Original subtitles

(SlNGlNG) The Simpsons

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

D'oh !

(SCREAMlNG) (BRAKES SCREECHlNG)

Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon.

Yesterday l asked everyone

to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with.

Water? (GROANS)

Thank you, Nelson. Anyone else?

Hot sauce.

Kearney, that could blind someone.

You get an A. Mmm.

Now for a practical demonstration.

First, we load the ordnance.

Then select the target.

Hmm, not Otto. He'd drive us off a cliff.

Off a cliff? That would solve everything.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Bingo.

Bart!

(LAUGHlNG)

(CHOKlNG)

Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Finger?

You've betrayed me for the last time.

Horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad?

(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)

Your stop!

Ahhh !

(SNOWBALL ll MEOWlNG)

Shame on you two creeps!

lt's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy!

At least l was planned !

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

Stop it! No one was planned !

Now we have to pack

for Great Uncle Tyrone's birthday tomorrow in Dayton.

Dayton, Ohio!

(BOTH GROANlNG)

lt's got Wright-Patterson Air Force Base and a zipper museum !

They have a zipper from every James Bond !

Why are we even going?

Last year, Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed.

(SlNGlNG) Happy birthday to you

Why won't l die?

We're staying at the Dayton Arms Hotel.

lt got three diamonds from Five Diamond magazine!

Please don't make us go!

lf you make me get on that plane, l'll give myself diarrhea.

l know how! Okay, don't go!

Just stay here and rot with Grampa!

l'm only rotting on the right side!

l'll right side you !

All right, kids. You don't have to go.

But l insist we do something tonight as a family.

We'll play board games, put photos in an album,

measure how much you've grown, and. . .

What is your deal, anyway?

Well, l. . . l. . .

Let's just rent a movie.

Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

MOE: Oh, yeah ! That's the stuff!

(EXClTED GASP)

(GROANS lN DlSAPPOlNTMENT)

(MOE CHUCKLlNG)

(GRUNTS)

Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby.

(MOANlNG)

l'm sorry, sir.

The computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.

l say you don't exist!

No, l'm right here, under "Staff."

What l want is a really good weeper.

What about Love Story?

lt's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks.

And it saved Paramount Studios for Charlie Bluhdorn.

Ooh !

A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho!

Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.

Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?

Exactly.

(SlNGlNG) Where do I begin

To teII the story of how great a Iove can be?

The sweet Iove story that is older than the sea

The simpIe something that dum-deedle-dum-dee-dee

Now Iet's push pIay

RYAN O'NEAL: What can you say about a 25-year-oId girI who died?

BART: l say bury her before she starts to smell !

(LAUGHlNG) Bart!

The man asked a question.

(GRUNTS)

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

No, it doesn't. This movie is drivel.

She's wooden and unpleasant.

And no matter what he does, he's still Ryan O'Neal.

Opinion noted. Now if you don't mind,

your father and l are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy.

Yeah. We're trying to create a mood here, so shut the hell up!

(GROWLlNG)

Homie, if l died, would you be sad?

Well, l wouldn't be happy.

Oh, Homie.

Love means never having to say...

A whole canoe made of baIoney?

(LAUGHlNG)

Bart, stop fooling with the remote!

Lisa made me with a witch's spell !

lt's called Wicca, and it's empowering !

Wicca's a Hollywood fad !

That's Kabbalah, jerk!

(GRUNTlNG)

Stupid kids ruin everything !

So you're not in the mood anymore, are you?

Homie, you know l'm usually good for a triple-X throw-down.

But between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's,

we can't be alone.

We're alone now.

BART: You're never alone in this crap shack!

Why, you little. . .

(BART CHOKlNG)

(MAN COUGHlNG)

What kind of an airline routes all their flights through Nome, Alaska?

lt's their hub.

Homie, look at them.

(FESTlVE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Honeymooners. No kids, no worries.

Here's your future!

(LAUGHlNG)

Not me. l do crunches.

Remember our honeymoon?

(DOG HOWLlNG)

Well, l gotta get back to work.

Hold that thought.

(RETCHlNG)

GATE ANNOUNCER: Attention Miami passengers,

Suntan Airlines is now boarding

rows pina coIada through daiquiri.

(CHEERlNG)

You know, if we were younger and crazier,

we'd trade in these tickets and run off to Miami.

Marge, let's do it!

What about Uncle Tyrone?

We got one weekend to ourselves

and we gotta spend it watching some old geezer's odometer turn over?

As the Bible says, "Screw that!"

We don't have boarding passes,

but we need to get on that plane

for reasons that are utterly insane!

Go ahead. What do l care? l'm getting laid off tomorrow.

(BOTH GlGGLlNG)

We're ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon !

(CHEERlNG)

And we're blowing off Uncle Tyrone's birthday!

(CHEERlNG LOUDER)

You guys are such party animals,

we're gonna skip the safety check and just take off!

(CHEERlNG LOUDLY)

l'm afraid we've overbooked this flight.

(SlGHS) So much for getting my groove back.

So we're upgrading you to first class.

There's a first class?

Sir, what would you like for dinner? A steak or two steaks?

Can l have both?

Of course.

This is so luxurious.

l feel like l'm Princess Grace and Princess Di smashed together.

And look at me. l'm reading The Economist.

Did you know lndonesia is at a crossroads?

No.

lt is.

KENT: I guess you couId caII him

the little tortoise that couldn't.

See our website for the recipe.

This just in, a monster tornado

is tearing through Dayton, Ohio!

(GASPlNG) That's where Mom and Dad are!

KENT: Looks Iike the twister is headed

right for the Dayton Arms HoteI!

ALL: Ahhh !

They might not be dead. They could be in the basement.

l'm an orphan.

l'm a legal guardian. (PHONE RlNGlNG)

How can l be a parent? l break my teeth on ribbon candy.

(ABE MOANlNG)

Quiet, Grampa. Hello? Mom?

Hi, sweetie. We're just calling to check in.

Where are you? Are you okay?

Right here in Dayton.

(GlGGLlNG)

At the Dayton Arms Hotel?

Yup. lt's really boring.

You kids would've hated it.

(GlGGLlNG)

So how's the weather in Dayton?

Oh, you know, typical boring Dayton weather.

(MOANlNG)

Hey, do l hear a backrub?

No. No, that's the noise the phone makes when you've been on too long.

Bye now. Love you.

Something's fishy. They're not in Dayton.

They're somewhere fun.

We're not enough fun for them?

Well, l know how to find out where they are.

HOTEL OPERATOR: Swelldorado Hotel Miami Beach,

sun and water without your son and daughter.

How may I direct your caII? (SLAMS RECElVER DOWN)

l can't go to Miami ! l'm expecting calls from telemarketers!

You'll love it. lt's full of sexy old widows who don't want to die alone.

(EXCLAlMS EXClTEDLY) All right, ladies, get ready to settle!

Boy, it's great being here without those children of yours.

Yeah. l've never sat by a pool this long

without having to apologize to someone.

And tonight, we'll finally and romantically hump.

Here's to life without children.

Well, we can't wait to have kids.

(LAUGHlNG HEARTlLY)

"Can't wait."

Seriously. With the new breast pumps and Diaper Genies,

and corporate flex-time, child-rearing ought to be a snap.

(LAUGHlNG HYSTERlCALLY)

You keep thinking that.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

We're here! And it's a good thing, too.

The car's been driving funny since Orlando.

(GRUNTlNG)

Everything happens to E-more.

Let's go find Mom and Dad.

First, let's slap on some Band-Aids

so they feel really bad for ditching us.

Time to find a woman who needs some TLC.

A Tired Liver-spotted Coot.

(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(HONKlNG)

(RAP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

A-blowin' reveille

He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

Check out the well-aged beef.

No scar. He must be on his first heart!

l wouldn't kick him out of bed for dying.

(PURRS)

Hey, handsome, pull up a donut and sit down.

Hey, ladies. l used to be in movies.

(ALL REACTlNG lN AWE)

You know those feet sticking out

from under the house in The Wizard of Oz?

You're looking at 'em.

ALL: Ew!

(SlNGlNG) Come on, everybody have some sexuaI congress

Not the kind of Congress that contained PauI Tsongas

(GASPlNG)

The kids tracked us down !

Oh !

Our romantic holiday just became a stinking family vacation.

Marge, l won't let that happen.

We have to grab this chance for romance now or we'll never be alone!

Not till Lisa's in college and we've lost contact with Bart!

You're right. But where do we go?

l've got a card that can take us anywhere in the world.

MARGE: Step on it!

Those horn dogs! They ditched us again !

You know what this means?

We have a free hotel room in Miami for two days?

No. We're gonna follow them across this great land

making sure they don't have one moment of fun.

And l have a card that can take us anywhere they go.

l'm sorry. We're not supposed to give out passengers' itineraries.

l understand. Hey, what's that crazy girl doing?

l'm going into the Gold Medallion Club with Silver Level Membership!

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

The hell you are!

(COCKS GUN)

So Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City. But their luggage isn't.

(CHUCKLlNG)

And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.

HOMER: No!

You're more boring than my husband. And he's dead.

Well, l bet l smell better.

At the moment, it's about even.

l can't wait till we bury the last of you Hepburn types.

Really! (MOANlNG)

Perhaps l can help.

l have a penthouse from which you can see all the way to Epcot.

lf you take a woman there, she will be yours.

Hot-diggity!

lndeed. l am Raoul.

While we walk, may l place my hand

on your shoulder as a sign of friendship?

Why not?

Homie, people in the other elevators can see us.

Oh, yeah. Like people in New Jersey

have never seen a fat man making out.

lt's on the freakin' state flag.

Oh, my God. Homie, look!

That boy failed show-and-tell, but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.

Hey, how you doing?

l'm fighting a white rhino today at the Tropicana.

Shows at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 1 0:00, and midnight.

Check it out. Come on.

Hey, kids, l'm tying balloons on the boardwalk

at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00, and 1 1 :00.

Check it out. Come on, don't be ridiculous.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(SNORlNG)

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Occupied !

(RESUMES SNORlNG)

Okay, Raoul, let's go meet some senoritas.

Grampa, l must confess,

l am not as interested in women

as my open shirt might suggest.

To be frank, they disgust me.

Uh-oh !

Yes. Now let us enjoy one of your rambling,

disjointed, yet somehow erotic tales.

Are you gonna go lavender on me?

We shall see, uh?

But l promise you l will treasure every word

that drops from your beautiful lips.

Really? You're sweet.

Proceed.

For many years, l was a tater farmer.

But the shameful truth is the taters farmed me.

Your neck skin dances when you speak.

At last we're alone.

(SCATTlNG)

Homie, the waiter's still here.

Oh. Right.

Thank you, sir.

(CHUCKLlNG)

And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance.

But before the intercourse, the dinner course!

Busted !

You guys lied to us!

You probably do this all the time.

This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance.

Yeah, it's a tissue covered in blood and boogers!

Would you two just shut up!

Sure, we lied.

We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple

without worrying about you kids.

Those days are over. Give it up.

(SlGHlNG)

You win, kids.

Just sleep here tonight

and we'll all go back to Springfield tomorrow.

Great! What do you want to play?

How about the floor is made of lava?

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

All l wanted was a second honeymoon

and now the floor is made of lava.

Lise, you awake?

Yeah, l can't sleep.

Maybe we should give Mom and Dad a break, you know?

Go spend the day at an amusement park so we're out of their hair.

Yeah, l agree. l mean, you are pretty annoying.

l guess the hunt was more fun than the catch.

Hey, l just zinged you !

l know. My new thing is to ignore you.

When you grow up, l'll be outside.

l'm grown up! l'm grown up!

(RATTLlNG)

l knew if we got up early enough,

we could sneak away from Bart and Lisa.

Kids don't beat me. l beat kids.

And nobody does it better.

(ALL YELLlNG)

You monsters! You followed us!

No. You don't understand. We came here to give you some privacy. . .

We understand perfectly well.

Let me finish my sentence! Never!

This way!

Quick! We can hide in here!

l don't know.

Homie, why don't we just go home,

wait till the kids fall asleep, and have sex in the car?

Because l was saving that for my birthday!

Now come on.

(GlGGLlNG)

This must be what it's like to be in space.

You've been to space.

And yet l've never been to me.

(GlGGLlNG CONTlNUES)

HOMER: That sliding should stop soon.

This rolling is just temporary.

Ah !

That's better.

So why do they call this place Niagara Falls, anyway?

BOTH: Ahhh !

(SlRENS WAlLlNG)

Back off, Canadians! We got 'em.

You back off, hosers. They're in Canadian waters, eh?

Beat it, you puck-sIapping mapIe-suckers!

Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!

SKlPPERS: How about that?

Oh ! Marge, l guess we'll just have to make love in Heaven.

l bet it always works up there.

Shut up and kiss me, you doomed hunk!

Ahoy, moon bounce!

Is anyone aIive?

More alive than any of you squares!

(GlGGLlNG DAZEDLY)

(GlGGLlNG)

HOMER: You're on my hair!

Oh, that's better.

Well, it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody.

Credit card bill seems a little chunky this month.

Let's see what's going on vis-a-vis the Viza.

This. . . Ahhh !

Ahhh !

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