All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e11.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

Barting Over

[LAUGHS]

[BELL RINGING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[BEEPING]

[LISA PLAYS SOLO]

D'oh! Ah!

HOMER:
Mm.

Today, we honor three great Americans.
Jazz legend Ornette Coleman.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Playwright Arthur Miller.

MILLER:
Yes. Yes. Ha, ha.

And all-around genius, Lisa Simpson.

BOTH:
We're not worthy. We're not worthy.

- Thank you, Mr. Cronkite.
- Ah!

She knows my name.

[HUMMING]

Ladies and gentlemen...

...tonight, I'd like to harangue you
about the plight of...

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

Ugh. Oh, Mom,
why did you wake me up?

I dreamt I was
at the Kennedy Center Honors.

Well, here's another low-rated
annual event: spring-cleaning.

Come on. Everyone's helping.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

You've gotta get rid of those Furbys.
They've turned feral.

[FURBYS GROWLING]

Hmm. This is an interesting old book.

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

Ooh! Mad Libs.

Hey, a box of old videotapes.

"Marge and Homer Get Dirty"?
Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted?

I've got something to show you.

MARGE [ON TV]: I can't believe
you talked me into this.

HOMER [ON TV]:
It's such a mess.

Ooh, watch the teeth.

Don't go telling your buddies
at work about this.

- Every tape is pumpkin carving.
- Hey, what's this?

"Bart Sad." If I ever needed proof
of the existence of God, here it is.

[CHUCKLES]

Balki, you're dancing in the toilet.

What?
You never heard of flush dance?

ANNOUNCER: Ha, ha. Perfect Strangers
will return after these commercials.

What a beautiful baby.

Ah! What horrible breath.

CHORUS [SINGING]: He's the baby
Whose mouth smells like death

Run for your life
It's Baby Stink-Breath

[LAUGHS]

[BREATH MONSTER PANTING]

Oh, my God. That's me.

This isn't "Bart Sad."
It's "Bart's Ad."

Wait. I was in a commercial?
I don't remember this at all.

No more Baby Stink-Breath.

Thanks to the Baby So Fresh
tri-patch system.

These soothing patches
alter your baby's DNA...

- ...while leaving the RNA untouched.
- Aw.

[GIGGLES]

Not safe for babies under 2.

[LAUGHS]

You're Baby Stink-Breath.
You're Baby Stink-Breath.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[MAGGIE BABBLES]

How could you make me
Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?

I was going to tell you
on my deathbed.

Honey, you did have a great time
doing those commercials.

And you made a lot of money.

I did? Where is it?

Your father invested it
in a college trust fund...

...which today must be worth a...

- La-la-la-la-la.
- Hmm.

Of course,
the stock market's been down lately.

But there must be some sort of...

La-la-la-la-la.

Nothing left.
La-la-la-la-la.

You spent all the money I earned?

I needed it. I had to buy back
some incriminating photos.

Look. See? You're fine.

And then, whoops!

Uh-oh. Look out.

I know this looks bad,
but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero.

See? Watch.

I saved you.

You stole my money!

Bart, stop that.

That's okay. His cute little hands
can't even fit around my neck. He...

[YELLING]

Now he's got it.

Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.

Mom,
I am sick of the way he treats me.

He disrespects me
and I'm just supposed to accept it?

Right. You're mine until you're 18.

When you're 17,
I'm gonna know the end is near...

...so I'm gonna work you like a dog.

[GRUMBLES]

So my dad blew all the money I made
from that embarrassing commercial.

Promise me you won't tell anyone.

I won't. But these things
have a way of getting out.

Ha, ha, Baby Stink-Breath.

[GRUNTS]

It was worth it.

I just wish there was some way
to get back at my dad.

When my mom wants to get back
at my dad, she uses her lawyer.

- Does it make him cry?
- More than normal.

[SOBBING]
Hey, son.

I've got tickets for the circus.

Hmm, "Badger, Haggle and Bill."

"Luvum and Burnham, Family Law."

"Hackey, Joke and Dunnit."

Bingo.

I want a divorce from my parents.

You wha...?

I said, I want a divorce
from my parents.

I heard you.
I was calling my secretary.

Uwa, get me the standard
child-divorcing-parent form.

Yes, sir.

I heard a wonderful saying today,
"Forgive and forget."

Yes. At times like this,
I just look at my bracelet.

Good point, Dad.
What would Jesus do?

Jesus? I thought it was Geppetto.
Aw, pfft.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Who is it?
- I'm here to serve you with a subpoena.

Well, I'm not opening the door.

It comes with a side of bacon.

- Is it crispy?
- Yes.

- But not too crispy?
- No.

Unh. See you in court.

Bart, you're suing us?

- Yes. I wanna be emancipated.
- Emancipated?

Don't you like being a dude?

No, Dad. It means Bart
would be a legal adult...

...and free to move out of the house.

I wanted a sewing room but not like this.
Not like this.

Mom, you've always been cool to me.

But Homer is a lousy dad
and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Hey, my dad was lousy
and I didn't sue him.

I just dumped him
in the cheapest home I could find.

Hey. My IV is empty.

And my catheter is full.

MAN:
Mm-hm.

[HUMMING SOFTLY]

Hmm.

- See you tomorrow.
- But you...

Bart, using this doll, tell the court
where your father took money from you.

Here and here.

Let the records show that he pulled out
the pockets of the doll.

Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you
have an anger-management problem.

Why, you little...

Uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse
in my normally calm demeanor.

Could the stenographer please read
the previous statement?

- "Why, you little..."
- Why, you little...

[LAUGHS]

Why, you little... Why, you little...

All rise for the verdict.

Son, I just want you to know
whatever that judge decides...

...I'm gonna be the best dad I can.

No judge would send a preteen
out on his own...

Whoo-hoo! You're still mine. And you
thought I was a bad dad before...

... except in this case.

That boy's about as safe living with you
as a crawdad in a gumbo shack.

Bart Simpson,
I declare you emancipated.

Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages
until Bart is fully repaid.

Mm, garnish.

That means half your paycheck
goes to Bart.

What the...? Half goes to Bart,
half goes to my Vegas wife.

- What's left for Moe?
- Homer, don't make things worse.

I'll show you worse.

[SCREAMS]

[THUD]

I was told this would be televised!

How can I fit my whole life
into a suitcase?

Maybe if I move that thing there.
Perfect.

Where are you gonna live?

With the money Dad's paying me,
I rented a loft downtown.

Do you even know what a loft is?

- No. I assume it has hay.
- Oh.

I'm gonna miss you.

- Here's something to remember me by.
- Ow!

- Indian burn.
- Look at it.

Aw, that's so sweet.

If I did it right, it's permanent.

Please don't go, Bart.

I'll let you swear in the house.
Everything but the big three.

Sorry, Mom. I just can't,
not as long as he's here.

Oh, honey.
I can't believe this is happening.

I'll miss you so much.

Either give me some of that
or let's get going.

Sorry, Mom. I gotta go.

Go ahead, leave.
You'll come crawling back.

That's right. Crawling on your knees.

[GRUNTING]

Crawling!

[SIGHS]

He's really gone.

[SOBBING]

He's gone!

Well, here I am, on my own.

And I'm gonna make it, world.

[POUNDING ON WALL]

MAN: Be quiet in there!
Some of us are trying to sell drugs!

Look out, son.
This one's got a little mustard on it.

Attaboy,
we just won the World Series.

You and me together, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMS]

He should've done that with
the real Bart when he had the chance.

[SCREAMING]

Being a free man is great, Milhouse.

I can draw on myself.

Boy, I wish I was a free man.

Mom. Where's Puppy Goo Goo?

Oh, Puppy Goo Goo,
fetch me a dream.

[SIGHS]

[SIREN WAILING NEARBY]

Ha, ha, boy, it's really empty in here.

Now, calm down. I'm perfectly safe.

Murder's illegal in this state.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

Okay.
That was just my imagination.

[RAT GROWLS AND BART GASPS]

Mommy!

Not up. Down.

[SOBBING]
Oh, I'm gonna die in my jammies.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]

[BLINK-182 PLAYING
"ALL THE SMALL THINGS"]

Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home

Hey, it's an emancipated minor.

- What's your name?
- I'm Bart Simpson and...

Hey, are you skateboarding legend
Tony Hawk?

That's what my business cards say.

Oh, wait.
That's my old phone number.

[SNAPS]

You live in this building?

When I'm not on the road
or in rehab for my pelvis.

I hope you don't mind living
below pro skaters who like to party.

[CHUCKLES]

- I'll adjust.
- Hey, Blink-182.

- We have names.
- Whatever. You can crank it up.

Dude, let's trash this place.

After we get paid.

Nice.

Oh, man,
this is the greatest night of my life.

If my dad could see this,
he'd be so mad.

He can.
There's a webcam right there.

Of all the sites on all the web,
I had to click onto his.

[CASABLANCA'S
"AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYING]

[MARGE HUMMING]

Darn it. I keep pouring juice for five.

Ha, ha, did you see that?
Your mom thinks you're still here.

Oh, tomorrow's the day the judge said
we can visit Bart.

I think he might come home if we can
show him we can treat him better.

For your information, I've been taking
steps to become a better father.

For the past week, I've been
carrying around this bag of sugar.

It's taught me
how to love and care for a child.

[COOS]

What the...?
Where the hell is my sugar?

Condoleezza Marie
ain't too playful tonight.

And I don't remember her
being this granulated.

Can I put your baby in my coffee?

Well, the doctor said
you eat any more baby...

...they gonna take your foot.

Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk.
I gotta go now, Tony Hawk.

- Cool guy, Tony Hawk.
- Bart, you know Tony Hawk?

Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet.

Catch you later, Tony Hawk.

Stay cool, Brett.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[GUNSHOTS NEARBY]

I don't think this is a good place
for a 10-year-old boy.

Here's $5.
Buy yourself a suit and get busy.

I'll buy a suit...

...of drugs!

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Hi, guys. Dad.

Hello, son. You're looking well.

Wow, this place is great.

That couch looks really pricey.

Well, you need an expensive couch
to watch an expensive TV.

Of course,
because you wouldn't want to...

I paid for your splendor, you...

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

And for every syringe I find,
I get a dollar.

- Well, that's great, honey.
- Unh.

You know, son,
I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I was wrong to exploit you
and I won't do it again.

Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me.

You think you might see your way clear
to moving back in with your ma and me?

Sorry. No can do. I'm taking off
for six months to join the Skewed Tour.

Skewed Tour?

The traveling festival of rock 'n' roll,
skateboarding and extreme sports?

- And nipple piercing.
- Aah!

Don't worry. They're clip-ons.

Behold the delightful unicorn I got
at the face painting pavilion.

Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.

[SIGHS]

- He's suffered enough.
- Yeah. But on the other hand...

ANNOUNCER [ON PA]:
Just a reminder, people...

...if you're getting bogus returns
on your investments...

...contact Goldman Sachs,
the Skewed financial planners.

Up next on the halfpipe,
boarding legend Tony Hawk.

Up next on the halfpipe,
boarding legend Tony Hawk.

Psst, Mr. Hawk,
may I have a word with you?

- An extreme word?
- Sure.

[SHOUTING]
My son is Bart Simpson and...!

I didn't say extreme to the max.

Sorry. I just wanna win my son back
so badly.

I can relate. I'm a father myself.

Oh, one day, they're little shredders.

The next day,
they're grinding their way to college.

Yeah, I make up words too.

I was wondering
if you could pretend to lose to me...

...in a skateboarding contest
so I can be a hero to my boy again.

I'll lose millions in endorsements,
but okay.

This board represents the ultimate
in poser technology.

- It gives the illusion they have talent.
- Groovy.

Lock your feet in,
the board does all the work.

All the work?

[SIGHS]

Fine. I'll lift you onto the board too.

[GRUNTING]

Do it without the attitude
or don't do it at all.

ANNOUNCER: Now the portion of our
event where champion Tony Hawk...

...may be challenged by any
unknown member of the audience.

I'm challenging you, Hawk...

...in front of all these outcasts
and dreamers...

...who can't even get into the Army,
if you can believe it.

Dad, how drunk are you?

Not very.

You're going down, Homer.
Then back up. Then down.

Back up again.
That's how the game is played.

I can't count how many times...

...your father's done something crazy
like this.

LISA:
It's 300, Mom.

I could've sworn it was 302.

Shh.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Now to win back my son
in comfort and style.

[HUMMING]

You know, I could save money
by buying separate nuts...

...and mixing them at home.

Man, I wanted him to look good,
but not to show me up.

It's time to take out the thrash.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

TONY:
Take that.

[BOTH HUMMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

Woo-hoo! I rule this pseudo-sport.

Come back to me, boy.

Dad, you don't understand.

This was never about being cool,
it was about you not caring how I felt.

Oh, that's the dumbest thing
I ever heard, you stupid little kid.

Homer, you're heading
for parental face-plant.

Do a 180 emotional ollie.

[GROANS]

Finally. Someone explains it to me
in words I can understand.

Look, boy.
I know I did wrong and I'm truly sorry.

I put you in humiliating commercials
for money which I spent on myself.

I just wish I had an opportunity
to make things right.

Mr. Simpson, I like the way
you handled yourself on that board.

Would you like to do a commercial?

Anything. As long as I can give
the money to my son.

Excellent. I represent Viagrogaine,
the topical rub for bald, impotent men.

Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign?

Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign?

Oh, Steve,
you're everything a girl could want.

What's your secret?

Well, Cathy, I'll tell you.
It's Viagrogaine.

It gives you lots of hair
and what you need down there.

What are you waiting for, loser?

MAN: Side effects
include loss of scalp and penis.

- What did they say about my scalp?
- Don't worry, Dad. It's a commercial.

No one will remember this in 50 years.

Ha, ha!

[COUGHS]

[English - US -SDH]