All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e16.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

D'oh! Ah!

[ALL SHOUTING THEN GRUNTING]

Before we begin, may I remind you,
school computers are not to be used...

...to access PrincipalSkinnerStinks.com,
SkinnerSucks.org...

...or ShaveThisSkinner. edu.

[CHUCKLES]

He didn't say anything
about SkinnerlnAShredder.com.

Let's make this the best year ever.

[GRUNTS]

Today we have a special guest:

A documentary filmmaker whose works include
Lost Luggage, Shattered Lives...

...and Upskirt Dreams.

Please welcome Declan Desmond.

[STUDENTS APPLAUDING]

Thank you.
Now, when you think of documentaries...

...you probably think of the Maysles
brothers and Barbara Kopple.

Well, they're not good enough
to wipe my lens.

Here's a look at my work.

A film I made about Krusty Burger:

Do You Want Lies With That?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Does it bother you that Krusty uses
mad cow beef to save money?

No. Because they pass the savings
on to me, the consumer.

[GRUNTING]

Aren't you ashamed to lend
your likeness to substandard food?

Look, I give people a meat-like burger
and some kind of cola...

...and they still get change back
from their 50.

Your customers may be shocked
by my footage of you...

...stapling together abandoned,
half-eaten burgers.

[CACKLES]

[CACKLES]

Good as new.

ALL:
Ew!

Powerful.
Now he's gonna make a documentary...

...about Springfield Elementary...

...which I assume
will be glowing and positive...

...unlike all of his other work.

Right. Now, everyone, while I'm filming,
please be yourselves.

I want to see troubled children brooding,
bullies doling out what for...

What about us cool kids?
Should we just chill out?

You're doing great.

Stay with the dink.

America is supposed to be
a democracy.

But in the schoolyard, cool rules.

And Springfield's
Machiavelli of the monkey bars...

...is one Bartholomew Simpson.

On today's royal agenda:

Digging up dirt clods
to throw at his school chums.

I chuck them at nerds, girls I like.
Whatever.

Ow!

Munch mud, Simpson.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'm telling.

[WHIMPERING]
Oh, man.

And in a flash...

...Bart's glory has gone the way
of England's masculinity.

[CHUCKLES]

It's a dangerous life
being a hall monitor.

When you leave home
in the morning...

...you may be kissing your dolls
goodbye for the last time.

My sash says "Ultraman."

[GRUNTS]

I think we've seen enough.

You should realize that our school
is not all nitwits and Nelsons.

Why don't I open a door at random?

Why, look.
It's typical student Lisa Simpson.

Oh, hello.

I've just been listening to Bach
while reading at a sixth-grade level.

Indeed.

[LAUGHS]

Hitting it off already.

I haven't seen such a natural pair
since half sandwich and soup of the day.

I'll leave you two alone.

Remember, as far as he knows,
we still teach Math.

Hmm, Lisa, I can't help but wonder
if this is a bit of a put-on.

Why, whatever do you mean?

Whoa!

[SNORING]

Huh? What? Go, Aberdeen!

[SNORING]

Ha, ha, you can't blame Principal Skinner
for wanting to feature his best student.

- And that's you.
- Well, I am young, gifted and yellow.

My interests include music, science,
justice, animals, shapes, feelings.

So you see yourself
more as a buffet-style intellectual.

Picking and nibbling...

...until one day you're 38
and managing a Barnes & Noble.

Hey, that's not gonna happen.

Lisa, I'm afraid you're a dilettante.
Pick a path and follow it.

Or you'll grow up, slog your way
through Mount Holyoke...

- ...and squeeze out babies.
- Stop it!

Since Nelson nailed you with that dirt,
no one thinks you're cool anymore.

Even that kid that wears diapers
is more popular.

And he ain't popular.

So? I'll bounce back.
I always bounce back.

Like after the time
I accidentally called the teacher mom.

Even I beat you up that day.

After you passed out.

[ALL GASPING]

What's that hood ornament
doing around your neck?

I snapped it off some jerk's car.

I could go to prison for life,
but whatever.

CROWD:
Ah! Wow!

The only way to be cooler than him
is to do what he does.

I've gotta steal me a hood ornament.

But how?

[GROANS]

Is something wrong, kids?
You haven't touched your Dinnerables.

Nelson steals a hood ornament
and now he's king of the school.

All that's left for me is to become the
biggest drunk this town's ever seen.

Pfft! Talking won't get you there.

Lisa, what's bumming you out?

They cancel a test or something?

[CHUCKLES]

Dad, my life lacks direction.

It's a concern. A serious concern.

Hey, I never chose a path.

And because I kept my options open,
I can finally do what I want.

- And what's that?
- I'm gonna die alone.

Gotta pick a career.
Gotta pick a career.

I can find a good career
at this museum.

Or at least see if they fixed that
mislabeled raccoon I complained about.

Hmm, maybe I could be an expert
on dinosaurs.

Don't do it, little girl.

I spent 30 years brushing the teeth
of dead monsters.

Maybe geology.

"Formed by unimaginable heat
and pressure deep inside the earth...

...minerals explode
in a vast panoply of... " Ew.

MAN [ON RECORDING]:
Since the dawn of time...

...travelers looking for guidance
have turned to the heavens.

[GASPS]

Polaris, the star of the north...

...mighty Orion's Belt...

...the majestic Milky Way...

...home of a familiar blue planet
we call...

...Rigel VII.
Not too far from Earth.

We have only scratched the surface
of the universe.

Who will discover the wonders
that lie beyond our galaxy?

Will it be you or you?

Or you?

That's it. Lisa Simpson, astronomer.

[CHUCKLES]

MAN:
Now who will press my reset button?

Will it be you?

Or you?

Or you?

Oh, Dad, look at this one.

Sweetie, Daddy doesn't have
enough money for that.

Unless they take a check.

We certainly do.

Boing!

Why did you say that?
Your check gonna bounce?

No, ha, ha, of course not.

Duh!

Why did you say that?
Are you implying I'm dumb?

Ah, I have to go.

Oh, my God!
Space monsters are invading us!

Dad, that's a moth.

Oh. Well, where do I twist this thing
to make funny patterns?

Dad, that's a kaleidoscope.

You may be a smart kid...

...but you don't know much
about not hurting people's feelings.

Okay. "At 6:22 p.m.,
Venus will be visible at 27 degrees."

Hiyo!

[LISA GASPS]

Oh, it's beautiful.

What happened?

[BEACH BOYS "GOOD VIBRATIONS"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys.

Okay. Jupiter should be somewhere
around here.

Hmm... Hey.

[BOTH GASPING]

For three seconds there,
you were legally the mayor.

Yeah. And you was a girl, Joe.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

It should be dark enough
to see the stars up here.

You stole my stars, Springfield!

No one ever wrote a poem
about sickly orange barf glow.

I know exactly how you feel,
young lady.

What you are seeing is light pollution.

Light pollution.

For astronomers like me...

...this is a bigger problem even than...
I don't know...

...say, getting a date,
which is difficult for the geeky people.

We've gotta do something.

I know. Maybe we can get people
to sign a petition.

Well, I'd like to help, I would.

But if I leave this observatory,
another astronomer will move right in.

They're like hermit crabs. They...
There's one now.

I see you!

[GRUNTS]

MAN:
You said he was out of microscopes!

Hey, check out this hood ornament
I stole.

With this glinting gewgaw...

...the beta male attempts
to reclaim leadership of his herd.

Oh, that's good narration.

That's not a hood ornament.
It's a pacifier you spray-painted silver.

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS THEN GROANS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ha, ha!

Wait, that's not right.

[BLOWS PITCH PIPE]

Ha, ha!

Oh, look. It's jill-of-all-trades.

So, what's the ambition du jour?

I'm collecting signatures
to bring back the night sky.

Wow, the night sky.

How did you come up with that,
tilt your head up?

Does it make you feel superior
to tear down people's dreams?

Yes. Does it make you feel smart
to question people's motives?

- Yes.
- Well, all right then.

Hi. I'm trying to reduce light pollution.

Argh! I'd be happy
to scrimshaw your petition.

People of Springfield,
I've heard your pleas.

Whether you're an idealistic stargazer
like Lisa...

...or a faded southern belle
who needs the forgiving cloak of night...

...to seduce naïve young delivery boys
with more pizza than common sense...

...I say Springfield
will be the dimmest city in America.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Look up at the stars, Springfield.

For eons, people have gazed at the skies
and seen into their souls.

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, stop.

Look out, Matthew Modine
and Charlene Tilton.

There are new stars in town:

Sky stars.

Now visible thanks to
Springfield's latest cave-in...

...to the astronomer lobby.

The best part is...

...next week we'll get to see
the Deadly meteor shower.

Deadly meteor shower?

Named after its discoverer,
Professor Artimus Deadly...

...who was, ironically, killed
in the shower of 1853.

The last time those meteors came,
we thought the sky was on fire.

Naturally, we blamed it on the Irish.

We hanged more than a few.

[CROWD LAUGHING
AND SHOUTING NEARBY]

Uh-oh.

Sounds like some bad eggs
are cooking up trouble.

Mm... Bad eggs.

[GURGLING]

[ALL WHOOPING]

Check it out.

This is great.
It's darker than a French chick's armpit.

Oh, every car has been harvested.

I've got to get that hood ornament.
No matter who owns it.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

That bird touched my car.

You know what to do.

You're gonna be drinking worms
through a straw.

[BOTH GRUNTING
AND BIRD SQUAWKING]

[GULPS]

Springfield's pro-darkness policy
has resulted in vandalism...

...unmatched since the Detroit
Tigers last made the playoffs...

...over two centuries ago.

The government has issued
an Orange alert...

...which, once again, means nothing.

Time to get that hood's ornament.

[BART & MILHOUSE GRUNTING]

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Buonasera, Fat Tony.

I park your car
the way Mama used to do.

Why, thank you. And may I say...

...your mustache looks thick
and hearty.

Fully Italian.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Try the cheese pizza.

It's greasy like, uh, you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You're gonna
depreciate a Mafia don's car?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, heh,
we're all gonna be murdered someday.

ALL [CHANTING]: Two, four, six, eight!
It's time to reilluminate!

Mr. Mayor, you can't flip-flop on this.

We'll miss the meteor shower.

Oh, I don't know
how you keep getting past Security.

[GROANS]

Luigi, I appreciate
your courtesy valet service.

I made a note on your card
in my Rolodex:

"Don't whack."

Thank you, Fat Tony. Thank you.

But at the risk of enraging you
by making you look stupid...

...we have no valet parking.

You mean that 10-year-old
with a mustache was a phony?

You know, Bart,
I really like spending time with you.

Just hold the light.

I can't see nothing.

Let's fire blindly into the dark.

No. You might hit a made man.

- They want light...
- Unh.

...by God, they'll get light.

No!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH SIGH]

End of the line.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH GROANING]

Hey, you're not John Ritter.

And you ain't that gorilla
from the zoo.

- Eh.
- Eh.

Okay, you filthy booze-bags, it's 2 a.m.
So, uh, who's the designated driver?

It was Andy.

[LAUGHS]

No one's ever won
Moe's drink-a-gallon-of-gin challenge.

And no one ever will.

Ah, life is good.

Hey, what happened?
It's bright in the middle of the night.

You know what this reminds me of?
My Icelandic boyhood.

It's this new anti-crime dealie.

The mayor turned the street lights
way up.

My daughter Lisa feels really strongly
about it.

- Pro or con?
- I don't know. What am I, Super Dad?

Boy, this light has really screwed up
the animals.

[CHIRPS]

I'll bet somewhere
there's a horse drinking coffee.

I haven't slept in seven days.

And I've gotten so much ironing done.

"Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night."

[MARGE HUMMING]

Dad, this lack of sleep
is making Mom and Maggie crazy.

Don't you think you're overreacting,
talking gumball machine?

Or an assemblyman on the take.

Forget it. It's so bright out,
you can't see anything in the sky...

...except the Fox satellite.

No, I got my eyes on the prize.

The hood ornament I desperately want
for reasons I can no longer remember.

The only thing stopping me
is those lights.

Huh! Bart, I just realized...

...we both want the same thing:

Darkness.
And we can get it if we work together.

With my brain and your, uh...

Your assistance...

You can say it. I add nothing.

You can't have light without power.

And all the power comes from here.

How'd you get Dad
to go along with this?

In his sleep-deprived state,
he's very suggestible.

Okay, Dad...

...you are now playing patty-cake
with Maggie.

[MUMBLES]

MAN [ON RECORDING]:
Palm recognized. Access granted.

Aw, my baby's first words.

Hmm...

Now we merely push this switch
to overload.

Yet once we do,
we'll be breaking the law.

Can good truly come
from civil disobedience?

- Gandhi thought so, but...
- Gandhi also said less talk, more rock.

[WHIRRING]

[BUZZING]

Uh-oh! All the lights are out. You better
get the entire force working on this.

- But, chief, we are the entire force.
- Okay. We gotta start recruiting, Lou.

Ugh, look at all those shards of glass!

I'll catch them on my tongue for luck.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

It worked. I got my sky back.

Dad, look.

Night! Glorious night!

[SHEEP BAAING]

[COW MOOS]

[IMITATION DOG AND MUMBLING]

[SNORING]

Uh-oh!

ALL:
There they are! There they are!

I can't read porno by candlelight!

Who am I, Abe Lincoln?

I say tear them limb from limb!

ALL:
Yeah!

Huh! Look.

[ALL GASPING]

MAN 1: Oh, they're beautiful.
WOMAN: My God.

I'm not angry anymore.

Whoa, I don't need drugs
to enjoy this.

Just to enhance it.

[DON McLEAN'S "VINCENT
(STARRY, STARRY NIGHT)" PLAYING]

Paint your palette blue and gray

Look out on a summer's day

With eyes that know the darkness
In my soul

I wish Jimmy the Snitch
could see this.

JIMMY:
Well, just open the trunk.

And I thought this was gonna be
a bad night.

Oh, great glayvin in a Glad bag.

That meteor contains
carbon-based molecules.

I may be able to prove the existence
of life in outer space. Ha, ha.

Shut up.

[MARGE GROANS]

This is even better
than our screen saver.

And I love our screen saver.

- Nicely done, Lisa.
- Thanks, Mom.

I wish God were alive to see this.

[DON McLEAN'S "VINCENT
(STARRY, STARRY NIGHT)" PLAYING]

They would not listen
They're not listening still

Perhaps they never will

DESMOND: American Boneheads: A Day
in the Life of Springfield Elementary.

Where do you think you will be
in seven years?

I'm gonna live with
Underground Grandma.

I'm gonna go
to a two-year technical school...

...then work in a garage. Ugh.

- Sellout.
- Ugh.

- Yuppie.
- Soccer mom.

I'll be batting.352 in the majors.

[GRUNTING]

Yes!

[GRUNTS]

Did you get that, Simon?

Brilliant!

Right. Let's go to Moe's.

WOMAN:
Shh.

[English - US -SDH]