Original subtitles

The Met have been after a London drug dealer known as The Dean for years.

Yet I've just arrested him with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

I think you put the cocaine in his car.

When were we supposed to have done this?

How about a donation for my bucket?

How would we even go about planting drugs in a man's car?

- I've been at the... - Community Centre.

- All day. - You never let them out of your sight?

No, ma'am.

We're suing you for wrongful dismissal,

breach of contract, and workplace bullying.

I'm middle-aged, divorced and unemployed,

but I think you're terrific and I wondered if you'd like

to grab a bite to eat sometime.

You can't park here unless you have a disability.

I do. My girlfriend's a crippling bore.

- Oh, charming! - Wait--

Come back to bed.

Er, yeah. I'd... I'd love to but I have to...

I have to go out.

When are you coming back?

I'm not sure.

Oh?

Mysterious.

Well... can I see you again? I had fun tonight.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Great.

Well, let me get my phone and we can swap deets.

Can you just... just pull over here?

- You got those Maris Pipers? - Yeah.

Some people think Community Payback is an easy option.

- A soft touch. - Yeah, everyone.

Well, it ain't.

This lot may look innocent enough, but never forget,

you are dealing with hardened criminals.

Why do they hate me? It's like they know I had a bacon roll for breakfast!

Never show weakness.

These offenders will eat you alive,

unless, like me, you're tough

and you've earned their respect.

A bit like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

I'm exactly like Michelle Pfeiffer.

But I bet you look better in a PVC catsuit.

Inappropriate but I'll allow it.

Listen up!

This is Stan.

Stan is a trainee Community Service Supervisor.

Stan is a homosexual, which does not matter.

Stan is also my protégé, which is a French word for 'minion'.

Isn't 'minion' already a French word?

Do you want cinq more hours?

Non.

Now I want you to think of Stan as an extension of me.

A second head growing out of my neck.

Now, I want you to treat this second head with respect.

As much respect as the first head?

- No. - So how much respect?

About half.

The second head is definitely inferior to the first head.

I want you to blow this and say, "Back to work."

What, already?

God, this job moves quick.

Only got my first pair of smart shoes on Monday.

Welcome to the jungle.

You're gonna need to work on that puff.

No, can't call him a poof, it's homophobic.

No, "puff", "work on that puff", like whistle blowing.

Apparently, you can say... you can say "queer" again now. That's come back.

I'm not risking it.

It's like in the '90s when they said that Vietnam is now a holiday destination.

I thought, "Yeah, wait and see on that one."

- Back to work.

Now, you four.

You're this close to completing your hours, all right?

So less attitude, more servitude.

Back to work.

I don't suppose you've got any blister plasters, do you?

These brogues are still pinching.

Suck it up. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Hey!

I need your help!

Oh!

- Is he dead? - Yes!

We have to hide the body.

I'm sorry, "we"?!

This isn't my car. People will be looking for it.

- She means, why would we help you?! - Because you're all involved!

How? We haven't seen you in six months.

Sorry, this might seem like an obvious question,

but why have you got a dead body?!

- It's a lovely day for it, innit? - I'm gonna get some snout and...

In this job, you need a sixth sense for what's happening all around you.

These criminal types are always up to something.

Jesus Christ!

And it's our responsibility to know what.

What have you got there?

- Oh... - Hay.

What, it takes four of you to carry some hay?

How heavy is it?

You'd be fucking surprised.

Townies. Hurry up then.

See, what I did there was wave my authority dick in their face.

- What are you writing down? - Your words of wisdom.

Oh. What have you got so far?

"Crime costs" and "Here's your invoice".

"Napoleon said rule with an iron fist and a velvet glove.

Wrong. Rule with an iron fist and an iron glove".

And "Bring your own bog roll 'cause these bastards will steal anything".

Good advice.

- Police!

Open up!

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Does this mean I have a shot at another date?

Maybe I'm just here to order some jerk chicken.

What, at eight in the morning?

- Heart wants what it wants. - So...

how about tonight?

Yeah, I'm gonna have to check my diary.

- Mmm. - But...

it's looking good.

Yes! Looking very good.

I'll see you tonight.

I'll see you later.

No to illegal deportations!

Right, everybody out, please!

♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved ♪

♪ Just like a tree that's planted by the water ♪

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

Bye-bye then. Move on.

I'm heavier than I look, aren't I?

Like a futon.

Myrna?

Sean.

You haven't changed.

You have.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

- Last time I pay for speedy boarding.

I thought that you and your wife lived in Toronto.

We're divorced. I'm gonna be back in Bristol for a week.

Doing a guest lecture at our old university, shilling my new book.

Yeah, I read your last one. I liked it.

Would you... like to go for a drink before I leave?

Er... no.

No, I'm really busy, all the time.

Well, if you get a free moment,

here's my number. Oh?

So glad I ran into you.

Who says activism achieves nothing?

Here's hoping to see you soon.

The boundary wall does encroach five yards further into Mr Cowen's property

- than you and your wife first indi-ca-ted. - Ooh, yes!

Ooh, that's so good!

Erm, now taking this to the courts would be time-consuming.

- It's expen...

- ...sive.

But what I can recommend is contacting the Land Reg--

Can you give me one second to discuss something with my paralegal?

Yes!

Gabby, please!

This is supposed to be a business hub, not Pornhub.

- Oh, God.

We agreed. Silent scissoring only between nine and five.

Don't worry. Greg always pops out at midday for a Boots meal deal.

- Now, that is sexy talk. - Do you want to hear the full order?

- Mmm. - One large steak bake.

Ooh, Mama!

A bottle of strawberry Yop.

Mmm!

Some...

ridged McCoy's.

Ooh, ridged!

- Mmm. - And a KitKat.

Yeah?

How many fingers?

Four.

I need legal advice.

- Are you listening to whale music?

No, it's Gabby and her new lady friend.

They seem to be taking part in some kind of sex marathon.

I can't believe they haven't cramped up.

And God knows what state their nipples are in.

I'm just glad I didn't sponsor 'em.

Right. You know that airport protest I was telling you about?

- Yeah. - It worked.

I got arrested.

I'm trying to resolve a particularly heated hedge dispute so we're all busy.

Oh, no, this is a work question, Greg.

No, it's only a work question if you pay me, Myrna.

I've ploughed all of my money into the anti-deportation campaign.

This will have to be pro bono.

I can't afford to dole out free legal advice.

Oh, come on! Would you like to get sent to a hotel in Rwanda?

Yeah. I bet it's quieter.

- Great!

- They've moved from acoustic to electric.

It's like this 24-7.

Oh!

Did you take the batteries out of the remote?

Oh, I'll put them back when we're done. Hi, darling! Mwah!

Mrs. Cosgrove next door complained about the noise.

She was watching This Morning and couldn't hear Alison Hammond laughing.

- And that's saying something. - You look flushed. What's going on?

Nothing. I'm menopausal.

No, it's something else.

Oh, my God! You've met someone.

Okay. That is incredible.

Oh! Tell me everything!

Sean, an old flame from way back in the day.

We bumped into each other at the airport.

- When are you meeting him? - Oh, I'm not meeting him.

I'm just telling you 'cause of the mad coincidence of it all.

No, but why wouldn't you go and give yourself a chance at happiness?

Because, unlike you two,

I don't believe that being coupled up is the answer to life's problems.

My girlfriend says that as single people

we weren't human beings, we were human doings.

Are you dating a fridge magnet?

You don't have to marry this guy.

Why don't you just meet him for a drink and see what happens?

I'm not going.

- Myrna, I know you're scared but-- - I'm not scared.

You can't jump out of a plane without jumping out of a plane.

I have done massive cocaine deals

and been chased by gangsters with knives, I'm not scared of anything.

So why aren't you going?

Because I'm...

I'm busy.

Fine.

But, erm...

for the sake of argument,

if I was scared... how would I deal with that?

Well, step one, we call him. Come on!

Give me his number.

Come on, now!

I want you to act like you've just had six glasses of Chablis in the bath.

- Depressed? - No, mellow.

And no politics.

Why would I pretend to be somebody that I'm not?

When dating we pretend because we are horny.

- Hmm? - Oh.

Chablis in the bath.

- Hello? - Hi, Sean.

This is Myrna.

I just drank a bottle of Chablis in the bath,

and not because I'm suicidal.

- Good to know. - Um, so?

I was thinking, that, erm, that drink.

I think that that would be...

mellow, dude.

Great.

Is our old pub still there?

Yeah, but they've gentrified the shit out of it,

cos the Tories gave tax breaks to the rich!

Ah...

But the point is...

it's nice.

- 8:00pm? - Great.

And, Myrna, I'm glad you called. I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

I won't be pressured into sex!

Not #MeToo! "Me too" as in, "I'm looking forward to it as well."

Oh! Me too. I'm looking forward to it as well.

Yay!

Now, what do we wear?

This.

Darling, you're dressing for a date not selling kombucha at Glastonbury.

And a deep breath out.

Feel yourself shifting into a calmer energy state.

Let your breath ground you and repeat with me:

- I am blooming as a flower... - I am blooming as a flower...

- and float through stress... - and float through stress...

- like petals in the wind. - like petals in the wind.

Through stress like petals in the wind.

Alright then.

- Derek? - Yes, mate.

Do you have a preferred route?

- No. - Okay.

I think we'll take the A432 up through Fishponds.

Google Maps will tell you that's seven minutes slower,

but it will also tell you to take the M32 even though it's down to one lane,

so good luck getting past Frenchay Hospital at rush hour, eh?

There's a recent copy of GQ in the back there.

Nice little interview with James McAvoy.

Got Smints if you need them, Winter Fresh and Spearmint.

If you need a charge cable, I have Lightning, micro USB and USB-C.

And there's some bottled water in the door gully.

And not the cheap bottles that you get from the corner shop.

You know, the ones that are all too thin and squishy

and it sort of squashes when you try and open it.

You end up splashing it everywhere and now you've got water in your lap

before your big presentation.

Oh, right. Message received, friend.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Now this...

this is the look.

But I can't walk.

I need to be able to walk, don't I?

No, you'll get a cab to the restaurant.

And remember, keep it light, keep it frothy.

Laugh at everything he says, play with your earrings a little,

and, needless to say, eat nothing.

I'm starving!

Oh, darling, you eat before you go. Restaurants are no place for eating.

Hey!

- Do you want to see the menu?

I'm hungry.

- Are you hungry? - No.

I just had a baked potato.

Hmm.

So this is special, innit?

- It is really special. - Eh?

And I can't tell you how I love this clock.

- I can tell you're excited.

- Oh, my God! Oh!

All of these holes here tell a story to do with lots of

- transformations this clock's had.

So the holes are saying that something else was there before.

Yeah, it's like a house. You wouldn't expect a house to stay...

Would you like another cheese-and-pickle sandwich?

I would actually. That would be great. Thanks very much.

Oh, you know when you were swimming at the lido earlier

and I left you a few messages about being careful?

- Eight messages. - Eight messages.

Yeah, well, the reason is, I realised if you were to slip in the changing rooms

and crack your head open, I don't know your blood type.

- Neither do I. - Put that knife down!

Right, I'll make the sandwiches, you make a doctor's appointment, immediately.

- Oh, that was a lucky escape, love.

Aly went into psychology, like me. Connor wants to be a drummer.

Or a professional hacky sacker. We're still negotiating.

- What about you? Any kids? - No.

I wanted to change the world.

- Not-- - Not nappies.

I remember.

Do you regret it?

Not having children?

I regret a lot of things.

I regret...

being thrown out of Live Aid for protesting.

About the whole white saviour complex?

No. 'Cause Phil Collins got way more time than Sade.

Well, to hell with regrets.

To... second chances.

- To second chances.

Shall we get more wine?

Well, actually, I have to get going.

I've got a tutorial tomorrow morning at 9:00am

and if I don't get eight hours sleep, I have to take a week off.

Right.

Okay.

Now, as you know, I don't keep secrets from you guys,

so this is just a little update on my mental and physical health.

I'm still in Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous,

and anger management. I know, I am more damaged than a Yodel parcel.

But on the physical side,

I did have a little scare recently.

A couple of months ago, I was getting these

really heavy periods, and I mean, loads of blood.

It was like that bit in The Shining.

And my gyno discovers these growths on my womb

called uterine polyps. Now, nothing cancerous,

but I did have to have them removed just in case.

The operation was fine. Worst bit?

No sex for six weeks!

Those were the days.

Now, thankfully, that healing period has just ended

and my flatmate Greg can confirm my sex life is back to normal. Right?

- So I've heard. - I am hornier than a Viking's hat.

And you know how horny I was before. But, guys...

get yourselves checked out regularly downstairs, okay?

I don't care if you've got a fanny, balls, both, neither,

you just make sure you have a good rummage around for Auntie Gabby.

- Oh, babe, someone's calling you.

- Oh.

Spare no detail.

He says he has to leave because of work. What does that mean?

He has to leave because of work?

He's making an excuse.

I put myself out there and now look what bloody happens!

Did you have a good time?

I thought we did.

Even if it doesn't work out this time, you are back on the horse.

I should never have agreed to this!

Oh! Hi, Ruth.

Myrna.

This is, erm, Sean.

My, er... my friend.

John Halloran's wife.

- From Community Payback. - Nice to meet you.

- And you.

Tell John I hope he's well.

What are you doing?

I was...

I was going to kiss you.

I thought you had to go.

I don't want to have any regrets.

Neither do I.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

It's my daughter's birthday in a few days.

What would you buy a teenage girl?

She loves... she loves horses.

Loves rolling her eyes.

You should get her a dad who just shuts the fuck up and drives.

I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind.

I am blooming as flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind.

I am blooming as flower

and float through stress like petals in the wind.

Oh, erm, Gabby got him

into Gwyneth Paltrow's favourite mindfulness app.

Yeah, he's just connecting his mind to his vagina.

Now what?

Now we bury him.

On the farm?

No, I just brought him here to see the pigs.

I have a question.

Who exactly...

would we be burying?

You seem anxious.

Oh, do I now?

I really hope he puts those marvellous powers of perception to use in court.

Don't you, Smiler?

Of course I'm anxious.

I'm on trial in three days

and the prosecution's key witness is still breathing.

What happened, Smiler? I told you to deal with it.

They got him stashed somewhere. I'm trying to triangulate that shit.

As your lawyer, I must advise against triangulating any shit.

And what's your plan?

Aside from shafting me for 500 quid an hour?

As we agreed, I discredit him in the witness box.

Along with the entire police case.

And the girl, Smiler? Did you find her?

She's been bouncing around, but I believe she's in London.

What do you want me to do?

As your lawyer, once again, I must advise against violence.

I was framed.

By a small-time dealer and a school girl.

Either their heads roll or mine will.

If the bodies start piling up, every finger points at you.

Do what you have to do but after the trial.

After the trial, Mr. Lawyer, I'll be in fucking prison!

You're not going to prison.

That's why you pay me 500 quid an hour.

- What do you want me to do, boss? - I want you to triangulate shit!

That's what I want!

I want to know the whereabouts of Christian Taylor and Rani Rekowski.

DS Selforth.

- You know Rhona Weaver from the CPS? - Yep.

She's leading the team prosecuting The Dean.

Go ahead.

From the requests I've been getting,

I'm certain The Dean's defense will be that he was fitted up.

For God's sake! By who?

Lucy Haines.

The three P's of police work are persistence,

persistence and...

persistence.

That's brilliant!

- It's an old joke but it's true.

Now, we arrested this man thanks to persistence

and the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act, which means?

- Diane? - You spied on him.

We call it surveillance.

No, yeah. I know that. Just dumbing it down for this lot.

Over 18 months,

email intercepts, undercover operatives,

and bugs planted in his warehouse helped us build a watertight case. Now...

who else do we target using RIPA legislation?

Anyone other than Diane?

Sophie, we haven't heard from you today.

She don't know.

Anyone at all?

Come on, guys, we covered this last week. Charles in the back?

I guess Diane then.

Who does RIPA target?

Fraudsters, terrorists, paedos.

Correct.

Have it!

Do you trust her?

It's an office joke her straight Lucy is.

She made us show a receipt for her birthday cake.

- And the candles. - Be that as it may,

our end has to appear Daz white.

Which is why I'm bringing in the Counter Corruption Unit.

- Oh! Can't we keep this in-house? - It won't look good enough to a jury.

Rhona, personal favor.

Just give us a few days.

Just so we can see what's going on here ourselves.

Forty-eight hours.

Sergeant Haines, with the exam fast approaching, can I ask,

will there be anything on those lights that show up fingerprints and jizz?

- I can't tell you that. - Can you give me a clue?

No, you can't give me a clue,

or you just gave me one but it was too subtle to notice?

If I want to be a police detective,

I need to be able to spot my own clues.

Roger that, ma'am.

So, when do you fancy going for a drink with me?

Obviously, not in a lesbian way.

I'm a demon for the cock, as you know.

I have to get back to the office.

Gonna crack open a bottle of whisky and open up some cold cases?

- I don't drink. - No?

I always had you pegged as a Cagney type.

- A what? - Cagney & Lacey.

Police show from the '80s.

Cagney was a big drinker. Lacey was more about family.

Still a bloody good detective though.

We're a bit like Cagney and Lacey, aren't we?

Both great police, mutual respect for each other,

always bantering back and forth, usually while walking.

- Goodnight, Diane. - Night, ma'am.

Lucy is not bent.

You stood right there while she said she wouldn't apologise for being ambitious.

That if she collared The Dean then we'd all take a bow.

She had motive and opportunity.

Motive maybe, but she never had opportunity.

I was with her the entire time, sir. She never had a chance to plant a thing.

I respect your loyalty but I need you to double-check that Lucy is above board.

I'm not policing my partner, sir.

It's either that or Counter Corruption march in,

and even when Lucy's found to be clean,

she has a stink on her for the rest of her career.

I'm asking you to do her a favor.

- Is that an order? - If it makes you feel better.

You're a smart young woman, Rani,

so I take it you realise, you and your friends are in a lot of trouble?

The Met have been after a London drug dealer

known as The Dean for years but could

never pin anything on him.

Yet I've just arrested him with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

How did I do that?

Knowing you, ma'am, it was by doing some bloody good police work.

Did you stop pulling over black men and start pulling over criminals?

Still using cassette tapes?

Where do you even buy them now?

I'd like my one phone call, please.

And it will be to a sex line, so I'll be needing some privacy.

You are saying, under caution,

that you've had no dealings with a drug dealer known as The Dean?

I'm saying that if I were a clever

and ambitious policewoman who just caught a major criminal

that the Met Police have been chasing for years,

I wouldn't question how it happened.

I'd take the win.

I wouldn't question how it happened.

- I'd take the win.

Burning the midnight oil?

Somebody's looking for a raise.

What you listening to?

Just checking a few things before we testify.

Anything I can help with?

All set, thanks.

So, how was tonight's lecture?

Instructive. You should come sometime.

- You might learn something.

Yo, you're calling Christian Taylor but I can't chat,

so leave your deets and I'll holla back.

Thanks, love.

- Hello?

Is this Rani?

Shit.

Stride in to out.

- In to out. - Yeah? You kind of push through it.

Push through what? What am I pushing through?

- Push your stride!

- Ooh!

Do you know what? I think I need a break.

Okay, that's probably a good idea.

- Hoo! - You did good though.

No.

I must have looked like such an idiot.

Nah. You...

- You look cute. - Mmm.

Mm. I'd rather look...

tough.

Don't think you can look tough on roller skates.

- Mmm. - It's like being a gangster florist.

You know you've a better chance of impressing me with your cooking.

How's about I cook you breakfast sometime?

That's very forward.

I mean, you could come over at breakfast time sometime.

Mm-hmm.

- Do you know what? On that note...

I'm g-- I'm gonna go. I'm gonna practice.

- You got this. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Was that a push-through?

- In to out. - In to out, in to out.

Here we go. All right, I'm doing it!

- Ben's phone. - Who is this?

Tori. Who's this?

Is Ben there?

Er, he'll be back in a minute.

I don't have a minute!

Can I take a message?

Tell him Rani called. I have to deal with a loose end and I need to speak to him.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Shock to the system, that's all.

A good shock?

Happy tears.

Don't do the menopause, that's all, Sean.

- I promise nothing.

So...

are you gonna come round for breakfast sometime?

Yeah, I will.

- Any allergies? - Ibuprofen.

Well, I promise not to season our omelettes with Nurofen.

Much appreciated.

Goodnight.

For you.

- Ah, thank you. - Mm.

- We'll get you there. - Mm, one day.

- Mmm.

I'm sorry, I...

I forgot. Erm...

Your phone rang and I answered.

It was someone called Rani.

What did she want?

Something about dealing with a loose end.

She said she needed to speak to you.

Rani's my ex.

and I don't need to speak to her.

Not ever.

What was that for?

Being so honest.

Do you want to come in?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah.

Who's Tori?

What?

I called you last night and someone called Tori picked up.

- She's a girl that I'm seeing. - For how long?

- That's none of your business. - How did you meet?

She works at the hotel across the road from my café.

- Oh, right, okay. - What?!

- No, go on. - Did she pass on my message?

- Yeah. - So why didn't you reply to me?!

Because I haven't heard from you for the past six months!

What was I supposed to do, hmm? Just drop everything because you ring?

You left him on a train and broke his heart. He was humiliated.

- Exactly! - Yeah.

- Wait. What? - Huh?

How do you know?

Myrna told me.

What?

- Myrna, how did... - I heard it from John.

- Well, how do you know, John? - It's common knowledge, isn't it?

No, it's not. I haven't told anyone. Have you?

No.

I heard the driver felt so sorry for you he let you have a go on the horn.

No, that's not true.

I heard a little girl gave you her comfort blanket.

- Well, that never happened. - I heard you were so fragile,

an old lady had to help you off the train.

That never happened, okay?

Look, can we just focus on the real issue here, which is...

what happened to him last night?

After I left Ben on the train,

I stole a car.

You stole a car?

I drove it to London, dumped it

and, with my cut of the money, I moved into a hotel.

I spent my time shopping.

- I got some tatts. - You said you were scared of needles.

I hit up some art galleries, went to some gigs.

Oh, did you see the virtual reality ABBA show?

No.

I think you missed out. I hear it's like they're in the room.

Greg!

Not appropriate.

I was just living my best life.

And last night, I met this guy and brought him back to my hotel room.

Wait! Wait.

You brought a guy that you just met back to your hotel?

Yeah, he was hot.

Oh... Oh, shit.

- Can you jump to the nitty-gritty? - I think she already did.

- The nitty-gritty of this!

Me and this guy worked up quite a thirst.

So I'm getting us a drink when there's a knock at the door.

Shhh!

Shhh! Shh-shh-shh.

Smiler says, "I know how you did it."

What? Did what?

"How you and your mates framed The Dean."

He tells me to meet him later that night, gives me an address.

And I go there early and watch him go inside.

I follow him in and find him just lying on the floor.

I- I'm checking to see if he's conscious

and someone attacks me from behind.

And at some point, the attacker stabs Smiler with my knife.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your knife?!

Yeah, a steak knife. I brought it from the hotel.

To a meeting?

Oh, yeah, I never leave for a meeting without keys, phone,

murder weapon!

It was for self-defense! I didn't know what he was planning.

Okay, so this "mystery man" stabs Smiler.

Then what?

Then I knock him out.

And I'm on my way out when Smiler calls out.

He's weak and he's wounded but he manages to say...

Help me!

I get him into his car and he's just...

- Oh, man! - ...bleeding out in the back.

Like Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs.

What's that?

You've never seen Reservoir Dogs and you missed ABBA Voyage?

- How are you living your best life? - Greg!

Smiler is directing me to this backstreet doctor he knows.

- Which way? - Bear straight.

- Okay. - Oh, man!

And I'm just driving like a maniac.

Where am I going?

And then I look back...

and he's gone.

- Ooh!

- Why's this door locked?

Open this door!

What's going on?

What's going on in here?

Yeah.

We're just consolidating...

the chicken feed.

But why is the door locked?

It's pigs.

They come in and... eat it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I see...

everything.

All right?

So less skiving in a shed,

more manure being spread.

Understand?

Good.

And get that hay put away.

Why did Rani have to bring the body here?

We were in the clear, now we're in Weekend At Bernie's.

What do you lot think of her story?

You think she's capable of making all that up?

I think she is capable of anything.

But why would she kill Smiler?

When she called me last night, she said she was "dealing with a loose end".

She killed Smiler because he knows what we did.

So what are we saying? That Smiler's death was premeditated?

That Rani's a stone-cold psychopath now?

- Maybe she always was. - What do you mean?

One minute she's a shoplifter, the next minute she's running a drug empire.

She's threatened people with violence. She walked out on her family.

She walked out on you. To me, that is pretty cold behavior.

You know how you can tell if someone's a psychopath?

If everybody yawns but one person doesn't that indicates a lack of empathy,

- which is the mark of a psychopath. - Who told you that?

Idris Elba.

In an episode of his hit show Luther. We're not mates.

I wish.

We need to get that body back in that car.

No. We just moved it from the car.

- Why did we do that? - Because Rani told us to!

Yes, but why? Why? She knows we can't keep it here.

She's trying to incriminate us.

She wants our DNA all over the body so we won't go to the police.

- Come on. - Come on.

Do you know what the three P's of policing are?

- I feel like I do, yes. - Yeah, what are they?

- Police station. - No.

- Police dogs. Police car. - No. No.

Persistence, persistence, persistence.

That is genius. Did you make that up?

- Definitely. - You should write a book.

Yeah. Already have. Self-published.

It's about how I changed my life around from bad girl to badass.

- What's the title? -"My Struggle".

Isn't that what "Mein Kampf" means?

Yeah, but I don't speak German, so how was I supposed to know?

Diane.

Oh, DS Selforth.

Have you met my new gay underling Stanley?

- Stanley, this is Detective Sgt. Selforth. - Hi.

You're the first policeman I've met who's not a stripper.

Ooh!

Diane, I need to ask you a few questions.

Absolutely, sir. Head that way.

DS Selforth works with my best friend, Sergeant Lucy Haines.

She and I are a bit like Cagney and Lacey.

He's more like the original Cagney that was fired after season one.

- Mm. - Solid, just not the same chemistry.

Who are Cagney and Lacey?

I've got so much to teach you.

What are you doing?!

We're putting the body back in the car.

No. No, no, no. No, no. I told you, you can't. The car is hot!

Well, it can't stay here!

Come on.

Having discovered the plastic egg, I suspected that

illicit drug activities were happening at the Community Centre.

Sergeant Haines concurred with my findings and deputised me

so that I was her eyes and ears.

She didn't have that authority.

Well, it was an unauthorised deputisation.

- But it still counts. - Slay.

During the day of the grand opening,

was there any point where your offenders went unsupervised?

No, sir. All day I was like a hawk,

crossed with an owl 'cause my head was turning 360 degrees.

It's actually a misconception that owl's heads can turn 360 degrees.

Who are you, David Attenborough?

You told Sergeant Haines that you never let the offenders out of your sight.

No, sir.

An ant did not wipe its arse without me knowing.

Brilliant.

You never took, say, a bathroom break?

- Who told you that? - Told me what?

Never mind.

Diane?

it's imperative that you're totally frank with me.

Fine.

I was approached by one of the offenders, Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe,

- and she... - You supervise Lady Gabby?

Oh, my God! I love her TikTok.

I mean, her tips on anal bleaching literally saved my life.

Yeah.

- She and me are like that. - Oh!

But I do not fraternise with criminals.

- Although we are close. Mm. - Oh!

- Just so I can keep an eye on her. - The bathroom break?

Yeah, so Lady Gabby approached me

and informed that a temporary lavatory had been desecrated by vomit.

Er...

But I soon discovered that it was in fact soup.

Whereupon a malfunctioning door lock detained me inside briefly.

You got trapped in a Portaloo?

Briefly.

After leaving the, er, Portaloo, I assume you did a head count?

Er, no.

- No? - No.

Have you ever tried maintaining law and order

with minestrone sloshing around your gusset?

Hmm?

No, I have not.

Yeah, it ain't pretty.

- I need to speak to your offenders. - I need to speak to the offenders.

Is "gusset" one S, two T's?

Well, don't put that down!

- Hey, guys! - Hello, Gabby.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Gather, gather, gather!

Gabby, what the fuck are you doing here?

Well, I need some advice from my very dear friends.

Now, I had this message from a fan on Instagram.

She's a medical student and she's seen my posts about, you know, the polyps

- that I had removed from my womb. - Uh.

She said it's quite likely that the polyps will return.

So I went to the doctor this morning and it turns out

there's only a really small window in which my uterus can grow a fetus.

Like, eight weeks.

Now, my doctor didn't tell me this, so what do I do?

What are you asking us, Gabby?

- Well... - Oi!

- Why are you here? - Diane!

Oh! Oh, my God! I love you!

- That's so sweet. - I can't believe that you're here.

I mean, this is more exciting than when I saw Keira Knightley

in a Timpson's getting a key cut. Can I get a selfie?

Er, no! Stanley, not appropriate.

You've already finished your hours. Go!

- I need to talk to her. - Uh, stay!

Right.

When was the last time any of you saw Rani Rekowski?

- Who? - What's Rani? What? What's it?

Ask him. Him and Rani lived together.

Have you seen or spoken to her recently?

No. Not for the past six months.

She dumped him on a train.

Is it true that the lady with a trolley gave you a free can of Boddington's?

- No! - Oh.

It was a hot chocolate and a flapjack.

Wait! Rani dumped you on a train?

Guys, why am I always the last to hear about everything?

- Why are asking about Rani?

Police business. It's very important I find her.

Gabby!

Erm... will you please tell us about your uterus, please?

- Well, I had these polyps removed. - Oh! She mentioned this on TikTok.

And basically, if I ever want to have a baby,

then I have to get pregnant in the next two months.

- God! I knew those polyps were trouble. - I know, right?

You know, I thought I'd have more time, to be honest.

So, what do I do? Should I have a baby?

- Yes! - You think I should?

- Yeah, defo have that baby. - Definitely.

I mean, you'd be an amazing mum

because lately you've really turned an emotional corner.

- Do you think so? - Just a bit!

Oh, good, 'cause I wasn't sure.

Because, you know, I'm barely six months sober.

I'm in a brand-new relationship, and what kind of mother would I be?

You know, my own mother killed herself.

- Nice! - What?!

- Sorry. Is any of this useful, sir? - No.

- You're dismissed. - Oh, but, Diane...

- Hey! Do you want five more hours? - No.

Everyone else, back to work.

Good day, Diane.

Did you ever witness any private meetings between Sergeant Haines and Rani Rekowski?

Negative, sir. Sir, what is this about?

I can't say.

You know, I'm a fully qualified PCSO now. I can help.

Yes, you can, by notifying me if you see or hear anything suspicious.

- Are you unofficially deputising me, sir? - No.

Oh, okay. I'm happy to surveil the offenders un-deputised.

Ta-ra.

Now you'll see how real police work is done.

- By a real policeman. - No, by me.

I can sniff out crime like...

- Like puke in a Portaloo. - No, a bloodhound.

And let me tell you, the stench of crime is in the air.

- And I'm like... - A big Febreze.

Yeah!

Hey! Make up your minds!

Is that hay going in or out?

- Going in! - In, I think.

Right, come on then!

- Are you okay?

They're useless, aren't they?

All this moving of bodies.

I'm exhausted.

Me too!

I am plum tuckered out.

Oh, yeah! Your ex is a total psycho.

Mmm.

♪ You better watch your step ♪

Aargh!

♪ ...heart in two ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ It's not hard to realise ♪

♪ Just look into her false-coloured eyes ♪

♪ She'll build you up to just put you down ♪

♪ What a clown ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody knows She's a femme fatale ♪

♪ The things she does to me ♪

You bought a motorbike?

Yeah.

I don't like trains.

Yeah!

Shit!

I'm blooming as a flower.

I float through stress like petals in the wind.

This ground's rock solid. We're never burying him here.

Have you got a better idea?

Couldn't we feed him to some kind of animal?

Oh, yeah, very good. Let's just take him to the zoo, shall we?

Throw him to the lions. I'll bring the kids. Make a day of it.

I can't believe we're burying a body for a murderer!

I can. Rani was right. We're all involved.

Yeah, if the police find this body, they'll dig up everything we've done.

Wait! Aren't we supposed to cut off the hands and feet or something?

What? No! Do we?

Hey, Google. How do you dispose of a corpse?

- Don't say that into your phone! - No.

Here, come on! Let's just get this hole dug!

- Yeah, and feel free to join in. - Oh, I can't dig. I did my back in.

How?

Sex.

With whom?

An old flame.

Sean.

It was supposed to be our second date tonight.

Oh, well, thanks for cancelling... so you could come down and do sod all.

Speaking of relationships,

I ran into your wife in a pub.

I do let her out from time to time.

Yeah, but she said something really strange. She said,

"Tell John I hope he's well."

Yeah, she can be quite formal, Ruth.

Everything all right?

Everything's great.

- Are you sure? - Never surer.

Hey, love. I haven't spoken to you since lunchtime.

Just wondering what you had for din-dins.

Ah, all right. Call me back.

It's your boyfriend.

Greg.

Dillard...

What?

I'm sorry, mate.

My gravedigging interrupting your love life?

So, where you gonna go after this? Back to your mom and dad's?

No, I'm not going to drag them into this again.

No?

Okay, er...

Hotel?

No, I can't have my credit card showing up anywhere.

All right, so, so where?

- No. No. - Oh, come on.

- No, Rani, no. - Please!

Just till I know no one's looking for me. Please!

Fine.

I don't deserve you!