Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Crunching ]

Do you want a clue?

The toe bone's connected to the foot bone.

Foot bone's connected to the shin bone.

Shine bone's connected to the knee bone.

I don't need you, thanks.

I'm creating a superior kind of dog,

one not limited by your stupid system.

What, evolution?

Why are his legs on backwards?

'Cause I am determined that this dog's gonna be able

to pick up his own shit.

Right. A few messages. The dating site called.

They said that as no one's looked at your profile

in the last 12 months, they've taken you off the database.

Um, yeah, your neighbour called, too.

She said she's reporting you to the council

over noise pollution over the constant sound of --

- I think she said sobbing. - And the third?

Yeah, your brother rang.

Really? Ben rang here? What did he want?

I don't know. Didn't say.

Hey, that is one hot herptile.

- Florence, meet Daniel. - [ Snake hisses ]

Cold-blooded, unpredictable, rough to the touch.

You two should get on like a house on fire.

Diamondback viper.

I've never seen one of these up close before.

Man, what I wouldn't do for a weekend

with her and Simon from the co-op.

Well, you're going nowhere near her.

She is as hormonal as hell right now.

I think her strop factor is somewhere between Naomi Campbell

and the full Gordon Brown.

- Just a couple of days? - Get out.

Go on, get out, or else I'll put her on you.

Put her on you.

Yeah, well, I'll put her on you.

I'll put her on you.

Right ok. D-Day.

Or as the Chinese say, dung zhe cha kung --

the moment of bowel-burst.

Now, tomorrow your parents arrive with your brother, Ben,

and you're gonna tell them who you really are,

knowing that that could result in them disowning you,

attacking you, or vomiting.

- How do you feel? - To be honest, I wasn't

expecting vomit to be on that list.

Um, I feel -- I feel terrified.

Oh, it's so frustrating! [ Sighs ]

If we were in Equatorial Guinea,

I could drive that fear out with a birch twig

and some plant hallucinogens. [ Sighs ]

This part of the world is so conservative.

Not too worry. I have something else up my sleeve --

a little NLP technique, yes.

Now, take the paper, take the pen,

and write on the piece of paper what you are most afraid of.

[ Sitar music playing ]

Now fold up the paper.

very good.

We're gonna burn that fear.

Yep, we're gonna set light to it.

And we 're going to watch it disappear into thin air.

What are you afraid of now?

Burning to death in your flat.

Ah. You can do this. I know you can.

Now, before you go, I want to give you something.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. I don't want to touch that.

I mean, that's gonna be some sort of...

Andalusian arse-rag or something, isn't it?

It's a lucky charm and you're lucky to have it.

It's brought me such good fortune

over the last five years.

You live alone because your cat walked out on you,

and you dry your pants on a bar fire.

Don't destroy the magic with hard facts.

No, just keep it close.

Ah, ah, ah! And above all, respect it.

[ Sighs ]

One last lingering dip in the doozers.

- Oh. - That's it.

- [ Muffled ] Oi. - Ah!

Oh, yes, you're ready! Or at least you'd better be,

because your final session is over in three, two, one.

Cured! [ Laughs ]

Oh! Your breasts have given me tinnitus.

[ Laughs ]

Just one more painful exercise to go through -- the bill.

I'll sort that. It's her birthday present.

Right. Okay. I'll be back.

- What are you doing? - Oh, come on, you don't expect

me to lug that all the way home, do you?

You cant do that. It's bad juju.

Bad juju?

Right. Here's the damage.

You are joking. What are these extras?

Four ramekins, a water filter,

a subscription to Sex in the Afterlife magazine?

Well, the deal was plus expenses.

Adoption papers for a donkey in India,

and a kilo of pick n mix?

There is another payment option.

Have you seen the film Indecent Proposal?

I'll just, um, get my cheque book.

[ Knock on door ]

♪♪

- Hi. - Eve: Hi.

Um, no dog?

No, no dog today.

Right. I mean, we are a vet's.

I mean, you don't have to have an animal,

but it does make consultations a little less weird.

Well, I can mime one for you, if it makes you feel any better.

But I'm not here for a consultation.

I'm here to see you.

Ooh. I'm slightly scared by that.

Good. I like you more when you're rattled.

I'm just gonna sit down, and you can, um, talk at me

while I swing my legs like a nervous teenager.

Eve: Done.

[ Exhales ]

So, I've -- I've been thinking about my situation.

Oh, the situation? Mm.

The "I live in a fabulous house with my beautiful,

perfect partner" situation.

- Yeah, that situation. - Right.

Well, that situation is -- is coming to an end.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I-I like to mix it up.

You know, I like a "beautiful, perfect partner" phase,

but I like to alternate it with a...

"speccy weirdo" phase.

I see. I mean, this is perfect timing, actually,

'cause I-I'm entering a new phase myself.

- Really? - Yeah. I've been on a strict,

20-year program of alcoholics, gold-diggers, nutters,

but, you know, I'm looking to upgrade to somebody

much more beautiful than I am who's gonna

make me feel panicked and...

slightly sicky the whole time.

Well, then, this could work.

I'll get things sorted in the next few days,

and maybe then we could discuss

the possibility of this new phase?

Great. Well, uh, you know where to find me.

Great.

[ Sighs ] I'll call you.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

[ Door opens, bell jingles ]

♪♪

[ Alarm clock rings ]

♪♪

Oh! Ugh!

Oh!

Ohhhh, God! My balls!

Oh, God, my balls! Oh, God, that's good.

If you'd wanted a woman to kick you in the nuts,

I'd have happily obliged without going through

that rigmarole.

[ Groans ]

Sara: What's happened?

Daniel: Oh, we got done.

Thought it was them coming back.

[ Knock on door ]

Put the chair down!

- It might be the burglars. - Oh, yes, because burglars

always tend to knock, don't they, Daniel?

They might be polite burglars.

The only people who knock before they come in

and nick stuff are relatives.

Put it away.

Hello. Colin Stafforth. PSCO.

Here's the ID.

- Please come in. - Thank you.

I was alerted by a couple down the road

that an incident had taken place.

So, what happened?

- Well, we were robbed. - Yeah, but they left prints,

so get the old talc out

and CSI the hell out of that window.

Yeah, I won't be doing that. That window's over a metre high

and there are health and safety implications.

As I say, I'm just here for Community Support.

Well, I mean, we are the community

- and we need your support. - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just calm it down, all right, madam?

No need to get all het up.

- God's sake, mate. - Step down, sir.

Settle, all right? Nice and calm, nice and calm.

All right, I'm gonna ask again, what happened?

Well, a load of junkies smashed the place up

and nicked all the morphine.

Yeah, with all due respect, sir,

you can't definitely conclude they were junkies.

No, they actually came for my Henry Moore statues

which were just near the ketamine,

which then fell into their bags.

Is that sarcasm I can detect there, madam?

Oh, I think that's the only thing you can detect.

Yeah, what sort of policeman are you, anyway?

Community Support Officer.

Ah, oh, yeah, that figures. Police lite.

Yeah. Fake fuzz.

Yeah. Do they actually even train you guys?

- It was mainly desk-based. - Yeah? No close combat?

Okay, once again, I'm gonna ask you to be quiet

so we can get back to the matter in hand.

Oh, please don't shush us again. My business is in tatters

and I'm getting shushed by an extra from The Full Monty.

And I'm gonna ask you to moderate your tone, madam.

Or what, Colin? You gonna fix-penalty-notice me to death?

Need I remind you I can have you arrested?

- [ Scoffs ] Yeah. What for? - Calm down, sir!

- You calm it down. - Trust me, Colin,

you don't want to see me calm.

Calm is the water before the shark attacks.

Listen, seeing as you're more of a part-time policeman,

maybe we can share the load?

You issue me with a crime number,

and I'll get on to the insurance company

and sort that out, yeah?

- No. - What do you mean, no?

No, I'm not convinced this was a break-in.

- What?! - What?!

Well, by all means, ring your local police station,

but if I am asked, and I will be,

I shall be at pains to point out that all of my enquires

we obstructed at every turn.

So if you'll excuse me,

I have a community to get back to.

Yeah, well, you plod on, Mr. Plod!

[ Door opens, bell jingles ]

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

Well, I know a bloke who'll shatter his leg for a tenner.

No, I mean about the business, Daniel.

I mean, I need it up and running now.

♪♪

- I owe you, J. Thank you. - Ah, don't thank me.

Just tell me I can come here and do it again.

I just disinfected a radiator.

- How bad is it? - Well, they've had the morphine,

pethidine, the benzodiazepines, and the secobarbital.

Oh, no, that's all the good stuff.

- [ Bell jingles ] - Yeah, tell me about it.

That's my weekend ruined.

Look at this place. Oh, it's such a mess.

- Mm. - I know. Isn't it wonderful?

I'm gonna need a steam cleaner and everything.

Reception is smashed to pieces.

I suppose we'll have to shut up shop

and get a carpenter in to fix it or something?

What do you need a carpenter for?

I'm here. I'm a man.

Technically, he's a man. too. Yeah, means we can do stuff.

I-I can't do stuff.

I've got a jackhammer, shovel, circular saw, tarpaulin,

and drill in the back of my car.

Don't ask.

Is this you offering to help me?

No, this is just a good opportunity

to get my big drill out.

Come on.

Well, that is me well and truly done with the supernatural.

- What d'you mean? - So much for Toria's charm

bringing good luck.

You have been looking after it, like she said?

Of course I have!

I have kept it somewhere really nice and dark and warm.

Well, maybe it just takes a bit of time to work.

- Yeah. - Ooh, can I fancy-dress

the animals again?

Have you still got that, um, rabbit tuxedo?

Oh, God. Florence.

Justine, I want you to be very quiet

and stand on that chair and stay there.

Oh, hurray!

How long do I have to count for?

Really not like that.

Okay. Do I -- Do I need to shut my eyes?

Uh, no, no. You need to keep your eyes very open,

like the most open they've ever been, okay?

So what's the game?

The game is called

"Try not to get bitten by the very angry snake."

I think the rules are pretty self-explanatory.

Oh, that's boring. No.

I think we should play "Find the Snake."

- No. - No, no, no.

It can't hurt me anyway, 'cause I've got rubber shoes on.

I think you're thinking of lightning.

No. I'm thinking of spare ribs with barbecue sauce.

You are a rubbish mind reader.

- Come on. What's its name again? - Florence.

Oh, that is a ridiculous name for a snake.

[ Chuckles ] I know.

Sounds more like a Constance.

This?

[ Whirring ]

This?

[ Loud whirring ]

Nope.

That's weird. How about this?

Ooh.

[ Gunfire-like rattling and whirring ]

- Nothing? - No, sorry, no. Nothing...

- Really? - No.

Man, you could hang a wet donkey jacket off my Johnson right now.

Wow.

[ Gunfire-like rattling and whirring ]

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, I think I saw it. Is it, um...

- Daniel: Aaah! - Is it long and thin?

No, Justine, it's short and fat.

It's a snake! What do you think it looks like?

I don't know. I'm just checking. You're the one who's qualified.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see it.

- Okay. - Will it go to sleep?

Does it work like a budgie?

Like a very, very angry, bitey budgie.

Okay. Ready?

We're gonna need a bigger coat.

[ Snake hisses ]

All right, got it cornered now.

I'm gonna go in.

Justine: Okay, look, I'll charm it. You grab it.

Oh, Florence. I think you're really pretty.

Come to mama.

Diamonds really are a snake's best friend.

- [ Snake hisses ] - Ohh!

Justine: That doesn't sound good. Oh, no.

What do I do? Oh, isn't saliva the thing?

- Shall I lick you? - No! You're thinking of urine.

- Oh, do I need to wee on you? - [ Zipper unzips ]

Oh, God.

Daniel, snake bite! You know what to do.

[ Chuckles ] You bet.

Not that. Uh, get me a shot.

Jamie, uh, shut the windows, the doors,

make sure it doesn't escape.

And, Justine, if you just ring the police, please,

- and the RSPCA. - On it.

- So what's the RSPCA? - Go on. You know, you know.

Oh, God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Most of the decent stuff's gone. This should tide you over.

Oh, that's a big needle.

Shut up. I need to concentrate.

I've never done this on a living human before.

- What? - Come on, bend over.

You're giving me a choice. Uh, okay.

Well, um, no, not fire.

- Daniel: Brace yourself. - So what are the other ones?

No, not ambulance.

- Ohhhh, God! - Sorry.

- Ohhh! - What's that?

- Sorry, I can't hear you. - Ohhhh, God!

- My friend's being stabbed. - Aaaaah!

- Daniel: Sorry, my mistake. - No. She's fine.

- Sara: Stop, Daniel! - It's the bite

that's worrying her.

It just didn't want to go in. One more go.

Aaaaaaah! [ Crying ]

Are you sure this is right?

- Yeah, of course it's right. - Only it does say here --

Jamie, which of the two of us is a qualified vet?

- What does it say? - It says, "For animal use only.

Keep out of the reach of children."

- Justine: Hi. - Penicillin.

Why would you give me penicillin?

I haven't given you penicillin.

Oh, yeah, I have. Sorry. My bad.

Are there any side effects?

Daniel: Uh, swelling, rashes, hallucination, blah blah blah,

uh, hypertension, embolism. No, basically it's fine.

Yeah, basically it's fine. [ Chuckles ]

Unless you're allergic to penicillin.

Which I am! Brilliant. Well done.

Jamie, can you ring my mum and dad

and tell them I can't make the dinner tonight

and I'm really sorry 'cause need to go to the A&E.

No way. You are going to that dinner, okay?

We'll sort this place out, us...men.

Yeah, bye! [ Exhales ]

God, they are a suspicious bunch.

Anyway, I think they're all coming.

♪♪

This doesn't feel right.

What? That yours is smaller than mine?

No, that I'm holding a drill at all.

Ah, it'll be quicker with both of us.

Get this cabinet up in no time.

What will happen to her? Will she be sick?

And what if she's sick in the restaurant?

I mean, those places are notorious

for slack vomit clearance.

Nah, nothing will happen to her.

Right. You drill there. I'll drill here.

- Ready? - Ready.

Three, two, one.

- [ Drills whirring ] - Feel my bit!

- Aaah! - Oh, what is it?

Snake. In there. Snake.

Get in. Right, Daniel, remember,

this is not an exercise. This is the real deal.

Remember all you've been taught.

I should go. Big night for Sara.

I want to support her.

Where are you, my little beauty?

Where are you?

God, the hospital was great. I'm so impressed with it.

Is it me, or is it really hot in here?

Oof! [ Laughs ]

Building up quite a head of steam.

Justine, why aren't you talking?

Y-You're always talking.

Why are you staring and not talking?

Justine? Say something!

- The future's bright. - Can I help?

- Hi. - Hi. I've booked a table.

Hostess: What name, please?

Queen Beatrice of the Netherlands.

[ Whispering ] I read that if you say stuff like that,

then you get treated better.

- Hi. - All right?

Wow. What's happened to you?

You been loitering next to a leaky nuclear reactor?

Oh, goodness me. What a lovely surprise.

Oh, God. It's you.

Well, don't you look fresh-faced?

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I work here.

Oh! Um, listen, about earlier, um...

Don't you think twice about it.

You know, you're right. I am a part-timer.

I'm a part-time Community Police Officer,

and a part-time waiter who's looking forward

very much to serving you this evening.

Listen, I was really stressed

and took it out on you. That's terrible. Sorry.

Let's just start again. Yeah? Clean slate.

Welcome to Trattoria Tony.

Lovely to be here. Um, listen, this is...

quite a big night for me.

Just want to check we're really,

really, really good, yeah,

before my parents are coming and...

- Oh, your parents? - Yeah.

- Angela: Hello there! - Oh!

- Sorry we're late. - Mwah.

I didn't like the look of the train driver.

I don't know what it was. Just an instinct.

So we took the next one, the 14:03.

- Hello, Justine. - Justine: Hello.

Hello, love. [ Chuckles ]

Justine.

And this must be Sara's boyfriend.

Very pleased to meet you.

Um, this is Jamie, actually. He's a friend of mine.

He's my friend Jamie.

- Oh, so where's Michel? - Who?

- Your boyfriend. - Oh. Michel.

Yeah, the French with the legs and the...

Um, I'll explain later.

So, this is an Italian restaurant, yes?

- Yes. - So will it be all right

for your Dad's hayfever?

I don't think pasta has a very high pollen count, Mum.

Why is your face orange?

- Donald: Angela, don't be harsh. - Well, it is. It's orange.

- I think it's more mahogany. - No, it's definitely orange.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, stop. Stop!

Why does everyone keep going on about my face?

Oh. My. God.

- It could be worse. - How?

[ Stutters ] I'll get back to you on that.

Mum, Dad, there's something I need to tell you.

I'm an Oompa-Loompa.

- [ Snorts ] - Yeah, great. Thank you.

No, I wasn't laughing. That was really --

it was just an up-- upbeat sneeze.

Yeah, well, this is a mistake, and I-I can't do --

- I can't be here. - Yes, you can. You can do it.

All right. Where's your lucky doll?

Um, well, you know I said it was someplace dark and warm?

- Yes. - Chucked it in the bin at work.

What?! No, God, are you mad?!

Oh, oh, that's it, it's over, 'cause you're cursed,

jinxed, hexed!

What are you, the thesaurus of doom?

That's why this is happening.

[ Laughs ] What, you don't seriously think, right --

You've been burgled, injected, injected again, gone orange.

We need to turn this around. Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

- Okay, yeah. - Now, what would Toria do?

Oh, she'd do something really annoying

that would make me want to kill her, like saying,

"Oh, why don't we do an improvised dance?"

Lucky dance. Some sort of, you know, something...

- Lucky dance. - Lucky?

- Do the lucky dance. - I'm doing the lucky dance.

♪ See, everything is gonna be all right ♪

♪♪

Come on! [ Exhales ]

Okay, deep breaths.

Remember, they only strike as a defense mechanism.

[ Breathing deeply ]

I'm going in.

Aaah!

Oh. That is a colonic tube.

Goodness. Yeah. Oh, there you are.

We've just been talking to this lovely waiter.

Do you know he works as a community policeman?

Yeah. It's just incredible.

Oh, it's nothing, Angela. I'm only a part-timer.

Do you get a lot of Triads?

I watched a program on them. They seem to be everywhere.

Angela, we've talked about this.

There aren't any Triads in this neck of the woods.

Shall I show you to your table?

- That would be lovely. - Follow me.

[ Toilet flushes ]

- Over here. - What? Here?

- Mm-hmm. - In the shadow of the U-bend?

I am sorry. We are fully booked, I'm afraid.

♪♪

- You all right there? - Yeah.

She's had a terrible day.

Oh, poor you.

Well, we're gonna take care of you today, aren't we?

Maybe give you a little bit extra.

He's an angel. Isn't he an angel?

Please don't put your DNA in my linguine.

Right, who's for water?

Justine: This is great.

I've got a good feeling about this.

- Thank you. - Sir. And -- oh!

- Oh! - Oh, I am -- I am so sorry.

Bless you, it's not your fault.

You must be exhausted trying to hold down two jobs.

There. Let me just mop that up.

Yeah, do you mind if just pass them? Thank you.

I gotta use these. Okay. [ Chuckles ]

I don't know why we come here. It's so tatty.

- I like tatty. - I know.

I thought I'd trained it out of you.

- And it's so loud. - [ Loud conversations ]

And why is everyone smiling?

Because they're eating carbohydrates.

You should try it.

Well?

Aren't you gonna ask me how my day was?

- Sorry. How was your day? - Awful.

I wish I hadn't been asked to ask.

Client's come up with this product, and I just --

I just can't come up with a name for it.

Right, well, what is it?

Meat...on a skewer.

Well, there's already a name for that. It's satay?

Oh, no, no, no. The focus group has said that --

Oh, God, here we go.

...that only relates to AB's, and this is a high-volume,

low-quality, mechanically recovered protein

for C1's, C2's and D's, and [scoffs]

they're just not gonna get satay.

Well, how about pig lolly?

Or is that not patronising enough?

The thing is, I don't let anyone new cross my threshold

without seeing their identification.

Sara: I have to flash an ID card every time

I come home for Christmas.

[ Laughs ]

- Not a joke. - It's not a joke.

So, tell us about Michel.

Yes, I did promise, didn't I? Um...

Uh...well, I'm just really glad we're all here

because there's something --

there's something that I'd like to say to you all.

[ Hums "Bridal Chorus" ]

[ Vocalises ]

And it's not that. Um...

It's sort of the opposite of that, actually.

Okay. Here are your mains.

Now, I know you said that you weren't hungry,

but I felt so bad over that little spillage

that I had a word with the kitchen,

and we have made you this. It's on the house.

It's our very special pasta di verdure.

- What's verdure? - It means green.

- [ Gags ] - Enjoy.

Chicken lance? Beef rubble?

Shit on a stick?

You're not helping. You're being a child.

- [ Sighs ] - As ever.

Okay.

Listen, can -- can we talk?

- I mean, properly talk? - Mm-hmm.

[ Whispering ] Sara? Sara?

- Come on. Get on with it. - I'm gonna get on it.

[ Snake hissing ]

Donald: Well, I don't know what they put in that calzone,

but my teeth suddenly feel very clean.

They're squeaky. Look.

[ Squeaking ]

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Where the hell has Ben got to?

He'll be late. He's always late.

Does he use the bus?

'Cause they've got these gangs, you know.

- What are you waiting for? - What?

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it now.

They can tell. You know, they smell them out,

and it's usually a young male.

[ Clinks glass ] Mum.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't think we're very good at expressing our feelings

as a family, and I want to try.

And I want to share something with you.

Aaah! Help! Aah! Aah!

[ Screaming ]

It bite right through my foot!

Ooh! Aah! Aah, aah, aah! Help! Help!

Would you like me to pour a jug of cold water over you

and cool you down? Hmm?

He-- somebody help me!

You're here.

Do we know her?

You did this, didn't you? This is your snake.

Don't say snake! We're in a restaurant!

- What are you talking about? - Did they say snake?

Is there -- Is there a snake?

You know what I'm like with snakes. I just...

ever since that mini-break in Cumbria, I can't...

- That was an earthworm. - I don't care! I'm scared!

- Get me out of here! - What are you doing on a chair?

Here. Take this prescription for this antivenom to A&E.

Go on. Off you go.

- Quick, can you get me a jacket? - Not mine.

I don't want shedded lady skin on it.

Geez.

♪♪

Here we go.

Is there ever gonna be a point in my life

where you don't just turn up and save the day?

That's what I'm here for. Why haven't you called me?

I've been trying to get hold of you all day.

Yeah, well, I've been busy, haven't I?

- I'm so glad you're here. - Hello, darling.

[ Chuckles ] We've already eaten.

- Hello. - Rather an intriguing meal.

My gravy was slimy, and your dad's tasted of pine.

I'm not sure teeth are meant to feel like this.

- Hey, Jamie. Hi, gorgeous. - How are you?

You shouldn't really have come, you know, not with your knees.

I scraped them when I was 4, Mum.

You need to get over that.

Come on, think of everything that Toria has told you.

It all comes down to this. Just do it.

Get on with it.

My pudding's gonna arrive in a minute,

and once that happens, I'm lost in custard.

Is that Sister Sledge?

I'm going back on the spiritual trampolining retreat.

I did -- well, you...

- I'm really scared. - This is getting ridiculous.

- Just say it. - All right.

You don't know what it's like.

I can actually taste my own heartbeat.

Have you ever tasted your own heartbeat?

Well, it taste's like chicken.

...tea that just expels, um, negative karma.

I think you are brilliant.

Once you've done this,

everything is going to be wonderful.

- Eh, Justine? - Custard.

Ben: Um, but listen, I --

I have realised life is too short not to be real

with the people you love, so I needed to come here

and say, Mum, Dad...

I'm gay.

Angela: Such a brave thing to do.

Lovely Ben, I'm so proud of you.

How is your day? How was -- I've been...

Well, at least we've got you to provide the grandchildren, eh?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪