Original subtitles

(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

D'oh !

(SCREAMlNG) (TlRES SCREECHlNG)

ANNOUNCER: WeIcome back to Promiscuous ldiots lsland

on Fox, the home of Promiscuous ldiots.

Last week on Pll, our billionaire bachelor

gave five IoveIy Iadies a rose of continuation.

And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone

dispIaying inteIIigence, character, or ethnicity.

(GRUNTS)

Tonight, we reveaI a shocking secret.

Ladies, when you were selected,

you were told that you'd be dating

a billionaire on his private island.

Well, l'm afraid we misled you.

(GASPlNG)

Get ready, skanks. Here comes the truth train !

This isn't an island. lt's a peninsula.

(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(GASPlNG) This was supposed to be about trust!

(SOBBlNG)

l just want to get on that boat and go home!

Well, you don't need a boat because you can walk.

(WAlLlNG)

Yeah.

What do those women expect?

When you sign a contract with Fox,

you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.

Quiet! The commercial's on !

lf we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV.

Do you Iove that sweet smeII of Farmer BiIIy's bacon?

Do l ever?

WouId you Iike to see how a pig goes

from Ioving Iife to your fork and knife?

Would l?

WeII, if you open up one of these here packages

and find a goIden ticket, you get a tour

of Farmer BiIIy's bacon factory.

(COMMERClAL ANNOUNCER READlNG)

FARMER BlLLY: You'II see the hoof grinder, the marrow sluice,

and of course, the five-story pig shredder bIessed by three popes.

If you Iike bacon, you're gonna Iove it.

And if you don't Iike bacon, weII, then the heII with ya!

l'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour!

The only thing that can make bacon more delicious

is seeing how it's made!

Okay. Farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon.

Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon,

Farmer Billy's travel bacon. . .

Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself,

l also sell handguns.

Nope. Just looking for that golden ticket.

Nope. Nothing. Nope. Nada.

(GASPS) The golden ticket! At long last!

(KlSSlNG)

Mr. Simpson, please! l fear your smooches are premature.

This, in fact, is a silver ticket. Huh?

"This silver ticket entitles you

"to judge the pig competition at the Springfield County Fair."

Hmm. Judge a pig competition? But l'm no super genius.

Or are l?

(CHUCKLlNG)

(BLUEGRASS MUSlC PLAYlNG)

These giant vegetables are amazing.

Hmm. . .

How about a bite of the world's biggest Brussels sprout?

Ew.

(WHlSTLlNG NONCHALANTLY)

This song is about a country I Iove.

You may have heard of it. lt's called America.

Hey, l know that country!

(SlNGlNG) I couId pIease Miss Barbra Streisand

By spitting on the fIag Or strangling a bald eagle

On the cover of some mag

But I Iove this country

To me, she has no sins

If you don't buy my record

Then al-Qaeda wins

USA! USA!

Of all the days for you to get a zit.

Comely. Succulent.

(SCOFFS) Clearly had a snout job.

Ugh ! Too '80s.

Let's see how your sister's doing

in the place-setting competition.

Place-setting?

How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me?

JUDGE: Hmm.

Check it out! Dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad !

(FARTlNG)

(CHUCKLES)

And finally the breakaway wine bottle. . .

Did not arrive. (MOANlNG)

My theme is "lf Music be the Food of Love."

The setting features tuning forks,

champagne flutes, and of course, chopsticks.

And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O.

Lordy, girl. Your entry stinks like

the south end of a northbound mule.

What's wrong with it?

Well, your place-setting thinks it's better than it is.

Like a yard dog that sneaks into the house.

Zing !

Did l do anything right?

Well, you did put it on a table.

(CHORTLlNG)

Lookee here, it wobbles.

Wobble, wobble, wobble. . . Wobble, wobble, wobble. . .

Wobble, wobble, wobble. . .

This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.

(LAUGHlNG)

(SOBBlNG)

No one does that to my daughter!

One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're going down.

l didn't know l could fit in a bubble. l must be losing weight.

Oh. . . But l gotta do something ! l'll need a disguise.

(SOBBlNG)

Aw, there, there, little darlin'.

Dry those tears with this!

(LAUGHlNG)

HOMER: Hold it right there!

(ALL GASP)

You've hurt your last feeling !

(LAUGHS)

(ALL JEERlNG)

We all know pi-R-squared.

But today, pie-are-justice. l welcome it.

Thank you, mysterious stranger. Where did he go?

Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement.

Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again?

Oh, l have a funny feeling we will.

Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike!

(CHUCKLES)

What you doing, sweetie?

l'm drawing a picture of my newest hero. Pie Man !

Gee, l thought l had a bigger package than that.

That's really sweet, honey.

(BART GROANS)

Aw. Hey, let's turn that frown upside down.

Oh, Dad ! l feel like l'm gonna throw up!

All right. What's wrong, Son?

Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said l smudged.

But l didn't even touch 'em !

LISA: Richie Rich Incorporates in DeIaware.

Easy to BeIieve TaIes.

Supergirl vs. The Glass Ceiling.

The Green Listener.

He was just trying to unload these

crappy comics on a helpless kid.

Somebody oughta take him down a peg, or should l say "down a pie"?

No, l think the expression is "peg."

Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be you're pie.

This magazine you sold me isn't

Fantastic Four, it's Fantastic FIoor.

My family can't put in floors. We rent.

Sorry. No refunds.

(DOOR CHlME RlNGS)

Oh, brother. Why do we get all the weirdoes here

at the comic book store?

Comic Book Guy, don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

How could this be any more humiliating?

Hello. l'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.

Oh ! You finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit chat.

Ew. Listen, l said it to Shatner and l'm saying it to you.

There is no way l'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.

(SOBBlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

There's a note!

(READlNG)

Finally, a superhero that kids can love.

What about Fist Face?

Fist Face? Who's Fist Face?

Why won't you tell me who Fist Face is?

l demand you reveal the identity of Fist Face!

lt's you ! (GRUNTS)

You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face

that he's very good-looking.

Oh, l think you'd find his filling extremely hot.

Ooh ! l bet he's Ned Flanders.

Flanders?

He's not man enough to trim my crust!

l mean Pie Man's crust! l'm not Pie Man.

Pie. PopuIar pastry, tricky math thing

and now sword of righteousness.

A masked avenger has been giving

Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts!

This is for your show's sIight decIine in quaIity over the years!

KENT: In an attempt to curb copycat pie-ings,

the poIice have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.

The pies were immediateIy detonated by the bomb squad.

(EXPLODlNG)

Aw! Those poor innocent pies.

Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know?

I'm gonna go turn the siren on. That aIways cheers me up.

(SlREN WAlLlNG) (LAUGHlNG)

That's good footage. Where will the Pie Man strike next?

Perhaps at the Springfield Children's Hospital,

which is tossing out aII its sick youngsters

to make way for a new cosmetic surgery cIinic.

Who will treat my whooping cough?

(HACKlNG)

Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack.

(CROWD CLAPPlNG)

(HACKlNG)

Okay, Lou. The minute Pie Man shows up, we spring our trap.

Hey, what do you got against this pie guy anyway?

He's giving jerks their comeuppance.

Yeah, but he's skipping the hardest part of being a cop.

Bike safety lectures.

Oh, come on, Chief.

No, no one ever wants to hear about

the importance of pants clips, do they?

Well yeah, but. . . (lNTERRUPTlNG)

That's why Pie Man is going down.

Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer

be terrorized by the spectacle

of women aging naturally.

(CACKLlNG)

Not so fast, old-time liberal.

Get him !

(CROWD MUTTERlNG)

Pie Man, no! lt's a trap!

No trap can hold Homer Simpson. . .

But l'm not Homer Simpson ! l'm the Pie Man !

Homer Simpson away! l mean, the Pie Man !

Shoot to kill !

(GUNS FlRlNG)

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

(GRUNTS) Oh ! Damn it!

Oh, way to go, Lou. You hit him !

What? You sound like you're surprised.

l'm trying to give you positive reinforcement, jerk.

What, and that's positive, calling me a jerk?

Well, you are a jerk.

(PEOPLE SCREAMlNG) (GRUNTS)

l'm not being trampled. What gives?

Uh, listen. l'm married.

(SlGHS)

l'm looking up your nose, but l feel like l'm staring into your soul.

(THUNDER CRASHlNG)

(STRAlNlNG)

That was so exciting yet familiar, like Coke with lemon.

(MUTTERlNG HAPPlLY)

(MOANlNG)

(GRUNTlNG)

Let's see. Cartilage. Cartilage. Muscle. Nerve.

Artery. Bullet!

(SlGHS lN RELlEF)

Dad?

Pie Man is not your father, little girl.

l murdered your father.

Dad, please. lt's obvious you're Pie Man.

We've been getting his mail for weeks.

We shall continue this conversation in the Pie Cave.

Watch it. One more step. Welcome to my secret lair.

Dad, this is the basement.

Here's the iced tea l left down here this afternoon.

So it would seem. Anyhoo, l bet this

is all a pretty big surprise, huh?

Mild-mannered Homer Simpson. . .

You're not mild-mannered.

You're often liquored up and rude.

Honorable men can differ.

Now what brings you down here?

l want you to stop this, Dad, before you get killed.

All right, l'll stop.

What'll l do with these pies?

Well, l know one thing you could do.

(CHUCKLES) l was in so deep l forgot pies were food.

(WHlSTLlNG)

Simpson, you're late, bald, and stupid. l'm docking you a day's pay.

What?

l'll show him.

No, l shouldn't. Or should l?

l'll keep my promise, honey.

No Iooking at pictures of Ioved ones!

Mr. Burns. . . Bald-headed little. . . Kill you, you. . .

No angry grumbIing under your breath!

(WHlP CRACKlNG)

Eat faster! Faster! Swallow on your own time!

(EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN)

Won't someone help us?

Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny?

Hey, Homer, throw me at Mr. Burns.

No, throw me! l'm old and stale! l might just kill him !

(CACKLlNG)

Don't do it, Homer. You made a promise to Lisa.

Since when do l listen to cakes?

Tell you what, Homer.

You make one last hit and then you're out of the business forever.

Lisa would understand.

You're all so wise. l wish l could eat each and every one of you.

Aw, we wish you could eat us, too.

Hey! Attention.

While you've been showering here, l sold all your clothes.

(ALL GROAN)

Again?

l've run out of pie-related puns!

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

He won't escape, sir.

(SNORlNG)

Behold, Smithers, your so-called Messiah.

Sir, l never. . .

l am the Pie Man. . .

l am Pie Man.

To the employee prison !

(EXCLAlMS)

Now let's see what we have here.

(GASPS) Simpson ! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin,

poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back!

lt's not a rubber band, it's a scrunchie.

Silence!

Or l'll chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters!

(GROWLlNG)

Wait! l have a better idea.

You'll work for me now.

l already work for you.

ln addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant,

you will also serve as my personal hit man.

Do l get two paychecks? No.

(SHRlEKS)

Here's your first assignment to prove your loyalty.

But l promised my daughter. . .

Do as l say! Or l'll tell the police.

You'll do so much community service.

No! Not community service!

l can't stand helping others! l just can't!

Now open the folder. lt contains your next victim.

(GASPS) No, not him ! Anyone but him !

l've had my problems with him. Everyone has.

But like every monster, he just wants to be loved.

Oh. . .

Come on. lt's cobblering time.

(GROANlNG)

l can't sleep. l keep thinking about the Pie Man.

Oh, me, too.

What if he started pie-ing good people?

Not because he wanted to,

but because he was being blackmailed by his boss?

Homie, are you the Pie Man?

No, l'm not. And here's a picture that proves it.

See?

Well, whoever he is, the Pie Man

would never cave in to blackmail.

(GROANS SADLY)

Now on a different subject, kiss me hard !

You know, l'm not Pie Man.

l don't care.

(DOORBELL CHlMlNG)

Girl Scout cookies!

HOMER: Oh, come on. She's a little girl !

MR. BURNS: Grow a spine on your own time, blimpo!

Just one second, sweetheart.

Now pie that Brownie, fruitcake!

Sorry.

Sir, my baby wants to play Patty Cake, now!

(lMlTATES BABY COOlNG)

Your assignment.

HOMER: (GASPS) The Dalai Lama?

That's right.

All his talk of peace and love is really

honking off my red Chinese masters.

Now, Smithers, walk me around the park

until l fall asleep. l'm feeling fussy.

As Springfield's youngest Buddhist,

l am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama.

Oh, l can't do this in front of Lisa.

Why does she have to believe in things?

You have no choice.

Pie him or l'll reveal your secret to the world.

And now, please welcome the Elvis of Enlightenment,

the lean, serene chanting machine: the Dalai Lama!

(HORNS PLAYlNG)

Greetings, fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment.

(ALL GASPlNG)

Please forgive me, talking llama.

No, Pie Man ! Don't do it!

Come on, Pie Man, hit him !

That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing !

Oh ! No, l won't!

There's only one way l can escape from this nightmare!

(ALL GASP)

Homer Simpson? lt was him all along?

Homer Simpson is the Pie Man? lmpossible.

He's never thrown away a pastry in his life!

His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae!

Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass. No offense, Homer.

You dumbass.

l'm telling you l'm the Pie Man.

No, you're not. The Pie Man could fly.

And spit acid.

And animals did his bidding.

(MUTTERlNG lN AGREEMENT)

Well, that closes the book on Pie Man.

Wait a minute. What?

lf it wasn't Simpson, who was it?

lt's gonna be you if you don't shut up.

Dad, l think you created a hero

that even you couldn't live up to.

(CHUCKLlNG) Yeah. Let's go home, honey.

On to my next engagement, Buffalo, New York.

l know one person who believes you're the Pie Man, Homie.

Me. l've known it all along.

Was it the kiss?

No. lt was clearly you in that suit.

You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.

So, Pie Man, why don't you show me your super powers?

Pie Man?

Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, l will be there!

For l am the Pie Man !

And wherever Pie Man is, the Cupcake Kid will not be far behind.

MARGE: While you two are up on the roof,

why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter!

(BOTH GROANlNG)

English - US - PSDH