no big deal.

- [Mom] No big deal but you locked yourself

in your apartment for three days?

- Okay, it hasn’t been three days.

It’s been a day and I’m...

(inhales)

I’m better now.

You should...

You should see me, I’m doing quite well.

- [Mom] Have you had coffee?

- No.

- [Mom] So, you’re depressed and on top of it

you decide to stop drinking coffee?

Cold turkey?

Honey, you have an addiction.

You need to feed it.

I’ll hang up if you promise

to go make some coffee.

- (exhales) Okay.

- [Mom] You can quit when you’re better in the head.

- Okay.

[MUSIC]

Ah.

(burps) Ugh.

(sighs)

She’s a very smart woman.

- [Woman on TV] I was heading off to Chile for a trip once

when my then-young-daughter asked me

’Mommy, is it chilly in Chile?’

(laughs) It can be.

While we may think of this South American country

as a hot spot, the Andes Mountains...

- [Man on TV] Take a look at this little guy, a tiny

mouse lemur from Madagascar. [WATCH BEEPING]

- [Woman] He is adorable! I want one!

(man chuckles)

are one of the most endangered on the planet.

- [Man] Sad, but very, very true. (Chuckles)

Good night, everybody.

[TV MUSIC]

- Ah.

- [On TV] Same to you, Jeff.

- When you get yourself shot full of holes

- and all crippled up, why, - (sniggers)

- [Jeff] Come on over and sit under my fig tree for a spell.

- [Billy] (chuckles) All right.

- [Jeff] Bye, Billy.

- [Billy] So long, Fuzzy.

You know where to find us if you ever change your mind.

- [Jeff] Sure do.

[GUN FIGHT ON TV]

[WATCH BEEPING]

- (sniffs)

[TV CHATTER]

[WATCH BEEPING]

Take on an empty stomach,

do not miss an dose. Do not take more than one dose.

And if I do?

[PHONE DIALING]

[PHONE TRILLING]

[BEEPING]

- [Automated voice] Pharmacy hours are from 8:00 AM

to 9:00 PM.

Please call back during business hours.

[MUSIC]

- Make sure you take this one on an empty stomach.

Fatty foods will block it from being absorbed into your system.

- Ugh!

[MICROWAVE DINGS]

Ah.

[WATCH BEEPING AND GLITCHING]

[BEEPING WINDS DOWN]

[WATCH BEEPS]

(breathes heavily)

(sighs)

(breathes heavily)

- Are you all right?

You okay?

- I’m fine.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.

- [Paula] Should I be worried?

- Good night, Paula.

- [Paula] Good night.

- (sighs)

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

(sighs)

[PULSE] (gasps)

Ow, what the...?

[PULSE] (gasps) Ah...

Fuck is... Ah.

(exhales sharply)

Ooh.

(groaning)

[PHONE VIBRATING]

- Hello? - [Dan] Hey!

Okay, there’s definitely something

wrong with me.

I’m in a great deal of pain.

And I think, uh,

think I need to go to the emergency room.

- I’m calling an ambulance.

- No! No, no, no.

Don’t be crazy.

Just, just come get me.

Please, please just come get me?

[ENGINE REVVING]

- We are two blocks from the hospital.

- Ugh!

- Just hang in there, Danny! - Aargh! Shit!

- Aaah, red light, okay. Okay.

- (grunting)

- Okay, we’re almost there. Keep breathing!

[VOICE ECHOES AND FADES]

- [Dan] Kevin?

- There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

[PULSE] - (grunts)

[HOSPITAL LOUDSPEAKER CHATTER]

- We have nothing to fear

but fear itself.

[RIPPING] (gasps)

(screams)

- [Man on TV] These are flying off the shelves.

Commemorative 9/11

hunting knives.

The iconic twin towers on these handles

are coated with a fluid-resistant

sure grip resin.

Beautiful tribute weapon.

- [Dan] Thank you, doctor.

You can send my friends in. I’ll break the news.

You don’t, you don’t have to do that.

- I’ll give you some privacy. - Thank you.

I’ll miss you.

- Hey! - Hey!

Look who’s here!

- (chuckles)

- [Dan] Dot!

I did not expect to see you.

How are you?

- I’m okay. The big question is:

- How are you? - Yeah, how are you?

- (sighs) - [Paula] What is it?

What’s wrong?

- (sniffs)

Look, you guys are my family.

I’m not gonna mince words.

We all knew this day would come.

I have a kidney stone.

- Oh, you ass! - (laughs)

- [Paula] I thought it was serious!

- It is very serious.

Do you have any idea how much these things hurt?

(sighs)

- Yeah I, I had a kidney stone once.

- You had a gall stone.

- Same thing.

Ah...

I’m sorry, you’re right.

It was a gall stone.

- [Dan] Aw, it was a gall stone.

You guys should get out of here.

I’m gonna be stuck for a couple hours at least.

- I’ll wait with him. You both go ahead.

- Are you sure? - Of course!

You’re perfectly healthy. It’s poopy here. Go.

- We’re all just glad you’re all right.

Yeah...

Ah, man.

(sniffs)

- That was adorable.

The only time I’ve seen him cry was once,

during an extreme home makeover.

- (crying) Just glad you’re okay, man.

- Bob.

- Aw.

He’s so sensitive.

I should’ve just married a lady.

- We gon’ get out of here.

We’ll see ya.

- Bye, Bob!

- Bye!

- [Bob] Bye bye.

(chuckles)

- Oh my god.

What did I miss? What happened?

- I think your stone brought them back together.

- Well shit, I should’ve thought of this

way sooner.

- How are you feeling?

- I have no idea. I’m on morphine.

- (laughs) I’m so glad you’re okay.

Is there anything else I can get you?

- No, I’m good. I’m so good.

You should get comfy.

- All right, let me know if there’s anything else.

- I’m just gonna ride this high.

- Okay.

[PAPER SHUFFLING]

[KEYS CLATTER]

- [Paula] (baby talk) Boy, oh boy,

Ooh, it’s nice and warm!

Oh, who’s a dirty boy?

Who is a dirty, dirty boy? Dirty boy?

(squeaky voice) Take that! (normal voice) Oh!

You take that!

(squeaky) No, you take that! (normal) No you take that.

Watch it. Watch it. You settle down.

- So, this is a thing that’s happening.

- Oh hey, if you, uh, are going out,

could you pick up some more dishwashing liquid?

I used it all up. I used it all up on you.

- You talking to me or the monkey?

- Yeah right behind the ears.

(sing-songy) Right behind the ears.

[MUSIC]

- Ow.

Stupid shoes...

Oh, ah! (Grunts)

- Oh, hey there!

Hey, hey, hey!

- Ah... - You okay?

- Oh, I think I cut my knee.

- You need a few stitches there.

- Oh no, no.

No, I’m HIV positive, you don’t want to do that.

- Huh.

Aren’t we all. (Laughs)

What’s your name?

- (sighs) Lisa.

- Well, Lisa.

I’ve got good news.

You picked a great place to wipe out.

We’re about 6 blocks away from a hospital.

- (sighs) I’m a little drunk.

- Can you stand?

Aargh!

Whoa! Ha ha.

Good work.

- Um.

- One step at a time. - Okay.

This way?

(sighs) Oh gosh, thank you.

- Sure!

- Thank you so much. Oh.

- You know what? Um... - (groans)

- In the interest of time,

we should revise our plan.

- Okay.

- (grunts)

Here we go, Lisa! [MUSIC]

Here we go.

Yup. You’re doing great.

- (breathes heavily) - Okay.

- I’m a little out of shape.

I just tied my shirt around your knee

’cause I needed a breather.

- Oh, now I feel bad. - I’m a little out of shape.

It’s true...

We’re so close though.

(exhales)

- (grunts) - Aye, ah.

- Oh, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

- That hurt me. - Lisa, Lisa-a-a.

Mother of god. Mother of god.

Little help?

Oh that’s...

That’s fortuitous.

- [Nurse] What happened?

- I cut my leg pretty bad I think.

- Here’s your...

- Oh, thank you, I owe you one.

- No, it’s no problem.

You gonna be okay?

- [Nurse] We’ll take real good care of her.

- Oh, but what about your shirt?

- Oh, uh, keep it!

[MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

- [Paula] Hello! Danny?

Mwa.

- Pray tell. - (laughs)

What is in this pretty bag?

[UNZIPPING]

You are way too good to me.

- Turn, turn it over.

- Happy retirement, Guillermo. - (laughs)

It was half price!

- It’s perfect.

- You like it? - I love it.

- Aw.

Look at that!

That’s really handsome.

- I was thinking that it was a really good thing

that I smashed the other one.

I got it when I started taking meds and every time that

fucking alarm went off

my whole body just seized up.

Reminded me of the super scary old days.

- Well, this one does not have an alarm.

- Good.

- [Automated voice] Please hold while we access

the information.

Please hold while we access the information.

Client ID is approved.

[MUSIC]

- Thank you. (Laughs)

[PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRING]

[MUSIC]

- (humming to music)

- (gasps)

(heavy breathing)

[MUSIC]

- So I have decided to have a monogamous relationship

with myself.

- (chuckles)

- I am going to cheat every now and again

on myself, because what I don’t know

cannot hurt me.

- I think I’m going to have a beer.

- I think that’s a fine idea.

(sniffs)

All right, let’s do this. (Clears throat)

Hello

and welcome

to Poetry Slam Thursday at club Dot.

I am your host, Dan Schauble.

We have two poets for you tonight,

but that is exactly two more than we had last week,

so I am totally stoked, but before I call them up,

I’ve got a little something of my own.

Uh, this one’s a little rough around the edges.

Still workshopping it, so go easy on me, okay?

(sighs)

AIDS.

[MUSIC]

What did I do to make you

so fucking angry?

Here I was thinking that

maybe you and I could be friends.

I guess that was naive.

You scurry through my system

like a nimble little kitty. (chuckles)

Naturally, I am allergic to cats.

Cats are ridiculous and adorable

the way that they bat shit around...

I want one so badly.

(sighs)

AIDS.

I give you a place to live.

I put a roof over your head.

I share my bed with you every night.

And in return all you do is try to kill me.

I think that’s so

rude.

Considering the fact that we have to

spend the rest of our lives together.

You should make an effort. You should make an effort

to work things out.

Because, should you kill me,

I have a promise for you,

you sick,

soulless, son of a bitch.

I’m taking you down with me, motherfucker.

But enough about me. (clears throat)

It’s time to welcome two very brave souls

to the stage.

We’ll start with Gene Schnitzel.

He’ll hand off to Maddie Levine.

Give it up, the mic is yours,

it’s Poetry Slam Night at Club Dot!

[CLAPPING]

- [Paula] Well done, AIDS boy.

- Definitely keep calling me that.

Ha.

Well hello.

It’s time for me to take my AIDS drugs.

These are really good.

- What?

Mm.

- Mm.

They are good. Mm.

- [Dot] That’s right they’re good.

They’re goddamn Swiss flavored.

- Mm-hm.

Swiss flavor, baby. (Laughs)

[TV NEWS MUSIC]

- [Anchorwoman] National American Shopping Day

is alive and well... - [Bob] (to Dot) Yeah, baby.

- [Anchorwoman] And Brian Navarro is covering things

from the streets of Hayes Valley. Brian?

- [Brian] A field trip into the city proved to be

a fun experience for students and teachers alike,

and first grader Kimberly Miller is here,

who has a little bit of advice for the shoppers at home.

Kimberly?

[CROWS CAWING]

- Let the buyer beware.

[MUSIC]