All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s14e03.1080p.bluray.x264-wnxb00t-en

CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade

[BELL RINGING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[BEEPING]

[LISA PLAYS SOLO]

D'oh! Ah!

[GRUNTS]

[TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN [ON TV]:
Welcome back

to Animal Survivor.

[MONKEY GIBBERING]

Okay, tribes, it's been a rough week.

Rhino,
you lost the tribe's fishing equipment.

[GROANS]

And we saw a dramatic collapse
in the lion-gazelle alliance.

[ROARS]

Oh, I hate reality shows.

A year ago, you said they were the
greatest thing that ever happened to us.

I've grown. You haven't.

And now we're back to
Touch the Stove.

So, Kevin,
I hear you collect amusing postcards.

Uh, yeah, it all started when...

HOST: Touch the stove.
- Aah!

I can't take any more of these shows.

If I wanted reality,
I'd finally have this lump looked at.

Networks love reality shows because
they don't have to pay writers or actors.

Stupid writers and actors, priced
yourselves right out of the business.

Nice going, geniuses.

Let's get one of those satellite dishes.

Then we can stop suckling
on the six-network teat.

Get back, honky cat.
Those systems are too expensive.

Marge, we can't pinch pennies
on the machine...

...that's going to be raising
our children.

Come on, kids. Daddy knows a way
to get some money with no risk.

[TRUMPET PLAYING
AND AUDIENCE CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER:
And the winner by a nose is No Risk.

Woo-hoo!

Okay. Now all we have to do
is install your satellite dish.

Can you be home
from 8 a.m. Monday morning...

- ...through June?
- No problem.

Hey, Flanders,
check out my new satellite dish.

[WHISTLES]

Boy, that's jim-dandy roof candy.

I'd love to come over
and watch that Church Channel.

- I bet you would.
- Oh, you'd win that bet.

I'm spending all my money
on religious pay-per-view.

Or as I like to call it, "pray-per-view."

Damn your sparkling wordplay.

And bless your humble home.

[GRUMBLES]

Oh, it's red wire to red wire.

[SCOFFS]

What idiot dreamed that up?

And the Lord said, "Let there be crap."

[BUZZING]

[CHATTERING]

[CHATTERS]

- -and thereby reducing
the number of states to 49.

Cool. It's the NBC News feed.

Mm, feed.

You get to see what they do
during breaks.

We'll be right back with a special report
on soccer moms who hate soccer.

STAGEHAND: Clear.
- Oh, Lord, I'm so fat, aah.

[VOMITING]

Hey, Lis, wanna try some satellite TV?
We've got Japanese Friends.

[INSTRUMENTAL FRIENDS THEME
PLAYING]

Do you like my new shirt?

It says, "Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'n' Roll."
Could I be more Japanese?

You are the emperor of last year.

Your comeback shames me.

How about The Clock Channel?

ANNOUNCER: Coming up on
The Clock Channel: 6:00.

Wait a minute, I saw this one.

I have to study for the elementary school
achievement test, and so do you.

Hey, I don't have to study
on the weekend.

It's Wednesday night.

Kids, kids, you're both right.

- Mm.
LISA: Oh.

MAN [ON TV]: We're back with Who
Wants to Marry an Internet Billionaire?

Uh, no, millionaire.
Oh, well, now he's broke.

[BOTH GROANING]

Why don't you turn off the TV
and join us for dessert?

I made a pie.

Put pie here.

[SIGHS]

Would you like some ice cream
with that?

Me not pig.

MAN [ON TV]:
We now return to Robo Trouble.

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, Robot Rumble.

[GRUNTING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
Why are we fighting each other?

Together we can defeat the humans
and rule the Earth.

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
I agree.

[ALL GASP]

[SCREAMS]

Sucker.

[LAUGHS]

Homicidal robots. So like us.

[SNORING]

Bart, the test is in two hours
and you haven't slept in a fortnight.

- What's a fortnight?
- You should know. It's on the test.

[GRUNTS]

KRABAPPEL:
No pressure, children.

These test results will follow you for the
rest of your life and beyond the grave.

BART: This test is boring.
What else is on?

[VOMITING]

[CHUCKLES]

It's finally happened, Bart.

You've lost your mind.

[ALL SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[LAUGHS]

SKINNER:
Now, let's raise the roof...

...for the bland informative rap
of M.C. Safety and the Caution Crew.

Yo, yo, yo, y'all feeling cautious?

[RAPPING]
I say a crosswalk, a cross-ity walk

And don't stop crossing
Till you're on the next block

First you look both ways
Then you walk not run

Obeying safety rules is acceptable
fun Break it down now

Just walk, don't run
Drink juice, yum-yum

[LAUGHS]

Watch out, Beatles.

I have one more important
announcement to share with you.

Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage?

Oh?

Lisa, because of your outstanding score
on yesterday's big test...

...you're being immediately moved up
to the third grade.

[CROWD CHEERING]

She's not so great.

She got diarrhea when we went
to Carlsbad Caverns.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SHOUTS]

Okay, Bart...

...since you like attention so much,
I have a second announcement.

[CHATTERING]

I was going to tell you this privately...

...but because of your incredibly low
test score...

...we're sending you back to third grade.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Huh?

What?
I gotta be in the same class as her?

What?
I gotta be in the same class as him?

Hmm? They're gonna be
in the same class as each other?

[GASPS]

An old Army buddy is
visiting Mannix?

Class, meet our newest third graders,
Lisa and Bart Simpson.

Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover...

...while Bart was taught
by Mrs. Krabappel. Slut.

[IN UNISON]
Hi, Bart and Lisa.

A rooster sits on a roof facing north.
It lays an egg. Which way does it roll?

Okay, the sun rises in the east...

...so the rooster would probably
wanna lay it on the cool side...

Roosters don't lay eggs. They're boys.

- Very good, Bart.
- Mm-hm.

Lisa, I want you to stick close
to your big brother until you catch up.

[SIGHS]

[NELSON CHUCKLES]

Young man, you're not in this class.

- What are you doing here?
- Laughing at jerks.

Quiet nerds burp only near school.

Bart, I'm doing
my geography homework.

That's how you remember
the four original provinces of Canada.

"Quebec, New Brunswick,
Ontario, Nova Scotia."

Quiet nerds burp only near school.

Here's how you remember
their principle exports:

Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday,
Mabel.

Stop. I wanna learn on my own.

[VENT OPENS]

Canada's governors general:

Clowns love haircuts,
so should Lee Marvin's valet.

Get out!

Here are your math tests.
Morgan, Dakota, Ashley...

...Dakota, Tyler, Tyler, Lisa.

What's this weird mark next to my A?

That's an A-minus.

Mm, minus?

Nice work, Bart.

An A? Copacetic.

You did better than me?

Eh, I took this test last year.
The answer key never changes.

B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D. False. False.
True. William Jennings Bryan.

That's cheating. Bart cheated.

Young lady, in the third grade,
we don't care for tattletales.

[GROANS]

And we don't care for moaners either.

[SOBS]

Sobbing only pushes
Bart's grade higher.

[SOBS]

OTTO:
Pukers in back.

Kids, look what I got you
for your third-grade field trip.

Matching fanny packs.

Now your fannies match.

[BOTH GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

- Hey, get away from me. Get...
- Get away.

- Quit it.
- Stop it. Let go.

Stop. You'll crush your juice boxes.

BOTH:
Oh.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

All right, everybody choose a buddy
for the field trip.

- I'll take Kyle.
- I'll take Ashley.

Saying your buddy's name out loud
is a security risk.

I'll just put you two together.

BOTH:
Oh.

[TONY BENNETT'S "CAPITAL CITY"
PLAYING]

There's a swingin' town I know
Called Capital City

- Punch buggy red, unh.
- Ow.

You are such an immature...

- Punch buggy white, unh.
- Ow.

- Stop fighting.
- He started it.

He did punch buggy first.

What's punch buggy?

When you see a Volkswagen Bug,
you punch somebody and yell the color.

[CHATTERING]

[ALL GASPING]

BOY 1: Punch buggy blue.
BOY 2: Ow.

GIRL 1: Punch buggy green.
BOY 3: Oh.

BOY 4: Punch buggy taupe.
BOY 5: Ow.

Oh, that really hurt.

[THUDDING]

OTTO:
Two for flinching.

[THUDS]

[ALL WHIMPERING]

Now, as we cross the street, I want you
to hold hands with your buddy.

[BOTH GROANING]

Hey, dude, who's your girlfriend?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Did you see his face?

Well, what happened, dude?
Did your girlfriend dump you?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BOTH GROANING]

Now, children, if you look up
at the capitol dome...

...you'll see a mural of our state bird,
the pot-bellied sparrow...

...eating our state pasta, bowtie.

[CHILDREN GROANING]

MAN:
Order, order, order.

The chair recognizes the esteemed
representative from Capital City.

BART:
The Capital City Goofball?

That's right. To win, he spent 80 million
from his own pocket.

GOOFBALL: Mr. Speaker, the time
has come to redesign our state flag.

This Confederate symbol
is an embarrassment...

...particularly as we are
a northern state.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

This lively debate
has given me an idea.

Tonight, each buddy team
is going to design a new state flag.

Homework on a field trip?
What have you been huffing?

Well, Bart's being his usual jerky self.

But, Mom, I'm really excited
about this new flag design.

Oh, and the hotel gives you
a free USA Today outside your room.

No, I'm sure it's free.

Okay, I won't touch it.

Well, make sure you don't.

And try not to let your brother
get under your skin, honey.

Believe me, he doesn't.
His act is getting old fast.

He thinks he's really cool.

But frankly, the other kids are starting
to wake up and smell the cooties.

One last sunbeam and we're done.

"To fraternal love."

When I get through with that flag,
it's gonna be a Bart-mangled banner.

So I understand you children
have some state flags for me.

- Who would like to go first?
- We would, Governor Bailey.

- Team Simpson.
- I spearheaded this one.

I'll just unfurl this.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

That was my worst unfurling ever.

Lisa, how could you?
The governor is crying.

[SOBBING]

Oh.

[NELSON LAUGHS]

You weren't on this field trip.
How did you get here?

Biked.

Bart, I am so mad at you.

Ha-ha-ha. You should've seen the look
on your face. It was like this:

[BART LAUGHS]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BUS HORN HONKS]

- Huh?
- Oh, the bus.

[CHATTERING]

Okay, children, before we leave...

- ...is anyone missing their buddy?
- No.

Ah, the buddy system, foolproof.

Floor it, Otto.

LISA:
Wait! Wait!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

- Ha, ha, they left without you.
- They left without you too, you idiot.

If I'm an idiot, how come
I'm the smartest kid in the third grade?

Because you've already done it once.

- You've lost me.
- Oh, forget it.

- Hey, how do we get back?
- No problem.

We'll just circle around like those kids
in The Blair Witch Project.

I must be getting close.
I recognize that girl.

- Oh, Bart, I think we're lost.
- I used to be lost.

Until a friend turned me onto a book.
A book that changed my life.

It's called, Lisa is Stupid.

- You die now.
- Aah? Whoa.

Hey!

[BART CHUCKLES]

[McCONNELL SOBBING]

They're gone.
I don't know what happened.

If the buddy system can fail,
I don't know what to believe in.

There, there, Audrey.
It's happened to all of us.

Willie, we have two more names
for the wall.

[WEEPS]

Why is it always the kids
with the long names?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hello, Principal Skinner.
- A parent who waives the right to sue...

- ...says what?
- What?

- Got it.
- Hey, you can't fool us.

We're from the Learn to Fart state.

[SIGHS]

Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City
and presumed crying.

Huh! My poor babies.

I'm so sorry.
Lisa's a very special little girl.

And we'll spare no expense
in finding her.

- What about Bart?
- We're looking.

But in the meantime, the class clown
pro tem will take his place.

Cowabunga.

[LISA SHUDDERING]

- You cold?
- What do you care?

- Here.
- Thanks.

Where'd you get...? Oh.

Bart, you're my big brother.
You should act like it more often.

You know, protect me
from the bad things in the world.

Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go,
you're the coolest.

- Thanks, Bart.
- And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.

I'm sorry I got us lost out here.

Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off
your Malibu Stacy dolls.

- Okay, you go.
- I don't think I've done anything else.

Okay, I'll go again. Remember when
your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?

- Yes.
- Yeah, funny story.

One day, I was really bored...

...and Dad had left a steamroller
idling in the driveway...

This is where the kids were last seen.

Aah! The plastic casing
from the tip of Bart's shoelace.

A mother knows.

Well, he's not gonna get very far
without that.

- Bart, is that you?
MAN: No.

[GUNS COCK]

[BOTH GASP]

Say your prayers.

Oh, Lord, please strike
these mountain folk dead.

Bart. Listen, we're really sorry.

We got lost on a field trip
from Springfield Elementary.

Lost on a field trip?
Heck, why didn't you say so?

That's how Grandpappy
wound up in these parts.

They was taking us to Capital City
to see The Nutcracker.

And I wandered away from the group...

...married a bear
and I started up my family.

I told you, I ain't a bear.

[CHUCKLES]

Roar, roar, roar.

No one understands you, She-Bear.

[LAUGHS]

- Thanks for driving us back to town.
- No problem.

We were going there anyway
to pick up the new Spy magazine.

I'm sorry,
they don't publish that anymore.

The world I grewed up in is gone.

[MARGE GROANING]

Oh, my special little guys.

You're okay. You're okay.

And, Maggie, you no longer
have to live with the burden...

...of replacing Bart and Lisa.

If this episode
has taught us anything...

...it's that nothing works better
than the status quo.

- You're back to the fourth grade.
- Yay!

And, Lisa, you have a choice.

You may continue
to be challenged in third grade...

...or return to second grade
and be merely a big fish in a small pond.

Big fish. Big fish.

[ALL GROANING]

The status quo.

The status quo? Ay caramba.

That's just sad.

WOMAN:
Shh.

[English - US -SDH]