All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e13.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

A Star Is Born Again

D'oh! Ah!

Come on, come on,
let's get to the beach.

[GROANS]

Hold your horses. I was up all night
fishing out the drawstring...

...from your father's swimsuit.

It came out again.

[GROANS]

Well, I'm all set. I'm gonna be following
the latest designs...

...from Modern Sandcastle Magazine.

Well, I'm all set too.

[BART CHUCKLES]

Then all that's left
is to protect Maggie from the sun.

[MARGE HUMMING]

I think she needs a diaper change.

Well, it ain't happening today.

Look, everybody, here they come.

Once again we celebrate
Springfield's most beloved event.

For each year,
on the third Tuesday of May sweeps...

...we witness the return
of the stinging red jellyfish.

[ALL CHEERING]

What a sight. It happens every year...

...like the swallows
returning to Capistrano.

Or the Fox network
getting a new president.

I made a new friend.

[RALPH YELLS THEN GROANS]

I'm going to Africa...

...to see lions and giraffes and monkeys
and Santa and gorillas and...

Daddy, why is everyone so happy
the jellyfish are back?

Well, in the old days, people thought
jellyfish venom had curative properties.

Now we know
it just makes things a lot worse.

- Like laser eye surgery?
- Exactly.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[SINGING]
Jellyfish, along you came

And right away I'm stunned

Sweet words I long to whisper

But you've paralyzed my tongue

Oh, what a magical evening.

The moonlight, the music, the water.

Enough talk. Dip me, my love.

[MARGE GRUNTING]

Lower. Lower.

Lower.

Ah. This is as romantic
as the night I proposed.

Maybe we can have this band play
at our wedding.

I was hoping we could use
this audio cassette.

- Seymour, we've got to have a band.
- Fine. But no cake.

Sarah, you're as lovely
as the day I first arrested you.

Oh, Clancy, ha, ha.

You know, I planted that crystal meth
just to meet you.

I was so shy.

Ah, well, Sea Captain, looks like
you and I are sailing solo tonight?

Are you hitting on me?

Because I don't do that...on land.

Well, guess I might as well head back
to my store.

I got a date with some twins,
the state and federal tax forms.

Poor Ned.
This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone.

I know.
And it doesn't get any easier from here.

There's the Tongue Kissing Festival,
Cinco de Ocho, the Hobo Oscars.

Days just made for lovers.

Not widowers, lovers.

"Form of business"?

[SIGHS]

Sole proprietorship.

"Owner's marital status"?

Happily married to a dead woman.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Excuse me. Are you open?

Mm-hm. Open as a tomb on Easter.

What can I ding-dong-diddily do
for you?

[CHUCKLES]

Boy, they don't make them
like you in L.A.

Oh, I should say not.

I gave up on L.A. when those TV people
made that poor nun fly.

All those Puerto Ricans
looking up her dress. That's not right.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you have any left-handed
eyelash curlers?

Do I?

No, I don't.
But I can have them here by Tuesday.

Well...
For now, I'll take a left-handed crimper.

[GASPS]

Why, you are gorgeous.

- You don't know who I am, do you?
- I sure do.

You're the most important person in
the world because you're my customer.

[CHUCKLES]

Are you for real?

I'm as real as the nose on your face.

Yeah. Real.

[CLANGS]

Well, it looks good.
And it sounds pretty too.

Thanks. I'll see you later.

I'm here for a while
and I don't really know anyone.

Would you like to have dinner
tomorrow?

A woman asking a man out?

Well. Well, why not?

And maybe I'll eat my steak
with a spoon.

Call me. I'm staying
at the Springfield Four Seasons.

[WHISPERS]
Ask for Zelda Fitzgerald.

What the...?
That's a pseu-diddilyeudonym.

[SINGING] Well, I've got a date
With a girl with no name

It sure feels good
To be back in the game

At dessert
Maybe I can ask her her name

Because I can't pray for her
Without the right name

Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo...

[GASPS]

I've got a date with a movie star?

Sure you do. And I'm going
apple picking with Scooby-Doo.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNORING]

[COUGHS]

NED:
Psst! Homer.

Flanders. Can't a man just drink alone
on a Wednesday morning?

I need your advice.

It's about a lady.

Ooh. Ha, ha.

Let me guess. Skinner's mother?
She sure knows how to swing it.

No, it's Sara Sloane.
I have a date with her tonight.

Sara Sloane? The movie star?

Yup. Why would that Twinkie wanna
go out with a Ding Dong like me?

Flanders, I mix Twinkies
and Ding Dongs all the time.

In Europe, they call it a Dinkie.

Well, sir, that's very encouraging,
but I can't date a movie star.

I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.

Now, wait just a minute.

I used to worry
Marge was too good for me.

She was always thinking of ways
to improve me.

But then part of her died
and she doesn't try anymore.

So we're all where we wanna be.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm sorry for the disguise, Ned.
I don't wanna cause a commotion.

Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph?

Excuse me, Miss Sloane.
May I have an autograph?

- Sure.
- Oh, man, this is going right on eBay.

I mean, my wall,
which I will sell on eBay.

Sad to say, this isn't the worst I get.

Oh, oh, can I just push this plastic cast
onto one of your boobs?

Okay. Now you are the worst.

Rod says "Marco." And darn it
if Todd doesn't say "Polo" right back.

[GASPS]

Oh, listen to me just
running my gums about my kids.

You're probably bored silly.

No. It's a nice change
from all the actors I usually date.

All they wanna talk about is their Botox,
their Tae Bo or their Xbox.

Huh.

Sara, there's something
I've been dying to do all night.

So let's just get it over with now
and hold hands.

[CHUCKLES]

SARA:
Mm.

Heaven's gate. I'm gonna be tasting
you on my moustache for a week.

Wanna try for a month?

BOTH:
Mm.

Sara Sloane has been involved
with every Tinseltown hunk...

...from Affleck to Zmed.

Well, yeah. She's had more stars on her
than Lisa's homework.

Mm-mm-mm.

Now she's dating Mr. Flanders.

That's so romantic.

Who the hell is Mr. Flanders?

Oh, Flanders.

[RINGS]

Hello. Yes, I'm Ned Flanders'
close personal friend.

That's right. Hot and heavy.

They've never been happier.

Oh, yeah, she does look pregnant.

Now, who might you be? A tabloid?
Is that one of those really strong mints?

Hello? Hello?

ROD & TODD [SINGING]:
Jesus is the rock

That rolls my blues away
Shooby-dooby, yeah, shooby-dooby

You guys are jamming.

Ah! Daddy, she swore.

[CHUCKLES]

You know,
I grew up in a house like this.

I didn't know there were
people like you left in the world.

Ha, ha, yup. We occupy
that useless mass of land...

...between Los Angeles and New York
called America.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ned, I'm not sure
you should open the door.

Oh, if someone took the time to press
that button, this is the least I can do.

- Are you sleeping with Sara Sloane?
- Is that moustache real?

Do you plan to kill Sara
like your last wife?

[STAMMERS]

It's the tabloids. Everybody, run.

WOMAN 1: Hey, come back.
MAN 1: Pose, pose.

Your carpeted floor
feels good on my toes.

MAN 2:
Come on. Let's concoct more lies.

DIRECTOR: Zookeeper's Wife,
scene 102, take one. Action.

Kiss me, Diego.

But your husband's animals
are watching.

Where do you think
I learned to do this?

Mm.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This movie is turning into
Sponge Bob No Pants.

- Ugh, cut.
- Sir, there's no reason...

...Sara needs to do this scene
in the altogether.

Sam, he's got a point.

Katharine Hepburn
never showed her breasts.

- There's still time.
- I want a rewrite with no nudity.

All right. But you're gonna
have to kiss a woman.

Deal. Ned, we won.

Yup. All we gotta do
is turn that woman into a fella...

- ...and that kiss into a game of Scrabble.
- You are so sweet to look out for me.

The public may not see me naked
but you just might.

Ha, ha, well, that's, uh,
very interesting, uh...

Easy, Ned.
Think of the Bible.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Miss Sloane, I loved you
in Sleeping with Pinocchio...

...and Honey,
I Scotchgarded the Kids.

Thanks. I grew really close to the
actress who played my daughter.

- I think she's in France or something.
- Hmm.

And, Ned, I haven't seen you
this happy in years.

Mm-hm.

I haven't felt this good
since we stole the 2000 election.

Hey, don't blame me.
I voted for the green M&M.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Ah! The paparazzi.

I thought we fooled them
with our Cher-crow.

[CHER'S "GYPSIES, TRAMPS AND
THIEVES" PLAYING ON STEREO]

Gypsies, tramps and thieves
We'd hear it from the people

MAN:
Are you aware your daughter's gay?

- Boy, those guys are such leeches.
- Moe, what are you doing here?

Can't your old buddy, Moe, stop by with
questions from the Weekly World News?

Uh, number one:
Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?

I'll have you know she pays
full price for her watercraft.

- Rainier Wolfcastle.
- My ex-boyfriend.

Sara, Liebchen, take me back.

If tears could burst
through my muscular ducts...

...I would cry like a baby
who was just hit by a hammer.

Rainier, you're too jealous.

You beat up Jon Lovitz
because he presented me an award.

Oh, come on. No one
misses a handshake that badly.

Sorry. I found someone nice
who doesn't talk like a freak.

Exact-a-tically-tacally.

My libido has been terminated.

Ned, I've never met a man like you.

You're sensitive. You're in great shape.
You have a moustache.

And yet you're not gay.

Oh, no way.

I won't even eat vegetables
over 2 inches long.

So anyway, uh, hmm,
your movie's wrapping up soon.

I guess you'll be heading out
on the first bus to the airport.

If you ride with a friend,
you can save 20 bucks.

Ned, I know this is fast.

When I go back to Hollywood,
I want you to come with me.

Ned Flanders in Tinseltown?

- Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.
- Oh, can I call you Jim?

James L. Brooks is good.
How about some sponge cake?

- Well, I can't see the harm.
- With a brandy glaze?

[CHUCKLES]

No!

Perhaps you'd like a football game.

- We don't have a team.
- No!

Hey, daddy baby.

- We're movie producers now.
- And we're Jewish.

ROD & TODD:
Yay!

[SCREAMS]

Sara, I'm sorry.
But I can't move to Hollywood.

Heck, even Dollywood's
too far out for me.

Too many people
appreciating it ironically.

Well, then I'm staying in Springfield
with you for good.

Oh, forgive my language.
But, uh, I'm one happy camper.

BOTH:
Mm.

Dude,
what's it like kissing a movie star?

What's it like kissing a woman?

[SIREN WAILING]

- What seems to be the problem, officer?
- Problem is I can't seem to get an agent.

Ha. Could you give your girlfriend
my headshot?

Uh, that's me as a greaser,
emperor of China, Eleanor Roosevelt...

...very regal, and now just plain me
with an eye patch.

I'll give it to my agent.

I don't do TV.

Sure is nice to be shopping
for a woman again.

Last thing I bought for a lady
was a casket.

Sir, would you ask your sweetheart
to sign her autograph for me?

Well, of course...

Wait a minute.
This is to adopt two of your kids.

Oh, so it is.

I've already dumped three
on Mia Farrow.

Sucker.

Look. It's celebrity boy toy,
Ned Flanders...

...and his arm candy, Sara Sloane.

Miss Sloane, how are you handling
the change from la-la land...

...to blah-blah land?

Lisa, Springfield isn't
a cultural wasteland.

Part of Stroker Ace
was filmed at our airport.

And, um... Oh, there's our ladies' book
club. Sara, you're welcome to come.

Oh, I'd love to.

Another scoop.

Sara Sloane
to attend girl-on-girl book club.

Ho-ho, Moe, you lovable loser.

You just made yourself $5. Whoo-hoo!

Today's book is Bridget
Jones's Diary.

Now, let's go around the room
and analyze why we didn't read it.

- Cramps.
- All my friends are dead.

Well, then,
I guess it's time for margaritas.

Well, I wish someone had read the book
since I did invite the author...

- ...Helen Fielding.
- Oh, never mind.

As long as they bought the book,
I'll get the money.

Besides,
most Americans can't understand...

...the sophisticated subtlety
of British humor.

I bid you good day.

[THEME FROM
"THE BENNY HILL SHOW" PLAYING]

Hop to it, honey.
If we get to the Pops concert early...

...we can give up our seats
to some old people.

Daddy, where do babies come from?

Sweetie, that's not the kind of dress
you wear outdoors or indoors...

...or in a dirty dream.

Oh, loosen up, honey.

This dress
just creates the illusion of nudity.

Well, Siegfried and Roy
create a lot of illusions...

...but I doubt
their girlfriends dress like that.

She should be ashamed.

That's disgusting.
Don't look, Seymour.

- I'm a veteran, Mother.
- A veteran bed wetter.

Mother.

Sara, I hate to say it,
but your top's upstaging the Pops.

Fine. I'll wear your stupid jacket.

HOMER:
Ah.

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

Ah.

Oh!

Ah.

Oh!

Ah.

Sara, I love you, but...

...I get the feeling you're just not a
Ned-head tonight. Is something wrong?

[SIGHS]

Actually, there is something.

The time we've spent together
has been wonderful...

...but I want sex with you.

Uh, well, that's, uh,
a mighty big kettle of, uh...

[SIGHS]

...premarital, uh, doodly. Ha, ha.

I knew you'd say that.

I need a glass of wine.

Oh!

Ah.

This is quite a dil-diddly-lemma.

I better talk this over
with the big man.

Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X.

Stupid Flanders, I'm not giving you
any of my secret moves.

Well, I'm not sure I wanna do it.

I mean, who will buy the cow
when you get the milk for free?

You know, the cow being me.

Flanders, I'm always interested
in talking about free milk.

And if there's cookies involved,
so much the better.

Hmm.

Ned, look.

I know I said I wanted this.
But I don't want you to do anything...

- ...you're uncomfortable with.
- I consulted my Bible...

...and found verses
supporting what you wanna do...

...and a lot of verses against it.

[WIND WHISTLING]

What does that one say, Ned?

It says a man should make restitution
if he eats his neighbor's grain.

And that's good enough for me.

[BOTH MOANING]

Whoa. Wow.

That made me completely forget
about Bob Balaban.

[CHUCKLES]

- That's what Maude used to say.
- A girl could get used to that.

Well, and you will
right after the wedding.

You wanna get married?

Mm-hm. That's right.
I'm like Baskin-Robbins.

You get one free taste,
then you gotta buy the scoop.

Ned, I love you.
But I'm not ready to be tied down.

I love you too. And I always will.
But unlike the Bible...

...I guess this ain't gonna have
a happy ending. I'm sorry.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Oh, darn the luck.
That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run.

Ha, ha! Fight Lupus.

Screen siren Sara Sloane
shocked Tinseltown last night...

...with a midnight marriage to
Gosford Park megahunk, Bob Balaban.

[GASPS]

This was followed three hours later
by a quickie divorce.

Ah. I bet we would have lasted
twice that long.

Poor Ned, gardening away his misery.

His answer's not at the bottom
of a hedge.

Hey, Hollywood, call me.
My number's on the bench.

[CROW CAWS]

It's the darnedest thing.

Women love you
when you've dated a movie star.

I'm very happy for you, Ned.

Me too.

[THEME FROM
"THE BENNY HILL SHOW" PLAYING]

Uh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding.

Jellyfish
I held you close

And told you I love you

But then
The ocean took you back

And now
I just hold goo

Jellyfish
I held you close

And said
Thatl love you

But then
The ocean took you back

My jelly
I'll miss you

For now

I just hold goo

[English - US -SDH]