Original subtitles

'Welcome back, Lois.'

'How are you?'

Ready?

Ready.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you said I could count on you.

You can.

- Ow! - Oh!

Tell me this is going to work.

- It's going to work. - Tell me why?

- We're Newtriches. - Which means?

We live by our own code, go our own way

and don't take any crap from anybody.

And?

And, uh, we have a red Kryptonite laser.

Which will..

Which will make Superman permanently apathetic.

So we..

So we can be rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Spend money like wild baboons

and get back at every creep who was mean to us in high school.

Mean to you. I was very...

You were very popular and very well-liked.

I'm sorry. I always mess up that part.

Hey, how about dinner tonight?

Sure, as long as it's not Chinese.

Been in kind of a rut lately.

I think I've had my life's quota of soy sauce.

I wouldn't take you to Paris for a Chinese.

Paris?

Chief, there's a kid trapped in the wishing well

at Metropolis Park.

- Lois, Clark! - On it.

'And your wife called, chief.'

'Alright, call her back for me, will ya?'

'Tell her it looks like it's gonna be another late one.'

Ahem.

See you there.

Don't shoot till I tell you,

Is he alright?

Fine, but his batteries are a little bit run down.

That is the sickest, most disgusting thing.

Fire!

I cannot believe that...

Get down!

Go! Go!

Hey.

Idiot! Moron!

- Cretin! - I burned my hand.

Hypochondriac!

Ah.

- Are you alright? - What?

Yeah, yeah. I feel a little dizzy. What happened?

Somebody shot us with a red beam.

Well, go get them.

What is it?

Go, go.

Um... I-I think they went this way.

'Please, stay back.'

What is it?

- I can't fly. - What?

No X-ray vision, no super-hearing, nothing.

- Clark. - How do you feel?

Fine.

Oh, boy.

Do you feel different?

Um..

Yeah. Yeah, I-I'd say I feel different.

Okay, let's just stay calm.

Okay.

Oh, God! Oh, God, what's happening?

I-I think we know exactly what's happening.

The question is how.

Let's just go back out there

and see if we can find some clues.

Good. Good. Good. Clues, right.

Clues, clues I can handle.

' "I can handle it," you said.'

' "I won't screw up," you said.'

"This time it's going to be different," you said.

It's me. I'm the idiot.

I'm the idiot who told you my plan

believed you when you said you'd make it fool proof

and then invested every last cent

in a heist that'll never happen.

- Are you through? - We both are.

The beam hit him. I think it worked.

Really?

He didn't come after us, did he?

Nell, just be grateful I'm too depressed to beat you to death.

In 48 hours, we either move on that $200 million shipment

or bail. I'd say with that kind of payoff

it's worth a little test.

What kind of test?

Okay. A-plus on the heat vision.

I was aiming for the bottles.

Clark, I don't like this.

I'm starting to be afraid of my own...

I know, I know. It's okay.

When do you think STAR Labs is gonna be able

to tell us about that laser?

It was pretty burned up.

You know, I don't understand this.

Red Kryptonite isn't supposed to do this.

I mean, last time it made you a little

yeah, apathetic, but not this.

I'm sure they'll figure it out.

Just like, I'm sure we're gonna track down whoever did this.

Why are you so calm?

I mean, don't you feel..

Aren't you upset?

I'm fine.

Okay, I'm upset.

But I also know that we're gonna figure this out.

In the meantime, you've got some powers

that need to be controlled..

...or you're gonna cause some damage without meaning to.

You're right.

You're right.

Okay, why don't we deal with..

Great idea. Okay, it's not as hard as you might think.

- You just... - 'Help, the brakes are out.'

- What? - That truck.

What truck?

Oh, no!

The brakes.

'Look out!'

Uhh..

'Oh!'

Ohh!

Ahh!

Lady, did you just do what I think you did?

Uh..

What is your name? I got to call the papers.

This is amazing.

Oh, no, no, please. I..

Ahem. Everybody alright?

Oh-ho-ho, Superman.

Thank you.

For a minute, I thought this lady, you know..

Oh, well..

Oh, these shoes cost $75.

Does the superhero's union cover expenses?

No. But it does bring up an interesting issue.

Which is?

Well, you're just not the kind of person who can sit around

and watch someone in trouble if you can help.

Oh, I have a bad feeling about where this is going.

But you don't want the world knowing that

it's Lois Lane stopping trucks, so.

Does this mean I have to wear glasses?

Oh, no, dear, of course not.

I'm thinking about a mask.

A mask?

Oh, I think a mask would be very sharp.

How about a cape?

You guys, could we just slow down?

I don't think I can do this.

No cape?

No, I-I mean any of it.

I mean, this.. It's just, it's not me, it's Clark.

You know, he's putting on this brave face

but inside I know this is eating him alive.

If he sees me in a cape and tights

how do you think that's gonna make him feel?

Lois, Clark is strong.

And I'm not talking about how much he can bench press.

He's strong where it counts and when it counts.

He'll get through this.

You both will, now..

...let's talk boots.

Well, I thought I had it working

but it just burned up again.

Do you know how it works?

Well, like any other laser

except all of its power seems to refracts

through that chunk of red Kryptonite in the casing.

Oh. Sorry.

What happened when the beam hit you?

I felt a little dizzy...

Any lingering reactions?

Well, between you and me, I'm not quite myself.

I'd like to get it working again... fast.

I'll do my best.

Oops.

How's it goin'?

It sure is tight.

I know, but that cuts down the wind resistance.

'So... what do you think?'

- Jimmy? - Yeah.

Any word on those nutballs that stuck Betsy-wetsy in the well?

Uh, not yet, chief. Here, you dropped this.

Oh, thanks.

It's from Alice.

Wonder how long that's been there?

Well, you've been wearing the same coat for three years.

- Uh-oh. - What?

She left me.

Alice?

No, no, no, wait a minute.

"Call me by 5:00 and we'll talk."

- 'Chief, it's after 5:30.' - Huh?

"Otherwise, don't bother, ever."

Chief, I'm-I'm really sorry.

Yeah, me, too. This blows..

In that it's sad.

You know, things have been a little well

dicey between us lately

but I didn't think they were that bad.

I, uh, I got to track her down.

Yeah, I'll tell. Chief, we just got an anonymous phone call.

The Planet gets torched in two minutes unless Superman shows.

Judas Priest! It's raining and pouring.

Alright, Jimmy, sound the alarm.

Let's get everybody out of here.

Alright, people, we got an emergency!

Everybody out!

Let's go, get out from under this canopy!

'Come on, let's go! Let's go.'

Is that everybody, Jimmy? Alright, lets go.

Two and a half minutes and counting.

Get the smug out of your voice.

- Why? - He's here.

Kerosene.

He doesn't look that apathetic to me.

Only one way to find out.

'Those bottles must be filled with kerosene, too.'

Jimmy!

Oh, my God, now there are two of them.

And funny, neither one of them looks that apathetic.

'Yeah!'

Thanks.

I say bolt!

Great costume.

- It's a little tight. - Yeah, I know.

Mom says it cuts down on...

Wind resistance, I know, I know, is that..

Water.

Another practical joke.

It's Perry and Jimmy. They're gonna know it's me.

No, they won't.

How blind do you think people are?

Miss, you saved the "Daily Planet."

I am Perry White. You are?

Uh, this is..

...uh..

Ultra gir..

Woman. Ultra Woman.

A smile for the "Planet."

Why, when $200 million

is only 24 hours away, does this happen?

Why, when I take Superman out of the picture

does she show up?

Why, when I'm speaking, are you not listening in rapt attention?

- I have a theory. - Oh, joy.

Let's say, that my Kryptonite laser worked

but not in the way we expected.

Let's say, it created an unforeseen energy field

that passed through Superman into this reporter

making her... ultra-unique.

Oh, please. Tell me you're adopted.

If we actually share genes

I'm gonna throw myself in front of a bus.

Lucille, Superman didn't fly onto the scene.

He walked.

He didn't blow out the flame, he used a tarp.

I'm telling you he has all the super powers of Batman.

And she is proof that those powers are transferable.

Let's say you're not totally wrong.

We don't have the laser anymore.

Last night, while you were binging and purging

some of us were working.

What about the red Kryptonite?

Down to our last chunk, so it better work

which means you better practice.

Sorry?

I'm going to take Ultra Woman's powers.

Nell, in a partnership

there's a kind of symbiosis.

In ours, it's inspiration, execution.

My dreams become our reality because of you.

That's your gift. It always has been.

- Lucille.. - Mm, mm, mm.

Ultra Lucille, angel. Ultra Lucille.

Practice it. Let it roll off your tongue.

Ultra Lucille. Say it with me.

Ultra Lucille.

Jimmy, what are these?

They're for Ultra Woman.

Really?

The governor..

...Fabio..

Brad Pitt..

...Deion Sanders.

Jimmy Ol..

Jimmy?

I know it's not the biggest, but do you think she'll like it?

Well, I...

I can't get her out of my mind, Lois.

I-I know it sounds crazy, but the way

she looked in those tights and the boots, I mean.

You think they're leather?

I-I think you should apply ice, heh.

Hey, morning, C.K.

Whoa! Cut yourself shaving?

Ha. Repeatedly.

Morning.

'Now I'm outta here.'

Ultra Woman?

Antonio Banderas.

I never liked that guy.

Me neither.

Jimmy, did I get that fax from the state pen?

Yeah. It's on your desk.

You onto something?

I think the key here is that red Kryptonite.

It's probably that geologist Gene Newtrich, remember?

I remember helping put him away.

Oh, he's only had two visitors since.

Yeah, his sisters Nell and Lucille.

Please don't tell me that I loosened it for you.

Did I tell you how much I hate

wearing this costume underneath my clothes?

It feels like long underwear.

Yeah, well, it feels good after a while.

And it's snug. Believe me, you miss...

You don't like just wearing your boxers?

Boxers? I wear briefs.

I know.

Lois, did you X-ray my...

I was just kidding.

Jeez.

Lois, Clark.

You get me that exclusive on Ultra Woman yet?

Uh, not just yet, chief.

- But we're working on it. - Any day now.

'Any day's not good enough.'

Any hour's not good enough.

Be thinking any minute, people. Any minute.

What's up with Perry?

It's Alice. She left him.

When?

Yesterday.

Is this another superhero thing to get used to?

Miss huge events in your personal life

can't be there for your friends?

That's one of the tougher ones, yeah.

Let's run a check on these Newtrich girls.

Here, this has stopped bleeding.

Thank you.

No, oh, here we go.

Lucille Newtrich employed by.

'First National Bank of Metropolis.'

Fired, moved, no forwarding.

Hmm.

'Nell Newtrich employed by Unitech'

in laser research.

Well, this is getting good.

'Resigned her job two days after her sister was fired.'

Again, no forwarding.

Well, that's never stopped us before.

Let's pound some pavement and..

- 'Help.' - Oh, no!

- 'Oh, please help.' - Go.

- But... - No, I-I'll find these two.

We'll catch up later, go.

There's something I got to finish first.

What?

Whoa!

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Did you have to tear the whole door off?

- Who's your insurance company? - Insurance company?

This is not coming out of my pocket, lady.

- Well, look, I realize... - Stop, stop, stop, stop.

You tore up my car.

Because your wife was choking.

Who, by the way, is fine

and I'm sure she appreciates your concern.

Hey, lady, you can't go through there!

Ultra Woman, on TV, there's an oil fire in Texas.

Texas, right.

'Help! Ultra Woman, help!'

Hurry! They say a whole town could burn.

'Help!'

'Help me!'

'No, believe me, I understand.'

'Absolutely, if the hijackers won't listen'

you're going to have to take them out.

Okay, let me tell you about..

In fact, no, let me tell you about

one time when I was in that exact same situation.

You know, no, go. Go.

But be careful.

Hey, love you.

Lois says she sorry she missed dinner

but there's a 747 with a bomb on it.

Oh, well, maybe she'll be back in time for pie.

No. I told her to just go on home and get some rest.

Hey, you guys want to play monopoly?

Are you okay, sweetie?

Fine.

What on Earth makes you think you can fool me?

No, mom, I am.. I'm fine. I just..

I mean, it's not like I'm sick or dying or anything, I just..

I guess, I just, I don't know what I am.

Martha, remember when I had the back surgery

and was laid up for six months and we almost lost the farm?

Your mother went to work as a secretary

and ended up as office manager with a secretary of her own.

Oh, Jonathan, stop.

It was two secretaries.

Anyway, your mother saved the day.

And it was hard for me to just lie there

and watch her do everything.

I, uh..

I guess I was afraid I was losing her.

As if some silly job could ever replace you.

Either of you.

Maybe I'll take a walk.

Maybe, over toward Lois'.

Maybe I'll wait for her to get home.

Thanks for dinner, mom.

Did we raise a smart boy or what?

Oh, ha-ha, you were great.

Fourteen bucks? That's it?

And it's all his, so give it back.

Yeah? I got a better idea. Give me yours.

Come and get it.

Yeah? You want to get crazy?

Back off, boys! Now!

Let's get out of here!

Thanks.

Our pleasure, Mr. Kent.

'I've wired this steel chair to a 220 volt line'

which runs a double electric range

a four ton air conditioning unit...

Or charbroils a reporter

unless you call Ultra Woman.

I think her number's unlisted.

I'm thinking more in the "Help! Help! Save me" area.

Why me? I've never even met her.

I'm sorry.

You don't know Lois Lane, your own partner?

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I'll make it simple.

We want you to get Ultra Woman here..

Fast.

She has something we want.

If he doesn't yell for help, we're not really going to..

Oh, come on.

It's up to him..

...which any Buddhist will assure you

slides this whole thing out of murder and into suicide

keeping us karmically covered.

- Oh. - Huh.

It worked better than I thought.

You idiot!

'He went out the back door.'

Another job well done.

Don't you ever get tired of perfection?

I really could use some help..

...getting out of this.

It worked.

Oh, my God!

Clark, what happened?

Who did this?

Are you sure that you X-rayed the whole...

They're not here, it's a good thing too

because when I get my hands on them for what they did...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oh! - Ow.

Clark, are you okay?

Ow. Fine. Fine.

- You're bleeding. - It's just a nick.

God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Lois, it was an accident. It happens.

Well, it can't happen anymore.

No more accidents, no more mistakes.

Not after tonight.

What do you mean?

Hey, what is it?

I was landing this plane in Paris

and I heard about this mud slide in Brazil..

...and I tried to get there as fast as I could..

...and I wasn't fast enough.

Hey.

I mean, what did I do wrong?

How come I couldn't get there faster?

Why did all those people have to..

Lois, listen to me.

No matter how strong you are, no matter how fast..

...sometimes it just isn't enough..

...and you have to accept that.

But what makes me a good reporter is that

I don't accept things and I'm always questioning

and I'm never satisfied..

...and I'm never gonna be satisfied

with getting there five seconds too late.

And I don't care what you say

I know it doesn't make you feel good

to watch me do what you were born to do.

I admit..

...I do miss the cape and the S

and this whole..

...bleeding thing is no fun.

Yeah and crying with this mask isn't so great either.

Can we just bag these lunatics

and get things back to normal?

Yeah.

Okay, I overheard them talking about some kinda plan

to get $200 million by tomorrow.

Looks like they cleared out of here in a hurry

so maybe they left a clue.

What do you see?

A number.

9-1-1-7-8-4-1..

I can't make out the other three.

How does that add up to $200 million?

There's no facility in town with that much cash.

So the money's coming into Metropolis.

What bank needs that much?

'9-1-1-7-8-4-1..'

'And three missing digits.'

Anybody want coffee?

- I'll take some. - Yeah.

- Oh, with sugar. - Sugar.

Um, Lois..

...did you ever get that interview with Ultra Woman?

Why?

Uh, I was just wondering if..

...uh, she mentioned if she was seeing anyone.

Jimmy..

Look, not that I think I'm good enough for her

up against Deion Sanders and Brad Pitt but..

...I can't stop thinking about her.

And I thought that maybe you could

tell her that I'm a nice guy.

You are.

A-and that..

...I've been waiting my whole life to meet someone like her.

Good morning, chief.

'Good morning, chief.'

Is the chief okay?

He's been sleeping in his office.

He doesn't want to go home and face that big empty house alone.

Is he talking to somebody?

No, but he's making up for it by yelling at everybody.

Maybe it's a winning lottery ticket number.

Hello?

'Could it be a laser or..'

Banking? Like an account number?

'Right there.'

Guys, one of you guys better get down

to the corner of Giordano and Adams.

- What's up? - We got a jumper on a ledge.

Uh... I'll take that one.

You guys keep working on this number.

Man, this job can really get to you

hearing all the worst stuff people do day and night.

Yeah.

Her sister sounded really upset too.

- Whose sister? - Oh, the jumper's sister.

That was her on the phone crying and sobbing.

You know I think I'm gonna go handle this one too, okay?

Would you like to talk to someone, a doctor?

No. But I would like a hug.

Oh.

Well-well, well, uh... okay.

No! It's her!

I'm an empowered woman.

Well, let's see just how strong I am.

Hey, you, in the dime store dress.

Over here.

Is that real polyester?

'Cause it goes great with that cheap lipstick

and that bad wig.

Don't you talk about my sister's hair like that.

Shut up, Nell.

I can fight my own battles.

Yeah, but you are losing the one with taste.

I'm going to ram you into next Thursday.

The nasty thing about those superpowers

hard to control with a bad temper.

Let's get out of here before she calms down.

I guess I'm gonna have to get used to being Earthbound again.

Well, you're off to a good start.

I'm going to break them both into bite size chunks..

...just as soon as we're rich.

Oh, and one more thing..

Just in case you had one bright idea

in your whole life.

'Where is she?'

'Oh, oh, Ultra Woman?'

Thanks, Jimmy. Nice work.

He says that number's a post office truck.

A post office truck?

What are they going to steal, Ed McMahon's ten million?

Well, whatever it is

it's the world versus Hurricane Lucille

unless we can get you your powers back.

This is for you.

Oh-ho, look at that.

Oh, thank you.

That's so sweet.

Oh.

I guess there are one or two things about this job

I'm going to miss.

- 'Thanks, Ultra Woman.' - 'Ultra Woman.'

I'll go pay another visit to STAR Labs.

Go back to the Planet and see

if you can narrow down which truck it is.

- Be careful. - You too.

'That's it.'

What?

One of these trucks is making a pickup

at the Bank of Metropolis.

No. Made a pickup.

I don't get it, so they picked up some bank money.

I'll bet you anything it's old ATM money.

Sorry, maybe I'm a little slow today.

I did a story on this.

See, banks need to constantly

replenish their ATM's with new bills.

The old ones get picked up in postal trucks.

Lucille used to work at a..

Oh, hello. I'm looking for Superman.

Thanks for the rush job.

But we haven't even tested it properly.

It could conk out, or even blow up.

One thing I've learned over the past couple days..

...roll with the punches.

Yes? Oh, he's right there.

It's Lois Lane.

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Well, do you know the route?

You like the way the bullets bounced off my chest?

Oh, yes. Watching you get shot was a real pleasure.

Ah, this is the way crime should be.

Forget about those gangs of guys with Uzis

or the getaway chopper.

Just rip, punch, and grab.

We're rich. We're rich!

Ladies..

...may I have a word.

Ultra Woman?

Excuse me, but don't you qualify for protection

under the endangered species act?

You're the one up for early extinction.

See, I've still got all my powers.

You make me so mad my hair hurts.

She's lying.

Let's just see.

Why do I think you're bluffing?

Well... I don't know.

I see fear in your eyes.

That's just extreme modesty.

Oh, Nell.

Let's do a little test.

Pick up the guard's gun there.

You're familiar with the phrase

"faster than a speeding bullet."

Lucille, I-I-I...

Nell, she knows who we are, what we did.

'Now, there isn't a jail on Earth that could hold me'

but you, you'd be in a lot of trouble

if she talked to the police.

So, if you're so sure your little laser worked..

...finish the job.

- Get her. - Ow!

Express shuttle now leaving earth.

Leave my sister alone!

Oh, no. No.

Not a bad note for Ultra Woman to go out on.

Just one last thing.

If I could do it myself, I would.

You'd better get these two behind bars.

- Right this way, ma'am. - Let's go.

Pray we don't end up in a cell together.

Oh, I'm so scared.

'You have the right to remain silent..'

Okay.

Just, one more last thing.

This is great stuff, kids.

But we still don't know where this Ultra Woman came from

and are we ever going to see her again.

Well...

She said she was a really close friend of Superman's

and that's about all either of them would say.

Alright, let's slap this on the front page and head for home.

Does that mean you're not sleeping here?

Oh, Alice is staying with a friend..

...and, uh, I'll be moving out at the end of the month.

We're sorry to hear that, chief.

Well, you know, the fact is

I've lived and breathed the "Daily Planet" for 30 years.

And Alice says no matter how much I promise to change

that's the way it'll always be.

She feels she has the right to play

first fiddle with somebody and, uh, I can't disagree.

But I wanna, I wanna thank you all for your concern

and understanding that my, uh

fuse has been a little short lately.

Well, o-okay, let's hit it.

We got a paper to print. Huh.

See you later.

Oh, Jimmy, um, I talked to Ultra Woman before she flew off

and she wanted me to give you a message.

Yeah?

You're cute.

She said that?

Her exact words.

Man!

I'm cute, ha-ha.

You know..

...if somebody had asked me three days ago

who the one person in the world I admired most was..

...I'd have said, you..

...but without really knowing what that meant.

Without understanding that

the hardest thing about being you

is all the things you can't do.

All the cries for help that you can't answer.

How that quietly tears you apart..

...but it never stops you.

And after living a little of that myself..

...I realized something.

Something that I never thought was possible.

What?

I love you more.

More than I ever have..

...and more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

And so..

...I want to ask..

...will you marry me?

Who's asking..

...Lois or Ultra Woman?

Who's answering?

Clark or Superman?

I'm answering.

I'm waiting.

Yes.