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(toddler talk)

Uh, we don't get TV in this house,

um, we all have computers.

My daughter and my son are three and two

and they each have their own computers,

and they're lined up next to mommy's computers,

and um, my little girl is really really super smart.

She can use a computer really well,

she surfs around this, online and she uses photoshop

she uses word, I mean she's only three years old

and she can read and write and use a computer

just like an adult, she's pretty amazing.

I didn't plan to be a single mom.

I didn't plan to be stuck in the middle of the desert

where I don't know anybody,

it's just kind of all been thrown for a loop.

(gun shots)

So at that point I said we gotta arrest him,

so we arrested him, and he cried like a baby, didn't he.

"I can't go back to jail! Ahhhhhhhh!"

and he just cried like a baby.

I said okay.

I gave him the opportunity to make very small

reasonable payments, he didn't make any of the payments,

I warned him if he didn't make the payments

I was gonna come and take his grandma's car.

That's what he forced us to do, and the day that

I took this car his little 87-year-old grandma

or mother was out there with her walker

watching us take her car.

And it was one of the hardest things

I've ever had to do but you know what?

Business is business.

(gun shot)

So. Now the clay is pretty much conditioned,

it's ready to be worked with.

We're gonna give ourselves, a base,

and then uh, he will be put into action.

I would see if he can find a girlfriend.

Since he's gone throughout this radical surgical procedure,

to have his penis re-installed.

Imagine how happy he is when he wakes up

and finds out, he's got a dick again.

Wow, you know that's a,

that's a big day in the coyote's life.

Huh?!

And I knew that, getting this opportunity to be

on a mainstream show, I knew my whole life,

like, once I got out to LA, once I could get on a

reality show, and get the opportunity to show people,

like, about me, that that would be the big thing

I need to move forward mainstream.

I just need that one opportunity to get there.

No! What happens is it like, it like,

like, you're trying to put it in it like bends.

And you, it's better if it's like a solid one.

That's reality right there.

No, I'm not kidding.

But, like, one like this, then it doesn't, it goes faster.

(laughing)

And he comes from, of course the uh,

story of the old testament, the story of Josean.

Um, and this is kind of a modern day adaptation of that.

(unintelligible conversation)

That is amazing,

that is amazing and God bless you and take care.

I'm definitely still growing spiritually.

I don't think you can ever quit growing.

There's always room to get closer to God

and things to learn about him and...

ways to change your life and to improve.

It is a mess.

You're a mess.

It's a mess.

(laughing)

But that's the way gnocchis are.

A little bit of a mess.

It's like, a guy told me once, when he was painting.

Is that how you, how it was more basic and then he went in.

Well it wasn't more basic, it was just a painting I did

and then one day I took it out and I just

started painting all this other stuff in there

and just went in with this reds and...

I don't, I don't remember what it looked like before,

I can't remember, I just, very hard to keep

a band together and I only wanna play

with certain guys that I really love playing with.

Cause it all comes together,

it's like summer theatre you know.

Wow!

I got a barn, and I got to, I got to ,

I got the instruments, we'll put our own show on!

You know what I mean.

It all still has that, that element.

This is uh, one of the Chinatown series.

From my home town. After the mill closed.

I mean, pretty much closed.

What'd you get last year,

for your birthday, from Aunt Lynny?

I think a Power Ranger suit.

You got what? No, you didn't!

You didn't get a Power Ranger suit that was for Halloween.

You got an electric guitar--

A 'lectric guitar--

A REAL electric guitar!

Why? Because you told aunt Lynny you wanted

to grow up to be a rockstar.

You know what, I just see a beautiful girl

and I just wanna hug her!

(laughing)

Well, I love this one right here, so I telling you.

I currently reach out to women and men

in the sex industry and the porn industry

and I absolutely love pulling them out of the pit

the porn industry pit.

It's 1800 square feet and, the guest house is

around 600 square feet.

That little garage area, I don't know.

Um, it took me about a year to really get serious

about studying, and, it took me three times

to pass the test but I did it and,

(deep breath), here I am.

(laughing)

Got into real-estate,

I've been in it for five years.

Yup.

Dark and mild.

No, he likes the dark heavy.

Dark heavy.

When I'm at home, I run around with no makeup on,

a pair of sweatpants, bare foot, a t-shirt,

and I'm usually out in the yard digging.

Because I like to plant things,

I like to grow things. Or decorating my house.

I like to do crafty things, like, you know, I don't,

I know I don't seem like the domestic goddess!

But I, I, I like to make things for the house

and I love to cook. And, I'm a very good cook.

I had a little bit, of, a, some bad terrible

terrible news, uh, this April.

Um, I was diagnosed with uh, stage three melanoma cancer.

So for the past four or five months

I've been dealing with that and on chemo.

They recommended complete dissection of the lymph-nodes,

and then to be on heavy-dose interferon,

which would be uh, intravenous,

which I would get five times a week,

for the first month, and then after that,

three times a week, for eleven months,

for the rest of the year.

And um, it's, it's been tough.

It's actually great here, cause,

how many porno stars live here? I know--

There's some more uh,

there's some more coming in uh, Sunset,

uh, Houston, uh, Taylor Saint-Claire just moved here.

What, whatever happened to uh,

she was really hot, but I loved her.

What happened to that um...

oh godammit, I don't know their names

I'm really bad with this, um--

You remember their tits. Yeah.

Oh god, she was um, oh that doesn't make any difference.

She was living here for a long time she was so hot.

(unintelligible conversation)

Oh yeah, she just moved outta town,

yeah, she just moved outta town.

And uh, that's the only thing I missed out on in life.

I've done, pretty much everything I wanted.

I did wanna have kids, didn't have the opportunity

to meet the right woman the right time,

so I do kinda miss out on that,

but uh, nobody gets everything there's other guys

that have great kids and they love every minute of it

they kinda wish they were me, fantasy wise,

but um, nobody gets everything.

*

I started modeling in ninth grade.

My mom put me through modeling school,

I graduated from modeling school,

started doing beauty pageants,

and model searches, and bikini contests.

So, I was exposed, to, not so much the adult industry

but just knowing that I could make money with my body.

I had a roommate at the time,

um, that was a dancer, and she knew an agent,

his name was Jim Salf.

He said, "Hey, there's a producer that saw your picture

and he'd like you to come do a movie

how would you like to do a movie?"

And I said, uh, well, I've never done a movie before

but sure, I could do it, no problem.

I went down and I had braids like Bo Derek

at the time and, did my first scene.

It was a three-way.

I had never even, been with a woman,

I didn't know what to do with a woman,

I had, no idea what I was doing.

But the minute those lights hit me,

I swear that was where I was supposed to be.

Everyone said do it, do it, do it.

And the more you do the more money you can make

dancing on the dance circuit, the more magazines you can do,

the more you're exposed, you can,

I mean gosh, I have a sex toy line,

now we wanna do an action figure of you.

Okay!

I mean, all of it was just like, cool!

You know, sign me up! Sure!

I was just having a blast, I mean, there were fans

lined up for miles and miles and miles that flew,

I mean some people came from Poland and Berlin,

and come to think of it when I went to Poland,

to um, sign autographs and whatever,

I mean, when I got off the plane I needed a body guard!

I mean, for a porn star to be that big, around the world,

I mean, it was un-believable, I mean felt like a--

I was a true super star!

I mean people, were knocking each other down.

Heeeere's Houston!!!!

(cheering)

Over the Dali Lama in the newspaper,

I was the headliner. I mean, that's unbelievable.

I was still under contract, I was with Metro Productions

for a few years, and they're the ones that also produced

uh, the Houston 500, the world's biggest gang-bang.

Um, at that point when I first signed with Metro,

it was already known going in that I was gonna takeover,

uh, Jasmine Saint-Clair's title and do this gang-bang.

So, going into my contract with Metro,

I already knew that I was gonna be doing that,

so, I wasn't, I wasn't looking for things to,

oh I've gotta be more crazy and wild,

you know honestly it just all came to me naturally.

Like, I mean, I had a labiaplasty,

and that was before a lot of women even knew

that they can get their labia trimmed

if you have larger labia lips and you know,

when I did that it was like, oh, it was just a no brainer

I'm gonna encase that in lucite and auction it.

The trimmings.

I mean, it's just things just came to me,

I was just a publicity whore.

I was good at it.

I had invested my money, uh, I bought a home,

as well as, um, put a lot of money in mutual funds,

and many years ago when the stock market went kaput,

I lost, like, almost all my savings.

And that hurt me.

Um, but I did still have my house that I owned in LA,

um, and then when things got rough of course I sold it,

not for financial reasons but when I wanted

to get out of the industry.

I'm professor of communications studies

and psychology at UCLA.

I study a variety of topics, but one of the major areas

that I study is pornography.

I'm Faith, and since 1984 I've done about 600 films.

About a thousand scenes, give or take.

Um, I've won several dozen awards for acting

in sex performances and fan favorite and this and that.

I think it might be up, this year for best non-sex role

cause I've also moved into the occasional character part

that doesn't involve having sex.

I write about the sex industry pretty much

from the fall of 1995 until the fall of 2007.

"The History of X: One Hundred Years of Sex in Film"

is the name of my first book.

I've been in the adult entertainment industry

for basically 35, 36 years, in every capacity.

I started as a writer, became an actor,

director, agent, and now I'm sorta the, papa bear

to the adult entertainment industry, protecting

adult welfare, which I run, and, watch over the overaged

juvenile delinquents and what I refer to as

the playpen of the damned, which is the X-rated industry.

What we give them in the adult entertainment industry

for a brief shiny moment is immortality,

validation, and credibility.

Every one of us, no matter how insignificant

we may think we are, wants to be recognized

at one time or another in our lives,

and when you went to those conventions they lined up

at your booth like they were getting signatures

from professional athletes.

My parents divorced. My dad took us far away

from our mother, and ran away with us.

He became an alcoholic.

Then I moved in with my mom

and the family relationship changed, um,

I felt kind of lost.

I worked a regular job, um, in an office,

for five years, but while I was doing those things

I also found um, a modeling website

and I put my pictures on the website,

and then um, you know, I was still working in the office

but people were emailing me about doing shoots.

And I thought it would be cool to do,

like, bikini stuff, or, even though I never really

even walked around in bikinis I thought it would be,

kind of neat.

So, eventually, I did take a job, um doing,

um, you know they were only asking me

to do nudes and eventually I just did it.

I went to my first shoot, in like a hotel room,

and um, it was just supposed to be topless,

and it, was, it was really scary.

Um--

It was weird.

Well ever since I, since I got into the business,

I always got emails, that said that you,

you don't look quite comfortable,

and I think that it was the innocence,

that, attracted my, a lot of my fans,

is that I didn't look totally comfortable in anything I did,

and even if I was speaking I didn't look

totally comfortable and I never looked confident,

I wasn't very verbal, I wasn't, you know,

over the top with the noises or anything, um.

I dunno, I just started feeling, really depressed about it.

Honestly.

And, then I hit rock bottom myself,

emotionally, where I um, got really upset

and I'd go in the bathroom and I threw a glass

on the ground and then I um, just crying

and fall to the ground and just started like,

pounding my wrists into the glass, and blood was,

just started going everywhere, and...

I dunno, I just kinda lost that hope.

I did have a stalker, um, he started off

just sending me hate-mail.

He's an atheist, so he was pretty much,

putting down what I believe in

and trying to get me to debate him.

He, heh, became obsessed with me

and developed like this, crush on me.

And then I told him we would never date,

I don't know you I don't know where you live,

you're too young, blah blah blah.

And um, he flipped out.

(nervous laughing)

The thing that pushed me to the edge

was he said he was gonna, um, he wanted

to bash my head into the concrete

until my brains spilled out.

And then kill my cat and stuff like that.

A few fans had emailed me the last year or so

and said they were praying for me

and that they were not looking at porn anymore,

and, you know, and then I had this other guy saying

you need to put a warning on your website

because kids can see this

my fourteen-year-old son found this, and then--

Just all kinds of people were like,

sending me these emails, random emails and--

You know it uh, and of course I would,

I was always kind of sympathetic

to whatever they said but, um, there was some,

you know I was still kind of hardened too,

at the same time, because I was like well,

I can't do anything else, this is what I'm good at.

This is all that, I know.

And, I kind of believed it at the time.

I didn't have anybody you know,

saying, you're better than that.

So, um... (nervous laughing)

Some adult stars do "find god" and leave,

but those are people who needed,

who needed to be gone anyway, and did not have

the personal strength to do it and so they do

look outside for something to help them leave.

Um, there are plenty of people in the business

who really shouldn't be here, because they have

conflict about-- if I was-, if I'd been raised

to be ashamed of my body, and to feel bad

about men and their and the horrible desires,

but, did porn for other reasons eventually those two things

are gonna co-, wheels are gonna come off the bus.

I can only deny it so long, people try to deny,

they stuff their feelings with, with drugs,

and alcohol, or whatever it is they stuff their feelings with

and after a six months, one year, five year,

ten years, whatever it finally goes you know what?

I can't do this anymore.

Because for religion and especially western religion,

especially Christianity says I love you,

I forgive you, you can come home now.

And I will not push you out.

And so that is incredibly powerful and incredibly potent

to have someone finally say I don't shame you.

I love you.

You're welcome here.

Sign me up!

When you're involved in this industry

you lose your humanity.

You're no longer treated as a human being

by eighty percent of people out there.

You're now, now scum.

Like they maybe wanna, do certain things with you.

But then, you're still scum.

And, like if, they may be thrilled to have

a roll in the sac with you but when they leave,

when you leave they're gonna wanna burn the sheets.

Uh, ah, I got into porn by accident.

It wasn't something I planned on doing,

uh, probably mighta been the, the least likely thing

I thought I woulda done.

I was singing in bands after I,

a baseball thing didn't work out,

uh, I knew I could sing so I started singing in rock bands.

And of course like all struggling musicians

you gotta make a little extra dough on the side.

It actually, my, my first naked job I was a nude art model

for like you know college art classes and stuff like that.

And I was really kinda shy but not about my body

just about talking I was kinda shy about talking.

but yeah I'd get naked in front of people

so I did that and a couple girls in one of the classes

asked to take some pictures of me and they did and--

They came out pretty good and they said can we send them

to some magazines I said I don't care do what you want.

And they sent'em out and and next thing I know

I got a letter from Playgirl, and, but High Society

said they like to do a boy/girl thing but I said alright.

So it was the first thing I ever did.

And they had a woman editor and at the end

of the shoot she goes you know uh,

I noticed you were taking care of business pretty good,

did you ever think about doing a porn movie

cause I got some connections.

And I go, I never really thought about it, no.

She goes well you know, I think, I can get you 250 bucks.

Like, 250 bucks man!

1978 that was some good cash,

that's what I was making a week!

So I said uh, alright I'll try it, you know.

So I did it and uh, guess I was good at it

cause they kept calling me back.

And uh, that's kinda how it got started.

I, I used to say it's like borrowing somebody's body

to masturbate with.

Uh, excuse me, if you're not busy do you mind

if I jerk off in your pussy with my dick?

Uh, it's kinda like that, which it's not bad,

I mean you know, better than real jerkin' off, but--

When I first started producing up-and-comers

I get this letter in the mail and I open it up

and I see this unbelievably, good-looking,

very young looking blonde girl,

with beautiful natural boobs,

little baby face, and she wants to know

if I can help her get in the porn biz.

Girl's name was Jenna Jameson.

I remember saying this I mean holy christ

if I get this girl to shoot for me

we're gonna sell some tapes.

I said well if you don't wanna do guys you know

I'll let you pick whatever girl you want

if you wanna do that. And she liked girls.

so she picked this girl that I happened to be working with

that day who was doing her first movie, Kylie Ireland,

so Kylie and Jenna were doing their thing together

and uh, everything was going good, and they took

a little break and while they were lying there I--

I think I said something like,

man Jenna that's a tasty looking pussy you got.

And I believe she said well why don't you come in

and taste it.

I went--

Okay, I was doing the camera but I handed it

to my assistant, Bob hold onto this, start shooting.

So I get in there and I start going down on her

and she starts squealing that little squeal that she had

and um, I'm guessing she's kinda liking it you know,

and seemed like she was getting off and everything's good

and I said man, I am so fuckin' horny now.

I said would you guys mind maybe like,

giving me a double blowjob or something?

And they said sure, we can do that, and I'm like--

Thank you, thank you!

And they did and it went well and a week later

she kinda called me back and said you know what

you weren't so bad I think I could probably do

a boy girl thing with you and the rest is

kinda history after that.

Getting "It's a Daddy Thing" number three!

Old man, can make a comeback!

Yeah!

So there baby, no viagra yet!

Um, and it, you know, it's cool you do your thing,

you go home, you came, you relax you know but,

I'm kind of an affectionate kinda guy,

and so I kinda miss that part of it and that's why

I still like having a relationship,

when it happens, you know.

And uh, you know for example eh, Tera Patrick man,

not only was she incredible in bed

but there was just, I just liked her.

And, that that, sense of humor and the craziness,

a little bit different, you know.

So, I hadn't dated anybody in so long when I met her

I forgot how to do it, and uh,

I did ask her out to dinner twice,

and we went out to dinner and we had a good time

but I dropped her off at her place without asking her

if I could, come in.

And I don't know eh, I might have,

she mighta thought I was weird.

I already had sex with her a couple of times, on camera,

and she mighta thought it was weird that

I didn't wanna come up and finish the date,

but I was kinda showing her that I wasn't just there

for the sex, and, maybe it wasn't a good move

cause you leave a beautiful woman like that

alone for too long and somebody else is gonna come along

and somebody else did come along and,

that was that.

She made it today, this is Tera Patrick.

Hello.

And uh, Tera is reasonably known in the business

and hasn't even worked that often.

Apparently.

Um.

I was just trying to pace myself right now.

One of my all time favorites.

Most of the people who seek it out don't have means

of making that kind of money by other means.

I mean very few women say hmm,

I'm going to become a surgeon or I'm going

to become a pornography star.

This country does not raise people

with a very good work ethic.

They don't know how to do anything else.

They don't know how to do retail,

they don't know how to do Excel spreadsheets.

Many people who make their way to adult entertainment,

like rock-and-roll, are not suited for nine-to-five work.

I, ran away from home at sixteen

and was living on the streets at seventeen.

Uh, everything I owned was in two garbage bags.

Um, my parents were saying I hope you just kill yourself

and make life a lot easier for the rest of us.

Uh, it was just on and on and on so there I was

out on the streets and then, when I got taken in

with a foster family, um, I made sure that

I kept finishing school with good grades

because that was gonna be my future that

was gonna be my ticket outta there and then

when I went to college on full academic scholarship

I never actually went to classes.

I said okay I've got free room and board,

I need to make money.

I need to get some sort of security and stability

in my life so I don't have to turn tricks

to get food to eat.

So I took up stripping, I went to all the local strip bars,

and from there I started doing magazines in New York City.

I would take a train to New York CIty

on weekends and do magazines.

And then, uh, a photographer said he knew a director

in California named Bud Lee who could direct me

in some movies if I wanted to do that.

So um, I packed up my suitcase and a teddy bear

and went out to LA.

Made a movie for Bud Lee, married him, didn't come back.

The reason that I wanted to do porn,

even though I was so smart, Miss MENSA and all that is

uh, it's precisely because I wanted to stop being known

as the nerd the geek the, the one that you come over

and you be nice to me just so you can copy off

of my tests, you know.

(laughing)

I would hang out with some of my misfit friends

and they had, they had adult magazines

hidden under their bed and they would look at them

and I would be peeking over their shoulder going

I wish someone would look at me like that.

And that was just like my wildest fantasy that

someone would think that I was pretty

and sexy and, woo!

All my life I'd just been the nerd and the geek.

So it was like a fantasy come true for me that

someone wanted to see me on the cover of a magazine.

When I got to porn it was like wait, I get to pick

which one of these good-looking guys I wanna sleep with?

And uh, you're gonna pay me for it

and then you're gonna put me on a box cover

and give me tons of money?

(laughing)

It was just uh, a really big step up

from where I was coming from.

Porn wasn't all that much of a mental challenge

for me shall we say, um, standing there

and saying my silly lines just, it didn't take up

a whole lot of my day so meanwhile

you got a lot of time to sit around

and wait so uh, I just kept myself busy

by learning every single job on the set.

Um, I (laughing) I would get

the grips to take me down to the grip truck

and show me the names of everything on there

and teach me how to do everything by showing up

with my little grip belt and my shorts and my gloves

and no shirt on.

(laughing)

and I would ask very nicely if they would teach me

their job and they did, and uh,

much the same way I learned editing,

directing, producing, scriptwriting,

um, every job on the set I've gotten.

If you look on IMDB my name has got all credits next to it

I did everything.

I even designed my own box covers.

Um, what made me different was I was the first half-asian

to become an A-list star in the business.

Um, before I'd started there was the white girls

and the black girls and the asian girls

and each had their own separate genre,

and, they didn't mix, you, you don't put

an asian girl in a white girl movie.

(laughing)

It's just the way it was.

And then when I came in and I was only half-asian

the features were soft enough that they could still

put me on a cover and I could still be a white girl,

or and asian girl, they could play me either way.

Or they could play me as an Indian or a Gypsy,

or, Greek girl!

They gave me all the different roles.

So they just, they wound up using

my look as very versatile.

And so I became the first "cross-over" star

from a minority, and then uh, I guess they did pretty well

with me cause after I left Vivid they got Koby Tie,

who was full asian, so, I kinda opened the door

for the minorities to become A-listers.

I, I hated doing live appearance.

Oh I'm getting sweaty just looking at this picture.

(laughing) Yeah.

I spent like all year long dreading the CES Show.

I would just have to keep telling myself

they're more scared than you are,

they're more scared than you are.

Cause I'd smile and I'd say "So what's your name?"

and they'd go-- (laughing)

they'd just look at me. Okay what's your name?!

If you see my very first interviews from when

I was nineteen, twenty years old,

I said I'm gonna retire when I'm thirty.

And people would laugh and say

oh you've got it all planned out.

There really wasn't any question about it.

I had, gotten married, and, then divorced.

And I met someone who had adult bookstores.

So I basically got my introduction

to the adult entertainment world through working

in adult bookstores, and then consequently

owning adult bookstores and I saw the women

that were doing movies at the time and, I was just,

amazed, because, they had pimples on their rear-ends,

they had on no makeup, their feet were dirty,

their hair was dirty, and I thought my god,

this is not a really good representation of women.

I wanna do that.

I mean I had done, um, a few magazines and a few uh,

like, 8 mm loops, and then I came to California,

and I picked up one of the free papers and,

there was an ad.

My family was very, very okay with what I did

because I did tell them what I was about to do

before I actually did anything.

I mean I'd done a couple of photo shoots,

and decided that I needed to tell my family

before it got out there because I didn't want

them finding out from someone else.

And they're like well do, you think

you can make money at it?

You think you can have a good career and be happy doing this?

And I said yes I do, and they said good, go do it.

We had a very small community of people,

of players, that we all worked with.

And we all worked with each other quite a bit.

So the community was small, we were familiar

with one another, and, we actu--

it's like when you, have a, a new boyfriend

or new girlfriend or a new husband or wife,

it takes a little while before you know what

pushes their buttons, what turns them on

what makes them feel good, and then it starts

to become very intimate, and, you can actually,

have an intimate relationship with the person

you're working with on screen,

and be fond of them after the movie is over.

Um, but they're just generally sweet nice people.

I was being offered parts in movies,

in, or photo shoots or what have you,

and they didn't want to pay me the amount of money

I wanted, and I said no. I just, I held out.

So, um, and subsequently I started stripping,

going across the, basically across the world stripping.

And uh, doing photo shoots with Club Magazine predominantly.

And um, so they didn't see me in front,

people didn't see me in front of the camera

so they thought okay, she's retired.

I've been retired and come back so many times

I can't keep track anymore.

I've also been dead a few times.

I saw an add in the paper it said "Nude fun, big bucks."

and uh, it was an audition for an X-rated movie.

Two days later I get a call from the producer,

they wanna give me a part in the movie.

I hadn't planned on that.

At the time, I had applied to the Hebrew Union Seminary

in Cincinnati, where they uh, train people

to become Rabbis.

So I'm trying to measure, do I wanna do this,

or do I wanna be in a porn movie because it seems

if I take the part in the porn movie I maybe,

um, cutting some of my options off, for future life.

And the uh, seminary in Cincinnati said we'll take you

but the first two years you have to go to Jerusalem

and study Aramaic, which, I would rather go

to Cleveland and study their sewer system.

Um, no interest there.

So I decided I would make the porn movie.

And, in any case the kind of Rabbi I would become,

would be the kind that could've made a porn movie.

And uh, I went ahead and did the job.

I think I had to become a sex star just

to come back to normal!

Cause I'd been so humiliated by being the fat kid!

I had the largest breasts in the seventh grade!

The guys would make fun of me

and point at me and tease me!

Do you know how deep those scars go?!

That's ugly shit!

Those are the people that become centerfolds!

Cause they got something to prove.

I was lucky enough to uh, be in the era when they were

actually trying to make movies where you needed

to remember lines.

And I had the, I was good at that.

So, I got hired for my acting ability,

which being a good actor in porn,

is like being the wisest man in the kingdom of the fools.

He promised that I could fuck you next.

He what?!

Gah!

Ow!

(screaming)

Let him alone!

I said let him alone!

(shrieking)

Ow! Ah, oh uh!

Get the fuck outta here!

My ankle! Ow, my ankle!

I was terrible at the sex.

Just rotten!

I was just so traumatized by it.

But I eventually did learn how to have sex on camera.

I was on the beach in San Diego and uh, I was by myself.

and I'm sitting there, and I notice there's a,

really beautiful woman, laying on a towel and so

my gaze drifts over to her and her boyfriend looks at me

and sees her-- and I look away.

And then eventually I'd drift back and I'm looking

at her again and the boyfriend sees me looking

at her again and I'm like shit.

Well the guy gets up, and he starts walkin'

over towards me and I'm going Oh no! Here we go.

You know, this is gonna get ugly.

And he gets close to me and I,

I'm just clenching my fist ready to defend myself.

The guy's a monster, I'm gonna get killed,

I know it, and he leans in and he says

"Were you in Insatiable?"

(laughing) And I went YES! YES!

I was so happy that's what it was, he recognized me

from the movie business and he wasn't gonna

kick my ass it was a true delight.

A true delight.

We became friends at that point.

I hadn't told my parents that I was doing this.

I told them I had, was doing commercials

and low-budget nothing, and, well, that I,

I knew that they weren't gonna be.

I didn't suspect they would be very approving

of this kinda stuff.

I made the original call prepared

to become the black sheep of the family.

It didn't happen.

I'm sure they were less than thrilled.

When my mother would be at the grocery store

the next day and they say

"Good to see you, how you doing?

What's going on?"

"Well! My son the doctor's

coming back from Israel, and my other son,

he makes shmackle movies in California!"

Well I think people may have a negative reaction

to someone who's a porn star for a combination of reasons.

One is, somebody who seems to indiscriminately

be willing to sleep with anyone,

whether it's on film or not, is,

no matter what people say, still not somebody

who's particularly admired and,

again may pose a threat to many relationships.

It is legal work, but it's fucking.

With pictures.

People say "you should, should go into politics"

There's too many pictures with dicks in my ass,

it's like, it's not going to happen.

It happened by happenstance.

I came up with some friends and I went to a club

called The Rainbow, and, I met there Althea Flint,

the wife of Larry Flint, and a photographer that

she had in tow, and they approached me and invited me

to their table, and asked me if I wanted to go to a club

and have some drinks and I did.

And she was, doing an interview for Sting,

and we were up there looking to meet some rockstars,

you know, we were just girls.

Doing our thing.

And she took us in her limo, she had this black limo that

had this Think Pink on the license plate and this,

I think it was a naked lady on the side of it.

And I was so impressed by that.

She said what do you do and I said I'm a model

and she said Wow!

I sh-- you know, I, I own Hustler Magazine

and we're gonna put you in Hustler.

So, that was that!

Um, I went into Hustler and um, started doing magazines.

My brother found out and, he had tried to talk me into it

many times, because everybody always said Hey Buck!

Can you get your sister to do a movie oh my god!

And, um, you know, we never worked together,

on set, but, we always championed each other's careers.

And so my brother said to me, um, I want you to do a movie.

And he set it up with Sin City,

it was actually done for Sin City and it was called

Babewatch, and it was for my brother's Babewatch series,

cause he said if you're gonna do movies for anybody,

you have to do, you have to do one for me, sis,

so I said okay I will.

And the sex was real, you know,

you'd say, how do you want the blow-job?

And he'd say, how do you like the blowjob?

And that would be it, you know and that,

we would build off of that.

You know, I was the kinda person,

it, I lived a life of excess,

and people would invite me to parties,

and they would think Wow!

if I offer her some party tools, then,

I'm gonna have my night set up,

I'm gonna wind up getting laid all night

by this beautiful porn star.

And then as my addiction went through another door,

they'd hand me the bag of coke and I'd wind up

in the bathroom all night, you know,

and you wouldn't be able to drag me out of the bathroom

and I'd be like don't touch me!

and oh!

And all of my life started to kind of spiral.

I wound up getting arrested, um, on the highway,

and the police knew exactly who I was,

when I got arrested, and, they wanted

to make an example of me with the court system.

They knew that I was, you know,

a big porn star, and um, the gig was up.

And I had to face it.

And it was the greatest thing that ever happened

to me when I look back on it now because,

it really brought me into reality.

For the women, they're much more damned by society

because no matter how sanctified they are,

they're still considered to be whores,

and it's getting worse and worse and worse

because a lot of them have turned to,

what I am vehemently opposed to,

the escort services, to further their career.

In many ways, it has a dehumanizing quality,

because what you're responding to are a set of,

physical cues.

You are responding to the body,

and you're responding to the sexual acts per say

in a way that is quite animalistic.

And, having a more full depiction of the person

may even detract from the ability to use it purely

as masturbatory or other kind of sexual stimulation.

You can take every other category,

every other idea, every other thought.

Basically happiness and success in life all boils down

to what are the quality of your bonds with other people.

Having anything to do with the adult industry hacks

away those bonds, so you're isolated, alienated,

um, pushed away to the margins,

and not treated as a human being.

That's a recipe for disaster, for me and for anyone else.

Um, when I was in college a couple of us on the dance team

worked at Hooters so I was working at Hooters,

I love doing that, a lot of the girls at Hooters

were telling me how I would make a lot of money stripping

and then I had a boyfriend in college who brought me,

I went with him and his friends to a strip club one night

because they always used to go watch amateur night.

He's like I think you could win,

I think you could beat these girls at amateur night

so I entered and I won, I got first place out of twelve girls

in the amateur contest, and I got $500.

So I was like this is a really cool job I get to drink,

and dance and make money.

This is way better than anything else I can imagine.

When I was twenty-one I used to watch a lot

of those cinemaX movies and so I went to uh,

Blockbuster and I got the address off the box

of a cinemaX movie and I mailed some Polaroids

of myself and a a few headshots I had taken,

um, like, and just pictures and I mailed it

and I wrote this letter about how I think I'd really like

to be in the movies.

And I heard nothing and then three months later

I actually got a call from Playboy.

Coming to this industry I pretty much came into it

thinking okay I'm going to somehow be one

of the most well-known pornstars of all time.

I wouldn't wanna come into it and just be another girl

that was around for two years

and then have to go be a hooker. You know.

After I did the Hus- the Playboy thing,

um, I shot for Hustler, the next month I came out to LA,

um, within three weeks after shooting for Hustler,

um, his wife and his dau- uh his sister,

or, his daughter, told me how much they loved me

and they ended up taking me on the Larry Flint Freedom Tour.

They chose four girls to go with Larry Flint

to like different Hustler stores on the freedom tour

and they chose me and then Hustler had me,

my very first day being on the show um,

a Hustler chose me to sign at their booth,

cause they don't have contract girls they pick girls.

And then a month later there was a Magic Convention

which is a clothing convention and Hustler was launching

their clothing and Hustler had chosen me

to be the model of their clothing and they made,

you know, pictures of me modeling it.

So I really didn't think about life after porn

because I just couldn't believe how like,

all these things kept happening.

I mean just the things that happened to me as a new girl

in porn don't happen to most new girls I mean,

I met Larry Flint um,

pretty much my second month in the business.

So I didn't think about life after.

I just said-- I just always said

I'm gonna get married and have kids.

I used to say by twenty-seven.

Now I say I wanna get married by thirty

and have kids by thirty-two.

When I was married I only did girl-girl.

I left my husband and did boy-girl.

Um, when I got back with my husband at kickass

I only did girl-girl again, we split up,

I did boy-girl, heh!

Then I took like a hiatus for about six-seven months

and didn't shoot anything.

And that's when I met this guy,

um, who's my, ended up becoming my fiance,

but we were dating, and I didn't do boy-girl

when I was with him for the first six months,

and then he was like, don't you think you should go

get a new porn contract because that's extra income

we can have every month.

And I was like well, you want me to have sex

with other guys?

And he was like well, it's only six times a year

you're gonna do it, and it's with a condom.

I was like okay.

Then of course, like, two days before the movie

my ex was like, I don't want you having sex with other guys.

Arrrrg! Arr!

Let go of me!

Your derrière may be pretty, but that don't mean

it's bull-worked from a promiscuous lashing.

SLAP!

Ow!

*

Every two-and-a-half months I'd have to shoot

a boy-girl scene and er- usually about two days before

he would start being really mean to me,

and calling me names, even though he was the one

who wanted me to do the movies.

Then, on the day when I'd go to shoot the movie

he'd go out with his friends and get really drunk,

then he usually would not kiss me or anything

for two days later, then when my check would come in

he's like that's my check, I let you have sex with other people.

And then when I would be asleep sometimes,

I'd be asleep and I'd hear him watching my movies.

He'd go and put it in like slow motion

and make sure the guy wore a condom

and I wasn't lying about it.

Um, let's see.

The most I ever made in a month was probably when

I was running for governor because my website

was making around twenty-thousand a month

and then my online store selling t-shirts and buttons

made about ten-fifteen thousand a month,

and, I felt really bad cause I didn't have time

to mail'em all out so I just ended up

not mailing people their orders.

I feel really bad about that.

Um, and then my contract was six thousand a month

and I was feature dancing, at that time

feature dancing used to pay a lot more.

That was like, six thousand for like, three weeks.

I dunno how much that is,

maybe like 50, 60 thousand in a month.

That's probably the most.

And then I won a game show around that same time.

I won a game show Who Wants to be Governor of California?

I won another twenty-one thousand.

Um, that was great.

Um, I guess the most in the year would probably

be around 300 thousand.

I mean I don't think I thought I was set for life

I always used to joke with everyone that um,

I'm either going to, just make a lot of money

or I might worst case scenario I'll marry a rich person.

That's what I always said.

(nervous chuckling)

No one comes into this business

to wanna be normal on the back end of it.

Nobody thinks that it's gonna end.

You jump on a merry-go-round you hope the ride never ends.

I don't think many of them can spell the word future.

I don't think they did this as a short term investment

in their own future, but they burned out.

Hookers are hookers.

I mean hookers are people who are looking for a quick buck

with the least amount of effort so they turn tricks.

And, uh, being a porn star is just like,

uh, you know the, the world's oldest profession

so, it's, it's not that complicated,

uh, reality is hard.

A lot of people blame, blame the industry for their problems

but, uh, then they get out in the real world and find,

lots of problems in the real world too.

I grew up in Pensilvania, um, in the steel-mill towns.

Worked in the steel-mills, I drove cabs,

it was sorta typical things, uh, people do.

There I did some illustrations for magazines,

in New York and eventually, started playing uh, music.

Did that for a while.

And then I came out to California

and end up getting into dirty movies.

(laughing) Just met some people.

Actually I was gonna do a uh, a photo spread,

I was gonna do some photography of some girls

who were in the business.

I had an idea I would do a photo shoot of them

and then a little interview.

And, some people I knew from illustrating magazines

in New York said yeah, we'll see what you come up with,

if it's good we'll pay you and everything so I met the--

these two girls, and, before I knew it, uh,

I was, in the movies! (laughing)

So that's sorta how that started.

But you know when I was working it was,

it wasn't like it is today, it was,

I'd maybe work forty days a year and maybe fifteen

to twenty days were sex days.

And today they work every day of the week.

Maybe twice a day.

You know, viagra shootin' up their cocks and stuff like that

I mean it's just they're ruining their sex life

for the rest of their lives, I'm telling ya!

I just think there's too much going on,

I mean just your personal appetite of it.

I mean, if you're working as a performer

and you're working that much I mean, sex loses it's mystery

in it's sense and it's, I mean I remember being turned on

to a point some times, certain situations

where I would actually shake.

I mean I'm sure everybody's been in that situation

and now that, I hate to see that go away.

I remember one time my dad picked me up from the airport,

and I was coming in for the holidays and he's, and he-

I had, my pictures were in Hustler magazine eh,

they were on, about a movie and, and I think I was

(laughing) I was giving some girl head!

And my father says, "I saw that picture in Hustler."

I said uh, yeah, picture, that, wasn't so good of a picture.

And that's all was said! (laughing)

They never wa-- It was not something

I wanted to expose them to because it wa--

you know it it, it's embarrassing for them.

We were so proud of what we did in some of these movies

we did that were-- that were, that got really big play,

that I actually took her to screenings.

We had these screenings in these theaters.

And I'm taking my wife there watching me have sex

with these people. And, she was,

it was difficult for her but, she appreciated

the work we were doing, but after one or two times

it was like-- or we did that, I said

hey we don't do this no more!

She didn't wanna see any pictures of me or anything.

Although she understood what I was doing and knew

it was the thing that was not gonna be, a situation.

Can I ask you something?

Those cops, they're hung pretty good, huh?

Bet they ain't got what I got.

Nobody's got what I got.

So, yeah, I'd like to retire and paint.

If I had a game plan.

I saved some money but I wasn't that good.

No...

I didn't make that much money though.

Come on, what'd I make?

I mean I, didn't work that much.

You talking about when you were acting?

Save money when he was acting?!

He just didn't have any bills.

I didn't have any bills. See I told you

I didn't have any bills--

And then he got me! Ha ha--

Then she showed up!

I'm a high maintenance, baby.

Then she showed up...

Even if it's not particularly glamourous that day,

you go to work and you get fussed over,

and if it's a big enough production there's

a makeup artist there, and there's, and there's attention,

for people who like attention, um,

and then they get paid! The very same day!

Woohoo!

Now, my great friend Lee Carol once said

as long as you got a cunt, you'll never starve.

But, as a danger to that, because, it wears on your mind.

My parents didn't take, really an interest in my life

and I was also sexually abused at nine-years-old.

I had a teenaged boy and his sister who was my classmate

introduce me to sexuality and uh,

for the first time in my life and it horrified me.

Yeah, as soon as I barely graduated high school,

which, I had to cheat my way through,

my dad ended up coming to me and saying listen,

you're outta the house, and literally kicked me out

on the street with no food, no money.

And so I'm literally sitting out on the curb,

on Sherman Way, that big tough rebellious teenager

was balling her eyes out.

And all of a sudden, this um, beautiful black man

came over to me and says, are you alright?

What's wrong, why are you crying sweetheart?

"I have no money and I have no food

and my dad kicked me out."

He put his arm around me and I- I still to this day

can tell you what that embrace felt like,

and he just said baby I can help you

and I thought Jesus has come to rescue me.

You know I really thought he was gonna help me.

And he said there's a man in the apartment complex

who would love to make love to you.

He lured me in.

I went-- You mean have sex?!

He goes yes, but he's really gentle,

really nice, and you'll get $35.

So, here I am a single mother,

I've done prostitution and stripping,

now for six years I've had, uh,

I've been at gunpoint, I've had stalkers try and kill me,

cops try and bust me, I mean I've been in the mafia

basically for six years.

So, someone came to me says, girl, why don't you do porn?

I said porn? What's that?

It was a lot worse than prostitution, like,

there's a whole crew around,

they're all stroking themselves going--

It was just totally degrading and I went oh my gosh

this is bad, this is really bad.

And then all of a sudden like,

I can't explain it but all the rage I ever felt from,

what my parents did, from childhood, from like,

all the things that men abused me with in prostitution

I just like, let it out, on the screen.

He just said roll it and it's like here I am the newbie

but I like, took over the entire scene, it was weird.

I just went- Rrrraw!

I'm Roxy! The porn star! Like I was pissed!

But at the end of the scene it just ended and I had um,

bodily fluids on my face, and they just kinda went

here's a rag and they just threw it and me

and I just grabbed the rag and went.

And I didn't want them to see me cry,

so I just kinda turned my face and I was like,

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, don't cry,

Shelley, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

Then now all of a sudden I'm involved doing like anal, um,

gang-bangs with five or six different performers

and I'm thinking oh my god.

Now I'm bringing big jugs of vodka!

And everyone's egging you on telling you

no, girl we love you, we're your family now,

you're awesome, and then, and there is

a family atmosphere that they offer.

Porn star karaoke, everybody hangs out

at the same parties, wooooo!

Girl, I love you!

Everyone's very affectionate, and the reason why

they're so affectionate is because that's their family.

Um, they're out, especially in my day, we're outcasts.

In fact I still have scars from suicide attempts.

And I--

I said I don't care, I don't wanna live anymore.

And I took like thirty prescription pills, and uh,

I didn't die, but I knew I wanted out, bad,

and I remember crying to God,

drunk off my ass on Jack Daniels,

thinking if you get me outta this I'll serve you

with my whole life, I swear to god I'll do whatever you want!

Just get me outta this.

I mean, people who are well adjusted

and have good life skills and who are doing something

meaningful and constructive with their lives,

they're not in the industry to begin with so,

the people who are in the industry are really broken

twisted souls without a lot of great job skills

and uh, you know they're turbulent souls.

So, they're always gonna be

twisting and turning in the wind.

We'd spent a lot of time in church.

I actually convinced my mom to send me to Christian School

when I was 14, she found a way to gather up the funds,

and I went and I was very involved in my church,

without her.

You know, it was just, it was me

and my friends and that was how

I grew up and you know,

that all changed when I was sixteen.

(laughing)

I spent the night at a girlfriend's house,

and she, was a teenaged mom, and married,

and her husband, drugged me. With acid.

And I-- At that time I had,

I hadn't even stayed up past ten.

So, uh, I didn't, I wasn't really well versed

in the drug world.

And that changed everything for me.

I did the best I could to graduate high school

as fast as I could and, and move out.

I was outta the house by seventeen.

I knew some people in the adult industry

and I hung out with them and I'm still friends with them now,

I don't blame them for hanging out with me

when I was young cause they were young too, so--

(laughing)

Met a few porn stars, and, just--

Fell in love with them.

I hung out with them until I was over eighteen,

did my first movie, and, you know,

it was on from there.

Well, the first year that I was in the adult industry,

and was doing movies I worked for every company

under the sun.

You know the dirtiest of the dirtiest kinds of companies,

that do crazy stuff.

I worked for anybody, I could, to make a buck.

I told my mom and she flipped out.

She wasn't happy about it but eventually when I,

you know, formed a career, and I signed with Vivid,

and the pictures were prettier,

and the footage was less disgusting, ha ha ha ha!

Um, she came to terms and you know, what's she gonna do?

It is what it is.

Being a Vivid girl is, you know,

it's what every adult industry actress wants to be.

You know Vivid's the biggest best

and most well-known company in the world.

They have the most beautiful girls,

they have the best photographers.

Um, they have the best press.

And, (deep breath), it's yeah, it's,

it's a high class slew of girls.

I would think-- I mean, of course you know,

it's as high class as it's gonna get.

(laughing)

Um, it's a steady income, so I don't know if

I necessarily thought I was better than anybody else,

but I knew I was getting the press that I wanted,

so, I was happy. You know.

I took my movies very seriously.

I studied my scripts.

Half the time I wasn't stoned,

when I did the dialogue, but I took my acting

very seriously because it was the only time

I was ever gonna get to do any acting.

So, I took it seriously! And I loved it!

And um, I thought I was good at it but, you know--

It just sounds so cliche for me to say

I took the acting in my porno movie seriously.

But, but I did.

And that was my favorite part, was the acting.

And sometimes the sex.

(laughing)

You can use drugs and party and drink,

no matter what career choice you have, but,

(deep breath), yes, you're opened up

to the party lifestyle a lot more.

I mean, you hang out with rockstars, you,

you know there's always porn parties to go to, um--

Me, struggling as an addict, of course took advantage

of everything that was there, you know,

all of the alcohol, all of--

all of the drugs, I did 'em all!

(laughing)

Um--

It's not a safe business to be in

if you wanna stay clean.

It's not safe.

Um, and I'm not telling you this

to make you feel sorry for me or anything

but I had an extremely tough childhood,

and um, I think I got very lost for many years.

Um, I didn't know who I was, like many people.

Um, I had a very warped understanding of what love was.

And um, I think because of a lack of love in my life or a,

an inability to determine what love really is

I saw sexual attention, as love.

And when you've suffered a lot of sexual abuse in your life

it's understandable I think why you would feel that way.

Trying to tell you...

at what point I made the decision

to be Tiffany Million is not something I could answer

really in just one neat sentence.

It's kind of a combination of things.

Essentially the whole reason that I even got into

that business to begin with was because I was

a single mother, like many people, and um,

I was living in Southern California, I had no family,

I didn't know that many people,

her father wasn't helping me with her,

and it was pretty scary being a single parent honestly,

and so, I mean I figured, you know

I had a choice: I could work eight hours a day,

and commute an hour or two each way on the freeway,

to make, seven eight dollars an hour,

only to pay out half of that in taxes,

and child care, and my daughter's with you know

heaven knows who during the day,

or I could re-enter the adult entertainment industry

'cause I'd been a stripper years before.

And then I thought, cause I'd always been kind of a fan

of adult films, and I'd so many times I had looked

at those movies and uh, I'd thought man,

you know what I could do that and I could do it better.

You know. And so I thought well heck, why not?

I mean I didn't have a man in my life anymore,

I left her father, and uh, I definitely needed the money,

but really it just afforded me a way to,

work as little as possible to get as much money as I could

to be with my daughter cause that's all

I really wanted I wanted my daughter to have a great life,

and a safe home, in a good neighborhood,

with good childcare, and I wanted

to spend as much time with her as I could.

And working in the adult film industry allowed me

to work a day or two a week and be with my daughter

the rest of the week and make more money

than people than worked, you know,

five days a week, eight hours a day.

What you do in porn films is not sex.

I mean I know you're being penetrated,

but it's like this, you know.

It's like this.

I mean that's what it feels like.

It's just something occupying um, a chasm in your body.

Really-- It's like this.

It's like this that's what it might as well be.

Uh, there uh, there's no emotion there,

there's no feeling, um, you know,

you know, I gotta tell you this funny little story!

I would have so many fans come up to me

at autograph signings whatever and tell me that

I was their favorite porn star,

because all the other girls were faking it

and I was the one that they knew,

man, that I was for real. (laughing)

And uh, and I can tell when a woman's faking it

and I'd be laughing!

Watch my face. Watch my face.

(screaming)

'Cause I'd be like--

I'm the biggest damn faker you ever met!

I mean I'm good, that's why I get paid the big bucks.

Even when I was in the business,

I didn't partake of all of the extraneous activities.

Um, I think I went to several parties only

because there was free food and boozes,

and I would go and I would eat and stuff

and then everybody would go to the after-parties

and I'd be like nah, I'm going home and going to bed.

(laughing)

I've always been early to bed, early to rise.

I never wanted to be a part of that scene and um,

even when I was working in the movies

I always kinda felt like a fly on the wall.

Like I know my body was involved,

because, obviously, I was there.

But I always had this strange feeling

this real feeling of disconnect.

Like I was up here looking down.

When my father died in 94, uh like I said

he left me a whole bunch of money,

and I suddenly realized that I'm free.

I don't have to be her anymore.

And I walked away. And that was it.

No one puts a gun to anybody's head to do this.

If you're not warned about what's gonna happen

then the person who didn't warn you is the person who's

guilty in that respect, but they're doing it

for the one thing that they cannot deny.

That absolute death-wish, for the recognition,

validation, and credibility.

And they're welcome to it, but eventually

their past will catch up to them and they have

to be aware of the fact that X is forever.

When I got into the business, um, I, did have a goal.

It was my "cracked out" goal. (laughing)

But I did have a goal to, be out,

and retired, twenty-six, at the latest twenty-seven.

Um--

And I was out, by twenty-four.

I didn't leave the business because uh, I wanted to.

I left the business cause I felt I HAD to.

That it was the right thing to do.

On November fourth, 1984, was the first headline,

in the San Francisco Chronicle,

regarding the heterosexual transmission of AIDS.

A good friend of mine, who was a mathematician

had read the same article I did and he came over

to my house in the afternoon and he said

"I've done some calculations based on the numbers,

reported here in the story.

And you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I want you to stop."

I had three jobs lined up for December,

my wife said I don't want you to do them.

And my thinking was look, they're just trying

to sell newspapers, that's what newspapers do,

they scare you, and so I don't think the danger is

that real, and I'm gonna go ahead and do these jobs.

So I went off and I did the three jobs.

And when I came home, and we're about to go

to bed, that night, she said to me

"Do you think we should?"

Should? Should what? Have sex?

"Yeah, do you think we should have sex?"

And I said, what are you talking about?

And she said, and I can quote you verbatim,

I remembered this all this time.

She said "Don't you think it would be prudent,

if one of us remained alive, to raise the kids?"

Pchew!

That was the brick wall.

Somebody had offered me a DVD deal, and I--

I knew CD-ROMS didn't do good,

I knew the laser disks didn't do good,

and I thought, uh, this DVD thing,

whatever it is, won't replace video, so I signed it

without having a lawyer look at it or anything,

and by the time DVDs started taking over from videos,

I looked at the contract and found out now

they have my DVD rights, also had internet rights,

and the company wasn't very good.

And once I realized I wasn't gonna make much money

I stayed with Evil Angel my distributor,

for as long as I could, then when they stopped

doing videos that was it.

The ones that do well, are out because they wanna be out,

not because they had to get out.

And, they have made their peace with what they did,

and that shows in their bearing,

and the way that they are, in the world.

The money that I did save up went really quick.

Um, and then I was just, scraping by.

And it was, um, it was the Christian community that

really came alongside me and helped me out.

There would be times when I was,

didn't know how I was gonna pay my rent,

and, somebody, it was just people I don't even know,

just people who've read my story, who wanted to help.

When I left the business I sold my house

in Los Angeles, um, I first- I retired, and then,

um, I decided, I need to get out of L.A.

I needed to get out of L.A.

I mean, everywhere I went, McDonalds drive-thru,

um, nightclubs, the movie theatre, the park,

Universal Studios, I mean, you name it,

I could not, go anywhere. I mean I don't know

how these big celebrities deal with it all.

I mean they must ha--

They have to have bodyguards of course

and stuff like that cause I did not have bodyguards

and I could not handle it.

It's impossible to lead a normal life after you get out of it.

This is forever. This is the scarlet letter.

And it, it never goes away, you'll be dealing with the,

with the implications of this forever.

What, (sigh),

what tends to happen is that it isolates you.

And so you, develop a, a fear of,

being rejected again and again and again

and so you put up walls between you and other people,

and you isolate yourself and you don't join communities,

and, when you're isolated you're less likely

to suffer rejection.

But you're also isolated and living on the edge

so, um, you can never get away from this,

there's no solution.

To go from being uh, a movie star,

to zippo the pinhead overnight,

was just like, devastating to my ego.

If you're looking for a long career in the porn business

you're probably looking in the wrong place.

Uh, the average girl, might be good for, two years?

Two to three years tops for the average girl.

If you're lucky and you're one of the few superstars,

not very many of those, okay then you get uh,

you know, six seven years. Eight years.

And if you play your cards right,

and do your financial thing right, then you can,

you know, make some money and set yourself up.

Overall I guess I'm happy I did it.

I mean the only thing I don't like is that, it,

the main thing I really wanted to do is act and be

in comedies and tv, and I feel like it holds me back.

But I don't know if I would have just stuck

with the normal route if I would've uh,

ended up making it to tv at all,

who knows I'd probably, maybe still be

in Florida going to castings,

maybe I never would have come out here.

So, and I've gotten to do a lot of Cinemax movies

which are really fun too, and all those things

I've gotten to do because of probably the porn.

So overall I guess I'm happy I did it.

Um, uh, part of the reason we're her in Utah is

because porn is illegal here, so uh,

it really helps keep me from being recognized.

That and the forty extra pounds I gained!

But um, now that I'm losing that weight, um,

well I also cut off my hair so that helps too.

But um.

Yeah, everyone's been really cool about,

um, if they find out who I am.

They've been really good about it.

When I took Katty to her new daycare

and they asked, if I had um, reference names for like,

who to call if something happens to Katty I said

I don't know anybody here, I have no references, sorry,

and she thought that was a little bit suspicious,

and so she looked me up online,

I had given her the name Asia Lemon, um,

and from that name she managed to figure out

who I was and so the next day she goes,

uh, you know I did a little Googling on you.

And I was like Ugh! (nervous laughing)

Miss Mormon Mommy of four who did a little Googling on Asia.

I was like, so, you still gonna watch my kid?

Well you know, unfortunately like uh,

one of the reasons I like-- the fact that Vince Neal

has me playing his charity tournament for his daughter

for children's cancer and stuff,

and I played in the Country uh,

Academy of Country Music Awards charity tournament

this year and a few other charity tournaments

cause it's one of the only ways, that porn people can give

to charities, unfortunately in this hypocritical world,

a lot of charities don't want to accept money

from people that are in the sex business.

"Eww, the sex business we can't do that."

Politicians, on the other hand,

who make us look clean as hell,

no problem taking their money.

Uh, unscrupulous business men

who's ripping everybody off, no problem!

But because we have a little sex once in a while,

naw, can't do you and that pissed me off.

I had one interesting moment in baseball

with my son in little league.

I had told nobody about my career,

and uh, one day the manager, who was this big black guy

who was a Stanford graduate, he comes up to me

and he goes, "Gonna be some trouble today."

And I said what do you mean?

He says, "One of the mothers knows who's you are."

He looks at me and he's says "You know I knew

who you were the minute you came on the field."

And he said I'll tell you the truth.

He said "Anybody that's been

in Nina Hartly's booty is okay with me."

(laughing) He says

"I will take care of this." And he did.

MENSA's a high IQ society.

You have to have an IQ in the top two percent, to get in.

I got in, with a notarized copy of my SAT scores.

MENSA didn't want link to my website even though

they linked all the member's websites,

because uh, of who I was, and adult star,

um, so, that was their excuse,

and so I made them a special little webpage of Asia

just like, happy Asia, college pictures and smiling Asia

and, just innocent stuff and it's two pages,

and that's, so that's where MENSA links to now,

instead of my regular site.

And they finally acknowledged me

in their MENSA celebrity issue which was,

a really big moment for me. That was cool.

Wait, how do you say it?

(inaudible) Unprecedented?

Unprecedented? It sounds weird.

Okay. (laughing)

I've done something unprecedented that

nobody else in, the adult industry has ever done.

Um, and that was you know running

for Governor of California, actually two times.

And um, it was amazing, when I first started out,

the owner of my company and I thought that

it was gonna be just like a little fun joke,

see if I could get some press,

maybe get on the van.com, so when I went down

to the courthouse to get my paperwork when we said

I was gonna do it, um, Howard Stern Show

sent a camera crew down, Channel 7, Channel 5,

all the news shows showed up,

Associated Press, writers, and that's when him

and I are like Okay, I gotta get on that ballot

because this is gonna be huge.

I'm going to get rid of the car tax and

put a tax on breast implants instead.

I will legalize gay marriage.

And I will make sure everyone who files

for unemployment gets jury duty.

In other words, California, I'll be a kickass governor,

so vote for me, Mary Carey, on October 7th.

I mean, of course, some of my platforms were very

tongue in cheek, and funny but, you know,

when I was getting towards the end of it

I realized that you know I really wanted

to make a difference and I felt like I really was

making a difference because I was getting a lot

of people who normally wouldn't follow politics

to follow, because of me. And um, you know,

and then I was like what if I win?

(laughing) But, you know,

coming in tenth place is pretty amazing

out of a hundred and thirty-two people.

When I was eighteen years old, um,

I went to uh, real-estate school, just everything

about real-estate just I really liked,

so I figured that I would always, do something with that.

I was working for a builder, uh, a,

a home builder, here, and, corporate,

came to my community and shut the doors

and said we need to talk to you.

Someone recognized you, We know who you are,

and you are too recognizable and it's a,

we're too conservative of a company,

and we're gonna have to let you go.

And so that was right before,

that was a week before I got diagnosed with cancer.

And the ones that got out of this business

and now are being blighted by the society that

jacked off to them.

Well the society are the ones that's guilty for that.

They're damning them for something that

gave them pleasure, but they refuse

to admit that they got the pleasure from them.

and that's a very very sad state of affairs.

Now I was starting to direct,

and I was hired, uh, a couple months later,

to go to Germany to work.

I'd make about eight grand or something like that.

Work eight days or something.

And I didn't wanna do this any more at this time,

I didn't wanna do it any more.

So I left, said goodbye to her, stood in line

two hours, and as I'm going I'm saying I don't wanna go,

I'm saying to myself I don't wanna go,

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna--

And it just built up and built up until I got,

finally got to the point of where,

"May I help you?"

they said, you know, ticket counter,

I said uh, no, I'm not going.

(laughing) I took my bags, I call up Kathleen

and I said baby I'm coming home,

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go to Europe.

I'm thinking about the trip and everything,

I don't wanna do this, I wanna stay home with her.

So, that was pretty much the last thing I did.

Really what got me out of it was my husband.

Because, when I met Ron, he had no idea

who I used to be. Ron loved me, for me.

And you know he could had a much younger woman,

he could had a much better looking woman,

he could had a woman with a lot more money.

But he fell in love with me.

He didn't know anything about that part of me.

And the fact that he accepted me for who I was

and loved me for who I was--

Taught me how to love me.

Really.

And his love for me has reconnected me

with the person that I was before I EVER,

did any of this crap.

All of a sudden Mr. Right came into my life, and I hated him.

Ha! When I first met him.

His whole life he was raised in Christian school

from like, he went to the same school, the same kids

from like kindergarten to like twelfth grade.

He was like most valuable player, he did sports,

his mom had all these trophies.

She has a book this thick

just on newspaper clippings on him.

So I was like jealous already I hated his guts.

He would like knock on my door and I would answer

and go, what do you want?

and he goes "I'm here to clean your house."

And I'd be like, what are you doing?

He goes "You're filthy."

Ha!

Like, cause I didn't cook, and I didn't clean

and I was, and I was, I was falling apart.

So he literally cleaned my whole house.

With rags for me, and um, I just stopped working.

didn't wanna prostitute anymore and lie anymore

and we just hit it off and the next thing you know

we're snorting meth, and next thing you know

we're reading the bible together.

And we're like (sniff) dude!

Did you see like how like God used Joshua like

to conquer all those cities dude.

And he'd be like (sniff) yeah and (inaudible)--

and like I, I mean we're were just like so into the Bible!

And we realized that he had went to Christian school

his whole life and was the pastor's son so he had

a really great Christian foundation and,

I didn't as much as him but, he was so sweet

and he never once pursued me sexually, so, um,

we ended up getting married on Valentine's Day, 1995.

I met my husband in a pool, in Hollywood, Florida.

At the Diplomat Hotel. And he was married

at the time and I had a boyfriend at the time.

And, he was in the middle of splitting up

and I was kinda done with it.

Little Trist.

And, I told him I was in the middle of uh,

putting a webpage together, and, he said oh okay,

and, it had to be maybe three months after

I got my first website up that I got an email from him.

We went out once, that was it.

We haven't been apart since.

Um, my husband died in a car accident

driving home from Las Vegas.

I had asked him not to do this whole gig actually,

um, I was eight months pregnant

and I didn't want him away from me that long,

and uh, he's like "I gotta do it honey",

but he tried, he cut it down to two days

so he was really happy coming home on the second day

that he was all done with this

and he came racing home to be with his pregnant wife

and he flipped the jeep and didn't ever make it home.

Suddenly he's gone and now here I am,

no more income and all these bills to pay

and it was just like one thing on top of another.

And so I, I just, I put up a plea on my website

asking, uh, for donations.

I didn't know what else to do.

No insurance, no money, bills,

and my fans donated, enormous amounts of money.

Um, the kids were completely spoiled,

they got toys and books and presents

and stuff with pictures on it and just it was,

unbelievable it would make me cry all the time

I would open all the mail from all these people

I'd never met and it was just, it was

really wonderful having fans turn out to help me.

Because you know, I'd been online for ten years,

they'd watched grow up and I'd never asked

for anything before and here I was I needed help.

And they helped me.

I faced those up and, up and downs many times.

Certainly with my real-estate practice

and the market and when the market dropped in real-estate,

and now that the market and, you know,

is dropping all the way across the board

I mean the country is in crisis.

Our whole country is in crisis.

It would be really easy for me right now,

to want to reinvestigate, you know, porn.

I definitely wanna have kids.

That's something like, I was actually very depressed

recently because I, I'm realizing that

I'm twenty years old and I'm not married

and I have no kids. And I really want kids.

And, I'd like to have at least two. Maybe three.

Because being an only child I always wished

I had a brother or sister.

I still wish I had a brother or sister.

Like, you know I just, that's something

I've always wanted so.

I have a gorgeous family.

My son is amazing. He's my angel.

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.

She saved my life.

I want my daughter to have a completely different life.

I want her to, go to college is number one.

She's a great student, she's a track star,

she's had to deal with my porn life.

She, um, hates it. She's embarrassed of it.

And, um, she won't let me, she doesn't want me

to go to her track meets, sh--

because she feels someone would recognize me.

We're going to church now, I go to church and I um,

have a strong faith, and I have changed my life

and I want for her everything that--

I, I don't want her to ever have to experience

what I experienced.

In the moment? Thank you!

For being who you are.

Cause you're a pretty cool dude.

(laughing) Oooo!

Ooo, can I get that in writing?!

Sure! I can give it to you in writing!

Um.

You're welcome.

It's interesting.

I mean, what I'm sitting here thinking is, I wonder

how many other people out there can have this kind

of conversation with their parents.

I mean most people can't sit around and think

about their parents having sex, or, um,

especially fucking somebody other than their mother.

I mean that alone would I think

irritate a lot of children.

But, it's very, normalized, in that sex is

a goody that should be enjoyed.

Um, and when you can differentiate between sex

and love and everything that happens in between,

um, it's a huge gift that you can give yourself,

and lovers and partners and friends and family.

And I'm grateful that that's, that's my world.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

She, is my role model. She is my hero.

And, I think I learned a lot from my mom.

She's gone through a lot and I even tell people that

she's my hero and she's my role model.

She's just like whatever, I did it for my daughter

and now she's doing what she wants to she owns

her own business, and no matter how many people

talk down about her she's still does what

she wants to do and she's successful at it.

So, I guess she's just a good example of,

don't let other people bring you down,

just keep doing what you're doing

and you'll be successful in what you wanna do.

So. I'm very proud of you! Just so you know that!

Please don't start crying cause then I'll start crying!

I'm not gonna cry!

I will start crying.

And since my husband died there wasn't a lot

for me to look forward to so it was kinda nice to have that.

Mom, your husband died?

(laughing) Daddy. Where's Daddy?

Where's Daddy?

Up in the clouds.

There comes a point in our life when family becomes first,

the first thing and the question, the answer

to the question, it just doesn't even take a beat.

Sometimes... (unintelligible)

And we have the opportunity to see our friends and family.

I think Chuck would really appreciate,

that we're here today.

There was something uniquely vital about Buck Adams that

could brighten up the darkest moment,

and put a grin on the face of the bleakest situation.

With a body that appeared to be hewn from a granite block

of cement, and an intensity that provided his fans

with a vicarious sustenance, Buck Adams will always be

remembered as the guy who got it up when it counted.

You know like I said, if you knew it was gonna happen...

what would you have said?

And you don't always get that chance.

Um, but right now, in my life,

I, regret doing porn.

I regret doing porn and I never thought, ever,

that I would be, who I became.

Houston.

I never thought I would be so big and so recognizable

and just, I just never thought that

it would turn into what it did, for me.

And God just says, Shelley,

I'm telling you, you need to--

you need to trust me,

I've got something better for you. I love you.

I didn't save your ass all these years

not to give you something better.

Well, like, looking back, I didn't,

honestly I can't really like go, on my computer and,

and look at stuff that I used to do anymore

it just makes me, I just, I'm so different.

I feel so different now like, where I am in life.

It's really hard for me to believe that I was that girl.

So yes, it has changed me. For the better I believe.

The porn business has afforded me

a very comfortable life it has allowed me

to educate myself in ways that I probably wouldn't

have been able to do before.

It's enabled me to travel all over the world and,

meet new and interesting people.

And it's allowed me to, have the,

have the cajones, if you will,

to try new and exciting things that

I probably wouldn't have done before.

I would have been afraid to do.

I have no fear, to do anything.

You know because as people we have to fully

and freely accept ourself for everything we are

and everything we're not cause if we have compar--

If we compartmentalize, we're never a whole self.

You know. Especially in like relationships,

we don't get to bring our whole self.

What I am afraid of the most is because I've lasted

so long and this industry is now heading towards

its fourth decade of presence on this earth,

that the people who created this business,

the Eric Edwardses, the Jamie Guillesses,

the John Lesleys, the great pioneers of this business,

are not gonna be with us, forever, and,

I'd hoped to be around long enough to honor them

but I don't wanna do it fast and furiously

because when they start to fall by the wayside

somebody's gonna have to remember them.

It's based on a line that, "there is no future

if in the present we fail to pay homage to the past."

But a lot of them are now in their fifties and sixties,

some of them in their seventies, and somebody is

going to have to be there to tell their stories.

Eventually this woman is gonna like say,

wwheeeeuuuheehehehuh.

And then when you're eighty-five and you can't

walk no more and you're in a wheelchair she's gonna say

"You remember when you wanted to have sex all day?

Yeah, what do you mean, you want what?

Bap!

What do you want? Bap!

No no no, now I'm getting back at you."

(chuckling)

I miss many things about the business.

But, I guess the clearest way to say it concisely would be,

the biblical phrase occurs to me,

"when I was a child I spake as a child,

and when I was a man, I put away childish things."

I'm trying to think of like Joe Nameth.

Joe, do you miss football?

Sure he does.

But he can't play like he used to play.

He's, sixty-five years old now.

I'm in the same place.

Am I happy I did porn? Uh, yeah,

I really don't have too many regrets cause I,

it's so much stuff came out of it that was positive.

I got to travel around the world, uh,

I met a lot of interesting people,

I'm way over my quota sexually,

uh, I think uh, people ask me and I,

I guess the estimate's, I've been with like,

three-thousand women or something like that,

most of them were awesome to work with,

um, still friends with a lot of 'em, so uh,

yeah, overall it was a hell of an experience.

Essentially I am living my life right now

the way I wanna live it for the rest of my life

and I wanna, I wanna die doing what I'm doing right now.

How many people can say that?

Well I am, that I live here and I have a place

that I love this much I think I'm as lucky

as anybody could be on earth.

Far as, I mean, I dunno what the hell t'ask for.

I'm happy.

I'm not in a dark place,

I'm not suicidal, I'm not doing drugs.

You know I'm not self-destructive.

Um, but the last two years has been a journey,

cause I was very self-destructive before and,

I'm not saying it changed overnight,

I still have self-destructive thoughts,

but, um, I'm just in an, healthier place all around.

You hear some people we talk to who are leading

normal lives, and are doing pretty good,

like how the hell would you really know,

like, how would you know what really goes on

in their life at two a.m.?

The torment, the, you know, how would you know that

they're gonna tell you about all the times

they've been rejected and isolated and,

and the horror and the shame that,

that their children confront and that,

their spouses confront, and the shame that

they've put their families through and,

and the relationships that have been permanently broken.

I mean all the, all the burned bridges behind them

because they've done sex work.

You know most families aren't proud

when their daughters become hookers.

I think the difference between me and the other girls

in the industry was that I've really,

enjoyed being there and um, not just the sex

I mean I, used it to better myself as a person.

I never let the industry take advantage of me in any way.

I always took advantage of the industry.

I made phenomenal amounts of money I've produced movies,

I wrote movies, I starred in them,

hell people were paying me hundreds

of dollars an hour to sign autographs?

Woo hoo! I'm up, I'm with this!

Um, I just, I- I ...

The other girls leave with a bad taste in their mouth

and they- and I just, I have nothing

but good memories when I look back.

And right now if I wanted to go back into porn

I could probably go get a contract almost at any company

and still just do straight boy-girl scenes.

And if I really wanted to when I'm thirty-two

if I wanna go back to porn and because I'm really broke

maybe let's say, hopefully it won't happen,

I would tell a porn company guess what,

I'm gonna come back and do two guys and do anal.

If I'm thirty-five and really poor I need to do porn,

I'll tell 'em I'll do, you know, a black guy. Heh!

There isn't that much of a future

after the x-rated industry because somehow,

somewhere, somebody will find you.

The famous line I used to say to anybody

walking into my office when I ran the biggest agency,

what are you gonna do ten years from now

when your kid brings home a magazine

with you laying in the middle of it

with a candle shoved up your ass?

You gonna tell'em you were playing

the part of a birthday cake?

It doesn't go away.

My husband and my son changed my life.

And my son saved my life.

(sigh) And looking at him every day,

reminds me how precious life is.

And how throwing it away on drug and alcohol,

just this stupid crap that's out there,

god, it's just so not worth it. You know?

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