Original subtitles

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[Sara] Oh, it's beautiful.

It reminds me of my parents' house,

but without the police tape.

I can't do this.

You have to. You need a practice run.

You can't practise coming out.

You can't simulate the pressure of that one awful moment.

A trial coming out to my parents is the next best thing.

They're so nuts, I've no idea how they'll react.

You could be hugged to death or thrown from a chimney.

- Does that happen often? - Not really.

It hasn't happened for months. Come on.

Am I the only one who didn't get the "Dress like 'Downton'" memo?

Well, I like to make an effort.

Gosh. That lovely timbering.

[ Kid screams ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

- Doodle-bug! - Bumble!

[ Both laughing ]

Okay. So it's genetic.

- Meet the gang. - Welcome.

Make yourselves at home.

Mi casa, su casa.

Oh. Me Justine, he Jamie.

- I-I'm Sara. Hi. - [Frances] Lovely to meet you.

Right! Come in, come in!

[ Gunshot ]

Oh. That'll be Humphrey getting dinner.

Bless him. Terrible, terrible shot.

We ate seagull last night,

and I swear that was the neighbour's cat

we roasted on Boxing Day.

Right. Follow me, everyone.

I'll give you the quick spiel here.

Um, the house was build in 1521.

Um, the walls are oak-panelled.

Over here on your left is the armoury,

which houses the sword

that was used to decapitate Lord Sevenoaks.

Out there is the orangery, the finest in England,

overlooking 100 acres of parkland.

Now, that is the speech we do for our local visitors.

Obviously, there's an alternative

for our American guests.

Do it!

Doodle, you do it.

- Oh, go on. - You know it, you know it.

This house has stood here since time.

Dinosaurs roamed this very banqueting hall.

So why not buy a special commemorative triceratops

from the gift shop, second on the left.

- Bravo. - Yes. You're a natural.

So proud of you. You'll be doing this

on your own one day, Doodle.

Well, I'll probably just turn it into a theme park by then.

[ Laughs ] Never.

"Caedite Eos."

[Humphrey] "Kill Them All."

Family motto since we were betrayed at the Battle of Epsom.

- Noodle! - Thumper!

- Oh! - The prodigal returns!

Mwah! Hello, all. Welcome.

Did you manage to kill something for supper, darling?

Bagged either a very old squirrel or an acrobatic rat.

Not sure which one. The dog's gone to fetch it.

Either way, smother it in spices.

Right.

- I'll make a salad. - [Humphrey] Blech!

Name me one person in the history of gastronomy

who's been roused by the phrase "I'll just toss some leaves."

I always remember what Pops said about greenery --

bloody waste of time.

And he should know. He lived till he was nearly 50.

[ Laughter ]

I will make a salad.

[Sozzie] I can hear strangers.

Humphrey, fetch me me crossbow.

[Frances] Don't worry, Soz.

Toria's brought home some friends. That's all.

[ Classical music plays ]

Well, don't just stand there. Come over here.

Bloody eyes have gone.

I need you close up. Have a feel.

- Oh! - Oh.

Humphrey, do you know what the problem is

with children today?

No heft.

Justine, shall we go to the car and get the rest of the bags?

No. I want Sozzie to feel my heft.

Trust me, you don't.

Hello. Uh, I-I'm Sara. Nice to meet you.

What is it?

I can't sex it from over there.

Hello. I'm Sara. I'm -- I'm Toria's friend.

I can't hear you!

Right. Shall we sort out some drinks?

- Gin! - Shall I fix some cocktails?

I-I don't think this lot could handle

any of your drinks, Daddy.

[Sozzie] Gin!

Now, I call this one the Hayemaker...

because it knocks you out after the fourth round.

[ Laughter ]

And this is the Tiger Woods.

Because it keeps on coming?

[ Laughing alone ]

[ Laughs nervously ]

Because you'll see birdies.

Of course. Yeah.

You need to note those recipes, Toria.

You'll be the one welcoming the guests here soon enough.

Yes, yes. It will be me getting everyone so drunk

that they don't notice that the mice have eaten their pillows.

- [ Laughter ] - [Humphrey] Right, noodle.

I'll show you the Eamonn Holmes.

So, three parts syrup.

[Toria] Yes.

- Honey? - Uh, some bitters.

There we go, there we go.

[Toria] Oh, lovely and fizzy.

[Humphrey] Yes. Right, now. I take that one.

Oh, I do so hate it when Humphrey's on the sauce.

He'll want sexy times later.

And I've got to get up first thing

to do a tray bake for the village fête.

Last thing I need is to be up all night

- doing the wheelbarrow. - [Coughing]

Hey, ho.

Can't tell you how nice it is

to have some of Toria's friends here.

I think we're going to get on famously...Plop.

Do you mind if I call you Plop?

It's just I think Sara makes you sound so strict.

And you can call me Bumble.

Great. Bumble.

So, Plop, tell me all about yourself.

Are you married?

Um, n-no.

Oh. Got a boyfriend?

There must be some lovely, big, munchy bloke

somewhere there, isn't there? [ Laughs ]

[Sara] No. No munchy man. No.

Oh, really? You're pulling my leg.

- No. - Really? But you're so nice.

Humphrey, Plop doesn't have a boyfriend!

- Who? - Who doesn't have a boyfriend?

That one? What's wrong with you?

Is it your bladder?

My friend Hermione has that problem.

She said that Cranberry juice was the thing that helped her.

Have you been in prison? Are you a convict?

Is that what it is?

Humphrey, get me the crossbow.

Listen. The thing is --

Why haven't you got a boyfriend, Plop?

Why? Why haven't you got a boyfriend?

- Have you got a boyfriend? - No. I haven't a boyfriend.

Or not got a boyfriend?

[Sara] I tried to explain that.

Because I'm gay!

[ Whispering ] Did I actually say that out loud?

Did that come out of my mouth aloud? Did --

Oh, God. That was awful.

[ Gasping ]

- [ Smooches ] - Oh, my darlings!

Oh, I see!

Oh, that's marvellous news!

- Hurrah! - Hurrah!

I'm so happy for you both.

No. We -- We -- No.

Oh, Toria, you're a dark horse.

- Congratulations. - Oh!

So happy for you, little sweet pea.

- Wonderful news. - Oh. Okay. [ Laughs ]

Those decades of indiscriminate sleeping around with men

were just a smoke screen.

Wonderful. Should I fire the cannon?

No. No, let's have a toast.

To Toria and Plop. To the gays.

- The gays! - Hey!

- Hello. - Hello.

I'm Sozzie.

I'm Sara.

Have you got a boyfriend?

Here you go, Humph. Not quite sure what it is.

Actually, that's a weasel.

Now, then, didn't know what to get you gals,

but I read up on it,

and apparently, you lot like these.

Lenteels [lentils]?

Never made it before, so here's hoping.

There, there.

Now, then, more wine? Red, white?

Real ale for you, Sara?

I've got some Naughty Roger in the fridge.

Actually, I'm just gonna stick with this.

That's great. Thanks.

How long these two been together?

Well, it's a little bit hazy.

- I'm furious with you. - Why?

You never told me about you and Toria.

- What are you talking about? - Shut up!

Now, what I've always wondered is how you have sex.

Yes!

Listened to a programme on Radio 4 about it once,

but I'm none the wiser.

Care to, uh, illuminate?

Oh, um, it doesn't really work like the offside rule.

- Oh, go on. Show us. - Oh, do!

I've always wanted to know.

Come on, Plop.

So, Sally Salt, Pauline Pepper.

We're all ears.

[ Mysterious music plays ]

♪♪

So, to get the ball rolling, so work the turmeric.

Keep an eye on the parsley. If you're feeling filthy,

why not have a go at the dill?

And basically, keep going for a round about 15 minutes,

or if you know them really well, it only probably takes two.

And then Bob's your uncle.

[ Object crashes ]

Nope. Still not got it.

Nope. Me neither.

But bless you for trying.

Hello. Are you married?

Oh, God. Not again. No, I'm not. No.

[Sozzie] Do you have a boyfriend?

You must have a boyfriend.

No, I don't.

Why? What's wrong with you?

Lovely wine, Humphrey.

Oh. Are you a connoisseur?

Oh, yes. Very much so.

Acidic tones with a hostile finish.

Shut up and enjoy your lenteels.

Why don't I give you a little tour of our cellar?

- I would love to. - Justine?

Great. Um, should I take my wine with me,

or will we be able to get some down there?

Yes, yes.

Hello. I'm Sozzie.

Oh, God. This is "Groundhog Gay."

[ Electricity crackles ]

Frances, intruder! Fetch me a rifle!

No. Don't panic, Mummy.

- It's just a power cut. - Oh.

Oh, is it one of those "You haven't paid the bill"

kind of power cuts, Mummy?

Electricity is very expensive.

Now, come on, you two. It's getting very late.

Let me show you up to your room.

"Room"?

Did she say "room,"

as in one room?

So, here they all are.

Sorry it's a bit chilly,

but got to keep the blighters in good order.

Oh, this is incredible.

I've never been in a wine dungeon before.

Frances is on at me to sell this lot,

but I just can't do.

They're my pride and joys.

This one --

1802 Chambertin Grand Cru --

the wine that gave Empress Josephine her headache.

And -- And -- Ah!

This is the tipple...

...that sent the architect of the Leaning Tower of Pisa giddy.

But this --

this is the peak of my collection,

the most valuable of all --

the legendary Piper-Heidsieck Gout Americain Champagne,

rescued from The Titanic.

Quick question -- would it harm the wine at all

if we just gave the bottle a little wipe?

Which ones can we drink?

Oh. Anything on that side.

There's a couple of lovely Burgundies

and a spanking Margaux.

Hang on.

Oh, darned it.

Left my bottle opener up there.

Back in a moment.

Right. Well, just so you know,

I do tend to get a tad grabby in my sleep.

Might latch on a little.

Just me. Don't worry. Are you decent?

Or have you got to the turmeric part yet?

[ Laughs ] Oh, very good, very good.

Listen. Don't stop getting undressed just because of me.

These old peepers have seen much worse than you two --

much worse.

Just thought I'd throw this over you.

There we go. Not that you'll need it.

You'll be generating your own heat, no doubt.

[ Both laughing bawdily ]

[ Laughs bawdily ]

Look at you two lovely little snuggle bunnies in there.

Don't you look lovely.

Good night, Doodle.

- Mwah! - Mwah!

Good night, Plop.

- Mwah! - Mwah!

Always did want a second daughter.

[ Laughs ] Aw, marvellous, marvellous.

There we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

I meant to bring you these -- manacles.

I just don't know if you want to use them at all.

Humphrey and I don't use them anymore 'cause he's got gout.

I've got some leg irons if you're at all interested.

As you were, as you were.

Good night, old bean.

And remember, what happens in the four-poster

stays in the four-poster.

[ Sighing ]

[ Doorknob rattling ]

[ Exhales sharply ] The door is locked.

Well, we need a bottle opener.

- [ Sighs ] - Oh, this is like torture.

Oh, tell me about it. Yeah.

I could just -- I could knock one over.

You know... [ Bottle rattling ]

...just accidently.

What, and then lick at it on the floor like an alcoholic puppy?

No, no. We should wait.

Oh, look at this!

Oh, look. We could use this as a bottle opener.

Justine, this is not the place to play "Highlander."

[ Scabbard clatters ]

Sabrage -- a Napoleonic cork-opening technique.

Where did you learn that?

Saw it on, uh, "Horrible Histories."

Okay.

Pass us a bottle -- cheap one.

Something white, uh, German, made by nuns.

- Okay. - I love the fact

that you know how to do all this complex stuff

and yet you've got no clue about the basics,

like capital city of Sweden.

Who needs to know about...

Santiago when you can do this?

[ Cork ricochets ]

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Snoring loudly ]

Are you awake?

- Yes. - Thought so. Yeah.

Only you could snore when you're wide-awake.

I've got sinuses like cheese string.

Sorry.

Why didn't you tell your mum we weren't together?

[ Exhales sharply ] There's no point.

She only hears what she wants to hear.

That's what 16 generations

of living in your own world does to you.

- Well, that'll be you soon. - Oh, gosh, no.

I've made a life for myself elsewhere now.

So why don't you tell her?

Ah. Believe me, I've tried.

But you can see what she's like. She does not listen.

Besides, this place is everything to them.

The idea that I've got a job,

that I live in the city for good --

well, the disappointment would kill them.

They're your parents. They love you.

If they're half as decent as I think they are,

then they will be delighted you're doing

what you want with your life.

Do you want my professional opinion?

I think you make light of difficult situations,

and you should opt for honesty rather than a punchline.

Make her listen.

And that'll be 50 quid. [ Laughs bawdily ]

Come on. Let's have a Sumatran healing tussle.

- [ Crashing noise] - [ Woman screaming ]

- Oh, God. - What the hell was that?

It's happening.

What? W-What's happening?

She's here.

Who's here?

She's -- She's...

She's -- She's...

Woman in black? Woman in white?

Woman in beige? Lady in red?

She's at the end of the corridor.

She's been haunting us since my childhood.

Help me!

Alright. What does she do, this ghost?

She whispers!

She whispers?

What? Like a paranormal librarian?

She walks the house at night.

Ooh!

- [ Crashing noise ] - Oh!

- [ Woman screaming ] - God! She's here!

♪ Ring around the rosie ♪

What are you doing? Totally freaking me out.

How would you like it if I sat bolt upright

and started singing "Baa, Baa, Black Sheep"

- like a psychotic toddler? - [ Infantile crying ]

- [ Gasps ] She's coming for me! - [ Woman laughs maniacally ]

This is utterly ridiculous.

[ TV turns on, static hissing ]

[ Both scream ] [ Eerie music plays ]

Get a grip. Uh, I am a woman of science.

I own latex gloves.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

[ Snores ]

[ Cork pops ] [ Both laugh ]

I think you've mastered that technique now.

Yeah. Told you. It's P-Persistence.

Uh, I want to sweep up.

I really want to. But I-I can't move my arms.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with "Wah."

You've done this one.

- Have we? - Yeah. It's wine.

Well-done! Another one.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with "Buh."

You've done that as well. It's bottles.

You're really good at this. Okay.

I spy with my little eye...

something beginning with...

- "Wah." - For God's sake, it's wine.

No.

Why are you not in a relationship?

Ooh. The answer is because I'm picky.

Good answer.

I spy something beginning with "H."

I give up.

How come you're not in a relationship either?

Well, I-I have very specific tastes.

So it's...

I spy with my little eye...

something beginning with...

- "Wah." - No.

[ Eerie music plays ]

- Toria? - Yes?

I need a wee.

You can't leave. You can't leave me.

Don't be silly. I'm busting.

- You can't leave me. - Look, just tell me where it is.

Okay? I'll be back in a second.

Alright.

It's out that door.

Turn left, then left again, then third on the left.

On the left. Okay, right.

- Sara? - Yes?

- Be careful. - Or what?

I'll get [raspy] whispered to death?

Yeah? [ Speaking in tongues ]

Pbht!

♪♪

[ Shuddering ]

[ Screams ] Oh, God!

Oh, stop. Stop being ridiculous.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Okay.

[ Bear growling ]

Oh, God.

Oh! Thank you. Oh.

[ Moans ]

[ Urinating ] Ohh!

[ Flashlight clicks ]

Please tell me I'm not pissing in your wardrobe.

One good thing about the ruling classes --

we're not embarrassed about anything.

Last time he was here,

the Duke of Sussex was found nut-deep

in our favourite heifer.

Didn't bat an eyelid.

Ah, yes. Okay.

We probably need to get rid of that, shall we?

Hmm. You really need to rehydrate.

That's like gravy.

Oh, God.

[ Snoring ]

I can't feel my legs. I can't -- I can't feel my legs.

Those are my legs. Get off them.

Where is your shirt? I-I don't know.

Why are your pants hanging off the wine rack?

I don't know.

Why -- Why are your flies undone?

Okay. Let's not, uh -- Let's not panic.

Don't panic. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

- I'm pregnant! - Oh, God.

What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna keep it,

and I'm gonna call it Burgundy.

Will you shut up? Look. Look what we did.

We drank it.

We drank his Titanic booze.

Oh, how could we do that?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

- [ Crashing noise ] - Oh! It's starting again.

- [ Woman laughing maniacally ] - I've got to get out of here.

But somebody might be hurt in there.

Well, then, you can deal with it.

I'm heading back to the room.

What? Are you nuts?!

Haven't you seen any horror films?

We can't split up.

Old Whispering Winnie will have you,

then get one of her mates to pick me off.

Come on. We're in this together.

You seen "Blair Witch Project"?

"Nightmare on Elm Street"? "Poltergeist"?

Well, nobody gets it with a pot of hot piss in their hands.

Come on. It's our lucky talisman.

- [ Gasps ] - [ Man screams ]

[ Woman screaming ]

Help!

[ Grunts ] I'm -- I'm with child!

And I'm -- I'm pregnant!

[ Banging on door ]

Um, I'm a drunk, pregnant woman,

and I'm locked in a cave,

with only champagne to feed her baby!

[ Animal yowls ]

[ Woman shrieks ]

Sozzie, what are you doing?

[ Man screams ]

She's running the show!

We have to power-shower her

where the sun doesn't shine every morning.

Sozzie can't run anything.

I'm coming in, and I have a catapult!

What are you doing in here, darlings?

I really need to know what is going on.

Yes, of course. We were going to tell you.

Honestly, it's just I couldn't find the right time.

You know this place has been falling to bits.

Well, we thought this was the best way to inject some cash.

What? So you let people think it was haunted?

We make a living out of it.

Can't get Yvette Fielding and her lot out of here.

You let me think it was haunted!

[ Raspy ] I see dead people.

Not now, Mummy.

I haven't slept properly since 1976!

Everyone I've ever slept with

has had to share the bed with over 50 lucky teddies!

I keep a bayonet down my panties.

Oh, that's what it was?

What can I say? It's a family business.

- I do the whispering. - She does a lovely whisper.

Really chills the marrow.

[ Speaking in tongues ]

Humph has the hardest job.

I'm on "Sticking hand up through freshly dug grave" duty.

Do you have a boyfriend?

- Oh, for God's sake. - What about poor Sozzie?

How could you do it to her?

- Doodle, it was her idea. She's obsessed.

She can't stop doing it, even when we're on our own.

I told you. There's no such things as ghosts.

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪♪

- Why are you holding a sword? - Why have you got a stuffed bird?

Why are your flies undone?!

- [ Zipper closes ] - I'm pregnant.

♪♪

- What are we going to do? - I don't know.

I'm buying another bottle

of Chateau Neuf du Titanic, I guess.

I meant about us, about last night.

Oh, that. Listen.

Um, turns out that I confused, uh, being pregnant

with being pissed.

I won't make that mistake again.

We were just drunk.

Doesn't have to mean anything, does it?

No, no. Of course not. No, no.

- Just drunk. - Honest.

- Hello! - Morning!

Are you married?

Uh, no, Sozzie. Not married.

And before you ask, I don't have a boyfriend either.

Oh.

In fact, I'm never gonna have a boyfriend,

because I'm [echoing] gay!

And, uh, when my parents come next week to visit me,

I'm going to hold them by the hand, like I'm holding you,

look in their eyes, like I'm looking into your eyes,

and I'm going to tell them exactly that,

probably without the shouting bit.

How lovely.

Who are you?

Toria.

The pot -- where is it?

Oh, I think it's on the landing, where I left it.

I should go and get it, shouldn't I?

It's got my piss in it.

Well, don't worry. The dogs will drink it.

I'll go and get it.

You distract her, okay?

Better still, why don't you tell her.

- Oh! - What would the Mayans do, eh?

Come on. [ Clicks tongue ]

- Mum? - Yes, darling?

Um, there's something I need to tell you.

It's going to be hard for you to hear,

but I want you to try and understand.

Of course, darling.

Mum, I'm...employed.

well, that's wonderful. Would you like marmalade?

No, I don't want marmalade.

You're not listening to me.

I've got a job.

- A job? - A job.

Something for me, something of my very own.

So I won't be coming back and running this place.

I know that must come as the most awful shock,

but I needed to tell you.

But we've never had a job in the family.

I know. I'm sorry.

Does this job make you happy?

Yes. Very, very much.

Well, then, I'm happy for you.

- Oh! - Do you want me to tell Daddy?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Sorry about that lock-in, son.

That's the trouble with this age.

You're only a second away from a coma.

Talking of which, about your cellar --

What the hell you doing with that old crock?

Oh! Uh, uh, it's, uh, uh...

Very essential part of my new exercise regime.

Uh, it's sort of cardio-vase-cular.

You young, gay, city types are a bloody mystery.

You really are.

Can I take a look at that?

God. Look at this porcelain.

Can I ask where you got it from?

Ooh. I don't know. Mummy?

Grandgrumps.

Bought it off a Chinaman in one of the Opium Wars.

That's all I know.

And where has it been all this time?

Oh, well, uh, Great Uncle Fudge

used to prick out his tomatoes in it, I think.

And Netty lent it to the housekeeper

to wash down the steps.

And we used to use it as a crash helmet when we went cycling.

I use it to keep my tennis racquets in it.

And Nanny Loops used to smash it against the wall

to let us know it was suppertime.

[Humphrey] And we've toilet-trained five generations

- of field spaniels in it. - Yes.

- Apart from that, nothing. - Mm. Why?

Firstly, if you look at the thick glaze on the porcelain,

and of course the size and the weight,

the trace of the classic cobalt blue-and-white colouring

on the vase itself -- ah.

There you have, clear as day --

the telltale cord markings of the Yuan dynasty

around the 13th Century.

So, value -- how much do you think it's worth?

Oh, well, we hadn't really thought about value.

Well, no. It's a cherished family heirloom.

We wouldn't be thinking of selling it.

If you were to take it to auction,

and taking into consideration its poor condition,

I'd estimate conservatively

you could expect too get around £2 million to £3 million.

Humph, call Christie's.

Mummy, we're not in the haunting business anymore!

[ Classical music plays ]

♪♪

- Thanks, Bumble. - Do come again.

We'll get some more condiments in.

You can explain that sex thing again.

- Still not got it. - [ Laughs ]

Okay, Humph.

- [ Laughs ] - Mwah!

Hello. Who --

Gay. Goodbye.

[Frances] Bye, Bumble! Bye, Thumper!

[ Horn honks ]

I'm sorry we drank your wine!

Sorry I peed in your porcelain!

Bye, Sozzie! [ Both laugh ]

[Frances] Alright. Right.

- Now, then. - [Humphrey] Right.

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪