Original subtitles

So the next thing we know, my friend Tamsin

realises she's late for the school run,

screeches off and clips him with the front wheel of her new car.

On the plus side, it is a Prius,

so, this accident's had a small carbon footprint.

Okay, and how was he at this point?

Really shocked, really shaky

so I gave him three drops of rescue remedy and a Pulsatilla.

Pulsatilla?

Anyway, then he started having these fits.

It was terrible. I thought his head was going to fall off.

Well, I immediately thought Thuya Occidentalis.

- Thuya? - You don't think Thuya?

I don't think Thuya's going to

stop a cat's head falling off, no.

No, no, silly Dorcas.

You'd need a snake venom for that.

Well, anyway, things got much, much worse.

He started foaming at the mouth

and making a rattling noise, like this.

Ah, ahhhh!

Yeah, that last one is definitely a signal.

It's very clear from looking at.

- Mosley. - Mosley.

That he's very poorly, isn't he?

Not a lot of quality of life there is there?

- Oh, God, no. No. - Poor thing.

So I think you it's time you said goodbye.

Oh. Well, is there anything we can do?

There really isn't.

Not when the head's gone.

It's hard to put it in lay speak but.

Australian Bush tincture?

- No. - I hear Arnica's very good.

It is, yes, for a small bruise.

But as I said he's, um.

Oh, poor thing.

Well, listen, there's two injections.

One is a very small injection. It's the muscle relaxant,

and then the next is a slightly larger needle

that is going to put him to sleep, okay?

Okay, he's not going to feel anything at all.

- I've changed my mind. - Sorry?

I've changed my mind. I'd like to take him home please.

But I've given him the muscle relaxant.

Well, then, I'll take him home relaxed.

When we vets say relaxed, what we really mean is

permanently relaxed.

Well, he only likes to sit on the sofa, it's not a problem.

The thing is.

I could take him to work with me.

- I don't think you understand. - He'd like that.

Your not listening to me. I could pop him under the desk.

No, I could put him under the desk --

Your cat is essentially a windsock.

I'll sort it for you I promise.

It's the least you can do, given the mess you've made!

You've killed Mosley.

Oh, God.

Slight communication issue with Mrs. Waterson Daniel.

I thought she would never shut up.

I need her cat cremated by 5:00 tomorrow if that's okay?

- Alright, but. - No buts, Daniel.

I'm the head vet, remember?

That means I get the "glory animals", cats, dogs.

A unicorn that needs worming? I'll take that.

And that means you get.

Anything that smells, anything that's old,

and anything that looks violent.

Yeah. And?

- And I do the nuking. - It's Cremating Daniel.

We cremate our clients' beloved pets.

What did I tell you?

When you're having sex with a lady,

it's polite to work from front to back.

About cremating Daniel.

Oh, um, don't cut corners by using gravy granules.

- Yep. - Don't play "Light my Fire"

in Reception, don't bellow the phrase

"Time to crisp up kitty" in front of the owner.

That last bit is very important, yep.

- So, tomorrow. - Yep.

- June 14th. - Yes, it is.

Battle of Naseby?

We're recreating it in the park,

and I get to be Sir Thomas Fairfax.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

I've managed to get a real sword, too.

Don't ask. Which is great 'cause

I'm up against that little turd Simon

who works in the co-op.

Remember him?

I told you about him he got me in a neck lock

when we did the Battle of Stamford Bridge.

He's going like that. So this is payback I'm telling you.

I wrote it down in the diary anyway.

- Look. - Great.

Oh, and what else is in the diary tomorrow?

- Yeah. - Yeah, your birthday.

- Yeah. - ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- That's not necessary. - ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, cat killer ♪

I honestly I did not kill that cat.

♪ Happy Birthday, she killed a cat ♪

Hi. It's me. Are you alright?

Am I interrupting anything?

Great, no, that's great. Okay.

Sorry, its just a really bad line.

Yeah.

Better now. Listen, so sorry I haven't called.

I've been away working.

Just on an executive conference you know.

Really dull.

You remember that night you made me go cross eyed?

Quite keen to repeat that.

Well, why don't you come by?

There's key under the mat because I lock myself out.

- Hello? - [ Dog barks ]

Fredo, off! Fredo, off!

- Hi. - Hi.

He's going nuts. What you got in there?

Pork chops.

Very nervous flyer, so I like to keep them in my hand luggage

like a lucky charm. Do you want a drink?

Just water. Thirsty after the gig.

Right. Who was playing?

I dunno. Someone Scandinavian.

They totally broke it up. They're like so cool.

It was kind of a mixture between Norwegian post-rock

and Swedish ambient.

But mellow, folky, chilled. They were totally deck.

Yeah, sounds really deck. Would you like a yoghurt?

Go on. Have a yoghurt.

I'm defiantly in the mood for a yoghurt.

- No, thank you. - Well, I tell you what,

I'm going to leave a couple of multipack's out for you,

just in case you feel the calcium burn.

Stop it.

[ Dog barking ]

- We had a plan, right? - Yes.

I'm very keen to stick to that plan.

Voice: Please leave your message after the tone.

Woman: Happy birthday Sara, Are you there?

Work. Sorry. I wont be long.

We got an e-mail this morning from a lovely Nigerian,

saying we've won the lottery in Lagos,

and we just need to send an admin fee of 250 pounds.

You know I'm a stickler for paperwork,

Man: We posted the cheque.

Woman: So we sorted it first thing this morning.

- Hi mum. - Oh, you are there.

Hello, darling. Happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, love. - Did you hear that?

- Yeah. - So 40 .

Gosh. I remember when you were a baby.

Such a long time ago.

Isn't it?

You had one ear that stuck out

and I was worried it was going to stay that way.

Well, it did stay that way

but I've got hair now so it's partially hidden.

I don't like to think of you on your own.

- I worry, don't I, Donald? - She worries, yes.

I don't like to think of you alone.

Actually, I have met someone.

Well, I won't pry. What's their name?

Michel. He's a French person. He's a salesman

for a medical company.

What sort of things does he sell?

Legs. Mainly legs. Artificial legs.

Oh, well, that's useful, isn't it?

- Very, yeah. - Everyone needs legs.

Yep. Don't they.

Listen, your Dad and I are thinking of coming down.

Because it's been a long time since we visited

and there's a restaurant I want to take you to.

They tell you the name of the specific cow

you're eating and they show you a video

of highlights from its life while you're tucking in.

So maybe all four of us could go there?

Four? Oh. Oh, yeah. That would be great.

Well, what about the weekend of the 23rd?

Oh, no, can't do that.

Because he's away at a withered limb conference.

Well, what about a week later?

No, just looking now. No good, he's playing petanque.

So a week after that? That's six weeks from now.

You can't be booked up that far in advance?

That's fine. I'll put it in.

Alright, the 6th. Don't forget.

- No, I won't forget. - Have a lovely birthday.

Oh, Pamela told me about the latest scam in the city.

These Yardie's, they flash their headlights at you,

and if you flash them back, they come and kill you.

- I'll bear that in mind. - Please do.

- Alright, darling, bye. - Bye, Mum.

Sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but it was kinda blaring.

Why did you tell her you had a boyfriend?

And 40? You said 32.

I never thought you'd believe me.

I should have known. You tap your feet to music.

And you invite someone around for sex

and then offer them yoghurt?

Osteoporosis is really on the rise so.

This is a deeply uncool situation.

I mean I'm embarrassed.

I'll see ya.

[ Buzzer ]

Man: Hello. Happy Birthday.

More importantly, I've got a new carpet so shoes off

when you come in. Oh, and leave the dog outside.

Thank you.

Are you taking your shoes off?

Yes!

And mind the paintwork, it's freshly done.

Ooh, its nice, isn't it? What is it?

- Elephant's breath? - It's clown's ejaculant.

Ah, very posh.

Careful over the marble floor its just been polished.

Luckily enough I walk very like this so natural buffing action.

Actually you might scratch it.

You have all of the fastidiousness of a gay man

with none of the redeeming qualities.

- Happy Birthday. - Thank you.

So come on. What's up?

Please try and make it something new.

I don't have the energy

to feign interest in the same old crap.

What do you mean?

The aging process, your commitment phobia,

whether to botox your frown line.

Let me stop you right there. It is the same old crap.

I feel this shame, Jamie, all the time.

It's like ivy creeping around me.

And I'm just worried that if I peel it off

there'll be nothing left underneath.

[ Groans ]

- What? - Sorry.

Just wondering at what point it wouldn't be too rude interject

and to ask you to get your feet off the table.

Maybe I'll lug my existential angst over to someone

who's had sex with something other

than a watermelon this side of the millennium.

She's not a watermelon. She's a honeydew.

Her name is Patricia, and we're very much in love.

It was here. I'm sure I parked it here.

Zut alors! Nous avons perdu la voiture.

- What? - What?

- Do you speak French? - No.

Parlez-vous franais?

- Non. - Very good. You see.

You're picking it up already.

And the reason for the question is?

Qu'est ce que c'est le probleme?

You know you're now getting to be nearly fluent.

Right, next thing I need to know is,

do you have a working knowledge of the human skeleton,

with a particular fondness for 'jambes'?

Okay, you have five seconds to tell me what's going on

before I scream into your sticking-out ear.

- Oh, my sticking out ear? - Yes.

Well, my mum phoned and she's coming down to visit.

That's fantastic. It'll be nice to finally meet her.

And I told her that I had a boyfriend.

And he was French.

And sold legs.

I don't know what came over me either but I was very stressed.

I was in a panic situation and I reacted the best way I could.

It's only for one night.

Just to get the old girl off my case.

Come on. Please? S'il vous plait?

You know, I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh, God, I forgot he was coming.

Is it wrong to want to shave a dog?

- Yes, its extremely wrong. - I've just had the car valeted.

- What's in the bag? - Work stuff.

I need to drop it off en route if that's okay.

Yeah, sure. What about electrolysis?

Do they do that for dogs?

Stop trying to make my animal bald.

Here's your present.

Already I know it's not the lamp that I asked for.

- Oh, God, it's started. - What's started?

The enforced fun.

Oh, no, the enforced fun doesn't start until later.

This is the statutory embarrassing build-up

before the enforced fun.

Talking of which, come over to mine for dinner.

- Seven o'clock sharp. - Right and that's dinner, yes?

It's not some surprise. You know I hate surprises.

You know I have a drugs cabinet.

Just open up and give you myxomatosis

of the nuts.

It's a risk I am willing to take.

Sara: How could you? How do you think I feel?

Do you think I wanted to spend a landmark birthday careering

around an industrial estate with a liquifying tabby on my lap?

Jamie: Get out! Get out!

Hi. Wonder if you could help me.

I run the Parker Lane Surgery,

and I really need to get this cat --

- Welcome. - Thank you.

Welcome to the Green Valley Place of Rest for Dogs, Cats

and other Companion Animals.

May I say how very sorry I am.

Oh, God, don't worry. It's not my cat!

Then I am sorry for the owner's loss

And at the same time saddened they were too disengaged

to make this final trip themselves.

Please, take a seat.

I'll give you our brochures to look at.

We have the full range of commemorative plaques

and statuary, including a limited edition

Gilbert and George headstone

made entirely from injection-moulded pet dung.

Actually I'm in a bit of a rush.

Yes, I can see. A birthday. How awful to spoil it.

Why not stuff the corpse into a bag

and dump it en route to the nearest nightclub.

It's not like that.

The owner wants the cat's ashes as soon as possible, like today.

Or while I wait.

We are not a drive through crematorium, Madam.

We don't do takeaways.

Here we take care and consideration.

We hand cremate. We emote. We pray.

Right, oh, that's good --

So when you suggest I casually incinerate this feline,

you not only insult the memory of the beloved creature itself,

but you insult the care and attention

that we at Green Valleys customarily lavish

upon the deceased.

Could we compromise and say if I leave him here,

you'll have him burnt by 5:00?

Only two types of people wear bibs.

Toddlers and you lot. That's all I'm saying.

But the skirts are hot.

There is nothing hot about the nylon pleated mini, Justine.

Under 25, it's pervy wrong, and over 25, it's just wrong wrong.

I look like a post breakdown Britney in this outfit.

What are you doing?

Taking on fluids, fuelling my body-getting into the zone.

I am focused.

Now excuse me, I need to concentrate on my mantra.

[ Whistle blows ]

Does the vending machine still do fags?

They've got Mrs. Tiggywinkle's as goal shooter.

That's Toria.

Seems to be some kind of inner city asthmatic hakka.

Who's Toria?

Just an acquaintance.

Oh, really?

Is that some sort of sexual frisson I'm picking up on?

- No - Yes, it is. You're going red!

- Shut up, will you? - You're blushing

Look at you, the Don Juan of netball.

- What's netball? - This is netball.

Is it? I thought this was basketball.

Weren't you expecting the ball to bounce

at least once in the last five years.

I dunno. I assumed you just weren't very good at it.

♪ Uh-huh, this my shit ♪

♪ All the girls stomp your feet like this ♪

♪ A few times I've been around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that ♪

Yeah!

Three second rule!

Soon it'll be over. Soon it'll be over.

♪ A few times I've been around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

- Referee? - Red card.

You are going to have a lot of trouble trying

to get out of this one.

Alright, I'm going. you're doing me a favour, okay,

because I don't want to spend my weekends playing catch

with a load of big-titted children.

[ Laughing ]

- Oh, did she mean us? - Alright. I'm going!

Yes, it's me, back again.

Just forgot my bag and my dog.

Thank you.

And yes, very aware of

how embarrassing that is on every level.

So goodbye.

Excuse me.

Stay there, stay there.

Didn't you see the signs? Dogs on leads!

They've been fencing this area with barbed wire all week.

But no, why do that when you can let it run riot.

It's so inconsiderate of you.

- It's not my dog, love. - Oh. So sorry.

God, is he alright?

Well, no, actually, he's not alright.

He's...

fine considering.

Did you sort him out? Thank you so much.

Its okay, really. I was just on my way to work.

Oh, right.

Do you normally work in the woods?

Yes, I'm an apprentice elf.

I see. Okay, so when do you get the hat?

You are very elf savvy, aren't you?

Okay, well, why off that yet.

Of course because that's Fairy Key Stage 3.

- Yeah. - And what about the ears?

About 6 months off that.

I'm assuming, as an elf you work in something craft-based.

We are actually trying to move away from that stereotype.

- So I'm an executive. - An Executive?!

What?

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

It needs to have another word with it, like,

accounts or sales or advertising?

Although I very much doubt it, dressed like that.

- Vet. - An executive vet?

Yes. We're the most elite type of vet actually.

- Are you embarrassed? - A bit embarrassed, yeah.

- Why? - I dunno.

Suppose people think vets spend all day every day

with your fist up an animal's arse,

and to be honest that's only 95% of the job.

Well, that doesn't frighten me.

- Hi. I'm Eve. - Sara.

Thank you for looking after my dog.

You're welcome.

Right, well, I'm actually in a bit of a rush.

Is he gonna be okay?

Or should I need to get him checked out?

You should, yes. Definitely get him checked out.

Maybe book an appointment as soon as possible.

He's probably going to need antibiotic's,

anti-inflammatories, painkillers, MRI,

CT scans, ultrasounds.

Basically what I'm saying is you could be seeing an quite a lot

of this net balling elf vet.

You mean executive net balling elf vet.

- Yeah. - Well, have you got a card.

I could bring him by your surgery in the morning?

I have I think somewhere, here. Here you go.

Thank you.

You don't do eye contact do you?

- Not if I can help it, no. - Well, you should try it.

You'd be amazed what you might learn.

Do you want to come to a party?

- I'm sorry. Are you twelve? - No, I just dress like it.

It's a surprise.

- For who? - Well, for me actually.

The surprise is how good I am at acting surprised

when everyone jumps out and says surprise.

Okay.

Shall I surprise you by just magically knowing

- the time and place? - Yeah, why don't you do that.

Okay. I shall consider it a challenge.

See ya.

Justine.

Stop what you're doing and listen to me.

I can't stop anything, because I'm not doing anything.

Well, this party that you're not organising.

This is a trap, isn't it. They said you'd do this.

I want to make sure there will be none of the following --

jugglers, poets, clowns, strippers, gorilla-grams,

chocolate fountains, anything on stilts.

Oh, and Justine, no balloons.

[ Buzzer ]

- You are late. - Listen, you need to let me in,

I've locked myself out and I have news.

- Come on, let me in. - No.

Jamie?

Surprise!

Oh, Gosh. I really don't know what to say.

Nice to see you made an effort.

Eat. Drink. Don't spill.

Thank you.

What's she doing here?

I dunno. She came with one of Justine's mates.

Do you know her?

Sort of. On the surface.

- Hello, soldier. - Hey, alright.

Did you win?

You don't tend to change the result

when you re-enact battles, so yes.

- What's with the head? - Pike to the forehead.

Schoolboy error that. Patched it up at work.

Well, what about Simon?

Oh, yeah, I think I managed to break his nose

during a hand-to-hand skirmish.

I got this rock, right, and I smashed

his face in like that.

So I reckon we're even now.

I'm going to get a drink.

I thought a soldier never retreated.

- Hi. - Hi.

Listen, I just wanted to apologise about earlier.

It's none of my business.

It's none of my business what you tell your mum.

Actually, you were right.

Oh I took your key by mistake, sorry about that.

Surprise!

Wow. You're here. You're here.

We're all here. Great. Eve meet Clara.

- Chiara. - That, as well.

So how do you two know each other?

Well, we just met really.

Your friend Daniel was telling me

how you can geld a tortoise one-handed.

- Yep - Wow.

That's a party trick. I could geld him right now.

Alright, Eve. She popped by work

to pick up some ear cleaner and some poo bags.

I told her where the party was.

Alright there. Oh, I see.

I've made this sex triangle into an awkward square.

Fredo, Fredo, no! This is a new carpet!

It's a new carpet!

Sara, is that the cat you killed?

- Yep. - I thought you said

- you'd deal with it? - I tried to, didn't I?

But it was very difficult.

So who's going to have to speak to the owner tomorrow,

That's me, isn't it?

Thanks thank you very much. Cheers for that.

Why is there a dead cat in your bag?

Oh, I like to use it to swing around a room

to see how big it is.

Why is there a dead cat in your bag?

She's an Executive, they do that kind of thing all the time.

That word doesn't mean anything. Executive what?

- Vet. - A vet?

Then why would you tell me you're some globe-trotting

advertising guru?

Oh, so I might answer your late-night

bootie calls a little faster? Because I'm that shallow?

Well, do you know what, next time you fancy a brief,

and, might I say, deeply unrewarding shag.

- I was very tired. - Call someone else.

Well, this is turning into quite a surprise party, isn't it?

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a party so much.

I'm going for a fag. Do you want to come?

I just need the colour in my face

to dip from Sir Alex Ferguson to just a normal raspberry.

Shush, shush. Everyone, shut up.

Sara, we have some things we'd like to say to you.

Justine! You've missed a bit! There's a piece of paw.

I'm not very good at improvising so I've written things down.

Sara, you are smug, intellectually insecure,

messy, and a nightmare girlfriend.

Great speech.

But you are also, and it pains me to say it, loveable.

And because we love you, we want you to be happy.

So, with that in mind,

we've all clubbed together to get you a mystery gift.

Oooh, this is my bit!

First, you need to pop this blindfold on you.

Now, arms out and follow me.

Am I warm?

Surprise!

Surprise! What's the surprise?

- What is she doing here? - You remember Toria.

Toria's a lifestyle coach.

Personal enhancement coordinator.

And she is your present from all of us.

You're going to work with her for the next five weeks

and she is going to do everything in her power,

whether it's workshops, group counselling.

Drum therapy.

You said you wouldn't mention that.

Everything so that that when your parents come to visit

you're going to look them in the eye

and tell them that you are a big, old gay.

Very good, very good. This is a joke.

- Yes? - No.

And if the time comes and you still can't do it,

Toria has been instructed to do it on your behalf.

Hello, Angela. Sara is a big --

If you want my advice, you'll go with the first option.

- Far less painful. - You are going to out me

to my mother? What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

You'd rather have a friend speak French

and pretend to be your boyfriend than tell the truth.

You're so scared of who you are you

don't even like telling people you're from Streatham

- I'm not from Streatham. - You see!

Look, outside is this incredible girl.

- There's always a girl. - This one's different.

Different. And you're always the same.

That's the trouble, do you not see that?

I just need time on my own and then I will do it.

- I don't need her, okay? - I'm sorry.

We wanted to get you something that would change your life.

This is it. Be free. Be happy for once.

Thank God for you. You're the only other woman here

in fancy dress.

What is it? Post breakdown Britney?

Now I know we didn't get off on the best footing,

which is a ruddy shame because I'm an awful lot of fun

and crazy with a capital 'B'.

[ Laughs ]

So come on, come on, give us a big, breasty cuddle.

- No, no, I don't want -- - Come on.

That's it. Rock and cradle, rock and cradle.

Sara: But I only wanted a lamp!