Original subtitles

Blessings!

- Fuck! Fuck! I hit a dog!

Okay, here we go.

Stop it!

What the fuck happened to Bandit?

- Peppy! - Colin!

This woman just flashed her tit at me, actually,

so, yes, I hit a dog.

Do you think Collie's gonna have trouble adjusting?

To what?

Back to us.

Like, 'cause he had a home and family...

Sorry, what... what are you saying?

Well, just help adapting.

I'm not a therapist, but...

You want to get a dog therapist?

No, but maybe there's, like, some trust-building exercises we can do.

I don't know, like, just to make him feel safe.

Oh man, your generation is obsessed with therapy and safety

and talking.

"My gen..."

Why are you being an arsehole?

I'm not. I made you a coffee, what?

You've barely looked at me all morning.

What are you talking about? I'm staring at you right now.

Oh, good, yeah.

This is some gaslighting bullshit.

Yeah. Gaslighting. That's another one you guys love.

Gordon, stop it.

We've finally got him back and now you're all miserable.

I don't get it. What's going on?

I'm sorry, Ash. It's not you.

I've gotta go to work.

And I'm annoyed, so.

I thought you had the morning off.

Yeah, so did I.

But, um, uh...

Brett's yeast is, um...

Yeah. No.

Well, this is bad.

Ah!

Mmm!

Mmm-hmm!

Sorry, is it your lunchtime?

Always.

So, what's going on, dear boy?

How likely do you think it is

that I could naturally get a woman pregnant?

Give it the old college try, did you, old boy?

Well...

Got some bacon in the drawer, hey?

Harbouring a fugitive, are we?

- Okay. - Come out, come out!

We've got you surrounded.

Can we stop it for a sec?

It's just that remember you told me

that my sperm count was so low that it was virtually non-existent?

Do you remember? You said that to me.

That may be so, Gordon.

But Gordy, Gordy, one must always use a prophylactic!

- A sheath! - Totally.

You know what? Is it possible to maybe look at my file

and you could just tell me what my exact count is?

Is that a thing that you...?

It's just that I think that this woman maybe has it wrong,

and I just want to give her some cold facts.

Ooh, some girls don't like those.

Be that as it may, I'd love to get some information for myself.

I'd like to help you, Gordon,

but my computer isn't on.

Can you turn it on?

It takes a while to warm up.

Uh, how long have you been here?

Forty-two years come April.

- Today. I meant today. - Oh!

A couple of hours? I don't know.

Could you just turn it on?

Sorry. Could you just... is that okay?

Would that be okay?

Well, I'd have to plug it in first.

Well, why the f... isn't it plugged in?

- Now, Gordy, Gordy. - Christ.

I could give you some numbers, some cold, hard, facts, if you like.

- Great.

But it sounds to me like you have a miracle baby here.

But it sounds to me like you have a miracle baby here.

Can we not say "miracle baby"?

Oh, et bien.

Le bebe miracle! Eh?

Eh? Eh?

- I just thought this would be an easy...

Nothing is easy with a Hewlett-Packard, Gordon.

Thank you for that.

Uh...

did Dr Bruce tell you anything?

About...?

Himself.

Oh, he mentioned he was going on long service leave.

Oh, right.

Okay. That's what he's saying.

Is that not the case?

Oh yes, yes, there is no scandal.

Okay. Thank you.

Meggles, have you got a sec?

Walk and talk, baby. Walk and talk.

Gordon has got the ick. He's gone all weird.

Yesterday you had the ick.

No, I didn't, I was just questioning everything.

No, I didn't, I was just questioning everything.

But I think I'm annoying him.

Oh, that's not so bad.

But I'm not annoying.

You can be, but I would argue that this is a good sign.

How? I mean, I just moved in with the guy.

No, Ash, this is your fear talking.

- Is it? - Yeah, 'cause it's real. It's honest.

Annoying each other is the first true sign of intimacy.

This is from that relationship book I sent.

Honestly, they're so good.

Yeah, it's good.

Megan, ooh, what have we got here?

Ah, building site accident.

I'm delivering the arm from the ED to the theatre for replantation.

Was that always an arm?

- Yeah. - Never a baby?

Bassinette?

Very creative thinking. I'm impressed, Meg.

Well, thanks, Gene. It was too long for the fingers and hands Esky,

so, yeah.

But, um, I have to kind of keep moving 'cause nerve endings and whatnot, so.

- Thanks.

Thinking outside the box.

Now, you could do with some of that.

Swear I saw a baby.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Just checking, is this milk pasteurised?

I'm not sure.

It's fine. It is.

It's fine. It is.

- How do you know? - It's obviously pasteurised.

We're not on a farm.

It, ah... would look like

a cup of vomit, wouldn't it?

Oh.

Well, I'm pregnant, so I am just checking.

All good.

Because I'm pregnant.

Congratulations.

Thank you! Thanks.

You're just telling anyone now?

It's a big deal at my age. Don't be mean.

Yvette, I don't really know how to say this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

I really don't think that this child is mine.

So, have you been seeing anybody else?

No. No one.

Really?

Just you.

Yvette, I had testicular cancer, okay?

So my sperm count is so low

that really, my only chance of becoming a father

is IVF or adoption.

Well, this is a miracle baby, Gordon.

A double miracle seeing as I'm in my forties.

I don't think you're listening to me, Yvette.

I mean, we did give it a pretty good nudge a few months ago.

I... I feel like...

Gordon, just relax, okay?

I'm not trying to trap you. I don't want anything from you.

I'm not trying to trap you. I don't want anything from you.

Don't you?

Just think you've actually forgotten

that we have a really great time together.

Do you remember the Hunter Valley?

- Yeah. It was great. - Yeah.

What about salsa classes? You were getting pretty good.

- I was... I was all right. - You were very good.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

So, you know, just finish up your fling and...

we'll be here.

Oh! I was thinking "Keith".

That's my middle name.

I know.

I'll be right back.

Love you.

Um...

Thanks for meeting me.

- It sounded serious.

Well, I mean...

Mm.

Yeah, there's not, ah...

It's not an easy thing to say, so I'll just say it.

It's not an easy thing to say, so I'll just say it.

I moved in too fast.

No, no, no. No.

I'm annoying you.

No, you're not.

- No, you say... - No, no, no, Ash.

Yvette is pregnant

and she says that it's mine.

Flash!

- Gene!

Ooh, you look so good!

So do you. God, man, hey.

Still rocking the overalls, man. Nothing's changed.

Well, you nail a look, you stick with it.

- Yep.

- Hello, Ashley.

Oh, that's right, of course, you two know each other.

- Yeah. We're actually together.

Oh, Dr Molden, how about that?

No, you got a good one here.

We all had crushes on Flash in the chemo hall in the men's group.

Oh, no, no, stop it. Stop it.

Um, awesome, man.

- So good to see you. I'll... - You catch up with the guys?

- I don't. I don't. I should. - Oh, that's a shame.

You know, we should get together.

You know, fishing trip or poker night.

- Poker night. - Yep.

We should. We should. Anyway...

- How's the cat? - What cat?

- Don't you have a cat? - Nup.

- I think you're thinking of... - Ugh, no, I am!

- I'm thinking of Phil. - Phil.

- Yes, Phil's got the cat. - Yes, he does.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Was he just cat-sitting?

Oh, wow, yeah. Not sure. Not sure.

- Anyhoo. - Anyway.

- Yep. - Doesn't matter.

- So.

Good to see ya.

- Tim died. - Did he?

Yes. Oh, yeah, he was fine. Remission.

- Went in for his annual checkup... - Yup.

And, boom, lit up like a Christmas tree.

- Oh, fuck, I didn't know that. - Yup.

- Christmas time, too, which is so sad.

- Yeah.

That's probably why I said Christmas tree.

Christmas, Christmas.

- Yeah, yeah. - Anyhoodley.

- Check you later. - Yup.

And, ah...

Look at her face.

Never seen a guy sport a beret before, Ashley?

I am cool, you know.

Okay, brother.

- Check ya, bro. - Check ya.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna call you, give you a tingle, and...

- You on the same number? - I am.

- See? Always the same. - Yeah.

- Okay.

All right, Flashy. Flash mob.

- Flash mob.

- Flash mob.

See ya, Gene.

Ash, are you okay?

I just need you to know that I never...

I never thought I'd ever be able to get anybody pregnant.

And... and people are saying "miracle baby",

which is a term I don't like at all,

but... I do want to do the right thing.

You know, whatever that is.

So, if this is mine,

and we need to find that out,

I can't just walk away.

You know, I need to grow up at some point.

Don't I?

Sorry,

how much did you have sex?

Is that important right now?

Uh, you told me

that it wasn't a very physical thing with her.

All things are physical. What do you mean?

But if your chances of getting someone pregnant are that low,

then... you must have given it a pretty good crack.

Not really because whether we had sex once or a thousand times,

Not really because whether we had sex once or a thousand times,

each individual chance was very low.

Oh, okay, Sportsbet.

Can you not drag me over the coals here?

It's... this is before you and I got together.

This... this might be too much for me, actually.

Oh...

Ugh. I've got to go back in.

Ash...

- Come on. - Congratulations.

Ciggie?

Yeah, man. Actually, that'd be great.

No, do you have one?

No, I don't. Sorry, man.

So, she walked off and you followed her?

No, I thought she wanted space.

Durr Burger!

Rule 462 of How To Not Be A Fuckhead:

When you tell your girlfriend you got your ex pregnant...

- But did I, though? - You follow her.

Thank you.

So, you've been spreading your seed for years

thinking you were shooting blanks.

- Classic male. - Oh, is it?

Sorry, she who hates all men now.

And they are blanks.

Well, then I guess you got yourself...

- Don't say miracle baby. - A miracle baby.

Fuck ya.

Your chickens are coming home to roost, mate.

- Oh yeah? - Yup.

'Cause your chickens need help with their homework

and you're at a fuckin' k.d. lang concert

jiving out in the mosh pit in your fuckin' Doc Martens.

Sorry.

We really need to update your references.

- I'd bloody love that. - Okay.

Oh, speaking of babies...

That's so sweet.

- Total breach of our license. - Oh, but...

Hey, sorry, guys.

- Brett is onto it. - Yeah, no minors.

- Aw, leave 'em. - What?

If she was eating a meal it'd be okay, but, you know.

Sorry, she's three months old.

How is she supposed to eat a meal?

Ah, it's all right, Jules, we'll, um...

We'll just... we'll order something.

- We actually don't do proper meals. - Hey, guys.

So, it's not like she's gonna order a fuckin' drink, all right?

This is fuckin' ridiculous, all right?

- It's fuckin' ridiculous. - Okay, easy.

No, it's not easy! Okay?!

We haven't been out of the house for like 12 fuckin' weeks!

We haven't been out of the house for like 12 fuckin' weeks!

And now that she's not fuckin' crying,

I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to go grab a drink."

But no, this fuckin' country with its fuckin' rules

and your dumb fuckin' brewery!

I've fuckin' had it!

And I'm taking this!

Jules...

It's shit beer!

- Sorry, mate. - Sorry, man.

Ah, it's... it's all good.

Rules are rules, right?

It's just been... tough.

For her and me.

Um... yeah.

Babies are fucked.

- I'm not sure, hey.

- You could... nup.

Bless you.

Man.

That looks fuckin' horrible. I don't want that.

Yeah, it doesn't look easy.

You should be grateful. At least you know about yours now.

You know, my mate?

His missus had one of those, what do you call them?

Toilet babies.

- Toilet babies? - Yeah.

Thought it was a gluten intolerance.

Turned out,

nine-pound baby.

Well, that's really helpful. Thanks, Bretty.

You're welcome.

Gordo, look at me.

You're gonna be a great dad.

All right?

Father is a verb.

And when you keep doing the verb

you become the noun.

- Did you make that up? - Yeah, I did.

You're across nouns and verbs and all that?

I won the English prize in Year 10, you fuckwit.

Sorry, man. Nah, that's all right.

That's really beautiful, Bretty.

Thank you.

You're a good friend.

I know. Back to work.

All right, boss.

- Ah...

If it isn't the fruit of my love's luscious loins.

Lee...

No.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

You're... so, you're back here?

- Mm? - Huh?

Oh, yes, no, the seminar only lasted a couple of days.

Seminar?

Yes. Linguistics.

Just me and Australia's top cunning linguists.

Thought Mum kicked you out.

You thought, you thought.

"I thought I had a think, that's what I thunk!"

Mm, that's what she told me.

No.

Red wine? White wine?

Icy pole?

No, thank you. I'll just wait for Mum in the kitchen.

Ah, bup bup bup!

You will find the third Williams sister on the court.

- Okay. - Allow me.

No, I know where it is.

Thank you.

I mean, we were just getting off the ground, you know, Mum?

Seeing if, like, we actually work together.

And now what? I'm supposed to be a stepmum?

Well, that doesn't make me a grandmother.

Well, that doesn't make me a grandmother.

- What? - It doesn't.

Can this be

about me, please, right now?

Poor Gordon.

He's gonna need a strong woman by his side, Ashley-Marie.

What about what I need?

God.

That's enough, Denise.

Clean up now.

Darling, men need champions right now.

I mean, look what happened to poor Lee.

He got fired for being inappropriate with his students online.

That witch preyed on him!

Anyway, I've taken away his phone and his computer.

He's totally analogue now.

Just needs a tight leash, that's all.

He had an iPad with him at the front door.

Oh, that's just for his word games.

His word games online?

Men's mental health is very delicate now.

The suicide rate just went up again.

You sound like a men's rights activist.

Maybe I am.

On the bright side, darling,

running around after little ones

is a great way of keeping the weight off.

Is a great way of keeping the weight off.

I was a size 6 when you were two.

So, pregnant, are we?

Thought you were looking a little ripe.

No, Gordon's got a girl in trouble.

Ooh! Tin roof rusted!

Lee, can I just talk to my mum?

"Stepmother likes to punish."

Click, like, subscribe, download.

Okay, you two are fucked. You're fucked.

I just don't know why I came here. Why do I ever come here?

Denise?

My racquet needs re-stringing again.

The tension is pathetic.

- Sorry. - Don't touch me, hey?

Ash?

You awake?

I am awake.

Oh, for fuckin'... I asked!

Oh, for fuckin'... I asked!

Did you ask because you wanted to talk or fart?

I wanted to talk,

but seeing as you were asleep, I decided I'd fart.

This stinks.

I'm going downstairs.

Why did you do it?

The... the fart or...

or the Yvette situation?

Both.

- Hey. - Morning.

This is nice.

Please.

- You want to talk? - Yeah.

Let's talk.

Okay.

Uh...

So listen, I think...

Well, I know...

I've spent a huge chunk of my life dodging responsibilities, to be honest

And, um, I think this is probably one that I should face up to.

If it is one at all.

But you are very important to me now, Ash,

so... what do you think?

I really just want us to work, Gordy.

So do I, Ash.

The fact that you're owning all of this

does make me feel better about everything.

But the situation itself is completely fucked.

Like, it complicates my life hugely.

Yeah.

But maybe that's what being in a grownup relationship is.

I don't know. Maybe I've never been in one.

What do you think Yvette wants exactly?

Well, I mean, I think she's a bit dismissive of this.

So, you know, getting her over that is probably a first step.

So, you know, getting her over that is probably a first step.

Dismissive? Of... of me?

Well, she's waiting, I think,

you know, for this to be...

over.

Are you joking? Is that what she said?

In so many words, yeah.

She said that?

Yeah, she did.

Huh.

That's what she said?

Yeah, Ash. Yeah. I think she did.

Hmm.

Huh.

That's funny.

Lisa? Hi, Yvette, please.

I want to speak to Yvette.

- Which vet? We have several. - No!

- Don't do that. We've done this one. - Shh!

- No, we are not doing that either. - Okay, let's...

- Dr Yvette is in surgery right now. - Listen to me.

I want to speak to that woman right now, please.

Ooh, silky bantam?

We're good. Thanks, mate.

I really just want to talk to Yvette.

- I believe she's operating right now. - Shh.

Well, there you go. Let's sit down. Let's take a breath.

- Don't manage me. - No, no. Sorry.

Hey, would you two like a water or something?

We're fine, thank you. Sorry, mate. I'm Gordon.

Gordon? With the little guy with the wheels?

- That's right! - Fabulous.

- Yeah.

- You are in excellent hands with Yvette.

- Great. - Oh, here she is. Woman of the hour.

- Great. - Oh, here she is. Woman of the hour.

- What is going on? - We need to talk, Yvette.

Do we, though? Because my business is with Gordon.

Not sure that it is.

Better cut your claws, ma'am.

Oh! So sorry.

Here's the thing, okay?

- No, we are not doing this here. - He and...

I'm so sorry, Pam.

Follow me.

Oh, sorry, Pam.

Sorry, Pam.

You have five minutes.

I'm about to de-sex a Burmese. Right?

Ashley, what is your problem?

I'm not going anywhere, okay?

So, if you are gonna have a baby with Gordon,

you are gonna have it with me.

Hey, sorry, bub.

Geraldine's actually going into labour, so she could be a bit erratic.

- "Bub"? - Who's Geraldine?

The python over there.

- Are you two a thing? - Ugh...

- Ah... - Oops.

Oh, no... Not really.

- How long's this been going on?

So sorry, why is the snake out of her cage?

- Couple of months. - Not very long.

But officially, pretty recent.

I don't think that these two should be in the same room together.

So, there is a chance that this kid isn't mine.

No, hang on a moment

- because you can be... - Hold on.

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Oh my God!

Oh, calm down, Micah.

You were so fuckin' sure that it was mine, Yvette.

- I am. - Are you?

Were you or were you not seeing this guy

at the same time you were seeing me?

- Don't remember. - Yes, you do.

I... all right!

Maybe there is a chance that it's his.

His or mine, I will always be there.

I don't know about dates and times.

I'm just a woman trying to live. Okay?

I'm a woman in her forties who wants to be a mum.

My sisters can do it.

My younger fuckin' sisters!

My mum's breathing down my neck.

"Yvette, why are you married to your cats and dogs?"

"Why are you such a fat, fuckin' loser?"

And here I am

at 12 weeks

for the first time in my fuckin' life

at 43 years of age.

Why can't I have a baby with someone who I actually like?

Why don't you like him? There's nothing wrong with him.

Because he's boring!

- Micah, you're boring. - Am I?

- Micah, you're boring. - Am I?

Oh, that's news to me.

It shouldn't be!

When was the last time that you and I did anything remotely fun?!

We like going bouldering.

I hate bouldering!

You like bouldering!

Bouldering sucks!

It's not even a boulder, it's inside,

and you've got calloused hands and your stupid pointy shoes!

They're disgusting! I hate them!

Anyway...

I'd love to... I'll...

- Yeah, we should go. - Yeah.

- 'Cause of the... - I think so.

Hey, ah, congratulations.

Thanks, buddy. Lots to talk about, obviously.

Not really. Not for me.

I'm done here. Um...

Yvette, I'm sorry that you felt the need to try...

Oi, nah, nah. Text it.

Get out of my practice.

Trying. It's on your foot.

I know it's on my fuckin' foot, you child.

So, I propose we go inside,

we get Colin,

and then we go to a bar and get drunk

with our dog.

That sounds amazing.

- Let's do it. - Yeah.

Um, wait.

At what point in the courting process

do you usually tell the girl that you can't have kids?

Uh, yes...

Ah, are you the girl?

Yes, I'm the girl.

Yeah, okay, well, I would say now.

All right, then do it.

Can't have kids.

Yikes.

- Yeah.

- How do you feel about that? - Um...

Maybe a little bit sad?

But also, do I want to be a mum? I don't know.

Big thoughts. Big, big questions.

Is it a dealbreaker?

I think I'd rather have you

I think I'd rather have you

and maybe not have kids

than be with some guy who can have them.

I think I'd rather be with you.

That's beautiful.

- Maybe. - I'll take it.

I'll take a maybe. Let's go.

- I have a big question though. - Hit me.

Why... was that snake...

- Oh! - Out of its cage?

Yes! I don't know but I've been thinking about it.

- And I think... - Dropped your keys.

I think maybe it's to bring on labour.

Yeah, bring on labour. That's the only thing that makes sense.

But you know what? I thought a pregnant snake would be like...

like one bump, like...

Like a skinny lady.

Yeah! Like eating a big meal, or...

Nah, they're all stacked vertic...

No, like lengthways, the eggs. 'Cause I looked it up.

- Are they? - Yup.

And they just pop out like a Pez dispenser?

- Yeah. - Straight out of the cloaca.

What?

Cloaca?

Cloaca!

That's the one thing. That's the one hole.

That does everything.

That's the anus, that's the vagina, that's the lot.

Mate, get yourself a cloaca. You got it sorted.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make an appointment with a plastic surgeon.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make an appointment with a plastic surgeon.