All language subtitles for Alfred.Hitchcock.Presents.S01E25.There.Was.an.Old.Woman.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-Hurtom_track3_[eng]

* [Charles Gounod:
"Funeral March of a Marionette"]

Good evening.

I have a request
for those of you who are
not watching television.

Please turn on your set.

I'm sure I look much worse...

in the flamboyant Technicolor
of your imagination...

than I do
in the austere black and white
of television.

Thank you.

I'm sure that's much better.

Although it may still be
one color too many.

Black and white
are very fitting this evening.

As a matter of fact...

we considered edging
the entire picture in black,
but we gave that up.

It would have been decidedly
unfair to those of you...

with very small picture tubes.

Or narrow imaginations.

Tonight's fable
is about Monica Laughton.

A nice little old lady
with a penchant for funerals.

You shall learn more
about Miss Laughton...

after our sponsor
gives us brief...

but heartfelt eulogy...

in behalf of his product.

Good morning, Theodore.

Morning, Miss Monica. Another
of your picture-book mornings,
ain't it?

Yes, indeed,
a picture-book day,
but most bracing.

I only wish
Oscar could have seen it.

That's too bad, Miss Monica.
I sure am sorry.

Oscar, did you say?
Did he suffer much?

Oh no, no!

One last convulsion
and he was gone.

Cecily's dreadfully cut up.
They were to be married,
you know.

I fear it won't be long
before she follows him
to the grave.

Just pining away, is she?
Miss Monica, did you want
anything extra?

Oh, yes. Half a pint of cream,
with all these people around.

Oscar was quite wealthy,
you know.

Brings out the relatives.

Yes, ma'am,
I guess it would.

Well, goodbye, Miss Monica.

Good day, Theodore.

If your brother
doesn't come through,
we keep on hitchhiking.

So if you want to travel
more elegant, you'd better
give him a good pitch.

Now here.

Reverse the charges
and make it person-to-person.

Why don't you put the touch
on some of your relatives?

Why don't you stop
asking stupid questions?
Just do like I tell you.

(Theodore)
Morning, Arthur.

(Arthur)
Morning, Ted.

Miss Monica's
having another funeral.

What, again?

Oscar, poor fellow.
Passed away.

Too bad.

What did he die of?

Croup, I guess.
As usual.

Sooner or later they're gonna
have to get somebody to
take care of Monica Laughton.

It's dangerous her living
the way she does...

all alone with all that money
in the house.

(Theodore)
Some folks don't reckon
there's all that much money.

(Arthur)
She don't ever go to bank.

She don't ever get any mail
except what she writes
to herself.

The money don't ever seem
to give out.

She don't spend much.

Maybe it's nearly all gone.

Don't you believe it, man.

Monica Laughton's got a pile
of it stashed away somewhere
right in that old house.

Maybe so.

When I was a kid they used
to say her fiancé left her
near about a million dollars.

So long, Arthur.

He's already gone
to work.

Maybe I can call him
at the office.

No, forget that.

I got a better idea.
Get me the phone book,
I wanna look up an address.

Come on.

Frank.

Now, Frank.
I wish you wouldn't be
in such a hurry.

Now, if we have to do this,
I think we ought to wait until
we get our plans all laid out.

Shut up.

I have the plans
all laid out already.

I'm from
the Historical Society...

and I want to look at
all the old rooms...

in this historical
old mansion, and that's all.

Won't they be happy
to have the Historical Society
in the middle of a wake.

Good morning!

Good morning, Miss Laughton.

My name is Frank Bramwell,
and this here is my wife.

Bramwell. Bramwell? I see
you've brought your luggage.
But I don't--

Well, we haven't
found a hotel yet, you see.

Oh, dear me,
you mustn't go to a hotel.

None of the family
ever go to hotels.
What would you think of me?

No, we'll find a place
for you somewhere.

Come in. Come in.
Bring your bags.

Everyone is here
in the front parlor.

You'll want to see Oscar,
of course.

Bramwell? Bramwell?

Oh, of course.
Oscar's mother's people.

I declare, everyone's been
so long trying to forget
Oscar's mother...

seems strange
to be trying
to remember her.

My dears.

Here are
Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell.

Relatives of Oscar's
on the distaff side.

I don't want to go in there
with all those people.

They are bound to find out.

Be quite.
Let me handle it.

Now.

Everyone is anxious
to see you
after all this time.

It was good of you to come,
though a little unexpected,
of course.

Now, these are
Oscar's cousins and aunts
and things.

Mr. Farrell, Miss Nelson.

Miss Larrabee.

Miss Furlong, Mr. May.

Mrs. Archibald, Mr. Archibald,
Miss Archibald.

Master Archibald.

Miss Cecily Furness,
Mrs. Lorimer.

Mr. Chalmers.

Mr. Farquahar, Mr. Pettigrew.

If you will sit here
on these chairs.

Would you move down one,
please, Mr. Farrell?

I'm afraid we've already had
the reading of the will,
not knowing you were coming.

But it doesn't matter,
you didn't get anything.

I don't think
you were very close to Oscar,
were you?

Of course, some people
have the funeral first,
but we always do it this way.

Cecily, dear...

do stop crying.

Oscar has passed
to a higher life.
Nothing will bring him back.

Perhaps you ought to go
to your room, dear.

Tippie.

You're getting fat
and lazy.

You should go to the kitchen
and catch the mice.

Well, perhaps you'd like to go
to your room and freshen up.

Of course you'll want
to see Oscar first.

Come along.

He's probably
changed a good deal
since you knew him.

He does look natural.

Doesn't he?

[titters]

Come along.

Oh, I forgot.

If anybody wants
a glass of sherry
before lunch...

please help yourselves.

Really, it's difficult
to know what to do
with you.

If you had telegraphed,
it would have been easier.

There now,
we'll find somewhere.

Last month when Adelaide died,
we even had cots in the hall.

Just a minute.

[whispering]
Frank, I'm scared.
I mean, she's loony.

I mean you don't know
what crazy people will--

You're the crazy one.

This is the biggest break
we ever had.
Just do like I tell you.

Come in.
Come in.

I'm going to put you
right in here.

A funeral is always so sad
when the deceased is young.

Ours were all young.
All young.

Oscar is next
to the last.

He was the best man.

Cecily was
the maid of honor.

Now they're all gone
but Cecily.

All the wedding party.

Wedding party, huh?

And, who was the bride?

Why, I was.

My fiancé was killed
in a carriage accident
on the way to the church.

This is all I have left.

It was on the wedding cake.

Richard...

is gone.

Gone to glory, all of them.

Well, there you are.
If you need anything,
just call.

We'll have lunch
a little early today
on account of the funeral.

You come down
when you're ready.

She's put us in her own room.
Where else would the money be?
Come on.

Start looking.

Frank, for the hundredth time,
I'm hungry.

Oh, shut up.

We'll find the money,
then we'll eat.

[exclaims]

You are untidy.
Must you scrabble
through my room like monkeys?

Where's the money.
That's why we're here, and
that's what we're gonna get.

So you came only
after poor Oscar's money.
You admit it.

Well, I told you.
He didn't leave you anything.

Oh, dear.

We'll straighten it up,
Miss Laughton.
Is it time for lunch?

Lunch is over.

We had it
while you were up here
hunting for Oscar's will.

I told you
we'd already read it.

Besides, why should he
leave it in my room?

Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell.

I don't think you're going to
add anything to the occasion.
I think you'd better go.

If you need some money
I can let you have a little.
What did I do with my purse?

Really.
This is terrible.

And the house
full of guests, too.

After all,
Elvira can't do everything.

Is it all right if we go
downstairs to the kitchen
and get some lunch?

Certainly. I never refuse food
to anyone.

Food! Food!

Can you beat that?
There's nothing in here
but some stale cheese...

some old milk,
and a can of lard.

This ought to go tasty
with the cheese.

Look at that,
it's just about as old.

Frank, I can't stand it.

I'm going out and getting me
a hamburger.

Don't you go any place.

Don't you stick your nose
outside. We don't want anybody
to know we're here.

Maybe she really
hasn't got any money.

Don't believe that.
Did you see the flowers
around that coffin?

Straight from the florist.
And this house and furniture?

And her jewelry, don't forget.

Maybe that money
ain't in her room, but it's
somewhere in this house.

But I am so hungry.

You always have to talk
about food? Here.

How can I talk
about anything else?

I haven't eaten
since yesterday.

[telephone ringing]

Do be quite.

It knows I never answer it,
but it's so persistent lately.

I only had it put in
to please Oscar,

but now that he's gone
there's no need for it.

I told the postman
to tell the telephone company
to come and take it away...

but they haven't done it.
I suppose they still ring up
to argue about it.

I have decided
to postpone the funeral...

because I don't think
Oscar would like
fortune hunters to be present.

So we won't have it
till after you are gone.

We'll have the dinner anyway.

We must try to bear up.

Now, let me see.

Melon first.
Then the capon, rice...

butter beans, salad.

I hope Elvira doesn't forget
the Roquefort.

Charlotte russe, coffee.

And the champagne.
Yes, we may as well
have the champagne.

It'll comfort Cecily,
poor dear.

Oh.

Oh.

Now, while she's in there,
I'm gonna look in the parlor.

Not you. Stay in there
and keep an eye on her.

I don't want her getting out
and talking to anybody.

Till after
we get the money.

No, Lorna.

We don't want her
to talk ever.

What do you mean, Frank?

We don't have to--
Now, wait a minute.

We don't know anybody
in this town, and nobody
knows that we're here.

Or that we have any connection
with Miss Monica Laughton.
Right?

Hmm-mm.

So.

No, I don't like it.

What's the matter with you?

The only way we can get caught
is if we leave the old goof
alive to talk.

You wanna take a chance like
that just for a dippy dame
that don't know up from down?

Let me go.

It's just that
we've never been
in anything like this before.

We are in it and we're
gonna go through with it,
you understand?

Look, that old dame,
she's lived long enough
anyhow.

Frank. Frank.

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is served!

Will you take me in,
Mr. Bramwell?

Go on, just so long
as we eat.

Miss Laughton.

Thank you, Mr. Bramwell.

Come along, my dears.

Cecily.

You sit here
next to me, dear.

Mr. Chalmers, will you sit
on my other side?

And Mrs. Archibald, next.

Mr. May, Miss Archibald.

Mr. Farquahar.

Miss Furlong.

And Mr. Archibald.

Now, on this side
there is Mr. Farrell.

Miss Nelson.

Master Archibald.

Miss Larrabee.

Mr. Pettigrew.

Mrs. Lorimer.

Oh, yes,
Mr. and Mrs. Bramwell.

I thought you had gone.

Oh, well.

Just one moment, my dears.

Now, my dears,
you mustn't mind me.

Just go ahead...

and enjoy
Elvira's wonderful cooking.

The doctor has told me
I must be very careful
for a while...

but I shall enjoy
watching you eat.

Yes, indeed, Mr. Farquahar.

Yes, the melons are
from our own garden.

And I must say I think
they're the best
we've had this year.

[chuckling]

No, we just play at gardening.

But I will say this,
that what we do raise,
is the best.

I think everyone
has finished now. You may
remove the melon, Elvira.

I beg your pardon,
Mrs. Archibald, I didn't hear.

Oh, yes, indeed. Devoted.

Elvira has been with us
ever since
I was just a little girl.

No, thank you, Elvira.
No, you can't tempt me.

The doctor was firm,
very firm.

Just a little soup, he said.

For a while.
Just a little soup.

You may bring in
the capon now, Elvira.

I'm going to help Elvira!

Thank you, Mrs. Bramwell.
But I'm quite sure
Elvira can manage--

I'll just help Elvira
open this.

A most unfortunate young man.

Only a distant cousin,
I believe.
On the mother's side.

[exclaims]

All those wonderful smells
were coming
from just one can of soup.

I bet she's got the food
hid someplace,
like the money.

Hey, we got this.

[exclaiming]

Frank, open it.
I'm going crazy.
I do need a drink.

I bet she's got
lots more of this hidden
in the basement some place.

Oh.

It's vinegar!

She must have had it
100 years. It's turned sour.

I'm gonna kill that old--

Frank, remember.
She is not responsible.

That's all.

That's all I'm gonna take
from that old dame.

I'm going to go in there
and work on her right now.

Frank.

So you do have a safe.

All right, open it.

I said, "Open it."

No.

I don't want you
pawing through my things.

I'm gonna kill you
just for the pleasure of it.

Now open that safe
and be quick about it.

Well.

I will open it,
if you promise not to destroy
any of my private papers.

I promise! What do I care
about the papers? Open it.

Well, I suppose
the only way to convince you,
is to open it.

Really, this is
very presumptuous of you.

There. Now remember....

What's all this junk in here?
Where's the money?

Look at that.

Fans, dance programs,
valentines.
A safe full of moldy junk!

[quavering]
Oh, how could you?

You promised!

You promised you wouldn't.

[crying]

Mr. Bramwell.

You have made me
very angry.

You are a man
without honor.

I have been trying
to forget you, but you have
made that impossible.

I will never tell you
where anything is.

I will tell you only this,
that there is no money here
for you.

You want to die?

If you kill me, I couldn't
possibly tell you anything,
could I?

I'll kill you anyhow.

Do as you please,
Mr. Bramwell.

Please refrain
from annoying my guests,
if you can.

I'll kill them, too.

No! You mustn't!

If you don't tell me
where that money is, I'm gonna
kill every one of them.

Every single one.

No! You mustn't.
You mustn't harm them.

[shuddering]

Give me till morning.
I must think.

You've had enough time
to think. Now--

Frank, wait.

Now, it may take forever
to find it
if she doesn't tell us.

Give her till morning,
I think you've really
got her scared now.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you
till morning.

Then if you
don't dig up that money...

I'm gonna kill
every one of these people,
and you, too.

Come on, Cecily,
time to go to bed.

Goodnight, everyone.

No, no, Tippie!

[mewing]

You've had all
you're going to have.

You're positively bulging.

No. Besides, you know
you don't like cupcakes.

These are for the mice.

Now then, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself,
a great big cat like you...

letting the mice stamp
all over the kitchen
as if they owned the place.

[Tippie mewing]

Where did I put
that rat poison?

They may as well die happy.

And they do love cupcakes.

(Lorna)
Frank.

Wake up. There's
the most marvelous smell
coming from downstairs.

- What?
- I think
she's in the kitchen cooking.

You go and play in the sun.
It's going to be a lovely day.

Good morning.

Is breakfast ready?

Breakfast is over long ago.
Do you always sleep
this late?

Late? It's only 7:00.
Isn't there
any more coffee?

Oh, no.
I don't drink coffee.

Elvira will probably find you
something to eat.

Wait a minute.

You've had all night
to think about it.

Now dig up that money.
No stalling around.

Or I go in there
and kill all those people.

You're too late, they've gone.
I sent them all away
last night.

I told them it wasn't safe
with a lunatic like you
in the house.

What do you mean they're gone?
No, they ain't gone.

Frank, have you
gone crazy, too?

Those are for the mice.

And so are you,
you old goof!

Do you dig up that money
right now,
or do I use this on you?

I haven't quite decided.

I am going into the parlor
and talk to Richard.

Maybe he'd like me
to join him.

What did I tell you?
I knew she'd see it
our way.

[giggling]

[exclaiming]

Good morning, Theodore.

Morning, Miss Monica.

You had another death
in the family.

I'm afraid so, Theodore.

Most disconcerting. Especially
with no accommodations.

Ma'am?

I want you to take a message
for me.

Tell Mr. Grimley
I want him to send me
a new coffin right away.

His best. His very best.

A coffin....

You want another....

You had two deaths
in the family?

Not the immediate family.

Distant cousins.

But we must do our best.

Your bill.
Well, I'll pay it right away.

There's no hurry,
Miss Monica.

I know I've got a $5 bill
here somewhere.

No, I'm out again.

Well, Theodore.
Take this $1,000 bill.

You can bring me
the change tomorrow.

Good gosh, Miss Monica.
You shouldn't keep all that
money in your purse like that.

That's an awful
lot of money.

It's the safest place
in the world, Theodore.

It's the safest place
in the world.

Good day, Theodore.

Good day, Miss Monica.

How well,
as the French tell us,
[speaking in French].

I thought rat poison
was charmingly appropriate,
didn't you?

After all,
"Sweets to the sweet..."

And, I can think
of no better time
to segue into our next theme.

After which,
I'll segue back to you.

The opinions expressed
by my sponsor, are his.

Those of you who wish,
may join us again next week.

When we'll be back
with another play.

Goodnight.

* [Charles Gounod:
"Funeral March of a Marionette"]