Original subtitles

*

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Good evening, fellow tourists.

I think this proves that in some areas

the airplane can never replace the train.

The gentleman who tied me here

was most thoughtful.

In order to keep the railroad tires

from chapping my hips he put me on an anthill.

And in the event I wanted to do some reading,

he left me a railroad timetable.

I have found it most useful.

You see, my assailant was a railroad executive

who took exception to some of my remarks

about the promptness of trains.

I have the last laugh, however,

for I see by a footnote

that the train he expected would trisect me

runs only on the Friday preceding Decoration Day

and the Tuesday following Labor Day except on leap year.

There isn't another train scheduled to pass

for 30 minutes.

That should give us just enough time

to watch a half hour television show.

Keeping to the theme of tonight's program,

I must warn you that before you get a look

at the pleasant scenery,

we must first pass through

one of those dismal tunnels.

*

(train trundling)

*

*

*

Help!

Let me go!

Johnny, you've got to stop shooting Indians.

I told the boy a thousand times.

Excuse me, sir.

Johnny, please, son, listen to your father

just once on this trip.

*

Oh, I'm very sorry.

Pardon me.

*

(Johnny mimics gunshots)

Johnny, Johnny!

You mustn't go around shooting people in the--

in the corridors.

Son, it isn't nice.

-Bang! -Oh, son!

Son, you're making your mother very nervous.

Now, you just stop your horsing around

until we get to the club car or you're going right to bed.

Now go ahead, son.

Johnny, now you stay on the train, son.

Oh, come on, dear.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

It's the next train.

I'm sure it's that next car right over there.

Yes.

I'm sure it's the next one, dear.

Two Old Fashioneds.

Stick 'em up!

*

It's turning to snow.

That's right.

Set them up for everybody.

There's a big spender.

Faster, partner!

We interrupt our program with a late bulletin

from our news bureau:

The patient who escaped two days ago

from the state mental hospital

has been reported in the area of San Lucerno.

San Lucerno?

Due to the extreme weather conditions, however,

the police expect to apprehend

the patient shortly.

Well, what'll you have, Johnny?

Didn't we stop at San Lucerno tonight?

That's a fact.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

Well, what'll it be, Mother, hmm?

Scotch on the rocks.

Mmm-hmm.

Scotch on the rocks for Mrs. Templeton

and bourbon for me

with a little water on the side.

How about a nice warm glass of milk, Johnny?

How about a peanut?

Now, son, please don't shoot peanuts in the club car,

I told you that.

Nice warm glass of milk for the boy.

Yes, sir, right away, sir.

I'll get you a nice glass of milk right away, cowboy.

You want some chocolate in it?

Just plain.

Yes, ma'am.

You want a peanut, too?

Now, now, no chocolate tonight, son.

They let me have chocolate in my milk at school.

You're no longer in that particular school

in case you've forgotten what happened.

Darling, please don't start on that again.

Well, I was only going--

Shh, son, son, now come on.

I am quite familiar with the details, thank you.

All right, Mother, but it's not the end of the world.

I mean, he's not the first boy ever to be expelled from school.

Don't start defending him, Larry,

please don't start defending him.

When I think of the money we laid out to get him

into the best school, I could just die.

Darling, we did get part of the tuition back, didn't we?

Just lie down and die.

And believe me, there are much pleasanter ways to go.

We could have taken poison.

I'd better get my guns--

Don't interrupt!

Now, take it easy, darling, he's just a boy.

And he's at an age where boys like to talk a little.

Will he ever get over the age?

Is it too much to ask?

Son, come on.

Here we go.

Atta boy.

Darling, I might point this out

that you were the one who wouldn't hear

of sending him to a public school.

Oh, it's my fault, of course.

I suggested we give him the most expensive private school

in the country.

It was my fault he's kicked out

and we have to travel clear across the country

for three days.

Oh, son, oh, please no.

Look, son, here, look.

Do you think after you've finished this

you could go right back to bed, hmm?

Hmm, do you?

Do you?

It was on the radio that there's a guy

who was gonna...

You know, he was--

Don't interrupt!

Darling, he didn't interrupt.

I was asking the boy a question.

He's been butting into every conversation we've had

for the past two days.

And when you're not butting in,

the two of you are yapping about cowboys and Indians.

Don't you ever get tired--

Darling, it is only natural for a boy

to get excited going through this wild West.

At the risk of repeating myself, I repeat--

Look, Johnny, no.

Come back with your mother's--

Johnny, come back here, son.

Come--look here, son.

Son, I told you not to take your mother's furs.

Now that's not being a straight shooter now.

Come on, son, have your--

have your glass of cow juice,

and then back to the bunkhouse

and rest your weary bones

with the rest of the cowboys, huh?

Atta good boy.

There's your hat.

Here's the furs, dear.

Got them all right.

-Thank you. -There you are.

Sit down.

Oh, boy, what a night.

What a night, dear.

-Are you warm enough? -Yes.

Now we could always get 'em

to turn the heat up, you know.

No, I'm warm enough.

-You sure, now? -In fact, I'm too warm.

-I'm hot. -Hmm?

Can you get them to turn down the heat?

Oh, sure--waiter!

Could you...

Johnny!

Don't put the milk in the ashtray.

Fellow travelers, hi there.

I'm taking the liberty of addressing you,

sir, madam,

and you, young fella.

About this time in the evening,

I like a drink, and I like it very much,

but there's one thing I don't like,

I don't like drinking alone.

So, I humbly beg your pardon

and ask the favor of your allowing me

to join your little family circle,

to save me from the horrible fate

of drinking in solitary confinement.

My name is Kilmer.

I just got on down here at San Lucerno.

How do you do, Mr. Kilmer?

It's a pleasure, I'm sure.

My name is Templeton and this is Mrs. Templeton.

Ma'am.

Happy to make your acquaintance.

I know something about you, Mrs. Templeton.

Really?

What's that?

You're the best looking woman on this train

by a mile and a half.

Won't you join us, Mr. Kilmer?

Why, thank you.

You're very kind.

Son, get over to that chair.

Mr. Kilmer, let me help you.

You know...

it's an old man's privilege

to compliment a lady

in the presence of her husband.

How you doing there, cowboy?

Fine, thank you, sir.

That's great stuff you're drinking there.

Put flesh on your bones.

You take it from an old cowpoke.

I'd drink that cow juice for weeks and weeks at a time.

Nothing else but.

So go on, bottoms up!

Salute.

This is the worst weather you've ever heard about

in your life, Mrs. Templeton.

Isn't it perfectly awful?

Yes, it's not fit for man nor beast.

-Sir? -Hmm?

You were a cow puncher?

Yeah.

John.

It is perfectly dreadful weather.

Somebody at this table in the dog house?

Don't worry, young fella,

we all gotta grow up the hard way.

When I said, "Ain't this the worst weather you've ever seen,"

I've seen worse.

Mm-hmm.

1916 we had eight foot of snow on the Alta Verde Mesa.

Three hundred head of longhorn steers froze stiffer than wood,

and they didn't thaw out till spring.

Yes, ma'am, it's a fact.

Oh, the stories I could tell you.

Waiter...

I'll have what the lady's got.

If I'm any judge of whiskey

and the color and body of it

it's scotch and it's over the rocks.

That's what I want.

Just gives me the cold shivers

to look outside.

(man groans)

-Sir. -Yeah?

Do you mean longhorn cattle?

Uh-huh.

The kind with the great big long horns?

-That's the one! -Larry, please!

You mustn't interrupt while the gentleman is speaking, son, now.

Please, remember that.

That's all right, sir.

I don't mind.

Yeah, son, some of them were 10 foot across.

But that was a long time ago,

back in my time.

This train slowing down some?

Oh, we do seem to be slackening

our pace considerably.

Must be going round a bend.

Gotta be careful in this weather.

Oh, yes.

We gotta be real careful.

We're carrying precious cargo on this trip

and we don't want no trouble.

To your very good health, Mrs. Templeton.

Mr. Kilmer.

To yours, sir.

God!

You're a lucky man.

Yes, I know it, sir.

That's what I like to hear.

You don't see many happy families around anymore.

None at all.

Well, good luck to you, too, cowboy.

I've got a belt at home!

My father gave it to me for Christmas.

It's got a silver buckle with a longhorn steer on it!

John!

I don't want to have to tell you again!

Now be a good boy and don't interrupt your elders.

I don't mind, ma'am.

Hey, we're not going round a bend,

but we sure are slowing down.

Let's find out something, cowboy.

-Waiter! -Yes, sir?

We got a flat tire or something?

I don't know, sir.

I know we ain't due to stop for another six hours yet.

Oh, so what?

We're smack dab in the middle of New Mexico

in a raging blizzard,

the kind I ain't seen in 20 years,

and I'm kickin'.

I'm snug and I'm warm,

and in the company of delightful

female companionship,

and I'm complaining.

Guess we just don't learned to count our blessings,

do we, Mr. Templeton?

No, sir, I guess not.

You know something?

For 20 years of my life I was a cowboy.

Oh, I'd spend six or eight months

out of the year out on the range

in all kinds of weather.

And I swore then the only thing I wanted out of life

was a nice warm house to go to when it got cold.

That's all I wanted.

Just a nice, warm place.

That was the sum tee-total of my ambition.

Have you ever been

caught out in the cold, Mr. Templeton?

Well, no, no, not really.

Well, I want to tell you folks something.

Cold is the worst thing that there is.

And I sure pity anybody out there on a night like this.

You know what's a funny thing,

riding on this train tonight in this storm?

It takes me back to...

Hey, we've stopped.

*

Daddy!

*

Oh, Mr. Conductor.

Yes, sir.

We've been here about an hour.

When are we going to get started?

Nothing to worry about, sir,

our generator went out.

It'll be about 10 or 15 minutes.

Conductor, you're sure you're not lying to us?

I'm a Sunday school teacher, ma'am.

*

-Put a head on that. -Yes, sir.

We interrupt our program

to bring you a special bulletin.

The police have redoubled efforts

to locate the mental patient,

now believed to be lost in the storm.

Hospital authorities wish to emphasize

the fact the man is not dangerous.

He needs help.

Please communicate with the state police.

You know, this is funny.

Sir?

I don't mean funny, I mean it's strange.

Maybe I don't even mean it's strange,

but I seem to be reliving something

that happened 50 years ago.

Would you folks like to hear a story?

*

About cowboys?

-Yeah. -Larry.

Now, look, son.

I was saving this as a surprise,

but, well, there it is.

A real silver dollar.

Now, it's just like the cowboys use,

isn't that right, Mr. Kilmer?

You bet you, when they could get their hands on them,

they really used them.

-Excuse me. -Mmm-hmm.

Now, there you are, son.

That's yours if you can manage to do just one thing.

Now, if you can manage not to interrupt

while Mr. Kilmer's telling his story.

You think you can manage that, sir?

I mean not one single, solitary interruption.

That's a real silver dollar?

Yes, sir, that's a real silver dollar.

Oh, I don't mind the boy talking.

That isn't the point, Mr. Kilmer.

This is a rather involved family affair.

It concerns a young man who talks more than is good for him,

who needs discipline,

and who should not be given a reward

for doing the things he should do.

Oh, now, look, Mother, let the boy win a reward.

It might do him some good.

What do you say, John?

You think you can manage to keep quiet?

Are you going to keep quiet, John?

Yes, Mother.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, touch now, John-John.

Now, look, we'll let you sit here

and listen to Mr. Kilmer's story,

and then we'll decide whether you've earned it or not.

Won't take more than 10 minutes at the most.

There.

Now, here, look at your Round-up Randy,

official timekeeper there.

Now, it says just, uh...

10 minutes of nine.

That's straight shooter time.

Now, if you can be quiet until Round-up Randy

points to nine o'clock,

you can have the dollar.

It's just 10 minutes.

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Your mother knows best, boy.

Always remember that.

Your mother knows best.

Now, about this story.

It was in 1905.

Show you how broke I was,

I took a job as a sheepherder.

I had 500 sheep, 2 dogs and a horse

for 6 whole months.

Now, son, you wanna show that

to the boys back home, don't you?

He'd like to had you that time, didn't he, son?

Well, aside from the fact that a cockroach

is the lowest form of life,

I guess my job as a sheepherder,

I was underneath him.

But I was young and strong in those days and I didn't mind.

I tended those sheep for three months

and everything was going fine.

No coyotes, no trouble with the dogs and...

Well, it was too good to be true,

and then all of a sudden...

up she come.

Trouble?

Trouble is right, sir.

A storm.

The worst storm ever.

She come up fast in the middle of the night,

and by the time I had woke up,

maybe there was five or six inches of snow on the ground.

I started looking for my sheep

and I couldn't see my hands in front of my eyes.

Dogs barking all over the place.

I went to where I had tied my horse

and I had to feel my way along the ground.

Found the place, no horse.

The reins were still tied there but the horse was gone.

Then I tried to make myself heard by shouting at the dogs.

The wind kept getting louder and louder.

All of a sudden,

I was alone...

*

...and I knew it, I was lost.

Mr. Kilmer!

Johnny!

Don't break your promise, son.

Please, go on, Mr. Kilmer.

I'll make it a short story.

It ain't got much point to it, anyway.

Well, I don't know how long I stumbled around out there,

like I was drunk.

I had to keep moving.

If I'd have stood still,

I'd have froze to death for sure.

I don't know how long I kept it up, guess most of the night.

My feet got so cold

I couldn't feel them anymore.

I just kept pushing them up under me.

Pushing them up under me.

Didn't have any idea where I was going.

I didn't know whether I was dead or alive.

And then all of a sudden,

I knew I was dead.

*

-Sir? -What?

All of a sudden, I looked up and what did I see?

A light.

A great big light.

You know, like a band of angels coming after me.

I was sure I was dead and in heaven.

But there's only one thing I couldn't figure out.

How did it get so cold up there?

But that light kept coming at me.

Like maybe a billion candle power.

Then I heard a sound and I knew what that light was.

Wh-What was it?

A train.

It was a train.

A genuine locomotive coming right at me.

You see, I was standing right in the middle

of the railroad tracks.

Well, I got out of the way fast, and I hollered.

You know, like a cowboy?

Ee-yah!

Them days, trains ain't like they are now.

Man stood outside and hollered, you could hear him.

Nowadays, old Gabriel himself could stand outside that window

and blow his head off and we wouldn't hear him.

You know why?

This is two-ply glass.

Makes the finest kind of insulation.

What happened?

*

What?

Oh.

Well, they heard me.

Fireman heard me.

Stopped the whole doggone train.

Mr. Kilmer.

Yeah, what is it, boy?

Larry, take him to bed.

As far as I'm concerned, he's forfeited the dollar.

Take it away from him and put him to bed.

Then perhaps we can have a little

peace and quiet around here.

Now look, son, you keep your eyes on that watch.

Now, I give you one more chance, old boy.

Now, you try not to say another word

and we'll try to make another deal for the dollar.

Okay?

I'm very sorry, Mr. Kilmer.

Go ahead, I'm sorry.

Well, it was a cattle train.

It wasn't going very fast,

and headlight had picked me up anyway.

They hauled me on board and that's the end of the story.

Now, look, I told you it wasn't a very good story.

It's just that, you know,

riding this train tonight and this storm,

it kind of took me--

it reminded me of something.

I enjoyed that story very much, sir.

I enjoyed it very much indeed.

Yeah, so, you know, stopping this train tonight,

out in that storm, it...

Oh, I just felt like I've been here before sometime,

Mr. Templeton.

Oh, what's the name of that song?

"Where or When."

It's built on the same theme.

It's as if you're living something that happened

a long time ago.

I know that feeling.

That's exactly right, Mrs. Templeton.

The name is Mary.

Mary.

Yes, ma'am, that's it exactly.

You know, I felt like I was out in that blizzard tonight,

being trapped out in that blizzard,

nearly freezing to death.

Reliving something over again.

Feeling like I'd never see a living soul

on this earth again.

*

Hey, the power is on.

Kind of strange to work that, huh?

Waiter, you put a head on this, please?

Yes, sir.

Imagine being caught out in a blizzard.

And what comes along to save you?

A train!

A genuine, big-as-life train.

One chance in a million.

Guess not everybody was as lucky as I was that night.

I been a God-fearing man ever since then, sir.

Hey, Mr. Conductor.

All set now.

I told you folks it wouldn't take long.

Got to make a little speed now, huh?

Guess so, guess we do.

Good.

Come on, son, finish up that glass of milk.

Come on now, it's really back to the bunkhouse this time.

But there's a man outside there.

-There's a what? -He was back there.

A man.

Come on, son, now none of this.

There is.

Mom, there's a man.

Don't, don't, don't interrupt.

You're just gonna upset Mother.

Now, come on, son, let's go.

Well, Mr. Kilmer, do you...

do you think John has earned his dollar?

I know he's made one or two breaks,

but on the whole what do you think?

I think this old cowboy has earned that pokey.

And I'll vote to give it to him.

What about you, Mother?

Hmm?

Oh, give him the dollar

and put him to bed, for heaven's sake!

All right.

There you are, son.

Now say good night to Mr. Kilmer.

Good night, Mr. Kilmer.

Good night, cowboy.

Sleep tight.

And wake up in the morning real bright.

And just one more piece of advice

from your old cowboy friend.

You take that cartwheel and put it in a safe place,

where there ain't no low-down,

rustling horse thief can get his hands on it, huh?

Okay, put it away.

Hah!

That's the ticket.

Say good night to Timothy, son.

Good night, Timothy.

Good night, cowboy!

Sleep tight.

*

Mother.

*

Now, ain't you ashamed of yourself.

Now, why should I be?

He'll give the kid another one.

*

What's a dollar mean to a kid like that anyway?

What does it mean?

(chuckles)

*

I suppose you expect me to be discouraged, but I'm not.

I have faith that the railroad

will not allow a man to lie here indefinitely.

As a matter of fact, some passing workers

have assured me that the train

will be by in a few seconds.

(train blows whistle)

There it is now.

If you want to turn away,

you may.

(crashing collision)

Look.

A complete loss.

Fortunately no one was hurt.

No one on the train, that is.

I seem to have sustained

a very bad bruise on one finger.

If you've enjoyed our story or any of this trivia,

perhaps you'll be interested in tuning in next week

when we shall have more of the same.

Until then, good night.

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