Original subtitles

*

*

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please do not be alarmed.

Nothing has happened to your television set,

nor are you slipping below the coffee table again.

We've decided to economize.

Everyone had to take a 50 percent cut.

I was fortunate.

We have an extremely short cameraman

who was eliminated entirely.

We anticipate great savings,

since we shall be transmitting only half as much as previously.

This process also has an educational value.

The very young can cover the top part of the screen

and be able to see what radio programs used to look like.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our next two features,

we leave our new widescreen process

and go to the conventionally-shaped picture.

*

*

It was terrible news I was bringing home:

No Christmas bonus this year.

You can understand how I felt when you think of it as I did,

in the bank at four percent over the next 20 years.

*

I was so down in the dumps,

I didn't even feel like reading the evening paper.

And it wasn't, as some unthinking people said,

that I was a penny-pincher.

I was just a careful man.

*

But the blackest part of my day was yet to come.

Jennifer!

*

What is it?

That's the three-way light.

I know it.

We never turn that on and you're using all three ways!

*

That's right.

*

I want a little light in here for a change.

Dinner's ready.

*

*

*

(clears throat)

Dear?

Hmm?

What is that?

A birthday present.

Oh.

Well, happy birthday, Jennifer.

Thank you.

Where'd you get this present?

It's a surprise.

From whom?

From me!

From you?

You mean, you bought it for yourself?

That's right.

Oh, but what about our understanding?

Didn't we agree a long time ago that it wasn't necessary

to demonstrate our affection for one another

by the extravagant exchange of unnecessary items?

Don't worry, I'm not getting anything for you.

That's a steak!

That's all right,

you've got your stewed soup meat.

But a steak!

We could eat for a week on what that costs.

You could eat for two weeks

on what this cost.

What's happened to you?

I mean, you're not acting at all like my Jennifer.

You're taking this birthday business all out of proportion.

This isn't your birthday.

Your birthday was two months ago.

I wondered how long it would take you to remember that.

Well, I'm no longer counting that as my birthday.

Today is my birthday.

My real birthday.

Because today at 2:00, I started to live.

Maybe I better go across the street and get the doctor.

Maybe you should,

because when you hear what I have to say, you may need him.

You see, at 2:00 this afternoon,

I happened to be dusting in the back of the closet

in the bedroom,

when my dust rag caught on a board.

The board came loose.

And guess what I found?

From six different banks.

I don't add very well, but the answer keeps coming

out something over $33,000.

We can't touch any of that.

That's for our old age.

My old age began the day after I married you.

When I think of how we've been living all these years like...

like poverty-stricken pack rats.

Well, that's all over now.

From now on, we're going to eat like other people

and live like other people.

No, no, Jennifer, we can't spend any of that.

We...

I absolutely forbid you.

Forbid?

Why, you cheap, miserly,

penny-pinching, money-grabbing...

Well, I'm through.

Alexander Gifford, I'm getting a divorce.

A divorce?

And I'll get it!

*

Alienation of affection, that's what it is!

I'm naming money as correspondent.

Divorce?

Oh, no.

That would be a terrible thing.

I didn't want to part with Jennifer.

Not in this community property state.

Divorce could be more costly than marriage.

*

If, after all these years, I can't live the way I want

to live, I'd rather not live at all.

It was her idea.

In fact, it was the only sensible solution.

Oh, but how does one do this sort of thing?

Where, when?

Certainly not now.

I had to play for time.

*

I hadn't read them all, but I had read enough to know

that I could never bring myself to commit such acts of violence.

But now my problem became: How does a man like myself,

so inexperienced in the ways of murder, go about it?

I just have to get someone else to do it for me.

*

*

How do you do?

I don't know you.

My name is Alexander Gifford.

I still don't know you,

what do you want?

Well, I realize you're temporarily out of circulation,

but would it be asking too much of you to give me

the name of one of your colleagues?

Huh?

Well, you see, I'd like to have somebody...

bumped off.

What?

According to the newspapers,

you were a member of Crime Incorporated.

It's a lie!

They didn't prove nothing, I'm innocent.

The D.A. framed me, now, get out of here!

Get him out, he's a kook, a raving kook!

He's out of his mind!

I never hurt anyone in all my life!

A fellow with a temper like that should be in jail.

*

*

-New hat? -Mmm-hmm.

*

-New dress. -Yes.

I bought it this afternoon.

*

*

(knocking)

I'll get it.

Yes?

Your name Gifford, Alexander Gifford?

Yes.

I understand you're looking for somebody to make a hit.

I beg your pardon?

Monk sent me.

Monk, County Jail?

Said you wanted somebody rubbed out.

Shh!

Oh, I get you.

I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes.

*

Now, Mr. Gifford, we're experienced

in this sort of thing.

We know our business.

There's nothing to it.

It's all nice and clean.

Oh, I believe in you implicitly.

Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me how much it will cost?

I can tell you that exact.

(speaking gibberish)

Now, back to cost.

We got a standing rate for this sort of thing.

The whole bit, including getting rid

of the corpse delicti, only five bills.

Five bills.

In advance, of course.

An eminently fair price.

I accept your proposition.

You know, I'm interested to know how you can perform

such services so reasonably.

We depend on a volume business.

Here you are.

One, two, three, four, five.

What's that?

-The $5.00. -What $5.00?

Your fee.

I said five bills.

Well?

A bill is a C-note, a yard, a hundred.

A hundred?

You mean, you're asking $500?

Mr. Gifford, you all right?

I see, it's okay, Mr. Gifford.

I understand.

I'm a family man with expenses myself.

If you can't afford our rates, it's okay.

But I got to do something about Jennifer.

Well, look, if you can't afford professional talent,

why don't you do it yourself?

No, no, I couldn't.

Why not?

It's a big craze now, do-it-yourself.

No, I've considered it,

believe me,

but I'm just not a man of violence.

There's nothing to it.

Haven't you ever pushed anybody in a line or on a bus?

Yeah.

Same thing, only this time

she's standing on the edge of a cliff.

No, no, I couldn't.

Well...look, I saw this one on TV.

A dame did it, real cute dame.

She clobbered her old man over the head

with a frozen leg of lamb.

At 59 cents a pound?

I don't think she stopped to figure.

Look, this is for you.

You like to tinker with mechanical things

around the house?

Well, you see this diagram?

Now, the fuse is attached right here under the floorboard.

She gets in the car, turns on the ignition,

steps on the starter.

Kaboom, the angels sing.

Yeah!

Oh, but wouldn't that damage the car?

Well, yeah.

Look, I'm trying to help you,

but you're making it awful rough.

Well, I don't mean to be difficult,

but couldn't we accomplish this without too much violence?

Well, there's always poison.

It's not my specialty, but that'll knock it.

Poison.

Yeah, a few drops of something in a glass

of water, she'll never know what hit her.

Yeah!

Well, but don't you have to sign something when you buy poison?

Not when you get it from my friend, Arthur.

*

Arthur.

Boy, you sure know the right kind of people.

Arthur.

*

Oh, I beg your pardon, is your name Arthur?

Yes.

What do you want?

My name is Gifford, Alexander Gifford.

I didn't ask your name.

What do you want?

Uh, well, I was told that I could--

Come in, come in, come in.

Closer, my boy, come in.

Yeah, I can't see you.

Come in, boy.

Well, you see, I was told that I could

come over to see you and that you'd--

What do you want?

Well, I want to get some poison from you.

Poison, poison from me?

Who told you?

I don't know his name, he said he was a friend

of Monk McGuinness.

How do I know that I can trust you?

Well--

How do I know who you really are?

Well, I can show you my driver's license.

Yeah!

What do you want with poison?

Only to kill my wife.

Oh, a wife-killer!

My first one.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm really the best.

My poisons are guaranteed undetectable.

Let me show you my scrapbook.

Here, here.

Look at this.

Here.

"Heiress drops dead of exhaustion

during tennis match."

Exhaustion!

(laughing)

That was this one right here.

The remaining heirs were very grateful to me.

Or look at this here.

Here, here, look, look.

"Industrialist drops dead of apoplexy after signing

partnership merger."

Apoplexy?

(laughing)

Oh, now, that's...that was this little sweetheart right here.

Look, all I want is--

Shh!

I know what you want,

but how would you like her to go?

Cramps while swimming, a stroke?

Well--

I know.

I've got just the thing for a wife.

She must like perfume.

I call it L'amour de Nightshade.

Just one drop behind each ear

and...

(laughing)

That'll do very nicely.

Good.

That will be $600, please.

$600?

*

In that instant, it was suddenly clear to me

that I was dealing with a dangerous maniac

and I had to get out of there as quickly as possible.

*

One thing was certain.

If I didn't succeed in doing away with her soon,

I would surely do away with myself.

It just couldn't go on.

It just couldn't.

But how could it be stopped?

I decided on poison

but there didn't seem to be any.

But there was!

*

And it wasn't gonna cost $600.

*

The young biologist told me not to let

that newspaper story frighten me.

He himself had been working on botulism

and had a culture of it.

Botulism, he said, was one of the deadliest

of food poisonings.

But with modern methods of refrigeration

and preservation, it practically never occurred

in anything outside of the laboratory.

*

*

*

*

*

*

I'm sorry you weren't hungry, Alex.

I feel like a pig, eating all that ham by myself.

*

I thought it hadn't worked.

*

(groaning)

*

(groaning)

But I was wrong.

Oh, so wrong.

*

Oh, doctor, thank goodness you got here.

Alex, my wife told me you dropped by.

What is it?

If it's those free vitamin samples, I'm all out of them.

It's Jennifer.

What seems to be bothering her?

I don't know.

She's breathing kind of funny.

It all started last night.

She began seeing double.

Seeing double?

And then this morning, before I left for work,

she looked so pale.

Poor Jennifer.

-Pale? -Kind of gray.

I stopped off at your house but you'd already left

for the hospital.

For Heaven's sake, man,

you could have called another doctor.

But, we've always gone to you.

You're our neighbor, our friend.

*

Doctor, doctor, how is she?

You better sit down, Alex, I'm afraid it's bad news.

Jennifer's dead.

No, she's not.

She's not?

She's very ill, but we mustn't give up hope.

No, no, no, of course not.

Tell me, what did you have for dinner last night?

Well, um, we had soup.

Barley soup, of course.

Uh, lettuce and tomato salad,

no dressing.

Hamburgers...no, no, I had the hamburger.

Jennifer insisted on eating the leftover ham.

Leftover ham?

And then for dessert--

Never mind that.

That's it!

I'm going to take what's left of that ham

and have it analyzed.

I'm certain she's suffering from botulism.

-Botulism? -Yes.

It's a rare type of food poisoning.

By the way, have you got a paper bag?

Oh, yes, of course.

If only you'd called me last night, or even this morning.

But now--

-There's no hope? -Only one.

One?

She has an amazing constitution.

If she can last through the night,

she might just pull through.

She might?

Don't get your hopes up, Alex.

She has very little chance.

Let me know if there's any change.

Yes, of course, doctor.

*

*

*

Suddenly, I felt sad, I was almost sorry

that poor Jennifer had to leave.

(snoring)

It was a frightening sound to hear.

She was actually beginning to snore.

A loud, full, disgustingly healthy snore.

(snoring)

"If she can last through the night."

*

*

I was afraid she wouldn't make it through the night.

"Cause of death: botulism."

Now, what time did you say she stopped breathing?

Stopped breathing?

Oh, it was about 10:30.

"10:30."

I know this is difficult for you, Alex,

but you'll have to give this death certificate

to the undertaker.

The undertaker?

Well, naturally.

You didn't expect to leave her in there, did you?

Oh, no, of course not.

I just never thought about the funeral.

I know, it's a sudden shock.

Yes, it is, I mean, funerals are expensive.

I'm afraid it will cost you at least $125.

That much?

Plus $35 more for even the cheapest plot.

Oh.

Please accept my sympathy, Alex.

*

(door closes)

$160.

Jennifer was dead and she was still spending my money.

But I wasn't gonna take it lying down.

No, sir.

$160.

I should say not.

Oh, what could I do?

Where could I turn?

*

$55, $65, $70, $75.

It was inspirational, the way I got around the funeral.

The medical school had actually paid me for poor Jennifer.

$75.

*

Where are you?

What?

I'm looking...

Oh, there you are, I couldn't find you.

Before our overzealous efficiency expert

blacks me out entirely, I should mention

that Mr. Gifford was caught

and paid the supreme penalty,

in his case, a heavy fine.

You see, the moral of tonight's story

is the perfect murder should also include a happy funeral

and a decent burial.

And now, for the perfect commercial,

after which I will return.

I'm certain you'll be delighted to know

that we saved enough money tonight

so that next week, we shall be able to send you

a double exposure.

And now, until then,

when I assure you we shall return to television,

good night, wherever you are.