Original subtitles

*

*

Good evening.

It is always pleasant

to greet old customers.

As you know,

I have always been a great believer

that there is safety in numbers,

provided those numbers are preceded by dollar signs.

Working in a bank has also taught me

a great deal about people.

Most of them don't seem to be able to fill out

our withdrawal slips properly.

Here is one I handled recently,

a typical example.

He didn't even attempt to use our form,

but made one of his own.

At the top, he has printed,

"This is a hold-up."

Below that, he's written,

"Put $5,000 in a brown paper sack,

and hand it to me."

He didn't even sign his name,

but I honored it.

I recognized him as the president

of the bank across the street.

Tonight's drama is concerned with a bank.

The commercial is about money.

That's what our sponsor makes, you know.

*

*

Mr. Tritt.

Ah, thank you.

*

Mr. Logan.

*

-Colonel Binns. -Thank you.

Hmm.

Ham looks awfully fat this morning.

*

Mrs. Merrell!

Mrs. Merrell.

*

There's something wrong with this egg.

I beg your pardon, Colonel Binns?

This egg is fertile.

Well, really, Colonel Binns?

Would you mind getting the doorbell?

I'm sure it's a telegram for Mr. Tritt.

*

Could it be from your bank, Mr. Tritt?

Possibly they want to make you president.

(laughing)

Mr. Logan,

if that is another telegram from you,

I shall slap your face.

(silverware clanking)

(paper rustling)

*

When are you going to give me back my $200?

Mr. Logan, we had this all out 10 months ago.

I did not steal $200 from you.

You stole it and you know it.

Excuse me, Mr. Logan, we're both going to be late.

I had $324 in my hand that day.

When you entered the amount in my account, it was $124.

Remember, Mr. Logan,

my cash balanced when you came back and complained.

Well, of course it balanced.

You'd made a mistake in somebody else's account

and then you used my $200 to try to cover up your mistake.

You thought I was just an absent-minded professor

and I wouldn't notice.

Well, I did notice, Mr. Tritt, I did notice.

Mr. Logan, I'm going to go a long, long way in the bank.

I cannot afford to make a mistake.

I'll get you, Mr. Tritt.

I don't like to be had.

Goodbye, Mr. Logan.

*

Goodbye, Mr. Tritt.

*

Always happy to be of service.

Come see us again.

Goodbye.

(footsteps)

Mr. Pinkson.

Well, have a good Thanksgiving?

Yes, thanks.

I have some bonds I'd like to cash.

Sure, come in.

Cashing in quite a few, aren't you?

Well, yes.

My mother's in the hospital.

She had an operation about 10 months ago.

I've been sort of dipping into my bonds ever since.

Just a minute, I'll call Mr. Tritt.

-Mr. Tritt? -Yes, he does that now.

We've moved him up to the first cage.

Oh, he's an up-and-comer.

He'll be vice-president next.

Oh, Mr. Tritt, please.

Mr. Logan wants to cash some bonds.

Mr. Tritt will be right with you.

Thank you.

*

Oh yes, yes, I'm still listening.

*

*

*

*

*

Mr. Logan, I--

I understand you have some bonds you want to cash?

Are you all right?

Yes.

Yes, I'm fine.

You sure you don't want me to call a doctor?

No, I'm fine.

Mr. Logan, what is it?

I've never seen you look so happy before.

Yes.

Yes!

Mr. Logan.

Mr. Logan, don't you want to cash your bonds?

I'll be back.

I'll be back!

*

Yes, sir?

I need a gun.

For what age boy, sir?

Well, it's for me.

Oh, actually, I want a revolver.

It doesn't have to shoot or anything.

It just has to look real.

It's for a play.

Have you seen these plastic guns?

Does that look real?

All you have to do is hold it in the palm of your hand,

and you can make anyone believe.

Just hold it in the palm of your hand?

*

*

Mr. Logan, you want to cash those bonds now?

Yes, if you'd be so kind.

Very well, I'll get the bond chart.

*

*

Now let's see, there's 325.

That's $67 and 25 cents.

Perhaps, we'd just better double check to be sure.

$67 and 25 cents, exactly.

Thank you, Mr. Tritt.

Now, there is one more thing you can get for me, Mr. Tritt.

What's that?

$10,000 in $20 bills.

Ten thou--

*

You just go to your cage and get the money.

Come now, Mr. Logan.

Can't, can't we just talk this over?

Put the money in a bag,

bring it back and put it here on the table.

All right, Mr. Logan, you--

Just sit there, just sit right there.

I'll get it for you.

*

*

Mr. Pinkson?

Mr. Pinkson, call the guard.

He's got a gun in his pocket.

He's coming toward me.

*

I wasn't calling, the phone rang.

It rang for me.

*

Just a minute, I'll put it in a bag.

*

Okay, put your hands up!

Careful, Lewis, he's armed.

Mr. Logan, I'm sorry about this, but Mr. Tritt tells me

you have attempted an armed robbery.

Mr. Tritt tells you?

Mr. Tritt, I fear, is suffering from some persecution complex.

Get his gun, Lewis.

Why, he don't have a gun, Mr. Tritt.

Of course he has.

It's right in his overcoat pocket.

Let--whoa--

I'll take it off, Mr. Tritt.

Mr. Tritt, are you quite certain you saw it?

Because if you didn't, this is rather embarrassing.

It's perfectly all right, Mr. Pinkson.

I won't sue.

It's here.

It's got to be here!

It's got to be here somewhere.

Mr. Pinkson, if you'd like to make

a more thorough examination, I'd be delighted--

Good Heavens, no, Mr. Logan.

Really, that's not necessary.

Glad to.

I beg you, sir, pull up your suspenders.

I must ask you to return to your cage now, Mr. Tritt.

You've created quite enough disturbance.

Hope you won't make a complaint about this, Mr. Logan.

The Boston office would--

Well, you know how they are in Boston about a thing like this.

Oh, no, I certainly wouldn't.

After all, it was only some sort of aberration.

No, I certainly wouldn't.

If a thing like this were to get around, it, uh,

it could harm his career.

It could, it could indeed.

Well, I must say, that's wonderful of you.

Well, really, what could I do?

Christmas, you know?

*

Thank you.

*

*

(whistling)

I might have known.

(whistling continues)

Mr. Pinkson, could I have a few minutes off, please?

I'm a little upset to my stomach.

Too much holiday cheer, Mr. Tritt?

Mr. Logan's outside, I think he wants to cash some bonds.

Just a minute, just a minute.

*

I'm terribly sorry you've been delayed, Mr. Logan.

Mr. Tritt suddenly became unwell.

Did he imagine he saw another gun?

You know, ever since that little incident last month,

he's, uh, he's changed.

I suppose, once you've had an hallucination,

you're always afraid it's going to come back.

Hmm.

Now, what can I do for you?

More bonds?

Well, I don't have any business to transact,

I just thought I'd drop in to see if he was all right.

Terribly nice of you, Mr. Logan.

Mr. Tritt, I thought I could drive you home.

Drive me?

Well, yes, I thought possibly with these spells

you've been having, you shouldn't drive.

I'm in excellent shape, Mr. Logan.

Excellent shape.

You know, biologically speaking,

that's the most interesting thing about nervous breakdowns.

What do you mean it's the most interesting thing?

Or rather, I should say chemically speaking,

because the chemistry involved

is exactly the same as we find in the decay of meat.

The decay of meat.

Don't be late for supper tonight, Mr. Tritt.

Oyster stew, you know.

*

(doorbell ringing)

Oyster stew, everybody.

There should be seven oysters apiece,

unless the cook ate one.

(doorbell ringing)

*

Could that be another telegram for you, Mr. Tritt?

(celery crunching)

Celery, Mrs. Bradford?

Thank you.

*

Who took the heart?

I took the heart, Mrs. Bradford.

Oh?

Well, you had the heart yesterday.

I haven't had the heart for a month.

*

Oh!

*

Well, it's for me!

How odd.

Only one oyster for me, Colonel Binns.

Only one oyster?

Yes, I'm still trying to learn to like them.

I was brought up not to read letters

in the presence of others, Mr. Tritt.

-That's a telegram. -It can wait.

At least we might start the oyster crackers.

It seems as if we're not going to get the stew.

(silverware clanking)

You know, that could be something important.

It could be a death in your family.

Probably just a goodwill message.

It is Christmas, you know.

Why are you so interested in Mr. Logan's business?

Because I know somehow it's for me.

He's, he's taunting me.

Oh, come now, Mr. Tritt.

But, he is.

Why, every day now, he comes in and stands

just outside my cage, whistling Christmas carols.

He's hoping I'll make a mistake.

He's hoping I'll make a mistake in my figures and be fired.

That's what this is.

It's part of some diabolical scheme to unnerve me.

Come now, Mr. Tritt.

People will start thinking

you have some sort of persecution complex.

All right then, I'll prove it.

Do you want me to prove it?

Then I won't.

Well then, I will, Mr. Tritt.

(paper rustling)

It's from Mother.

So sweet.

Poor dear.

Flat on her back in the hospital.

Displaced disc, you know.

Her teeth in a glass on the window sill.

I beg your pardon?

Why would she keep her teeth in a glass on the window sill?

Well, they need the sunlight.

We all need sunlight.

(paper rustling)

*

Good morning, Mr. Pinkson.

Good morning, Mr. Logan.

May I cash some more bonds?

Why, sure.

Come right in.

Lewis, shovel off the walk, will you?

Yes, sir.

*

Mr. Tritt?

Mr. Logan would like to cash some bonds.

*

*

*

Now, here we go again, Mr. Tritt.

*

Now go to your cage, get the $10,000,

put it in an envelope

and this time, bring it to me.

*

*

*

*

Put the envelope on the table.

Continue with the bonds.

*

Now, Mr. Tritt, if you make any signal at all

before I get out of the bank,

I'll put a bullet in you.

Right there.

Now, get back to your cage.

*

*

(door slamming)

*

*

(banging)

Thief, thief, thief, thief, thief!

Mr. Pinkson, Mr. Pinkson!

It's a hold-up!

Thief, Lewis!

Lewis, Lewis, it's Mr. Logan!

I've caught him!

Hurray, I've caught him!

It's Mr. Logan.

Go get him!

We finally caught him, I caught him!

(whistling)

All right, put up your hands.

Well, gentlemen, here we are again.

He's got it, he's got $10,000 in $20s

right in that bag.

Please, Mr. Tritt, don't start this again, for your own sake.

Snatch the bag, Lewis, snatch it!

Now really, Mr. Pinkson, if I had robbed your bank,

do you think I'd be standing right here

in front of it like an idiot?

He has a point there, Mr. Tritt.

Well, he has the money, Mr. Pinkson.

Mr. Logan, do you mind if we look in your bag?

No, no indeed.

*

*

Please, please, Mr. Logan, not in the street.

I insist.

But, Mr. Logan, it's practically zero.

It's not a question of temperature, Mr. Pinkson,

it's a question of honor.

Mr. Logan, I beg you.

It's in the snow.

He's hidden it in the snow.

*

What a shame.

He was such a nice chap.

-Lewis, call a doctor. -Yes, sir.

Mr. Pinkson, do you think we could

go back into the bank now and finish up with the bonds?

Certainly, Mr. Logan.

Just let me take care of him.

*

Mr. Tritt?

Mr. Tritt!

*

Mr. Tritt?

*

*

I'm terribly sorry you've been treated this way, Mr. Logan.

Now, shall we continue with the bonds?

*

The ham looks awfully fat this morning.

No eggs, thank you, Mrs. Merrell.

I hear Mr. Tritt's getting out soon.

Yes.

The psychiatrist says he's perfectly sane.

He can answer every question they ask him,

except where the money is.

Ah, he's a sly one, he is.

Oh, where's Mr. Logan?

He had his breakfast early this morning.

Said he had some papers to prepare.

Hmm.

(typewriter clicking)

"Dear Mr. Pinkson, I have a dreadful admission.

Some 10 months ago, I made a mistake, and to cover it,

I took $200 from a customer's deposit.

This first crime led to my second crime,

the stealing of $10,000, which I am now returning by mail

minus, of course, the $200 for which I have made restitution.

Sincerely..."

*

"William..."

*

"Tritt."

*

*

Thank you, Lewis, and don't forget,

that cash shipment from Boston arrives at 3:00.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Pinkson.

Mr. Logan, what do you think has happened now?

Really, I can't imagine.

Well, yesterday, except for $200,

we got the money back in the mail.

I called Mr. Tritt, of course,

and you know, he not only denied having taken the money,

he denied having returned it.

Oh, dear, he is confused.

Mentally quite unstable, I'm afraid.

Needless to say, we're dropping him.

*

And almost everyone lived happily ever after.

Closing time is almost upon us.

I must count up the money.

You watch the following,

after which I'll be back.

Here, ladies and gentlemen,

is the alternate ending to tonight's story.

Well, you pays your money and you takes your choice.

I haven't been able to balance my books,

so I'm taking my work home with me.

I'm very conscientious that way.

I hope you'll tune in next week,

when we shall have another story.

Until then, goodnight.