Original subtitles

- From NPR News in Washington, I'm Rob Westerfield

with these top stories at the bottom of the hour.

An irrepressible website that went viral over

the Christmas weekend is causing considerable

consternation in governments around the globe.

The site streams an unflinching live

up-skirt view of a woman's genitals

as she goes about her daily activities.

Even the United States has been unsuccessful

in shutting it down.

To gain more insight into this breaking story

we have our Pentagon correspondent Chandra Mitterandra

on the line.

Good morning, Chandra.

- Good morning, Rob.

- So what's the Pentagon's position on gamcamgrrl.com?

- Several sources I've talked to fear

this untraceable website could be the opening salvo

of a foreign Cyber attack on the U.S.

to probe and possibly even penetrate

our digital defenses.

- But both China and Russia...

- My alarm didn't go off.

- I'm going to make dumplings tonight.

Your favorite.

- Mmm.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be back at five. - Okay, okay.

- Therefore should have the ability

to pull the plug on it.

- I brought that up to Thomasine Woodley earlier...

- Hungry Lice.

- Level three.

- I see you're reading about the Gam Cam Grrl.

- Oh, I just, uh, couldn't help but read it,

right there on the front page staring me

right in the, Face!

Wow.

That's it?

That's what it looks like?

- Don't tell me you've never seen one

of these before?

- Yeah, of course, but not on someone's phone like that.

- Come on, you never did any sexting in high school?

- Uh, no, I never did.

- What's that thing on your leg?

- What, what thing?

- That thing on your ankle?

That's not an up-skirt camera is it?

- No. - If it is,

I'm really gonna be pissed.

- No.

It's a GPS tracking device.

I have to wear it for the next three years

while I'm on parole.

- Parole?

- Yeah, I just got out of prison about a month ago.

Right before Thanksgiving.

- What were you in prison for?

- Bank robbery.

I know it sounds bad but it wasn't like I walked

up to the teller window with a gun or anything.

- Game over!

- She took a shower yesterday

but she was wearing a mask.

Gloves too.

She's always wearing gloves when her hand

gets anywhere near the proscenium.

Speak of the devil.

- She's waking the wombat again.

- Same time as yesterday.

- Something wrong with the monitor?

- No.

No, it's on.

It's just a short in her lighting system.

- No, this is definitely deliberate.

She's flashing the lights on and off in Morse Code.

- The 14 numbers displayed in Morse Code

match the Bureau of Prisons ID number and release date

for inmate Shane Mathias Antar.

Recently released on parole

from the Federal Penitentiary at Victorville.

He currently lives with his mother in the Palms area

of Los Angeles.

Notify the L.A. office I'm on the next flight out.

- 21 violations of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.

He hacked the Bank of Western Ems Levee in Germany.

Made off with almost 10 million euros.

- And he gave all that money away to charities

I remember that.

He was a sort of a folk hero in the hacking community

for a while.

The Robin Hood of the Internet, they called him.

- His father was an American citizen.

Taught English at Shanghai U.

Shane's mother was one of his students.

She was 19 when they got married, moved back to Los Angeles

where Shane was born in 1989.

- I just tapped into the GPS on Shane's ankle monitor.

He's near the corner of Hill and Third.

A business called Greater Prose Groceries and Books.

- Yeah, but Fool, what'd you expect her to do

when you told her you were a bank robber though?

- I thought she'd appreciate honesty.

- There he is on Aisle T.

Do we have audio yet?

- Trying to hack into his phone mic now.

- I see the terms of his parole prohibit him

from using any devices with internet access.

So that's why he's got any old flip phone.

- I just broke into his phone.

It was not easy, believe me.

- Dude, it's part of the mating ritual.

You have to fluff up your fricken feathers

like the peacocks do.

You can't let 'em think

that you're some run-a-the-mill turkey out in the barnyard

trying to get some tail.

- Where's the tarragon?

- All spices are on Aisle S,

between Sense and Sensibility

and Stranger In A Strange Land.

- Thanks. - Welcome.

Hey.

Hey, fool.

When's the last time you got any?

- Seven years.

- Damn!

My bad.

- It was the night before I went in.

Debra.

My last girlfriend in college.

- Fool, you have to learn how to lie

if you wanna get laid.

No girl is gonna hook up with some guy

that just got out of the slammer.

Especially one that's bagging groceries

for $10 an hour.

- I'm not looking for a one-night stand.

I want a real relationship.

- Yeah, good luck with that.

- Oh, gotta love those Greater Prose salads.

Is that a Sunflower Serenade?

- No, it's Arugula Quinoa Tango.

- Oh, that's a good one too.

Hey.

I'm Karol.

- Shane.

- Pleasure meeting you, Shane.

So you, uh, you work at Greater Prose?

- Yeah.

Uh, part-time.

I'm finishing up my doctorate at UCLA.

- Sounds like he's taking his buddy's

advice and feeding her a load of bull.

- Either that or they're talking in code.

- FBI has boots on the ground for remote visual.

- Getting facial recognition

on the contact now.

I've got a match.

Caroline Miriam Angelikis.

29 years old.

Aspiring stand-up comic.

Presently unemployed.

- Do you ever go to comedy clubs?

- No.

Sounds like fun though.

- Well that's great you said that

because I'm doing a five minute spot

at the Mata Hari tonight, tomorrow night and Thursday.

I've been doing Sunday open mics

there for years and this is the first time they've given

me an actual time slot that I can put on cards

so I can give them to people to come out.

I really need a good turn-out.

8:00 p.m.

I'll be there.

- Great, awesome!

Okay, thanks so much, I'll see you then.

And bring as many friends as you can!

Like a lot.

A lot of friends and people.

Mom, dog, parents, grandparents.

- Hungry Lice.

- Hi.

Oh, I see you're playing Hungry Lice.

What level are you at?

- Level Seven.

- Cool.

I'm at level eight.

Speaking of eight, I'm doing a show tonight

at The Mata Hari, at 8:00.

- I don't do comedy.

- Well, why don't you give it to somebody who does.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the hungry lice bite.

- Game over!

- Hey, Mom!

- They're speaking Mandarin.

- I knew a major player like China

had to be behind something as sophisticated as this.

- I wonder how you say proscenium in Chinese?

- Let's give a warm, Mata Hari Club welcome

for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!

- Thank you, Harold.

And I wanna thank all of you for coming out tonight.

All six of you.

Well, all seven if you include the waitress.

Uh, and while I'm thanking everybody

for coming I wanna call out a special thanks to you, Harold,

for not coming in my mouth last night.

Um, any L.G.B.T. folks in the audience tonight?

Come on, come on, don't be shy.

Be proud!

Yeah, you!

Which letter are you?

I mean, you're obviously not an L

so you're either a G, B or T, so which one is it?

- G. - G!

Gee whiz, I would have never guessed.

I mean, it's so hard to tell what anybody is now

these days with all the letters going around,

it's like you walk into a singles bar

and it's like diving into a bowl of alphabet soup.

It's not even LGBT anymore,

now it's LGBTQ.

And some people take it even further and say

it's LGBTQAI.

I mean at this rate in another year

or so we're gonna sing the entire fucking Alphabet Song

just to get somebody's sexual preference.

But for brevity's sake, since I only have like

five minutes up here or something, uh,

we'll just stick with LGBTQ, shall we?

Hey, Mister Gee, do you know what the Q stands for in LGBTQ?

- Queer or questioning.

- Queer or questioning.

There's some irony here, folks.

Here I am, questioning a gay guy about queer or questioning,

so therefore I must qualify

as a Q because of the mere fact that I am

asking a question.

So, thank you, Mr. G,

for clarifying my sexual orientation.

I have now officially joined the LGBTQ

community because I am, in fact,

a Q because I'm questioning

what the fuck the letter Q means.

Am I making myself perfectly queer?

Hey!

What?

What the, I, five, what?

You can't give me my cut-off cue already!

Boy, five minutes flies by fast

when you're on stage having fun, doesn't it folks?

You know, maybe I should have let the M.C.

come in my mouth last night so I can slide

an extra minute on my routine.

But the point I was trying to make,

and I had this whole monologue prepared to say it,

is that we're, we're all part of the LGBTQ community

because we're all questioning, we're all Q's.

Even this cute little Asian guy over here.

Hey, Mr. LGBTQ, what kind of sandwich

are you eating?

- A BLT.

- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen!

- Let's hear it for Miss Karol Angelikis.

- That's Karol with a K.

- Okay.

We'll have, uh, Tommy Miller up in five minutes

so you guys stick around.

- Did you get the BLT line?

- No, that gay guy's head was in the way.

- Oh!

Sam, wasn't it?

- Shane.

- Oh yeah, Shane.

Um, Shane, honey, I need you to come over

to my apartment and bring the rest of this sandwich.

Hey, can we get a doggie-bag over here?

- A BLT? - Uh, like one more time

but with a little bit more emotion.

- A BLT.

- Uh, no, let's try it one more time:

what kind of sandwich are you eating over there, Mr. LGBTQ?

- A BLT.

- Uh, a little less forced.

- A BLT.

- And, cut.

That's a wrap.

- Okay, I'll have this edited in and up

on YouTube in about a half an hour.

- Thank you so much for doing this, Shane.

You are such a doll.

- No biggie.

Glad I could help.

- Uh, can I get you anything to drink?

You want, like, a rum 'n coke?

- Uh, you have any orange juice?

- Yes, I do, in fact.

I have now officially joined the LGBTQ community

because I am, in fact, a Q because I'm questioning

what the fuck the letter Q means.

I make a pretty bad-ass screwdriver.

Am I making myself perfectly queer?

Hey, Lulu, um, didn't you say

that you have some editing software back at home

on your home computer that you could use?

- It really doesn't matter, I um...

Oh, you know, yeah,

I have some better software at home.

Um, I'll see you tomorrow.

Nice meeting you, Shane.

- Oh, bye, Lulu. - Bye.

- So you wanna screwdriver, Shane?

- Uh, to be honest, I never really liked

the taste of vodka.

- Then why don't we cut to the fucking chase then.

- What the fuck is this thing?

- It's, it's, uh, part of my study for my PhD.

- What?

- It it, it measures my pulse rate.

- Uh, well, your pulse rate

is about to go through the fucking roof, Buddy.

Okay, my yoga pants are entangled in this.

Can we undo this thing?

Can we take it off? - No, no, no, I can't.

It would, uh, ruin the study.

It, it has to stay on 24/7

or it leaves a gap in the data.

- Fuck!

- LAPD. - This is DOC Officer Daniels

reporting a GPS disable attempt in progress.

- Finally!

Why is your ankle monitor blinking?

- I don't know.

It's never done that before.

- Does this mean your pulse rate is rising?

- That and a few other things.

- I like it when a guy goes down on me first.

- Well, tonight's your lucky night.

- Yeah, baby, show me what you've got.

- LAPD!

Open up!

- Yeah.

That's it!

That's it!

Oh!

Oh my God!

Yes!

Oh!

- LAPD!

Open the door!

- Yeah that's it!

Oh, right there!

- Oh, what the fuck?

- LAPD!

Keep your hands in the air!

- You have no right to barge in like this!

- Shane Mathias Antar?

- Yes.

- You're under arrest for parole violation.

- Parole?

- Tampering with your GPS device.

Put your pants on, Kid.

- You said that your GPS was for your PHD project.

Yeah, yeah, pulse rate, my ass!

- I'm sorry, Karol.

I lied.

I spent the last seven years in prison for bank robbery.

- Oh, uh-huh.

Bank robbery.

What's it gonna be next, you know,

my last ex-boyfriend was a car thief.

Who's it gonna be now?

An ax murderer?

- Turn around and put your hands behind your back.

Excuse me, hey!

Where are you going?

- Mm, there.

- What is your name?

- Karol. - Karol what?

- Angelikis.

- Do you have any ID, Karol Angelikis?

- Oh my God, I cannot believe this.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Ow! - Hey!

You can't go fishing in my underwear like that!

- I'm searching for weapons.

- Private property.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- That's not a weapon, FYI.

That's, uh, I, I...

- In the wrong hands anything can become a weapon.

Thank God we got him before he skipped town.

- Um, who are you?

- He's my parole officer.

- You screwed up, Shane.

Guess who's going back to Victorville?

- Come on.

Say goodbye, Gracie.

- Curt Dunkin, FBI.

I just received orders to take Mr. Antar

into federal custody.

- On whose authority?

- Thomasine Woodley, Deputy Director

of the National Security Agency

and United States Cyber Command.

- Can't get much higher than that now, can ya?

- I'm Shane's parole officer

from the Department of Corrections.

Would someone mind telling me

what this is all about?

- I'm sorry.

That's classified.

- Wipe your mouth, Shane.

You look like you ate a glazed donut.

What do you know about the Gam Cam Grrl?

- Today is the first day I even heard of her.

It was on the radio.

I saw the article in The Times too.

Oh, and this girl on the train showed it to me

on her phone.

- This morning she relayed a message

in Morse Code.

14 numbers identical to your Prison Register ID

and release date.

- Has to be a coincidence.

- Coincidence, with the odds a million times

higher than winning the lottery.

I didn't even know

about her till today.

I'm not allowed to use the internet so I get

my news the old-fashioned way.

Newspapers and TV.

Sometimes even the radio.

- We're willing to pay you $5,000 a week

plus medical and dental.

We'll get the DOC to drop the restrictions

on your internet access

just help us find who's responsible for this.

- I really appreciate the job offer,

I don't want to work

for the NSA.

I'd rather work at the grocery store.

- The third house on the right.

- How do you know where I live?

- Shane, the NSA knows everything.

- Hey, wanna heat dinner for you?

- No, that's fine, I already ate.

I had a sandwich at the comedy club.

- Oh.

Hey, how's your date?

- Not so good.

Started out fine, but things sort of ended

on a sour note.

- What went wrong?

- Yeah, I didn't want her to know

I was a convicted felon.

So I lied about who I was.

- You don't have to lie.

Just be yourself.

Somebody will love you the way you are.

- Right, Mom.

- Let's give a warm, Mata Hari Club welcome

for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!

- How many times do I have to tell you, Karol?

All men are liars.

- Thank you, Harold. - Just like your father.

- Yeah, you're probably right about that.

And I want to thank all of you for coming out tonight.

And while I'm thanking everybody

for coming I wanna call out a special thanks to you, Harold,

for not coming,

in my mouth last night.

Any LGBT folks in the audience tonight?

C'mon, you!

- What, are you watching television?

- No, it's my YouTube video from last night.

I only have five views.

Did you watch it, Mom?

I sent you the link.

- When are you gonna get a real job, Karol?

You're almost 30 years old.

- Comedy is a real job, Mom!

Come on, we've had this conversation like

a million times.

- I cannot be supporting you the rest

of your life.

You need to get a real job.

You need to find a decent man.

And you need to settle down

before it's too late!

- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen.

- You know and stop sleeping

with all those criminals you keep bringing home.

- The happy nap DNA analysis traces Shane's

lineage back to Emperor Genghis Khan.

- Who isn't related to Genghis Khan?

The guy had over 4,000 children

with more than 2,000 wives.

Do the exponential math on that one.

- She's waking the wombat again.

7:30 a.m., Pacific Standard time.

- Same time as yesterday.

- And the day before.

- She seems to be establishing a fixed

event schedule like the broadcast networks do.

- To get the audience to tune in at a specific time.

Why?

- Twice as much usage as yesterday's wombat awakening.

- That's why.

She's growing her audience.

When was the last time she watered the calla lilies?

About 3 1/2 hours ago at 3:43.

- This is different.

- Yesterday it was blinking the lights

in Morse Code.

- Today it's blackjack?

- I see more than two cards.

- New style of Texas Hold 'Em, maybe?

- She's definitely got something up her sleeve.

- My name is Cami Fawlkes.

I think outside the box?

- Apparently Fawlkes is pronounced Fox.

- The name of me.

Contains the key.

To opening the locks.

- It's a poem.

The name of me contains the key.

- It's almost like Guy Fawkes,

except she spells her name with an L in it.

- Maybe the L is the key?

- Let's run the full limerick

through the Jaguar at Oak Ridge, see if it can uncover

any hidden gems.

- Any luck getting Shane Antar on board to join our team?

- No, I drew a blank.

I did get a good read on him on our ride home last night.

He's an altruist, for sure,

but with this self-righteous streak.

Possibly even a trace of what they like to call

The Mighty Mouse Syndrome.

- He wants to be the one who saves the day!

- Exactly.

- Well, If we wanna catch Mighty Mouse,

I think I found the perfect damsel in distress.

- I should have listened to my mother.

I mean, she warned me about dating criminals.

But did I listen?

Of course not.

So last night I went home with this convicted felon.

Bank robber.

Just got out on parole.

I'll call him Mr. LGBTQ

because he was sitting right there eating his BLT.

So we get back to my apartment and he starts

going down on me and you know how some guys

just kind of dawdle around down there like

they're about to fill out a government form to ride

the wild bull in the rodeo,

but this guy was no slouch, okay,

this guy knew his geography,

and when I say Geography it's with a Capital G,

like G-spot, ladies!

Okay, so he's eating me out and I'm sitting there thinking

where the fuck did this guy

learn to eat pussy like this?

He sure as shit wasn't gettin' no pussy in prison!

I mean, maybe he's some kind of like fucking prodigy

like Mozart or something.

I don't know.

Whatever the case, but there I was on my bed

blasting off like a fucking rocket ship

to Mars when hey, what's this?

Deja vu all over again?

- Caroline Miriam Angelikis?

- Uh, yeah?

Is there a problem?

- We have a warrant for your arrest.

- Wait, arrest?

For what?

- Assaulting a police officer in the line of duty.

- Huh, oh, yeah yeah, I saw this act

at a friend's bachelorette party one time, yeah.

Um, where's the boom box, guys?

Did one of my friends put you up to this?

- Step down, please. - What?

- You have the right to remain silent.

- Oh, okay, wait!

This is getting way too realistic here.

Oh, so the punchline of the story is:

if only I would have listened to my mother I could

have just become a dental hygienist and married a doctor!

Maybe a lawyer!

Hey, wait!

I could really use a lawyer right now!

Is there a fucking lawyer in the house?

I slapped his wrist

because he had his grubby fingers in my panty drawer!

- It's still assault and battery on a peace officer

in the line of duty.

Punishable by up to 20 years in jail.

- The worldwide internet hack known as gamcamgrrl.com

has just completed its fifth day

of unfettered operation without any government

being able to shut it down.

We have Deputy Director of the National Security Agency,

Thomasine Woodley on the line

to discuss the global ramifications of this,

immediately after this commercial.

- Hello?

- Shane!

Shane? - Yes?

- Hi.

Yeah.

It's Karol.

Karol Angelikis.

Um, I'm, I'm really sorry I'm calling

you so late right now but I...

- No, I'm the one who should be sorry for lying

to you the way I did.

- Oh, yeah yeah, that's all water under the bridge.

- Hey, uh, how'd you get my number?

- Uh, they gave it to me here at the police station.

- Are you in some kind of trouble?

- Yeah, listen, okay, I'm in really deep shit.

And they said you're the only one who can pull me

out from under the pile.

Okay, here's the deal: if my client,

during his employment with the NSA,

helps to uncover the source of this Gam Cam Grrl network,

he will be granted a full presidential pardon

and his entire criminal record will be expunged.

- That's a tall order.

We're gonna have to go through the appropriate channels.

- I think for something as important as this,

you can go right to the top.

- Sorry to disturb you

at this late hour, Mr. President.

- No problem, Doug,

I was still up tweeting about this Gam Cam Grrl thing.

I think I got it figured out, I've had a lot

of experience in that area, you know.

Know who I think is behind it all?

North Korea.

Pyongyang.

Pyongyang!

Get it?

It's just a few letters off from Poontang!

- Thank you.

I'll be on the corner of First and Main

in about a minute.

- Shane!

Mmmm.

Thank you for getting me off.

- You're welcome.

- How'd you do it?

- I just licked the alphabet is all.

- No, no, no I'm not talking about last night,

I'm talking about tonight.

Like, how did you get them to drop

all my charges?

- I took a job at the Federal Building up the street.

Starts tomorrow.

Can we walk?

I have a cab coming for me downstairs.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, what's your new job?

- They want me to help them find the Gam Cam Grrl.

- Wait, that cunt that keeps showing her twat

on the internet?

Are you serious, Shane?

That's really funny, that's definitely

not your new job...

- I'm not kidding, Karol.

That's my new job.

And it comes with full medical and dental benefits.

- Okay.

Hey, uh, why don't we just have the cab take

us back to my place.

You know, we can pick up where we left off last night

you know, before we were so rudely interrupted!

Come on in.

Take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable.

- Thank God you don't have that fucking

ankle bracelet anymore.

- Ditto.

Free at last, free at last.

Now if I recall,

where we last left off,

was somewhere down here

in the nether regions.

- Oh yeah.

No loss of memory cells there, baby.

Oh yeah, you're really really turning me on.

Which reminds me, I need to turn my phone back on.

Those bastards turned it off when they took

my phone from me.

Oh yeah, no, that's the money, Shane.

Yeah, I meant to ask you where you learned

how to, how to, how to...

347 new messages!

Arrest for what?

What the fuck?

- Assaulting an officer in the line of duty.

- Oh, yeah yeah,

I saw this act at a friend's bachelorette

party one time, yeah.

Um, where's the boom box, Guys?

Did one of my friends put you up to this?

Oh my fucking God!

12 million views!

I've gone viral!

- Did you see it?

- I can't fucking believe it!

- 12 million views!

- I know!

- 12 1/2 million now!

Oh my God! - Oh!

This is even better than sex!

Yeah, and speaking of sex, look who's here.

Say hi to Lulu, Shane!

- Oh, hi, Lulu.

- Hi, Shane!

- That's what I call doing FaceTime!

- Hey Karol, there's somebody here

at the Mata Hari who wants to talk to you.

- Hey, Karol, how's it goin'?

Look, I wanna bump you up to a featured spot.

Can you be here tomorrow at, say, 10 o'clock?

- Fuck yeah!

That's a paying spot, isn't it?

- Yeah, 50 bucks!

- Oh, I'm there! - Awesome.

- Karol, you have to get down here!

There's so many people who want your autograph!

- Look, there she is!

- Look, it's her!

Ah!

- It's Karol Angelikis!

- Get down here!

- Okay!

I'm coming right now!

See you soon.

Oh my God, Shane, come down with me to the Mata Hari with me

it's gonna be... - I'd love to,

but it's almost midnight

and I start my new job at seven in the morning.

- Okay, um, alright, I gotcha.

'My house is your house'

I want you to move in with me and be my boyfriend.

- Really, just like that?

We haven't even... - Yes, no, shush.

I know a good thing when I see it

and you're the best fucking thing that's ever happened

to me, okay?

When I get home tonight I'm gonna ride you like a horse

in the fucking Kentucky Derby!

First place!

Blue ribbon.

Blue skies, nobody in the lead.

Just us.

Riding into the sunset.

I'm gonna ride you, your dick, into the sunset.

Bye, I'll be back!

- Chad, I want you to bring Shane up to speed

on everything we have on the Gam Cam Grrl up to this point.

- You got it.

- And at lunch hour, take him shopping

for a new suit.

You can use the agency credit card.

- Thanks.

- We must maintain a certain office decorum.

- Can't dress too cas to sit at a desk and stare

at a vagina all day.

- Oh.

That reminds me, Shane, I forgot to give you a copy of this.

The Gam Cam Grrl website not only poses a threat

to national security, but it does present

a unique challenge to our rules

against inappropriate office banter.

Without a system of politically correct

euphemisms in place, it would be hard not to use

words that could be construed as sexual harassment.

- Pretty hefty book.

- Well, there are a lot of words and phrases

that are inappropriate in an office environment.

And the V-word happens to be one of them.

- I mean, it's a pretty cool deal, actually.

Ah, I mean, like, they gave me this new suit.

And look what else I got, eh?

Now that my parole restrictions are lifted.

- Huh.

Yeah!

Now we can, uh, now we can FaceTime each other

when you're at work.

- Actually, the office I work in is called an SCIF.

- SCIF? - It stands for

Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility.

We need to check in our phones at the security desk

in the lobby.

It's kind of funny, really.

The NSA, the ultimate hackers are afraid

of their own phones being hacked.

Just goes to show what goes around comes around.

- What?

Wait, some of these, like,

word substitutions are fucking, like, hysterical!

I don't, I don't get it.

Like, this is real.

Is this real?

Is this like... - That's what they gave me.

- What?

- You can't say words like penis or pussy

or vagina at work to avoid the potential

for sexual harassment.

- Oh, that's fucking bullshit.

So are you coming to see my show tonight at 10:00?

- I'll be there.

Should I order a BLT?

- What?

You're so cute.

I'm really glad you're with me Shane.

Like, you bring me so much good luck.

Like, I have agents coming out to see me tonight.

Like, do you know how hard it is to get

an agent in this fucking town?

- Actually, I don't know much about show business

to tell you the truth.

- Well, stand-up comedy is like one

of the hardest fields to make it in.

And an opportunity like this comes around maybe

once in your fucking lifetime, or sometimes it doesn't.

But, when we get home tonight,

I am gonna give you the best fuck

you've ever had in your life.

- Hi, Mom.

What's up?

- Oh, I, I'll be right home.

- Dusty!

- Ma?

Ma, wake up.

Wake up.

- I'm gonna call 911.

- Oh.

- So my new boyfriend works for the NSA.

He's on a special task force to crack the Gam Cam Grrl code.

So, that's right, my boyfriend gets to stare

at another girl's twat for eight hours a day.

No one at the NSA office

is allowed to use the word vagina or pussy

or crotch or snatch or coot-coot

or any other normal word that you would usually use

to describe a woman's vajayjay.

No, because they have this bullshit

zero-tolerance sexual harassment policy.

I mean, so when they wanna talk

about the Gam Cam Grrl's crotch they have to use

the word proscenium.

Can you believe it?

Can you?

No.

Proscenium.

Like, when did our government become so Greek

all of a sudden?

And, and then the clit, the clit is called upstage

and then the buttocks is called downstage

and, and the asshole, get this,

the asshole is referred to as the backstage exit.

- Where's centerstage?

- Buddy, if you don't know where centerstage is,

it's obvious you've never gotten to second base.

Now, where was I?

Oh, oh yeah: So when my boyfriend goes down

on me now, I have to say: yeah, yeah, right there!

No no no, little bit more upstage!

Well, actually stage left.

No, no, more stage right.

Like, when the fuck did I become a fucking

choreographer all of a sudden?

I mean, with all the frustrated ex-theater majors

that now work in the Human Resources Department,

you know somebody's got an ex-Pat Australian somewhere.

Yeah.

You wanna know why I think that?

- Why?

- Because every morning when the Gam Cam Grrl

masturbates at exactly 7:45 on the dot,

our intrepid NSA overlords

don't just call it like it is, like,

"Oh she's fingering herself again, Joe,"

or "She's diddling herself again, Chad."

No.

No, in order to avoid being fired

for inappropriate office banter they have to say,

are you ready for this,

she's waking the wombat.

I kid you not.

Waking the wombat.

Those are where your tax dollars are going folks.

People get paid six-figure salaries

to come up with this shit.

- I don't want to jump to any conclusions

until we get all the results back from the lab.

With the holiday weekend,

that'll probably not be until the middle of next week.

Now until then, all we can do is sit back

and let's hope for the best.

- Thank you.

- I'm scared.

- Don't worry, Mom.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Let's try to think positive.

Okay?

Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

- Yeah.

I'm good.

- I think outside the box.

The name of me contains the key

to opening the locks.

- Human Resources had to revise the appropriate

word substitution guide to compensate

for the classified terms that were compromised.

- This is classified information, Shane.

- You can't divulge it to anyone

who doesn't have top secret clearance.

- Yeah, not your mother.

Not your priest...

- And definitely not your foul-mouth girlfriend.

- I think I have something here.

- What?

IMac for sale, 4K?

- It brought up this listing on Craigslist

for a 2002 vintage iMac selling for $4,000.

Similar posts for the exact same model

are going for 10, maybe $25 max.

So this one is humongously overpriced.

- How did you come up with iMac for sale 4,000?

- The letters F and W are worth four points each.

So I used the numerical value of those in lieu

of the letters to spell iMac for sale, 4K.

- Wow, we've had the Jaguar computer at Oak Ridge

and the entire cryptography staff

at San Antonio and Augusta working on this non-stop

and they haven't come up with anything remotely like this.

Shane, this is, well it's bordering on insanity.

- Hacking is more of an art than a science,

in my opinion.

- So you're going to respond to the ad with a limerick?

- I'm responding in kind to the limerick

she dealt in front of her twah, I'm sorry,

I meant to say pudendum, proscenium,

proscenium.

That's what I meant, uh, sorry,

old habits die hard.

- We're no longer calling it a proscenium.

That word has been compromised.

The new word for that portion of the female anatomy is...

Hm, the cavern.

- Cavern.

I'll have to remember that next time

I go spelunking.

- This is serious, Shane.

It's inappropriate to joke about it.

- Sorry.

- Let's see what you've got.

My name is Shane Antar,

I'm searching near and far, to find a place,

for face to face, perhaps your local bar?

- I had to make it rhyme.

At first I was going to end it with:

To find a place for face to face to find out who you are

but I thought that might be a bit presumptuous

so I ended with the bar line.

So here it goes.

Where it ends up, nobody knows.

- You're grasping at straws here, Shane.

I think that you should spend your time here

at the office a little more productively

and I would suggest starting with studying the revised

appropriate word substitution guide.

- Whoa.

It's almost one o'clock.

I need to meet Karol for lunch in 15 minutes.

- And tell her to scrub the classified bits

from her comedy routine or there's going to be hell to pay!

- Hungry Lice!

- Hi.

- Hi, Shane.

Sorry, I'm running late.

- I'm on a tight schedule, uh,

I went ahead and ordered you a Thai Iced Tea.

- Thanks, uh, you know what those fucking pricks

you work for did?

They took my YouTube post down for my show last night.

Like, those motherfuckers!

It already had over 35 million views!

- They told me to tell you not to use

the classified stuff anymore.

- You knew about it but you didn't do anything

to stop those fucking bastards from doing it?

- Karol, I'm just a minnow in a very large

ocean over there.

I'm just trying to follow the rules

so I don't get sent back to prison.

- Whatever.

Thank God you got me a drink.

I'm thirsty as shit.

Mm, that hits the spot right there.

So, anything new and exciting

on the worldwide pussy safari?

- They really came down on me about talking

about this with anybody.

It's top secret, Karol, okay?

And, besides, I've gotta go in 15 minutes,

so I'd rather not spend what little's left

of my lunch, like, talking about work.

- Well, speaking of work,

I just signed with an agent this morning.

- Oh, congratulations!

- Thank you!

Oh, um, uh, so how's your Mom?

- She's doing much better this morning.

Thanks for asking.

Gosh, she really did give me a scare last night.

You know, my father died of a heart attack

while I was in the Pen.

She was all alone for the past couple years,

- Oh, shoot!

Oh my gosh, I have to take this.

Sorry, hold on.

Hi, hi, Bruce, well, what's up?

Jimmy Fallon?

New, oh right, wait, in New York?

Are you serious?

Oh, my God, wait, what time's the flight?

Hell yeah!

I mean, okay, okay, I'm there!

Oh my God!

I just, Shane, my agent just got me

a flight to New York!

I'm gonna be on The Jimmy Fallon Special tomorrow night!

You're coming with me!

You're gonna come with me to this!

- It sounds great.

What time's your flight leave?

- Oh, it's, it's in three hours.

- Oh, I, I can't just, like,

cut out on work like that,

I'll just, I'll take a later flight.

- Okay, yeah.

That's fine.

I'm gonna text you my room when I check

into the Plaza, Hotel and it's gonna be so romantic.

Oh, you know what, I gotta go!

I gotta pack, I gotta get to LAX.

I've gotta get my stuff together!

But I'm gonna see you in New York, Shane!

- Dear Shane.

My favorite bar is the Crusty Cossack

on Avenue of the Czars in Moscow.

Meet me there tomorrow night at the Private Masquerade Ball.

You must wear a mask to get in.

Bring ID

And come alone.

I will show you everything you need to know.

Cami.

- It's risky sending our asset into that bar

all alone without backup in a foreign country.

- Chad's right.

What if it's a trap?

And they're using Cami's Cavern as bait?

- The same bait that caused Agamemnon

to launch a thousand ships.

- And the war was begun.

- This is the mask you'll be wearing

to the Crusty Cossack tonight.

- Couldn't you have picked something

a little more attractive, Mr. Ambassador?

I mean it's sort of like a blind date.

- Oh, I don't think it qualifies as that,

do you, Gina?

- I wouldn't call it a blind date.

- Well, a first date at least.

It's definitely that.

- The Frankenstein mask has several unique

features which are advantageous

to our communication and surveillance embellishments.

For example, in this stud-like protrusion

on the right side of the face is imbedded a small

camera which gives us a live video feed.

And here in the left nostril is a microphone

so we can hear what's going on, especially

to anyone directly in front of you.

- Cool.

- Place this receiver bud in your left ear it

will allow us to always be in communication with you.

Testing, one, two, three.

- Loud and clear, Boss.

Heh.

It's like I'm starring in my own spy novel.

- Oh, but there's one more thing.

Let's not forget the GPS tracking device.

- Oh, right.

I've had some experience with those.

- Oh, no.

This particular model does not go on your ankle.

It's considerably more discreet.

- What can I get you?

- May I have a lemonade.

- Only the best lemonade

for you, my friend.

I trust you will find this

better than expected.

- Thanks.

- Hello?

- Hey, Lover!

Hey, hey, I keep trying to FaceTime

you but my calls aren't going through.

- I can't talk right now, Karol,

I'm in the middle of something here at work.

- Oh.

Middle of something, yeah.

Yeah, right, right.

What you're in the middle of is watching

some other girl's proscenium

is what you're in the middle of, okay,

and the thought of this is really starting

to put a bug up my ass now

that we're in a relationship so I, I think you should tell

your Boss you wanna be transferred

to a different department.

- Shane, this is not the time to be talking

to your girlfriend.

There's important work to be done

in the service of your country.

- I, I mean, come on, let's face it, you know,

we're talking about some major pussy fatigue here, Shane.

You know, after your staring at some girl's coot-coot

all day long the last thing

you're gonna wanna do when you get home is pay any

attention to mine and when all is said

and done I'm gonna be the one that's waking the wombat.

- We'll have to talk about this later, Karol.

I'm sorry.

What the?

- Uh, I just lost picture.

Shane?

Can you read me?

Say yes if you do.

- Uh, Shane?

Shane!

Hello?

Shane, are you there?

Shane, come on, are you there?

Come on!

- Karol, I've gotta go.

Something just came up.

- So yeah, I'll, I'll bet something came up,

I'll bet something came up all right.

Yeah, you need to let it go back down

so you can save it for me tomorrow night on New Year's Eve!

- The GPS tracker shows Shane has gone

into the Men's Restroom.

Are you having technical difficulties?

- Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

Shane's not responding to me so I wonder

if his earbud went out too.

I mean, we're still getting audio I know

they're not jamming the signal.

- I've always wanted to fuck Frankenstein.

Ever since I saw my first monster movie.

Please, Frankie.

I want you to fuck me right here on the sink.

Will you please fuck me on the sink, Franky?

- Yes.

- Oh yes, Frankie,

I love the way you are fingering my clitoris like that.

Oh yes,

flick my little nubbin.

Will you please fuck me on the sink, Franky?

Oh yes, what a big monster cock you have.

It's even bigger than I thought it would be.

- Ooh.

Sounds like our asset is seriously engaging his contact.

- The live Gam Cam Grrl feed is not consistent

with what we're hearing through

the Frankenstein nostril microphone.

- Roger that.

Shane!

I am sorry to inform you that the woman

you are cavorting with is not Cami Fawlkes.

I repeat, that is not Cami Fawlkes.

- Oh!

- Oh yes, yes.

Ram your big hard monster cock all the way inside me.

Harder.

Yes.

Just like that.

Fuck me harder.

Yes.

I want all of it.

All of your big monster cock.

Yes.

Yes, fuck me, fuck me, give me all of it

you big fucking hunk of manhood, you.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Oh, God, yes!

Yes, give me all of it.

Yes, oh, yes.

Yes, yes, oh, yes, fuck me.

Give me all of it you big fucking hunk

of manhood, you.

Could you repeat that, please?

I didn't quite understand

what you said.

- He's on the move!

He's leaving the Crusty Cossack!

- We're on it.

Okay, head east on Doobensky Boulevard.

Step on it, they're moving really fast!

I mean, I can't believe how fast they're going!

Why aren't the Russian police pulling them over?

- I feel so lost without my translation app.

- No need to feel lost.

I speak perfect English.

- Oh, so all that stuff back at the bar was just?

- Showtime.

To throw the bloodhounds off the scent.

- Are you Cami Fawlkes?

- No.

My name is Brin.

- Pleasure meeting you, Brin.

I'm Shane.

- Do you really want to shake the hand

that just had three fingers up your rectum?

- Good point.

Elbow bump, maybe?

Heh?

- Oh, you Americans.

You always have the most peculiar customs.

I love it.

- Okay, turn right on Sebrinka Street!

Now right on Zbignew.

They've stopped.

We're closing in on the destination now

which is straight ahead.

Middle Ring Sewage Treatment Plant.

- I'd say we've been given a bum steer.

- Shit.

- So what's she like, Cami Fawlkes?

- Most men I encounter, including lesbians like me,

consider her to be the girl of their dreams.

- Am I in heaven?

- Not yet.

- Feels like I am.

- You're probably still high from the ether,

Darling.

- Where am I?

- In a safe place.

Far from the prying eyes and ears of your fellow employers.

- You're Cami Fawlkes.

- I am.

It is my deep pleasure to finally meet you, Shane.

You were my hero when I was in high school.

I followed your trial in the media

and wrote a blog about it.

I thought you should have been acquitted.

I was devastated when the judge gave you 10 years.

- Do you ever take off the white gloves?

- Only when I'm awake.

If I were to start waking the wombat

in my sleep they could ID me from my fingerprints.

- Smart.

So you know the NSA code words.

- Oh, thanks to your girlfriend posting

her stand-up routines on-line.

- Just so you know, they just changed all the codes.

You won't be waking the wombat anymore,

from now on you'll be stoking the stalactite.

Oops, I shouldn't have told you that.

It's classified, shh.

- So what is the deal with you and Karol with a K?

Are you in love with her?

- Um, to be honest,

the relationship hasn't really gotten off the ground yet.

We still haven't gone all the way.

- But you have gone down on her,

which she has described in vivid detail in one

of her latest videos.

- I know.

It's a little embarrassing.

- Has she ever gone down on you?

- Not yet.

- See, I have found that relationships work best

when there is a mutual sense of reciprocity.

Otherwise they can tend to be a little too one-sided.

- Yes, I, uh, you're absolutely right.

Like no one wants to be in a relationship that,

that's just so, oh, yes.

Yeah, so, oh, too...

Too, one.

Sided.

Hi, this is Shane.

I can't come to the phone right now

so please leave a message after the tone.

- Hi, Shane.

It's Karol.

I don't know why you're not picking up

your phone right now, um,

but I just wanted to let you know that I booked

us a hotel at the Plaza for, I got us a room

for tomorrow night for New Year's Eve.

You know that shit's fucking expensive,

I put it on a credit card though because,

whatever, you only live once, right?

I decided that tomorrow night for New Year's Eve

I'm gonna to do a Facebook Live feed

and what I was thinking is maybe we could meet each

other at the top of the Empire State Building

but, um, I heard it's hard to get up

there on the top of the building on New Year's Eve.

So I was thinking instead we could meet

at the tip of Times Square like 41st and Broadway

and we're gonna meet there and surprise

everyone on my Live feed because I've got like

two-million Instagram followers already.

But when we're done, we can go back

to the Plaza and we can fuck like little bunnies

on the prairie in the middle of the snow.

Okay?

Huh, are you down, Shane?

- This is a project I am working on.

I call it Head Room.

Kind of like a gigantic iteration of the mood ring.

- It's amazing.

This is exactly how I feel right now.

- Think of how you will feel when I give you

my shadow internet technology and you get

your presidential pardon.

- But you're Russian, right?

- Da.

- Why would you give your technology

to the United States?

- Because right now I am on a Putin-free diet.

And the U.S. is the last hope for freedom in the world.

But the reason I brought you here, Shane,

is I need you to help me hack The People's Bank of China.

- Whoa.

You think that's possible?

- I have been probing their security systems

for the past year and I have found a back door.

But there is a firewall with an encrypted

passcode that uses Chinese characters.

The passcode changes every hour

through a random sequence generator.

I expect to transfer 32 billion yuan.

That's around five billion U.S. dollars.

- Billion?

- Da.

Billion with a B.

If you help me hack I will give you 5% of the take:

$250 million.

- I didn't feel bad about hacking Western Ems Levee

because that's where human traffickers

and criminals kept their money.

But the Bank of China, that's people's savings accounts.

- I promise I will not touch any personal accounts.

Only the big government bureaucracies

and military-industrial complex.

You can do what you did before with the money, Shane,

and give it all to charity.

Or you could start a foundation that cures

diseases or does some other great good in the world.

You know, people with no money,

they can hope and wish and talk all they want

about making the world a better place.

But money is what turns those dreams into reality.

- When are you planning on doing the hack?

- Tonight.

New Year's Eve.

While everybody is partying, leaving the henhouse door open

for foxes like us.

Think of all the good you could do

with a quarter billion dollars, Shane.

- Okay. - Da?

- I'm in. - Da?

Oh, there is also something else

that I need from you in order for the plan to work:

I need you to have sexual intercourse with me

at the time and the place of my choosing.

No questions asked.

- What?

- What is so funny about you having sex with me?

- What is so funny?

I wake up in bed wearing a toga

with this beautiful woman who gives me head

and then wants me to be on standby to have sex

with her at the drop of a hat!

I mean, look at all this place,

is this a nut house or what?

I should have known this was a wacky dream right

from the get-go.

- This is no dream, darling.

This is as real as it gets

and I need a commitment from you in order

for our relationship to further:

I need you to have sexual intercourse with me at the time

and the place of my choosing no questions asked?

I need a simple da or nyet and I need it now.

- Da.

- Good answer.

- Hi, this is Shane.

I can't come to the phone right now...

- Pick up your goddam phone, Shane, come on, It's Karol,

We're about to start taping for the show

in fifteen minutes and I was just calling,

you know, 'cause I just wanna hear your voice.

You know, I'm, I'm nervous.

You know, I was thinking this all happened

so fast and I waited my whole life

for this and what if they don't like me or what if,

what if I think I'm good and I actually suck?

You know, and I'm, I'm so alone up here.

But, don't forget: tomorrow we're meeting

at the corner of 42nd and Broadway, okay?

Remember?

Times Square?

6:45?

Oh, don't forget, okay?

Love you, Babe.

- The passcode for the back door uses a series

of Chinese characters.

So I am going to need you to drive as my wingman tonight

to help me get through the final hurdle.

- This Pinyin Input didn't exist back in my hey-day.

I'm going to have to practice a bit to get my chops back.

- We will begin the hack at 2:30 a.m. local time.

That gives you 11 hours to get

your fingers back in shape.

- Sorry to interrupt you, Queen Camille,

but are all systems still go for tonight?

- All systems are still a go.

- I didn't know you were a queen.

- There are a lot of things you still

don't know about me.

But you are about to find out.

Shane, this is Octavia, commander of my Praetorian Guard.

- Pleased to meet you, Octavia.

- I missed you yesterday.

- I missed you too.

- How was your day off?

- Not nearly as good as my days on.

- Uh, don't mind me.

I'm just the Mandarin encryptionist here.

- This is Shane, my new partner in crime.

And my new lover.

- Mm, lucky you, Shane.

All my bodyguards are lesbians.

- Thanks for letting me know, Cami.

I would have never guessed it.

Not after what happened between you and me this morning.

- The blowjob?

- Uh, yeah.

That.

The blowjob.

I'm sorry, but it was more than just a blowjob to me, Cami.

- What was it to you then?

- I don't know.

A revelation?

That maybe, dumb, stupid,

naive Robin Hood of the Internet me fell in love

with the woman whose vagina I've been staring

at for the past four days.

- I am the B not the L in the LGBT.

Does that bother you, Shane?

Who all of Karol with a K's followers know as Mr. LGBTQ?

- Uh, no.

- Well, then why do you sound so disappointed?

- After what happened this morning

and you telling me about the crush you had on me

in high school, I was hoping

that our relationship could be more

than just a one night stand.

Or one day stand, whatever.

- Just because I am an openly bi-sexual woman

only means that you will have a girlfriend

with an added dimension.

That is all.

Our relationship will never,

ever get boring.

- We were able to retrieve the mask,

his cell phone, and an old iPod

that had the woman's pre-recorded voice on it.

One of our IT techs is doing a voice analysis

on it right now.

- Hey, this thought just occurred to me, Ron:

what if Shane has been in collusion

with the Russians all along?

You know, the Morse Code,

the exchange of cutesy limericks,

a Masquerade Ball in an off-beat Russian bar.

- And how would they even know he had a GPS

up his ass if he wasn't in on it?

- Exactly.

There's something about this whole gam cam affair,

it just doesn't smell right.

And I plan on getting to the bottom of it.

- We have gotten to the final firewall.

Everyone please put on your masks in case of a slip up.

You too, Shane.

- Oh, cool.

At least it's not the Frankenstein mask.

This kind of impedes my vision.

- You only have to wear it for a few minutes.

Just for the distraction phase.

Okay.

Ladies and gentleman, it's showtime!

If Kim Kardashian's ass can break the internet,

then my vulva ought to totally obliterate it!

- All right, I'd like to welcome

all of you to my Facebook Live broadcast.

It's almost 6:30 Eastern Time

and I'm almost to the corner of 42nd and Broadway

where I am about to meet my boyfriend Shane

who just got back from like Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where

trying to hunt down the infamous Gam Cam Grrl.

Too bad, bitch, because he's coming to see me instead.

And when we get back to the hotel, I...

- Alright, Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up.

- For you, my queen.

There's a slight chance of rain.

- Thank you, Octavia.

- I think I almost got this figured out.

- Shane, not now.

Get over here, we don't have time,

we need major distraction.

- Whoa!

- I want you to have sexual intercourse with me.

- Right, right now?

In here?

In front of your whole crew?

Not to mention the billions of people

logged on to your website.

- You said I get to choose my time and place of choosing

and I chose my here and I chose my now.

So get to it, Shane.

- Okay.

Here we go, oh, I was hoping maybe we could have

a candlelight dinner first?

Maybe a walk on the beach?

Catch a sunset?

- Just shut up and fuck me, Shane.

- Someone's about to go spelunking.

- I said fuck me not finger me.

- Sorry, old habits die hard.

- Holy fuck.

I just got a tweet from my BFF Lulu back in L.A.

that says the Gam Cam Grrl just got a little bit

of fingering action a few minutes ago

and some internet trolls are saying that it's my,

my boyfriend was the one doing the fingering?

It's total bullshit, okay, fake news, people!

Okay, because Shane's gonna be here any minute

and the only fingering action that gonna

be happening on this New Year's Eve

is on this little piece of real estate, right there.

- The internet report claims of a fingerprint

match to convicted felon Shane Antar

has just been confirmed by an unnamed source at the FBI

This of course proves that Mr. Antar

has indeed made contact with the infamous Gam Cam Grrl,

Cami Fawlkes, or rather is making contact

at this very moment.

- What the fuck?

You motherfucking son of a bitch!

You fucking cheater!

It's over, Shane, okay!

It's over!

It's O-V-E-R, over!

When I get back to L.A., I'm gonna take all your shit

that's in my fucking apartment and I'm gonna throw it

all over the fucking sidewalk!

And I'm gonna stomp on your face

on the sidewalk!

I'm so fuck, wait, wait, no, why,

why the fuck don't I have any internet connection?

What the Hell?

- The internet is down.

- What time zones?

- Worldwide.

- Masks off.

Shane, get back to your station!

Everybody!

- We're in!

- Freeze the UTC clock.

- Done.

- Double-zero, double-zero,

31, automator resume.

- Done. - Done.

- You froze the Universal Time Clock?

- For 15 minutes.

Any money transfers we make during that time

won't show up on their internal audits

for another month and by that time the funds

will be so laundered they'll never be able

to follow the trail.

Poof.

They'll be gone without a trace.

- Brilliant.

- Save the accolades for the after party.

Still got my east side there, Wingman?

- Gotcha covered, Pilot Cami.

- All right.

Are we still hacked into JumboTron?

- Yes, my Queen.

- Put up the pre-recorded video.

'Yes, my Queen.'

- Good evening to everyone around the world.

My name is Cami Fawlkes.

I am interrupting your New Year's Eve celebrations

to bring you an important message.

I hereby declare an end to patriarchal ociety

that has been dominating our civilization

for the past 10,000 years,

and am announcing the dawn of a new age,

the Age of Mutual Respect and Equality.

To throw off the ropes and cast off

the shackles, the mere Free The Nipple Movement

is simply not enough.

In order to completely free ourselves

from patriarchal oppression we must free the vagina!

The method I used to create my alternate internet

was based on pointillism, the same technique

Georges Seurat used to create this painting.

Tiny dots of color that when viewed separately

are meaningless, but when viewed as a whole

they create a complete picture.

I created my alternate internet using

the transmissions of billions of cell phones

around the world.

The ground zero transmitter I secretly

installed at the top of Mount Elbrus.

That signal was then relayed to other

transponders on Annapurna Massif, Mount Fuji,

Denali, Elbert, Illimani,

Kilimanjaro and Puncak Jaya.

The millions of cell phone bots within

their range would receive the bot-dots

and be re-transmitted through the app on their phones

into the dark web and fed to their local

internet service providers

which no government was able to trace or shut down.

- But how did you hijack the billions of phones

around the world to make all your bot-dots?

- Hungry Lice!

- Level twenty-one.

- Brilliant.

- All the encryptions, algorithms, passwords and passcodes

are here on this eight terabyte drive.

Give this to the NSA and you'll receive

your presidential pardon.

- Thank you very much.

- The U.S. Embassy is filled with cameras,

so I will have Octavia drop you off a couple

of blocks away.

I apologize for the blindfold, darling,

but there is no telling what kind of mind games

those employers of yours will play in order

to track my location during your de-briefing.

Most of what you will tell them

will be the unvarnished truth.

But I will need you to sprinkle in a few little

white lies for good measure.

- And she never took her mask off the entire time

you were there?

- No.

She never did.

- Huh.

Well, the system checks out.

Including all of the codes for accessing

Hungry Lice apps on people's cell phones.

Reconnaissance satellite images confirm locations

of mountaintop transponders,

it's everything you said it would be in the de-briefing.

And our field operative in Moscow managed

to locate your phone.

- Great.

Thanks.

- Don't turn it on till after you exit the building.

- Got it.

Just like in L.A.

- I find it hard to believe that a woman

that intelligent would go to so much trouble

to fulfill some sexual fantasy she had in high school.

- Those geniuses can do some pretty crazy stuff sometimes.

Like, personally, I think it was all just a publicity stunt

to bring attention to her Free the Vagina Movement.

Oh, or Free the Cavern as you would say at the NSA.

- I've been given authorization

by the Commander in Chief to give you this upon

successful completion of your mission.

Thank you, Shane, for your service

to your country, you've gone above and beyond

the call of duty.

And if you ever find yourself needing a job,

the door is always open for you here.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Hi, Shane!

Yeah, I'm so glad you picked up.

I didn't know if you would after all the nasty things

I said about you on Facebook

the other night, so...

- It's all water under the bridge, Karol.

Let's let it slide.

I'm hoping we can still be friends after this?

- Yeah, me too.

I started dating somebody recently.

- That's a pretty quick turnaround considering

you just broke up with me two days ago.

So who's the lucky guy?

- His name's Johnny.

I just met him last week.

He's my new manager.

- Oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

Is he the one that got you the gig on Jimmy Fallon?

- No, no, no, that was my agent.

I've got an agent and a manager now.

- Sounds like you hit the big time.

- Well, I have and that's what I need

to talk to you about, okay?

I have a business proposition for you but,

I don't wanna talk about it over the phone.

- You're right.

The NSA is probably listening.

I'm on an 11:30 flight out of BWI.

And it gets into Long Beach around 2:00 Pacific?

- Okay, uh, then how about a late lunch at Tubulicious?

Say around four-ish?

- I'm there.

- HBO and all the major networks

are in a bidding war for this.

- Yeah, they say Realitcoms are gonna

be the Next big thing.

- What's a Realitcom?

- It's a sitcom but based on a real event.

- Loosely based!

- And it stars all the real people

that actually lived it in their real lives.

- You know, the important ones, like, you and me.

- The Producers wanna start immediately.

- Gam Cam Guy?

That's what they're calling it?

- Pretty catchy, don't ya think?

- I mean, we're each gonna make 50,000 a week

from this, Shane.

This is it, okay?

This is the next Big Thing.

- I'd like to read the script first.

- Okay, you can stay in here and read it

and Johnny and I are gonna hop outside

for a nice cigarette break.

- I don't smoke.

Uh, I mean, uh, yeah, why not?

Let's go get some fresh air.

- Excuse us.

- Boy, he really is cool as a cucumber.

I mean, I thought he'd be coming in his pants

when he heard 50 grand a week.

- Yeah, me too, but you know,

that's just his personality, so.

I think he's almost done reading the script.

- Ah, you know he's gonna love it.

I mean, it was written by all the best writers in town.

- This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life.

- But what didn't you like about it?

- None of these things happened anything like this.

It's loosely based.

I mean, they gotta punch up the comedy somehow.

- Listen, pal, they can't do the show

without you, okay, so, you know,

maybe I can get ya, like, 70-grand an episode.

- Please, Shane?

I need you to do this for me

so I don't just become another flash in the pan.

- I'm sorry, Karol, but I'm not gonna spend

the next three years re-living the same week

of my life with a laugh track.

- He looks exactly like Mr. LGBTQ.

- Who? - You know, the Gam Cam Guy.

- Oh, why would he be working here?

- Uh, excuse me,

could I have your autograph? - Oh, it is him!

- My cousin Barbara is such a big fan!

- Oh, my God, your performance

on New Year's Eve was amazing!

- Can I have your autograph?

- Would you sign this for my wife?

- Lord have mercy!

- Could you sign my shopping list?

- Could you sign this for me, please?

- Can I have your autograph? - I'm such a huge fan.

- Can I have your autograph.

- You are so awesome, dude.

- Could I have your autograph?

- I wish I had the balls to do what you did!

- Can I have your autograph?

- Could you sign this for me?

Please?

- May I have your autograph?

- Please, can I have your autograph?

Please.

- I wish it could have worked out, Shane.

I really do.

You're a good guy.

You're just way too famous now.

It'd be totally disruptive to our business.

- Hello, Shane.

Is everything all right?

- I've decided to take you up on your offer

and work for the NSA.

- Well how soon can you relocate here to Maryland?

- Can't I work out here in the L.A. office?

- Oh, no, we're downsizing our staff there.

The only openings we have right now are here at Ft. Meade.

We might have an opening in Augusta soon.

- No, I can't relocate right now.

My mother isn't well.

Maybe when she's better

in a month or so I'd consider moving.

But I can't leave her right now the way she is.

- Mom, what's wrong?

What's the matter?

- Doctor, doctor say I have cancer.

- What?

- We have to sell the house for the treatments.

- No, Mom, you're not gonna sell the house.

I'm going to take care of you

like you've always taken care of me.

Okay?

Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- Oh!

Come off.

Oh, come, uhh, my yoga pants are stuck

in this thing-a-ma-jig on your leg.

Can't you take it off?

- No, I can't, it's part

of my doctoral dissertation in Anklenomics.

- Anklenomics?

- It's a relatively new field.

Uh, it's hard to get a scholarship

in this field because, uh, nobody wants to foot the bill.

- Shane Antar?

- Yes?

- LAPD.

You're under arrest!

- For what?

Telling jokes with bad punch lines?

- No.

Parole violation.

Tampering with a GPS tracking device.

- Ah, Anklenomics, my ass!

- I'm sorry I lied, Karol.

It was a misfired attempt at getting

into your yoga pants without having to endure anymore

downward-facing-dog.

Brrrrrr!

- Well, I mean, if you wanted to get

into my yoga pants so bad, why didn't you just say so!

Instead of pulling the wool over my eyes.

- Can I see some ID, mam?

- Anklenomics, ah!

Oh, sure, I'm an ankler, I'm studying anklenomics.

Anklenomics, anklenomics!

Anklenomics, who would have thought?

- Hold it!

- Hey!

You can't go fishing in my sock drawer like that!

- Why not?

- Because that's where I keep my, sock puppet!

- I just doing my job.

Searching for weapons.

- Hey.

- Hey, what's this?

- That's not a weapon!

That's a banana creme pie!

- Hey, in the wrong hands,

anything can become a weapon.

- My parole officer's right.

Even a banana cream pie can become weaponized.

- Let's add assaulting a parole officer

to that list of crimes.

- Let's make that assault with a deadly weapon.

- Well, I didn't know a banana cream pie could be deadly.

- Well, it is if you're allergic to bananas.

- Bye bye.

- Is someone there?

- There's a van backing into our driveway.

I hope it's not another crazed fan.

I'll check it out.

- Oh, okay.

Be careful, Shane.

- Hemorrhoids flaring up again, Bob?

- Yeah, no bike ride for me this weekend.

- Excuse me, can I help you?

- Yes, we could use a little manly help.

- Indeed.

- Octavia.

Brin.

- Happy Valentine's Day!

- She kept her word.

- Of course.

- She always keeps her word.

- Where do you want these?

- Let's put 'em in the garage for now.

- After we're done unloading these,

we'll drop you off at her new address.

- Did you miss me, darling?

- Terribly.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh!

Oh, I love roses!

You know, out of all the flowers in the world

roses are my favorite.

- I was starting to think I'd never hear from you again.

- No way.

I would never let that happen to our love.

Our love, it's just beginning.

Unfolding is probably the better English word to use.

Our love is one they will be writing

about for ages.

We will be right up there with Marc Antony and Cleopatra.

With Nicholas and Alexandra.

Shane and Tanya.

- Tanya?

- Cami Fawlkes was just my nom de guerre.

My real name is Tanya Diaghileva.

- Okay.

Well, Tanya, thank you for keeping your promise

about the money.

Soon as my contract expires in May,

I'm gonna quit that ridiculous Realitcom!

- No!

You will stay with it for all three seasons.

More if the ratings are still good by then.

You need to stay in the public eye, Shane.

Gam Cam Guy is just a springboard for bigger

and better things.

This shitcom is all part of the essential plan.

- I'm not robbing any more banks with you,

Cami, I mean, Tanya.

- Banks?

Phew.

Banks!

We are so beyond banks, darling.

We are now painting on the big canvas.

The world is our oyster and with you and I as a team

there is no limit as to what we can do.

First, we get married.

Then you run for open Senate seat here in California.

You will win of course because of your popularity from TV.

Then you will publish a book called

"Make America Rich Again, For Good."

I already had a mock-up of the cover done.

It will be a best seller.

Yeah.

Then you run for president.

You will be the first Asian-American president

and I will be the first openly bisexual First Lady.

- A menage e trois in the Oval Office.

What a concept.

- Besides that, think of all of the good we could do

in such a place of power.

So, are you down for it, Shane?

- Cami?

- Tanya.

- Sorry, old habits die hard.

Tanya?

- Da?

- Will you marry me?

- Da, darling.

Da.

- Good answer.

Let's seal the deal.

Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk) www.opensubtitles.org