Original subtitles

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Good evening, friends and suspects.

From time to time, we receive letters

asking us to help viewers

commit the perfect crime.

Naturally, we don't want to be put in a position

of encouraging hardened criminals.

Amateurs, perhaps.

I think the first thing to remember

is not to leave fingerprints around.

Where homicide is concerned,

one should be as tidy as possible.

I think I have just the thing.

One, two, three, four, five.

Six.

I happen to have

over 400,000 of these.

The gentleman who made them

was a production genius.

He just couldn't count.

Next, we have a training film,

and I want you latent criminals

to pay closest attention.

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Well, it is kind of a pretty piece of glass.

I guess I bought it at the right five and dime.

Don't joke about anything so beautiful, Brad.

I've never seen such a lovely stone.

I'm glad that you like it.

Brad, I know I shouldn't seem so burstingly eager,

but about the date for the wedding.

Mom and Dad are waiting in San Francisco,

-and I promised them-- -I know.

Well, there'll be so much for them to do.

Friends and relatives to notify and--

Well, 101 things I won't even enumerate now.

And being here in Los Angeles,

I can't help them very much.

You said you wanted that kind of a wedding, Brad.

I want whatever you want.

-Darling-- -Mmm-hmm.

Do you think we might say within a month?

Or two months?

Well, what do you say to three weeks?

Three weeks?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Brad!

You just give me two or three days

to settle this real estate thing with Harry Gavin,

and then you can tell your parents for sure.

You know I love you.

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But I can't see you tonight.

I promised Harry I'd drop by the office

no later than 8:30,

and I gotta get out of here.

Do you mind?

Not as long as it's Harry Gavin, dear,

and not that lady novelist.

Now, you mustn't be unkind about Leslie.

That is over with, isn't it?

Yes, it's over and out of season

like a five-cent phone call.

Or you might say last year's Valentine's card.

Now, come on, I've gotta go.

(door unlocking)

You upstairs, Les?

Yes, come on up.

You're late, I've been waiting and waiting.

Come here.

What's the matter?

There's nothing the matter.

That's a stupid answer if I ever heard one.

Come on, now; you've either been out with another woman

or you need a new brand of pills.

Which is it?

That's very funny.

How come you're working so late?

Television script.

Has to be delivered tomorrow.

Why television?

What about the book?

Money, darling.

Rapid money.

So I can continue to afford you.

Oh, Brad, would you fix the plug on this miserable lamp?

You're so clever and I'm so helpless.

You do that, and I'll fix us a drink, huh?

Oh, I don't want a drink.

You're such a bore when you're not drinking.

You get that Sir Lancelot look in your eye

and all I feel like doing is kicking you

in the face for your precious nobility.

You're very sweet.

Yes, I guess I am, aren't I?

No one should know better than you, darling.

Oh, you are so clever at fixing things.

Oh, tell me about the real estate business now.

Did you and your companions just redesign

the whole Pacific Coast today?

What if I told you it was

a whole lot better than you think?

What if I said there was a real future in this,

and that for the first time in my life,

I feel that I have, sort of, found myself?

"Found yourself"?

You sound like a great, big, lost collar button.

But go ahead, enjoy your dream.

It's no dream.

All right, all right.

That's exactly what you said

when I financed your sporting goods store.

Do you remember that?

Let's not quarrel, Brad.

I'm not really fond of you for practical reasons, anyway.

Hey, I thought we'd go down the beach tomorrow, huh?

For what?

For fun, of course.

I didn't think we'd go down to dig clams.

Look!

I think we'd better have

a pretty clear understanding about ourselves.

I've put off talking about it too long as it is.

Now, things just can't go on

the way they've been between you and me.

Pacific Glens is a--

It's a large-scale operation with important people,

and it needs just a touch of respectability about it.

Oh, well, of course it does.

Yes.

I thought you'd sneer at that.

The fact is simple enough.

I want to get married.

Mar--

Oh, Brad, you astonish me.

Respectability actually means that much to you?

Well, all right then.

I'll marry you.

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

I intend to marry somebody else.

You're joking, aren't--

That's silly, Brad.

You belong to me.

You're like a sink or a stove or a clock on the wall!

You're bought and paid for.

-I'm what? -You heard what I said.

What do you think I am?

I know what you are.

You're kind of a strutting, empty-headed peacock

that happens to hold a great attraction for me.

Don't ask me why, I don't know.

I've asked myself a dozen times

why I have to wear you on my back.

The only albatross in California

with 22 suits of clothes,

all bought and paid for by me.

Oh, yes, and you're very good at fixing light plugs.

You're so nice to have around.

Easy, Zorro.

It's nice to be so manly,

but let's not corn it up, huh?

All right, Brad.

Tell me about her.

What's her name?

What difference does it make?

Oh, it might make a great deal of difference.

What does she look like?

She's very attractive.

And more important, she's very nice.

Nice!

Oh, that's a great adjective for you to use.

Is that all you can say about her?

She's nice?

What would you like me to say?

I want statistics.

Is she tall?

Does she have a nice figure?

Yes, she's tall and she has a nice figure.

Now, lay off.

You still haven't told me her name, Brad.

What is there to hide?

With her there's nothing to hide.

Her name is Janice Wright.

I believe you met her at the Ferguson place

one night in Pasadena.

She arrived that night before you passed out.

Wright?

Tall girl, rather insipid?

From one of those preferred, sort of, eastern schools?

Oh, yes, I remember.

Really, Brad, you think she can afford you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Just what I said.

Can she buy you clothes and things?

Will she be willing to drive around in a little car

to keep you supplied with a big one?

In my own case, those things

never particularly mattered much.

But a girl like that, uh-uh,

she'll get tired very quickly.

I mean, if things were pinched,

there wasn't any ready cash,

would she be willing to give you

a big diamond solitaire to hock?

By the way, Brad,

where is the ticket for that ring?

I mean, maybe if I dressed up more often

like the prize mare on a merry-go-round,

I'd be more appealing to you, huh?

Where's that ticket, Brad?

I've got it at home.

I was gonna give it back.

I wasn't just gonna walk out.

Walk out, is that what you said, walk out?

Look, Les, I've had it--

Listen, I'm going to do you a lasting favor,

to make sure that you never marry that precious,

Vassar-wrapped bon-bon!

You think you can stop me?

Oh, yes, yes, I know I can, my friend.

Let's see, now, "W".

One of the advantages of my profession,

it taught me to spell.

Wright, Janice, on Sweetzer Drive.

I wasn't gonna call her right now, dear.

Not now, or any other time.

I'm warning you.

Yes, Brad.

I don't want to say it, I better get out of here.

You really wouldn't call her, would you?

Listen, you've got to get it through that popcorn brain

of yours that I will do anything

that serves my purpose.

My purpose being to keep you intact, for myself alone.

Just the way it's been all these years.

Haven't you any self-respect as a woman?

Haven't you any pride?

Pride, no, I don't have the kind of pride

that you're talking about.

I'm not afraid of scenes.

And if you don't believe it, you just try me.

Just try me.

There'll be phone calls, letters,

shrieking matches that will raise the hair on her head

like a three-dollar wig!

I'll follow you everywhere,

and if by the end of a week

she hasn't thrown you over,

you'll both have a nervous collapse.

Now, do you understand?

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I understand.

Right.

Things like this are bound to pass.

You just had a nervous rash of respectability, that's all.

I have everything that you want and need.

Means to support us,

a pressure-cooker kind of yen for you.

Now, this will last, Brad.

The other won't.

Believe me.

That's better.

Now, go on and get out of here.

I've only got about two pages left on this.

Go on.

Oh, Brad, would you do me one more favor?

Would you put my car in the garage?

I parked on the street and I'll get a ticket.

Oh, I--

I'll leave the key in the car.

I don't wanna traipse up here with it, all right?

All right.

Just so long as you call me when you get home.

Love late phone calls.

I'll call.

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(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi.

Naturally, you're a liar.

Love my foot.

But it's nice to hear you say it anyway.

I couldn't move your car.

There's something wrong with the ignition.

No, it's not the battery.

What I thought I'd do is tomorrow

I'll take it over to Stanton's

and leave it there for a complete check-up.

Well, if you have to go out to the Valley,

why don't you take a cab

and I'll pick you up in front of the studio?

Six o'clock.

Good.

Then we'll go on down to the beach from there, huh?

That's a good idea.

A drive to the beach might be the best thing for both of us.

*

Six o'clock.

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(car horn beeps)

-Hi! -Am I late?

Only half an hour.

Where did you get this car?

Oh, I decided to have some work done on my car, too,

and this is the one they loaned me.

Just a little dividend for waiting.

Oh, it's going to be a beautiful night.

Brad?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Bring some towels when you come.

I have the robes.

All right.

Let's see now.

We need cigarettes, lighter--

Oh, here's your junior-sized cavalry saber

that you left behind last night.

I meant to give it to you before.

What made you think of that?

I don't know, I thought you might wanna

spear a fish or something.

Not tonight.

Here you are.

Brad?

Brad?

Oh, you scared me.

Where were you?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You've always been the timid type.

Oh, Brad, this is so much better.

The two of us together, alone,

just the way it's always been.

Kiss me.

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We left the door open, Mr. Taylor,

after your superintendent let us in.

You are Bradley Taylor?

That's right.

We're detectives, Mr.Taylor.

My name is Breslin.

This is Sergeant Langley.

So?

What could that possibly have to do with me?

We don't know for sure.

But we'd certainly like to find out.

You know, your lady friend's been murdered.

Murdered?

That's right, murdered.

And real good, too, the full treatment.

I think I'd better sit down.

Oh, come on, now, that isn't necessary, is it?

Well, a lot of things become necessary

when a murder's been committed, Mr. Taylor.

I'm sorry if you feel that we're the pushy type.

Where were you this afternoon?

I was out checking some real estate properties

and some listings.

I was out east of Altadena and then in the Valley,

west of Northridge.

You can check my secretary, if you don't believe me.

We did.

She told us you probably would be traveling around.

Did you go to the beach today?

Was that one of your trips?

I've had those things in my car for more than a week.

I haven't set foot on the beach today!

All right.

I can tell you this, Mr. Taylor,

you'd probably be a lot better off

if you had set foot on the beach today.

Search him, will you, George?

Now, look, I'm no boob that you can--

(whistles)

Charlie, will you look at that pig-sticker?

Mister, how stupid can you get?

All right, that's my knife.

I have it with me all the time.

What about it?

It was washed not long ago in some kind of cleaning fluid,

and a pretty sloppy job at cleaning it was, too.

Look, there's still three strands of hair stuck to it.

And the lab is going to show us

some more things, besides.

You know something, Mr. Taylor?

You're putting on the best act I've seen

in the last 15 years in Hollywood.

Your lady friend was stabbed seven times

with a knife exactly like that.

Leslie was stabbed?

Leslie?

I don't believe I mentioned the name Leslie.

I'm talking about the girl you had dinner with last night,

Janice Wright, she was stabbed and murdered today.

She was killed with that knife.

Now, why don't you come down

off of that dream boat of yours

and give us all the details.

You must be mistake--

Janice?

That is--

*

That is impossible.

I'll give you the raw statistics once again, Mr. Taylor.

Janice Wright, age 26,

and I'm quoting now from her driver's license.

5'8", brunette, brown eyes.

Oh, come on off it, Mr. Taylor.

You know these facts and figures

a lot better than we do.

But don't you understand?

I couldn't have killed her.

All right, I lied to you today,

I was at the--

*

Janice.

We didn't invent the girl's name, Mr. Taylor.

Who else did you have in mind?

*

Our training film has brought up

another problem for you criminals,

arch and otherwise.

"Vampire.

Are you bothered by unsightly blood stains?

Are telltale stains hurting your social life

and making the police suspicious?

Why not try Vampire?"

Well.

While I continue my efforts,

why don't you listen to this news report

on a more reliable product,

after which I will naturally

and inevitably return to you?

On reading the label,

I discovered that actually Vampire

does not claim to remove blood stains,

it merely changes them into gravy stains.

They are more socially acceptable.

Next week, we shall be back with another story

and some shoplifting hints.

If you desire any of the items

we have demonstrated tonight,

simply rip off the top of your cell block

and send it in.

Good night.