Original subtitles

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Jeremy Paxman: Which French chemist refuted the phlogiston theory

of combustion by identifying and naming oxygen?

- Dick Francis. - I hate the science ones.

Why cant they do stuff on art? Hi.

- Justine: Hi. - Hi.

- Dick Francis. - Oh, Fredo, I don't think so.

Go on, pal, you know. Go on. Go to the basket.

- [ Grunts, sniffs ] Ooh. - Ooh.

- Rabbit? - Yes, rabbit.

Sorry, one detonated in reception.

I thought I'd got rid of it. Ugh.

Ugh. [ Grunts, sighs ]

[ Sniffs ] Ooh, that's still there, isn't it?

Sorry. Anyway why are you here?

Justine has sold her television.

Mm, why is that?

To save up for a new DVD player.

- And I've come to get this. - Justine: Dick Francis.

Hang on. That's my birthday present!

Yes, four years ago.

You've never read it, so I'm taking it back.

[ Scoffs ] Of course I've read it!

Alright, name a poem in it, then.

Erm, there's one about Autumn, er, time...

- Nope. - ...an ode.

Pathetic. They're beautiful and romantic.

- You should have read them. - [ Gags ]

Who was appointed Secretary of State under Richard Nixon

in 1973 holding the post concurrently with that

- of National Security Advisor? - Dick Francis.

Why do you always say Dick Francis?

Its not like he is ever going to be the answer, is he?

Could be. It's just a case of waiting long enough.

I reckon if I keep on saying it, then one day it'll be right.

Isn't that Jeremy Clarkson's mantra?

- Right, come on, we're late. - I've just got in.

Five minutes.

I'll shall be out in the car pruning my Magic Tree.

Ooh. Someone rang for you. An ex of yours.

Sounded angry.

Well to be honest that could be any of them.

Okay well, process of elimination.

Was there a steam-press in the background?

- No. - Right, not Clare then,

she doesn't get out for I think another two years.

- Erm... - Dick Francis.

Donna, performance artist, just sat around in her pants

juggling oranges. Never paid a bill.

- No, not her. - Right err...

Who used to hoot like an owl when she had sex?

"Hoo-hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo-hoo. Hoooo."

Er...I've no idea.

Look. Come on. Come on. Focus. who was it?

I don't know. She sounded French.

- French? Oh, God, that's Sabine. - Yeah! That's the one!

Oh. She's in town,

and the person she was staying with has stood her up.

Sabine: [ Knocking on door ] Nom d'un chien! Fais chier!

C'est pas possible! Merde!

- So I invited her round. - Oh God. Not Sabine.

Not here. Tell her I'm out. Tell her I'm out.

Sabine: I can hear you!

Tell her I have left the country.

[ Knock on door ]

Sabine: Allez merde!

Open this door! [ Shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

Justine, bonjour.

Oh, je t'aime, my pale little English.

Oh.

[ Scoffs ]

Sabine: Sara.

Sabine.

I see that time has not been kind with you.

I will not embrace you in the French way

because I know you cannot cope with,

how you say, intimité.

- Intimacy. - Pfff, no matter.

You cannot cope with it in any language,

because you are cold, frigide, refoulée -- une lâche

qui a peur d'experimenter la vie, effrayée...

Sabine, stop it! English! En anglais! Parle en anglais!

[ Yells ]

Okay.

But it's just so beautiful.

We have plenty of time to discuss about our differences.

For now, you can make me

one of those brown drinks you English like.

What do you mean, plenty of time?

Did Justine not tell you? I am come to stay.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, no, you're -- no, you're not.

No, you're not coming to stay, no.

Or what? You will move to Canada again?

Il ne faut pas te moquer de moi ma chérie,

je ne suis pas complètement débile!

Parle en anglais! Sabine. Parle en anglais!

Incroyable! Salope!

Justine, get rid of her. Get rid of her. Okay?

Justine, I want it gone by the time I get back.

- Sabine: No! - [ Shouts indistinctly ]

Toria: Okay, let's recap. Now, in four weeks' time,

your parents are going to come to your house

and this is the chaos of you coming out to them.

You don't think the whole penis/parents analogy is

psychologically counterproductive?

Okay, fair enough, yes. Let's use the uni instead.

Now...

Oh that's made a hell of a mess.

[ Laughing ] I hope it doesn't go as badly as that.

[ Laughs ]

Is there really a University of Kyrgyzstan?

- So, Sara, what do you need? - Erm, help?

Surely Shangri-La college is made up?

Bloody hope not.

I paid 25 quid for that degree.

Right, let's get started. A little bit of drum therapy.

Ah, no. Sorry, I don't speak bongo.

Oh, come on.

Where did you get this from? Nania Poletecnic?

Don't joke about it. I've just seen the certificate.

Why am I going to take a drum to my parents' house?

"Mum, Dad, there's something you need to know --

I've joined the cast of Stomp."

I've saved a dozen marriages, two civil partnerships

and a loose polyamorous happening with that bongo.

Just think what you want to say to me,

yes, and then drum it out.

Anything else?

Excellent. You see, the feelings are there,

now you just need to get in touch with them, like Jamie.

- What? - Yes, Jamie's in touch

his feminine side --

he knows which colour palette is in vogue each season,

he knows the names of most British wildflowers

and he cries at "Natural History" documentaries.

- Sorry what do you mean? - Autumn 2010?

Oh, erm, warm taupe, bias cutting,

the return of the palazzo pant.

See? He's a lovely, gentle girl-boy-man

and not ashamed of it.

What we need is a trigger to help you vocalise.

Now, what do you do when you want to express love?

Well, I'm quite shy,

but I suppose I would cook them something.

Can I just say that I do know loads about cars? So...

Yeah, he, er -- he drives a Nissan Eunuch.

- No, I don't. She's joking. - Toria: [ Laughs ]

Alright, Sara, then what is the speciality of your maison?

Well, actually, I do make a very good crumble.

Okay, think about that crumble. Yeah?

Make it a symbol of your feelings.

Now, those feelings are great

and you're going to share your feelings

just as you are going to share your brilliant crumble.

Are you talking about the, er -- the sour crumble you do,

you know the one with the undercooked apples?

You are such a...

[ Opera music playing loudly ]

[ Volume decreases ]

Sabine, what the hell are you doing here?

Relax cherie. I am just creating a mood...

Yes so I can see, and that mood is human sacrifice.

I do not expect that you understand.

You know nothing of expression, of sensuality...

Ah, but this isn't sensuality. This is a fire hazard.

Ah yes. You British.

Always with the health and safety.

D'accord. You dial neuf, neuf, neuf

whilst I dance naked in the fires of passion.

Okay, do you remember when I pretended to have amnesia?

Do you remember when I faked my own death?

Well, this is why.

Because you could never express yourself.

What do you want from me?

We didn't even have a relationship.

We just argued for two months.

That is our relationship.

[ Crying ]

What now?

You can't handle my feelings.

Well, I can handle them.

It's just -- do you have to be so continental about them?

You abandoned me. All I had left was George.

And now il est mort...

Who's George?

He was like a father to me.

That is why I am here.

For his funeral. I am alone.

All I needed was somewhere for a few days.

Please?

- A few days? - Oui.

One night okay? One night.

No shouting, no kissing, and no lit fires in the living room.

- Alright? - Je t'adore!

[ Smooching ]

Daniel.

Would you say that I'm repressed?

- Yeah. - Really?

Yeah. Absolutely. You're probably

the most repressed person I've ever met in my life.

You're repressed, pent-up,

awkward, weird, neurotic and you annoy the hell out of me.

Why?

Nothing.

[ Sighs ] Sorry I'm late.

I had a massive plastic surgery consult.

Ooh, let me guess -- erm, eyebrow lift on a pug?

- Nope. - Botoxing a bulldog?

No, I was actually vajazzling a Vizsla, which was interesting.

Erm, she is now very grumpy but extremely ornate.

- [ Chuckles ] - So how is --

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Ooh.

Okay so not in pain then...?

Erm, no. Erm...

Could that have been a fit?

- It could have been a fit, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- But it's not a fit, is it? - No.

- Eve: Wasn't a fit. - No.

No, no. He's, erm, yeah, robust.

I think he is just please to see me which we

can't really prescribe medication for.

Well, no, because otherwise,

well, we'd both be on that medication.

- Erm... - I guess that's it then.

All done.

I guess so yeah.

Nothing else?

[ Clicks tongue ] I...

I think we have probably done everything.

we've done antibiotics, yes, anti-inflammatories,

booster jabs, flea treatment, God we were busy.

4 x-rays, 2 MRIs, you removed his stitches,

the ultrasound scan.

Clipped his toenails, we cleaned his teeth

and his balls were glazed.

But I didn't charge you for that.

No-one could accuse you of not being thorough.

Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]

Thanks.

Y-Y-You're very welcome.

[ Clicks tongue ] Hmm. [ Clicks tongue ]

There's -- There's a -- There's a gerbil outside

- and she gets... - Okay.

...very stressed about time.

Fine.

- I should go. - Yeah.

We'll, erm, settle the bill. [ Exhales sharply ]

Oh. Hi. Yeah, just a quick call to say

that Tigger's out of the operation now

and I should be able to let you know in about an hour

or so whether he's dead or not.

I mean, I wouldn't hold out too much hope...

[ Sighs ] Hi.

Erm, I think what my trainee was trying to say is

that Tigger is defiantly on the road to wellness

albeit taking a slight pit stop in the layby of pain.

Okay? Thank you.

Daniel, I've told you a million times.

Please don't drop the D-bomb when there are clients present.

Okay? Thank you.

Actually, can I ask your advice?

Erm, I've got a friend who's in a bit of a quandary.

- Is she blonde? - No. Why?

[ Sighs ] No, no, I hate blondes.

If she's blonde, then whatever's happened,

she's brought it upon herself.

Well my very brunette friend, she really likes somebody,

but she's finding it really hard to express her feelings.

Aw, ditch her. She sounds like a dork.

She is not a dork,

my friend.

She just doesn't have any confidence.

Oh, that's easy. Tell you what.

A couple of glugs of gamma-hydroxybutyrate

for sexy-sexy times.

Man, I'm like...

An angry chipmunk?

Yeah. Yeah. Only for about 90 seconds though.

Then, er -- then your legs give way.

Reminds me I must, erm, get the locks changed

on that drugs cabinet.

Okay, I can do this. D-D-Deep breaths.

[ Breathing heavily ]

That's not helping. Erm...

Okay, er...

remember your mantra -- Apple crumble.

Apple crumble. Apple crumble.

Hey, bro. How are you?

She's in the stockroom.

- I'm not here to see her. - Really?

I thought you were Satan's little helper...

Well, hombre, you've mistaken the situation.

- Really? - Really.

From this position here I could roundhouse kick you

into next week, mate.

Yeah? Well, I could, er...

slap your face...

...till it hurt.

- [ Chuckles ] - Yeah. Yeah. Hey.

Nice styling.

So, er, what's happened to you?

I mean, I always thought you were a massive wet towel.

Yeah, well, maybe this massive wet towel is now dry.

- Hey, you finally manned up. - Hell yeah.

So what's that them?

Just on my way to the dump to take some books

thought I'd pop in and see if you fancied a pint.

- What books? - Oh.

Erm, complete works of John Donne,

"Royal Horticultural Yearbook," "Blue Planet."

Is that porn?

Well, there's a sperm whale in it.

Keep that one -- the rest have got to go.

Dude, I'm not even going to recycle them. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, well, it's good that you've finally come round.

Us guys have got to stick together haven't we?

It's a man's world.

We got to make sure those women are reminded who's boss.

Daniel, how many times have I told you

to clear out that stock room?

Sorry. Get on with it

- Sabine: [ Yelling in French ] - Oh, God no.

Et quand elle a un orgasme,

elle fait un bruit comme un hibou...

- What's an hibou? - An owl.

Please tell me you didn't just tell her that?

Oh, always with the embarrassment.

The repression.

Why should you be ashamed with me?

- We have shared everything. - Hm.

Remember the time that you had to wear a nappy

round the Coliseum...

- What are you doing here? - J'ai oublié la clef.

How can you oublié it?

- I just gave it to you. - Should I be here?

Maybe I lost it because I am devastated.

I am in grief.

Je suis écrasée par la douleur...

En anglais Sabine!

[ Gasps ] Merci. Adieu.

A bientot cherie.

A bientot psychopath.

Very sorry about that. That's my ex.

She's mad. Totally mad.

But, erm, just here for a funeral, staying for a bit,

- and then she's gone. - I see.

Erm, do you have that bill? I really should settle up.

Yes I do.

I was thinking that we should, er,

have a drink tonight to celebrate you having

the most irritatingly robust dog on the planet.

I'm sorry. I can't tonight.

Erm, anyway, you seem to be quite busy

with mad exes and, erm, gerbils.

Come on, Smithy.

- [ Buzzer ] - [ Sighs ]

Jamie: Yo.

Hello. Erm, yeah, I'm outside.

- Erm, can you buzz me in? - Jamie: Whatever.

[ Buzzer ]

What the hell's happened? Have you been burgled?

Ah, just kicking back.

Tidy it up if you want.

You lot like that sort of thing.

What d'you mean "my lot"? Have you had a fall?

More of a revelation.

Why are you playing video games?

"Extreme Bastard 4."

- But you hate violence. - Shut up, will you?

I'm trying to garotte this postman.

Oh, well, I might have known you'd be involved.

What have you done to him?

What have you done to my Jamie?

Don't know what you're talking about.

We're just expressing ourselves. Like men.

How do I mow down that pensioner?

Press the "A" button twice.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Was there anything else?

I will leave you to your OAP game.

[ Tyres screech, crash ]

Hello?

Hello?

[ Liquid bubbling ]

Fredo?

Fredo?

Fredo?!

Sabine: Bonjour cherie.

Monsieur Chien and myself 'ave been cooking.

A little chicken three ways,

a soupcon of jus, ballatine of quail --

What the hell were you thinking of,

coming into my work like that?

- I was seeing a patient. - A patient?

I do not think so.

I don't know what you are talking about?

She is nice that one.

She likes you, but you will blow it with your sad Englishness.

Do you want me to speak with her?

No. Please, no, no.

Don't you see it is better to share your feelings

than to have someone guess at them?

We have a saying in France -- when the lion loses its larynx,

the antelope loses its meaning.

I have no idea what that means.

It is lost in translation.

Voilà.

Nope, still not got it. Sorry. No idea.

George, who taught me that, alone, lying in his coffin.

I have to speak the eulogy at his funeral.

I don't know how I will cope.

- If only -- - If only what?

If only I had someone to support me in this terrible time,

someone who could come

- to the funeral with me. - Sabine.

What, you going to develop another illness

in the next few seconds?

Mumps? Measles? Whooping cough?

Maybe...

Sabine, please just a few words...

I cannot do it.

- I cannot. - Of course you can.

I am too vulnerable to speak.

You are never unable to speak.

I'm sorry. You will have to do it for me.

- What? - Look at me.

I am an 'usk.

Sabine, just a few words, please.

Please. For your old friend

- and your old lover. - No.

Yes we were lovers. We were lovers. We were lovers.

Sara: Alright, alright. I'll do it.

- Alright, I'll do it. - Lovers.

Just sit down and shut up. Shut up.

Alright.

Just tell me what he was like.

He was courageous.

Mm-hmm.

- Strong. - Mm-hmm.

Brave.

He lived in a small village...

[ Clears throat ]

George is...

- not alive. - [ Crying ]

When he was alive he knew some people.

About 6 or 7 people.

Erm, and the great thing about these people

was there was a good split between male and female.

About 60% men,

40% women.

Some of these men have facial hair.

Beard and moustache. Erm...

Some do not.

What I know about George is...

he was a tiger.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

And he was courageous,

strong...

...and lived in a village.

Hi, erm, Eve. It's Sara.

Listen, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier.

It's, erm...

My life is crazy, and I am going to sort that.

- [ Crying ] - Can you just shut up a minute?

[ Crying ] I am bleeding.

And so are my ears.

It's quite a slow process. Erm...

Er, think of it like an apple crumble.

You've got your emotions which are, erm, er, the fruit

and then you've got your crumble

which is the crunchier emotions

and then you put it in the oven

and you heat up the emotions and you share them.

And does that make...

- Anyway... - [ Crying ]

...would you come to dinner with me?

I-I can show you I've got loads of other lab coats,

- loads of different colours. - [ Crying ]

Who am I kidding? You can probably not even hear me

over le bruit!

[ Sighs ] If you want to, just call.

[ Crying ]

My darling! Merci beaucoup.

My emotions were too great to handle.

You are better at this

because you are emotionally détachée.

Yeah we'll call it quits, shall we?

I just got to go now. Okay?

- Oh. - Why?

It's just that...

I said it would be okay for some people to come back

to ours for some food.

Nothing special -- a little truffled frogs leg,

une fougasse with olives, duck rillette.

Non?

Oui?

[ Laughter ]

That's right!

"Hoo. Ooh"

Hey.

Hi. Didn't you get the message?

The "Miami Vice"-themed party is off

We're too busy having a wake.

Very funny.

Why don't you tell it to your coffee morning?

Yeah, erm, I've made the puddings,

but we're a little short on sandwiches.

Well get someone else to be your nibbles bitch.

You know? I'm a man.

And more importantly I am my own man.

- Isn't that right, Danny? - Yep.

Yeah, you need to start respecting me.

I am not going to clean your clothes,

wash your dishes, or chauffeur you around.

Will you still alphabetise my books?

Oh, yeah, I'd still like to do that.

Hey. Careful.

But I-I can't.

Yeah, this is, erm, a new era.

Mm.

This era doesn't have a womb.

Its going to be quite a short-lived, era isn't it?

[ Chuckles ] Think about it.

Right.

A wake is a great place to pick up depressed tush.

So, phase two -- lessons in love.

Women love to be told

that they're going to have sex with you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah. Watch this.

Alright.

- You're Sabine, right? - Yes.

That means you are French,

- yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- J'aime les Francais... - Really? You speak a little?

Well, you know, only what I need.

Voulez-vous coucher avec...

What's your problem? I thought you Mediterraneans

liked a bit of bunga bunga...

Yeah she loved it.

That is the way to roll, brother.

You see, that snail-eating soft-arsed brie basher is

mine for the taking.

How many times have to told you?

When you are angry use the FIST.

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, that's better...

- Did you make this crumble? - Mm-hmm.

It's delicious.

Thank you so much. That's really sweet of you.

[ Sabine laughs ]

You okay?

I've just been telling everyone about the time

that you vomited on the steps of the Vatican.

That was a very bad bug. It was a one-off.

Do you know what? I'm really not okay.

No, I'm not okay with you invading my space,

or setting firecrackers off in my bedroom,

or dressing my dog up like Nicolas Sarkozy

and I am certainly not okay with you telling total strangers

that I come like an owl.

I am furious with you.

Good.

I am glad.

At least this is an emotion!

Because you're crazy and loud and shout all the time!

This is good. Anything else?

Yes. You are fun and open

and you love life and...

and I hate you for it.

More.

I just want to bury the hatchet.

Bury the hatchet?

Is this another repressed English sex game,

like pass the parcel?

Oh, I don't think you've been playing that right.

Mm.

I want to start again.

And I'd like us to be friends.

Excellent.

Then as my new friend

I must tell you I have sights on someone.

Mm. Really?

Someone delicate, feminine, gentle.

I can sense the passion lurking there.

Well. Good luck. To them.

Next time, maybe you'll have the balls

to invite that nice girl that you like.

Hm. Mm.

Ah, my knight in shining amour.

I don't know about that. I, er --

Parlez-vous français?

Oui.

[ Door buzzes ]

♪♪

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Me? Er, I'm here to see Eve,

but I think I've got the wrong house.

Oh, no, no. She's here.

Erm, just -- er, darling, are you alright?

There's someone here to see you...

Eve: Alright, babe, I'll just be a minute!

Alright.

[ People laugh in distance ]

She'll be ages. I'm just going to...

I'll go get her.

Jeremy Paxman: The symbiotic association of rhizobium bacteria

with the roots of legumes is the basis of which process,

- essential to agriculture? - Dick Francis.

Jeremy Paxman: Your starter for ten -- which crime writer

rode the Queen Mother's horse Devon Loch

in the 1956 Grand National?

- Dick Francis. - Jeremy Paxman: Correct.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Which British composer's works include

"The Protecting Veil" and "Song for Athene"?

- [ Bell rings ] - Sally Gunnell.

Jeremy Paxman: The naked torso of a woman,

an inverted tuba and a cane-bottomed chair

all appear in a painting by which Belgian surrealist?

- Sally Gunnell. - [ Buzzer ]

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