All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e22.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

Moe Baby Blues

D'oh! Ah!

HOMER:
Mm.

[LAUGHS]

Does anyone else wanna know
why that sign is so funny?

ALL:
No.

Come on. We're gonna be late to the
blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower.

How come Lisa always gets
to pick the family activities?

Because I know every time you say
pick a number from one to 10...

...it's always seven.

That's because
there were seven apostles.

No, there were 12.

Boy, that's a big staff.
And still he wasn't that funny.

[BUZZING]

"The Venus flytrap
is a carnivorous plant...

...which uses bait to lure unsuspecting
prey into its digestive tract."

[CHUCKLES]

Stupid prey.

They never suspect anything...

Ooh, a hotdog.

[HOMER GRUNTING]

Flower power my ass.

[MOE SIGHS]

That's odd. It's 11:15 in the morning
and the bar is empty.

I'm live at the Springfield
Botanical Gardens.

We're minutes from the blossoming
of the Sumatran Century Flower...

...which occurs every 100 years.

MOE: Hey, those are my
customers-slash-only friends.

Where are they getting their beer?

CARL: Yeah.
- A cooler?

I've been replaced by a cooler?

And who can blame them? Ugh.

Ah, no point in moping around.

I might as well join them
and have a jolly old time. Ha.

Oh, better set the alarm.

[COCKS]

[MOE PANTING]

[MOE SIGHS]

Here I am, one of the crowd.

I'm comfortable, I'm calm.

Anybody looks at me,
I got a hypodermic full of bleach.

Uh, people, we are officially
over capacity.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

We gotta kick one person out.

Someone who's alone, already bitter...

...someone who's been
trampled on so many times...

...one more won't make any...
Oh, Moe.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, that's me, all right.

Sorry, Moe.

Either walk out with dignity
or I push you down this muddy hill.

I'd prefer that you push me...

...seeing how I'm desperate
for any human contact.

- All right.
- Thanks a lot.

[MOE GRUNTING]

Ah! The flower's starting to open.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Everyone, flare your nostrils
in olfactory anticipation.

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, man. The plant cut one.

Bart, plants don't...

Whew!

Ay-ay-ay!

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Unh! That smells worse
than James Coco's ski boots.

Oh, yeah. That's mildly better.

[BUZZING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Listen to those lucky people
enjoying that pretty flower.

I got nothing. Just this can.

Ha. At least there's someone
worse off than me.

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

So long, suckers.

D'oh!

[HORNS HONKING]

Well, at least we're outside
instead of sitting at home watching TV.

I hear that.
Hey, that car has a TV in it.

MAN [ON TV]: We now return to
The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under.

Hey, Granny. I'm gonna be
a professional didgeridoo player.

- Well, now it's a didgeri-don't.
- Oh, Granny.

- Can you put on the baseball game?
- My kids are watching a movie.

Oh, come on. Help a brother out.

Oh, why don't you call my secretary
and make an appointment, brother?

A dream deferred is a dream denied.

[SNORING]

- Dad, the traffic's moving.
- Huh?

Whoo-hoo! Pedal to the metal.

[SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL GASP]

- My baby!
- Your baby!

[GRUNTING]

No!

Well, this is it. The last call for Moe.

[SOBBING]

Ah, God.

Wha...?

Moe, thank God you saved my baby.

That hideous man is a hero.

[ALL CHEER]

Ha. Life don't seem so hard no more.

Maggie's in the paper with Moe.

How cute.

Ah! Look at those pants.

They're standing up with no one in them.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

Hey, I was in the neighborhood...

...and, uh, thought I'd, you know,
check in on Maggie.

Moe, I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to thank you so much
for saving my baby.

So I knitted you a nice warm sweater.

Oh, look at that.

That's so soft and thoughtful and...
What's the gag? Is it full of chiggers?

No, no. All that's in there
is love and gratitude.

Aw, jeez, there's something in my eye.

Oh, it's just some glass.

So how's the little tyke doing?

[COOING]

[CHUCKLES]

Ain't she adorable?

[HORN HONKING]

Oh, my God, I'm late for work.

How you got in my carpool,
I'll never know.

The Swedish are coming!
The Swedish are coming!

Oh, Lord, why do they keep
changing his medication?

Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer.
Whoa!

Moe, I gotta handle this.
Can you keep an eye on Maggie?

Me? Uh, yeah. Sure. If you don't think
I'd spook her or nothing.

No, you'll be fine.

- I'll be right back.
GRAMPA: They got lingonberries.

So how's it going? Ha.

Hey, you wanna see me, uh,
dislocate my arm?

Here, take a look at this. Unh!

[GIGGLES]

It was years before I could do this
without fainting.

[CHUCKLES]

Still hurts.

Grampa, stop!

Sayonara, Tojo.

La, la, la, la, la.

Oh, Lord.

Hey, Mag. Raggedy Andy over there
has been giving you the button eye.

I'll get rid of him.
All right, come on. Out you go.

Huh. I finally caught up with Grampa.

I found him crying in the cemetery.

Thanks for taking care of Maggie.

Oh, no problem.

You know, it gave me
kind of a good, warm feeling...

...like when you get drunk
and fall asleep in snow.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, well, I better go.

There, there, Mags.
I'll be back sometime.

[CRIES]

Wow. She really likes you.

Maybe the next time I need a sitter
and you're not busy...

I'd love to. Uh, uh, let me
just check my schedule here.

I was gonna erase those apostrophes
and replace them with G's.

But that's about it.
So, you know, call anytime.

[CRYING]

Why's she crying?

Oh, that's right. I still got her nose.

Here you go, you little idiot.

[GIGGLES]

Ball pit. That's nice.

One, two, three colors.
You got them all.

Oh, what a face.
She looks just like you.

You calling her repellent?

Well, no, I was just...

You ain't Karen Allen yourself,
you know?

You idiot, I was trying to pick you up.

Oh, great.

Uh, well, why don't you play
with the baby while I go rent a room?

[GROANS]

Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter.
What a nut.

[QUEEN'S "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND"
PLAYING]

Ooo, you make me live

You're the best friend

[NELSON LAUGHS]

That I ever had

[MOE GRUNTING]

I've been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine

LISA & HOMER:
Ah.

Way to go, Mom.

Homemade dim sum
with eight kinds of dipping sauce.

This is the best Year of the Rat ever.

Well, I have so much free time
now that Moe's our babysitter.

Yeah, it's great that Maggie's
got a father figure in her life. She...

- Hey, wait. That's supposed to be me.
- You could be my father figure.

No way. I'm not getting my fingerprints
on that train wreck.

But if I lose Maggie, I'm 0 for 3.
I've gotta get her back.

- I can help you.
- I said pipe down, Amtrak.

Maggie, look what's in your ear.

A penny.

Okay, we won't tell no one
about that.

Now let's see.

What else can we do?
We can't tickle Elmo no more.

Coochie, coochie coo!

ELMO DOLL:
No means no for Elmo.

Ow!

And this Slinky, these things
are fun for about two seconds.

Yeah, that's it. Slink away.

Hmm.

"Alice in Wonderland," huh?

Ah, this must be a takeoff on that
Alice in Underpants movie I saw.

Ha. It's nice to be with someone...

...who can't understand
the horrible things I say.

White rabbit,
chicks popping mushrooms?

This is like the Playboy Mansion.

Uh, maybe I can think of a story, uh,
more suitable for a baby.

Oh, I got one.

It starts out with a beautiful wedding.

But the father of the bride
was nowhere to be seen.

He was granting favors
to all of his bestest buddies.

We could scare that movie producer...

...by putting a horse's blanket
in his bed.

Imagine waking up and seeing
you got the wrong blanket.

Uh, how about a horse's head?

Oh, you see here?
That's why you're the Godfather.

And the Godfather's playing
with his grandson, see?

So he sticks an orange in his mouth
like this.

[GROWLS]

[GIGGLES]

Okay, and now it's intermission.

[GROANS]

Give me a break, will you?
It's a frigging saga.

Don Barzini gets whacked.

Tessio.
Ho, ho, you won't see him no more.

Moe Greene, bam,
he gets it right in the eye.

And Michael
is now the new Godfather.

[SIGHS]

And he shuts the door on Annie Hall.

[CRYING]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, no. No, baby. No, no.
Uh, uh...

Okay, part two.

Little Anthony is having
his first communion at Lake Tahoe.

Meanwhile, Michael
can't get a gaming license.

But Senator Geary's got one weakness,
call girls.

[GIGGLES]

That's right.

This party's boring.
Everything here is for babies.

I'm helping Daddy.
Lisa, it says, "One year and up."

Oh, there she is, the birthday girl.

Oh, your mommy tied
a bow for you, huh?

Well, I'd better retie it,
the way you like it.

[MAGGIE COOS
AND MARGE GROANS]

I know it don't seem like it matters,
but she hates looking like crap.

Uh-huh.

Hey, hey, hey, OshKosh B'gosh,
she don't want what you're shoveling.

Mr. Moe, my son was only playing next
to this girl who is not your daughter.

Yeah, sure he was,
Nahasapasa-I'm-Raising-A-Pervert.

Back off, Moe.
Maggie wants to be with me.

[GRUNTING]

This is how we play.

[SINGING]
The squirmy wormy spider

Squirts out of Daddy's hands

Daddy feels rejected
He's gonna eat some cake

Oh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.

Yeah, great present, Selma.
Nice of you to break a five.

Ah, get a neck, Frankenstein.

Hey, open my present.
Open my present.

Ha, it's Uncle Moe's play tavern,
with classic drunk Barney.

Even the toilet is broken.

I don't know if toy drunkards
are an appropriate gift for a baby.

Sure, they are. They even talk. Look.

HOMER:
I peed my pants.

I recorded that for private use.

[MAGGIE CRYING OVER MONITOR]

- Your turn.
- No, it's your turn.

MOE:
I got it. It's okay.

Moe? What are you doing here?

Maggie was crying.
I heard her on my baby monitor.

You have your own baby monitor
in our child's room?

Yeah, I had to. It's so weird watching
the video and not getting any sound.

That's it, Moe. This is too weird.

You are not allowed
to see Maggie anymore.

Well, can I at least give her
this mobile?

[MOBILE PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE"]

- Huh? Huh?
- Get your own family, Moe.

Hey, you never cared about Maggie
till I started paying attention to her.

Last night at the bar,
you called her Raquel.

- Get out.
- Is that, uh, "get out" like "leave"?

Or "get out" as in, "Get out,
you banged Bridget Fonda?"

Get out.

Get out. That... Okay.

Unh. Maybe I can catch a late show
of Alice in Underpants...

...or maybe
Put 'Em On The Looking Glass.

Boy, I'm like a mess here.

I feel so lonely without that kid.

You still got us, Moe.

You guys mind if I, uh,
kiss your tummies?

BARNEY & LENNY: Oh.
CARL: Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Here comes the airplane.

[MOE MAKES WHIRRING SOUND]

All gone.

[SINGING] Toys and kicks
And pets and brotherhood

[SOBS]

It's our song.

Now there'll be no more trouble
from that meddlesome bartender.

Yeah. You know,
looking at this sweet, precious child...

...makes me wanna have
one of our own.

TONY: Tonight, I want you boys
to take out the Castellaneta family.

Uh, I don't know, boss.
My passion for whacking is waning.

Perhaps this will cheer you up.

[GROWLS]

[COOS]

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Oh, that's better.
I could whack my own mother now.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Kill my mother?
She makes such good pasta sauce.

- It comes from a can.
- She's a corpse.

[HUMMING]

MARGE:
Huh?

[SCREAMS]

What are you screaming about?
Did you discover my snake farm?

Because I can explain.

I'm going to farm and sell snakes.

Maggie's gone.

Ah! It must've been Moe.

He's got your kid. But don't worry.
Everything is gonna be okay.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Scum, freezebag.

[MOE GASPS
AND WIGGUM CHUCKLES]

I mean, freeze, scumbag.
You can't write stuff like that.

See, that's why sitcoms are dying.

[GRUNTING]

Chief, it's just a ham.

- Oh, thank goodness.
- Oh.

Well, boys. Looks like we solved
the case of the missing ham. Let's go.

No, we have to find my baby.

Oh, Maggie's missing?

You gotta let me help find her, please.
We have a special bond.

Greater than her bond
with the duck-shaped washcloth.

Okay, you can help us.

Well, I think we know
when we're not needed.

You guys are the world's worst cops.

No. Now that I'm off duty,
I'm the world's worst soccer coach. Ha.

[DOGS BARKING]

Wow, Maggie crawled
through these bushes...

...spit up over here
and crashed her tricycle into the wall.

Uh, no, that was me.

Here's a clue.
A discarded orange wedge.

Orange wedge?

[GROWLING]

Marge, do mobsters
ever congregate outside your house?

All the time.
Sometimes I bring them lemonade.

Listen. We might have
to make a trip to Little Italy.

I'll get our little passports.

So you see, you have no choice
but to sell out to me.

Oops. Clumsy me.

I will consider your proposal
in the restroom as I tidy up.

Boys?

[IN UNISON]
Oops. Clumsy us.

We must all go to the restroom too.

Those fellas should really consider
sippy cups.

Look, boss. It's a baby.

Oh, a bambino.
Or is it a bambina?

I no speak any language so good.

We have considered your proposal.

And our answer is no.

Boss, they hid guns
in the men's room.

Oh, clumsy me. I dropped my fork.

Boys, help me pick it up.

[GUNS COCK]

Now, hold on here.

I'm president of the Italian-American
Anti-Defamation League.

And this really burns my cannoli.

[GASPS]

Maggie's right in the middle of that
Italian-American-Mexican standoff.

- Oh, my God, I gotta save her.
- No. You got a family.

I'm the guy with nothing and no one.

No, no. Don't try to stop me.

We're not. Your sleeve got caught
on that tree. Here, let me unhook you.

- Off you go.
- Yeah, thanks.

[GUNS COCKING]

Gee, ha. This is the second most
guns ever pointed at me.

A couple of weeks ago,
I wouldn't have minded if you shot me.

But all that's changed
because of this little girl here.

Look at her. Ain't she a doll?

[ALL SOBBING]

I ain't cried like this
since I paid to see Godfather III.

Here's your baby back.

Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry
we thought you were a baby-napper.

Or worse. Am I right?

Uh, hey, hey, the important thing
is little Maggie is safe.

[SIGHS]

Well, uh, I gotta get home.

Uh, there might be a telemarketer
calling or something. Um...

I'll see you when you're old enough
to drink, okay, Magpie?

Oh, great. I'm caught in another tree.

Lousy, shirt-grabbing,
sap-dripping... Wha...?

I don't think Maggie
wants you out of her life, Moe.

Moe, I was thinking, if Maggie
and I were in the neighborhood...

...maybe we could drop by
and have a playdate...

...with you and your ham.

We'd like that, Homer.

[QUEEN'S "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND"
PLAYING]

Ooo, you make me live

Whatever this world can give to me

It's you, you're all I see

Ooo, you make me live now honey

Ooo, you make me live

WOMAN:
Shh.

[English - US -SDH]