All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e18.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

Dude, Where's My Ranch?

D'oh! Ah!

[SIMPSONS SINGING]
Silver bells, silver bells

It's Christmas time in the city

Oh, that is like so moving.

Yo, family, isn't that beautiful?

ALL:
Mm-hm.

Walking in a winter wonderland

Exquisite. Just exquisite.

Makes me wish
I hadn't released the hounds.

[ALL SCREAMING
AND DOGS BARKING]

- Should I call them off, sir?
- No, no. It's their Christmas too.

Have a nice Christmas
Have a nice Christmas

Have a nice Christmas

Non-Christian friend

That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming
of a Whitefish Christmas."

For this, I tied my bathrobe?

Just hear those sleigh
bells jingling...

Cease and desist. You are forbidden
to perform that song without paying...

- ...royalties to the owner.
- Nobody owns Christmas carols.

They belong to everyone,
like grapes at the grocery store.

Not true. But you are welcome to sing
the many public domain carols...

...such as "O Tannenbaum,"
"Good King Wenceslas"...

..."Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."

Those suck.
They're worse than nothing.

I could write way better songs.

Go. But don't use A-flat or G-natural.
Those are owned by Disney.

- Oh.
- That's A-flat.

- Oh!
- That's better.

That's it.
I'm writing a Christmas carol.

If I can make my own clothes,
I can do anything.

[HUMMING]

Christmas in December
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Give me tons of presents
Now, now, now

- Homer. Writing a new Christmas carol?
- Maybe.

Well, the Bible says
it's fun to do stuff together.

[SINGING] There's a stranger
In the manger and his name is love

Take it, Homer.

Oh, I got it. You want me
to stay out here and work on the chorus.

Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable,
handsome man.

But even I have my limits.
Now, beat it.

Why, thank you, Homer.

It's a popsicle
in my favorite flavor, plain.

[GRUMBLES THEN YELLS]

Lousy, no good...
How am I supposed to write a song...

...with that stupid jerk bothering me
all the time and...?

Wait a minute.

[PLAYS NOTES]

[SINGING] Everybody in the U.S.A.
Hates their stupid neighbor

He's Flanders
And he's really, really lame

Flanders tried to wreck my song
His views on birth control are wrong

I hate his guts
And Flanders is his name

ALL:
F-L-A-N-R-D-S

He's the man thatl hate best

I'd like to see his
house go up in flame

[ALL CHEERING]

Excuse me. I've been researching
indigenous folk music of Springfield.

I couldn't help overhearing
your delightfully cruel hate song.

David Byrne?

Singer, artist, composer, director,
Talking Head?

Singer, artist, composer, director,
Talking Head?

And I used to wrestle
under the name El Diablo.

- I thought that was Philip Glass.
- Yeah, he wishes.

Hey, mister, if you like my song
so much, would you like to buy a tape?

- It's already rewound.
- No, thanks.

But I would like to sing it with you
and produce it.

Ugh, fine.

- F-L-A
- His name is Ned

- E-R-S
- That's a stupid name

He's worse than Frankenstein
Or Dr. No

You can't upset him even slightly
He just smiles and nods politely

Then goes home and worships nightly

His Leftorium is an emporium of woe

LENNY & CARL: F-L-A
HOMER: Don't yell at Ned

LENNY & CARL: D-E-R
HOMER: His wife is dead

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Everybody hates that stupid jerk

Springfield rocks
With Homer's joyous loathing

Filling clubs with angry Valentinos

You don't have to move your feet

Just hate Flanders to the disco beat

He's your perky, peppy
Nightmare neighborino

If you despise polite left-handers
Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders

Or his creepy little offspring
Rod and Todd

- That's us.
- Hurray!

ALL: F-L-A
- His name is Ned

- E-R-S
- He's so white bread

The smiling, mustached geek
Who walks with God

Mass dismissed.

Hey, what are we gonna wear
tomorrow?

BILL [ON RADIO]: We're halfway
through our same song six-pack.

MARTY: Now let's hear
William Shatner's version...

...of "Everybody Hates
Ned Flanders."

MAGGIE: Ah.
- Another cover? My God, let it die.

SHATNER [ON RADIO]:
Everybody in the U.S.A.

Hates their stupid neighbor

He's the Flanders man, the
Flanders man Flanders...

- I am so sick of that song.
- Ugh, me too.

I've come to hate my own creation.

Now I know how God feels.

Why don't we take a vacation and
get away from that song for a while?

Why don't we take a vacation and
get away from that song for a while?

Well, I guess we could afford
one nice trip.

I still think you should've left that
at the motel.

What? It said "take one."

BART: "Balloon Ride," "Wax Museum,"
"The Denzel Washington Monument"...

..."Colonial Phoenix." Hey, dude ranch.

And there's no radio or TV
so we won't have to hear your song.

Sweet.

Or we could go to Walter Gropius'
Bauhaus Village.

And fight the crowds? Forget it.

The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea.

This dude ranch is gonna be great.

A whole week without hearing
that stupid song.

You won't think it's stupid
when you hear the extended salsa mix.

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

Watch it, Mr. Byrne.
You'll slip on the simonize.

Simonize?

[YELLS]

MOE:
Whoa, whoa!

- Can you take me to the hospital?
- Yeah, no problem.

Wasn't that the hospital?

- Uh, you ever see the movie Misery?
- Actually, no.

MOE:
Then this'll all be new to you.

Welcome to the Lazy I Ranch...

...where we give you a week
of rustic ranch living.

- Do you have an Internet connection?
- Internet?

[LAUGHS]

Son, the only Internet connection
we got...

...is a dedicated DSL port
in the business center.

Or you could patch in
through the smart fridge in your cabin.

Hmm, if said fridge is smart, it will be
filled with Hot Pockets and bologna...

...by the time I get there. Goodbye.

"On this battleground in 1881,
56 Indians lost their lives...

...and four brave Americans
lost their hats."

[WHIMPERING]
Those poor hats.

This whole ranch is appalling. It's built
on a legacy of cruelty to animals...

...and oppression
of indigenous people.

Just our way
of making y'all feel welcome.

- You're not listening.
- I never do.

Yee-haw!

[GRUNTS THEN GROANS]

[LAUGHING]

I'll show you how they get on a horse
where I come from.

- Daddy, I need upsies.
- Coming, sweetie.

[HOMER GRUNTS]

- Huh. Well, he sure shut us up.
- Mm-hm.

Yee-haw!

[YELLING]

I really don't wanna do
a lot of flip-de-loops.

No problem. You can hop
on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.

Pleased to meet you. Have a tooth.

[GROANS]

[GRUMBLES]

Hey, Crabby Hayes,
get with the program.

I'm sick of this horse slapping
and cow taunting.

I'm going to my room.

LUKE:
Hold it right there.

Mama rattlesnake would be mighty sore
if you scrambled her young'un.

[RATTLING]

- Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.
- I'm Lisa Simpson.

And you're the first person I've met here
who cares about our animal equals.

Well, if you like animals, you won't
wanna disappoint that pony over there.

She's just aching to show you around.

[NEIGHS AND WHINNIES]

I'm sure she'd be happier without
someone sitting on her back all day.

Sorry you're not interested
because I need somebody...

...to help me hang these "No Hunting"
and "Free Tibet" signs.

That was a delicious meal, Cookie.

- What do we do with our garbage?
- Leave it for Cleanie.

My precious.

Would you like to be photographed
in my great-grandfather's headdress?

He unified the nations
of the western plains.

Five dollars or three for 12.

Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo
and my wife is Betty Boop?

You mean package B.

And this is supposed
to save our marriage?

I thought you guys lived off the land.

How come you're selling junk
to jerks like us?

Used to live and farm
in a bountiful valley.

Then the river was dammed
to make that lake...

...by our ancient enemy, the beaver.

[CRUNCHING]

Why don't you just chase
the beavers away?

Unfortunately, the beaver
is also our god.

In retrospect, it was a poor choice.

You people are guests in our country.

And the beaver have no right
to treat you that way.

If I get back your land, will you promise
to build a casino on it?

Sure. And when we do,
your breakfast will be comped.

How many decks will
your blackjack dealers use?

- Eight.
- Three.

- Four.
- Deal. My brother.

Wow!

Oh, Luke.

I didn't gasp like that until I was 18.

All right, son,
we just knock over this dam...

...and the noble Native Americans
can reclaim the land that is theirs.

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

[YELLING]

No! I wanted to die choking on food.

I'll save you.

[GRUNTS]

So long, suckers! Ha, ha.

Uh-oh. Aah! Aah!

Stop shoving.
The little one isn't getting any. Aah!

Thanks for making me feel better
about this place, Luke.

Lisa, this here's the New West...

...where we respect our equine
and bovine Americans.

Uh, well, maybe we should just mosey
on over this way. Ah!

Free range my ass.

Tonight you're gonna be swimming
next to a matzo ball.

I think maybe we should just look
at the clouds.

- Well, ain't that pretty.
- Oh, it looks like a happy sheep.

Oh.

Oh, damn it.

Shucks, Lisa. You sure have taken
a shine to that cowpoke.

- Mom, why are you talking like that?
- Don't rightly know.

I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit
in a bucket full of gopher gravy.

I'll stop now.

Well, I like it here too.

Luke has shown me
the gentle side of the Old West.

He's really sophisticated
for a 13-year-old.

Thir-what-year-old?

Lisa, you're only 8.

But when he's 23, I'll be 18.

Lisa, you don't know
what you'll want in the future.

I didn't marry the first boy I...

Well, I did, but you shouldn't.

[GRUMBLES]

Ha, ha. Wanna play a little longer?

It's only 10 and the moon is awful big.

Well, heck, you should see it
when it's full.

[PLAYING SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC]

Oh, no. They're making
beautiful music together.

Let's see. Move that there.
Do a flanking maneuver there.

Wind should be coming in
from the south.

Time it to coincide
with beaver holiday.

[GRUMBLES]

This map is useless. Useless.

Homie, I'm worried about how fast
our kids are growing up.

It's beef hormones
and the fluorescent lights.

- What are you gonna do?
- They're already acting like teenagers.

Lisa's with that boy,
and look at Maggie.

[BRITNEY SPEARS' "OOPS!...
I DID IT AGAIN" PLAYING ON STEREO]

Oops!... I did it again
I played with your heart

Got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby

Look, Cookie. There's a dance tonight.

A dance? A dance?

[LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]

Whew. I'm pooped.
I'm going to bed. Bed?

[WHOOPS]

Alrighty, I'll see you tonight.
And I'll save you the first dance.

Love you too, Clara.

Clara? He's got a girlfriend.

I feel like such an idiot.

[CRYING]

Hey, bottom bunk's mine.

Keep going.

I can't believe Luke has another gal.

"My name is Clara.

I've known Luke
for more than five days."

Excuse me. Is this the way
to the Lazy I Ranch?

Yeah, it sure is.

But a quicker way to the ranch
is that shortcut.

Thanks, darling. See you at the dance.

[HORSE WHINNIES
AND EAGLE SCREAMS]

I look forward to it.

[CHUCKLES]

I hate you.

HOMER:
Oh, boy.

Check it out, beavers.

Delicious motel furniture.

They took the bait. Let's go.

Uh-oh.
We forgot to empty the minibar.

Ah! That's a $17 deck of cards.

Let it go, Dad.

[BEAVERS SQUEAKING]

Quick. Find the master log.
There's always a master log.

Whoa.

[GRUNTS]

We did it. Finally, man has triumphed
over a small furry animal.

Treaty, treaty, treaty, bill, treaty...

Peace Pipe Aficionado magazine.

Thank you. You have restored
our village and our way of life.

We would like to make you
honorary members of our tribe.

Drink deep from these cups.

The bear urine will make you strong.

[CHUCKLES]

- Actually, it's Fresca.
- Fresca?

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT
COUNTRY MUSIC]

[SINGING] Well, grab your partner
And start swinging them

Don't forget the two-drink minimum

Take your corner by the hand
Get adult videos on demand

Flash your teeth, let's see those smiles
Pay with Visa, earn free miles

Yee-haw!

- Dang it. Clara should be here by now.
- I'm sure she's just running late.

Or she's not coming because she doesn't
understand how special you are.

That sure don't sound like my sister.

Sister?
You mean she's not your girlfriend?

Hell, no. They outlawed that
in this state two years ago.

[LISA WHIMPERS]

Need help. Come with me.
Done something terrible.

Don't care. Just totally caught
in the moment.

I have some sad news for y'all.

After this dance, I'm heading to jail.

One of my stray bullets
hit a Texas Ranger.

But I'll be back in six months.

Yee-haw!

Blanks. They just don't feel the same.

[HOOTS]

[HOWLS]

[SQUEAKS]

So I sent Luke's sister down
the wrong trail and...

Hey, where did all this water
come from?

There used to be a trail here.

And there used to be
a beaver dam there.

Who are you, the "used to" police?
Unh! Unh!

CLARA:
Help!

Help me. I can't swim.

I'm one lesson short.

How can we get across?

Hey, beavers, remember me,
you buck-toothed nerds?

[BART LAUGHING]

Run across.

I'm sorry. I only sent you
the wrong way...

...because I thought
you were Luke's girlfriend.

Well, that certainly
justifies attempted murder.

You know, there are more important
things in this world than boys.

- And when... Hello, handsome.
- What's up, cootie breath?

Look at those stupid city slickers
with their fur coats and pointy hats.

Homer, those are elk.

I still hate them.

Go back to Grosse Pointe.

[ELK BELLOWING]

Lisa, Clara told me
about how you saved her last night.

- Did Clara tell you anything else?
- No.

Just that she felt mighty stupid
for getting herself lost in them woods.

Listen, Luke.
It's my fault Clara got lost.

I didn't know she was your sister
and I wanted you all to myself.

You would do that just for me?

That's despicable.

You're the kind of slicker my family
left Central Park West to avoid.

You got a lot of chutzpah, missy.
Goodbye.

[CRYING]

Oh, I had my first crush.

And all it did
was make me do terrible things...

...and then break my heart.

Lisa, welcome to love.

It's full of doubt and pain
and uncertainty.

But then one day, you find a man
you love so much, it hurts.

- Who is he?
- You, Homie.

Whoo-hoo!
In your face, imaginary guy.

Hey, let's see if Dad's song
is finally off the air.

BILL [ON RADIO]: Next,
Springfield's latest one-hit wonder...

...The "Moe Szyslak Connection,"
produced by David Byrne.

MOE [SINGING ON RADIO]:
Moe, Moe, Moe

How do you like me?
How do you like me?

Moe, Moe, Moe

Why don't you like me?
Nobody likes me

Eh. We can spend another week
at the ranch.

Yee-haw!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that can't be good for the struts.

WOMAN:
Shh.

[English - US -SDH]