Original subtitles

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Good evening, parents,

and welcome once again

to Uncle Alfred's Story Book.

We thought it would be refreshing

to present a children's program at night

after the little darlings were in bed,

so that adults could watch it undisturbed

and without all that peanut butter on the picture tube.

Tonight's fairytale comes to you slightly expurgated.

We felt that there were certain parts of it

unsuitable for adults.

Therefore, we have cut that part where the stepmother

is forced to dance in red-hot metal shoes,

and the scene where the prettiest daughter

has her hands cut off,

as well as the bit about the old servant

being turned into a toad.

We also omitted the part where the dwarf

falls into the boiling cauldron,

where the raven plucks out the king's eyes,

and where the magic staff beats the old witch to a pulp.

Admittedly, our story has lost some of its punch,

but we deem the deletions necessary, because adults

just don't have the same sense of humor as their children.

And now...

"Once upon a time, there was a wicked old king.

Three-timed, each half hour,

he would look into the glass in his living room and ask,

'Mirror, mirror on the wall,

whose product is the best of all?'

And the mirror would answer..."

(piano playing)

(indistinct conversations)

*

(laughing)

It's very kind of you, my dear.

Thank you, my dear.

I'd like to give more parties,

but I find them a little sad now.

The old order is passing.

I don't want to alarm you, Mrs. Bedsole,

but Virgilia is out in the garden with a man,

and it's not her husband.

I do wish she'd show a little discretion in her flirtations.

I rather suspect there's something more than that.

She's with her ex-husband.

Cam?

Oh, this is too bad of him.

I'm going to have to speak to that nephew of mine.

I'm afraid the damage is done.

Her husband has been drinking and might get violent.

Well, don't just sit here, Albert.

Get out there and tell Virgilia to behave herself.

Yes, of course.

*

(giggling)

Sorry to intrude.

(leaves rustling)

Oh, Albert, you did give me quite a start.

No doubt.

Good evening, Cam.

Well, Albert.

How are you, old man?

Very fit.

I hated to break in, but I thought Virgilia should know

her present husband is showing signs of becoming disagreeable.

Oh, is he drinking too much?

I should say he is just one drink away

from coming out to find you.

Oh, Cam, you'd better run along.

Joseph gets very upset about things like this.

Well, since I am a devout coward,

goodnight, one and all.

(crickets chirping)

Yes, I think you should go in.

Oh, Albert, you're always my knight in shining armor.

You're one of those enduring things of a crazy world.

(crickets chirping)

Oh, here you are.

I've turned the place upside down looking for you.

Sure you have.

Who helped you look?

I think it's just about time we started home now,

don't you, dear?

Why?

Is the party over?

Who were you outside with?

Let's don't make a scene now, Joseph.

-I want to know who he is! -Joseph!

(indistinct chatter)

You were gone for over an hour.

You're being unreasonable, dear.

Those are old childhood friends of mine,

and I haven't seen them since we were married.

It's only natural that I'd want to talk to as many as possible.

Virgie?

Yes, dear?

I don't want to cut you off from your friends.

Just because we're married, there's no reason to--

Well, I mean, you go ahead and see anybody you want anytime.

I want you to keep your old friends.

Well, that's very sweet of you, dear.

I'd--I'd like to be friends with them, too.

Virgie, I'll tell you what, why don't we--

why don't we have somebody over for dinner Friday night?

Anybody you want.

Well, that's a very nice idea,

but are you sure that you wouldn't mind?

Yeah, I'd like it.

I really would.

Well, that's wonderful.

And I know just who I'll invite.

Oh?

A very old admirer.

*

Good.

*

Albert, how nice to see you.

And you, my dear, as lovely as ever.

Woohoo, you have a little bald spot.

It would be comforting to find some small mark of time on you,

but you haven't changed since your first dancing class.

Dear Albert.

Do you realize that it has been almost a year

since you were here last?

It's not quite the same now, you know.

Your ex-husband didn't--

Didn't seem to mind an old admirer calling,

but I'm not so sure about this one.

Oh, this is Joseph's idea to have you to dinner.

Come on.

Joseph, you remember Albert, don't you?

Sure, how are you, Al?

Good to see you.

What are you drinking, Manhattan or whiskey?

Uh, would you have any sherry?

Sherry?

(laughing)

Oh, yeah, sure.

I guess there's some around the house somewhere.

Well, make yourself at home, Al.

Any friend of Virgie's, you know.

(laughing)

Oh, dinner will be ready shortly.

I just want to talk and talk and talk.

There's so much to catch up on,

I feel as though if I'd been away.

Thank you.

What have you been doing, Albert?

Oh, life goes on pretty much the same.

Civic committees, charity lunches, that sort of thing.

And you just love that, don't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

It gives one a sense of permanency.

(thudding)

What's that?

Oh, that's the scaffolding banging against the house.

I'm having it repainted and those fools were too lazy

to take it down when they quit for the day.

They couldn't know the wind was going to blow, Joseph.

Virgie, they're just too lazy to take it down, that's all!

-Don't get upset, Joseph. -Who's upset?

Dinner is served, ma'am.

Thank you, Flora.

Come on, Al, let's eat.

I'm for progress, Al.

I believe in keeping up property values,

and that doesn't mean septic tanks, that means--

-Sewers. -That's right!

They're an absolute--

Albert, would you like some more coffee?

Uh, no, thank you.

I've had enough.

Well, I'll have another cup.

Joseph's made a lot of improvements

around the house, too.

You should just see the wrought iron furniture

that he made for the garden with his own hands.

I don't think Al's interested in my hobbies.

Oh, quite the contrary.

Let me show them to you, then.

Oh, Joseph will be out soon as he finishes his coffee,

won't you, Joseph?

Yes, yes, you two run along.

Oh, Virgie, I'll bring your coat out.

It's probably a little cool out there.

(heels clicking)

(crickets chirping)

See that?

-With his own hands. -Mhm.

Come on, I'll show you the forge.

By all means.

Albert, have you heard anything about Cam and me lately?

Should there be?

Well, I hope not, but I've been seeing quite a lot of him.

Good heavens, what for?

Albert, you never lose your aplomb, do you?

Well, what do you expect me to say?

"Good luck"?

"Carry on"?

But you don't mean that, because you don't approve, do you?

You can hardly expect me to condone it.

On the other hand, I must confess,

I have a lot more respect for Cam

than I do for Joseph Pond.

Albert, you just can't imagine how it's been lately.

It's like living with an adage.

All work and no play.

Joseph has laboriously constructed my happiness

ever since we were married.

Sometimes--

Sometimes I just feel like I don't want to go on living.

Now, my dear.

You should have married me, Albert.

You must know I've always been very fond of you.

Oh, dear Albert.

I'm afraid you prefer to have a woman on your arms,

rather than one in them.

It seems that everything I say to you comes out

in the form of advice, but I wondered if you've considered

the danger of what you're doing.

My impression of your husband

is that he could become rather violent.

Primitive is the word, isn't it?

Oh, Albert, what should I do?

I can think of only one possible solution.

Stop seeing Cam.

Oh, Albert, I knew you'd say that.

Just knew it!

There's the forge!

-That's the forge. -That's the forge.

Would you like to go and listen to some

high fidelity recordings?

*

-Albert? -Hmm?

Oh.

(door rattling)

Oh, blast, the latch is on.

(door banging)

Virgilia!

(gasping)

(crashing)

Virgilia?

*

Virgilia!

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The doctor said she's gonna be all right.

He gave her a slight sedative.

Oh, in all the excitement, I forgot to thank you.

You saved her life, Al.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

What I don't understand is how the rope could break.

It's new, brand new.

A good half-inch thick.

That didn't break, it's frayed through.

Must have been a sliver of iron from the pulley.

Sure, you can see where it's worn away.

Probably the wind and the weight of the plank

broke these last few strands.

Uh, I think we both need a drink, Al.

18.

19.

20.

(grunting)

I'm getting out of condition.

I've got no wind.

(breathing heavily)

I'd better start watching myself.

No wind.

(panting)

No wind!

There was no wind when the scaffold fell.

Why did Joseph say there was a wind?

*

(phone dialing)

*

Hello, Virgilia?

Albert.

Are you all right?

A bit dopey, but fully recovered.

I'm sorry about the way I folded on you last night.

I mean, really all right.

Of course.

It's very sweet of you to call.

I'm always such a bother to people.

Virgilia, have any other accidents

happened to you recently?

One is quite enough, thank you.

What do you mean, Albert?

Oh, nothing really.

I do worry about you, you know.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Martin.

Good evening, Flora.

-I believe I'm expected. -Oh, yes, indeed.

Mrs. Pond called a little while ago.

She's sorry she'd been detained, but she'll be here shortly.

And how is Mr. Pond, this evening?

He's napping, sir.

Shall I tell him you're here?

I think I'll wait until Mrs. Pond gets here.

Yes, sir.

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(scratching)

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Hm.

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Mrs. Bedsole, Joseph Pond is going to murder Virgilia.

Albert, I know Virgilia is an exasperating young woman.

I told you, I saw it!

Are you referring to that wretched business

about the scaffolding?

Yes.

He's going to try arsenic next.

I saw a container of it in his workshop,

but it's missing now!

I hope you're not letting your imagination run away with you.

At this very moment, Joseph Pond is lying in his bed

recovering from what the doctor diagnosed as ptomaine.

I tell you, Mrs. Bedsole, I know it's arsenic poisoning!

He intended it for her, but accidently took it himself.

I suppose it's because of this ridiculous business with Cam.

The problem is how to protect Virgilia.

That's what the police are for.

No, no, no, that wouldn't do.

I told you I've no proof.

I would think once this man, Pond,

knew the police were aware of his intentions,

that would be sufficient to stop him.

But then it would all become public knowledge,

and think of what that would do to a woman like Virgilia.

Albert, you must confront this man, Pond.

I?

You want to help Virgilia, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Yes, I believe you're right.

I will simply make it clear that I am watching him,

so he won't dare go ahead with his plan.

*

(doorbell ringing)

*

Albert!

Flora said you'd come and gone.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here.

How is your husband?

Well, I don't know, I haven't been up yet.

I just got home.

I'd like to have a word with him.

Well, come along.

Albert, I think you better let me wake him up first.

*

Oh, you're awake.

Albert came to see you.

Well, that was nice of you, Al.

Good evening, how do you feel?

Well, good as new.

Doc says I can get up tomorrow.

Wants me to take some time off.

Go hunting or some silly thing like that.

Might not be such a bad thing.

Well, that's what I've been telling him.

Darling, you really do work too hard.

Well, if you come along with me.

I don't think I'm the campfire type.

Well, I can't quite picture myself

going off into the wilderness all alone.

Well, what about you coming along, Al?

Hunting?

Well, if you don't care about hunting, what about some--

How about some surf-fishing?

I know a place just below the border

that's got the cleanest, whitest sand you've ever seen.

Of course, I haven't been there in 10 years,

but if the tourists haven't found it--

What do you think, Al?

Could you stand my company?

You know, it's not a bad notion.

It'll give us a chance to talk.

*

Yeah.

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Of all the stupid things to do,

go and leave the coffee pot at home.

You sure you didn't leave it in the car?

Yeah, I looked everywhere.

I just forgot to pack it, that's all.

Well, we'll simply have to make the best of it with a can.

Well, it will be a pretty strong brew, but it'll be coffee.

Oh, I wonder why we give up all this,

all this peace,

simply to crowd ourselves into cities.

Probably to get a good cup of coffee.

But do we gain anything worthwhile?

Protection mostly.

Protect property.

That comes first.

That's the main reason families herded together into cities.

(waves crashing)

As a matter of fact, I'd still like to live on a ranch, Al,

but I can't get Virgie to sell that old barn.

That's one of the finest old homes on Bedsole Drive.

Old is right.

But you do agree that the irritations of the city

disappear out in the open.

It's the congestion.

That causes jealousy

and the unnatural deaths that follow.

What kind of deaths aren't natural?

Oh.

War, for example, and,

and murder, if you want to include the petty things.

Well, I've never thought much about murder being petty.

I mean, that most motives for murder are pretty slight

considering the penalty for it.

Well, that is if the murderer is caught,

but they never expect to be.

You mean, you think he'd give up the notion

if he knew he'd be caught?

Sure.

Unless he's a complete fool.

(water rushing)

I knew of a man who intended to commit a murder.

Do I know him?

I doubt it.

But he didn't go through with it?

No.

A third person, who was a friend

of both the intended murderer and his victim intervened.

How?

Well, being a practical fellow, this third person

invited the murderer to weigh the consequences

against the small satisfaction of killing his wife.

Why?

Was she unfaithful?

Yes, I believe that was the motive.

I thought so.

It's very similar to a situation I knew of.

The husband knew his wife was playing around,

and it hit him hard.

It's pretty funny in itself.

This fellow is kind of a--

Well, I guess you could call him a slob,

but he happens to love his wife.

The two stories aren't quite the same.

Oh, I think they are, Al.

You see, this fellow set out to protect his property.

Protect it, Al, not destroy it.

(waves crashing)

The way he did it was very simple.

He urged his wife to bring her friends to the house.

He was pretty sure who she'd bring.

Well, he was right.

He saw them together in the garden.

But no--no, that's not--

Let me finish.

This husband I'm talking about specializes in accidents.

Only he slipped up on his first attempt.

It seems this friend of his wife's was the gallant type.

You know, getting her chair,

lighting her cigarettes,

opening doors for her.

It was a cinch.

All my friend had to do was wait

for him to leap ahead of madam and open a door,

and there he'd be,

nobly bowing and scraping.

A great big target.

But for some reason Sir Galahad was lagging.

His wife almost got it instead,

but the second time around,

he made no mistakes.

He got his wife's lover to go camping with him

in a very lonely place.

He arranged for another accident to take place.

It seems they boiled some coffee in a can.

*

Both men got arsenic poisoning,

but the husband had built up a tolerance against arsenic,

and I understand he's going to get well,

but there's no hope for the lover.

*

But it isn't me.

It's Cam.

Cam?

*

(crying)

Cam.

*

And everyone lived happily ever after.

I will admit, Albert might be an exception.

He didn't look at all well in that last scene,

but Pond lived on and on.

He's one of the happiest persons in the state penitentiary.

He works in the prison nursery.

So much for the magical world of make believe.

Now, for some grim realities,

after which I shall skip back.

I would like to add just one more commercial

before bidding adieu for another week.

Parents, are you looking for sand

for the kiddies to play in?

Why not buy the best?

Insist on Quick.

Q-U-I-C-K.

Quick sand.

Goodnight.

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