Original subtitles

*

*

Good evening, television viewers.

Before we continue with tonight's motion picture,

allow me to call your attention

to some of the bargains available

in our used rocket division down at Honest Alfred's.

All our rockets are late one-owner models,

with very low mileage.

In fact, some never even got off the ground.

They are also simple to operate.

Provided you know how to count to one.

Listen to these typical bargains.

"Avant-garde rocket, complete with extras.

This exceptional bargain traveled only 250 miles

before falling into the water off Cape Canaveral."

Or perhaps you'd be interested in a late-model Thor which

still has the original mouse in its nose cone.

But now, for our movie.

It is a one-minute condensation of a 1935 hit.

*

(traffic sounds)

How was the party, John?

It was expensive.

That's how it was.

It's a good thing we only have an anniversary once a year.

Don't know what there is to celebrate, anyway.

It don't pay to get excited, John.

Who's excited?

My wife acted perfectly normal.

You could hear her purr through the whole performance

like a rattlesnake in a small paper bag.

Get me some water, Dad.

And when the party's over out at the country club,

I walk out into the lobby, just as nice as you please,

and I say to the manager, "Send me the bill".

Just as simple as that.

But not for Dorothy.

"Why don't you pay the man now," she says.

"What are we, a couple of paupers, John?"

Right in front of everybody.

I could have killed her right there.

I could have stuffed her big mouth with that $60 hat of hers.

That's $1,000 I could have turned over on this lot

two or three times before I even got the bill!

I'll go get some hamburgers, John.

What do I want with hamburgers?

I just had lamb chops for $482.

A nice cup of coffee, John?

You always feel better with a nice cup of coffee.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, look at this one here.

No, no, no.

Nice paint job, huh?

Yeah, but what's that got to do with what we want it for?

What's wrong with it?

It's empty.

It's too new.

That's nice, all right.

Okay, how about this one here?

Look, it's too much money.

You're a drag.

Hey, this is real nice.

It's wonderful, it's beautiful!

But what're you gonna pay for it with?

Okay, all right.

Come here, look at this one, this is nice.

Low down payment, the works.

Can I help you fellows?

Oh, you're Mr. Forbes?

My name is Lester, I'm from the city college.

This here's my friend, Harry.

-Hi. -Harry.

Hey, we're throwing kind of a bazaar, I mean a carnival.

And you want me to take a chance on an automobile.

Look, I've got 182 cars on the lot now.

No, we were looking for an old jalopy,

one you could hit with a sledgehammer.

For what?

Like, you know, three shots for a quarter, man.

You know, whammo!

You know, guys like to show how strong they are.

That's just another human failing, sir.

The...the occasional need to destroy.

Our psychology prof suggested it for our carnival.

He said the quarters would be bound to roll in.

How much you got to spend?

We got $50.

Half a yard.

That's about enough to buy four used tires,

if there's any rubber left on them at all,

never mind the car to go with it.

Oh, sir, this is a very important project to us.

We're gonna give a small donation to our library fund.

You see, that makes it cultural.

Yeah, very uplifting.

You'll be a patron of the arts!

Well, come back Friday, I'll see if I can't find

some load for you to use.

Oh, hey, you're all right, Mr. Forbes.

Hey, see you around like a doughnut, huh?

(engine starts)

Come on!

All right.

Nice kids, but lunatics.

They want some load they can pound into junk

with a sledgehammer.

That's just one of those things.

Enough sugar in here?

If I tell them to take their lousy 50 bucks and go buy

a pair of roller skates, then I lose the college trade.

So, what're you gonna do?

If I'm not here Friday when they come back, give them that green

'48 coupe, the one with the transmission gone.

I couldn't unload that for more than 80 bucks, anyway.

I'd be just as well off if I wholesaled everything

on this lot and got out of this business once and for all.

What's in it for me?

Oh, don't worry, Dad, I wouldn't be dumping you.

My wife costs me more in that beauty parlor every week,

than you get in your whole pay envelope.

It ain't easy at my age, John.

Nobody wants to take you on when you're this old.

Not that I can't be useful.

Not that I don't move around like I was only half my age.

I know, I heard you.

I'll take care of you.

Just forget what I said, Dad.

You got nothing to worry about.

Oh, Dad, your wife is here with your lunch.

Hello, Mr. Forbes.

Now, what does a nice old gal

like that have to wait outside for?

Kitty?

Yeah, why don't you ever ask her in?

Kitty don't like to come in the office

during business hours, John.

"Don't mix business with pleasure,"

Kitty and I always say.

Pleasure, after 47 years?

Kitty ain't so bright these days.

Getting old, you know.

But her and I get along pretty good.

Excuse me, John.

(horn beeping)

You're looking for John, Mrs. Forbes?

Yes.

He's in the office.

Do you always call him John?

Yes, ma'am.

Excuse me.

A trip to New Zealand to see your cousin Nan.

The day after our anniversary party,

I have to get hit with that!

There's no use in raising your voice, John.

I've already called the travel agency,

and I'm determined to get away.

Then you just get down off that high-octane horse

and call the agency back.

Tell them your husband can't afford a trip to New Zealand,

and keep your big mouth shut about this to your fine friends

in the country club.

I'm telling you, Dorothy, the answer is no.

If you advertise it that you're going

and then you don't,

they'll think I've got money problems.

I can't afford that now when business is slow.

First thing you know, the bank'll tighten up on me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

What suggestion?

The value of publicity, darling.

I'll let you figure that one out.

New Zealand!

I'll get her a one-way ticket right out of Cape Canaveral.

Zoom!

Scare the pants right off the man in the moon!

Did you ever hear of a woman like that?

With me in hock and things so slow on the lot?

I've gotta cut expenses.

Who am I working for, anyway?

The country club?

The department stores?

The steamship lines?

(phone ringing)

I'd be better off collecting a salary

from some other poor slob.

Forbes Motor Sales.

You got a what?

A '53 coupe, nice and clean?

Well, that's exactly what you told me about

that mobile hen coop you tried to unload on me last week.

All right, we'll be over, Murph.

But I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't give you more than

five bills for a '53 if you loaded it with blondes.

Okay.

That was Eddie Murphy.

They took a '53 coupe on a trade.

Go over and pick it up.

I gotta get back to the house before the Empress takes off

for the country club and starts to blab about New Zealand.

That's all I need.

Oh, if that car's any good, bring it on out to the house.

Take the car over to the garage

and have them check the universal joint.

I could hear it clanking all the way over.

You need gas, John.

I've got enough to take me home.

Okay.

All right, so I'm a slob without the social graces.

I'm a meatball married to a dime-store queen.

Why do you bother changing?

If you're going to act like an orangutan,

you might as well look like one.

I'm asking you for the last time to get your car

out of the driveway, it's blocking mine.

And I'm telling you for the last time,

you're not going there alone.

Any speeches made at the country club tonight will be made by me.

And if you so much as open your mouth

about that cruise to New Zealand,

I'll tell them you haven't got the price

to take a tin canoe up McClusky's Creek.

Good evening, Mrs. Forbes.

(engine starts)

Dorothy!

You come back here!

I'm sorry for your troubles, John.

It ain't my business, I understand, but it's not

the way a woman should act.

After all I told her, after everything I said.

She's gonna run out of gas in that car.

Like I told you, it was almost dry.

Let her run out of gas.

I hope she has a six-mile hike in her open-toed shoes.

Oh, I better pick her up.

Pour yourself a drink and watch TV.

I'll be 20 minutes, maybe half an hour.

*

*

*

*

*

(screaming, crash)

*

Well, I'm back.

I didn't see my wife.

Pour me a drink.

I had an accident.

Did you hear what I said?

I had an accident.

Anybody hurt much, John?

You run into a car?

No, it wasn't a car, it was somebody walking

out on Mosley Road.

A person's got no right to be walking after dark

along a road like that.

Now...

you better take that car right back to the lot now.

We were here all night, right in this room,

just the two of us.

We were watching TV, you understand?

Come on.

Don't put the lights on yet.

Come here.

It's funny how it got busted.

I don't know if somebody threw a rock at me

or if a bear jumped out and bit a hole in it.

You know what I mean?

I've got a pair of '53 headlights on the lot.

You take care of this, Dad, and I'll take care of you.

I figured you'd take care of me, John.

You told me that before.

*

(screeching tires)

Mr. Forbes?

Yes.

I'm sorry to bother you at this time, Mr. Forbes.

Well, that's all right, I understand.

You fellows have your jobs to do.

(horn honking)

Hey, is that the one over there, Pop?

Man, that must be the car.

Well, let's go.

Wow!

Guys, it'd take three years

to knock the fenders off the crate.

Boy, it feels solid.

Come on, how about it, Pop?

Come on, how about it, Pop?

No, boys, not this one.

Got a souped-up motor and overdrive.

The boss has got a couple of parties interested.

Oh, you're kidding.

Come along, I'll show you.

What do you got in mind, Pop, huh?

Well now, look.

Take this one.

For 50 bucks?

You're kidding.

The rear-end transmission's shot.

Now, the boss says if you take it away now,

you can have it for your carnival.

Thanks, Pop, thanks a lot.

(crosstalk)

(car trying to start)

We estimate that your wife was knocked about 30 feet

into that clump of shrubbery, Mr. Forbes.

Hit-and-run, you figure?

Yes and no.

Whoever it was sure ran, but there were some

interesting tire tracks along the shoulder of the road.

Someone could have taken dead aim.

Do you think that's possible?

Anything is possible, Mr. Forbes.

But we checked the tire tracks,

they don't match those of your car or your wife's.

(car trying to start)

Come on, get it going.

Hey, Pops.

Yeah, what's the matter?

This thing won't run, the battery's dead.

There's nothing the matter.

Just get it going, that's all, and back it out of here.

Come on, Lester, give me a shove.

Try it again.

(car trying to start)

I understand that you were home last night.

Yes, that's right.

I was home all night.

Was anyone with you?

Yes, Dad was.

He's the man that works for me.

He came over a little while after my wife left.

What for?

Well, to keep me company.

Have a couple of drinks.

I'm not much for the country club.

All right, Mr. Forbes,

I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for your help.

That's all right.

That the right mileage on this '56?

One thing we never do is change the speedometers.

Not a bad buy at that price.

Hey, Pop, where were you last night?

Me?

I was out at John's.

What time were you there?

After 5:30.

I guess I stayed till 10:00.

Well, what'd you do out there?

Oh, we had some drinks and watched some television.

Two westerns and a giveaway.

Come on, Lester, give me a shove.

John's very nice about those things.

I had a chicken leg,

some olives, and a half box of candy.

Was Mr. Forbes there all night?

Sure he was there.

Him and me together, we had a ball.

Okay, come on, come on.

Harder, man.

Come on.

All right, Pop.

Thanks.

I may call on you later to make it official.

Charlie?

You think it went all right?

It went better than that, Dad.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

I have to get back to the undertaker now.

Make it look good with the relatives.

You don't have to worry about that car no more.

I don't?

Them college boys was just here.

They just bought that problem for 50 bucks.

*

Can I keep it, Dad?

Why do you think I got it for you?

How much was it?

Never mind how much it was.

You didn't steal it, did you?

No.

*

Thank you.

Come on, come on.

*

Nice carnival, huh?

Yes, it is.

*

Mr. Forbes was very nice to me

when I seen him this afternoon.

He said you don't have to worry anymore about your job.

John said that, huh?

I guess that's the least he could say now.

*

Besides, Mr. Forbes gave me $10.

$10 for what?

He thought we might have a real nice time

at the carnival.

I thought maybe we could eat here tonight

at the carnival, Dad.

Well, maybe we will.

*

Come inside and see the death car.

Only 50 cents.

Three shots for 50 cents.

All right, folks, come on, gather around, you only get

three shots for half a rock now.

Come on, step inside.

Come on, shake the angel cake

out of your blood.

Come on, see how strong you are.

Step up, come on inside.

It may be the last chance you'll ever have to see that death car.

Well, let's see, what do you say?

Come on, that way.

Come on in, sir, come on in, now.

Come on, 50 cents, only 50 cents.

Three shots for 50 cents.

Come on, come on inside.

Come on!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

(all yelling)

Only three shots for 50 cents.

Thank you very much.

Who'll be next?

Step right up, sir!

Step right up!

*

Thank you, sir.

Roll your sleeve up a little higher so the ladies can see

that pretty tattoo.

This may be modern man's last chance to strike back

at the Industrial Revolution,

so watch this man go.

*

(cheering)

You don't have to worry about that car no more.

You couldn't tell it from a plate of pizzas.

You didn't talk to anybody about it, did you?

Who, me?

How would I talk?

After all, we're kind of partners now.

You know what I mean?

No, what do you mean?

I mean, I wouldn't want to mention that busted headlight.

Except a man my age, he's got to be practical.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

You said you'd take care of me.

You told me you would.

Listen, John, I never said a word to a soul.

All right, Pop, carnival's over.

You better come with us.

You fellas are kidding, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Pop.

We're playing a game.

The same as you were Wednesday night,

when you ran over Mrs. Forbes on Mosley Road.

I'm telling you fellas, I was out at his house.

We had some drinks and we watched a show.

No, Pop, you got there after Mrs. Forbes left.

You saw her walking along the shoulder of the road,

and then knocked her off like a 10 pin.

He did it!

He killed her!

He didn't give away a $500 crate for 50 bucks, Pop.

Not so that some crazy kids could whack it into junk.

We checked with the boys at the college.

I'm telling you, he hated her!

You've got to listen to me!

We're not checking into Mr. Forbes' love life, Pop.

The fact of the matter is he didn't have

a broken headlight hidden in his house.

At least not one that matched

the glass we found on Mosley Road.

Come on, Pop.

Kitty!

Kitty!

Kitty!

Did you hear Dad?

Was he calling me?

Well, I'm not sure, he might have been.

He's been a good husband to me, Dad has.

We ate out tonight, the two of us.

I want to thank you for the $10, Mr. Forbes.

That headlight you asked me about today.

I never asked him why he had it hid.

I get so nervous at night, when I can't find Dad.

*

Would you take care of me?

*

I'm sorry to say that Honest Alfred's Cold War

Surplus Store has been forced to close.

Our buyers just didn't keep up their monthly payments, and it

was rather difficult for us to get in touch with them

after they got into orbit.

Here's news from a more successful entrepreneur,

after which I shall return.

By the way, those of you who witnessed tonight's crime

will be glad to learn that the party who perpetrated it

has been justly punished.

I refer not to the recent commercial,

but to John Forbes' murder of his wife.

When I last heard, the person responsible for the commercial

was still at large.

The big ones always get away.

Next week, I shall be back with another story.

Until then, good night.