Original subtitles

*

*

Good evening, fellow creatures.

I've been working as an aeronautical engineer.

I'm developing safety devices.

(airplane flying overhead)

(crash and explosion)

Well, it was better than the last time.

For a moment, I thought I was out of a job.

Tonight's drama is called "The Right Price."

For those purists who like to see

the connection between my part of the program

and the story, here it is.

*

(adding machine clicking)

$705 is my share of the net.

Did you hear?

$705 for me.

$505.

My figures are correct.

I suppose you think I'm trying to cheat you

out of $200.

I wouldn't put it past you.

Let me see that!

You've got a seven instead of a three

in the second column!

Seven instead of three.

Oh, you're a real lightning calculator,

you are!

I was out of my mind to become your partner!

You wanted to buy in, I accepted.

Business is business.

And you've robbed me blind since the first day!

Say that in front of a witness

and I'll haul you into court for slander!

Get your friends, if you have any,

and I'll tell them!

Any time you want to dissolve the partnership...

Oh, sure, now that we're finally showing

a profit at last, thanks to me.

Thanks to you, my foot!

When I think of that $1,000 you loaned me...

When nobody else would!

At 10 percent interest.

Not even a loan shark would make me pay

through the nose the way you did!

Every company in town slammed the door

in your face.

You came to me.

You begged and touched my heart.

Heart!

You mean that adding machine under your ribs?

Oh, shut up!

I'm too tired to argue.

I'm going to bed.

*

You and your success!

And I believed you when you proposed to me.

And I thought I was marrying a woman,

instead of a Comptometer.

Lucky for you, my first husband

had a genius for business.

You mean lucky for him, he had a genius for

sitting by open windows, or he'd still be married

to you instead of being dead.

Turn off the light.

I want to read.

Fake!

And you're just a sweet violet born to blush unseen.

You'll never get a cent of my money.

Did you hear?

Not one cent!

*

Yes, dear, I heard you.

*

Not a cent.

*

Good night, Fort Knox.

*

(snoring)

(crashing sound)

Jocelyn?

*

Jocelyn, wake up.

*

I think I hear somebody downstairs.

*

Jocelyn, wake up.

*

Jocelyn.

(snoring continues)

(groans)

*

*

*

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*

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*

Move an inch and boom.

Take a seat, pal.

What?

Go ahead, take a seat.

I--I don't feel like sitting down

at the moment, if you don't mind.

Oh, that's all right, I'm easy.

Can't you steal what you want and get out of here?

Oh, I'm in no hurry, pal.

Well, I'm cold and I'm sleepy.

Go ahead, rob me and get out.

First, I want to ask you some questions.

What questions?

You're a businessman, ain't you?

I most certainly am.

Then you know how important it is to do things workmanlike.

For instance, where do you keep

the sterling silver?

In the dining room.

Lead the way, pal.

*

*

*

Junk.

Anything else?

Over here.

*

Nah, it's too heavy.

Can't you take what you want and go?

I'll get it later.

Let's you and I sit down.

You're certainly a great one for sitting down.

Well, my feet hurt.

I do a lot of traveling, you know.

Hey, you don't seem upset,

me robbing you.

-We're insured. -Oh.

Well, that makes it nice for all of us.

Can't talk business on these chairs.

How do you eat off them?

They're so hard.

I keep telling my wife that.

Hey, let's you and me go in the living room,

light a light and have a little chat.

I don't feel like a chat.

Lead the way, pal, if you don't want

to get hurt.

You give a lot of orders, don't you?

*

Now, light the lamp.

*

Ah, glad to make your acquaintance, Mister...

Mort Bonner.

I'm in women's apparel.

Who are you?

Just call me "The Cat."

I read that once in a story.

"Call me 'The Cat,'" the handsome burglar said.

(chuckles)

What do you want to talk about?

A deal.

What kind?

A good deal for you, a good deal for me.

I'm never opposed to a deal,

if it's fair.

Well, all you have to do is help me

with a good haul here, and we collect a bundle

from the insurance company.

You're a businessman, ain't you?

Highly successful.

Well, then we can do business like

it's done all the time.

Honestly?

No, not honestly.

I robbed a guy's house one night in Flushing,

a real show place, and he reported

$5,000 more than I heisted.

Did he collect?

One-hundred percent successful

for both parties concerned.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Who?

Oh, Mrs. Robinson.

No, there's nothing wrong.

I just couldn't sleep, one of those nights.

Insomnia.

Well, thank you very much.

Good night.

One of the neighbors saw the lights,

got worried.

We don't usually stay up this late.

Hey, you got any smokes around?

The finest.

If you'd like a snack, we had roast beef for dinner.

Never eat this late at night.

Bad for the digestion.

Well, that's sensible.

You said a deal?

Yeah.

Take if off your income tax.

Robbery.

Say, is this worth anything?

No, a wedding present.

Hideous.

Is this real crystal?

I wish it was, it's just glass.

My cousin Selma gave that to us.

What have you got of value?

I don't want to drag a lot of junk out of here.

The fencers ain't what they used to be.

Hey, you help me out, I'll help you out.

Is it a deal?

Well, generally speaking, yes.

But until we discuss specifics,

it depends on what merchandise you take

and how I can legitimately

chalk it up as a loss.

You were right about the spoons and stuff.

-Junk. -Yeah.

We got that bunch of silver 15 years ago as a wedding gift

from her family.

Terrible.

Sure is.

Same thing happens to me.

You take my wife's sister, Bessie.

She's--say, have you got any cash in the house?

$50, at the most.

Peanuts.

My wife's fur coat.

Mink?

Cost $4,000.

Now, we're getting somewheres.

No, she put it in storage last week.

What about jewelry?

No, she doesn't like good stuff,

just the flashy cheap kind that has no value.

How did you even marry somebody like her?

We all make mistakes.

Mort?

Mort!

Yes, dear?

Who are you talking to at this hour?

Nobody.

Nobody at all.

Well, you woke me up!

I put on the radio,

late news.

Well, what are you doing?

Doing?

I was hungry.

Well, don't eat all the roast beef.

I want it for hash tomorrow.

Go back to sleep.

And don't make a pig of yourself!

Go back to sleep, I'll be right up.

Now, let's get back to business.

Wait a minute.

I want to make sure she's gone back to bed.

(door shuts)

How am I going to make a deal with you

when all you got is junk?

Let me think.

The only money we have is in the checking account.

No good.

I wouldn't stop payment.

If you was me, would you take a check?

Not without proper identification.

Then I guess there's no deal, huh?

Wait a minute.

How about a check that would have to be good?

What do you mean?

Suppose I arranged it so it would be impossible

for me to stop the check without getting myself

in a real jam?

How?

Give me the proposition.

You may not be interested,

of course.

I'd need a real pro.

Oh, I've done more than second-story a house.

I've been breaking and entering since I was a juvenile.

Got four counts against me, did a year at Leavenworth.

I need somebody with more...

more scope.

Well, I've done a lot of things.

What kind of things?

Worked the numbers in Jersey.

Pulled a couple of heists on the Parkway.

I was thinking of someone who carries a gun.

What does this look like,

a fountain pen?

I'd want it used.

Oh, you mean...

Oh, well, I don't like to brag,

but there's a few unsolved jobs in the Middle West.

Yeah, I put a couple of guys away in my lifetime.

Then, we've got us a deal.

Who do you want me to kill?

*

I assure you, if there were any

other way of getting my wife to behave like

a human being, I wouldn't be

suggesting such an extreme method.

No one knows better than me

how stubborn a woman can be.

Do you?

As a matter of fact, I can honestly say

I never could understand a woman.

They can be puzzling.

For instance, look at us now,

warm and cozy.

And this night snack,

this roast beef just hits the spot.

Will you have another sandwich?

No, thank you.

That's what I mean.

You know, my wife would never fix me

so much as a toasted cheese sandwich

after I'd get back from a long job.

Stubborn and ungrateful,

she was.

I didn't ask her for much,

just a toasted cheese sandwich.

But not her.

"Make it yourself," she'd say.

And me after a hard night's work,

my feet hurting.

Sometime I'd be real tired, you know,

from climbing over walls.

Sometime a dog would chase me.

All I needed was a little bite to eat,

you know, when I got home.

But would she make me a snack?

Not a chance.

How did you ever get into this line of work?

I suppose I'm a nighthawk.

There must be other ways of earning a living besides...

Other jobs get monotonous after a time,

but with me, every locked door

is an invitation to danger,

every cop in the beat's an enemy.

It's the line of work to keep a man feeling young.

One night I make just a few bucks,

the next night, I might latch on

to a diamond ring worth a fortune.

It's the uncertainty of being a burglar

that makes the job worthwhile.

I didn't mean to talk too much about myself.

Well, are you going to accept my offer?

I never knocked off a dame.

Don't mix sentimentality with business.

Women ain't my specialty.

I assure you there's no difference in technique

between killing a man and a woman.

Give me a minute to think it over.

How long do you need?

You've already had a beer and a sandwich

since I first made you the proposition.

We'll say for a moment that I agree.

The bedroom's upstairs, first door to the left.

She's not a very heavy sleeper

from the way she yelled down.

We were talking too loud.

By now, she's fast asleep.

It would be easy to walk in and point a gun and boom.

Please, would you like someone to tell you

how to run your business?

Shh!

I'm sorry.

A gun is too risky, firin' a shot.

Besides, I never take a chance on

a small job of robbery.

How would you do it?

Well, I tried strangling once.

That's a gamble.

I'll take your word for it.

And knives are too messy.

How about a pillow?

She sleeps on a goose down pillow.

Good.

You don't get a lot of yelling and screaming.

Fine.

Then you hit me over the head,

take a few things for whatever they're worth.

Yeah, but you haven't set a price yet.

Make me an offer.

No.

It's your wife.

Just a second.

How about $1,000?

Are you kidding?

I can't afford any more.

That's an insult.

All right, I'll get somebody else at my price.

He'll botch it up.

Messy.

Make it $2,000.

After all, I'm making it easy for you.

I deserve some kind of discount.

Oh, well, if you're looking for a basement bargain.

What's your price?

Five grand.

You can't be serious!

I gotta live, too.

Have you bought food lately?

Inflation, world situation's shaky,

and taxes--you know what I paid last year in taxes?

-You pay taxes? -Sure.

You think I want Washington on my neck?

$3,500, take it or leave it.

-I'll take it. -It's a deal.

(doorbell)

Stay where you are.

Put that gun away.

Why, hello, Joe.

Oh, I saw a light and wondered,

you and your missus don't usually stay up this late.

A business friend of mine is discussing a deal with me.

A very big deal.

Oh!

I guess time isn't important

when you come to discussing high finances.

Sometimes, we don't reach a decision for hours.

You know, lately I've been wishing

I had been a businessman instead of a cop.

Hey, you don't know the worries,

the headaches.

Well, I'd be willing to have them,

and be sure of a nice fat bank book.

You know what I've got to show

for walking that beat out there?

One uniform and a gold watch.

But, Joe, what would men like me do without men

like you to protect us?

Oh, I just--

Look, Joe, any other time

I'd be very happy to talk to you.

Oh, I'm sorry I butted in.

No, you were just doing your duty.

You know, there's been a lot of burglaries

around the neighborhood lately.

Uh-huh?

But, don't worry, I'll catch him.

He'd have to be pretty smart to get away from you, Joe.

Well thanks, Mr. Bonner.

Well, I guess I better be going.

And I'll be stopping by

the precinct to tell the captain

what a fine job you're doing.

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh, how's the wife?

As usual.

Well, that's fine.

I hope her health continues.

Thanks.

Good night, Joe.

Good night, sir.

I'm glad he called, it will make me look

even more innocent.

Ready?

Coming with me?

Better not.

I'll wait down here.

Okay.

*

Good luck.

*

(snoring)

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*

What's happened?

It's done.

It was easy.

Are you sure?

Look for yourself.

Jocelyn?

*

*

It's done, ma'am.

The cheapskate, offering you only $3,500.

I'm sure glad you and I talked about this first.

So am I.

*

Make it out to "cash," $5,000.

*

I think the lesson that story teaches is,

if you want a job done properly,

do it yourself.

Naturally, Jocelyn and the burglar were caught.

Personally, I don't see

anything shocking about a person

being paid to commit murder.

I do it every week.

But now, I must do

some more experimenting, which will take exactly,

I think, one minute.

Persons less tolerant than I

might refer to that commercial

as a "hard sell."

However, the "sell" I think of in connection with that

is a padded one.

I believe I have at last designed

the perfect flying machine.

As you see, it has its production problems.

It still has some bugs in it,

and the workers on our assembly line

are going to look rather odd sitting on all those eggs,

but I'm optimistic.

Now, I wish to thank all of you for your indulgence.

Next week, I shall be back

with more of the same.

Until then, good night.