Original subtitles

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

Sara: This is a nightmare. How do I look?

Like a rhino that's been to Specsavers.

- Is she here yet? - Yeah, but don't worry.

Your personality'll repel her

long before she notices the hair.

Please do me a favour. Stall her.

Just for five minutes, just while I sort this out, okay?

No problem.

Hi, Daniel said to come straight in.

Hi. How are you?

Wow. What happened?

You've seen "Something About Mary"?

Yeah.

That, but with an un-neutered tomcat.

- Ohh. - Yeah.

Anyway how's the...

- Dog? - Yes, no, got that bit.

I can't remember if it's a girl or a boy.

Oh, well I can draw you a diagram.

No, don't take the fun out of it.

I want to see what I can remember, eh?

Right. It's fifty-fifty, isn't it?

It's a...boy?

Is the right answer!

- [ Intercom buzzes ] - Oh, now I see them.

[Daniel] Testing, testing.

Message to the pointy-headed prat.

This is Death Warrior.

The guy from the needle bank's here.

Could you give me the approximate coordinates

of the sharps, please? Over.

This is Pointy-Headed Prat, your employer,

calling Bearded Bastard,

saying that the needle bank is exactly where it always is,

by the door in the plastic bin!

Sorry. That's Daniel.

Take cretin, times it by pillock,

add an ounce of dopey and that's him for you.

Ten-four. Heard that.

You forgot to turn the intercom off. Over.

Ohh! [ Laughs ]

Um, okay, so, how's he doing?

Well, he's pretty stiff actually.

He's still having trouble walking.

Well, just rest him up, and come back in a few days

and we'll see how he is doing.

- Here? - Yes. Why?

I was thinking he, um,

he might benefit from having his consultations

in a more... relaxed environment.

Say, um, in -- in -- in the evening?

- Yes. - I'm actually better in half-light.

So, works for me.

Preferably somewhere that serves cocktails.

He loves a cocktail.

Well, what dog doesn't like to kick back with a piña colada?

Um, trying to think of some dog-based cocktail puns now.

Jack "Spaniels" and Coke?

Technically a spirit and a mixer,

but I will let you off that.

Well, I'll give you a call tomorrow and we'll arrange.

- Thanks again. - You're welcome.

Oh, and next time maybe you could make

more of an effort with your outfit.

The least I expect is a white coat and a pair of latex gloves.

♪♪

- See ya. - Bye.

♪♪

[ Whispering ] Daniel!

I need you to get me a surgical gown, scrub suit,

theatre clogs, rubber mask, stethoscope,

and antimicrobial waders.

And make them sexy.

Okay, I'm just gonna go on tea break now.

So if you could just handle the consults.

Be back out in 15. Go on you can cover for me.

- No. - What do you mean, no?

Well, I'm incompetent, remember?

Tosspot multiplied by imbecile to the power of moron squared.

That's logged, that is. I won't forget that.

Well, that was a joke because obviously you're a great person

and a brilliant vet, and I really...

I'm not up to the job, am I, remember?

Oh, come on, Daniel, don't leave me to do this.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I mean, I pop Demerol during consults.

I laugh at bald cats.

I once played keepy-uppy with an anaesthetised hedgehog!

And the next patient, please.

Good news is you fast-tracked after that hedgehog situation.

Fantastic.

Okay, Julia, if you'd like to take a seat.

Oh! Ohh.

That is so lovely.

- Really? - Is it an original?

No, I got it at a car boot.

Just gives me something fun to look at

while I'm redirecting a chinchilla's colon.

Oh! [ Laughs ]

Come on. You've obviously got an eye.

Well, I don't think anyone has ever said that before.

It really lifts the place.

Anyway, you. How can I help you?

Actually, Sara, it's -- it's quite sensitive.

I'm getting divorced. Yeah. It's been very upsetting.

I don't know if you've ever been married,

but the pain is absolutely overwhelming.

- [ Intercom buzzes ] - And now I have...

Daniel: Apologies. Emergency.

- Do we see chickens? - Excuse me.

Only there's one been brought in, and from the injuries,

it looks like it's been trying to cross...

Do we -- see -- chickens?

I think we have sorted that problem.

Okay, right, you were saying?

Well, I suppose things haven't been right for a while.

I guess we stayed together for Rufus.

And now John wants to move on.

You -- You do know this is a vets?

- Yeah. - However much I'd like to

and you'd like to,

I am actually not legally allowed

to neuter your husband.

Well, I am sorry to have wasted your time.

[ Laughs ] So am I. I am very busy.

- [ Laughs ] - Oh!

Oh, God, no, I am rambling, sorry.

- Rufus is our dog. - I see.

He's all I've got left now.

And I am worried John is gonna take him from me, Sara!

Oh, God! [ Sobbing ]

He's taking me to court for custody.

He won't stop until I have nothing.

Did you have any provision in place?

Any kind of...pre-pup?

Pup-nup?

No, God, nothing like that.

John's got another woman in his life.

I don't know why he won't just let me keep my lovely boy!

[ Sobs ] No.

Alright, listen. So, what can I do?

Well, they say you're the best.

Do they? Who says that?

My friend Tara.

She said when she got divorced

you fought tooth and nail for her to keep Rioja.

- Rioja? - Her lizard.

Dry skin? Bulging eyes?

- Oh, that Tara! - Her lizard, Rioja.

Oh, that lizard. Yeah.

Yes, I just need someone to act

as an expert witness on my behalf.

All you'd need to do is come 'round to the house,

do a behavioral study on little Rufus,

and just to confirm that he's more bonded to me.

What I'm gonna do is get a form, okay,

and then we will fill that out and get some more details.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I do like your hair, Sara.

I can't get mine to lift like that.

What product do you use?

[ Chuckles ]

You two look like you're in a menopausal version

of "The Dukes of Hazzard."

You should be grateful that one of us

has actually passed their test.

Now, that's not fair, okay?

I wasn't expecting that clipboard to go down like that,

and I panicked.

You accelerated into a library. Fail.

- You finished with that? - No.

I like eating it to the core and leaving it in the open air,

and then playing "apple tanning salon."

How long does that take?

Depends on apple size, wind direction.

What are you doing?

What's today?

- Friday. - Yeah. Friday is...

The day before the night that's alright for fighting.

It's the day you're supposed to be going

for life coaching with Toria, do you remember?

You were supposed to go on Monday, but you cancelled.

I wouldn't mind, but we paid a lot of money for this.

I haven't paid anything yet.

Justine, just be quiet, watch your apple go brown.

- What's wrong with him? - He's in a very bad mood.

Some posh woman has been winding him up at work.

Vile little Sloane.

I mean, who cares about the exact dimensions

of a shoe cupboard?

- You? Yeah. - No. No.

Yeah!

Anyway, you'd love her.

What do you mean, I'd love her?

Come on, you adore those rich girls.

You're scared of them, but they excite you.

- Rubbish. - You're desperate to be in their gang.

Rubbish!

Anyway, look we're wasting time. Come on, get in.

You won't go and see Toria on your own, fine.

I shall have to treat you like a child. Get in!

I don't want to go.

- Are we nearly there yet? - [ Sighs ]

Now, listen, you have got five weeks

before you need to come out to your parents,

so we better crack on.

Now, a few things about me first.

I'm 42, GSOH, nonsmoker,

and I'm looking for a once-a-week, no-strings hook-up.

[ Laughs ]

Are you like this with all your clients?

Oh, absolutely! Absolutely.

What you need to know is I'm not a life coach.

I am a personal development leader.

I've got six degrees, and before you ask,

only five of them are from the Internet.

[ Laughs ]

And I've developed a program called A.H.E.L -- "A-HEL."

"A-HEL"? Right.

Yes, Acceptance, Health, Encouragement, Learning.

Do you think that acronym might work better

if it was H.E.A.L.?

Health through Encouragement, Acceptance, and Learning...

That is absolutely wonderful! Do you know it spells "heal"?

- I'll have that if I may. - Yes! Yeah, by all means.

[ Laughter ]

Now, I work through a variety of mediums.

A dollop of Jung,

a splash of cognitive behavioural therapy,

touch of shamanism, and some hypnosis.

Hypnosis? You can't be serious.

No, it's very, very effective.

Gets you nice deep and relaxed.

First patient I hynotised -- terrible phobia.

- Of what? - Paul McKenna.

[ Laughs ]

No, I thought we might do some suggestion work today.

So, if you just shut your eyes.

Right.

You are feeling sleepy.

Isn't that what got Snow White nicked?

Just relax your toes into the carpet,

through your feet, feeling heavy.

Up through the ankles. Heavy and relaxed.

So heavy...

[ Vocalising the Birdie Song and clapping rhythmically ]

What's happened to her? What have you done to her?

Nothing.

♪♪

She must have had some stage hypnosis in the past.

It hasn't left her system!

I don't know what the trigger is. I can't stop her.

Are you telling me she could be doing the Birdie Song

for the foreseeable future?

If they haven't set her on shuffle, yes.

[ Laughs ]

That's the routine.

I live pretty simply now I'm in recovery.

But you know, we muddle along.

I'm sorry, I just -- I had no idea.

Yeah. So, what now?

Now I just write up report, and we'll go from there, basically.

But it's pretty obvious

that Rufus is very devoted to you.

He's my whole world.

That boy is my whole world, Sara.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Is that an original?

My friend bought it for me.

He's in the film business.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

- Kip. - Kip?

Schwitzendorf! Aah!

Aah!

Don't know him.

Oh. Um, Dutch kung fu champion?

No? He was in "Raw Meat"?

"The Purge"? "The Assassinator"?

- Oh, "The Assassinator"? - Yes!

He's over to promote his new action movie.

Hey, why don't you and your friends

come along to his drinks night?

Oh, say yes, Sara.

It's the least I can do to say thank you for your time.

Well, that would be amazing. Thank you.

So, listen, don't panic if you see John out there.

He's come around to pick up his stuff from the garage.

I really hope he's not gonna be horrid.

Don't you worry. I am gonna channel some of Kip's moves.

[ Whooshing ]

Oh, that's it!

- [ Thud ] - Oh.

- [ Groans ] - Oh, God, Sara, I am so sorry.

Right in the cabbage.

[ Thuds ]

Bye.

John: Alright.

No, it's not too much.

I love you, so nothing is too much.

Yeah, I'll be round as soon as I can.

"M'lud, M'lady, and M'jury.

In my professional opinion,

this canis lupis..."

"Lupis" not "lucid."

Why are you autocorrecting that?

Lupis. Canis pubis isn't a word, right.

"This dog would be best suited to residing with Mrs. Julia..."

[ Intercom buzzes ]

Jamie: Hi. Your carriage awaits.

Yeah, you're early.

I thought I could clean your bath.

[ Laughs ] Victory.

Is that terrapin still in it?

Oh, God, well remembered. Listen, come up.

I think we are third in the league,

which means if we win today, Harriers lose,

we get to be runners-up, I think.

I'm not really interested in the scores.

I only watch 'cause I like the squeak the trainers make.

Why you wearing that gear?

- Why are you not? - Didn't you not get the e-mail?

Sorry, Justine, to be honest,

I haven't read your e-mails for months.

Why not?

[ Meowing ]

- No reason. - The other team pulled out.

Both their goal attacks got a stomach bug.

Daniel suggested we go on a team-bonding trip.

Daniel? Why's he involved?

Jamie: I don't know.

Whatever it is, he's taking it very seriously.

Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Okay! Listen up, soldiers!

You've been put into two different teams.

Your task is to capture your opponents' flag

whilst protecting your own.

Do you understand me?!

Together: Yes, sir!

There's no way I am wearing a camouflage boiler suit.

I can swap you with my netball kit if you want.

First team to wipe out the other wins!

He's not a real soldier.

You load your gun... like so.

For starters, look at his shoes. They're not properly shined.

And the way he's holding that weapon.

I don't think he's seen any real combat.

Can you shut up? I'm trying to listen to the safety briefing.

I need to know if I'm taking orders

from the real deal here.

Okay! Any questions?

Yes. Will it be this muddy out on the field?

There's mud everywhere, metrosexual.

Now lets get to it.

Lock and load, you urban muffins!

Come on, you maggots!

[ All screaming ]

Why are we going, "Aaaah!"?

I was copying Daniel.

We need to have our own battle cry, I think.

Ooh hoooooooo!

[ Ululating ]

Maybe not that. Um...

What the hell. [ Ululating ]

[ All ululating ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Dramatic military music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Who's left? - Just you and me.

What? Where's Stacey?

- No, she's gone. - Not another misfire?

Yeah, sorry, I just don't know how to work this thing.

Easy! Easy! Easy!

[ Gunshots ]

[ Bird squawks, thud ]

Right, I think they just got Jamie and Daniel left, and that's it.

They could be anywhere.

[ Southern accent ] I think I'm gonna sit out

the rest of this god-dang war.

You bet.

I've got biscuits. Do you want one?

Love one.

How much do you know about action movies?

- Everything. - Yeah?

I love them. Test me.

Do you know some guy called Kip?

- Kip Schwitzendorf? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. He's my favourite.

[ Laughs ] I've never heard of him.

Are you mad?

"Tank Baby," "Dark Crevice," "The Assassinator"?

Yeah, well, I know that now 'cause I looked him up.

He did "Blow off," "Massive Metal Trousers,"

- "Infinite Overkill." - Yeah

Oh, and my favourite -- "Busy Fist."

"Welcome to the fist."

"Busy Fist 2."

"This fist just got busier."

"Busy Fist 3."

"Same crew, even more fisty!"

How would you like to meet him?

Stop messing around.

If you're messing me around, I will kill you.

Lower your weapon, soldier. I kid you not.

- Aah! - Jamie: God's sake, this mud!

I would never have worn these trousers.

They're like blotting paper.

Should I put him out of his misery, or do you want to?

There are so many state-of-the-art

playing surfaces that...

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Please. For God's sake.

Look, this is a cashmere mix. No. No, have some me--

Oh, God.

[ Gunfire ]

[ Choir vocalising dramatically ]

♪♪

[ Both laugh ]

You bastards.

[ Gunshot ]

[ Gasping ]

Gaaaah!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Nooooooooo...

[ Inhales sharply ]

Nooooooooo!

[ Gags ]

[ Coughing ]

You alright? Right.

Gaaah!

[ Dramatic music continues ]

Come on, just do it! Paint me!

[ Schwarzenegger accent ] Consider yourself redecorated.

[ Gunshot echoes ]

I don't know.

I was facedown in the mud, remember?

Contemplating my dry-cleaning bill.

One minute she's fine, the next, crazy.

Maybe it was the shock of being shot.

I don't know. I just want it to stop.

[ Vocalising the Birdie Song ]

- What do we do? - Well, um...

We just need to find the trigger.

Sorry, what trigger?

Fire words at her until one of them works.

Meringue. Giblets.

Uh, Jeremy Hunt.

Trouser. Radiator.

- Atlantic. - Meerkat.

Genital cuff!

[ Horn honks ]

Sara!

- Hi! - You okay?

Have you been in a fight?

Oh. Oh, this? No, no.

I, um, just been throwing around a few paint swatches

with some friends, you know?

You know interior-design types, they can get very heated.

I was just dropping your invite round.

Hey, I'm off shopping. Do you fancy joining?

Yeah! No, I'd love to. That would, um...yeah.

Hop in!

♪♪

Oh, that was fun!

I'd love to do it again sometime.

- Yeah! Me too. - [ Laughs ]

Hey, um, I got you something.

Just to say thank you, you know, for everything.

Really, you shouldn't have.

Ahhhh!

Ahhh!

Really, you shouldn't have.

Wow, team that with a pair of combats

and a little bomber jacket, and that is hot.

Hey.

Hi, I'm Julia.

Sorry -- Julia, Eve. Eve, Julia.

Eve: Hi.

[ All sigh and chuckle ]

So, how do you two know each other, then?

Oh, we don't really,

but, um, I'm hoping to be civilly partnered to her

in the next fortnight, and then we can start

our care home for bullied cats.

- She's joking. - I'm not remotely joking.

She's joking. [ Laughs ]

Oh. [ Laughs ] That's lovely.

So how do you two know each other?

Oh, we've just met. Last week. Didn't we, Sara?

Ah, yes, we -- we did.

She's asked me to study her dog.

That's how it starts.

Well, you look busy so, um, I'll leave you to it.

Bye.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it. It's 'cause you love animals.

Yes! Sort of love-hate, you know?

Oh, it's just so you!

- Isn't it? - Raaah!

Raaah!

- Yes! - [ Laughs ]

- Hi, sorry I'm late. - Hello, this is...

Why are you dressed like a woman?

Julia.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. Is that him?

- Is that Kip? - Yeah.

Justine: Why isn't he wearing his uniform?

Because he's not really a Marine.

'Cause that was in a film.

Remember how we had that conversation

about films being different from real --

No, you don't remember.

Okay, remember that time you went up to Daniel Radcliffe

and you asked him for a game of quidditch

and bodyguards bundled us into the car?

I don't know why you insist on calling him Daniel Radcliffe.

His name is Harry.

Okay, nice.

I'm going in.

I should probably go and keep a close eye on her.

Her hands do tend to get a little bit wandery.

Hi. Sorry.

I spent the best part of a day

trying to get that paint from under my fingernails.

Why are you dressed like a prostitute?

Excuse me!

I have changed stylistic direction,

courtesy of my new friend.

Please tell me you are not pointing to the girl

with the pearl earrings.

- Yep. - That's her.

That's the irritating cow I've been dealing with at work.

How can you be friends with her? She's evil.

"I need a retrofitted recess in mother-of-pearl

for my nail varnish."

Haven't you heard of minimalism?!

- That doesn't sound like her at all. - Yes, well, it is, okay?

She's making a break from her husband

because he spends all his time with his sick mum.

She wants to find someone young and rich

who can spoil her.

You've so got the wrong person.

- I so haven't. - You so have.

- I so haven't. - You so have.

Why don't you go say hello to her?

- I'm going to. - Yeah.

Hi! Just been talking about you.

Hello!

Yeah, so I get up, I eat a pack of eggs

and maybe a protein shake.

Then I go and do bench press

and maybe pound the bags for a couple of hours.

- Then have a ham. - Wow.

If I'm in training, I might have maybe two ham.

Yeah, then a kilo of pasta,

and then I'm down to the swimming pool doing laps

to get the trapeziums nice and strong.

Then it's in the weight room for the rest of the day.

Let me tell you something --

when you lift 120, 130 pounds,

to me it is a truly spiritual experience.

120, 130 pounds? How much is that in animal?

I don't understand.

- Is it an otter? - I don't know what that is.

A large badger?

- It's about like a kangaroo. - Really?

Yeah, it's about a kangaroo. About exactly.

Do you think you could lift me?

Oh, yeah, easy. Easy, no problem.

- [ Laughs ] - Yeah.

You're -- I'd say you're slightly less than a kangaroo.

More like a snow leopard. Really?

Hey. Hi.

Hi. This is Kip.

He eats ham and he lifts kangaroos.

- Nice to see you. - Ah, a working girl.

Yeah, we have a lot of you in Amsterdam, where I live.

Yeah, it's legal there. It's better.

Yeah, I'm actually not a... I don't do that.

- Hey, can I get you a drink? - I'm not drinking, actually.

Okay. Hey, listen, I need a vodka milkshake.

And do you serve bacon? Okay.

- So why aren't you drinking? - I'm in solidarity with Julia.

- She's... - [ Laughter ]

Julia, she drinks like a fish.

No, she doesn't, 'cause she's in recovery.

Oh, yeah, no, recovery certainly -- for shoplifting.

Yeah, it's an addiction.

She can't go into a shop and not take something home with her.

Pretty sad.

[ Toilet flushing ]

[ Door opens ]

- [ Woman laughs ] - Julia: Oh, God, I need another drink after that.

I couldn't talk to her without laughing.

It's like looking at one of the Proclaimers in drag.

Julia: One more day of playing best mates,

then I can get shot of her.

You've only had to hang with her a few days.

I had six weeks.

- Six weeks! - Eww.

I don't know why you want that stinky-poo dog anyway.

He's only going to moult all over your new flat.

That's why I got a lizard.

Julia: I don't want him.

I just don't want John to have him.

Poor, little sad John. Ooh.

Thanks for the dress. Where did you get it?

- Ah, I just picked it up. - I love it.

Julia: Right. Back to it, girls.

What's up? You okay?

Yeah. I'm just an idiot, that's all.

I'm just a total and utter idiot.

I didn't see the signs.

When I went to the house,

I noticed that Julia had brown dust in the palm of her hand

consistent with dry dog-food residue,

which was also on the outside left of her jacket pocket,

which means that's where the dog treats must have been kept

and why Rufus was sitting so obediently just next to her.

As I left the house,

I noticed that John had a bulging pocket to his right,

and damp was coming through,

as if something recently wet had been put inside,

like a used handkerchief.

He was turning his face away

not because he was trying to hide an infidelity,

but because he was embarrassed by his tears.

He was talking loudly on the phone,

which means he either a very bad line

or was talking to an elderly relative.

The fact that the phone was brand new and top end

leads me to believe it was the latter.

The senior in question most probably his mother,

seeing as he was gentle

and moderated his vocabulary on the phone.

The trouser fibres just above his knee

were flattened in a straight line,

indicating a pressure point

consistent with that of a wheelchair

serial number 4567290,

the type favoured by the male with Aries rising.

Down a little. Just to the left of his calf.

The presence of three different types of dog hair,

tricoloured, and also the slight tang of an ear mite,

indicating a long ear canal consistent with a basset hound.

Rufus.

Which means of course

that he is the primary carer and not Julia.

No shit, Sherlock.

Do you know I have no idea what you're talking about,

but damn you are good.

I really don't know what to do.

You know what you've got to do?

You've go to do the most awful thing imaginable.

- Kill her? - No, no, no.

You've got to do the right thing.

You got to tell the court the truth.

Is this your friend?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

She was fun, but now she's gone weird.

Listen, I'd love to stay, but I'm hypoglycemic.

So I need to eat a turkey and punch somebody

or I'm going to explode.

- Wow. - Okay?

[ The Birdie Song playing ]

Oh, God, here we go.

- Uh, Peter Purves. - Trousers.

- Sara: Sausages. - Snap out of it.

- Sara: Toast! - Hedgerows.

Sara: I'm tired now!

- Lakeside. - What's wrong with you?

- Shopping centre. - Psychiatry.

- Thurrock. - They have injections.

- Jamie: M25. - Big fat bum.

Jamie: House boat.

- Pork chops! - Aeroplane.

She's out.

- She's out. Ohh! - Justine: Pork chops!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪