All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e14.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

D'oh! Ah!

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: We return to a
late episode of The Three Stooges:

"Brittle Boneheads."

[CURLY GRUNTS]

MOE: There.
- Unh.

Take it easy, Moe.

He don't have health insurance.

Take that, you... You, um...

- Chowderhead?
- Thanks, for nothing, unh.

Ha, ha, that was my paralyzed side.

Oh, stroke victim, eh? Unh.

Please, Moe.
I don't wanna do this no more.

Get up, Curly Four.

- Curly Four?
- I need a quarter for the bus.

[LAUGHS]

Droll.

Hmm? Hmm... Hmm.

Mm, mm.

Promo.

Ew! Fox.

[RUMBLING]

Now, I got you...

[BOTH GASP]

Unh, not the swear jar.

It's the only thing holding back
the filth.

Nutty fudgkins.

[SQUIRREL CHATTERS]

[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

[SQUEAKING]

[SHOUTING]
Do you hear a noise?

[SHOUTING]
What?

Why is that jet flying
so close to our house?

Why don't you ask those guys?

If I stop pedaling, I'll die.

But it still beats U.S. Air, ha, ha.

The people there don't know
how to make a flight.

They must've moved the flight paths
over our house.

This is a private jet.

Why do we gotta watch The Divine
Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?

The boss.
He's got a thing for the ya-yas.

[WHIMPERING]

Why was I born a man?

[RUMBLING]

Ew! I got Bart's veal.

I got Lisa's plankton kebobs.

Ew! Marge germs.

Maggie, give me that.

[BELCHES]

How much longer
is this going to go on?

I'm gonna go calm my nerves
with a nice relaxing shave.

Tissues, please.

Get out of my airspace.

Dad, why don't you go
to the airport authority and complain?

I'm on my way.

You man the rake.

[HOMER SCREAMS]

[CAT MEOWS]

[COW MOOS]

This is not a Delta hub.

Go up to Room 915
and ask for form 1790.

We've already been to Room 915.
We've already filled out form 1790.

It was an application
to open a Cinnabon stand.

Look, can you please just tell us
why you've changed the flight paths?

Uh, look, they were changed...

...because it disturbed local wildlife
and their mating rituals.

QUIMBY: Vote Quimby. Vote Quimby.
Vote Quimby. Ahh!

Without those noisy planes,
I can finally hear my kitten purr.

Thanks a million, Joe.
You're the swellest.

That's your voice?

Now, I regret building you
that opera house.

There has to be a solution
that pleases everyone.

From ducks and trees
to you's and me's.

Are you threatening
a government official?

- No.
- Good. Because we're the government.

We make the laws. We print the money.
And we breed the super-soldiers.

So go home, learn to live with it,
pay your taxes...

...and remember, you didn't hear
about super-soldiers.

[RUMBLING]

[LISA SHUDDERING]

There's the 1050 from Newark.

The 1052 from Phoenix,
connecting from Dallas.

The 1055 from Portland
is running late. Again.

There it is. Ha, ha.

Homer, we haven't gotten
a good night's sleep in weeks.

The dog has eaten all its hair.

[GROWLS]

And the fixtures won't stay
in one place.

I've had this dream before.

[SHUDDERING]

I never thought I would say this.

But I think we have to move.

Never.

Stay plugged in. I will find you.

Cookie, think you can sell this house?

Well, it'll be tough, but I can do it.

Cookie's number one
on the West Side.

- But this is the East Side.
- Who is this lady?

COOKIE:
Hmm, hmm?

Why are you selling your house?

Occasionally you might hear
a faint roar.

[APU & MANJULA GASP]

[RUMBLING]

[BOTH GASP]

See? It all works out.

I'll give you three crayons
and my milk.

It's a good offer.
I advise you to take it.

Hmm, make that a chocolate milk
and you got a deal.

I'm walking away.

We can't sell the house.
We can't live here.

What are we going to do?

Why don't we go to our congressman?

That's a great idea.

Why didn't you say something before?

I've been saying it for three weeks,
but every time I open my mouth...

[RUMBLING]

- What?
- What?

The shaking's so bad, all my omelets
have become frittatas.

That's the saddest story I've heard
in my 75 years of public service.

It makes my blood boil
and my left arm feel numb.

Also I taste copper.

[GRUNTS]

Quick. Someone perform CPR.

Uh...

[SINGING]
I see a bad moon rising

- That's CCR.
- Uh, uh...

It looks like we're
in for nasty weather

Congressman Wilcox
was laid to rest today.

Special election will be held
to fill his seat.

I guess there's only one way out
of our problems:

A murder/suicide pact.

How can you say that?

It's just an expression, Marge.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
You're watching Channel 6...

...Springfield's home
of Krusty the Klown.

Now on three times a day.

Because at Channel 6,
we got nothing else.

Hey, Krusty should run for Congress.

He could help us with the airplanes.

Yeah, and entertainers
are always winning elections.

Jesse 'The Body' Ventura,
Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat.

Mary Bono...

Sure I'll help you, kid.

Take a picture of me
and my number one dying fan.

Ha, ha.

Have your mom mail back the hat after,
uh, you know...

I'm not dying.

Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep fighting.
Where's my chai latte?

Krusty, we need you to run
for Congress.

Congress? But I hate the government.

They've been on my back
like hump on granny.

IRS, ATF, Immigration...

Immigration?

Oh, uh, Teeny here is from Brazil.

His uncle was the head monkey
at the Bureau of Tourism.

But if you get elected,
you can change all that...

...stop those airplanes
from flying over my house.

Yeah. I could even tell the FCC
to take a hike.

Look at this list of words
they won't let me say on the air.

Oh, all the good ones.

Hmm, I never even heard
of number nine.

It's doing 13
while she's elevening your five.

- Can I keep this?
- Sure, no 12 off my ass.

[VULTURE CAWS]

Welcome, fellow Republicans.

To start with, Brother Hibbert
will read a report on our efforts...

...to rename everything
after Ronald Reagan.

"All Millard Fillmore Schools
are now Ronald Reagans.

The Mississippi River
is now the Mississippi Reagan.

And my good friend Frankenstein
is now Frankenreagan. Bleh!

Excellent. Now, to the matter at hand.

Whom will we put up
for young Wilcox's Congressional seat?

Gentlemen, I am your candidate.

Maybe Bob Dole should run.
Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should.

Bob Dole likes to hear Bob Dole
talk about Bob Dole.

Bob Dole.

ALL [CHANTING]:
We want Krusty

We want Krusty

Uh, just one thing.

Are you guys any good
at covering up youthful...

...and middle-aged "indiscretions"?

Are these indiscretions romantic,
financial or treasonous?

Russian hooker. You tell me.

Oh, no problem. We'll say you were
on a fact-finding mission.

I did find out one fact: she was a guy.

Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on
to do Dr. Dolittle...

...I suppose we can make this work.

Congratulations, Krusty.
You're running for Congress.

Why don't you pound
that sign into your own lawn?

Eh, I'm still undecided.

I vow to reach out
to the Latino community.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[ALL GASP]

- Aie-yai-yai!
- [IN ENGLISH] What'd I say?

You said, "You're going to vomit
on their mother's graves."

Oh, so that's why my maid quit.

I was the first clown
to put a woman in sketches.

Miss Bada Boom Boom Boom.

She had more acting talent
in one boob...

...than most women have
in their entire rack.

WOMAN 1: Hmm
AGNES: Aw.

Yeah,
you with the million-dollar gams.

[AGNES GASPS]

Don't you see? He's pointing out
how sexist men can be.

Yeah, listen to the tomato
with the melons.

Hmm.

Oh, three-bean salad.

Sorry. You can't join us.

This is a hundred-dollar-a-plate
fundraiser.

For 200, you get a picture with me.

For a thousand,
I can have somebody whacked.

Uh, it's a joke.

When you give me that look,
it's a joke.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll have some more salad.

This is Kent Brockman
with a special live report...

...from the headquarters
of Krusty opponent John Armstrong.

How can I prove we're live?

Penis. Now, here's the candidate.

Krusty is an insensitive bore,
unfit for public office.

Take a look at this incredibly
offensive sketch from his show.

I shall now call the roll. France.

Oh, my cheese, she stinks.
No, wait. It's me.

- Jamaica.
- Hey, man. I call for a joint session.

This vote is dreadlocked.

San Francisco.

Hello there, sailor.
I'm here and fabulous.

Now, I'd like to make a motion.
Woo!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can't judge me by that sketch.

It was a different time, 1998.

[LISA MOANS]

[ALL SHUDDERING]

Those jets keep going
lower and lower.

Sorry.

[JET BEEPING]

Krusty, we're desperate here.

We need you
to turn your campaign around.

Is it the Jewish thing?
Because I can change that.

I'm Carlton Witherspoon III.
Where's my five iron?

Krusty, I don't usually give advice
to Republicans.

But it would be nice
to be on the winning side for once.

You have to start making
an honest connection with the voters.

Talk about how you can help
regular families, like ours.

Help regular families,
make an honest connection.

Krusty, why did you just drop
your pants?

I needed a joke to go out on.

[CACKLING]

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

Let me tell you all a story.

When the network offered me
50 grand a week...

...I threw my caviar in their face.

No. Connect.

Uh, because I was thinking
about the American family.

One family in particular...

...who was stepped on
by the government...

...and had nowhere else to turn.

- Boring.
- I'm talking about the Simpsons.

Let him speak.

You know what?
I'll never stop fighting for them.

Or for any other family that needs
someone to stand up for them.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I like that clown.

He's really looking out for me,
the average Joe Sixtooth.

Where'd you get yourself
another tooth?

Sidewalk.

If you send me to Washington,
you'll all have a voice.

A voice that will go:

Ahooga! Wah-wah!
Wacka-wacka-wacka!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHANTING]
Krusty. Krusty.

People, tell me your problems.
I'll fix them all.

The government wants
to shut me down...

...the pipes under my toilet
don't lead nowhere.

Elect me and I promise those pipes
will lead to a better tomorrow.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I gotta go. Don't forget to vote.

And watch out for the 612.

[TRAIN HORN BLARES
& CROWD GASPS]

Welcome to Fox News.
Your voice for evil.

We'll be interviewing
the top two candidates...

...for Springfield's
24th Congressional district.

For the Republicans, beloved children's
entertainer, Krusty the Klown.

And for the Democrats, this guy.

I have a name.

Yes, I'm sure you do, comrade.

I do appreciate your being here,
you're usually so mired in sleaze...

...it must be an effort
to come down to the studio.

- May I say something?
- Certainly, congressman.

He hasn't won yet.

You make a very adulterous point.

We will now conclude this debate
with a Krusty campaign commercial.

MAN [SINGING]:
When a man loves his country

Like Krusty loves America

NARRATOR: Krusty the Klown,
the man from funny.

I've brought laughter to your homes
three days a week, 18 weeks a year...

...for 12 of the past 25 years.

But whenever America has needed me,
I've been there.

NARRATOR: Photographs have been
modified to include Krusty.

Election night is so exciting.
I'm on pins and needles.

And I'm on Pepto and Xanax.

I'm so nervous, I kissed my dog
and gave my girlfriend a flea bath.

Laugh it up.
That joke cost me a thousand bucks.

We're ready to announce a winner in
Springfield's 24th Congressional District.

ALL:
Yay!

I won. I'm a senator.

- Congressman.
- Whatever.

I swear to uphold and protect
the Constitution of these United States.

So relax, gun nuts. I can't touch you.

[CHEERING & WHOOPING]

I'd like to introduce a bill
banning air travel over residential areas.

Hey, hey.

What are you? An idiot?

Freshmen congressmen
don't introduce squat.

You gotta pee in a bucket
until your second term.

But how am I supposed
to serve my constituents?

You can start by scrubbing off
some of this Capitol Hill graffiti.

You got a lot of work ahead of you.

Grover Cleveland sucks what?

Leave that, lest we forget.

Someone on this fakakta committee's
gotta care about my Air Traffic bill.

I'm sorry, congressman.

But this is a committee
for designing dollar coins...

...no one will use.

I say we make them out of chocolate.
Kids eat them. Why fight it?

Oh, I need some air.

Do you need some hot air?
We congressmen are full of it.

I blather on for hours.

Yap-yap-yap-yap-yap-yap!

[GROANS]

There he is.

Krusty, we came to see how many
campaign promises you've kept.

Uh, let's see. Did I promise to be
a slave to big oil?

- No.
- Well, then none.

Krusty,
I can't believe you're giving up.

I thought you'd make a difference.
I voted for you.

How could you vote? You're only 10.

This is not about me.
Or how many times I voted.

You were gonna get rid
of the airplanes over our house.

And now they're worse than ever.

Krusty, you've let everyone down.

And even worse,
you let down this sacred document.

You're right.
It's time I made a difference.

Dad, this is a kid's menu
where you help Yogi Bear...

...get to the Washington Monument.

Stained with the blood
of American patriots.

- That's jelly.
- From the unknown toaster.

KRUSTY:
I came here for a reason.

And I will not be silent until...

Hey, where is everybody?

No one usually shows up
unless there's a vote.

- Well, then why are you here?
- I steal stuff when everyone's gone.

[GRUNTING]

My Christmas shopping's done.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SIGHS]

- Poor Krusty.
- We gotta do something to help him.

Yeah. And to make things
even more suspenseful...

...our plane leaves in a half-hour.

Excuse me. I think I can help.

I've been working in this town
for a long time...

...and, well, I know
how to get things done.

Beat it, Waxie.

No. Let's hear him out.
He looks a little like Walter Mondale.

Yeah, looks like. Let's just say
I know how a bill becomes law.

Oh, that's easy.

First it's introduced,
then it goes to committee, then...

Wrong. That's wrong.

Now, I'll show you
how things really work around here.

Sorry, Krusty.

But there's no way
I'm letting your airline rerouting bill...

...out of committee.

Congressman, I have a tape here of you
using your free mail privilege...

...to send a get-well card
to your aunt.

Ah! If they hear about this in Modesto,
I'm ruined.

[SIGHS]

Maybe I wanted to be caught.

Now, Homer, that southern congressman
is your biggest obstacle.

Your job is to drink him under the table
so he misses the vote.

You think you can do it?

Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon.

How about a drinking contest, boy?
Right after I vote on the latest bill.

- How about before?
- Ha!

You remind me
of my high school drinking coach.

Now, enough talking. Let's drink.

Now, your job is to attach Krusty's bill
to a more popular bill.

One that can't fail.

The House will now consider
the Flags for Orphans bill.

Okay, paperclip, do your stuff.

Now, we just need a distraction.

You call this a bicameral legislature?

[HOMER GRUNTING]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
I say, I say, my groin.

We will now vote on the Flags
for Orphans and Airline Rerouting Bill?

Oh, well, it's paper-clipped.
Chairman Hayes, any objections?

Congressman Beauregard?

[SNORING]

Hmm?

I don't wanna fight no Union.

- All in favor?
ALL: Aye.

Motion carried.

The system works.

I've become enchanted and illusioned
with Washington.

And the reason it worked
is because you all did your part.

But I didn't do anything.

I just passed the bill in three hours.
Quit complaining.

At last those planes are flying
where they belong.

That's right, over the homes
of poor people.

[English - US -SDH]